Jesus Christ, Superstar Roman Emperor Augustus (-63 to 14) Roman Emperor Tiberius (-42 to 37) Roman Emperor Claudius (-10 to 54) Roman Emperor Caligula (12-41) Roman Emperor Nero (37-68) Roman Emperor Vespasian (9 to 79) Vologases I of Parthia (-78) Egyptian Obelisk

T.L. Winslow's First (1st) Century Historyscope 1-99 C.E.

© Copyright by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.

Boudicca (-62) Herod Agrippa I (-10 to 44) Antonius Felix (5-) Jewish Temple, -70 Masada Roman Colosseum, 72-80 Domitian (51-96) Trajan (53-117) Route 666

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The First (1st) Century of the Common Era (C.E.) (1-99)

The Original Everybody Hates Chris Mystery Century? The Now We're Called the Bad/Good Guys But Later We'll Be the Good/Bad Guys Century? The Somewhere the Alarm Goes Off New Clear Eyes for Dry Eyes The Boy Is My Cholesterol Out of Whack That's Professional Grade Century?

The Right-Wing Nut Job One World Government Roman Empire succeeds a little too completely, with insane, cruel, power-mad, purple people-eating emperors ruling a militarized class system of self-serving devil-worshiping degenerates riding hereditarily and seemingly permanently on top of a zillion slaves, peoples of diverse backgrounds who are not only forever locked out of the power structure but treated as cattle despite all their promise and potential, blonde hair and blues eyes (or kinky black hair and purple eyes), and have no hope, causing an empire-wide class consciousness, leading to a conspiracy by the downtrodden, who launch a sneaky mental virus called Christinsanity, er, Christianity, backed up by all-too-serious codex-powered Christian fiction, with political purposes hidden under a religious cloak, spread by traveling missionaries who use the Romans' own empire-wide roads and lingua franca (Koine Greek) to network? The first public mass indoctrination appears, the prelude to modern mass everything? The pesky stiff-necked Jews are caught in the middle and get crushed, launching the conspiracy theory of conspiracy theories of the next 20+ centuries as the Roman and Jewish world views vie for worldwide supremacy under a zillion disguises?

Meanwhile the wild card White-is-Right uncivilized Germans beyond the Rhine River spook the Romans into fencing them out, where they breed like Easter rabbits and get ready to give them a huge border control problem before the Bush Age of Green Cards and Amnesty?

Spoiler? The Max Headroom Roman Empire is Here, and it's the Ultimate Product of Civilization, the Las Vegas of Southern Europe, with global ambitions. But it has an Achilles heel: no conscience. It's all about dog eat dog, and top dog rules. The safety net is slavery. Like Dante's Hell, nobody owes the less fortunate anything, and each class of people lives on top of the next class, who have to rim their asses. At least for the plebeian layer, the asses of the aristocratic top layer are clean enough to eat off of, but the proletarians have to spit out a few seeds, and the slaves at the bottom live in pure hell, with no hope.

As long as it all stayed out of the Holy Land, the Jews let it slide. But during this century the Romans go too far and mess with the Jews, destroying their national cult center of Jerusalem and dispersing them into the empire, after which the Jewdi strike back, and soon, when the masters weren't around, somebody would sneak up to them and whisper in their ear about a secret meeting at midnight, where somebody would read from a book and tell the story of their dear Jewish savior who was vilely treated by the Romans even worse than them, and triumphed over them, and over the whole world, with a secret bag of mojo that no Roman can touch, and is waiting in heaven to be their Jewish king one day, big poetic justice, sign right here, rescue me, take me into your arms, I want your tender charms. Just don't sell out to the system, or buy into it or sell out to it or even try to rise in it, and bide your time, and one day the high will be made low and vice-versa, are you ready to play Millionaire? No wonder that the Roman authorities began to wonder what this whispering among the lower classes was all about, but since the cult didn't publish paperback editions of their literature, and held their rock concerts and love feasts in secret, and they weren't invited anyway, they took the reactionary view and brought the bums out into the light under arrest. But after deciding they had no political ambitions, they tried to prove that they were tolerant of all religions, and could continue to worship their god Chrestus if they would just show they were good patriotic Romans by worshiping the emperor and burning incense or some other token act, and when they refused, of course they had them vilely and publicly executed as traitors and enemies of the state. But when the criminals actually went to death happy, believing they were going to a better place, the audience saw something they shouldn't have seen, causing the cult to validate its founding story the Roman way, with their blood, and the whole process backfired on the authorities, causing a mushrooming feedback process that undermined the empire itself, creating a dropout class of draft card burners, nine months for a health care career, your nine months starts right now.

This went on for three centuries, don't cringe, but then Wipeout!, Emperor Constantine got clever, and thought he could beat them by joining them, by making their criminal activity legit, and put their bishops on the public dole, no longer requiring the emperor to be worshiped as a god, but just accepted as the head cheese of the state-church as long as he runs the government, so that he could corrupt them and get them to put their followers in uniform to go out and kill for it. "In this sign you can conquer, right? We're a Christian country now, so show me your tootsie roll, go out and kill for the cross of Christ", how does it feel, you know the rules, you know the lifeline?

It worked, and most of the dropouts joined the system that killed their savior, vainly trying to stop the eager Roman government from opening their formerly pure underground religion to all, pagans included, as long as they take the bath and kiss the cross and join the army while leaving their pagan sticks out in the cold with the popsicles till later. But Jeezy Weezy was always about being the One Truth, so the Christian state-church was super-intolerant from the get-go, not only regarding paganism but doctrinal differences, which to them was like pagan infiltration into their thang, and soon the empire was tearing itself apart with civil war, with the in-denial pagans (a majority, but out in the cold politically, the only way back in being to take the bath and choose sides in the sub shop where they sell those 5-dollar footlongs) caught in the middle, resulting in the p-word becoming the new thought crime by the end of the 4th century, coming up live from Caesar's Palace, it's the new Las Vegas.

Hot pockets? Roman Channel dares you not to cringe? Have you heard? The government is sending us stimulus checks to help our Christian families? Too bad, most people were still pagans under the skin, and naturally kept doing it in the closet or with the curtains drawn, and, seeing how hopeless it was to return to the good ole days, decided they didn't love the system and didn't want to fight for it anymore than the old Christians used to, becoming the new dropouts, brown-bagging it, don't get in the loop with Qwest. So, just when the empire needed everybody to pull together against big bad barbarian northern Europe, who was left to defend it but the self-contradictory Christ-coopting pagan-curious now-I-feel-rich-but-what-did-Christ-say-about-the-rich government-certified Christians, while the brainy pagans just didn't care anymore and preferred to walk around the villa nude, party, and let the empire go to Hades.

At first it looked like it wasn't a gimmick as the first wave of Goths were handled by making them into (choke) Roman citizens, on the basis that they convert to state Christianity to get their papers. But the joke was on them when they went for the wrong wing, and became happy Arian heretics, with no use for the anti-Arian pope in Rome, instead playing both ends against the middle with the rival pope in New Rome (Constantinople). Then when the pagan Mongolian Huns threatened a quick end to them all by buying it cheap in a fire sale, they swallowed their pride temporarily and half-heartedly united to kick them out, but immediately went right back to their mutual hatreds and dirty dancing, until the Goths finally finished off the empire themselves in 476, and told the unworshipable non-Arian emperors to take a hike. And so all the former boss Latins became serfs, with no more emperors or empire, just memories, while a bunch of illiterate Arian Christian German kings ruled over slums filled with illiterate Arian Christian Germans who used Latin books for asswipe. Meanwhile the freaked don't-touch-me anti-Arian pope tried to rule over the remaining underclass anti-Arian Christian Latins as vicar of a ghost empire allegedly reporting directly to anti-Arian king Christ, it's separation of church and state while it suits our purposes, but don't worry, we'll be baack.

Meanwhile the whole stinking mess sat on the ruins of a thousand years of progress wiped out by the Christian clergy, who hold on to their love by do-do-do-a-dollop-with-daisy, Jackass Number 2, destroying any remaining pagan writings, even on history and science, want stronger teeth, chew Orbit not. So, Gibbon was right? BTW, was it necessary for Egypt to fall before Christianity could be forn? You decide, get in the loop with quest?

Country Leader From To
Roman Empire Augustus (Octavian) (-63 to -14) -27 14 Roman Emperor Augustus (-63 to 14)

1 - Time Starts Over With Year 1 Because of Christ the Ichthys (Fish)?

Sign of Pisces Sign of Pisces Roman Emperor Augustus (-63 to 14) Castor and Pollux Statue, 1st cent. C.E.

1 This might be the year 1, but nobody at the time calls it that? The 195th Olympiad. World pop.: 170M-400M; Roman Empire: 50M-60M; Han Empire: 58M; N Vietnam (Jiaozhi Province of China): 1M; in this cent. there are at least 1M Jews outside Judea (Palestine) in each major Jewish pop. center of Syria, Asia Minor, Egypt and Babylonia, and 8K in Rome; pop. of the city of Rome: 1M, Alexandria: 500K, Antioch: 500K, Pergamum: 100K; few other cities have more than 20K. The Age of Aries (begun -2150) ends, and the Age of Pisces (Age of Deception) begins (200 B.C.E.) (ends by 2000, Dec. 12, 2012, or 2150?). It takes until the year 1500 for the human technical knowledge in this year to double, according to French economist Georges Anderla (1921-2005). Roman consuls: Gaius Caesar and Lucius Aemilius Paullus. The Anglo-Saxon Chronicle (begun 891 C.E.) is backdated to this cent.; "The island Britain is 800 miles long, and 200 miles broad. And there are in the island five nations; English, Welsh (or British), Scottish, Pictish, and Latin. The first inhabitants were the Britons, who came from Armenia, and first peopled Britain southward. Then happened it, that the Picts came south from Scythia, with long ships, not many; and, landing first in the northern part of Ireland, they told the Scots that they must dwell there. But they would not give them leave; for the Scots told them that they could not all dwell there together; 'But', said the Scots, 'We can nevertheless give you advice. We know another island here to the east. There you may dwell, if you will; and whosoever withstandeth you, we will assist you, that you may gain it.' Then went the Picts and entered this land northward. Southward the Britons possessed it, as we before said. And the Picts obtained wives of the Scots, on condition that they chose their kings always on the female side, which they have continued to do, so long since. And it happened, in the run of years, that some party of Scots went from Ireland into Britain, and acquired some portion of this land. Their leader was called Reoda, from whom they are named Dalreodi (or Dalreathians)." The Alps are nearly ice-free? Ai Di (b. -27) dies childless, and his 9-y.-o. cousin Ping Di (-9 to 6) becomes Xi Han emperor #14 of China (until 5), with learned Confucian scholar Wang Mang (-45 to 23) as regent. Yada'il Dharih IV (d. 15) becomes king #55 of Saba in S Arabia. By this cent. Ireland (Hibernia) (Juverna) (Ierne) is divided into the Five Fifths (Cuig Cuigi): Connaught (Connacht) (W) (the Wild Wild West, home of Connaugh Eastwood?), North Leinster or Meath (Midhe) (NE), South Leinster (Laigin) (SE), Munster (Muma) (S), and Ulster (Ulaid) (N) (land of the Goidels), each with its own king, all subject to the ard-ri (monarch) in the C district of Meath, who resides in Tara; the laws are dispensed by brehons, who are endowed with lands and privileges. In this cent. Iranians and Greeks colonize NE Anatolia, founding the villages of Iskenaz, Eskenaz, and Ashanaz before converting to Judaism and creating the Yiddish language? In this cent. the city of Argentoratum in Alsace on the Rhine River is first mentioned on Roman milestones; by the 6th cent. it is renamed Strasbourg (Germ. "strass" + "bourg" = crossroads town") (modern-day pop. 276K/773K). In this cent. the spa town of Baden-Baden (Ger. "to bathe") in SW Germany (modern-day pop. 54K) is founded by the Romans (enjoying 29 natural springs flowing from artesian wells under Florentine Hill)(, along with the city of Frankfurt (Ger. "ford of the Franks") on the Main River (modern-day pop. 732K/5.6M) - looks lived in? In this cent. the Jazyges (Iazyges) Sarmatian tribe moves W from the shores of the unhealthy Black Sea and the Sea of Azov, with their vanguard settling between the Tisza and Danube Rivers in modern-day C Hungary, where they first come into contact with Romans - in this neighborhood there are no rules, just finish lines? In this cent.Madagascar, "the Red Island" is settled by Malayan-Indonesian people. In this cent. the Bantu peoples begin spreading through E Africa, practicing forest agriculture based on the yam. In this cent. the Lenape ("people") (AKA Delaware Indians) move to the Kittatinny Mts. in the Delaware River Valley. In this cent. the town of Aquae Grani (Aquisgranum) (hot springs of Apollo Granu) in Germania 40 mi. WSW of Cologne is founded by the Romans; it later becomes known as Aachen and Aix-la-Chapelle. In this cent. blind Irish druid Mug Ruith (Mogh Roith) (Gael. "slave of the wheel") from Munster allegedly lives on Valentia Island in County Kerry, becoming a student of Simon Magus of New Testament fame, going on to develop magical powers incl. the ability to turn into a giant, kill men with his breath and cause storms, and fly in his ox-driven chariot called the roth ramach (oared-wheel), wearing a hornless bull hide and bird mask, with a star-speckled black shield with silver rim; his descendants the Dugan (Duggan) clan populate Fermoy (Fir Maige Fene) (Gael. "monastery of the men of the plain") on the Blackwater River in E County Cork, which is ruled since the 11th cent. by the O'Keeffe (O'Keefe) (O Cuiv) clan (Gael. "caomh" = kind, gentle) of the Eoganacht Glendamnach, and becomes the site of a Cistercian abbey in the 13th cent. In this cent. camels first appear in N Africa. In this cent. Romans bring housecats to Britain. In this cent. Greek physician Aretaeus of Cappadocia flourishes, leaving De Causis et Signis Acutorum Morborum et al. In this cent. Alexandrian Gnostic Ormus founds the original version of the Priory of Sion, complete with a cross-rose symbol? Architecture: Early in this cent. a Jewish menorah copied from the Temple of Jerusalem is engraved in stone in Migdal, the alleged birthplace of Mary Magdalene near the harp-shaped Sea of Galilee (Heb. "harp"); unearthed in 2009. Inventions: In this cent. glass-blowing is invented in the Roman Empire. Science: In this cent. only nine chemical elements are known (copper, lead, gold, silver, iron, tin, sulfur, mercury, zinc), vs. 12 in 1500, 19 in 1750, 84 in 1900, and 100 in 1953 (year of TLW's birth) - maybe it's a govt. coverup? Today 118 elements are known, incl. #115 Ununpentium (2003), #116 Livermorium (2000), #117 Ununseptium (2010), and #118 (Oganesson) (2002). About this time Cicilia-born Greek physician Athenaeus of Attalia, pupil of Posidonius flourishes in Rome, founding the Pneumatic School of Medicine, which breaks from the Methodic School by claiming that the cause of health or disease is pneuma (spirit). Nonfiction: Early in this cent. Roman gourmet glutton Marcus Gavius Apicius of Minturnae, Campania (who spent 100M of his 110M sesterces fortune on food) flourishes, addicting upper-class Romans to his expensive gluttonous ways, discovering how to feed geese with dried figs in order to produce Foie gras; in the 4th-5th cents. a cookbook compiled in a vulgar Latin, geared to the wealthy classes, incl. recipes for yummy flamingo tongue; the Latin word ficatum (fig) evolves into the words for liver in Romance languages (foie in French, higado in Spanish, fegato in Italian, figado in Portuguese); recipes for meat-based stews call for the use of cookware with non-stick red-slip coating, which goes back to at least the reign of Augustus. Art: In this cent. the dangly marble Statue of Castor and Pollux (AKA the Dioscuri) is sculpted, ending up in La Granja Palace in San Ildefonso, Segovia, Spain until 1839, followed by the Prado in Madrid. Novels: About this time the anon. romance novel Callirhoe is written; the earliest ms. dates to the 13th cent. C.E. Births: Roman Praetorian prefect (51) Sextus Afranius Burrus (Latin for Pyrrhus) (d. 62) in Gallia Narbonensis, Vasio. Jewish Christian apostle and pope #1 St. Peter (Simon) (Simeon) (d. 67) in Bethsaida, Gaulanitis, Syria, Roman Empire; son of John (Jonah). Jewish Christian apostle St. John the Evangelist (d. 100) in Galilee. Deaths: Chinese Xi Han emperor (-7 to 1) Ai Di (b. -27).

2 Roman consuls: Publius Alfenus Varus and Publius Vinicus. After his grandson Lucius (b. -17) dies in Spain; Roman emperor #1 (-27 to 14) Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus (Octavian) (Gaius Octavius Thurinus) (AKA Augustus) (-63 to 14) summons his stepson Tiberius from retirement in Rhodes to Rome. Poetry: Ovid (-43 to 18), Ars Amatoria (The Art or Textbook of Love) (3 vols.); the first Roman sex manual, covering how a man can get a woman in vol. 1, how to keep her in vol. 2, and how a woman can win and keep a man in vol. 3; "I have just armed the Greeks against the Amazons. Now, Penthesilea, it remains for me to arm thee against the Greeks"; "What brings a blush is our special business here"; "I abhor intercouse that does not relieve both. That is why I am not aroused by the love of young boys"; followed by Remedia Amoris (The Remedy or Cure for Love) - that's eating good in the neighborhood?

3 Roman consuls: Marcus Servilius and Lucius Aelius Lamia. A conspiracy against regent Wang Mang by his son Wang Yu and the maternal Wei clan uncles of boy emperor Ping is thwarted, causing Wang Man to go nonlinear and virtually exterminate the Han dynasty and designate his daughter as empress consort to Ping. About this time the Yellow River changes course from N to S of the Shandong Peninsula, causing famine, epidemics, and mass peasant migration, causing bands of peasants to foment revolts. Births: Chinese Han historian Ban Biao (Pan Piao) (d. 54) in Xianyang, Shaanxi; father of Ban Chao (32-102), Ban Gu (32-92), and Ban Zhao (45-116).

4 - The original Four More Years, you to the power of 24, or, Ooh baby baby? Tiberius is in with the new Julian-Claudian House, with his own JFK and Jackie waiting in the wings?

Germanicus (-15 to 19) Nero Claudius Drusus Minor (-13 to 23) Agrippina Major (-14 to 33)

4 Roman census. Roman consuls: Sextus Aelius Catus and Gaius Sentius Saturninus. Augustus' last grandson Gaius Caesar (b. -20) dies in the east, leaving him with no heirs, so after his 2nd wife Livia talks him into it Augustus names his stepson (by Livia and her first hubby Tiberius Claudius Nero) Tiberius as his heir, then makes Tiberius adopt his favorite great-nephew (son of Augustus' niece Antonia Minor and husband of Augustus' granddaughter Agrippina the Elder) Nero Claudius Drusus Germanicus as his son and heir, who is renamed Germanicus Julius Caesar (-15 to 19), passing over Tiberius' own son (by 1st wife Vipsania Agrippina) Nero Claudius Drusus Minor (-13 to 23) (known for his violent temper), who is related to the Claudian side of the family but not the Julian side; hot-to-trot 18-y.-o. Germanicus then marries 16-y.-o. Julia Vipsania Agrippina I (Major) (the Elder) (-14 to 33) (daughter of Augustus' daughter Julia and Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa), uniting Julian and Claudian blood in the nine children she bears over the next 14 years (incl. Caligula), founding the Julian-Claudian Dynasty and making him the man wearing shades (his future seems so bright) in the Roman Empire, becoming a military leader loved by his legions; big man Tiberius then goes off to campaign in Germany. Phraatakes and his wife Musa are deposed by the Parthian senate. After manumussions of slaves become so numerous that it pisses him off and threatens the social status quo, Augustus gets the Lex Aelia Sentia passed, requiring the master to be at least 20 years old and the slave at least 30.

Cunobelinus (Cymbeline) of Britain (-41) Wang Mang (-45 to 23)

5 The 196th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Gnaeus Cornelius Cinna Magnus and Lucius Valerius Messala Volesus. Roman jurist Marcus Antistius Labeo (-50 to 18) is passed over for consul suffectus (substitute in case the consul ordinarius dies or becomes unable to fulfill his duties) by Augustus (as too incorruptible) for Roman jurist Gaius Ateius Capito (-30 to 22), pissing-off Labeo so bad that he refuses the office when offered to him later. Teenie Han emperor Ping (b. -9) is poisoned by his regent Wang Mang, who puts infant Han Ruzi Ying (Ying the Kid) (Liu Ying) (5-25) on the throne (until 9), becoming the last emperor of the Western Han (Xi Han) Empire (founded in -206). The Lombards (Longobards) ("long beards"), members of the Hunnic Empire established during Augustus' reign on the lower Elbe River at Bardengau are defeated by the Romans. King Cunobelinus (Cunobeline) (Cymbeline) (Cunobelin) (Cynfelyn) (Kymbelinus) (Cynon) ("hound of Belenus", "strong as a dog") ("shining hound") (-41) of the Catuvellani tribe is recognized as king of SE Britain (centered in Hertfordshire) by Rome. Births: Chinese emperor (6-9) Han Ruzi Ying (Ying the Kid) (Liu Ying) (d. 25). Roman breed mare Julia (Iulia) Livia (Julia Drusi Caesaris Filia) (d. 43); daughter of Julius Caesar Drusus Minor (-13 to 23) and Livilla (-13 to 31); granddaughter of Tiberius; wife (20-30) of Nero Caesar (6-30). Jewish Christian disciple #1 (St.) Andrew (Andreas) the Apostle (the First-Called) (d. 62) in Galilee; brother of Simon Peter. Chinese Dong Han empress Yin Lihua (Guanglie) (Chin. "rebuilding and achieving empress") (d. 64); first empress to receive a posth. name. Jewish Christian apostle (Pharisee-turned-Christian) ("Apostle of the Gentiles") (St.) Paul (Gr. "little") (Saul) (Heb. "asked of God") (the Apostle) (of Tarsus) (d. 65) in Tarsus, Cilicia, Roman Empire. Deaths: Roman orator-poet-historian Gaius Asinius Pollio (b. -76).

Orodes III of Parthia (-6)

6 Roman consuls: Marcus Aemilius Lepidus and Lucius Arruntius. In the winter after Wang Mang gives him poisoned pepper wine, and he dies after a few days of suffering; his infant cousin-once-removed Han Ruzi Ying (Ying the Kid) (Liu Ying) (5-25) becomes emperor, but never tkes the throne, with Wang Mang the acting emperor. The Roman province of Moesia in SE Europe between the Danube River and the Balkans (N of Thrace) is created, with Caecina Severus as gov. #1, with the main cities of Sirmium (modern-day Sremska Mitrovica), Singidunum (modern-day Belgrade), and Viminacium (modern-day Kostolac). Tiberius is called from Germany to suppress a serious revolt in Pannonia. Jews and Samaritans appeal to Rome to end the bad rule of Herod Archelaus, and he is banished to Vienne in Gaul and his realm annexed as an autonomous part of the Roman Province of Syria, to be administered by a prefect in Caesarea whose job is to assess property and collect taxes for the emperor, for which post Roman sen. Publius Sulpicius Quirinius (d. 21) is chosen (for the 2nd time?); Coponius becomes the first prefect (hegemon) of the Roman Province of Iudaea (Judea) (Syria, Samaria) incl. Jerusalem and environs, the first in a line stretching to the year 41, based in the new Roman capital of Caesarea on the coast; Syrian Gov. Quirinius takes a census of the Jews, which shakes them up because it destroys their last illusions of self-rule (Luke Ch. 2), and there is a bloody revolt (Acts 5:37) led by Judas of Galilee (Gamala) (Josephus, Jewish Antiquities, XVIII, 1-4 [i,1]), founder of the Jewish Sicarii ("dagger-wielders") (known for concealed daggers) (armed freedom fighters drawn from the Pharisees and Essenes, not the small wealthy land-owning group of Sadducees, who are Quislings); Annas (Ananus) (Ananias) (-23 to 40), son of Seth is appointed Jewish high priest in Jerusalem by Quirinius (until 15). Herod the Great's descendants through #7 Herod (Marcus Julius) Agrippa II (27-100) remained client kings of Judea until 96 C.E. Orodes III is placed on the Parthian throne by the Senate, then erodes quick and is deep sixed, er, assassinated after a few mo. Augustus creates the aerarium militare, a 1% tax on everything sold at auction, put in a special treasury to provide bonuses for retiring soldiers. Architecture: The 177-ft.-tall, 25 acre Great Pyramid of Cholulu de Rivadavia in Mexico is begun (finished in 12); largest pyramid on Earth? Births: Roman heir apparent Nero Julius Caesar Germanicus (d. 30); son of Germanicus and Agrippina the Elder; brother of Caligula, Julia Livilla, Drusilla, and Agrippina the Younger; husband (20-30) of Julia; adopted son of Tiberius. Jewish Christian apostle (youngest) ("the Beloved Disciple") John of Patmos the Apostle (Evangelist) (Elder) (d. 100) in Bethsaida, Galilee; brother of James the Greater; disciple of John the Baptist; called Boanerges ("sons of thunder") by Jesus along with James for their zeal. Deaths: Egyptian princess Cleopatra II Selene (b. -40) in Mauretania.

