By T.L. Winslow (TLW), the Historyscoper™
© Copyright by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.
Original Pub. Date: Aug. 10, 2010. Last Update: Sept. 24, 2018.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is one of the top mystery figures of our times. Is he a secret Nazi, Zionist puppet, Illuminati/Freemason, wannabe world dictator, Manchurian Candidate, or just a harmless easygoing bodybuilder action movie star who once became governator of California like his friend Jesse Ventura, and is maybe suffering from too much testosterone, real or artificial, but is otherwise an okay guy? Secret, secret, I got a secret, my true identity, domo arigato meesta roboto? Since his ultimate nature has yet to be shown through his acts, I'm compiling this litle ole historyscope of Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger (1947-), the first Austrian-born governor of California, and updating it regularly so we can try to see how deep the rabbit hole goes. Be sure to take the time to soak it up then come back from time to time to see what's new. Enjoy the great power of TLW the Historyscoper to open up a mental crystal ball of history to you on your Internet portal, and think of how you're saving hundreds for lame overwordy hyperlink-challenged retro paper-based works on Ahnuld. Tell them to save the trees, and tell your friends to come to TLW and fill their brains free.
First, a little background on Ahnuld's landlocked mountainous 32K sq. mi. German-speaking home country of Austria (Osterreich or Eastern Reich) (pop. 8.3M), bordered by Germany and Czech Repub. on the N, Slovakia and Hungary on the E, Slovenia and Italy on the S, and Switzerland and Liechtenstein on the W, with depressing boring anthem Land of Mountains, Land by the River. Originally it was a land where people with asses whiter than Crisco went around in skins and carved the Venus of Willendorf about 22,000 B.C.E. Eventually it evolved into a kingdom of wild-assed Conan-like Celts, who about 400 B.C.E. founded the Celtic kingdom of Noricum is founded in modern-day Austria and Slovenia, bordered on the N by the Danube River, on the W by Raetia and Vindelicia, on the E and SE by Pannonia, and on the S by Italy, with capital at Virinum at the foot of Mt. Magdalensberg, becoming the S outpost of the Celts and launching point for attacks on Italy, becoming known for cattle breeding rather than agriculture because of their poor soil, and for supplying iron for Noric Steel, as well as Celtic nard (saliunca) for perfume. About 500 B.C.E. they founded the town of Salzburg (Salt Castle) in Austria near the N foothills of the Alps, which became known for its salt mines, and barges carrying it out on the Salzach River. In 113 B.C.E. the Germanic (Celtic?) Cimbri tribe fled Jutland after devastating storms, and reached Celtic-run Noricum (Carinthia) in modern-day S Austria, coming into first contact with the Romans and winning several Vs, starting with the Battle of Arausio on Oct. 6, 105 B.C.E., starting a long war allied with the Germanic (Celtic?) Teutons (Teuutones) and Ambrones (ends -101). In 16 B.C.E. the Romans conquered Noricum, civilized it, and turned it into the Roman province of Noricum, renaming Salzburg to Juvavum.
In 788 Charlemagne (Charles the Great) (742-814), king of the Franks since 768 conquered it and forced it to convert to Christianity, getting rewarded by being crowned the first Holy Roman Emperor on Christmas Day, 800 by Pope (since 795) St. Leo III (750-816).
Before scoping Ahnuld, I better scope Austria a little to see what rabbit hole he came from.
In 1128 the town of Graz (Slovenian "little castle") in Austria 120 mi. SW of Vienna (known for its Mediterranean weather) was first mentioned - and its barbell-pumping tweedy freaks like Ahnuld?
On Mar. 7, 1138 the clergy, led by Adalbert of Trier elected Lothair III/II's Waiblinger rival Conrad of Hohenstaufen, son of Duke Frederick of Swabia as king Conrad III (1093-1152) of Germany, and he was crowned on Mar. 13 in Aachen, founding the Hohenstaufen (Staufer) Dynasty (Ger. "High Staufen"), named after their late 11th cent. Swabian Staufen Castle on the conical hill named Staufen (Ger. "chalice") in the Swabian Jura of Germany in the district of Goppingen (ends 1254), launching Germany's greatest age until Bismarck, expanding their rule from the Rhine to the Vistula, the Rhone to the Balkans, the Baltic to the Danube, and the North Sea to Italy, with 100 prosperous cities; he was never crowned HRE, but called himself king of the Romans; after Welf man Henry the Proud (1108-39) (son of Henry IX the Black, and son-in-law of designated heir Lothair III/II) was passed over, pissing him off (esp. as he is the most powerful prince in Germany), and causing him to be too proud to acknowledge him as king, Conrad III immediately deprived him of his duchies, and gave Saxony to Albert the Bear, and Bavaria to his half-brother (via Conrad III's wife Agnes) Leopold IV of Austria, beginning a cent.-long civil war between the Guelphs (Welfs) and Ghibellines.
On Sept. 17, 1156 German king (1152-90) and HRE (1155-90) Frederick I Barbarossa (1122-90) issued the Privilegium Minus, making the margraviate of Austria a duchy and an inheritable fief of the House of Babenberg, with special privileges; former duke of Bavaria (since 1141) Henry (Heinrich) II Jasomirgott (1107-77) of the House of Babenberg became Austrian duke #1 (until 1177). In 1191 Austrian Babenberg duke #2 (since 1177) Leopold V (1157-94) fought in the Crusader Battle of Acre along with English King Richard I Lionheart (1157-99), who insulted him by throwing his banner into the acres of mud there, which Leopold trumped by inventing the red-and-white triband Austrian Flag using a white strip of cloth found under his bloody tunic after the battle. Ever since, all Austrians distrusted the English and loved the Red Cross and First Aid, tampon jokes here. In 1230 Frederick II the Quarrelsome (1211-46) beccame the 5th and last Austrian Babenberg duke. Note that Austria never had a king, it was always duke or archduke, who might make Holy Roman Emperor by jumping king, imagine why Ahnuld jumped Austria for America.