7 Roman consuls: Quintus Caecilius Metellus Creticus Silanus and Aulus Licinius Nerva Silianus. Germanicus becomes quaestor at age 20, five years before the prescribed minimum. Births: Roman Gen. Gnaeus (Cnaeus) Domitius Corbulo (d. 67); father of Domitia Longina (53-130). Christian fictional saint Julian the Hospitaller (Poor) (d. ?) in Ath, Belgium; patron saint of travellers; pagan witches jinx him into killing his parents; feast day: Feb. 12. Deaths: Greek historian Dionysius of Halicarnassus (b. -60); leaves The Arrangement of Words, On Imitation, Commentaries on the Attic Orators, and Roman Antiquities, a 20-vol. history of Rome to the year -264.

Ovid (-43 to 17) Vonones I (-12)

8 Roman consuls: Marcus Furius Camillus and Sextus Nonius Quinctilianus. Augustus arrests the husband of his granddaughter Julia for conspiring against him, then banishes her for adultery; popular, in-demand, libidinous Roman poet Ovid (-43 to 17) gives some offense to the family of Augustus (screws around with his wife Livia?) (leaks the scandal involving Julia?) and is banished to Tomi (modern-day Constanta, Romania) on the Euxine (Black Sea) coast near the mouth of the Danube River, where he is miserable; he later gives the excuse that it was all due to the pub. of his X-rated poem "Ars Amatoria" 6 years earlier, and he spends the rest of his life trying to get repatriated (although he never loses his citizenship), writing Tristia (5 vols.) (blam-blamming to Augustus about giving him a 2nd chance), Epistulae ex Ponto (more of the same), Ibis (a poison pen letter), and Halieutica (Fishmongerwatch) (about the terrible fish). Orodes III's son Vonones I (d. 12) becomes king of Parthia. Wang Mang (-45 to 23) becomes regent, and after he plots to seize power he is dismissed, but plots a comeback. Poetry: Ovid (-43 to 17), Metamorphoses (Book of Transformations) (15 vols.); his magnum opus; a compendium of all transformations recorded in mythology from Creation to the apotheosis of Julius Caesar, ending with his change into a star; "In nova fert animus mutatas dicere formas corpora (I will tell about changed forms in new bodies); first English trans. pub. by William Caxton in 1480; Book 4 tells the story of Babylonian lovers Pyramus and Thisbe, who arrange to meet at the tomb of Ninus, but Thisbe gets there too soon, is startled by a lioness who just killed an ox, leaving her veil covered in the ox's blood, and when Pyramus arrives he thinks you know what and kills himself under a mulberry tree, followed by Thisbe when she returns, all of which explains why the mulberry fruit is no longer white but dark red; Book 5 talks about the Pierian Spring near Mount Olympus in Macedonia, caused by the winged horse Pegasus striking the earth with his hoof, after which the Pierides, daughters of King Pierus lose a contest with the Muses and are turned into magpies; Book 6 tells the story of Procne and Philomela, about Athenian princess Philomela, daughter of King Pandion and sister of Procne, who is raped by Procne's husband King Tereus of Thrace (Daulis in Phocis?), then de-tongued to keep her quiet, but gets the message out by weaving words in the fabric of a robe, causing Procne to kill her son (by Tereus) Itys (Itylos) and serve it to Tereus, after which all three get changed into birds, Philomena into a nightingale, Procne into a swallow, and Tereus into a hawk (hoopoe); Book 8 tells the story of the Minotaur, and Daedalus and Icarus, about the maker of the Labyrinth in Crete, who is shut in a tower by King Minos of Crete to keep his knowledge from spreading, causing him to make wings for himself and his young son Icarus, who flies too high, causing the wax to melt, and drowns in the sea near Icaria; Book 12 tells the story of the Fall of Troy.

9 - The Original Berlin Wall, Or, Number Nine? Another Cold Sore, Will It Ever Go Away? The supposedly invincible Romans get their 9/11 wakeup call from the Osama bin Laden of their day at Toot Toot Teutoburg?

Publius Quinctilius Varus (-46 to 9) Arminius (Hermann) of the Cherusci (-17 to 21)

9 The 197th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Quintus Sulpicius Camerinus and Gaius Poppaeus Sabinus. Unmarried suffect consuls Marcus Papius Multius and Quintus Poppaeus Secundus introduc the Lex Papia Poppaea, encouraging marriages and discouraging celibacy and adultery - make an honest woman out of your ho? Germany's founding battle? The original Dortmund Pocket and the genesis of the myth of German superiority? Germanic (Cherusci) chief Arminius (Hermann) (OG "army man") (-17 to 21), who served in the Roman army from 1-6 C.E., obtained Roman citizenship and a knowledge of Roman military tactics, becoming an equitae ("sir"), and returned home in 7 C.E. to find his people being oppressed by haughty Roman gov. (legate) Publius Quinctilius Varus (b. -46) gets pissed-off and organizes a revolt, throwing Varus off-guard by letting him think that Germania is already a Roman province and he is their gov., feeding him with lawsuits to settle to prove his wisdom, then playing him for a suckah and leading Gorgeous W. Bush, er, Varus and his three legions (20K men) (10% of the entire Roman army) into a trap, where his unarmored warriors outthink, outwit, outlast, and massacre them in the 3-day Battle of Teutoburg (Teutoburger) Forest (Wald) in modern-day Kalkriese near Cologne in modern-day North Rhine-Westphalia, West Germany, N of Colonia Agrippina and Mainz; the battle is not fought in the forest but out in the open, with the Romans trapped between the hills and bogs; the Germans commit atrocities against the loser Romans incl. nailing their heads to trees, cutting the throats of officers on pagan altars, and cutting out tongues and sewing up the mouths; the big V temporarily unites chieftains from modern-day Holland to Poland against Rome; Varus' head is sent back as a present; according to Tacitus, Varus attributes the valor of the Germans to their copious use of beer; the news causes panic in Italy, and Augustus goes apeshit, wandering around his palace for months crying "Varus, give me back my legions", and begins to decline into an old fart, ordering the Rhine River to become the permanent border between the Romans and the Germans, while Tiberius is transferred to the Rhine frontier to try to plug the dyke; all hopes of a new N frontier for the Roman empire are abandoned, and the Romans go permanently on the defensive, creating a permanent division between N and S Europe, allowing the Germans to develop a strong nat. consciousness and breed hordes of Roman killers on their own timetable to exploit the fatal mistake of lack of noive that ultimately dooms the supposedly merciless Romans, who fall in 476 C.E.; this fatal decision outlasted the Roman Empire, forever splitting Europe into the German-speaking north and the Latin-speaking south, which was a big reason for the Protestant Reformation, and even carried over into America; people still can't overcome it today? Marcus Ambivius becomes Roman prefect of Judea. Wang Mang finally usurps the throne from the Liu family, deposing and killing young emperor Ruzi (b. 5), and founding the Xin (Hsin) (New) Dynasty (ends 23), attempting to found a truly Confucian society by dissolving the large tax-free estates and distributing the land to peasants, and abolishing the sale of slaves and fields, causing many Han families to flee to Vietnam, changing the govt. from bilaterial kin to patriarchal control; too bad, the radical reforms alienate the establishment and are plagued by a string of natural disasters; Wang Mang has a scout bound with bird feathers and launched from a tower, sailing 100m. Births: Roman Flavian ("yellow-haired") emperor #9 (69-79) Vespasian (Titus Flavius Sabinus Vespasian) (d. 79) (known as Vespasian not Titus - that's his son) on Nov. 17 in Vicus Phalacrinae near Reate (modern-day Rieti) (NE of Rome); son of a poor tax collector; father of emperor Titus (39-81) - the father-son team who kick Jehovah's butt for Jupiter? Deaths: Chinese emperor (5-9) Han Ruzi Di (b. 5).

10 Roman consuls: Publius Cornelius Dolabella and Gaius Junius Salinus. Pannonia (in C Europe between the Danube and Sava Rivers) is established as a Roman province. About this time Roman baths are built in Sagalassos, Turkey, becoming the oldest to survive to modern times; around 120 Emperor Hadrian orders the building of the Imperial Baths on top of this site after selecting the city as the center of his imperial cult for Pisidia. Births: British king Caractacus (Caradoc) (Caradog) (d. 10); son of Cunobeline (-40). Greek mathematician-engineer Hero (Heron) of Alexandria (d. 70). Deaths: Jewish sage Hillel the Elder (b. -110) in Jerusalem: "If I am not for myself, who is for me? But if I am for myself alone, who am I?"; "Whosoever destroys a soul, it is considered as if he destroyed an entire world. And whosoever that saves a life, it is considered as if he saved an entire world." Jewish Herod I the Great's sister Salome (b. -65); dies after willing her toparchies to Augustus' wife Livia.

11 Roman census. Roman consuls: Marcus Aemilius Lepidus and Titus Statilius Taurus. Germanicus joins Tiberius in the Rhine frontier. The Yellow River in China changes its course again, whipping up peasant revolts again.

Artabanus II of Parthia (-10 to 38) Annius Rufus

12 Roman consuls: Germanicus Caesar and Gaius Fonteius Capito. Rome gives Tiberius a triumph for his attack on the Germans on the Elbe River; meanwhile his adopted son Germanicus becomes consul - no sobriety test needed? Vonones I is defeated by Artabanus II (-10 to 38), who becomes king of Parthia. Annius Rufus becomes Roman prefect of Judea. Chinese regent Wang Mang (-45 to 23) finally usurps the throne from the Liu family, deposing and killing young emperor Ruzi (b. 5), and founding the Xin (Hsin) (New) Dynasty (ends 23), attempting to found a truly Confucian society by dissolving the large tax-free estates and distributing the land to peasants, and abolishing the sale of slaves and fields, causing many Han families to flee to Vietnam, changing the govt. from bilaterial kin to patriarchal control; too bad, the radical reforms alienate the establishment and are plagued by a string of natural disasters. Births: Roman emperor #3 (37-41) Caligula (Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus) (d. 41) on Aug. 31; son of Germanicus (-16 to 19) and Agrippina Major (-14 to 18); nicknamed Caligula ("Little Army Boots", "Bootsy") because of the way his mommy dresses her l ittle Caesar up? - that little chiffon black pants suit with the iron-on butterflies?

13 The 198th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Lucius Munatius Plancus and Gaius Silius. Old fart Octavian writes his will and makes Tiberius co-emperor; Germanicus becomes gov. of Upper and Lower Germany W of the Rhine. Deaths: Chinese empress (-48 to -33) Wang Zhengjun (b. -71) in the spring.

14 - The Dry Fig Year?

Roman Emperor Tiberius (-42 to 37) Roman Empress Livia (-58 to 29) Drusus Younger (-23) Lucius Aelius Sejanus (-23 to 31) Augustus of Prima Porta, 20 C.E.

14 The Res Gestae Divi Augusti (Achievements of the Divine Augustus) (Roman census) claims 4,937,000 Roman citizens; the total free pop. is 7.5M, plus 3M slaves. Roman consuls: Sextus Appuleius and Sextus Pompeius. It's all about the he-said she-said bullsh--? On Aug. 19 (Aug. 17 Gregorian) after 40 years as a god, dried-out old fart Roman emperor Octavian Augustus (b. -23) is given poisoned figs (belladonna?) by his venerable scheming 2nd wife Livia (b. -58) (after he will only eat figs he personally picks, and she spends all night coating every one on the tree?) and dies in Nola in Campania after asking Livia whether Tiberius' granddaughter (daughter of Julius Caesar Drusus and Livilla) Julia Livia (Julia Drusi Caesaris Filia) (5-43) has recovered from an illness, uttering the soundbyte: "Fabula acta est" (the play is finished); since Livia had systematically eliminated all rivals, and Germanicus fails to go for it, on Sept. 15 Augustus is succeeded by his stepson (Livia's son) Claudius Nero Tiberius (-42 to 37) (who already holds tribunicia potestas and imperium maius) as Roman emperor #2; he decides that Augustus' palace sucks and builds his own palace on the Palatine Hill; in his will Augustus adopts traitor wife Livia into his own lineage, giving her the title Julia Augusta; meanwhile Tiberius cuts off the allowance of his wife Julia the Elder (b. -39), and she starves to death; the Senate appoints Germanicus as cmdr. of the Roman legions in Pannonia and Germany, but when they get the news that their recruitments will not be reduced to 16 years from the usual 20, they mutiny and proclaim Germanicus emeror, but he stays honorable and suppresses them, then disobeys Augustus' will by impetuously leading them across the Rhine River to raid the Marsi on the upper Ruhr River, massacring most of the tribe; meanwhile Tiberius' real son Drusus Minor is sent to make sure the mutiny in Pannonia is suppressed. Rome sets up a network of relay runners carrying messages 50 mi. a day. Augustus leaves a will specifying that the empire's boundaries not be enlarged, but that doesn't stop later emperors from acquiring Cappadocia (EC Asia Minor) in 18, Mauretania (NW Africa) in 41-3, Britain in 43, Pontus (SE shore of the Black Sea) in 63, Thrace (W of Byzantium) in 46, Lower Dacia (N of the Danube) in 87, Arabia (NW corner) in 105, Upper Dacia in 107, and Armenia, Babylonia and Osrhoene (S of Cappadocia and Armenia, incl. Edessa) in 115. Tiberius transfers the elections from the assemblies to the Senate, where already the passage of laws by the assemblies has become a rubber stamp formality; sometime during Tiberius' reign some passengers of a ship allegedly claim to hear a voice shouting that Pan (the pagan prototype of the devil) is dead, and the early Christians take it as a reference to the dawning of the age of you know who? About this time the Golden Age of Latin (begun -80) ends, and the Silver Age of Latin begins (ends 180). Nonfiction: During Roman Emperor Tiberius' reign Alexandria-born Greek philosopher Apollonius the Sophist writes Homeric Lexicon, the first Greek lexicon, mentioned by 10th cent. Greek lexicographer Suidas; Philostratus claims that Apollonius attended a feast in India where he saw "cup-bearers of dark bronze resembling the figures of Ganymede or of Pelops among the Greeks" (androids?). Poetry: Roman poet Manilius, author of the didactic poem Astronomica flourishes about this time. Births: Jewish exotic dancer and lover of good head Salome (Salomé) (d. 71); daughter of Herodias (-15 to 39). Deaths: Roman noble babe Julia the Elder (b. -39) (only child of Augustus) (starved). Roman emperor #1 (-27 to 14) Augustus (b. -23) on Aug. 19 Julian (Aug. 17 Gregorian) in Nola, Campania (poisoned); last words: "The play is finished" (Fabula acta est); Augustus is buried in the Mausoleum of Augustus along with his nephew Marcellus; in 20 C.E. the 2.03m bronze Statue of Augustus of Prima Porta of Roman emperor #1 (-27 to 14) Augustus (-63 to 14) is vowed to him by the Roman Senate, portraying him as divine as he strides into battle barefooted; a white marble copy is made for his wife Livia Dursilla (Julia Augusta), and discovered in her villa Ad Gallinas Albas near the 9th mile marker of the Via Flaminia close to the Prima Porta imperial gate near Rome on Apr. 20, 1863; a gift from her son Tiberius Caesar?; based on the 5th cent. B.C.E. statue "Doryphoros" (Spear Bearer) by Polykleitos, it shows Augustus barefoot like a god, while skipping the old Roman republican style of showing leaders as old and wise and reverting to the classical Greek style of leaders enjoying youth and strength, esp. Alexander the Great; Cupid riding a dolphin helps support the statue, connecting him with Cupid's mother Venus via his adopted father Julius Caesar; his heroic armor (cuirass) depicts the retrieval of the standards of Crassus' army from the Parthians, in which Tiberius played a role as intermediary.

15 Roman consuls: Julius Caesar Drusus Minor and Gaius Norbanus Flaccus. After swearing loyalty to Tiberius, Praetorian prefect (since ?) Lucius Seius Strabo (-46 to 16) is made gov. of Egypt (the highest office an equestrian can reach) (dying in office next year), and his son Lucius Aelius Sejanus (-20 to 31) succeeds as Praetorian prefect (until 31), going on to become the J. Edgar Hoover of Rome, quartering the Praetorian cohorts in one camp in Rome, encouraging the gathering of intel by delatores (informers), then prosecuting political enemies under the lex de maiestate imminuta, turning the Senate into a court trying senators and equestrians he wants to get rid of? Roman gen. Germanicus campaigns against the Chatti tribe E of the Rhine River, then in May defeats the Cherusci (Cheruscans) led by Arminius to the N of them, capturing his wife and recoving one of the standards (eagles) (Lat. "draco" = standard) lost by Varus' legions in Aught Nine; he protects Arminius' wife in his quarters, uttering the soundbyte "They are women and they must be respected, for they will be citizens of Rome soon"; he then visits the site of the Big D in the Teutoburg Forest, allowing his formerly mutinous troops to view dead Roman soldiers, and outwits Big A, who tries another trap on him, causing the Germans to flee back into the forset, after which Germanicus leads his army back to winter quarters on the Rhine River - yah but did you get Augustus' Roman legions back? Valerius Gratus becomes Roman prefect of Judea, then deposes Annas and appoints Ismael, son of Phabi as Jewish high priest. The Tiber River floods its banks. Achaea, Macedonia, and Moesia are combined by Tiberius into a single large imperial province. Taurunum (modern-day Zemun near Belgrade) on an estuary of the Danube River just across the Sava River from Singidunum in Moesia becomes part of Pannonia. Births: Roman breed mare Julia Agrippina Minor (d. 59) on Nov. 6; great-granddaughter of Augustus; niece and adoptive granddaughter of Tiberius; sister of Caligula; wife of Claudius; mother of Nero. Roman emperor #8 (69) Aulus Vitellius (d. 69) in Sept. Deaths: Indian king Vikramaditya (b. -102)?

16 Roman consuls: Sisenna Statilius Taurus and Lucius Scribonius Libo. Germanicus goes on a second campaign against the Cherusci (Cheruscans), erecting a series of frontier forts called the limes before forcing a crossing of the Weser River near modern-day Minden with heavy losses, then defeating Arminius at the Battle of Idistaviso (Minden) (Weser River) where his 55K Romans get even for Teutoburg Forest with a decisive V over 50K Germans, ending Germanicus' 3-year campaign in Germania after the defensive Battle of the Angivarian Wall near the modern-day Westphalian Gap (Porta Westfalica) W of modern-day Hanover, each time inflicting heavy casualties on the Germans with minor Roman losses, after which the Roman fleet is damaged by a storm in the North Sea; too bad, after a few more raids across the Rhine River, during which 2-3 more eagles are recovered, and the Elbe River established as the German frontier, Tiberius recalls him to Rome, claiming that his Vs are too costly against these hairy apes and citing Augustus' will to question his judgment in his independent actions, and the Rhine becomes the boundary again, after which no more Roman armies penetrate into the interior of Germany, making Germanicus the only Roman gen. to cross the Rhine and return successful; the Germans were about to crack when Tiberius intervened? Libo Drusus is accused of treason and commits suicide. Births: Roman goddess Julia Drusilla (d. 38) on Sept. 16 in Abitarvium (modern-day Koblenz), Germany; 2nd daughter and 5th child of Germanicus and Agrippina the Elder; sister of Julia Livilla, Agrippina the Younger, Calicula, Nero, and Drusus; great-granddaughter of Augustus; paternal granddaughter of Antonia Minor; grand-niece of Tiberius; niece of Claudius; aunt of Nero; wife (-38) of Lucius Cassius Longinus, (37-38) Marcus Aemilius Lepidus. Alexandrian Jewish merchant Marcus Julius Alexander (d. 44) in Alexandria; younger brother of Tiberius Julius Alexander; nephew of Philo of Alexandria (-25 to 50); husband (41-44) of Berenice (28-82), daughter of Agrippa I (-11 to 44). Deaths: Roman Praetorian prefect (? to 15) Lucius Seius Strabo (b. -46) in Egypt.

Livy (-59 to 17) Tacfarinas (-24)

17 The 199th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Lucius Pomponius Flaccus and Gaius Caelius Rufus. On May 26 Germanicus receives a triumph in Rome for his German campaigns, becoming the last given to a non-emperor. Former Roman auxiliary soldier Tacfarinas begins a revolt in Africa against Juba II of Mauretania and his co-king son Ptolemy, supported by the Berber Numidian and Mauretanian tribes (ends 24). Julius Caesar Drusus Minor becomes gov. of Illyricum (until 20). Cornelius Calpurnius Piso is appointed viceroy of Syria. Cappadocia and Commagene N of Syria become an imperial province on the death of their kings. Births: Roman empress (nympho) Valeria Messalina (d. 48); daughter of Domitia Lepida (-10 to 54) and Marcus Valerius Messalla Barbatus (-12 to 21); 3rd wife of Claudius (-10 to 54); mother of Britannicus (41-55). Deaths: Roman historian Titus Livius (Livy) (b. -59) in Patavium (exile); dies after spending most of his life in Rome and writing a letter to future emperor Claudius ca. -14 to take up the writing of history; leaves Ab Urbe Condita Libri (Books from the Foundation of the City), a monumental history of Rome in 142 vols., from its founding in 753 B.C.E. through the reign of Augustus, ending with the death of Drusus in 9 B.C.E., written during Augustus' reign, which becomes an instant Roman hit; only vols. 1-10 and 21-45 survive to modern times: "We fear things in proportion to our ignorance of them." Roman poet Ovid (b. -43) Tomi; dies in exile, leaving many works, incl: Amores (5 books) (erotic poems about his babe Corinna); Ars Amatoria (Amandi) ("Art of Love") (3 books); Remedia Amoris ("Love's Remedy") (recantation of Ars Amatoria); Jason and Medea (hit tragedy which is lost); Heroides (Epistulae Heroidum) (21 love letters from mythological heroines to their lovers); Metamorphoses (15 books); Fasti (6 of 12 planned books) (poetic calendar of Roman festivals and their legends): "Treason doth never prosper: what's the reason? Why if it prosper, none dare call it treason."

Pont du Gard, 18 Tiberias, 18

18 Roman consuls: Tiberius Caesar Augustus (3rd time) and Germanicus Caesar. Germanicus shares the consulship with his adoptive father Tiberius, and is given a maius imperium over the Asian terrority E of the Adriatic, with HQ at Antioch, where he comes into rivalry with Syrian gov. (since 17) Gnaeus Calpurnius Piso (-44 to 20) (who is secretly working for Tiberius?), defeating the kingdoms of Cappadocia and Commagene and turning them into Roman provinces; after being told to install a king in Armenia, Germanicus picks Artaxias IIII (-35), crowning him personally; he also picks the first Roman gov. of Cappadocia; his son Caligula ("little soldier's army boots") delivers a speech at Assos - I love my little Ass? Herod I the Great's son Herod Antipas begins building the hot resort city of Tiberias on the W shore of Lake Gennesaret (Sea of Galilee) in Galilee (finished 21); too bad, he builds it on a graveyard, pissing off devout Jews - the only way out of the Jewish underworld is to go back in, starring Jet Li? Joseph Caiaphas, wealthy son-in-law of Annas (both members of the Sadducee sect), and personal friend of Pontius Pilate is appointed Jewish high priest in Jerusalem by Judean gov. Valerius Gratus (until 37). The Rebellion of Chimei (Red Eyebrows), led by Liu Xuan (d. 25) begins (ends 27) as the Red Eyebrows rebel band of vagrants raises Hell. Architecture: The 160-ft.-high 800-ft.-long 3-tier stone Pont du Gard aqueduct in Gaul near Nemausus (Nimes), France is built by Roman gov. Agrippa, spanning the Gard River and conducting the waters of the Eure and Airon Rivers to Nimes. Deaths: Roman jurist Marcus Antistius Labeo (b. -50); leaves Libri Posteriores, Libri ad Edictum, and Probabilium (8 vols.).

19 Roman consuls: Marcus Junius Silanus Torquatus and Lucius Norbanus Balbus. I'm on my own out here, I can see that? Tiberius' heir designate Germanicus goes to Egypt and parades around as if he were already emperor, unwittingly usurping imperial prerogatives, then returns to Syria at the end of summer and fires Piso (exceeding his authority?), who leaves Syria but waits in an island off the coast, plotting with Tiberius to get rid of the uppity bum; Germanicus (b. -16) is then poisoned (figs or wine?) and dies in Antioch on Oct. 10, leaving widow Agrippina Major, around whom Tiberius' enemies rally, causing him to get jealous and plot against her; Germanicus is the about same age as Alexander the Great when he died, and is given the same hype, with Tiberius now being viewed as a tyrant, which he now is forced to become with his mafia chief Sejanus (until 31); as an attempted crowd pleaser, the pesky Jews are banned from Rome. Tiberius' granddather Julia Drusi Caesaris Filia (b. 5) (daughter of Julius Caesar Drusus and Livilla) marries her cousin Nero Julius Caesar Germanicus (6-31) (son of Germanicius and Agrippina the Elder); too bad, they don't like each other, and she begins passing his secrets to her mother Livilla (Claudia Livia Julia) to pass on to her lover, palace guard Sejanus. The Roman Senate issues decrees against the profligacy of hos, er, women, er, unmarried women. Architecture: Tiberius restores the 495 B.C.E. Temple of Castor and Pollux in the Forum; Castor (Gk. "beaver") and Pollux (Gk. "crown"), the heavenly Gemini twins are the patron gods of seafarers, appearing to them in St. Elmo's fire. Druses and Germanicus Arches are erected in the Forum of Augustus to Drusus and Germanicus. Births: Roman almost-emperor Tiberius Julius Caesar Nero (AKA Gemellus) (Lat. "twin") (d. 38); son of Tiberius' son Drusus Caesar; his twin brother dies in infancy.

20 Roman consuls: Marcus Valerius Messala and Marcus Aurelius Cotta. After travelling to Brundisium to wait for them, Agrippina Major brings the ashes of her husband Germanicus to Rome, with little Bootsy tagging along and cutely saluting? - Jackie and little John John? Julius Caesar Drusus Minor (-13 to 23), Tiberius' only son by 1st wife Vipsania Agrippina becomes his new designated heir, and celebrates a triumph in Rome. Gnaeus Calpurnius Piso (b. -44) attempts to regain control of Syria, causing him to be accused of treason and of poisoning Germanicus, and to avoid a public trial in the Roman Senate he commits suicide (murdered by order of Tiberius?); dark years of intrigue for Tiberius' succession begin. King Juba II of Mauretania discovers the Canary Islands, naming them for their ferocious dogs (Lat. "canis" = dogs"). Births: Roman gen. Lucius Caesennius Paetus (Jr.) (d. 72); son of Publius Caesennius Paetus Sr. (b. -5); paternal grandson of Caesennius (b. -40); great-grandson of Lucius Caesennius Lento. Deaths: Roman grammarian Marcus Verrius Flaccus (b. -55); leaves De Verborum Significatu, one of the earliest Latin dictionaries, which is incl. in the compilation De Significatione Verborum by 2nd cent. C.E. grammarian Sextus Pompeius Festus of Gaul; he also leaves Argonautica, an epic poem on the Argonauts based on the poem by Apollonius Rhodius. Roman gen. Gnaeus Calpurnius Piso (b. -44) (suicide or murder?).

21 The 200th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Tiberius Caesar Augustus and Julius Caesar Drusus Minor. A Mini Warm Spell (ends 50) begins, allowing grapes to be grown in N Britain. Tiberius goes to Campania; meanwhile Tiberius and his son Drusus Minor become consuls, making Tiberius nervous. An unsuccessful revolt against Rome breaks out in Gaul among the debt-ridden Treveri Celts around Augusta Treverorum on the Moselle River, led by Julius Florus, and the Aedui (Hedui) (living in NE France between the Liger and Rhone, around Bibracte), led by Julius Sacrovir. The Odrysae tribe in the Rhodope region of Thrace rebels from Rome - this one's for Spartacus? The new city of Tiberias on the W shore of the Sea of Galilee (Lake Gennesaret) is finished, replacing Sepphoris (to the WSW) as the capital of Galilee and Perea. Architecture: The Castra Praetoria, the main barracks and prison for the Praetorian Guard in Rome is begun (finished 22). Deaths: German Roman-butt-kicker Arminius (b. -17); killed by his own kinsmen in a feud; a colossal Statue of Arminius is build in 1839-75 C.E. near the spot where he kicked Varus' can in Aught Nine. Roman sen. and Syrian census-taking gov. Publius Sulpicius Quirinius.

22 Roman consuls: Decimus Haterius Agrippa and Gaius Sulpicius Galba. Tiberius' son Drusus Younger is given tribunician power, which is usually reserved for the emperor his immediate successor, making Tiberius more nervous. Members of the Han royal house in China join the Red Eyebrows rebels. Architecture: The Basilica Aemilia in the Roman Forum (founded -179) is rebuilt. The Castra Praetoria (begun 21) is completed. Deaths: Roman jurist Gaius Ateius Capito (b. -30).

Ptolemy of Mauretania (-13 to 40)

23 Roman consuls: Gaius Asinius Pollio and Gaius Antistius Vetus. Tiberius' son and heir designate Drusus Minor (b. -13) is poisoned by his wife Livilla and her lover Sejanus, probably in order to clear the way for his own succession, covering it up so well that it is attributed to heavy drinking; Germanicus' son (by Agrippina the Elder) Nero Julius Caesar Germanicus (6-30) becomes Tiberius' oldest adoptive grandson and is groomed as Tiberius' heir. In Oct. a large peasant army attacks Wang Mang's capital of Chang'an (Changan), causing him and his 1K courtiers to fight to the last man, after which the imperial palace is sacked. Juba II dies, and his son Ptolemy of Mauretania (-13 to 40) becomes the last Roman client king of Mauretania. Births: Roman historian-natural philosopher Pliny the Elder (Major) (Gaius Plinius Secundus) (d. 79) in Novum Comum (modern-day Como, Italy); uncle of Pliny the Younger (Minor) (62-113). Deaths: Mauretanian king (-26 to 23) Juba II (b. -52). Chinese Xin emperor #1 (9-23) Wang Mang (b. -45) on Oct. 6. Roman noble Nero Claudius Drusus Minor (b. -13) on Sept. 14. Roman consul Gnaeius Pompeius Strabo (b. ?).

24 - The Tony Curtisus Year in Rome?

Tony Curtisius (-24) Strabo (-63 to 24)

24 Roman consuls: Servius Cornelius Cethegus and Lucius Visellius Varro. Silius and Silvanus are tried, and commit suicide. Tacfarinas is defeated and KIA, ending the Berber revolt (begun -17) at considerable loss of Roman troops. A slave revolt in S Italy under 24-y.-o. Tony Curtis, er, Titus Curtisius (b. ?) is crushed. Deaths: Greek geographer-historian Strabo (b. -63); leaves History (47 vols.) (lost), and Geography (17 vols). Roman gen. Germanicus (b. -16) on Oct. 19 in Antioch (poisoned); leaves a Latin trans. of Aratus' astrological work Phainomena.

Aulus Cremutius Cordus (-25) Chinese Emperor Guangwu (-5 to 57)

25 The 201st Olympiad. Roman consuls: Cossus Cornelius Lentulus and Marcus Asinius Agrippa. Tiberius refuses Sejanus' request to marry Livilla. Roman historian Aulus Cremutius Cordus is accused of treason and commits suicide by starving himself to death. Liu Xuan dies, and Green Woodsmen rebel prince Liu Xiu of Huaiyang goes on to defeat the peasant Chimei (Red Eyebrows) army by 27, reunifying China and becoming Guangwu (Guang Wudi) (Chin. "military restorer") (-5 to 57), emperor #1 of the Dong (Later or Eastern) Han Dynasty; he goes on to institute some land and other reforms to correct the problems that caused the old Xi (Western) Han Dynasty to disintegrate, giving the Han Dynasty another 200-year lease of life; Buddhism is introduced to China, and mild state policies allow the economy to recover; the Yin School of Taoism produces bestselling works, incl. Yu Fang Mi Chueh (Secret Codes of the Jade Room), claiming to be able to visualize a woman's private parts from her facial features - the nose corresponds to what? Nonfiction: The Assumption (Testament) of Moses is written by a Jewish Pharisee. Births: Roman poet Caius Silius Italicus (d. 101).

26 - The It's Time to Play Family Feud, or, I Can't Get No Satisfaction, or, You're Not Getting Off That Easy Year? Eager-to-please Pilate takes over the homeland of the stiff-necked Jews?

26 Roman consuls: Gnaeus Cornelius Lentulus Gaetulicus and Gaius Calvisius Sabinus. Tiberius appoints young military cmdr. (under 30) Pontius Pilate (from the Samnite tribe of the Pontii in S Italy) (from Fortingall, Glen Lyon, Hibernia, i.e., Scotland?) as Roman prefect of Judea (ends 36), where he and his wife live in the port city of Caesarea; he commands five infantry cohorts of 500-1K men each as well as 500 cavalry; his attempt to introduce standards bearing the image of the Roman emperor into Jerusalem is met with fanatical resistance, with outraged Jews rushing to Caesarea to complain; on the 6th day he orders his soldiers to surround the protesters and threaten death if they don't disperse, but when they stand their ground, he relents and orders the offensive images removed; he soon begins work on a new aqueduct for Jerusalem using "corban" (funds from the temple treasury), causing thousands of Jews to protest even though the temple authorities approve it?; this time he has his troops use clubs on the mob, which works, and only a few are killed; Luke 13:1 later says he mixed the blood of Galileans with their sacrifices? Tiberius retires to the island of Capri (Capreae) on the Bay of Naples, and never returns to Rome, enjoying the debauched life of a god on Earth who gets everything he wants whether he needs it or not while everybody else can go to hell, enjoying the Faraglioni, and men too, kept for rock hard fun?; meanwhile Praetorian prefect Sejanus is left in charge as de facto ruler of the empire, which goes to his head, causing him to plot to become the real emperor and proving his undoing?; before retirement Tiberius had restrained spending on luxuries to build up a reserve fund for the empire, and rejected the title of god as well as many other honorary titles, deflecting emperor worship to Augustus? - try burying it up my what? The Thracian tribes S of the Balkans revolt against military service; Gaeus Poppaeus Sabinus (-35) is given a trimphal insignia for crushing the revolt of these budding Spartacuses.

27 Roman consuls: Marcus Licinius Crassus Frugi and Lucius Calpurnius Piso. There is another fire in firetrap Rome. The shoddily-built wooden Stadium of Fidenae collapses, killing 20K of 50K spectators, causing the Roman Senate to ban people worth less than 400K sesterces from hosting gladiator contests, and requiring new amphitheaters to be inspected and certified; builder Atilius is banished. Livia's birthday officially begins to be celebrated by the fratres arvales. Births: Jewish Herodian king #7 (last of the Herodians) Marcus Julius "Herod" Agrippa II (d. 100); son of Marcus Julius Agrippa I (-11 to 44) and Cypros; great-grandson of Herod I the Great (-74 to -4/-1); brother of Berenice (28-82), Drusilla (28-) (2nd wife of Antonius Felix), and Mariamne (34-); friend of Titus and Josephus, whom the latter claims helps verify the accuracy of his Jewish histories. Chinese fatalist Taoist (Daoist) philosopher Wang Chong (d. 100) in Juiji.

28 Roman consuls: Gaius Appius Junius Silanus and Publius Silius Nerva. The tall blonde Germanic Frisians (Frisii) (in the coastal areas of modern-day Friesland, Groningen, East Frisia, and North Frisia) make a treaty with the Romans at the Rhine River to avoid conquest (until 44). Lucius Apronius Caesianus campaigns in Germany. Births: Chinese Dong Han emperor #2 (57-75) Ming Di (Yang Liu) (d. 75); 2nd son of Guangwu (-5 to 57) and empress Yin Lihua (5-64). Jewish Roman Herodian client queen ("miniature Cleopatra") Julia Bernice (Bernice) of Cilicia) (d. 82); daughter of Herod Agrippa I (-11 to 44); sister of Herod Agrippa II (27-100); wife (41-44) of Marcus Julius Alexander (16-44).

Livia Drusilla (-58 to 29)

29 The 202nd Olympiad. Roman consuls: Lucius Rubellius Geminus and Gaius Fufius Geminus. On Mar. 25 (under the consulship of the two Gemini) Jesus Christ is crucified, according to Tertullian (160-230) in Adversus Judaeos, Ch. 8; he confused the start of his 3-year ministry with the end? In spring (15th year of the reign of Tiberius Caesar) (Luke 3:1-3) the ministry of (St.) John the Baptist (Baptiser) (-4 to 31) begins in the wilderness of Jordan (Matt. 3:1-12; Mark 1:1-8, Luke 3:1-18, John 1:6-28), and in the fall Jesus (Jehoshua) of Nazareth (-2 to 33) is baptized by him in the Jordan River, making him Jesus Christ (Gr. "anointed"), and launching his ministry as the Jewish Messiah (Heb. "anointed") (Matt. 3:13-17, Mark 1:9-11, Luke 3:21-38, John 1:32-34); Jesus goes solo into the Judean wilderness to fast and resist the temptations of Satan, who owns all world govts. (Matt. 4:1-11, Mark 1:12-13, Luke 4:1-13), then makes his first disciples in the Upper Jordan Valley (John 1:35-51); meanwhie John testifies concerning Jesus in Bethany beyond Jordan (John 1:15; 29-34); Jesus performs his first miracle (turns water into wine) at a Wedding Feast in Cana of Galilee (his own?), then visits Capernaum (John 2:1-12). On Nov. 24 there is a solar eclipse over Asia Minor. After the shenanigans of Sejanus, Germanicus' widow Agrippina the Elder (Major) (-14 to 33) is accused of treason and banished to the island of Pandataria (Ventotene) off the coast of Campania (same place that Augustus banished his daughter Julia Major in -2); likewise her two eldest sons Nero Caesar (6-30) and Drusus III (d. 33) are accused of treason and exiled on the island of Pontia (modern-day Ponza) (W of Pandataria); she loses an eye from the blow of a centurion. A coin dating from this year is dug up near the ancient city of Magdala (traditional home of Mary Magdalene) by the Israeli Antiquities Authority in 2006. Deaths: Roman snakelike Claudian House grandmum Livia Drusilla (b. -58); her son Tiberius, accusing her of everything but the weather refuses to attend her funeral.

The Morning Star, Evening Star Decade? The darkest decade in history, or the brightest, depending on whom you talk to? The most fiction ever packed into history, or the most fact, which all the history books ever written are too small to contain?

Jesus Christ, Superstar (-2 to 33) John the Baptist, with head (-4 to 31) John the Baptist's Head (-4 to 31)

30-40 Sorry, historyscopers, but? --it happens in the Roman province of Judea; nobody knows for sure, and it depends on whom you want to believe; a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma, the greatest coverup in history; the Great Track of Time enters not only a Dark Alley but a Black Hole, becoming an endless source of powerful fiction claiming to be fact, with the dividing line very hazy until centuries later - oh my gosh, I smell an Emmy? While visiting the Jewish Temple in Jerusalem, Jesus made a point of attacking the moneychangers (Mt. 21:12, Mk. 11:15, John 2:14-15), I wonder why?

Way back when, nobody knows, a bunch of Roman pagans got infected with monotheism, and the most bookish kind, Judaism, and despite the Jews claiming to be the Chosen People, with pagans not invited, they managed to morph exclusivist Judaism into a new one-size-fits-all version by literally twisting the Jewish Bible inside out and claiming to discover that it was there all along, but needed a prophet to reveal it to them, whose life only they can tell us about, since nobody but believers documented it, a strange wonderful brew of historical facts and unverifiable miracles.

The net result was a new religion called Christinsanity, er, Christianity, whose Aramaic-speaking Jewish founder Jesus Christ (-4 to 33) left no writings, works of art, statues, buildings, swords, armor, bling, portraits, descendants, or even newspaper accounts, worse, no body, because he was allegedly resurrected from the dead by God on Easter, visiting his believers for 40 days before being translated to Heaven, and now sits at God's right hand waiting to return and judge the world and everybody who ever lived, leaving it to his 12 Apostles to spread the word that he wasn't just a man but the Son of God, whatever that means, most followers apparently taking him for God himself, despite the intractable philosophical difficulties that rocked the Church for centuries.

Okay, he is God, who loved the world so much he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him won't perish but have eternal life (John 3:16), that is, as a man Jesus came to try to tell people that one day God will end the world, and that as God he himself judge everybody who ever lived, giving them either eternal death slash punishment, or eternal life slash joy, based on whether they ever sinned. Of course, everybody Jesus met already was covered in sin and deserved eternal death, but he promised them that if they truly repented their sins, died to the world and its sins and got born again as a child of God, then got baptized to symbolize their transformation, and sinned no more, when the Day of Judgment came he would suspend their sentence for their prior sins and admit them to eternal life, else he wouldn't, case closed, next case (1 John Ch. 3). As he went preaching, his number one message was sin no more, sin no more, read my lips, sin no more (John 5:14, 8:11).

So the original message was very direct and simple: repent your sins, and sin no more, and run the good race hoping for the crown of eternal life, no matter how much the Devil tempts you to sin or the world persecutes you, lions in the arena, no problemo. Oh yes, you get sent the Holy Spirit or Holy Ghost, which will put a shield around you so that the Devil can never make you sin, only tempt you, yes, you can go your while life without lying, coveting, committing adultery even with the eyes, and following after other gods, every possible sin worthy of death is covered in the Ten Commandments, one part of the Bible that's pure legalese and easy to translate. But you'll have to give up the world and its lures, because one day God will burn up the world and all its works (2 Peter 3:10), including history itself, and create a new heavens and a new earth, where only the worthy may reside (Is. 65:17).

To become a Christian ("little Christ") and live with Christ forever in his Kingdom of Heaven, believers must take everything about him on faith, which is good since they don't have to learn Aramaic or any history other than that in the Hebrew-Aramaic Old Testament and the Greek New Testament, consisting of the Four Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) and the Acts of the Apostles, and no theology other than that in the Epistles of Paul, Epistles of Peter, Epistle of James, Epistle of Jude, and Epistles of John, or any eschatology other than that in the Book of Revelation (Apocalypse), then undergo Baptism, never mind if it's totally incomprehensible. According to the New Testament, there's no need to study theology and wow Judge Christ by passing a final exam, because all you need to do is sincerely repent your sins (as defined by the Ten Commandments) and quit sinning, keep it simple stupid. But it's also bad, since it's all too easy to take Christ as a fable that was created just to support a fat and wealthy clergy class, it's doesn't take a Karl Marx. In practice, there were soon many backsliders who fell away and went back to a life of sin, and apostates who denied their faith under persecution, and the Bible was quick to tell them that if they blasphemed the Holy Spirit that was sent them when they got baptized and which protected them so that the Devil could never make them sin, and began sinning again, making them into children of the Devil, there would be no chance for a second repentance, because that would be to ask Christ to be crucified a second time, putting him to "open shame" (Mk. 3:29, Heb. 6:4-6).

This all pushed believers' hot buttons in the first century, the second century, even the third, but eventually the church developed a hierarchy, and the bishops at the top got to thinking that maybe Christ would never come back to judge the world because he was indeed a beautiful fable just designed to give them a good living off the baptized suckers, and began modifying the original formula into what's been common ever since, namely, the Devil's Religion: just join the church, let it save and baptize you, then keep paying it tithes, and you can go on sinning all your life because you are "saved" and have a pass. Of course, the Devil wants all his worshipers to believe they are saved FROM the Last Day and the Judgment Seat, and get instant transportation straight to paradise, and if you're aren't ready yet to worship him in all his evil Satanic glory, he can easily appear as an angel of light to make you feel good about it (2 Cor. 11:14), ask Muhammad and Joseph Smith, or any pope.

Sorry, but the whole point of the New Testament was to show that Christ came the first time as a savior, but will come a second time as a judge, and his forgiveness is dependent on conditions, namely, repent of your sins and sin no more, it's like a bankruptcy that gives you a clean start, you can only do it once, what do you think the judge has on his forehead, the word Dumbass. If it's not a fable then you have a summons and court date, and when you face Judge Christ naked and alone clothed with sin, sorry, he already walked a mile in your shoes and lived a far more difficult life without sinning, so he will tell you to go with your father the Devil to the Lake of Fire, where you will suffer eternally in the knowledge of being cut off from God forever. Your precious world you sold out to is burned up, there isn't even any air to breathe or ground to walk on, much less pot to piss in, and Christ's court is the ultimate Supreme Court, because he is God himself, and it'll all be done in the twinkling of an eye and there is no appeal and instant satisfaction of judgment by his bailiffs the angels, it's a Roman type court where the judge is prosecutor and defense attorney at the same time, you get perfect due process, fuck the ACLU it went to you know where.

That's the beautiful story, fable or fact, we can't know until the Last Day, if there is one. The reality of the Roman Catholic Church, of course, as we shall see, was that it was taken over by the Devil, who twisted it all to the nth degree, making the bishop of Rome the pope, who has the keys of Heaven and Hell in his hands, and can alone save you as long as you kiss his hand and other body parts, voila, the Church of the Devil that has attempted to rule the world forever. To make up for the fact that you never stop sinning, they developed the Mass where Christ is crucified for you fresh, and you eat his body and drink his blood to order like a fast food meal. One of the first big signs of its corruption was their readmittance of apostates after each persecution ended, apostates who pay their tithes that is, that's why they call it the Catholic Church, Catholic means everybody is in, as well as all their sins, they're all in, along with all their filthy lucre, bwahaha, the Devil is insuring that when the real Day of Judgment arrives nobody will be saved because Christ will decide they're all his children not sons of God. Of course the Church bet on Christ never coming back, and it's been 20 centuries, no wonder it is the richest and most corrupt outfit in the world, thanks for the memories. As for the Protestants, they started by breaking off from the Church when its corruption went over the top, but they all kept the Devil's religion of claiming their churches save people, and/or that they can go on sinning and remain saved as long as they pay their tithes, in other words, they serve Mammon rather than God and are all sellouts (Mt. 6:24). The Bible says you can be born again, but it doesn't allow you to go around saying you've been saved, since only at the Last Day will Judge Christ decide that, thus by going around claiming you're saved you're sinning by lying and taking the Lord's name in vain, and insuring you won't be, pass the popcorn.

Speaking of persecution, from the start the Jewish priests hated this blasphemous Jewish sect, which according to the Gospels made them plot to get Jesus (but stangely not his disciples) arrested and crucified by the Romans for sedition, and the tolerant polytheist pagan Romans finally had enough of them too when they refused to worship the Roman emperor as a god like every other good citizen, labeling them as atheists and traitors, and forcing the cult underground, where they mainly recruited slaves but eventually penetrated the upper classes. The spectacle of Christians being fed to wild beasts in the arena while filled with joy at the prospect of being with Christ was a powerful recruiting tool, ask Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow why he paints John 3:16 on his face. Too bad, the early personalities and their organization are shrouded in mystery, leaving us mainly with the New Testament, and the takeover of the Roman Empire in the 4th cent. by the monomaniacal intolerant Roman Catholic Church gave them the opportunity to destroy, alter, or manufacture historical records, so it's one of the greatest coverups in history and we can only hope for glimmers of light and cast theories about what really happened, sorry.

Talk about coverup, the disturbing parallels between Christianity and pagan Sun worship make many suspect that Christ was a fictional figure pasted together by brainy Jews based in some library in Alexandria or Babylon out of twisted Old Testament texts foretelling the Jewish Messiah, who was supposed to conquer the world and make everybody love Jews, but obviously hasn't shown up yet, unless it was him, get it? Why would Jews conspire to foist a fictional religious founder on the pagan Roman Empire? Answer: Jews don't get mad, they get even, and this time it was for destroying Jerusalem along with its Temple and priesthood in 70 C.E. and causing the Jewish Diaspora. If that was their goal, they achieved it in spades, turning the mean cruel blood-loving superior united pagan Romans into guilt-ridden ever-schisming ever-backsliding Bible-thumping Christian whimps who were easy meat for the hordes of barbarians, tanking the once all-powerful Roman Empire in 476, and giving the wandering Jews a chance to return and restore the Jewish nation of Israel based in Jerusalem, complete with Temple and priesthood, maybe king, ask Mel Gibson about it when you catch him drunk.

Too bad, it's hard to imagine how these fiction authors could palm their writings off and get enough believers to fill a donkey cart, unless they posed as believers and made a career of it, risking persecution, which doesn't compute. Also too bad, there seems to have been a community of Christians before the writings even came out. Also too bad, by 476 the Roman Empire had split into two halves, and the Eastern Roman Empire that controlled Israel stood strong, keeping the Jews out like always. Also too bad, despite displaying a deep knowledge of the Old Testament, the New Testament doesn't read like it was written by Jews, treating them as an alien race who brought their troubles on themselves by rejecting you know who, although he was also a Jew and Christians must worship him as their Savior, what pretzel logic. No surprise, belief in Jesus Christ and respect for the Jewish Old Testament like he had didn't make former pagan Roman Christians automatically love Jews, but backfired, turning many into rabid anti-Semites, some even claiming to be the real "spiritual Jews", with the Roman Catholic and Greek Orthodox Churches both worked to keep the Jews from returning to Israel unless/until they accepted Christ, guess why the Muslim Quran displays a deep knowledge of the Old Testament and Talmud, the pretzel the pretzel the pretzel is twisty, and Christians are the salt of the Earth.

Either way, the Old Testament started it all, and the Jewish Messiah's Mission: Impossible isn't done yet, which Christians explain away as the need for the Jews to finally accept Christ before he returns to judge the world, although in the Jews' thinking that would make them into blasphemers who would face damnation by God. Yet now after 2K years, if Jesus wasn't the Messiah, why do Jews still believe in one, those stiff-necked losers? After the WWII Holocaust, why do any Jews still believe in God anyway, it was mainly atheist Jews who restored the state of Israel in 1948 after chucking the Old Testament? And after 2K years of Christ never returning as promised, how can a Christian still believe in this deadbeat dad, the umpteenth recycling of the Book of Revelation and photos of the Shroud of Turin? Oh yes, they talk to Him all the time, and that's all they need.

On top of all that, Christendom schismed a thousand ways to Sunday over the centuries, and got convolved with the government and its police and military power, getting mixed up with injustices and atrocities that stunk it up, maybe one of the sects is the true one, if Christ returns he'll tell us. The bottom line is that it takes a big brain just to attempt to straighten it all out.