Next there's Rudolf I of Habsburg (1218–91), founder of the Habsburg (Hapsburg) Dynasty in Austria and Styria, which controlled the Holy Roman Empire from 1273 until its demise in 1806, extending its boundaries until the Protestant German states broke away in 1648. The Habsburg family started out in the 10th cent. in Alsace and NW Switzerland, building the Castle of Habichtsburg (Habsburg) ("Hawk's Castle") on the Aar River in Aargau in N Switzerland in 1028, then building itself up by acquisition of lands from the houses of Kyburg, Lenzburg, and Zahringen. In 1245 the peasants of the Schwyz Valley rose up and burnt the hated castle that was meant to awe them, joining mit der peasants of the Uri and Unterwalden Valleys around Lake Lucerne to form an independent Swiss Confederation to keep them off their backs, causing Rudolf I to start a war in Greater Germany to horn into some new turf, defeating Bohemia in 1278, giving the Habsburgs undisputed possession of Austria (1282), Carniola, and Styria, followed in 1335 by Carinthia, after which in 1438-1740 all HREs were Austrian Habsburgs. Too bad, the Habsburgs only controlled S Germany, leaving the rest of it to the zillion other petty princes, which kept Germany from uniting under a kick-ass fuhrer, er, emperor until 1870. Also too bad, somewhere along the line the males married into the Polish Piast family, Masovian branch, giving them a hereditary deformity called Prognathism (Habsburg Jaw) that gave them hog jaws and lips, like Jay Leno. Freddy III, already mentioned, gained control of the Low Countries in 1477 by forcing Charles the Bold of Burgundy to marry his daughter Mary of Burgundy to his hog-jawed son Maximilian I "Kaiser Max" (1459-1519), "the Last Knight", who became king of Austria in 1486 and HRE in 1508, becoming the real founder of the Hapsburg Empire by not only marrying into the Netherlands and parts of France, but marrying his son Philip into Spain, and his grandson Ferdinand into Bohemia and Hungary, giving rise to the saying: "Let others wage wars, but you, happy Austria, shall marry", I think that Ahnuld learned that lesson well.
Next big thing about Austrian history: 1452 AEIOU, 1952 Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do. To explain: On Mar. 19, 1452 37-y.-o. German Hapsburg king Frederick III, archduke of Austria, duke of Styria, Carinthia and Carniola, and king of Rome was finally crowned Holy Roman Emperor Frederick (Friedrich) III (1415-93) by Pope Nicholas V three days after marrying 18-y.-o. infanta Eleanor (Leonor) of Portugal (1434-67) (whose large dowry paid off his debts and cemented his grate wealth and powah), becoming the last HRE crowned in Rome by the pope. His motto was the anagram AEIOU ("Austria Est Imperare Orbi Universo") (Austria is the Ruler of the World) (It is Austria's Destiny to Rule the World), which he had inscribed on all his possessions, even if not his 22-inch biceps. Too bad, 40 years later Columbus discovered the New World, and the Austrians didn't get any, causing W Europe to pass them by, their big biceps shrinking like a popped balloon, especially after their giant needle-gun defeat to Prussia in 1866 in the Seven Weeks' War, and by the 20th cent. they were down to a cute little tourist trap with the Von Trapp Singers and Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Ti-Do, sung by Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music (1965). By the 1960s Austrians were punchlines in Hollywood movies, like Lotte Lenya (1898-1981) as spiked-shoe hag Rosa Klebb in the James Bond 007 Sean Connery flick From Russia with Love (1963). No wonder their #1 guy of the 20th cent. Ahnuld emigrated to the U.S. to become a Hollywood star and marry into the Kennedy clan, I'm Tom Bodett and we'll leave the light on for ya.
Speaking of "The Sound of Music", in 1606 Mirabell (It. "amazing, wonderful") Palace in Salzburg, Austria was built by Prince-Archbishop (1587-1612) Wolf Dietrich Raitenau (1559-1617) as a residence for his mistress Salome Alt; in 1710 it was rebuilt in a lavish Baroque style; in 1818 after a fire it was rebuilt in Neoclassical style; several scenes in the 1965 film "The Sound of Music" were filmed here, incl. Maria and the children singing "Do-Re-Mi" while dancing around the horse fountain; on June 3, 1944 Gretl Braun, sister of Adolf Hitler's babe Eva Braun got married there to SS-Gruppenfuhrer Jermann Fegelein, with Hitler, Heinrich Himmler, and Martin Bormann attending as witnesses after Eve made all the arrangements; too bad, the Allies were on the verge of staging D-Day, and Hitler couldn't be bothered with news?
Let's skip to the 18th century. Giacomo Girolamo Casanova de Seingalt (1725-98) made Austria famous for having the most successful woman seducer in European history, setting the bar high, but not too high for you know who. I won't mention Mozart, Ahnuld has a tin ear and it's not worth it, he doesn't compose music, he inspires it. Okay, Casanova was born in Venice, Italy, but the point is that he travelled wherever the ladies were, including Austria, so he has to be considered in our Ahnuldscope, as you will see. Okay, I will mention Austrian #1 Classical composer of all time, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (1756-91), who left over 600 works and didn't make it to 40, incl. The Abduction from the Seraglio, which debuted on July 16, 1782, and was what made Mozart famous, later becoming the Ahnuld Theme.
On Oct. 31, 1731 (214th anniv. of Martin Luther's nailing of the 95 Theses to the Wittenberg Church door in 1517) the pesky Lutherans were expelled en masse from Salzburg by Roman Catholic prince-archbishop (since 1727) Leopold Anton Eleutherius von Firmian (1679-1744), and the wealthy ones migrated to London, then crossed the Pond and founded Ebenezer, Ga., which is why Ahnuld was born a good poor Catholic.
In 1745 Maria Theresa of Austria (1717–80), succeeded to the Habsburg dominions by means of the precedent-smashing Pragmatic Sanction of 1713, becoming their first and only female ruler, time to face the pollen that used to make me sneeze. In 1736 she married Duke Francis of Lorraine, who became HRE Francis I (1708-65) in 1745, although she wore the pants in the family. Their son Joseph II (1741–90), "the Benevolent Despot" (AKA "the Music King") became Holy Roman Emperor in 1765, playing footsie with Mozart and Salieri, see the movie. After the fall of Emperor Napoleon I Bonaparte at Waterloo, Austrian foreign minister (1809-48) Prince Klemens Wenzel Nepomuk Lothar von Metternich (1773–1859) was the architect of the European Balance of Power Plan established at the 1815 Congress of Vienna.
On Dec. 2, 1804 Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) crowned himself emperor of France, and Austrian HRE (since 1792) Francis II (1768-1835) didn't want him to become Holy Roman Emperor too, so on Aug. 6, 1806 he abolished the title and declared himself emperor only of little old Austria (making him the only Doppelkaiser or double emperor in history), which title was abolished in 1918 after the Austrians were on the losing side in WWI in 1914-18. Meanwhile, the Austro-Prussian Seven Weeks War in 1866 was a decisive defeat for Austria, after which Prussia became the dominant state, bulldogging, bullhogging and ramrodding the world into World Wars I and II, dragging Austrian down the tubes with it. As Austria's balloon kept shrinking, there was one light, Austrian composer Franz von Suppe (Suppé) (1819-95), who composed the immortal Popeye Spinach Overture (AKA Poet and Peasant Overture) in 1846, followed by the even more immortal Lone Ranger Theme (Light Cavalry Overture) in 1866. I think we know that the stage was now set for the birth of the one and only Ahnuld.
In 1848 the Balance of Power that kept the aristocratic Old Regime on top of the republican and revolutionary forces of the downtrodden messes, er, masses all blew up in their faces in the European Revolutions of 1848. In Jan. 1848 the Tobacco War erupted when Italians protested Austrian control of the tobacco monopoly, and the citizens of Milan stopped using tobacco, causing Bohemian-born Austrian gen. Josef Radetzsky von Radetz (1766-1858) to order his soldiers to smoke large cigars in the streets. The rest we'll skip, except to note that the revolutionaries failed miserably and left Europe intact, although the social structure was never the same again. Franz Josef (Joseph) (1830–1916) became emperor of Austria from 1848 until the outbreak of World War I, while his brother Maximilian I (Ferdinand Maximilian Josef) (1832–67) became "cactus emperor" of Mexico on Apr. 10, 1864, ruling on behalf of Emperor Napoleon III of France, until he was deposed and executed after Benito Juarez defeated him, you gotta give them credit for at least trying to get a piece of the New World. After Prussia kicked its ass in 1866, Austria merged with the kingdom of Hungary in 1867, creating Austria-Hungary, which became kaput in 1918. After overly ambitious Prussia plunged the world into WWI, the overly mean treatment of defeated Germany and Austria caused a Fascist reaction, with Adolf Hitler (1889–1945), born in Braunau in NW Austria on the border with Bavaria becoming Der Beer-Swigging Fuhrer of Nazi (National Socialist) Germany from 1933, then absorbing Austria in 1938 in the Anschluss, and ruling both until his suicide death in his Fuhrerbunker in bombed-out Berlin with his dog Blondie and babe Eva Braun. After WWII, notable leaders of the weakened country were Bruno Kreisky (1911–90) (Jewish), Socialist Party chairman and chancellor of Austria from 1970-83, and Kurt Waldheim (1918-2007) who was U.N. secy.-gen. #4 from 1972 to 1981, and Austrian pres. #9 from 1986-92, stinking himself up by trying to coverup his Nazi past. Speaking of Nazi past, it's time to begin scoping Ahnuld and his parents.
On July 30, 1947 [Leo] 6'1-1/2" (6'0"?) (5'10" with lifts?) Austrian-born Am. "Pump you up" "I'll be baaack" actor-bodybuilder and Repub. Calif. gov. (2003-11) (Roman Catholic) ("the Austrian/Styrian Oak") Arnold Alois "Arnie" Schwarzenegger (AKA Ahnuld) was born in Thal (near Graz), Austria in house #145. Arnold is Old German for "eagle ruler", and Alois is a variant of Aloysius and Elois, Old German for "famous warrior". The meaning of the name Schwarzenegger is cryptic. It might be schwarzen augen, meaning black or dark eyes, or schwarzen egger, meaning black plowman or black harrow, or it might just be schwarze negger, black nigger, naw, that's too too too too for a son of a Nazi. Ahnuld is the 2nd son of former Nazi police chief Gustav Schwarzenegger (1907-72) and his wife (1945-) Aurelia Schwarzenegger (nee Jadrny) (1922-98), who died of a heart attack while visiting his grave. When Gustav died of a stroke, Ahnuld didn't attend his funeral, later citing child abuse, which created the psychological drive to prove him wrong by spectacular success like his hero JFK. The Nazi past of Ahnuld's daddy didn't begin surfacing until the 1990s, but since the Simon Wiesenthal Center couldn't pin any war crimes on him it was papered over, speaking of feelings I want to ask you this. Speaking of having a heart, Ahnuld was born with a bicuspid aortic valve (two instead of the normal three leaflets), which resulted in open heart surgery in Apr. 1997 to replace it with a transplant after he rejected a mechanical valve for all the Terminator jokes it would cause, answering the question on whether it was a pig valve or synthetic valve with the soundbyte "I'm not going to say which valve I chose, but now every time I see bacon I start crying."
Speaking of Thal, Ahnuld is a direct descendant of the Neanderthal Man, known for a larger cranial capacity and greater strength than Homo sapiens, which explains nothing, and everything, see below.