Philo Judaeus (-25 to 50)

30 Roman consuls: Marcus Vinicius and Lucius Cassius Longinus. On Apr. 7 (Fri.) Jesus Christ is crucified in Jerusalem, according to La. State U. astronomer Bradley E. Schaefer. After he introduces measures to increase Tiberius' power in an effort to shame him, Roman senator Gaius (Caius) Asinius Gallus Salonius (d. 33) (who got to marry his love babe Vipsania Agrippina in -11, for which he never forgave him?) is arrested by order of Tiberius for alleged adultery with Germanicus' widow Agrippina Major (who is conveniently not around to talk), after which his name is erased from public monuments and he is starved to death. Shammai the Elder founds a Torah school which often disagrees with Hillel's. Philip the Tetrarch marries his niece Salome (fresh from the John the Baptist boondoggle?); they go childless. This is how life should be? Jesus goes to Jerusalem for the Passover celebration, and drives the money changers (traders) from the Temple (John 2:13-25), then has discussions with Nicodemus (John 3:1-21); Jesus and his disciples begin baptizing in Judea, while John is baptizing in Aenon near Salim, telling his followers how spiff Jesus is (he's from the earth, Jesus is from heaven, etc.) (John 3:22-36); John is imprisoned in Tiberias, and Jesus splits for Galilee (Matt. 4:12; 14:3-5; Mark 1:14; 6:17-20; Luke 4:14), teaching Samaritans at Sychar en route (John 4:4-43); at Galilee he announces, "The kingdom of the heavens has drawn near" (Matt. 4:17; Mark 1:14-15; Luke 4:14-15; John 4:44-45), then heals a boy at Nazareth, reads his commission at Cana, is rejected and goes to Capernaum (Matt. 4:13-16; Luke 4:16-31; John 4:46-54), where he recruits fishermen Simon Peter, AKA St. Peter (-1 to 67), James and John near Capernaum at the Sea of Galilee (Matt. 4:18-22; Mark 1:16-20; Luke 5:1-11); he then heals a demoniac, Peter's mother-in-law, et al. in Capernaum (Matt. 8:14-17, Mark 1:21-34; Luke 4:31-41), then makes his first tour of Galilee with his four disciples (Matt. 4:23-25; Mark 1:35-39; Luke 4:42-43), heals a leper in the light in Galilee, causing multitudes to flock to him (Matt. 8:1-4; Mark 1:40-45; Luke 5:12-16), then heals a paralytic at Capernaum (Matt. 9:1-8; Mark 2:1-12; Luke 5:17-26), recruits Matthew and feasts with tax collectors (Matt. 9:9-1; Mark 2:13-22; Luke 5:27-39; 4:44); he goes to Judea and preaches in the synagogues (Luke 4:44). I doubled the points, so I guess I'm going to have to triple them now? After at least a year of activity, John the Baptist (b. -4) is arrested for preaching against the adulterous marriage of Herod Antipas to his brother Philip's wife Herodias (Mark 6:17-20, Luke 3:19-20), and is imprisoned in the fortress of Machaerus on the border between Perea and Nabatea. Pontius Pilate issues a bronze coin that some believe is the "widow's mite" mentioned in the New Testament (Mark 12:41-44). Nonfiction: Philo Judaeus (-25 to 50), The Creation of the World; On Ascetics. Births: British Celtic tall long-red-haired neckazon (always wearing a golden torc, a multi-colored tunic, and a thick cloak fastened by a brooch) Boudicca (Boudica) (Boadicea) (Gael. "bouda" = victory) (d. 62) (pr. bow-DEE-kah) in Britain. Roman empress consort (62-5) Poppaea Sabina (the Younger) (d. 65) in Pompeii; daughter of Poppaea Sabina the Elder; 2nd wife of Nero. Roman gen. Marcus Ulpius Traianus (Traijanus) (d. 99); father of Trajan (53-17). Deaths: Jewish scholar Shammai (b. -50). Roman noble Nero Caesar (b. 6) on Ponza (suicide or starvation?).

31 - The Sermon on the Mount Salome See Mad Jane Run Year in Rome?

Salome (14-71) Salome (14-71) Salome (14-71)

31 Roman consuls: Tiberius Caesar Augustus (5th time) and Lucius Aelius Sejanus. In the spring Jesus Christ is crucified, according to St. Maximus the Confessor (580-662), Cassiodorus Senator (479-585), and Eusebius Pamphili of Caesarea (263-339). On Oct. 18 after Praetorian prefect Lucius Aelius Sejanus (b. -23) becomes a senator and top dog in Rome, then gets too uppity and conspires unsuccessfully to eliminate heir apparent Caligula, causing Tiberius to get fed up with him and engineer his arrest, he is executed, beginning a bloody 2-year purge all over the Roman Empire; Quintus Naevius Cordus Sutorius Macro (-21 to 38) becomes Praetorian prefect (until 38); the fact that Pilate was an apointee of Sejanus and fearful of being purged if anybody reports anything about him to Rome explains why he can be cowed by the Jewish mob into killing Christ? The sales tax is increased back to the Augustan level. Busy Jesus Christ attends the Passover feast in Jerusalem (John 5:1-47), heals a man and rebukes the pesky Pharisees, plucks ears of grain on the Sabbath on his way back to Galilee (Matt. 12:9-21, Mk. 3:1-12, Luke 6:5-11), choses his 12 apostles on a mountain near Capernaum (Mark 3:13-19, Luke 6:12-16), give the Sermon on the Mount near Capernaum (Mt. 5:1-7:29, Luke 6:17-49), heals the servant of a Roman army officer (Mt. 8:5-13, Luke 7:1-10), raises the son of a widow in Nain (Luke 7:11-17), and meets with disciples sent by John the Baptist from prison (Matt. 11:2-19, Luke 7:18-35); in Galilee his feet are anointed by women (Luke 7:36-50), after which he goes on his 2nd preaching tour of Galilee with the Twelve Luke 8:1-3), healing a demoniac in league with Beelzebub (Matt. 12:22-37, Mk. 3:19-30), after which the scribes and Pharisees come to him seeking a sign (Matt. 12:38-45); he then stops a windstorm while crossing the Sea of Galilee (Matt. 8:18, 23-27, Mk. 4:35-41, Luke 8:22-25), heals more demoniacs in Gadara SEA of the Sea of Galilee (Matt. 8:28-34, Mk. 5:1-20, Luke 8:26-39), and raises the daughter of Jaurus from the dead near Capernaum (Matt. 9:18-26, Mk. 5:21-42, Luke 8:40-56); not done yet, he heals two blind men and a mute (Matt. 9:27-34), returns to Nazareth only to be rejected (Matt. 13:54-58, Mk. 6:1-6), then makes his 3rd tour of Galilee, sending out apostles on the side (Matt. 9:35-11:1, Mk. 6:6-13, Luke 9:1-6); meanwhile in prison John the Baptist (b. -4) hears about the miracles of his greatest baptisee, check-into-cash Jesus, and sends two disciples to ask him "Are you the Coming One, or are we to expect another?" (Mt. 11:2-6; Luke 7:18-23); Jesus wows them with more miracles, and returns the favor by calling John the prophet predicted in Malachi 3:1 and 4:5-6 (Mt. 11:7-10; Luke 1:67,76; 7:24-27), but lets a little air out of him by saying "a person that is a lesser one in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he is" (Mt. 11:11-15; 17:10-13; Luke 7:28-30); John is executed by Herod Antipas after his wife Herodias' daughter Salome (14-71) does an exotic dance at his birthday party and gets to name a gift, and she asks for John the Baptist's head on a platter (Mt. 14:1-12; Mark 6:21-29); Herod Antipas then hears about Jesus and freaks, thinking he's John the Baptist raised from the dead (Mt. 14:1-2; Mark 6:14-16; Luke 9:7-9). Deaths: Roman historian Marcus Velleius Paterculus (b. 19); leaves Compendium of Roman History (2 vols.), covering from the Siege of Troy to the death of Livia in 29 C.E., incl. the destruction of Carthage in -146, and the period from the death of Julius Caesar in -44 to the death of Augustus in 14; incl. a Dissertation on Intellectual Clustering; “Although I often seek explanations for why similar minds cluster in one period and focus on the same pursuit with similar success, I never find any I am sure are true, but only those that seem probable, especially the following. Emulation fosters genius; and then envy, then admiration which motivates imitation. By nature, whatever is sought with the utmost passion advances to the greatest degree. It is difficult to continue from there to perfection; naturally,what cannot proceed recedes." Roman Praetorian prefect (15-31) Sejanus (b. -20) on Oct. 18 in Rome (executed). Roman breed mare Livia Julia (b. -13) (starved?). Jewish prophet John the Baptist (b. -4) (beheaded). Roman failed emperor (Agrippina Major's son) Nero Julius Caesar Germanicus (b. 6) in Ponza (starved).

32 Roman consuls: Gnaeus Domitius Ahenobarbus and Lucius Arruntius Camillus Scribonianus. There is a gen. terror in Rome, causing price riots; mass treason trials of Sejanus' supporters are held. Jesus Christ is really revved up now, and after his apostles return from their preaching tour around Passover he miraculously feeds 5K near the Sea of Galilee (Matt. 14:13-21, Mk. 6:30-44, Luke 9:10-17, John 6:1-13), refuses an attempt to crown him, walks on the sea, cures many (Matt. 14:22-36, Mk. 6:45-56, John 6:14-21), then steps on it by seeming to preach holy cannibalism ("bread of life", etc.), causing many to abandon him (John 6:22-71); he then heads to the coast, visiting Tyre, Sidon and Decapolis, where he feeds another 4K (Matt. 15:21-38, Mk. 7:24-8:9), deals with more pesky Sadduccees and Pharisees at Magadan (Matt. 15:39-16:4, Mt. 8:10-12), warns against the "leaven of the Pharisees" (Matt. 16:5-12, Mk. 8:13-26), foretells his own death and resurrection at Caesarea Philippi (Matt. 16:13-28, Mk. 8:27-9:1, Luke 9:18-27), transfigures before Peter, James and John on Mt. Hermon (Matt. 17:1-13, Mk. 9:2-13, Luke 9:28-36), heals another demoniac in Caesarea Philippi after giving his disciples a crack (Matt. 17:14-20, Mk. 9:14-29, Luke 9:37-43), foretells his death and resurrection again in Galilee (Matt. 17:22-23, Mk. 9:30-32, Luke 9:43-45), miraculously produces money for taxes (Matt. 17:24-27) and straightens his disciples out about who will be the greatest in his kingdom (Matt. 18:1-35, Mk. 9:33-50, Luke 9:46-50), then heads for Jerusalem for the Festival of Booths (Matt. 8:19-22, Luke 9:51-62, John 7:2-10), but avoids public preaching, returning to Judea and sending the Seventy to preach (Luke 10:1-24); he then visits the home of Martha in Bethany (Luke 10:25-42), denounces the hypocrisy of the Pharisees (Luke 11:37-54), heals a crippled woman on the Sabbath (Luke 13:1-21), and returns to Jerusalem for the Festival of Dedication (John 10:1-39). Births: Roman emperor (69) Marcus Salvius Otho (Nero) (d. 69) on Apr. 25; member of ancient noble Etruscan family that settled in Ferntinum (modern-day Ferento, near Viterbo). Chinese historian Ban Gu (Mengjian) (d. 92) in Xiangyang, Shaanxi; son of Ban Biao (3-54); brother of Ban Chao (32-102) and Ban Zhao (45-116). Chinese Eastern Han gen. Ban (Pan) Chao (Zhongsheng) (d. 102) in Xianyang, Shaanxi; brother of Ban Gu (32-92) and Ban Zhao (45-116); father of Ban Yong. Deaths: Roman senator Gaius Asinius Gallus (b. ?); dies of starvation after three years in custody.

33 - The Year of Man and Mama Mia? The Since U Been Gone, I Can Breathe for the First Time Year? The Big Year of Years for Christians, when the Original Mission: Impossible is completed with the execution and resurrection of Jesus Christ, saving the human race from sin, after which the Great Hourglass of Time is set running to await his return to judge da World? And it just happens to be half of sixty-six, plus minus 6.66 or 3.33?

Jesus Christ on the Cross (33?) Garden of Gethsemane Golgotha Mary Magdalene

33 The 203rd Olympiad. Roman consuls: Servius Sulpicius Galba Caesar Augustus and Lucius Cornelius Sulla Felix. From this year until 257 C.E. Roman censuses are taken every 14 years. On Apr. 3 (Fri.) (3:00 p.m.) there is a lunar eclipse; astronomers Colin J. Humphreys and W.G. Waddington claim that Jesus Christ was crucified on this day - could it be, no? Liar, Lunatic or Lord? The entire future of the Western and half of the Eastern world is changed by what allegedly happens to one man in a backwater of the Roman Empire about this time? This job's a dead end; you can do better girlfriend? Jesus Christ starts the year E of the Jordan River (John 10:40-42), preaching in Perea and other cities on a slow walk toward Jerusalem, recruiting his first 12 Disciples (Apostles) (Mt. 4:18-22, Mk. 1:16-20, Lk. 5-11) by the Sea of Galilee, starting with fisherman (St.) Andrew the Apostle (First-Called) (5-62) and his brother fisherman Simon Peter the Apostle (firt pope), dubbing them "fishers of men" (Matt. 4:18-22) (Mark 1:16-20) (Luke 5:1-11) (John 1:35-42), (St.) James the Great(er), son of Zebedee, John of Patmos the Apostle (Evangelist) (Elder) (6-100), "the Beloved Disciple" (youngest) (brother of James), Philip (-80) (John 1:43), Bartholomew, Matthew, the tax collector (Mt. 9:9-13, Mk. 2:13-17, Lk. 5:27-28), Doubting Thomas (Didymus) (Lat. "twin") (-72), James the Less(er)/Younger/Little, son of Alphaeus, Simon the Zealot (Canaanite) (Cananaean), Judas (Jude) Thaddaeus (Lebbaeus), son of James (Lk. 6:16) (Acts 1:13), and Judas Iscariot, stopping in Bethany to raise Lazarus from the dead (John 11:1-46), then after skirting Jerusalem he goes through Samaria, back through Perea, where he foretells his death and resurrection for a 3rd time (Matt. 20:17-19, Mk. 10:32-34, Luke 18:31-34), passes through Jericho, healing two blind men, then visits Zacchaeus (Matt. 20:29-34, Mt. 10:46-52, Luke 18:35-19:28); six days before Passover he arrives in Bethany (John 11:55-12:1), has a feast at the house of Simon the Leper, is annointed by Mary of Bethany (Matt. 26:6-13, Mt. 14:3-9, John 12:2-11), then on Nisan 9 (Palm Sunday) finally makes his Triumphal Entry into Jerusalem (Matt. 21:1-11, 14-17; Mk. 11:1-11, Luke 19:29-44, John 12:12-19), cursing a barren fig tree on Nisan 10 (Matt. 21:18-19, Mk. 11:12-17, Luke 19:45-46); on Nisan 11 the barren fig tree is found withered (Matt. 21:19-22, Mk. 11:20-25), and he has fun in the Temple of Jerusalem, overturning the moneychanger's tables, then retreating to the Mount of Olives; on Nisan 12 the Jewish leaders plot his death, and cut a deal with traitor disciple Judas (Yehuda) Iscariot, the one who keeps the money bag; on Nisan 14 (Thur.) (Mt. 26:17-30) (Mk. 14:12-26) (Lk. 22:7-39) (John 13:1-17:26) (Ex. 12:18) Jesus and his disciples celebrate the Last Supper, held in the Cenacle (Upper Room), where Jesus predicts his betrayal by you know who Judas Iscariot and that you know who Peter will deny knowing him 3x the cock crows (sunrise), instituting the Eucharist; it was not a Passover meal but a run-of-the-meal Jewish meal?; on Nisan 15 (Fri.) (First Passover) after praying in the Garden of Gethsemane (Aramaic "olive oil press") at the foot of the Mount of Olives, where "his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground" (Luke 22:43-4), Jesus of Nazareth (Christ) (b. -7 to -2?) (clean shaven or bearded?) (single or married?) (does he or doesn't he?) (swings both ways or what?) is betrayed with a kiss by his disciple Judas Iscariot for 30 pieces of silver (the kiss is to tell him apart from disciple James the Lesser, brother of Matthew, who allegedly looks a lot like Jesus but isn't as good a kisser?), and taken to the Jewish high priests, who can't stand his blasphemous jive honky mouth and spit on him and slap the faker, then hand him over the Romans, talking Pontius Pilate into having him flagrantly scourged with flagrums (flagri) (2-3 thongs with bell-shaped thingies to cause pain?); then noting that Tiberius extended the law of laesa majestas (injured majesty) to include mere libelous words against the emperor under the definition of sedition, Pontius Pilate legally orders his execution (John 19:12-16), and after Simon of Cyrene (a Greek city in the Roman province of Cyrenaica, with a pop. of 100K Judean Jews, meaning he wasn't necessary black?) helps him carry his cross (Mk. 15:21) on the Via Dolorosa (Lat. "sorrowful way"), Jesus is crucified on a cross (hung on a stake?) at Cavalry Hill (Golgotha) (Lat. "calvariae locus" = Gr. "kranion topos" = Aramaic "Golgotha" = "place of the skull") outside Jerusalem on Passover, Nisan 14 (Fri.), where he gives up the ghost about 3 p.m. as the sky grows dark?; last words (KJV): "It is finished" (Gr. "Tetelestoi") (John 19:30) (same words said by the high priest after the Passover lambs are sacrificed); "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" (Matt. 27:46, Mark 15:34); "Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit" (Luke 23:46); wealthy Jew (metals trade, dealing with Cornwall in Britain?) and secret Christian (member of the Sanhedrin) Joseph of Arimathea (owner of the Garden of Gethsemane?) requests his body from Pilate and places it in his own newly-dug tomb (Matt. 27:57-60), although by Roman law crucified criminals can't be buried but are to be left hanging for the birds and beasts to feast on; too bad (too good?), early on the morning of Nisan 16 (Sun.) his tomb is found empty, and his true believers begin seeing things, claiming to see him appear and disappear, not only to them, to everybody, since he immediately proceeds to give the absolute proof that he's the Son of God and that his conviction by human courts was overturned by the Supreme Court of Heaven to silence all skeptics by making his second triumphal entry into Jerusalem in front of multitudes, where he walks up to Pilate and kisses him on the pucker, er, he skips that and leaves the 3-D holographic Burial Shroud of Christ, which becomes hard to prove exists for the next millennium or more, but wows scientists in the 20th cent.?; meanwhile after Jesus II kind of sneaks around and only visits his own for awhile (if only he had gone back to Big J, imagine the high priest's face, er, maybe it's all a test for them stiff-necked Jews, who would have just sent him back to the Cross again and again and again, shut your mouth?), he gives his disciples the Great Commission (Mt. 28:18-20), then decides a wife and kids ain't worth it and retires from the flesh biz without having to be bitch-slapped and crooseefied again, and disappears into the sky on the 40th day of his new life (Ziv or Iyyar 25) at the Mount of Olives (Olivet) near Bethany (2 mi. ESE of Jerusalem) (home of his friend Lazarus and his sisters Martha and Mary) (Acts 1:9-12); meanwhile, wasting no time, the first crop of 120 Christians (Gk. "little Christs") and Jewish proselytes (from around the Roman empire?) gather in Jerusalem on Pentecost (Festival of Harvest) (Festival of Weeks) (Day of the First Ripe Fruits), 50 days after the Passover (Sivan 6), where they receive the "Holy Spirit", speak in tongues and launch the World Religion of Christi[ns]anity (Acts 1:13-15), the belief that he rose from da dead and only his shed blood is truly lifesaving, plus plus plus take a bath and sign right here and you're saved, don't ask for a corpse or a skeleton he flew the coop and is looking back at ya from Heaven (thank god, I'm so sick of New York?); meanwhile true-moneygrubbing-Jew traitor apostle Judas Iscariot buys the Aceldama (Akeldama) (Aramaic "hagel dema" = field of blood) (Matt. 27:7) S of Jerusalem with his 30 pieces of silver (which he returns?), then does a swan dive, "falling headlong, burst open in the middle and all his bowels gushed out" - Acts 1:18); seven qualified men are appointed as food distributors for the Christian Jewish congregation, the only non-Jew being Nicolaus of Antioch (Acts 6:1-6); the 11 remaining original apostles go out and preach the good news, and all are martyred (Stephen is stoned, Matthew is slain in Ethiopia, Mark is dragged through the streets until dead, Luke is hanged, Peter and Simeon are crucified, Andrew the First-Called (5-62) is crucified, Philip is crucified and stoned, James is beheaded, Barholomew is flayed alive, Thomas is pierced with lances, James the Less is thrown from the Temple of Jerusalem and beaten to death, Jude is shot to death with arrows, Matthias is stoned to death, Paul is beheaded) except John, who ends up in W Asia Minor and outlives the rest, reaching 100?; Peter goes to Gaul (Chartres), Britain (Cornhill), and Rome?; Matthew goes to Ethiopia and resides with an official converted by Philip?; Philip acompanies Lazarus, Mary Magdalene, Joseph of Arimathea et al. on a preaching mission to Gaul, with Lazarus and Mary remaining in Marseille, after which Philip sends Joseph of Arimathea with 12 disciples to Christianize Britain, founding a monastery at Glastonbury, and bringing the Holy Grail with him?; Matthias (one of the Seventy) goes to Armenia?; Jude Thaddaeus goes to Edessa and cures King Abigar with the Shroud (Mandylion)?; Simon and Jude go to Mesopotamia?; Andrew goes to Byzantium?; red-haired Mary Magdalene (of Magdala), Christ's wife, carrying his child and meant to run her hubby church is overthrown in a coup led by woman-hating, er, Peter, and flees to France with her red-haired daughter Sarah, carrying the sang real, the royal blood of Christ, and spawning the legend of the San Greal, or Holy Grail (Sang Real, or Royal Blood)? ("Witness the greatest coverup in history" - Dan Brown?) - ready or not, there I go?; Jehovah prepares to quit sticking with the home team despite his long-time partiality, divorce his wife the Chosen People, take away their driver's licenses, make the mean nasty Romans destroy his former temple and priesthood, and get them dispersed out of their former land of milk and honey, where they will be forced to fend for themselves in a sea of goyim, but not right away, giving them 40 years to repent for what they did to his only begotten Son? The Jewish Temple will then no longer be needed, as the body of each believer is a temple, and the only sacrifice needed is the blood of the Lamb, s orry rabbi, kicks are for Trids?; yes, as a just God he must give them the customary 40, but funny how the first Gospels spring up after the Temple is destroyed, forever giving skeptics a platform to claim that Jeezy was all made-up afterwards when all the possible witnesses is kaput, and all the mean persecuting Jews iz taken care of, like magic, er, that would make it true, check back in 2,000+ years? Deaths: Roman empress Julia Vipsania Agrippina Major (b. -14) on Oct. 17 in Pandataria (Pandateria) (modern-day Ventotene), Pontine Islands; starves to death despite forced feeding?; Tiberius claims she "had Asinius Gallus as a lover and was driven by his death to loath existence"; the Roman Senate declares her birthday a day of ill omen. Jewish messiah Jesus Christ (b. -7 to -2) in Jerusalem (crucified)?

34 Roman consuls: Lucius Vitellius and Paulus Fabius Persicus. On Apr. 23 (Fri.) (St. George's Day) Jesus Christ is crucified, according to English big brain scientist Sir Isaac Newton (1643-1727). Herod I the Great's son Philip the Tetrarch dies childless, and Tiberius orders his realms to be added to the province of Syria. Jesus Christ spends the next 16 years traveling with his mother Mary through Turkey, Persia, and W Europe (England?), finally settling in Kashmir, where he teaches and becomes a revered saint, dying at age 121 and buried in a tomb, according to Mirza Ghulami Ahmad (1835-1908). According to the Book of Mormon, the risen Jesus Christ visits America to plant Christianity among the Nephites, while the Great Apostasy begins in Jerusalem, where the true faith of Christ is corrupted and its leaders corrupted or killed, ending with Joseph Smith's First Vision in 1820; after a fierce storm and major earthquake that destroys Zarahemla (which is rebuilt later in this cent.), Jesus appears at the temple in Bountiful, and preaches a version of the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5-7) that follows the King James version but doesn't jive with the original Greek, making it "the Achilles heel of the Book of Mormon"? Births: Roman Stoic poet-satirist Aulus Persius Flaccus (d. 62) on Dec. 4 in Volaterra, Etruria; student of Lucius Annaeus Cornutus; friend and kinsman of Publius Clodius Thrasea Paetus (-66) - an island in a sea of immortality? Deaths: Judean tetrarch Philip (b. -20). Armenian king (18-34) Artaxias.

Lucius Vitellius the Elder (-6 to 51)

35 Roman consuls: Gaius Cestius Gallus. Tiberius names Gemellus (Nero) and Caligula as joint heirs to the imperial throne in his will. New Syrian gov. Lucius Vitellius the Elder (-6 to 51) orders Pilate to remove his personal friend high priest Joseph Caiaphas from office. Peace is agreed between Rome and Parthia after Herod I the Great's son Herod Antipas mediates; Artabanus III is forced from the throne by rebels, who petition Rome for a new king, and Tiridates III, grandson of Phraates III, who had been sent to Rome as a hostage and educated there becomes king of Parthia (until 36). Births: Roman rhetorician Quintilian (Quintillian) (Quinctilian) (Marcus Fabius Quintilianus (d. 95) in Calagurris (modern-day Calahorra), Spain; pupil of orator Gnaeus Domitius Afer (-59). Roman emperor #12 (96-98) Marcus Cocceius Nerva (d. 98) in Narnia, Italy. Syrian Christian bishop (inventor of the name Catholic Church) (St.) Ignatius of Antioch (AKA Theophorus) (d. 117); student of St. John the Apostle; feast day: Dec. 20 (Eastern), Oct. 17 (Western), Feb. 1 (1962 Gen. Roman Calendar). Deaths: Roman gov. Gaius Poppaeus Sabinus (b. ?) in the Balkans.

St. Stephen (-36) St. Paul (5-65)

36 Roman consuls: Sextus Papinius and Quintus Plautius. There is a fire in firetrap Rome. Herod Agrippa I is imprisoned by Tiberius after being overheard wishing that Gaius would soon be emperor. Nabataean king (-9 to 40) Aretas IV (2 Cor. 11:32) defeats Herod Antipas in Damascus. Armed Samaritans gather on Mount Gerizim in hopes of uncovering ancient buried treasures of Moses, and Pilate sends troops, which kill a number of them, causing them to complain to Pilate's boss Syrian gov. Lucius Vitellius the Elder, who, seeking to secure Jewish goodwill removes Pilate and sends him to Rome to answer to the emperor on charges of rapacity and cruelty; Tiberius dies next year before Pilate arrives, and the latter passes out of history into the realm of speculation, some claiming he becomes a Christian (Ethiopian Christians make him a saint), or committed suicide; Marcellus becomes Roman prefect of Judea (until 37); Vitellius appoints a new independent high priest, who martyrs (St.) Stephen (Gr. "wreath or crown") (Acts 7:58) (the first Christian martyr), and sends Pharisee Saul (Heb. "asked of God") of Tarsus (5-65) to Damascus to arrest some pesky Christians (Acts 9:4), which ends in the latter's miraculous vision of Jesus Christ on the road from Jerusalem to Damascus and conversion and reinvention as the artist formerly known as Apostle St. Paul (Gr. "small").

37 - Exeunt stage left Tiberius and Pilate, enter stage right Mad Caligula?

Roman Emperor Caligula (12-41) Herod Agrippa I of Judea (-10 to 44)

37 The 204th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Gnaeus Acerronius Proculus and Gaius Petronius Pontius Nigrinus. On Mar. 16 after a decade on the Rock Hard Hudson, Roman emperor (since 14) Tiberius (b. -42) dies of mushroom poisoning in Misenum; he was emperor during the entire period of Jesus' ministry, and it was his image on the tax coin of which Jesus said "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's" (Mark 12:14-17, Mt. 22:17-21, Luke 20:22-25)? (to really 'get' it, note that Roman coins have the emperor's face on the front and some kind of pagan god on the rear?), and Germanicus' 25-y.-o. surviving son Gaius Caesar, AKA Caligula (Army Boots) (Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus) (12-41) becomes Roman emperor #3; Tiberius had to be smothered by Caligula's chambermaid Macro after he awakens from a coma and Caligula had already been congratulated on his accession?; despised by his stepfather Augustus as well as by just about everybody, the Senate refuses to deify Big T after death, and therefore he is the "one who is to be despised" who arose as the "king of the north"? (Dan. 11:15-21); when Tiberius' will is read and it names his young grandson Tiberius Gemellus as co-heir, Caligula names him his heir, then has him murdered early next year; Caligula restores Philip the Tetrarch's principality to his wastrel friend (whom he has released from prison and presented with a gold chain equal in weight to the iron one he wore in prison, which he donates to the Temple of Jerusalem), Herodias' Jewish brother Marcus Julius Herod Agrippa I (-11 to 44), who becomes the first since Herod I the Great to assume the title of king of Judea, ruling Gaulanitis (modern-day Golan Heights), Auranitis, Batanaea, and Thrachonitis, plus Abila; Caligula goes personally to Pandataria to fetch his mommy Agrippina Major's remains and bring them back to Rome; upon taking power, Caligula at first charms Rome's little heart, then in Oct. has a mental breakdown, nearly dies, and recovers, becoming a mad autocratic monster whose excesses squander the royal treasury left by Tiberius and cause him to extort heinous taxes and confiscate estates while striving to humiliate and crush the Senate and create an absolute monarchy and have himself and his sister worshiped as gods; his favorite method of torture-death is called "a thousand cuts"; he has his young cousin Gemellus beheaded to remove him as a rival to the throne, pissing-off his their joint grandmother Antonia Minor (niece of Augustus, and mother of Claudius) and causing her to commit suicide (really poisoned by Caligula?); somewhen he decides to declare war on the ocean, and to bestow the rank of consul first class upon his favorite horse Incitatus (Lat. "swift", "at full gallop"), and gives him a gold wine goblet and an ivory manger; he castrates a boy named Sporus and marries him - the original employers search Monster every day looking for the right candidates? Caligula makes Aretas IV the ethnarch (sheik) of Damascus. A new Jewish priest is installed who is subordinate to the imperial prefect. Births: Roman emperor #5 (54-68) (last of the Caesars) Nero (Nero Claudius Caesar Drusus Germanicus) (Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus) (d. 68) on Dec. 15 in Antium (on the coast of Latium); son of consul Gnaeus Domitius Ahenobarbus and Agrippina Minor (daughter of Germanicus Caesar and sister of Caligula); great-great-grandson of Augustus. Jewish Aramaic-speaking priest and turncoat troop cmdr. Gen. Titus Flavius Josephus (Josef Ben Matiyahu) (37-101) in Jerusalem; son of Matthias; turns traitor when the going gets tough and joins the Romans after the 6-week siege of Jotapata in 67, becoming the main bootlicking historian of Judea during the Jewish War of 66-73. Deaths: Roman rhetorician Seneca the Elder (Major) (b. -60); leaves Controversies, and Persuasions; his son Seneca Minor carries on: "Life is very short and anxious for those who forget the past, neglect the present, and fear for the future." Roman emperor #2 (14-37) Tiberius (b. -42) on Mar. 16 in Misenum (mushroom poisoning). Roman breed mare Antonia Minor (b. -36) in Sept./Oct. (suicide) (poisoned by Caligula?); Caligula watches her burning pyre from his dining room; Claudius bestows the title of Augusta on her, and makes her birthday a public holiday.

38 - "Let them hate me as long as they fear me" (Oderunt dum metuant) (Caligula, quoting Aecius)?

38 Roman consuls: Marcus Aquila Julianus and Gaius Nonias Asprenas. Caligula becomes a reformer, publishing the public fund ledger (which Tiberius wouldn't do), abolishing some taxes, restoring those who lost property in fires, raising people into the equestrian and senatorial orders, and giving out prizes at gymnastic events; too bad, on June 10 after 400+ days of partying, Caligula loses his favorite sister (lover?) (named as his heir last year in his will during his illness, becoming the first Roman woman) Julia Drusilla (b. 16) to a fever, causing the party to end while he goes into the three stages of grief, has her declared a god (panthea) (first Roman woman), and exiles his other two sisters Julia Livilla and Agrippina the Younger; Caligula has an affair with the wife of Praetorian prefect (since 31) Macro (b. -21), accuses him of being a pimp, and forces him to commit suicide; Macro really was plotting with Gemellus after Caligula got a fever?; Caligula marries three women this year, and orders Gemellus murdered, putting the Senate into shock and awe, attempting to crush them while giving the adoring public bread and circus, initiating a sadistic killing spree that forever labels the Roman Empire as unfit to exist for lack of checks and balances? - somebody ought to write some fiction that undermines it? Long-shot Vespasian (b. 9) is elected plebeian aedile. Antipas is deposed as tetrarch of Galilee and Perea by Caligula after his nagging wife Herodias pressures him into petitioning to be made king to keep up with her brother King Agrippa I; the latter accuses him of alliances with the Parthians and plots with Sejanus against Caligula; he is exiled to Gaul (Lyons), and his territories added to Agrippa's; anti-Jewish riots sprout in Alexandria as Agrippa I passes through on his way to take up rule in Gaulanitis and Galilee; Philo writes about the troubles and is a part of the delegation to Caligula. Artabanus II of Parthia dies. Aspurgus dies, and Mithridates (d. 49) becomes king of Bosphorus. Births: Roman poetic epigrammist Martial (Marcus Valerius Martialis) (d. 103) in Augusta Bilbilis (modern-day Calatayud), Spain. Deaths: Roman royal sister (of Calicula) Julia Drusilla (b. 16) on June 10 in Rome (fever).

Milonia Caesonia (5-41) Trung Trac (-42) and Trung Nhi (-42) of Vietnam

39 Roman consuls: Gaius Caesar Augustus and Lucius Apronius Caesianus. Anti-Jewish riots occur in Antioch. Caligula goes ape this year? In the spring Caligula marries former ho Milonia Caesonia (5-41); he then revives Tiberius' treason trials, goes campaigning on the Rhine (nobody will follow him?), gets Lepidus and Gnaeus Cornelius Lentulus Gaetulicus (Oct.) executed for conspiracy, and builds a bridge of boats over the Bay of Naples, then crosses it on horseback, proclaiming that he can walk on water like the god Neptune - is that him standing in the door with a towel? Celtic tribal wars rock Britain and Gaul (until 40). After a Chinese cmdr. rapes Trung Trac and kills her hubby, Vietnamese sister-queens Trung Trac and Trung Nhi AKA the Trung Sisters rebel against China, forming an army of 80K men and women, setting up their own independent kingdom next year (until 42) extending from the Hue River N to S China, with court at Me-linh on the Hong (Red) River, abolishing the hated Chinese tribute taxes. Three years after his conversion, Apostle Paul makes his first visit to Jerusalem (Gal. 1:18). Births: Roman aristocrat Julia Drusilla (the Younger) (Minor) (d. 41) in June in Rome; only child of Caligula and 4th wife Milonia Caesonia; named after Caligula's favorite sister Julia Drusilla; born on the day of her parents' marriage? Roman empress consort (54-62) Claudia Octavia (d. 62) on Oct. 13 in Rome; 1st wife (53-62) of Nero. Roman poet Lucan (Marcus Annaeus Lucanus) (d. 65) on Nov. 3 in Cordova, Spain; nephew of Seneca Minor (-4 to 65). Roman (Flavian) emperor #10 (79-81) Titus (Lat. "Defender") (Titus Flavius Sabinus Vespasianus Minor) (d. 81) (known as Titus not Vespasian - that's his daddy) on Dec. 30 in Rome; eldest son of emperor Vespasian (9-79); educated in the court of emperor Claudius.

Vardanes I of Parthia (-45) Ptolemy of Mauretania (-1 to 40) Egyptian Obelisk, Rome

40 Roman consuls: Gaius Caesar Augustus (3rd time) without colleague. An epidemic strikes Babylonia. On Oct. 12 according to Catholic tradition, the Virgin Mary appears to St. James the Elder by the banks of the River Ebro in Spain, instructing him to build her a church, giving him a wood statue of herself along with a column of jasper wood; he eventually returns to Jerusalem and is executed by Herod Agrippa in 44, after which the chapel is destroyed, but the precious statue and pillar are protected by the people of Zaragoza. Exiled Celtic prince Adiminius, son of Cunobelinus surrenders with a number of Britons in Germany to Caligula, and pays homage, causing Caligula to confirm his king of Britain and take his army to the Channel coast of Gaul, where he orders his troops to gather seashells to prove that they have conquered the sea and won a V over Neptune? Gentile riots against the Jews in Alexandria cause a delegation led by Philo Judaeus of Alexandria (-20 to 50) to be sent to Rome to complain to Caligula, but they are snubbled like shit, although they are ultimately moderately successful; Caligula orders that the Temple of Jehovah in Jerusalem be turned into an imperial shrine - Judaism is on its last legs in the empire? After being invited to Rome by Mad Caligula, then making the mistaking of wearing a beautiful purple cloak to a gladiator contest, making him jealous, Ptolemy of Mauretania (b. -13) (son of Cleopatra VII's and Marc Antony's daughter Cleopatra Selene II and Juba II) is executed, becoming the last Roman client king of Mauretania; the news causes the Berbers in Mauretania under freedman (ex-household slave) Aedemon to start a revolt, which is finally put down with difficulty by Roman gens. Gaius Suetonius Paulinus (Paullinus) and Gnaeus (Gaius) Hosidius Geta (20-96), after which emperor Claudius divides the pesky kingdom into Mauretania Tingitana (Morocco, Ceuta, Melilla) and Mauretania Caesariensis (Algeria). Vardanes I (d. 45), son of Artabanus II becomes king of Parthia (until 47). Aretas IV dies, and Malichus II (-70) becomes king of the Nabataeans. Caligula brings an Egyptian obelisk akin to Cleopatra's Needle to Rome, where it looms over a circus that later witnesses much fun in the Sun with the pesky Christians, incl. St. Peter in 64-67? Births: Greek physician Pedanius Dioscorides (d. 90) in Anazarbus, Cilicia. Roman Gen. and gov. of Britannia Gnaeus (Cnaeus) Julius Agricola (d. 93) on June 13 in Forum Julii, Gallia Narbonensis (S France); father-in-law of Roman historian Tacitus (55-118). Greek Cynic-Stoic-Sophist philosopher-orator-historian Dion Chrysostomus (Gr. "golden mouthed") (d. 112) in Prusa (Bursa), Bithynia; maternal grandfather of Dio Cassius (155-235). Roman aqueduct engineer Sextus Julius (Iulius) Frontinus (d. 103). Deaths: Mauretanian king Ptolemy (b. -13).

41 - I start every day with chocolate milk, or, The Age of I, Claudius?

Roman Emperor I, Claudius (-10 to 54) Roman Emperor Me, Claudius (-10 to 54) Caractacus of Britain (10-54)

41 The 205th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Gaius Caesar Augustus and Gnaeus Sentius Saturninus. On Jan. 24 after appearing before the people dressed as different gods and goddesses, declaring himself a god and having his own temple built to be worshipped in, ordering a bridge built between his palace and the Temple of Jupiter so he can be in constant contact with the gods, exiling his two sisters, and having one of their husbands (his former lover) killed for plotting against him, and crossing the red line with the Senate by making arrangements to move the imperial court from Rome to Egypt, where no Senator is allowed to set foot, after 400 days in power, mad emperor (since 37) Caligula (b. 12) is assassinated in a secret underground passage (cryptoporticus) as he leaves the Palatine Games for lunch by a mob of Senators, equatorians, and Praetorian Guards led by tribune Cassius Chaerea along with his wife Caesonia and their mean-tempered infant daughter Julia Drusilla (because he was offended by his demeaning mean humor accusing him of effeminacy and homosexuality?); his scholarly stuttering uncle and adoptive father Tiberius Claudius Drusus is proclaimed Roman emperor #4 Claudius I (-10 to 54) (I, Claudius?) by the Praetorian Guard after being found hiding behind a curtain; he has a limp and plays an idiot to survive (the original Verbal Kint AKA Keyser Soze?), but proves to be an able administrator, although his imposition on the Senate by the Praetorians gives him a weak political position which he is forced to bolster with marriage and alliances; Edward Gibbon calls Claudius "the only one [of the first 15 emperors] whose taste in love was entirely correct"; in Jan. Cassius Chaerea is executed at his request with his personal sword (after he pisses-off Claudius by ordering the murder of Caligula's wife and child?; meanwhile Claudius tries to obliterate Caligula's memory, having the Senate declare his memory damned and all statues and other memorabilia destroyed, going on to become a big empire builder, eventually adding six new provinces. Agrippa I, in Rome at the time, acts as negotiator between the Senate and the new emperor, his personal friend, then receives Judea and Samaria into his realm in appreciation, uniting Palestine for the first time since Herod I the Great, entering the city of Jerusalem triumphantly as king and savior of the Jews, and beginning a new wall around the Jerusalem suburb of New City (Bezetha), which Claudius blocks; Agrippa I gets Claudius to make his brother Herod king of Chalcis (W slope of the Anti-Lebanon Mts.). Roman gen. Gaius Suetonius Paulinus (Paullinus) campaigns in Mauretania (NW Africa) to suppress a revolt, becoming the first to cross the Atlas Mts., and the first Euro explorers of Saharan Africa; by 43 Mauretania is annexed and made into two provinces, Tingitana and Caesariensis. Seneca the Younger (Minor) is banished to Corsica. Livia is deified by her grandson Claudius. Emperor Claudius organizes a mock sea battle on Lake Fucino with 9K prisoners, who shout to him, "We who are about to die salute you" (morituri te salutamus); whether gladiators ever shout this slogan is in doubt? I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's? Cunobelinus dies, and his son Caractacus (Caradoc) (Caradog) (10-54) becomes king of the Catuvellani in S Britain and Wales (until 43). During the reign of Claudius, Roman officials in Arabia report a small herd of centaurs in the remote mountain region of Saune, after which one is transported to Egypt, where it dies, and is embalmed in honey and sent to Claudius, who exhibits it in his palace in Rome; emperor Hadrian later keeps it in his imperial storehouse. Nonfiction: The earliest Christian gospel, the Gospel of Matthew is written this year?; if so, why does more than half of it come from the Gospel of Mark? The Periplus (Gr. "sailing around") of the Erythraean Sea: Travel and Trade in the Indian Ocean (40-70) (59-62?) is written in India by an anon. merchant, describing sailing routes from Egypt through the Red Sea along NE Africa, plus SW India and the Sindh of Pakistan.

Births: Roman royal heir Britannicus (d. 55) on Feb. 12; son of Claudius (-10 to 54) and Messalina (17 to 48); brother of Octavia; takes his name from his daddy's British triumph. Deaths: Roman emperor (37-41) Caligula (b. 12) on Jan. 24 in Rome (assassinated); the Tomb of Caligula on Lake Nemi S of Rome is discovered in Jan. 2011. Roman emperor Caligula's only child Julia Drusilla (b. 39) on Jan. 24 in the Palatine Hill, Rome; assassinated by dashing out her brains gainst a wall.

42 - The Holy See Year?

Lucius Scribonianus

42 Roman consuls: Tiberius Claudius Caesar Augustus and Gaius Caecina Largus. There are famines in Rome, Egypt, and Greece. A revolt against Rome is led by Lucius Arruntius Camillus Scribonianus, gov. of Dalmatia (modern-day Yugoslavia), and leading senators are implicated, leading to trials and executions after it is quashed - scribble it on my luscious what? Vespasian is made cmdr. of the Second Augusta Legion in Germany. A new Roman harbor is begun 2.5 mi. N of silted-up Ostia, connected with the Tiber River by a canal, becoming a new town called Portus, reaching a max of 75K pop. before ending up in ruins by 700 C.E., and excavated starting 1880 C.E. Rome allegedly becomes the Holy See (Lat. "sancta sedes" = holy chair) of Roman Catholicism this year. About this time Mark the Evangelist allegedly begins preaching in pagan Alexandria, Egypt, founding the Coptic Orthodox Church of Alexandria during the reign of Nero, and converting many native Egyptians. The Chinese under Gen. Ma Yuan "the Wave Tamer" (-14 to 49) invade pesky Vietnam and conquer sisters Trung Trac and Trung Nhi, along with their female comrade Phung Thi Chinh (who delivers a baby while leading an army, never skipping a beat), who all commit suicide by jumping into a river, becoming symbols of Vietnamese resistance to the Chinese; Vietnam remains under Chinese control until 938.

43 - Another situation that calls for an absurd British comedy as Celtic Britain joins the other crown jewels of the Roman buckyball?
Pomponius Mela's Map of the World, 43

43 Roman consuls: Tiberius Claudius Caesar Augustus and Lucius Vitellius. In order to establish emperor Claudius' military rep., the Romans under gen. Aulus Plautius launch the massive Roman invasion of Britain (97 years after Caesar first invaded in -55), leaving Boulogne on 1K ships and landing at the SE corner in Richborough, Kent (near the Isle of Thanet) with four legions (50K men) (II Augusta, IX Hispana, XIV Gemina, XX Valeria), one of them commanded by future emperor Vespasian (9-79); although outnumbered 4-5 to 1 they defeat the Britons at the Battle of the Medway River outside the British Cantiaci stronghold of Camulodunum (Camalodunum) (Gael. "Camulodunon" = fortress of war god Camulos) (modern-day Colchester in Essex) (mentioned by Pliny the Elder in 77, becoming the oldest recorded British town) after the Germanic Batavi tribe of the Dutch Rhine River Delta in Batavia, working for the Romans surprise the Celts by crossing the Thames River on their horses without losing formation, catching them unprepared; after Claudius arrives with more troops plus Imperial Walkers (elephants) and heavy artillery, Togodumnus, brother of Catuvellani leader Caractacus is KIA; Caractacus escapes to the W; after being defeated by Roman auxiliary troops, the ceramic-producing Iceni (Icini) (Eceni) tribe of Norfolk, Suffolk, and Cambridgeshire submits, and King Prasutagus (-60) is allowed to keep his crown, not understanding that when he dies his kingdom becomes Roman property; Claudius celebrates a triumph and leaves Britain after only 16 days; permanent Roman occupation of Britain begins, and the Roman province of Britannia is annexed, with capital at Camulodunum, with Aulus Plautius as gov. #1 (until 47); the Romans begin establishing a series of coastal ports in Kent, incl. Dubrae, Portus Lemanis (Dover), and Lympne (pr. "lim"), and build a Roman road later called Watling Street through the site of ancient Canterbury over a natural ford near Westminister, ending in St. Albans; Southwark ("southern fortifications or works") is settled, becoming the entry point into London from the S via Watling St. and the road from Canterbury, which runs into High St., later becoming the site of Geoffrey Chaucer's Tabard Inn and the gathering place for the "people on the wrong side of the London Bridge", plus Shakespeare's Globe Theatre, infamous Marshalsea Prison, and other prisons; Watling St. runs through modern-day Towcester ("camp on the Tove River"), oldest town in modern-day Northamptonshire, becoming the site of the garrison town Lactodorum, later the frontier between the Kingdom of Wessex and Danelaw; the Romans inexplicably perpetually ignore the island of Mona (Isle of Man); the town of Staines ("stones") upon Thames (modern-day pop. 18.4K) is founded by Roman emperor Claudius at a crossing of the Thames River W of Londinium; in 1280 C.E. the London Stone names it as the W limit of the city of London's jurisdiction over the Thames River - that funny Celtic Manx language, that spooky triskelion symbol, those tailless cats, maybe it's all a threat to my manhood? Lycia is merged into Pamphylia and becomes a Roman province. The name "Christian" is coined by their enemies (pagans or Jews) in Antioch (Acts 11:26). Nonfiction: Pomponius Mela (-45), De Situ Orbis (De Chorographia) (3 vols.); a geography of the known world with a map, used until the 16th cent. Deaths: Roman breed mare Julia Drusis Caesaris Filia (b. 5).

Herod Agrippa II (27-100)

44 Roman consuls: Gaius Passienus Crispus and Titus Statilius Taurus. Cornelius Hosidius Geta and Titus Flavius Sabinus Vespasianus receive a triumph in Rome along with "I, Claudius", who staged a phony battle in Gaul the year before so he could receive the title of Britannicus. Claudius redivides Macedonia along its previous boundaries, making it a senatorial province governed by a proconsul; the free cities (Thessalonica, Amphipolis, Skotoussa) and the tribute-paying cities retain their ancient forms of govt. (assembly, council, magistrates). The Frisians get tired of oppressive taxes and hang the tax collector, then defeat the Romans under Tiberius at the Battle of Baduhennawood. An interesting intersection of Gospel fiction and real history? James the brother of John is executed by Judean king Herod Agrippa I (b. -11) at Passover (Acts 12:1,2); he then arrests Peter but somehow he gets loose (Acts 12:3-19); Herod Agrippa I wears a silver suit in Caesarea, is called a god by the audience from Tyre and Sidon, gets a bellyache from Jehovah's angel and dies? (Acts 12:20-23); his terrorities become a Roman province, since his 17-y.-o. Roman-reared son Herod (Marcus Julius) Agrippa II (27-100) is thought too young to rule, and his daughters Bernice, Drusilla (wife of Gov. Felix), and Mariamme (Mariamne) III are out of the question; Gaius (Caius) Cuspius Fadus becomes the first of a line of procurators (civilian financial governors, mainly of the equestrian class) of the Roman province of Judea (Judaea) lasting to 66. Deaths: Judean monarch (41-44) Herod Agrippa I (b. -11). Alexandrian Jewish merchant Marcus Julius Alexander (b. 16).

Gotarzes II of Parthia (-51) Emperor Kujula Kadphises of Kushan (-4 to -80)

45 The 206th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Marcus Vinicius and Titus Statilius Taurus Corvinus. Mithridates is deposed, and Tiberius Julius Cotys I (-62), AKA Philocaesar Philoromaios Eusebes becomes king of Bosphorus. Heraus dies, and his son Kujula Kadphises (-4 to 80) becomes king of the Kushanas (Kueh Shen), one of the five tribes of the Yueh-Chi of China who crossed the Himalayas in -176 and settled in Bactria, going on to unite the Yuezhi Confederation. Vardanes I dies, and his brother Gotarzes II (-51) becomes king of Parthia (until 51). About this year Jewish rebel Theudas (Gr. "flowing with water") (Acts 5:36-8) leads 400 followers to the Jordan River, promising to divide the waters so they can pass over it; too bad, Judean procurator Cuspius Fadus sends troops against them, killing many incl. Theudas and beheading him, taking his head to Jerusalem. Fiction: Freed Thracian slave Caius (Gaius) Julius Phaedrus (-15 to 50) writes Roman Fables, based on Aesop's fables. Births: Roman poet Publius Papinius Statius (b. 96). Chinese historian (first female) Ban Zhao (Pan Chao) (d. 116); daughter of Ban Biao (3-54); sister of Ban Chao (32-102) and Ban Gu (32-92). Roman senator Tiberius Julius Celsus Polemeanus (d. 119) in Ephesus (Sardis); Greek descent Roman priest parents from Sardis. Deaths: Roman writer Apion (b. -25); leaves Aegyptiaca, containing the story of Androcles and the Lion.