Talking about cranial capacity. Before leaving the history of Austria prior to the coming of Ahnuld, considering that he's on track to become our next Republican U.S. president, the psycho side of the country he was born in should be explored a little. First, there's Leopold Ritter von Sacher-Masoch (1836-95), author of the novel "Venus in Furs", who liked masochism, a term invented by Austrian pshrink Richard von Krafft-Ebing (1840-1902) in his academic smut tome Psychopathia Sexualis (1886). Indeed, Austria is the home of a cornucopia of Austrian psychiatrists, many of them Jewish, led by Sigmund Freud (1856-1939). All of them are obsessed with sex, or rather, claim their patients are, since they charge to hear all about it by the hour, controlling access to their racket by requiring a medical degree and long years of extra training and choking of married fish. One of the top racketeers of all time was Wilhelm Reich (1897-1957), who peddled his Orgone Theory along with Orgone Energy Accumulators, ending up in trouble with the U.S. govt. and dying in jail after his publications were burned. Later Ahnuld compared getting a pump during a workout to an orgasm, or in his words, "It is as satisfying to me as cumming... you know... having sex with a woman and cumming." Actually, there's no comparison, and steroids can make your testes shrink and leave you impotent and unable to have an orgasm. Luckily he began shrinking before the govt. could lock him up.
Speaking of eternal boys from Austria who are into muscles, fast cars, and guns, never mind women, they're just fast toys too, Austria is the home of Ferdinand Porsche (1875-1951), creator of the Nazi VW Beetle, the Mercedes-Benz SS/SSK, and Porsche sports cars, including the Porsche 911 (1963) and Porsche 928 (1978-95). It's also the home of Gaston Glock (1929-), founder of the Glock firearms co. known for the Glock 17 plastic pistol. It's also the home of economist Ludwig Heinrich Edler von Mises (1881-1973), proponent of the free market, which all good rich American Republicans give lip service to. I could also mention great Austrian scientists, mathematicians, physicists, chemists, but Ahnuld missed out on that part of brain development so we'll pass.
Ahnuld's love of a manly but straight body can be traced to watching American bodybuilding pioneer Francois Henri "Jack" LaLanne (1914-2001), who set up his first gym in Oakland, Calif. in 1936 then hosted a daytime TV show in 1953-85, in which he did jumping jacks wearing a weird faggoty (Frenchy?) nylon jumpsuit, but got around faggot rumors by being steadily and happily married to a loving supporting woman, Elaine Rorem Doyle (1926-), whom he met at San Francisco TV station KGO-TV in 1951 while doing 1,000 pushups, I don't smoke, I don't drink, and I don't swear, oh shit, I do. In 1968 newly-arrived Ahnuld visited Venice Beach, Calif. and saw Jumping Jack doing his stuff, then challenged him to a pushup-chinup contest and lost badly, saying "I was sore for four days - I couldn't lift my arms." On June 10, 2005 Calif. gov. Ahnuld launched his Council on Physical Fitness and Sport, paying tribute to Jumping Jack, a love that could have been, if not for the huge age difference... Let's backup a bit. In 1960 pubescent Ahnuld lifted his first weights, his schedule, his pace, his environment. In 1965 Ahnuld served in the Austrian army per the mandatory 1-year service required of all 18-y.-o. Austrian males. Already into bodybuilding bigtime after idolizing English bodybuilder-actor Reg Park (1928-2007) and American bodybuilder-actor Stephen L. "Steve" Reeves (1926-2000), Ahnuld went AWOL during basic training to take part in the Junior Mr. Europe contest, which he won, ending up spending a week in the brig. In Munich in 1965 he met 5'3" (5'5"?) bodybuilder Franco Columbu (1941-), who became his longtime friend and workout partner, and who progressed into power lifting like Ahnuld didn't, until he chicken-legged himself carrying a refrigerator on his back in the World's Strongest Man competition. In 1966 Ahnuld flew to London to compete in the Mr. Universe contest, coming in 2nd behind Chester Yorton (1940-) of the U.S. mainly because of his chicken legs, which might have been when he decided to resort to steroids, who knows, he covered it up. He stayed in London to train, learning rudimentary English, then won the Mr. Universe title in 1967, the youngest ever at age 20, the first of three. After more training in Munich, he finally moved to the U.S in Sept. 1968 with Franco Columbu, starting the bricklaying business European Brick Works together in 1969 and training at famous Gold's Gym (founded 1965) on Muscle Beach in S anta Monica, Calif. Ahnuld went on to win seven Mr. Olympia titles starting in 1970, making him the all-time king of bodybuilding, stretching the size of the sport itself to the size of his giant ego, which was tricky because until he came along it was considered mainly an activity for homosexuals, but he conquered it with the immortal soundbyte "Having a pump is like having sex. I train two, sometimes three times a day. Each time I get a pump, it's great. I feel like I'm coming all day." In 1969 he lost his first Mr. Olympia contest to 5'9" Cuban-born black stud ("the Myth") Sergio Oliva (1941-), which is typical of him to try for something before he's ready in order to make him burst through the wall and triumph greater than all who came before, he's got the Romantic-era hero mentality. Meanwhile his intellectual and scholarly achievements were a big fat donut, other than maybe reading the Bible and some nutrition magazines.
Originally not interested in girls until his daddy took pains to get him into them, he was in love with his hand, er, himself, his first babe was Gerte Weimar, a local girl who was into bodybuilding like him, and whom he loved to toss around the gym like a medicine ball and squeeze her tits to make her giggle. His sexuality remained frozen at this level until, er, ask his babes. In the U.S. in 1969 he met and shacked up with just what he needed, an English teacher, Barbara Outland Baker (1950-), living with her until his ego and numerous sex affairs caused them to split in 1975.