Tiberius Julius Alexander

46 Roman consuls: Decimus Valerius Asiaticus and Marcus Junius Silanus. Thrace (home of Spartacus and Phaedrus) and Noricum (modern-day Austria and Slovenia, NE of Italy between Rhaetia and Illyricum) become Roman provinces. The Gallic Alpine tribe of Anauni are given Roman citizenship by Claudius - sell out your Erin Go Bragh for Hail Caesar?? Alexandrian-born Jewish turncoat Tiberius Julius Alexander becomes procurator of Judea (until 48). A famine in Judea causes Messiah-wannabe Theudas (d. 46) to get a majority of Judean peasants to take their possessions and follow him to the Jordan River, where he promises to part the waters and lead them across; meanwhile Roman gov. Fadus sends a cavalry unit to kick his butt, and he must have failed to do a Moses Trick since his head is put on display in Jerusalem and his 400 disciples scattered? Alexandrian Gnostic leader Ormus and six followers are converted to Christianity by St. Mark, adopting the symbol of the rose cross? Births: Greek Platonic "Parallel Lives" biographer Plutarch (Lucius Mestrius Plutarchus) (d. 127) in Chaeronea, Boeotia (50 mi. E of Delphi).

47 Roman census. Roman consuls: Tiberius Claudius Caesar Augustus (4th time) and Lucius Vitellius (3rd time). After capturing the Isle of Wight and occupying all of the British island S of the Humber River and E of the Severn River, Roman gen. Aulus Plautius returns to Rome, where he is given an ovation, during which the emperor walks by his side to and from the Capitol, and a triumph, with the honor of riding on horseback instead of a chariot, usually reserved for the imperial family; far less able Publius Ostorius Scapula (-52) is appointed Roman gov. #2 of Britain (until 52), starting out his by stepping on his trunk by threatening to disarm the proud Iceni, who immediately revolt; meanwhile although S Britain is pretty much pacified, the tribes of Cambria (Wales) and Yorkshire keep resisting for the next 30 years; luckily the survivors can run and hide in the highlands (Grampians) of Caledonia (Pictland), the Pennines of N England (Cheviot Hills S to Derbyshire and Staffordshire), the Cambrian Mts. of Wales (from the Irish Sea to the Bristol Channel) (home of the trilobites and the Cambrian Era of fossil-hunters), and the sparse highlands and outlying areas of Ireland; a cheesemaker in Cheshire is executed for telling the Romans the secret of crumbly salty Cheshire cheese - the Celts start becoming like cockroaches that can be sprayed with Raid when the stags come out into the kitchen to graze, but whose eggs and young back in the walls can't be located or reached? Claudius revives the censorship and holds the Secular Games (ludi saeculares) to mark 800 years of Rome. The Devil's Highway connecting Londonium with Pontes (Stanes) and Calleva Altrebatum (Silchester) is begun, becoming the main route to the W of Britain during the Roman occupation. This year and next Apostle Paul undertakes his First Missionary Journey under the leadership of Barnabas and attended by John Mark, starting at the seaport of Seleucia in Antioch and sailing to Salamis on the E coast of Cyprus, then preaching their way to Paphos on the W coast (allegedly founded by Cinyras, daughter of Paphos, daughter of Pygmalion and Galatea), where Paul blinds sorcerer Elymas and converts proconsul Sergius Paulus (Acts 13:4-12; 13:1-14:28). During the Roman conquest of Britain the Roman cavalry attacks the "defenceless of Dinas" in modern-day Gilfach Goch in modern-day Rhondda Cynon Taf in S Wales, but they are routed after thousands heed the call of the Druids.

Valeria Messalina (17-48) Agrippina Minor (15-59) Ventidius Cumanus Roman Conquest of Wales, 48-78

48 There are 5,984,071 Roman citizens, according to the Annals of Tacitus (11.25); Jewish pop. of Israel: 1.5M-2.5M, plus 300K non-Jews. Roman consuls: Aulus Vitellius Germanicus Augustus and Lucius Vipstanus Publicola. Claudius' way younger 3rd nympho wife Valeria Messalina (b. 17) (who won a contest with Rome's leading whore by wearing out the most men) gets caught conspiring with lover Caius Silius to seize power, marrying him when Claudius is away from Rome; both are executed; Claudius then receives special senatorial permission to marry his niece Agrippina Minor (15-59), mother of Nero (known for her canine teeth, which Pliny the Younger says means good fortune), which he does next year. Ananias (-66) is appointed Jewish high priest by King Herod of Chalcis, brother of Herod Agrippa I (until 58). Claudius recruits Transalpine Gallic nobles into the Roman Senate, which already is pissed by his incorporation of imperial freemen such as Narcissus, Polybius, Pallas, and Callistus into his imperial admin., causing them to become wealthy and powerful. The Romans begin a campaign in the hill country of British Wales (ends 79), home of the dark-complected curly-haired Silures and sheep-raising Ordovices. Ventidius Cumanus becomes Roman procurator of Judea (until 52). Apostle Paul and co. sail from Paphos, Cyprus to Perga in Pamphylia (S Asia Minor), John Mark returning to Jerusalem; Paul and Barnabas head N to Antioch in Pisidia, but the pesky Jews get them tossed out (Acts 13:13-50); they go to Iconium, where the Jews do it again, and they flee to Lystra in Lycaonia, where Paul heals a lame man and the crowd takes them for gods, only to have Jews from Antioch and Iconium shadow them and turn the crowds against Paul, getting him lapidated, er, stoned and dragged outside the city, taken for dead, but he is just faking and goes to Lystra, then Derbe, back to Lystra, then Iconium, Antioch, and Perga, finally sailing from Attalia to Syrian Antioch (Acts 13:51-14:28). Deaths: Alleged date of death of Mary, mother of Jesus (b. -15) in Jerusalem; her body is conveniently "assumed" into heaven, making a search for her remains pointless? Roman empress Valeria Messalina (b. 17) (murdered).

Boudicca of the Iceni (30-62)

49 The 207th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Quintus Veranius and Gaius Pompeius Longus Gallus. Seneca Minor becomes Nero's tutor. Lollia Paulina is exiled and killed. Emperor Claudius marries Agrippina Minor, and next year adopts her son Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus, changing his name to Nero Claudius Caesar Drusus Germanicus. Emperor Claudius expels Jewish Septuagint missionaries from Rome. King Herod of Chalcis dies, and his nephew Marcus Julius Herod Agrippa II (27-100) becomes king of Chalcis. Red-haired Boudicca (Boudica) (Boadicea) (Boudicea) (Buddug) (30-62) (30-62) (bodacious tatas?) marries King Prasutagus (d. 60) of the Iceni in Britain (modern-day Norfolk and Suffolk); the Roman legions reach Lincoln, Chester, and S Wales, and set up military bases in Chester, Kingsholm in Gloucestershire, and Wroxeter in Shropshire. After building a castle in 9 C.E., the Romans build a large bridge over the Rhine River at Koblenz (Coblenz), followed by another one in the 2nd cent., which is destroyed by the Franks in 259; a temple to Mercury and Rosmerta is used to the 5th cent. Let me introduce you to P; P hates his job? Apostle Paul, Titus et al. meet with Jewish Christian elders in Jerusalem to discuss what Jewish laws, if any (esp. circumcision) must be obeyed by gentile converts, and they decide that they must only remain free of idolatry, consumption of blood, and sexual immorality (Gal. 2:1-10, Acts 15:1-29), becoming the first Canon Law?; they send Silas to Antioch, and give Paul and Barnabas the mission of preaching to the now-PC uncircumcised (Gal. 2:1-9); Peter chickens out trying to preach to gentiles in Syrian Antioch after Jews from Jerusalem arrive, causing Paul to publicly censure him (Ga. 2:11-14).

Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus Sanabares of Parthia (-56) Aulus Cornelius Celsus (-25 to 50)

50 Roman consuls: Gaius Antistius Vetus and Marcus Suillius Nerullinus. The Chatti invade from Germany and are crushed by Pomponius. After a Roman soldier moons the Jews in the Temple, pissing them off, and Cumanus refuses to punish him but instead calls in his troops, a Jewish riot in Jerusalem results in 20K-30K killed; Claudius expels (all the?) Jews from Rome; civil and ethnic conflicts rock Judea from now on until the end (66-70). Claudius adopts Agrippina's son Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus, who takes the name Nero, and excludes his own son (by Messalina) Britannicus (b. 41) (brother of Octavia) from succession. Sanabares (d. 56) becomes rebel king of Parthia. Roman soldiers found the city of Londinium (London) (Celtic llyn-din, "stronghold on the lake") (The City) (originally 677 acres) (modern-day pop. 8.8M/14M) on the N bank of the Thames River 30 mi. from the estuary on the North Sea) on the site of a Celtic wooden bridge (where they built a Roman fort in 43?), beginning England's "liquid history"; four systems of Roman roads begin construction centering on London, with a 5th built later not centered there; the Roman road later called Stane (Stone) Street runs 50 mi. from London SW to Noviomagus (Gael. "new plain") Reginorum (Regnentium), former home of the Regini subtribe of the Atrebates, which the Saxons later call Chichester; the city of Bath in SW England (modern-day pop. 89K) emerges as a great place to, er, take a bath, use your Bath chair, and as a center of Roman fashion, show off your bod; a legend that mythical king Bath Dude, er, Bladud (father of King Lear) built Bath and dedicated the medicinal springs to the Roman goddess Minerva causes the Temple of Aquae Sulis to be conflated with her, and a large gilded bronze head of the babe survives to modern times; Romans occupy Cornwall until 250 C.E.? Traditional date of the arrival of St. Thomas the Apostle (-72) (an Indian, always portrayed as dark?) in Kerala, India after establishing Christian churches in Mesopotamia and Persia, founding the St. Thomas (Syrian) Christians of India; the Assyrians, who had scattered across the Middle East over the last 6 cents. embrace Christianity, and found the Ancient Church of the East in Iraq. Apostle Paul splits with Barnabas over taking quitter John Mark back, and takes off for Syria with Silas (Silvanus) on his Second Missionary Journey (ends 52), traveling through Syria into Asia Minor, stopping at Lystra to pick up young half-Jew Timothy, hedging his bets by personally circumcising him so Timmy could preach to Jews without pissing them off (Acts 15:36-16:3); after a night vision at Troas (on the Aegean Sea), "Step over into Macedonia and help us" (Acts 16:8-10), Paul joins Luke the physician for a trip to Macedonia, converting Lydia and her household at Philippi (his first European city), but his exorcism of a girl gets him and Silas jailed, and a fortuitous earthquake frees him, wowing the jailer, who converts to Christianity along with his family, and Paul uses his Roman citizenship to compel the civil magistrates to personally free him and Silas from priz; they then go to Amphipolis, Apollonia and Thessalonia, but jealous Jews start a riot, and Paul and Silas flee to Beroea in Macedonia (40 mi. WSW of Thessalonica), then preach in the Jewish synagogue and found a Christian community (Acts 17:10-12), but Jews shadowing them from Thessalonica get them \ kicked out yet again (Acts 16:8-17:14), this time to Athens, where he takes on the Greek Epicurean and Stoic philosophers and their Unknown God (in case they missed one with their other temples, to cover all bases) in the Areopagus, converting Dionysius the Areopagite et al. (Acts 17:15-34); Greek writings bearing the name of Dionysius the Areopagite are later produced by anon., laying the foundation for the mystical theology of the Church; about this time Phoebe, a deaconess sent by St. Paul to Rome becomes the first known nurse (Romans 16:1). About this time the Romans introduce Bordeaux wine to SW Gaul (France). Nonfiction: About this time (50-100) the Qumran Copper Scroll is written; it contains a list of locations where gold and silver items are hidden; discovered in 1952. The trans. of the Hebrew scriptures into the Syriac Aramaic Peshitta begins. Big technological breakthrough for New Testament makers? About this time many books are now assembled as cool, easy-to-hop-around-in codices (books with pages), not cumbersome scrolls - the ancient version of email makes Christianity a winner? In this decade Apostle Paul writes the Epistle to the Galatians (a region containing several churches, not just one). Science: About this time Sparta-born Greek physician Agathinus, pupil of Athenaeus of Attalia flourishes in Rome, founding the Episynthetic School of Medicine, which adopts opinions from any and all schools even if contradictory. Births: Chinese paper inventor (court eunuch in 75-121) Cai Lun (T'sai-lun) (d. 121) in Guiyang. Jewish rabbi ("Head of All Sages") (founder of Rabbinical Judaism) Akiba (Akiva) ben Joseph (d. 135) (b. 40?). Deaths: Jewish philosopher Philo Judaeus (b. -25) in Alexandria; dies after years of trying to reconcile Jewish and Greek thought, leaving Allegorical Commentary, Questions and Answers on Genesis and Exodus, Exposition of the Law, and On the Contemplative Life - playing Salieri to Paul's Amadeus? Deaths: Roman brain man Aulus Cornelius Celsus (b. -25); leaves De Medicina (8 vols.), becoming the #1 medical text of the ancient Romans, with info. about diet, drugs, surgery, dermatology et al.; describes the "dilated tortuous veins" surrounding a breast cancer, causing Galen to later give cancer (Lat. crab) its name, describing four clinical stages of evolution of breast cancer, starting with cacoethes (benign lesion), recommending teatment first by caustics followed by surgical excision and cauterization for this stage only, warning against doing it for the other three stages because it might "irritate" the process and kill the patient; he also advises against removal of the pectoral muscles along with the breast; Bk. 3 addresses mental diseases - his image bears a striking resemblance to Jesus, er, naw? Christian bishop (companion of St. Paul) (St.) Silas (Silvanus) (b. ?) in Macedonia; feast day: Jan. 26/Feb. 10.

Vonones II of Parthia (-51) Vologases I of Parthia (-78)

51 Roman consuls: Tiberius Claudius Caesar Augustus and Servius Cornelius Salvidienus Orfitus. There is yet another famine in Rome. After years of playing cat-and-mouse with them, the Romans take the stronghold of Ft. Llanymynech near Caerleon and Caerwent in Wales (near the Teme River), and Catuvellani king Caractacus (Caradoc) (Caradog) (10-54), last of the native British Celtic leaders to stand against Rome flees to the Brigantes, only to be betrayed by queen Catimandura, captured and sent along with his family to Rome and paraded around, after which he gives a speech that wins the respect of Rome and saves his life, and Claudius allows him to freely reside in Rome; meanwhile Roman cmdr. Publius Ostorius Scapula is so worn out that he also returns to Rome, is given no triumph, and soon dies - show us that Halloween trick or treat thing again, Caractacus baby, here's a goblet of wine? Nero is given the title Princeps Iuventutis. Vespasian is elected suffect consul in Rome. Nero's tutor Sextus Afranius Burrus (1-62) becomes Praetorian prefect. Gotarzes II dies, and Vonones II becomes king of Parthia, but doesn't last long, and Vologases I (-78) becomes king of Parthia (until 78). Apostle Paul goes to the wild port city of Corinth, "best little whorehouse in the Ancient Roman World", known for its temple of Apollo at sea level and its temple of Aphrodite on the hilltop Acrocorinth (acropolis), filled with "Corinthian women" (hos), as well as its 3.5-mi. Diolkos road for dry-hauling ships over the Isthmus of Corinth to avoid the treacherous 200-mi. voyage around the stormy Peloponnesus, which causes the town to be regularly filled with horny sailors looking for a good time from the thriving working girls; he stays for 1.5 years, first preaching in the Hebrew synagogue (unearthed in 1898) and making converts among Jews and pagans, preaching how the human body is the temple of the human spirit and sexual immorality is bad, and receiving a vision that Corinth contains many righteously disposed people (Acts 18:9-11) - which explains why Christianity attracts worn-out hos and johns who have turned into sex-hating prudes? About this time Apostle Paul takes on the Greek Epicurean and Stoic philosophers and their Unknown God (in case they missed one with their other temples, to cover all bases) in the Areopagus, converting Dionysius the Areopagite et al. (Acts 17:15-34); in the 5th-6th cents. .E. Greek writings bearing the name of Dionysius the Areopagite are later produced by anon., laying the foundation for the mystical theology of the Church. Births: Roman emperor (81-96) ("the second Nero") Titus Flavius Domitianus (Domitian) (d. 96) on Oct. 24; 2nd son of Vespasian (9-79); husband (71-) of Domitia Longina (53-130).

Antonius Felix (5-) Claudian Arch, 52

52 Roman consuls: Faustus Cornelius Sulla Felix and Lucius Salvius Otho Titianus. Pliny the Elder returns to Rome. Herod Agrippa II moves his seat from Chalcis to Iturea. Jewish high priest Ananias stands trial in Rome over some difficulties with the Samaritans, anud is acquitted by Claudius. Marcus Antonius Felix (b. 5?) (younger brother of Greek freedman Marcus Antonius Pallas (-62), treasury secy. for Emperor Claudius, who descend from the Greek kings of Arcadia) becomes Roman procurator (gov.) of Judea (until 58), becoming known for cruelty, licentiousness, and bribe-taking, leading to an increase in crime in Judea; after Apostle Paul is arrested in Jerusalem and put on trial before him in Caesarea, Felix and his wife Drusilla send for him and talk with him (Acts 24:24-26), then leave him imprisoned as a favor to the Jews (Acts 24:27). Publius Ostorius Scapula dies unexpectedly, "worn out with care" (Tacitus), and the Silures defeat a legion led by Gaius Manlius Valens before new Roman gen. Aulus Didius Gallus arrives as Roman gov. #3 of Britain (until 57); meanwhile Brigantes king Venutius is jilted by his queen Cartimandua for what's-in-your-kilt Vellocatus, who elevates him to the kingship, causing Venutius to rebel against her; when the Romans back her up, he forsakes his loyalty to Rome and revolts against them too. Claudius stages an extreme naumachia on Lake Fucino in C Italy, becoming the only documented use of the phrase "Morituri te salutant" ("We who are about to die salute you"). Syrian historian Thallus writes that in Judea on the Passover in 32 there was an eclipse, just like it says in the Gospels? Apostle Paul shacks up with Jewish couple Aquila and Priscilla (who had been expelled with other Jews from Rome by Claudius in 50) in Corinth, and works part time as a tentmaker (maker of prayer shawls?), writing the Two Epistles to the Thessalonians (50-51) (his earliest epistles?), meanwhile the Jews get him charged before the court (bema) of proconsul Gallio, but he dismisses the charges because he is accused of violating Jewish not Roman law (Acts 18:1-17); in Romans 16:23 Paul mentions city treasurer Erastus (Lat. "beloved"), who is who found mentioned on a pavement there by T.L. Shear in 1929; Apostle Paul then sails with Aquila and Priscilla from the E port of Cenchreae to Ephesus, Caesarea, back and forth to Jerusalem, then to Syrian Antioch (Acts 18:18-22). The island of Socotra 150 mi. E of the Horn of Africa is allegedly converted to Christianity by St. Thomas the Apostle. Architecture: The Claudian Arch (Arcus Claudii) is erected in Rome to commemorate the British V. The aqueducts Aqua Claudia (begun 36) and Anio Novus are completed, giving Rome 11 aqueducts.

1,900 years before TLW, see the newest star in the galaxy, it's called a Grippa?

Claudia Octavia (39-62) Herod Agrippa II (27-100)

53 The 208th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Decimus Junius Silanus Torquatus and Quintus Haterius Antoninus. An earthquake rocks Asia Minor. On June 9 16-y.-o. Nero marries Claudius' daughter (by former wife Valeria Messalina) Claudia Octavia (39-62) (sister of Britannicus), allying Claudius more closely with the family of Caesar, and setting Nero up for the royal succession after Britannicus - and now the old man and his snotty son can go? Claudius gives Herod I the Great's great-grandson Marcus Julius "Herod" Agrippa II (27-100) the territories once ruled by Lysanias and his father's uncle Philip the Tetrarch, incl. the Golan Heights (actually he exchanges the kingdom of Chalcis for them); he is given oversight over the Temple of Jerusalem with the authority to appoint Jewish high priests - you have to fight for your right to party? Apostle Paul begins his Third Missionary Journey (ends 56), visiting Ephesus for 2.5 years, and dispatching Titus to Corinth to check up on Apollos (Acts 18:24-28, 19:1). Births: Roman emperor #13 (98-117) Trajan (Marcus Ulpius Nerva Traianus) (d. 117) on Sept. 18 in Italica (near Seville), Hispania Baetica (Spain); of an old Roman colonial family in Spain; son of Marcus Ulpius Traianus (30-99). Roman empress (81-96) Domitia Longina (d. 130); youngest daughter of Gnaeus Domitius Corbulo (7-67) and Cassia Longina; paternal niece of Caligula's wife Milonia Caesonia; sister of Domitia Corbula; wife (-71) of Lucius Aelius Lamia (-81) and (71-96) Domitian (51-96).

54 - Don't forget my vitamins, or The Shadow knows Nero year?

Roman Emperor Nero (37-68) Roman Emperor Nero (37-68) Roman Emperor Nero (37-68) Sextus Afranius Burrus (1-62) Seneca the Younger (-4 to 65) The Great Cameo of France, 54 C.E. Bridge of Nero, 54

54 Roman consuls: Manius Acilius Aviola and Marcus Asinius Marcellus. An earthquake strikes sore-feet-aching-back-plantar-fasciitis Rome. On Oct. 13 emperor (since Jan. 24, 41) Claudius (b. -10) dies of mushroom poisoning by his wife Agrippina Minor, and her Hellenophile hooligan son Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus, who changed his name in 50 to Nero (37-68) becomes Roman emperor #5 (last of the Caesars) (until June 9, 68) after mommy gets Praetorian Prefect Sextus Afranius Burrus (1-62) to present him to his cohorts and declare him emperor instead of Claudius' son Britannicus, getting the Senate and provinces to accept the choice; Burrus becomes Nero's advisor, along with philosopher Seneca Minor, beginning the Five Golden Years of Nero (Quinquennium Neronis), in which Nero takes advice and rules with moderation, lowering taxes and govt. regulation and giving the Romans more bread and circuses while cultivating his love for poetry, music, painting, sculpture, and horseracing and snubbing the army, becoming the first emperor to never visit them; these years are called by Trajan "the best of the imperial era"; Nero renames Caesarea Philippi to Neronias, and gives Tiberias and Taricheae in Galilee, and Julias in Perea to pro-Flavian puppet Herod Agrippa II, who now rules the lands of his great-grandfather Herod I the Great from fabled Jerusalem without title, carrying on an incestuous relationship with his sister Bernice, former queen of Cilicia, while trying to get the dazed Jews over the idea of Jewish independence? Caractacus dies, and Corbred I (d. 72) becomes king of the Picts. Nonfiction: Seneca the Younger (-4 to 65), Apocolcyntosis - the original Mel Gibson's Apocalypto? Art: About this time the 5-sided 5-layered Great Cameo of France sardonyx cameo is created in Rome, showing the main figures of the Julio-Claudian Dynasty incl. Augustus and Livia, Drusus the Younger and Drusus the Elder, Tiberius, Germanicus, Agrippina the Elder, Claudius and Agrippina the Younger; it ends up in the treasury of the Byzantine Empire, then the treasure of Sainte Chapelle in the 1270s under the title "Triumph of Joseph at the Court of the Pharaoh", after which Louix XVI orders it entered in the Cabinet des Medailles on May 1, 1791; too bad, it is stolen during the 1789-99 French Rev., and recovered in Amsterdam with its gold frame replaced by bronze one, only to be lost again until 1912. Architecture: About this time the stone Bridge of Nero (Pons Neronianus) is built to connect the W side of the Campus Martius with the Campus Vaticanus, replaing the wooden Via Triumphalis; the crowds must cross it to get to the Circus of Nero in modern-day Vatican City, which in 64 C.E. features Christians being executed for causing the Great Fire of Rome. Deaths: Chinese historian Ban Biao (b. 3); leaves History (Book) of the (Former) Western (Xi) Han Dynasty, which is completed by 111 by his son Ban Gu (32-92) and daughter Ban Zhao (45-116), covering from the first emperor in -206 to Wang Mang in 23. British king Caractacus (b. 10) in Rome.

Vardanes II of Parthia (-58) Gnaeus Domitius Corbulo (7-67)

55 Roman consuls: Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus and Lucius Antistius Vetus. On Feb. 11 Nero starts to show his bad side by having his adopted daddy Claudius' 14-y.-o. son Britannicus (b. 41) poisoned. Vardanes II (d. 58) wrests the throne of Parthia from his father Volgases I's hand; Gen. Gnaeus Domitius Corbulo (7-67) is given command of the East as the Legate of Cappadocia to settle the Parthian problem. Judean procurator Marcus Antonius Felix kills an Egyptian prophet planning to take Jerusalem, causing Apostle Paul to be later (56?) asked, "Are you not the Egyptian, then, who led the four thousand assassins out into the wilderness?" (Acts 21:38); did Jesus predict this, e.g., "Take heed that no one leads you astray; many will come in my name, saying I am he, and they will lead many astray" (Mark 13:4-6)? - the record last year was 91 false prophets? Apostle Paul begins his Fourth Missionary Journey (Acts 18:23-21:16) (ends 58), spending two years in the Roman province of Asia (Acts 19:10), considerable time in Troas and Macedonia (2 Cor. 1:15-23, 2:2-13), and 3 mo. in Greece (Acts 20:2-3). Nonfiction: Apostle Paul writes his First Epistle to the Corinthians in Ephesus, remaining until Pentecost, when silversmith Demetrius gets pissed-off at him for ruining his business in pagan trinkets for the worshipers of Artemis (Diana), and starts a riot against him (Acts ch. 19), causing Paul to head for Macedonia, then Troas, where he fails to hook up with Titus because the latter had been sent to Corinth to collect funds for the brothers in Judea, then heads to Macedonia, where he is joined by Titus with the Corinthians' reaction to his first epistle to them (2 Cor. 2:12-13, 7:5-7), causing him to write his Second Epistle to the Corinthians, dispatching Titus to Corinth with it, a few mo. later going there himself. Births: Greek Stoic philosopher slave Epictetus (Lat. "acquired") (d. 135) in Hierapolis, Phyrgia (modern-day Pamukkale, Turkey); starts out a slave of Nero's secy., who gives him his freedom in 68. Roman "Annals", "Histories" senator-historian Publius (Gaius) Cornelius Tacitus (d. 118) in Gallia Narbonensis?; son of Cornelius Tacitus; son-in-law of Roman gen. Gnaeus Julius Agricola (40-93). Deaths: Roman royal heir Britannicus (b. 41) on Feb. 11 in rome; poisoned by Nero.