In 1975 after getting his flexing bod onto the cover of the Dec. 1974 Grand Funk Railroad album All the Girls in the World Beware!!! (along with Franco Columbo) (with the band members' faces pasted on), Ahnuld retired from prof. bodybuilding to pursue his big dream of becoming the biggest movie star in the world, starting with Hercules in New York (AKA Hercules Goes Bananas) in 1970 (where his voice was dubbed and he was given the stage name Arnold Strong), The Long Goodbye in 1973 (where he plays a deaf mute hit man, good fit), Stay Hungry in 1976, and Pumping Iron in 1977.
In 1975 Ahnuld met 16-y.-o. "Little House on the Prairie" actress Gigi Goyette (1959-), and began having sex with her (statutory rape in Calif.), after which they would meet once a year during an annual Ohio fitness convention; on Aug. 11, 2005 the Los Angeles Times reported that two days after Ahnuld announced his campaign for Calif. govt. in Aug. 2003, American Media paid her $20K to keep silent, plus another $1K to her friend Judy Mora. In 1976 he began dating Beverly Hills hairdresser Sue Moray (1952-), whom he dropped in Aug. 1978 for Maria Shriver, the coverstory is that she dropped him. On Apr. 26, 1977 the totally degenerate anything-goes exclusive Studio 54 disco in New York City opened, becoming one of Ahnuld's favorite haunts until it closed in Mar. 1986, what do you call a cheese that's not yours. Meanwhile in Aug. 1977, having turned 30 on July 30, Ahnuld gave an interview to the porno mag. Oui, in which he bragged about a "black girl" who once showed up naked at Gold's Gym, causing him and his bodybuilding pals to drop the weights and gangbang her: "Bodybuilders party a lot, and once, in Gold's, the gym in Venice, California, where all the top guys train, there was a black girl who came out naked. Everybody jumped on her and took her upstairs, where we all got together. Not everybody, just the guys who can fuck in front of other guys, not everybody can do that, some think that they don't have a big enough cock, so they can't get a hardon." Ahnuld gets a hardon even between sets. Also "I can look at a chick who's a little out of shape and if she turns me on, I won't hesitate to date her. If she's a good fuck, she can weigh 150 pounds, I don't care." Love that Cadillac ride. Also "Men shouldn't feel like fags just because they want to have nice-looking bodies. Gay people are fighting the same kind of stereotyping that bodybuilders are. People have certain misconceptions about them just as they do about us. Well, I have absolutely no hangups about the fag business." Which is why in Feb. 1977 he posed nude for Jack Mitchell of the gay mag. After Dark, I wonder if he gave free milk. In the Oui interview he admitted to smoking marijuana: "Yes, grass and hash, no hard drugs. But the point is that I do what I feel like doing. I'm not on a health kick." Sorry, Jack. In 1977 no Jack Lalanne health nut, he also admitted to using anabolic steroids for "tissue building", hedging by claiming "steroids were helpful to me in maintaining muscle size while on a strict diet in preparation for a contest. I did not use them for muscle growth, but rather for muscle maintenance while cutting up." In 1977 he also began smoking "a real cigar", no Phillies or Backwoods Chews, expensive brands only such as Romeo y Julieta, Davidoff, Hoyo de Monterrey, Ashton, and Pleiades, already he had the makings of a politician. It was also in Aug. 1977 that he first Maria Shriver at a tennis tournament, and it was at the Kennedy family compound where her daddy Sergeant Shriver introduced him to the nasty cigar habit. In 1977 Ahnuld published Arnold: The Education of a Bodybuilder, which became a bestseller, while he went on to get some real if modest education at Santa Monica College in Calif. and a B.A. in business and internat. economics by correspondence from the U. of Wisc.-Superior in 1979. No dummy with money, he made good investments in real estate in places like Columbus, Ohio and Denver, Colo., would you want to be late on your rent payments to him, and became a partner in Planet Hollywood, a theme restaurant chain launched on Oct. 22, 1991, which he sold his interests in in 2000. Yes, he was actually quite smart. To quote from his autobio.: "I used to feel that women were here for one reason. Sex was simply another kind of exercise, another body function. I was convinced a girl and I couldn't communicate on equal footing because she wouldn't understand what I was doing. I didn't have time to take one girl out regularly and go through a normal high-school romance with all its phone calls and notes and squabbles. That took too much time. I needed to be in the gym. For me it was a simple matter of picking them up at the lake, and then never seeing them again." Wasn't that Ted Bundy who also liked picking them up at the lake and then never seeing them again? Meanwhile as a testosterone-soaked horndog with morals akin to a roaming dog, Ahnuld left many tasty tidbits of his life for later reporters to pick up like dog turds, including how he once decided to suddenly fondle Linda Hamilton's breasts in a limo during the filming of "T2", and asked a female crew member "Have you ever had a man slide his tongue in your ass?" In the 1980s he allegedly asked a waitress to go to the bathroom, "stick your finger in your pussy, and bring it out to me." He was out of cigars at the time or he would have offered her one.
Back to his movie career. After the too-short Ahnuld lost out to his much taller (6'5") bodybuilding rival Louis Jude "Lou" Ferrigno (1951-) for the title role of the TV series The Hulk, he got a role with short Kirk Douglas and Ann-Margret in the 1979 Western film parody The Villain.
Too bad, English film producer George Butler (1944-), who interviewed him for the documentary "Pumping Iron" alleged in 2003 that Ahnuld loved to express admiration for Adolf Hitler, play Nazi marching songs at home, and pretend to be an SS officer by clicking his heels. As that was back in the 1970s when he was still a wacky guy, it shouldn't be held against him in his mature years when he became an admirer of JFK and married his niece, right? Still, if he gets the U.S. Constitution changed so he can run for president, and ends up in the White House, his alleged Nazi sympathies suddenly become vetty interesting, jawohl?
In 1980 while training with swords and horseback riding for his no-stretch breakthrough role in Conan the Barbarian (1982), which got him into top shape, he sprung a surprise and entered and won the 1980 Mr. Olympia contest, his last, the 1977 admissions about steroid use not disqualifying him.
On Sept. 16, 1983 Ahnuld became a U.S. citizen. On Apr. 26, 1986 after 20 years of using women for sex, and looking at 40, he decided it was time to go stud and fix himself up for the post-muscle post-acting years, and married virginal Roman Catholic convent-schooled (Stone Ridge School of the Sacred Heart in Bethesda, Md.) Kennedy clan member Maria Owings Shriver (1955-), an award-winning journalist whom he dated since meeting her at an RFK tennis tournament in Aug. 1977, two-timing her with Beverly Hills hairdressing asst. Susan Moray (1952-), whom he met in 1976, and who dumped him in Aug. 1978 after finding it intolerable and knowing he would go with the rich connected babe, after which in 1984 he doubled-down and had a 1-year affair with his "Red Sonja" co-star Brigitte Nielsen (1963-) until Maria learned of it and issued an ultimatum, which was an offer he couldn't refuse. She held off marrying for years because of his philandering, and made him promise he would give it up, what a joke that turned out to be, eh? Franco Columbu was the best man at the wedding. Maria Shriver is the daughter of Robert Sargent Shriver Jr. (1915-) and Eunice Kennedy Shriver (1921-2009), sister of U.S. Dem. pres. #35 (1961-3) John Fitzgerald "Jack" Kennedy (1917-63), Robert Frances "Bobby" Kennedy (1925-68), and Edward Moore "Ted" Kennedy (1932-2009). Ahnuld and Maria went on to have children Katherine Eunice Schwarzenegger (1989-), Christina Maria Aurelia Schwarzenegger (1991-), Patrick Arnold Shriver Schwarzenegger (1993-), and Christopher Sargent Shriver Schwarzenegger (1997-). No, no Arnold Jr. or Adolf Jr., he had 1,001 love children and didn't want to take a chance on duplicates. Meanwhile while standing stud with unequally devout Roman Catholic breed mare Maria, in Oct. 1992 after seeing a convoy of 50 of them rolling past the Oregon set of his film "Kindergarten Cop", impulse-buyer Ahnuld bought the first two Hummers manufactured for civilian use, which at 6.3K lbs. and 7 ft. width got through govt. regs by being classified as a truck after he personally traveled to Indiana and talked the execs into redesigning them. "Look at those deltoids, look at those calves." Speaking of politics, onSept. 23, 2010 Obama's ex-Weathermen friend William Charles "Bill" Ayers(1944-) was unanimously denied emeritus status at the U. of Ill. after board chmn. (RFK's son) Christopher George Kennedy (1963-) gave a speech containing the soundbyte "I intend to vote against conferring the honorific title of our university to a man whose body of work includes a book dedicated in part to the man who murdered my father, Robert F. Kennedy."
Ahnuld's star-making role was as The Terminator (1984), where his ludicrous accent and lack of acting ability matched perfectly with the role of a robot covered with human skin and hair. He then began making bigger and bigger budget films, including Red Sonja (1985) (a bomb), Commando (1985), Raw Deal (1986), The Running Man (1987), The Predator (1987) (with co-star Jesse Ventura), Red Heat (1988), Twins (1988) (with Danny DeVito), Total Recall (1990), Kindergarten Cop (1990), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (AKA T2) (1991) (his greatest hit), Last Action Hero (1993) (a flop, portending the end of his acting career in sight, both because he was aging and because Hollyweird discovered that action movies are so phony that everybody knows it, so they might as well put beautiful people without big muscles in those roles, culminating in 2010 with Angelina Jolie in "Salt"), True Lies (1994), Junior (1994) (with Danny DeVito again), Eraser (1996), Jingle All the Way (1996), Batman & Robin (1997) (as Mr. Freeze) (another flop, which combined with a back injury made him see the handwriting on the wall), End of Days (1999) (well-named, like Last Action Hero, when referring to his career), The 6th Day (2000) (where he is cloned), Collateral Damage (2002), making four flops in a row, too much even for him, but salvaged with Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (AKA T3) (2003), after which his $20M per movie career was virtually kaput, with his net worth well over $100M, let's move on. In the meantime another Austrian made it big in America sans muscles, chef Wolfgang Johannes Puck (1949-), who entertained the Hollywood set with smoked salmon pizza starting in 1982. Speaking of food and wine, the 1985 Austrian Wine Scandal saw some Austrian wineries caught adultering their products with diethylene glycol (antifreeze) to make them sweeter and more full-bodied after some were shipped to German bottling facilities and caught by chemists; the scandal collapsed the Austrian wine industry, and they recovered over the next decade only by staying away from sweet wines, are you okay, fine, nothing broken but my heart.
First making waves as an allegedly liberal Republican in 1988 by appearing with pres. candidate George H.W. Bush at a campaign rally, Ahnuld carefully planned how to turn his wealth, fame, and Kennedy family connections into a political career. His first political soundbyte was "They all look like a bunch of girlie men, right?", a reference to the Pumping Up with Hans and Franz sketch on Saturday Night Live. In 1989 Ahnuld turned the publicity to his advantage by founding the Arnold Classic annual bodybuilding competition in Feb.-Mar. in Columbus, Ohio, with him if there's no money it why do it, and vice-versa. In 1990 he was appointed by Pres. GHW Bush (who called him "Conan the Republican") as chmn. of the President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports, serving until 1993. On Oct. 3, 1993 the film Demolition Man was released, starring Sylvester Stallone as John Spartan, who gets into a scene with Lenina Huxley (Sandra Bullock) where they talk about the Arnold Schwarzenegger Library and how his movie popularity caused a Constitutional amendment to be passed allowing him to become president. In Nov. 1998 pro wrestler-actor Jesse Ventura (1952-) was elected Independent gov. #38 of Minn., taking office from Jan. 4, 1999 until Jan. 6, 2003 and paving the way for Ahnuld. Meanwhile in 1998 6'5" World's Greatest Genius (tm) TLW (1953-) (who used to be a bodybuilder too starting in 1969 in Denver, Colo., but would never touch steroids and eventually switched to power lifting to become the world's strongest man, and lived in Southern Calif. in the late 1970s and used to visit Gold's Gym, not that anybody noticed, he preferred to avoid fame, before moving back to Denver in the early 1980s) published the enovel Schwarzen Auger: Dark Eyes of Evil, fantasizing that Ahnuld was really Hitler's son, the product of the Eugenics Movement that was based all along in the U.S., and they called their Superman home so that he could found the Fourth Reich, either with himself as Der Fuhrer or his children, who had the Kennedy genes in them too for a sure winner and to supply the needed IQ genes. Of course, nobody noticed, and I'm in no hurry to put it back up on Amazon.com.