56 Roman consuls: Quintus Volusius Saturninus and Publius Cornelius Scipio (Marcus Trebellius Maximus). Nero expels all actors from Rome, and takes control of the Aerarium (public treasury); about this time he invents flavored ices, having runners bring snow from the mountains to be flavored with honey and juices. In the days before there was a pope, or even a New Testament, men were men and maudlin women like Mary Magdalene didn't found religions? Apostle Paul returns from Macedonia to Corinth, writes his Epistle to the Romans, then takes off, giving talks at Troas and raising Eutychus from the dead, then visits Miletus to review his ministry in Asia with the Ephesus congregation (Acts 19:1-20:4, Romans 15:25-26; 2 Cor. 2:12-13; 7:57); he then visits the learned city of Mitylene (principal city of Lesbos) on the way to Jerusalem from Assos on Asia Minor, stopping after that at Chios (Acts 20:14-15) (the only place where mastic sap can be obtained); he detours from Caesarea to Cyprus to visit "an early disciple" named Mnason (Acts 21:15-17); along the way he is warned by Christians that the Jews are waiting for him in Jerusalem (Acts 21:4-14; Acts 20:22-23), and sure enough, he is mobbed, but rescued by Roman soldiers (Acts 21:26-33), mobbed again as he preaches to Jews and tells them the big no-no that he also preaches to gentiles (Acts 21:34-22:22), escapes scourging by claiming the rights of Roman citizenship, is tried before the 71-member Jewish Sanhedrin (Beth Din) (whose members must be priests, Levites, or Israelites whose daughters are permitted to marry priests) under High Priest Ananias, uses the opportunity to put the pro-resurrection liberal (mainly commoners) Pharisees (his party) against the anti-resurrection conservative (mainly priestly nobles) Sadducees, gets extradited to Caesarea, brought before procurator Felix, and accused by Ananias, Jewish elders and the orator Tertullus of sedition and profaning the temple without evidence; but instead of dismissing the charges Felix orders him held in custody (hoping for a bribe) for two years, as long as he remains in office (Acts 23:12-27:1; 24:27). Greek physician St. Luke writes the Gospel of Luke (56-58?) (80?) (90?) for a high-ranking Roman official in Caesarea, Roman capital of Palestine, after consulting many writings on Jesus, starting out "Many have undertaken to set down an orderly account of the events that have been fulfilled among us, just as they were handed on to us by those whom from the beginning were eyewitnesses and servants of the word"; the mysterious hypothetical Q (Quelle) (Source) Document (written about 80?) was consulted?

57 The 209th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus and Lucius Calpurnius Piso. Famine has caused the pop. of China to decrease drastically, from 59M in 1 C.E. to 21M this year. On Mar. 29 Han Guan Wu Di (b. -5) dies, and his 2nd son Han Ming Di (Ming Ti) (28-75) becomes Dong Han (Eastern Han) emperor #2 of China (until 75). Quintus Veranius (12-57) succeeds Aulus Didius Gallus as Roman gov. #4 of Britain (until 57), launching a campaign against the pesky Silures in Wales, then dying within a year after bragging to Nero that he could have conquered all of Wales if he had two more years. Architecture: Nero builds an amphitheater in Campus Martius in Rome. Births: Chinese Dong Han emperor #3 (-88) Zhang (Chin. "polite") Di (Da Liu) (d. 88); son of Ming Di (28-75) and consort Jia. Deaths: Chinese Dong Han emperor #1 (36-57) Guangwu (b. -5) on Mar. 29.

Poppaea Sabina (30-65) Marcus Salvius Otho (32-69) Porcius Festus

58 Roman consuls: Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus and Marcus Valerius Messala Covinus - I thought he died in the hippodrome when Ben-Hur kicked his butt? Rome begins a war with Parthia (ends 62) when its king claims Armenia for his brother; Gen. Corbulo routs the Parthians from Armenia and captures Artaxata; meanwhile Vardanes II is defeated and executed, and Vologases I regains the Parthian throne. The Hermundiri and the Chatti war in Germany. After having deserved his young faithful wife Octavia for the freedwoman Claudia Acte, he then makes Poppaea Sabina (30-65), wife of his Etruscan friend Marcus Salvius Otho (32-69) his mistress; Otho is rewarded with the province of Lusitania (SW Spain). Judean gov. Marcus Antonius Felix crushes a Jewish revolt in Caesarea, and has the Roman army hunt down Jerusalem robbers (Essenes?) in their desert hidehout; too bad, he is accused of using a dispute between the Jews and Syrians as a pretext to massacre and plunder them, but escapes punishment after the intercession of his brother Pallas, who has pull with Nero; (next year?) Porcius Festus becomes procurator of Judea in Caesarea (until 62) (just what the Jews need, a feaster on pork?); the Jews renew their charges against Apostle Paul, who is brought before Festus, who tries to induce him to return to Jerusalem for trial, but he decides to appeal to Caesar, telling him "Civis Romanus sum" (I am a Roman citizen), a native of Tarsus ("no mean city") (Acts 25:12), and he is brought before Herod Agrippa II, whom he nearly persuades to become a Christian (Acts 26) (thus besting his savior Jesus?), concluding with "Why is it thought incredible by any of you that God raises the dead?" (Acts 26:8) (just in time to stop Jehovah's judgment on the Jews); Agrippa then sends Paul to Rome in chains so that the big cheese himself can judge him (Acts 23:12-27:1).

59 - Nero chooses his poppaea over his mommy and goes bad?

The Big Cheese, Nero (-68)

59 Roman consuls: Gaius Vipstanus Apronianus and Gaius Fonteius Capito. In Mar. after being put up to it by his mistress Poppaea Sabina (30-65), pale pudgy Nero kills his mother Agrippina Minor after several tries, first trying a trick boa, then having his royal guards do it while attempting to make it look like suicide, and gets ideas about ruling by himself, ending the Five Golden Years of Nero (begun 54), as he remembers how she had told the guards to stab her in her womb first, becomes haunted by his mother's ghost while becoming ever more vain, selfish and cruel; Stoic sen. Publius Clodius Thrasea Paetus (-66) walks out of the Senate without voting after Nero's letter justifying the murder is read. Greetings, monkeys? Gaius Suetonius Paulinus (Paullinus) becomes Roman gov. #5 of Britain (until 62), continuing the campaign against the Silures of Wales and attempting to subjugate the Druids and make the Britons adopt Roman gods. Tigranocerta, capital of Armenia is captured by Roman Gen. Corbulo. Apostle Paul's prisoner ship gets caught in a gregali (northeasterly storm in the Mediterranean) and is shipwrecked on one of the five islands of Malta 60 mi. S of Sicily, and he spends the winter there before being brought to Rome, where he is allowed to live under house arrest under soldier guard, and soon meets with the principal men of the Jews, converting only a portion, then continuing to preach to visitors for two years (Acts 27:2-28:31); Epaphroditus is sent by the Christians (Chrestians?) of Philippi with a gift for Paul, working so hard that "he was ill and almost died for the work of Chrest" before Paul sends him back with a letter to quiet rumors of his serious illlness (Philippians 2:25-30, 4:18); Domitian believed that he assassinated Nero? - and I think it's going to be a long, long time until Nero brings me around again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home, no no no? Architecture: The Macellum Magnum indoor fruit-vegetable market bldg. (the world's first shopping mall?) is built on the Caelian Hill in Rome. Deaths: Roman manly woman Agrippina Minor (b. 15) on Mar. 19-23 in Baiae (murdered). Roman orator Gnaeus Domitius Afer.

60 Roman consuls: Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus (4th time) and Cossus Cornelius Lentulus. There is a financial crisis and depreciation of Roman coinage this year, along with an epidemic in Rome. Corbulo sets up Tigranes in Armenia. Iceni King Prasutagus dies, and although he leaves his kingdom jointly to his two daughters and the Roman emperor in his will, the Romans don't recognize squats, er, women as heirs and seize his territory as if already theirs, scourge Iceni regent-queen Boudicca (Boudica) (Boadicea) (Boudicea) (Buddug) (30-62) (30-62) (Gaelic word for "victory"), a 6-ft.-tall red-haired Celt babe with bodacious tatas (or should have been) (who could kick everybody's butt and was the original Ice Queen way before C.S. Lewis stole it for his Narnia series) and rape her daughters, and try to enslave her people, calling in the ex-king's large outstanding loans (he had lived like a, er, king), confiscating lands and enslaving nobles, causing her to go nonlinear and vow to kick every Roman butt out of the island, gathering a large army of eager Celts, incl. the Iceni and Trinovantes of the Londinium area, drawing inspiration from the example of Arminius of the Cherusci, picking the direction of attack by releasing a hare and invoking British goddess of victory Andraste; meanwhile the Romans appoint Catus Decianus as procurator of Roman Britain, and his "rapacity" (Tacitus) fans the flames; meanwhile in an attempt to break the power of the Celtic Druids, the Romans under Gen. Gaius Suetonius Paulinus invade the Isle of Angelesey (Mons) in Wales, and are met by a dense-packed army of men and women along with chanting Druids, whom they slaughter, only to see the women pull out torches because they were standing on a funeral pyre as a sacrifice to their gods, scaring the superstitious Romans; they go on to destroy their shrine and sacred groves, until after hearing of Boudicca's revolt, they withdraw before consolidating their conquest. Architecture: In this decade Fishbourne Roman Palace is constructed in Britain, containing a marble portrait of Nero; discovered in 1960. Sports: The Neronia, the first Greek games in Rome are established by Nero. The first Agon Neroneus athletic contest is held in Puzzuoli (#1 Roman port) on the Bay of Naples (near the Avernian Lake, AKA the entrance to Hell), where Nero appears as a gladiator, the kind that always wins. Nonfiction: In Rome St. Paul writes the first two (of three) Deutero-Pauline Epistles (with II Thessalonians), Epistle to the Ephesians, and Epistle to the Colossians (w/Timothy) (to Epaphras, who founded the Christian church in Colossae, and ran up against Gnostics?); Epistle to the Philippians (w/Timothy); Epistle to Philemon (w/Timothy) (60-61). Jerusalem-born St. Mark (translator for St. Peter?) writes The Gospel of Mark (60-65) (66-74?) in Rome, becoming the earliest surviving Gospel, from which Matthew and Luke copy?; the earliest known mss. stop at 16:8; the three become known as the Synoptic ("with one eye") Gospels, although anybody reading them has to shut both eyes at the numerous Gospel Discrepancies and Contradictions, some of which can be waved away by considering them all true, others of which can't. Births: Roman "Satires" poet Decimus Junius Juvenalis (Juvenal) (d. 140) (b. 55?) in Aquinum; pupil of Quintillian. Greek mathematician Nicomachus the Pythagorean of Gerasa (d. 120) in Gerasa, Roman Syria (modern-day Jarash, Jordan).

61 - The Ice Queen takes on the Roman Lion in Narnia, er, Britain?
Boudicca (-62)

61 The 210th Olympiad. Roman census. Roman consuls: Publius Petronius Turpilianus and Lucius Caesennius Paetus. In the fall Roman Emperor Nero sends a force of Praetorian soldiers under the command of a tribune and two centurions into Nubia, reaching the city-state of Meroe (Meroë), who give them an escort up the White Nile to the swamps of the Sudd ("barrier") in S Sudan, marking the limit of Roman penetration into Africa. Nero replaces Corbulo as Roman cmdr. of the East with inept Gen. Lucius Caesennius Paetus (20-72) - every day new faces in this sport? A commission to revise the census list and tax assessments in Gaul is headed by former consul Marcus Trebellius Maximus, Quintus Volusius Saturninus, and Titus Sextius Africanus, who despise each other, of course? In ya face, nyanyanyanya? While Roman gov. of Britain Gaius Suetonius Paulinus is off campaigning on Druid stronghold Mona (Anglesey Island) in N Wales, red-haired bodacious Iceni ice queen Boudicca (Boudica) (Boadicea) (Boudicea) (Buddug) (30-62) destroys the Roman colony of Camulodunum (Colchester) (former Trinovanti capital) and its hated temple to emperor Claudius after sieging it for two days, and routs Quintus Petillius Cerialis and his Roman legion IX Hispana sent to relive it, with only Cerialis and a few cavalry escaping, during which time Suetonius returns along Watling St. and decides to evacuate Londinium, allowing the madass Celts to burn it to the ground, followed by Veralamium (St. Albans), killing a total of 70K-80K Romans in the three cities, taking no prisoners and enjoying impaling noblewomen on spikes with their breasts sewn to their mouths while they hold parties and sacrifice to Andraste; after inviting the old and the young to watch the coming massacre in a ring of wagons at the edge of the battle, Queen Boudicca's army of 100K-230K Celtic Britons shows what amateur hillbilly rednecks they are when they are instead massacred by a regrouped (in the West Midlands) prof. Roman army of 10K (the XIV Gemina and XX Valeria Victrix legions, but not Legio II Augusta of Poenius Postumus, who ignores his call) under gov. Gaius Suetonius Paulinus at the Battle of Watling St. (High Cross, Leicestershire?) (Manduessedum near modern-day Atherstone, Warwickshire?), where the Romans line up in front of a wood and force the Celts to send wave after wave into volleys of heavy javelins (pila), after which they form a wedge and rush them, causing the Celts to flee and get hung up on the wagons, allowing the Romans to slaughter them, killing 80K Celts vs. 400 Romans, and capturing the rest, after which Big Babe Bo freaks and takes poison; coward Postumus falls on his sword when he hears of the Roman V; Nero gets the good news after planning to withdraw all Roman forces from the island, and Londinium is quickly rebuilt by the Romans; the Romans rule Britain sans resistance until 410 C.E. Nero clears and releases Apostle Paul, who begins his Fourth Missionary Journey (continues his third?), going with Timothy and Titus, leaving Timothy at Ephesus and Titus on Crete, writing letters to them from Macedonia (1 Tim. 1:3; Titus 1:5); did he visit Spain before ending up back in Rome in chains by 65 (Romans 15:24)? Somebody (Paul? Barnabas? Clement of Rome? Luke the Evangelist? Apollos? Priscilla?) writes Epistle to the Hebrews (late 63 or early 64?), introducing Christ as the high priest of the order of Melchizedek; "Men of old have handed it down as Paul's, but who wrote the Epistle God only knows" (Origen); Apostle Paul writes two of his three pastoral epistles (along with II Timothy), First Epistle to Timothy, Epistle to Titus (61-64). Apostle Luke writes Acts of the Apostles (60-62) (70-80?).

Faenius Rufus (-65) Pons Fabricius, 62

62 Roman consuls: Publius Marius Celsus and Lucius Afinius Gallus. An earthquake rocks Crete. Gaius Julius Alpinus Classicianus (-65) replaces Catus Decianus (who fled to Gaul) as procurator of Britain (until 65), and he sends Nero a message that Suetonius' punitive policies might reignite the revolt, causing him to relieve Suetonius on trumped-up charges of losing some ships, and replace him with consul Publius Petronius Turpilianus (-68) (who quit in the middle of last year) as Roman gov. #6 of Britain (until 63), who tries to conciliate the natives - women drivers, hmmph? In the fall Roman boob Gen. Paetus is badly beaten by the Parthians at the Battle of Rhandeia near the Arsanis River in Armenia, and Gen. Corbulo proposes to Nero to accept a peace without conquest, ending the war begun in 58, although the people bitterly criticize Nero and the Senate for it, which only pisses-off Nero, causing him to throw off his last advisers, poisoning Burrus and dismissing Seneca Minor, then divorce and kill his young, faithful and PC wife (since 53) Octavia (b. 39) to marry his devil ho Poppaea Sabina; Faenius Rufus (-65) becomes Praetorian prefect, later claimed by Tacitus as one of the few who do not personally profit from it; nobody left to stop him, Nero begins to rule as a total autocrat, filling his court with fawning literary and artistic figures, spending money like water; Seneca Minor retires from public life and devotes his time to philosophy; Roman sen. Publius Clodius Thrasea Paetus talks Nero out of the death sentence for praetor Antistius Sosianus, who had allegedly libelled him, reducing the sentence to banishment, after which Nero has it in for him even though he's got a lot of connections, and his son-in-law Helvidius Priscus, who was tribune of the plebs in 56. Lucceius Albinus becomes Roman procurator of Judea (until 64). Jesus the Rustic proclaims "a voice against Jerusalem" (Josephus). Women gladiators are organized by Nero - to forestall osteoporosis, or because the Celtic women have become Million Dollar Babies? St. James the Less (Just) (-62), bishop of Jerusalem (son of Alphaeus or Cleophas and the Virgin Mary's sister) writes The Epistle of James by this year, urging Jewish Christians to suffer patiently; Martin Luther (1483-1546) calls it a "right strawy" epistle, claiming that it does not preach Christ sufficiently. Apostle Peter, visiting Babylon this year and next writes The First Epistle of Peter (62-64), addressed to the persecuted Christians of Asia Minor. Architecture: After a fire destroys the wooden bridge there, the Fabricius Bridge (Pons Fabricius) across the Tiber River from the Campus Martius on the E side to Tiber Island in the middle E of Pons Cestius is built, becoming the oldest Roman bridge to survive to modern times; in the 14th cent. two marble pillars of the two-faced Roman god Janus are moved from the nearby Church of St. Gregory (Monte Savello), causing it to be called Ponte dei Quattro Capi. Births: Roman gov. of Bithynia-Pontus (109-11) Pliny the Younger (Gaius Plinius Caecilius Secundus) (d. 113); nephew of Pliny the Elder (23-79). Deaths: Jewish disciple #1 of Jesus St. Andrew the Apostle (b. 5) in Patras, Achaia; crucified on the X-shaped St. Andrew's Cross (Crux Decussata) (Saltire) at his own request after he deems himself unworthy to be crucified on a Latin cross like Jesus; the patriarch of Constantinople claims to be Andrew's apostolic successor, vs. his brother Peter Simon for the bishop of Rome (pope). Roman empress (54-62) Claudia Octavia (b. 39) on June 8 in Pandateria (executed in the bath). Roman Praetorian prefect (51-62) Sextus Afranius Burrus (b. 1) in Rome (poisoned?). Traditional year of death (beheaded?) of Christianity founder Apostle (St.) Paul (b. 5) in Rome early in the year after being imprisoned in the Mamertine Dungeon, leaving the thirteen Pauline Epistles, founding Christianity as an ultimate Weltanschauung. British amazon queen Boudicca (b. 30) (suicide). Roman Stoic satirist Persius (b. 34); leaves six Satirae on the nature of true religion, the nature of freedom, the correct use of wealth, and false taste in poetry.

63 Roman consuls: Gaius Memmius Regulus and Lucius Verginius Rufus. On Feb. 5 volcanic Mt. Vesuvius in the Gulf of Naples 5.6 mi. E of Naples erupts, causing an earthquake that severely damages Herculaneum at its NW base (5 mi. E of modern-day Naples) and Pompeii, killing 1K. The Temple of Jerusalem is finally completed, and unemployed artisans become a problem, causing Herod Agrippa II to set them to work paving the city with white stone; the Jews erect a wall blocking Agrippa's view of the temple courtyard from his palace, and on appeal of the Jews to Nero it is allowed to remain. Tiridates II, backed by Parthia claims the throne of Armenia; Corbulo invades Armenia in the spring; Tiridates sues for peace and is recognized by Rome, but must travel to receive the crown from Nero's hand to prove who's boss, which he does in 66. Vespasian receives a proconsulship in Africa. Titus becomes very ill but recovers. Marcus Trebellius Maximus (consul in 56) becomes Roman gov. #7 of Britain (until 69), replacing Publius Petronius Turpilianus, who becomes supt. of aqueducts (curator aquarum) in Rome, receiving a triumph in 65; Maximus continues the conciliation policy toward the natives, refounding Camulodunum and pumping up the trade in Londinium; too bad, he has no military experience, and pissess off the army be leaving it idle; meanwhile "even the barbarians now learned to indulge pleasant vices" (Tacitus). Trapezus (Trapezounta) (Trapezounda) (modern-day Trebizond) on the SE shore of the Black Sea becomes the (trapezoidal?) base of the Roman fleet on the Black Sea.

64 - The We Didn't Have a Plan B Original Three Dog Night Char Year? The 9/11 of Christians in ancient Rome, causing them to develop a permanent grudge and spend centuries getting even?

Nero Fiddling While Rome Burns, 64 C.E. Martial (38-103)

64 Roman consuls: Gaius Laecanius Bassus and Marcus Licinius Crassus Frugi. Nero (37-68) makes his musical debut in Naples, scandalizing the non-tone-deaf with his lewd lyre and god-awful voice, which he claims is improved by eating leeks? - please sit up front? You keep saying you got something for me, something they call love? On July 18/19 (Fri.-Sat.) (night) (the day before the dog star Sirius rises) the Great Fire of Rome begins (ends July 24), burning the city to the ground, letting Nero build a magnificent new city as a memorial to himself, just like he wanted; since the violin isn't invented until the 16th cent. C.E., he doesn't stand on top of a tower and fiddle, or sing "The Fall of Troy" while dressed in a costume and playing a lyre, but according to Tacitus is 50 mi. away at his villa in his birthplace of Antium, and rushes back to try and stop the blaze? (aw shucks, forgot to bring some water?) (admired the spectacle from a distance while reciting verses about the burning of Troy?) (not responsible, but glad it happened?); "Of the fourteen regions or quarters into which Rome was divided, four only subsisted entire, three were levelled with the ground, and the remaining seven, which had experienced the fury of the flames, displayed a melancholy prospect of ruin and desolation" - Gibbon, Ch. 16; after being himself accused of doing it, pudgy mother and wife killer Nero blames it on the pernicious new underground sect of Christians (actually Chrestians?) (suspected of witchcraft), and begins the vicious First (Neronian) Persecution of the Christians; alleged firestarter Apostle St. Paul is arrested (in Nicopolis of Epirus?) and sent to Rome for execution; "But all human efforts, all the lavish gifts of the emperor, and the propitiations of the gods, did not banish the sinister belief that the conflagration was the result of an order [by Nero]. Consequently, to get rid of the report, Nero fastened the guilt and inflicted the most exquisite tortures on a class hated for their abominations, called Chrestians by the populace. Chrestus, from whom the name had its origin, suffered the extreme penalty during the reign of Tiberius at the hands of one of our procurators, Pontius Pilatus, and a most mischievous superstition, thus checked for the moment, again broke out not only in Judæa, the first source of the evil, but even in Rome, where all things hideous and shameful from every part of the world find their center and become popular. Accordingly, an arrest was first made of all who pleaded guilty; then, upon their information, an immense multitude was convicted, not so much of the crime of firing the city, as of hatred against mankind. Mockery of every sort was added to their deaths. Covered with the skins of beasts, they were torn by dogs and perished, or were nailed to crosses, or were doomed to the flames and burnt, to serve as a nightly illumination, when daylight had expired. Nero offered his gardens for the spectacle, and was exhibiting a show in the circus, while he mingled with the people in the dress of a charioteer or stood aloft on a car. Hence, even for criminals who deserved extreme and exemplary punishment, there arose a feeling of compassion; for it was not, as it seemed, for the public good, but to glut one man's cruelty, that they were being destroyed. - Tacitus, Annals, 15.44. Pass the flamingo tongue, and watch your toga and calcei? The problem of making room neatly solved, after passing preventive regulations Nero begins the Golden House (Domus Aurea), a 200-acre villa-garden in the center of Rome, incl. the entire Palatine Hill, extending to the slopes of the Esquiline Hill, seizing land belonging to the Laterani family, which in the 4th cent. C.E. is donated by Constantine the Great to the Church and becomes the site of the Lateran; meanwhile he begins plundering Italy and the provinces to pay for it all, while pacifying the pop. of Rome with free grain distributions and expensive spectacles - it's the future of real estate? Ionian-born Gessius Florus becomes Roman procurator of Judea (until 66). Poet Martial (Marcus Valerius Martialis) (38-103) comes to Rome from Spain and becomes a client of the Spanish house of Seneca Minor, through which he finds a patron in Lucius Calpurnius Piso, writing witty epigrams for money. Traditional date of the arrival of the first Christians in China. St. Peter writes the Second Epistle of Peter. Deaths: Chinese empress Yin Lihua (b. 5).

65 - A bad year for poets, a good year for Roman tourism?