On Oct. 29, 2002 Ahnuld gave an interview to Chris Matthews on MSNBC, telling how he became a Republican, with the soundbyte: "I came first of all from a Socialistic country which is Austria, and when I came over here in 1968 with the presidential elections coming up in November, I came over in October, I heard a lot of the press conferences from both of the candidates Humphrey and Nixon, and Humphrey was talking about more government is the solution, protectionism, and everything he said about government involvement sounded to me more like Austrian Socialism. Then when I heard Nixon talk about it, he said open up the borders, the consumers should be represented there ultimately and strengthen the military and get the government off our backs. I said to myself, what is this guy's party affiliation? I didn't know anything at that point. So I asked my friend, What is Nixon? He's a Republican. And I said, I am a Republican. That's how I became a Republican." In July 2003 he gave an interview to Esquire mag., with the soundbyte: "As much as when you see a blonde with great tits and a great ass, you say to yourself, hey, she must be stupid or must have nothing else to offer, which maybe is the case many times. But then again, there is the one that is as smart as her breasts look, great as her face looks, beautiful as her whole body looks gorgeous, you know, so people are shocked." He was naturally, as always, talking about himself? In July 2003 U.S. Sen. (R-Utah) Orrin Hatch proposed that the U.S. Constitution be amended to allow Ahnuld, er, any foreign-born American who has lived in the U.S. for at least 20 years to become U.S. president. No surprise, on Aug. 6, 2003 Ahnuld appeared on The Tonight Show to announce that he will be running in a special recall election to replace Dem. Calif. gov. (since 1999) Joseph Graham "Gray" Davis Jr. (1942-). His campaign as a Republican had the full backing of his Democratic Kennedy clan wife Maria, which was instrumental, especially after allegations of serial groping of six women over three decades came to light on Oct. 2, 2003, hey, I'm just rehearsing, I'll be baack. No problemo, squeezing women's breasts and slapping their butts for him maybe is just an act since he's God's gift to women and is saving his real equipment for a Kennedy, but as usual he gets the public to overlook it to bask in the glory of his lionlike mane, nevermind the cigar breath while giving an unwanted French kiss. Wasting no time, on Oct. 2 he admittted to the allegations without being specific, with the soundbyte: "So I want to say to you: yes, that I have behaved badly sometimes. Yes, it is true that I was on rowdy movie sets and I have done things that were not right which I thought then was playful, but now I recognize that I have offended people. And to those people that I have offended, I want to say to them I am deeply sorry about that, and I apologize because this is not what I'm trying to do. When I am governor, I will prove to women that I will be a champion for women. I hope you will give me the chance to prove this." On Oct. 4 three new women were added to the list, followed on Oct. 5 by four more, bringing the total to 13 one day before the Oct. 7 election, which he won anyway, attributing his V to Maria, but also because the timing of the allegations lessened their credibility. On Nov. 17, 2003 (10th anniv. of "Demolition Man") Ahnuld became Repub. gov. #38 of Calif. (until Jan. 3, 2011), becoming known as the Governator. Meanwhile on Oct. 31, 2003 Cuban dictator Fidel Castro (1926-) uttered the soundbyte about Ahnuld: "To judge from the photographs, he has a lot of muscle, but they have not tested him to see how much muscle he has in the brain... He may well have more force in the arms than in the brain."
On Aug. 31, 2004 Ahnuld gave a speech to the 2004 Repub. Nat. Convention, with the soundbytes: "But then I heard Nixon speak. He was talking about free enterprise, getting the government off your back, lowering the taxes and strengthening the military. Listening to Nixon speak sounded more like a breath of fresh air. I said to my friend, I said, 'What party is he?' My friend said, 'He's a Republican.' I said, 'Then I am a Republican.' And I have been a Republican ever since"; "If they don't have the guts to come up here in front of you and say I don't want to represent you, I want to represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers... If they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men"; "Speaking of acting, one of my movies was called True Lies. It's what the Democrats should have called their convention." On Sept. 15, 2004 U.S. Rep. (R-Calif.) (1989-) Dana Tyrone Rohrabacher (1947-) introduced an amendment to the U.S. Constitution allowing anyone who's been a U.S. citizen for 20 years to run for U.S. pres., esp. fellow Calif. Repub. Arnold Schwarzenegger; Senate Judiciary Committee chmn. Orrin Hatch of Utah proposes the same; on 60 Minutes on Oct. 31 (Halloween) Ahnuld said he would support such an amendment, with the soundbyte: "I mean, you know, anyone with my way of thinking, you always shoot for the top." On Sept. 16, 2004 Calif. Gov. Ahnuld announced that he's running for reelection in Nov. 2006, saying "I originally got into this... to finish the job. I'm in there for seven years" - the only state with the golden poppy as its flower? On Nov. 30, 2004 Ahnuld received the George Bush Award for public service from former Repub. pres. George H.W. Bush, who suggested that he could get around the Constitutional barrier and become the White Obama, er, next president, with the soundbyte "Don't bet against Arnold Schwarzenegger." On Sept 22, 2005 at a convention of the Calif. Nurses Association, actor-director-producer Warren Beatty (1937-), who had been considering running against him said that Ahnuld governs "by show, by spin, by cosmetics and photos ops, fake events, fake issues and fake crowds and backdrops", causing Ahnuld's spokesman to reply: "We don't care that much about Warren Beatty, and based on his ticket sales from the past generation, I doubt anyone else does either."
In Dec. 2005 after the Governator backed the death penalty, the people back in Austria turned on him and took away the honorific name of the soccer stadium in Graz after Ahnuld proacted and withdrew permission to use his name first.
On Nov. 7, 2006 Gov. Ahnuld was reelected for his first full term, defeating Dem. Calif. state treasurer Philip Nicholas "Phil" Angelides (1953-). Too bad, his approval rating slid to 30% in May 2009 after he cut the pay of state workers. He left office in Jan. 2011.
A nagging scar on Ahnuld's political rep is his friendship with Austrian politician Kurt Josef Waldheim (1918-2007), who was exposed for Nazi war crimes one month before Ahnuld and Maria's wedding, to which he was invited, but begged off, which didn't stop Ahnuld from making a speech saying "My friends don't want me to mention Kurt's name because of all the recent Nazi stuff and the U.N. controversy, but I love him and Maria does too, and so thank you, Kurt." Not that Ahnuld doesn't have dual U.S.-Austrian citizenship, and has been mentioned as a possible president of Austria, so maybe it's an Austrian thang. Magic moments, memories we've been sharing. By the way, Ahnuld's portraits bear a striking resemblance to Mass. Repub. gov. #59 (1953-6) and U.S. secy. of state (1959-61) Christian Archibald Herter Sr. (1895-1966), who in 1917 married Standard Oil heiress Mary Caroline Pratt (1895-1980), granddaughter of Standard oil magnate Charles Pratt (1830-91), and was a Freemason and globalist to boot, so maybe he can settle for secy. of state and hope he gets lucky with a mass assassination of those above him, the novel's in the works.
Did I mention that the only thing keeping King Leo Black Eyes from becoming president of the U.S. is the U.S. Constitution, Article II, Section 1, Clause 5, which isn't stopping him, as he has a relentless campaign to get it changed just for him regardless of future consequences, causing some to claim he really wants to become a world dictator like whimpy pencil-necked geek Adolf Hitler couldn't hack, stay tuned. Of course one might wonder how a poorly-educated country bumpkin with hardly any knowledge of history, politics, science and technology, or anything else except how to get girls, act in front of a camera, and be popular with audiences can become the president of the U.S., until one studies recent history and remembers Ronald Reagan. As to the citizenship problemo, after Pres. Obama pioneered the concept, he can just refuse to produce a birth certificate until he's in office, then proffer a phony PhotoShopped one to shut critics up, ja?
On Jan. 3, 2011 after his approval ratings plummeted lower than those of Gray Davis, while Calif. faced a terrific budget crisis, term limits caused aging sagging Ahnuld to leave office as gov. of Calif., after which he granted an interview in which he uttered the soundbyte "I was addicted to being governor", then estimated that the job cost him $200M, including $70M in lost movie roles, I'm sure that Daniel Craig is quaking in his boots. Too bad, on May 10, 2011 after Ahnuld decided to go back into acting with another Terminator movie, and Maria decided to work as an editor at Oprah Winfrey's magazine O, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver announced that they were separating after a quarter cent. of marriage; on May 7 they celebrated the graduation of their nephew, but Maria wasn't wearing her wedding ring; she moved out on him. On May 17, 2011 Ahnuld finally admitted why, namely, that in 1997 before becoming governator he sperminated, er, fathered a child with Mildred Patricia "Patty" Baena, a Hispanic member of the household staff, who lived in their mansion while pregnant and had her child the same week (five days after) Arnold's son Christopher Sargent (born Sept. 27, 1997); Breed Mare Maria and Stud Stallion Ahnuld attended the little tyke's christening, maybe he's the long-awaited new Fuhrer for a Roman Catholic empire? Back in 2003 the London Daily Mail published a story about Ahnuld's private jet stewardess for 20 years Tammy Tousignant, who allegedly had love child Tanner Tousignant by him in 2000; a paternity test allegedly proved it's not his. While some predict this ends his political career, maybe it's just the opposite, another gold pin on his credentials for U.S. president. Let's count the gold pins: former best physique on Earth, former biggest movie star on Earth, married into Kennedy clan, kept up with the JFK tradition of extra-marital affairs, with 1001 undiscovered love children waiting like a whack-a-mole game to keep the public endlessly fascinated. Add Nazi father, the Nazi connections to anti-Semitic Muslims, and he's got the juice to terrify Israel and the Muslim world simultaneously while he sets up a Roman Catholic New World order with his sons as princes of various principalities. And, thanks to Obama, he doesn't need to show a birth certificate to prove eligibility for the White House.
On Jan. 18, 2013 Kim Jee-woon's The Last Stand (Lionsgate) debuts, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger in his first acting role since "Terminator 3" in 2003 as small town Sommerton Junction, Ariz. sheriff Ray Owens, who lost his job on the LAPD after bungling an operation and getting his team decimated, taking on racing car driver drug lord Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega) and his souped-up Chevy Corvette C6 ZR1; does $48.8M box office on a $45M budget - the has-been star really knows how to pick movie titles?
On Oct. 18, 2013 it was revealed by Page Six that Ahnuld announced that he will try to part the waves and run for the White House in 2016.
On Sept. 2, 2014 Ahnuld's 2006 campaign strategist Matthew John Dowd (1961-) reveals to the New York Post that he had a love affair with Maria Shriver during the 2006 campaign that Ahnuld knew about but wanted hushed-up.
On Jan. 2, 2017 The New Celebrity Apprentice
debuts on NBC-TV, hosed by Arnold Schwarzenegger, with new U.S. pres. Donald Trump as exec producer; too bad, on Feb. 13 it ends after a measly seven episodes.