Lucius Calpurnius Piso (-65) Seneca the Younger (Minor) (-4 to 65) Seneca (-4 to 65) Statilia Messalina Santa Pudenziana

65 The 211th Olympiad; Nero postpones the Olympic Games in Olympia until 67, and makes sure he is the winner, then returns to Rome for a triumph, where he is presented with 1,808 olive branches representing the number of his wins; when his successor Galba demands that Olympia return Nero's bribe money, they refuse, instead removing the 67 games from the annals. Roman consuls: Aulus Licinius Nerva Silianus and Marcus Julius Vestinus Atticus. There is an epidemic in burned-out Rome. Early in the year Christian apostle St. Paul (b. 5) is executed in Rome as part of Nero's justice for the Great Fire of 64. The Pisonian Conspiracy against lucky charms Nero by Gaius Calpurnius Piso is discovered, causing Piso to commit suicide, and many senators and others to become the victim of Nero's vengeance, incl. his teacher Seneca Minor and the latter's nephew Lucan the poet, Praetorian prefect Faenius Rufus, and writer-friend Petronius; meanwhile Nero makes his 2nd public musical performance, this time in Rome at the 2nd Agon Neroneus, and kicks his pregnant wife Poppaea Sabina to death for being mad at him for coming home late from the circus, then proposes marriage to Claudius' other daughter Antonia, who refuses him, causing him to have her killed, after which he marries lucky Statilia Messalina (35-69) (his 3rd wife) after having her hubby killed. Jewish and Syrian residents of Caesaria riot, causing Roman procurator (64-66) Gessius Florus to commandeer money from the Jerusalem Temple treasury to combat it; Herod Agrippa II returns from Alexandria to Jerusalem to deliver a speech to dissuade the populace from revolt, but fails. Gaius Julius Alpinus Classicianus dies, and is buried in rebuilt Londinium; his tombstone is erected by his wife Julia Pacata, and ends up being refused in the medieval wall of London. After having a dream about a golden man and being told by his minister Zhong Hu that it must be da Buddha, Han Ming Di sends an 18-man delegation to Afghanistan to get the Buddhist scriptures, and they return with his golden image, 42 sutras, and two top monks. Before he dies, Apostle Paul writes The Second Epistle to Timothy; Jude, "brother of James" (half-brother of Jesus?) writes The Epistle of Jude (65-90?). Deaths: Roman statesman-philosopher-dramatist Seneca the Younger (b. -4) in Rome; commits suicide in a bath on Nero's orders; his wife attempts ditto, but is saved on Nero's orders; leaves Naturales Quaestiones (6 vols.), incl. vol. 6 On Earthquakes; "Forget all else, Lucilius, and concentrate your thoughts on this one thing: not to fear the name of death. Through long reflection make death one of your close acquaintances, so that, if the situation arises, you are able even to go out and meet it"; "One day you will die. In many ways, though, death is already present with us throughout life. First, and most obviously, there is the fact that we are, most of us, bereaved several times"; also leaves the plays Agamemnon, Medea, Phaedra (Hippolytus) et al. (9 survive): "Even while they teach, men learn"; "Time is the one loan we can never repay. Hold every hour in your grasp. Lay hold of today's task, and you will not need to repent so much on tomorrow's"; "Life is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been given to us for the highest achievements if it were all well invested. But when it is wasted in heedless luxury and spent on no good activity, we are forced at last by death’s final constraint to realize that it has passed away before we knew it was passing. So it is: we are not given a short life but we make it short, and we are not ill-supplied but wasteful of it. Just as when ample and princely wealth falls to a bad owner it is squandered in a moment, but wealth however modest, if entrusted to a good custodian, increases with use, so our lifetime extends amply if you manage it properly." Jewish Christian apostle St. Paul (b. 5) early in the year in Rome (executed as part of Nero's justice for the Great Fire of 64); dies after founding Christianity, based on alleged visions of Jesus Christ, claiming that he was predicted in the Jewish Old Testament writings of Isaiah et al., but seemingly never having seen any Gospels?; before he dies he writes The Second Epistle to Timothy. Roman empress Poppaea Sabina the Younger (b. 30) in Rome (miscarriage?). Roman poet Lucan (b. 39); commits suicide after conspiring to assassinate Nero, leaving his pacifist work Pharsalia (the Civil War between Caesar and Pompey).

66 - The Give Them Jews a Cigar Year? The first 666, and it's only 66.6% of the right number of 6s? Don't Talk Back to a Copper, or, The Rulings are Real, the Cases are Real, Judge Judah? There's More to Criminal Justice Than Just Catching Them and Helping the People They Hurt? The Jews Commit Hari-Hari While the Christians Say I Told You So, Jesus Predicted It All 30-40 Years Earlier?

Tiridates I Arshakouni of Armenia Gaius Petronius Arbiter (-26 to 66) Fortress of Masada White Horse Temple, 66

66 Roman consuls: Gaius Luccius Telesinus and Gaius Suetonius Paulinus. On Jan. 26 Halley's Comet reaches perihelion passage. In the spring Roman procurator (64-66) Gessius Florus seizes 17 talents of back taxes from the Jewish Second Temple, then some joker Roman soldier moons the Jews who are preparing to celebrate the Feast of Unleavened Bread, another tears up the Torah and throws it into the fire, and/or another joke empties a chamberpot outside a synagogue in Judea, defiling the holy ground, all causing a riot, which escalates into the 6.66, er, 8-year First Jewish-Roman War (Revolt) (ends 74), beginning the Jewish Roman Wars (ends 136) after the fanatical Jewish Sicarii (Lat. "dagger men") (Acts 21:38) swarm into Jerusalem and slaughter the Roman garrison, then declare Judea independent of Rome, halting the hated Temple sacrifices to the Roman emperor; smart-pretty Herod Agrippa II sides with Rome; the Sicarii wipe out the Roman garrison at the Dead Sea fortress of Masada (Heb. "fortress"); in early Nov. Gaius Cestius Gallus (-67), Roman legatus Augusti of Syria (since 63) marches 30K troops S from Ptolemais on the coast W of the Sea of Galilee, conquering Beit She'arim in the Jezreel Valley (seat of the Great Sanhedrin), and arriving in Jerusalem during the Festival of Booths (Oct. 22-28), camping on Mount Scopus before being attacked by the Jews when they come within 50 furlongs, then pushing them back into the city, after which the Romans enter the city on Nov. 5, undermining the temple wall in six days, then suddenly (with no apparent reason?) withdrawing toward the coast and resting in Emmaus, with the Zealots ("as though they were zealous in the cause of virtue and not for vice in its basest and most extravagant form" - Josephus), led by Jewish priest (one of the guardians of the Temple treasure) Eleazar ben Simon in hot pursuit for seven days, defeating and almost annihilating Roman Legio XII Fulminata at Beth-horon (Beit-horon), killing 5K+ Romans, then surrounding the rest of the army in a ravine and destroying most of its men and material before the remnant escapes to Antioch, after which Gallus dies early next year, and is succeeded by Gaius Licinius Mucianus (until 69); the happy Jews, believing that they have won their independence coin silver shekels with the inscription "Jerusalem the Holy" and "The Freedom of Jerusalem", with this year considered as Year 1 (the original 666?); before returning to Jerusalem the Zealots force the remaining Jewish pop. to join their revolt, but not before the pesky Christians take Jesus' advice: "When you catch sight of the disgusting thing standing in a holy place, then let those in Judea begin fleeing to the mountains" (Matt. 24:15-16, Mark 13:14-19, Luke 21:20-24), and flee E to Pella in the mountains across the Jordan River; after Zealot leader Eleazar ben Simon allies with priest Zacharias (son of Amphikalles) against peace-lover high priest Ananias, the latter is murdered by a Jewish mob while hiding out in an aqueduct - did Jeezy really forsee the wars in Gaul (39-40), N Africa (41), Britain (43, 60), and Armenia (58-62), the earthquakes in Rome (54), Pompeii (62), Asia Minor (63, 62) and Crete (62), the famines in Rome, Greece, and Egypt (42) and Judea (46), the pestilences in Babylonia (40) and Rome (60, 65), and the false prophets in Judea (c. 56), and therefore the Good News (Gospels) (Matt. ch. 24, Mark ch. 13, Luke ch. 21) merely report his actual words, or did they make it all up after it happened and put the words in his mouth to make him seem like ickle me, pickle me, tickle me too, you know what in a flying shoe, I wish I knew? Call me Mister Nero? In May-June Nero assumes the praenomen "Imperator"; too bad, Gen. Vespasian bows to Somnus and falls asleep during one of Nero's recitals, and flees in fear of his lifey life life - never piss-off an autolatrist? Nero formally coronates Tiridates I Arshakouni (-88) as sole ruler of Armenia; meanwhile (St.) Thaddeus (allegedly the Apostle Jude or Judas Thaddaeus, as proved by being in possession of the lance which pierced Jesus' side on the cross) establishes the earliest Christian church in a pagan land, Armenia - home of Noah's Ark? Publius Clodius Thrasea Paetus (-66), the Stoic Sen. who led the anti-Nero Senate faction is condemned to death on treason charges by the Senate after Nero forces them into it because he "at last yearned to put Virtue itself to death", but he gets the news and commits suicide first; meanwhile his son-in-law Thrasea Paetus is banished from Rome (until 68) for allegedly declaring sympathy with Brutus and Cassius. Architecture: Chinese emperor Ming Di orders the construction of the White Horse Temple 3 li (7 mi.) W of Luoyang, named for the horse that carried back the Buddhist sutras, becoming the first Buddhist temple in China; this year or last the emperor's half-brother Prince Liu Ying of Chu (-71) (son of emperor Guangwu of Han) becomes the first noble Chinese Buddhist. Births: Christian bishop of Smyrna (SW Asia Minor) (St.) Papias (d. 140). Deaths: Roman satirist and Nero's arbiter elegantiae (master of taste) Gaius Petronius Arbiter (b. -26) in Cumae (suicide); in his will he leaves Nero the work The Satyricon, a vulgar free-day-at-the-zoo satire of Caligula, about Encolpius and his 16-y.-o. catamite Giton, who get tangled up with Priapus devotee Quartilla and her maids, then have dinner with rich freeman Agamemnon at the estate of upstart Syrian Trimalchio, where drunken Encolpius is seduced by Asclytos, then shoot the bull with old poet Eumolpus and his servant Corax, and have other erotic adventures, ending with a discussion of leather dildos, anal sex, and cannibalism.

Titus Flavius Josephus (37-101) St. Peter (1 to 67) Crucifixion of St. Peter (1 to 67) Pope St. Linus (-76) St. Ignatius of Antioch (35-117) Statue of Nero in Corinth, 67

67 Roman consuls: Fonteius Capito and Lucius Julius Rufus. Early in the year after Gaius Licinius Mucianus fails to put down the pesky Jewish revolt, Nero grants Vespasian a special command in the East (three legions, 60K men) with the task of ending Jewish Revolt, and he and hon Titus land in Ptolemais and reconquer Galilee, starting with a 47-day siege of Jotapata (Yodfat), defended by Jewish forces led by Gen. Josephus (Joseph ben Matityahu) (37-101), which ends with the sack of the town and death or enslavement of the inhabitants (2nd bloodiest battle of the revolt), and the capture of Josephus, who deserts to the Romans (telling a wild tale about being holed-up with his fellow Jews in a cave and all agreeing to commit hari-kari, with himself somehow becoming the last man standing and chickening out?), and becomes friendly with Agrippa II, claiming that the Jewish Messianic prophecies refer to Vespasian, gaining him his freedom in 69, after which he assumes the emperor's family name of Flavius (Titus Flavius Josephus); this gives the Jewish rebels time to complete Agrippa II's Wall (the Third Wall) around Jerusalem; the Romans win the naval Battle of the Sea of Galilee, and 37K Jewish POWs are held in a stadium in Caesarea (on the coast S of Ptolemais) for sale as slaves; Idumea is assigned its own cmdrs. In spring-summer Nero makes an artistic tour of Greece, in the course of which he enters several Olympic contests accompanied by 5K bodyguards, and wins every event, never failing to receive applause as the #1 poet, philosopher, actor, and musician of all time; along the way he orders Roman gen. Corbulo to commit suicide, and executes two ex-legates of Germany; later in the year he begins the Corinth Canal through the Isthmus of Corinth (from the W side) with 6K Jewish slaves, ceremonially beginning the work with a golden shovel, and having a slimmed-down statue of his pudgy self erected there, which survives to modern times; when he dies it remains unfinished, and is not finished until after the invention of dynamite (1893) - how would it have changed history? The misty dawnings of Christianity as YAWMC (yet another white man's club)? On June 27 after appointing converted pagan (St.) Evodius (d. 69) as Christian bishop #2 of Antioch (until 69), St. Peter (b. -1), prince of the Christian apostles arrives in Rome, becoming the alleged first bishop of Rome (pope #1), and doesn't last long before being crucified; before dying in the modern-day Trastevere section W of the Tiber River S of the Vatican on the site of the later Church of Santa Maria in Trastevere, he allegedly founds the Church of Santa Pudenziana, the oldest Christian church in Rome; after watching his wife (Vagina?) die, Peter begs to be crucified upside down so he won't be confused with his savior? (instead he is confused with the first pope? How convenient they are both out of the way before the fall of Rome in 70?); (St.) Linus (-76) becomes the alleged Christian bishop #2 of Rome (pope #2), going on to forbid women to enter a church with their heads uncovered (very Jewish of him?), and creating the first 15 bishops (all male) - did they really have bishops back then, or did this function arise much later, corrupting pure Christianity, which relied on a government by elders not bishops, after which they attempted to rewrite history, beginning the Church's downward slide? Nero appoints Gaius Licinius Mucianus (d. 76) as gov. of Syria - where his friend Vespianus never leaves his behind? A riot takes place in the amphitheater of Pompeii in S Italy during a gladiatorial contest with fans from the neighboring city of Nuceria, causing many injuries and deaths, after which authorities order it closed for 10 years. Britannia having been pacified, Roman Legion XIV Gemina is withdrawn, but the lack of opportunities for booty makes the remaining legions restless, leading to mutinies; meanwhile Roman gov. Marcus Trebellius Maximus feuds with Marcus Roscius Coelius, cmdr. of XX Valeria Victris, weakening his authority. Deaths: Jewish Christian apostle St. Peter (b. 1) on Vatican Hill in Rome; crucified upside-down at his request since he considers himself unworthy to be crucified rightside-up like Jesus.

68 - The Royal Shove Keep the Music Alive You Don't Only Look Like a Monkey You Smell Like One Too Year? Tacitus say, "Emperors could be made elsewhere than at Rome"? Nero's audience finally boos him off the stage?

Gaius Julius Vindex (37-69) Roman Emperor Galba (-3 to 69) Lucius Clodius Macer (-68) Jewish Shekel, 68

68 Roman consuls: Publius Galerius Trachalus and Tiberius Catus Asconius Silius Italicus. Nero banishes Libyan Stoic philosopher Lucius Annaeus Cornutus from Rome for dissing his proposed history of Rome in heroic verse, and he is never heard of again; he leaves De Figuris Sententiarum, On Rhetoric, Commentary on the Categories of Aristotle, On Properties, De Enuntiatione vel Orthographia, and Theologiae Graecae Compendium (Compendium of Greek Theology) (his only work to survive to modern times), an attempt to discover the earliest Greek beliefs by forced etymology and Stoic interpretation of the names and titles of the gods, concluding that the world has a soul who preserves it called Zeus, who dwells in a fiery Heaven, whose power pervades everything, and who assigns a Fate to each person, and who sends us Reason (Logos), and who never works evil because it's part of the divine Reason of the Universe, and "Ocean is the Logos that glides swiftly and changes continuously, whereas Tethys is the stability of the qualities, for from their mixing come about those things that exist, and nothing would exist if either one unmixed gains the upper hand." On his return from Greece, Nero hears that Gaius Julius Vindex (37-69), legate of Gallia Lugdunensis (C France) is leading a revolt; Lucius Verginius Rufus (14-97), legate of Upper Germany puts down the revolt, and Vindex is killed; Rufus refuses to be saluted as imperator (emperor) by his troops; meanwhile in Mar. 72-y.-o. Spaniard Servius Sulpicius Galba (-3 to 69) is saluted as emperor by the two legions in Hispania Tarraconensis (Spain), and marches on Rome, where the Praetorian Guard under Praetorian prefect (since 62) Gaius Nymphidius Sabinus (35-68) forces the resignation of the other prefect Tigellinus and recognizes him, causing the Senate to reject Nero and declare him a public enemy. In May more troops revolt under Lucius Clodius Macer, propraetor of Africa, cutting off Rome's food supply, but after Galba, who put him up to it, gets suspicious that he's trying to become emperor when he raises a second legion, he has him killed in Oct. by procurator Trebonius Garutianus with the help of Macer's own centurion Papirus. On June 9 after fleeing his Golden House, Roman emperor (since 54) Nero (b. 37) commits suicide in a villa outside Rome by having his servant stab him (last words: "What an artist is lost", "Too late! This is fidelity"); meanwhile in Oct.-Nov. after Nymphidius hears about the assassination of Macer in Africa and gets nervous, he attempts to have himself declared emperor, claiming to be the illegitimate son of Caligula and first cousin of Nero, but is killed by his own soldiers when they hear of the approach of Galba, who becomes Roman emperor #6; the dynasty of Augustus (Julio-Claudian line) comes to an end, slowing the Roman attack on Israel down; Vespasian sends his son Flavius Sabinus Vespasianus Titus (39-81) to Rome to congratulate the new emperor, and Herod Agrippa II accompanies him; the orator Quintilian accompanies Galba to Rome from Spain (where he had returned after the death of his teacher Afer in 59), becoming famous and working his way into the hearts of the emperors; on his way to Rome, Galba has former British gov. Publius Petronius Turpilianus summarily executed as a Nero man; meanwhile Helvidius Priscus returns from banishment and tries to get his father-in-law's accuser Eprius Marcellus impeached, but gives up after too many others would have to be impeached also. The Celtic Gallic Helvetii in Switzerland under Claudius Severus and Julius Alpinus support Galba in the emperor dispute, and when they fail to learn of his death and refuse to accept the authority of his rival Vitellius, Legio XXI Rapax stationed in Vindonissa steals the pay of a Helvetian garrison, causing them to capture a Roman detachment, after which Galba supporter Aulus Caecina Alienus (questor of Hispania Baetica) crushes the Helvetii at the Battle of Mount Vocetius, killing and enslaving thousands, and executing pesky culprit Julius Alpinus in Aventicum (in W Switzerland on the road between Britain and Italy near modern-day Avenches), turning the town into an official colonia in 72, launching a golden age; only Vitellius' envoy Claudius Cossus saves them from total annihilation; either way, the Helvetii as a force are kaput, which doesn't stop the Swiss from loving to use their name? Even at this early date, there are dorks and hippies running around in the Jewish part of the Roman empire? Rebel Jerusalem is rocked by rival factions, causing the city grain reserves to be destroyed, the area surrounding the temple to be leveled, and 20K to be killed, causing Vespasian to delay his advance to the city, saying "God acts as a Roman general better than I do; our enemies are destroying one another with their own hands"; meanwhile the Mediterranean seaport of Jaffa (Joppa) 50 mi. NW of Jerusalem is destroyed by the Romans - after St. Peter resurrected Dorcas (Tabitha) ("Gazelle") (only known female disciple) there in 36 C.E. (Acts 9:36-43)? The mystery of the century? The 4K-member Qumran (Essene) community (Khirbet Qumran) (known for wearing white robes and working as healers) is destroyed by the Roman 10th Legion; as they approach, the monks hide the 1K the Dead Sea Scrolls in caves around the Dead Sea (discovered in 1947), incl. their Manual of Discipline, which shows that the Essene brothers lived austere lives of poontang-free purity under a 12-man leadership, followed the Teacher of Righteousness, and practiced baptism as they followed "The Way" in their struggle between the forces of Light and Darkness - were John the Baptist and/or Jesus and/or the true founders of Christianity really into the Essene Scene, and it's a coverup? After the death of St. Peter, St. Mark allegedly travels to Alexandria, founding the Catechetical School of Alexandria (Didascalium) and writing the Secret Gospel of Mark, containing "a more spiritual Gospel for the use of those who were being perfected", reserved for "those who are being initiated into the great mysteries", whose existence is revealed in 1958 by Morton Smith of Columbia U., along with a Fragment of the Gospel of Mark About the Raising of Lazarus (which is otherwise only found in the Gospel of John) that was deliberately suppressed by Bishop Clement of Alexandria to fight the senses-satiating Gnostic Carpocratians, founded by Carpocrates of Alexandria in the early 2nd cent.; it incl. the homoerotic text: "And after six days, Jesus told him what to do, and in the evening the youth came to him wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the kingdom of God. And thence arising, he returned to the other side of the Jordan."

69 - The Year of the Four Emperors (Galba, Otho, Vitellius, Vespasian), or, Mean, Meaner, Meanerer and Meanest?

Roman Emperor Otho (32-69) Roman Emperor Vitellius (15-69) Roman Emperor Vespasian (9-79) Marcus Antonius Primus (30-82) Gaius Julius Civilis

69 The 212th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Servius Sulpicius and Titus Vinius Rufinus. The Year of the Four Emperors sees the Roman Empire eat itself alive; on Jan. 1 the eight Roman legions on the Rhine refuse allegiance to Galba, and on Jan. 3 the four in lower Germany salute legate Aulus Vitellius (15-69) as emperor, followed by the other four; on Jan. 1 Galba adopts as his successor and deputy emperor the handsome, well-bred aristocrat Lucius Calpurnius Piso Frugi Piso Licinianus (38-69), passing over Nero's friend from Lusitania (SW Spain) Marcus Salvius Otho (32-69) for having as bad a character as Nero, which pisses him off, causing him to gain the support of the Praetorian Guard and have Galba hacked to death in the street by scores of soldiers on Jan. 15, after which the helpless Senate recognizes him as Roman emperor #7; Piso escapes to the temple of the Vestal Virgins, but is discovered, dragged outside and killed on Jan. 15, after which Otho ransoms his severed head to his widow Verania for a large sum, and 120 people claim credit for killing Galba and/or Licinianus, ending up with their names on a list that gets discovered by Vitellius, who has them all executed; meanwhile the 70K troops of rival emperor Vitellius (gov. of Germania Inferior) march on Italy in two divs. under Fabius Valens (-69) (cmdr. of Legio I Germanica in Germania Inferior, who incited Vitellius to revolt) and Aulus Caecina Alienus (-79) (a former supporter of Galba, known for his good looks and oratorial skills, who switched to Vitellius after being caught embezzling public funds); on Apr. 16 after Otho's chief gen. Gaius Suetonius Paulinus (the dude who kicked Boudicca's butt in 61) defeats Caecina near Cremona, Caecina and Valens hook up and defeat Otho at the First Battle of Bedriacum (20 mi. from Cremona in N Italy), causing him to commit suicide, and the Senate to immediately recognize (notice the new title) Aulus Vitellius Germanicus (15-69) as Roman emperor #8; Titus returns to his father Vespasian in Israel, and Herod Agrippa II continues to Italy to meet the new emperor or emperors; on July 1 Vitellius enters Rome, and the same day Judean legate (son of an Italian tax collector) Vespasian is saluted as emperor by the Roman legions in Egypt under the command of Egyptian prefect Tiberius Julius Alexander, a rich Jew from Alexandria (nephew of philosopher Philo Judaeus of Alexandria) (a Jew, and therefore a Jewish plot?), and his Judean legions support him, followed by the Syrian legions under legate Gaius Licinius Mucianus, and the Danubian legions led by Pannonian 7th legion cmdr. Marcus Antonius Primus (30-82); Caecina flops against Vitellian, and is imprisoned by his own soldiers when he tries to talk them into joining Vespasian, then taken into Vespasian's favor after he becomes emperor, only to end up being executed by Titus next year for conspiring against Vespasian; on Oct. 24 the Second Battle of Bedriacum is won by Vespasian's forces, who cream (sack) Cremona; as Primus' army approaches Rome, another army sent by Vitellius to fight them defects on Dec. 17, Vespasian's brother seizes the capitol, which gets burnt in the struggle, and on Dec. 22 Vitellius is slain in the bitter street battle (dragged through the streets and murdered by his own troops?), and the Senate immediately recognizes Vespasian (Titus Flavius Vespasianus) (9-79) as Roman emperor #9, who all this time runs the show from the sidelines in Judea, and now goes to Rome, leaving son Titus to finish off the rebel Jews at Jerusalem (and keep his promise to the music that he loves?; the Vitamin B and bioflavinoid-enriched Flavian Dynasty begins (ends 96). In the spring Simon (Simeon) bar (ben) Giora ("son of a proselyte") (-70) from Idumea (the hated Edomites), after joining up with the Sicarii at Masada is allowed by Eleazar ben Simon to enter Jerusalem with 40K combined troops, ruling as a king (also claiming to be the Jewish Messiah?), and becoming the rival of John of Gischala (Johannes ben Levi), a Galilean who started out commanding a Jewish army, until gen. Josephus flopped, and now is his bitter enemy, and now also rules like a king with his 6K men, getting a layman named Phannias ben Samuel chosen by lot as the last Jewish high priest (only Jewish high priest to be democratically elected). The black Saharan Berber-speaking Garamantes in Libya (known for their extensive underground irrigation system) war with Rome. The British legion of XX Valeria Victrix under Marcus Roscius Coelius mutinies and forces Roman gov. Marcus Trebellius Maximus to flee, and after "escaping to a hiding place, was then allowed, at the cost of shame and humiliation to govern on sufferance. They arranged between them that the army should enjoy itself but should spare its general's life. So the mutiny came to an end without bloodshed" (Tacitus); Coelius then sends units to fight for Vitellius, who while he's still emperor appoints Marcus Vettius Bolanus as Roman gov. #8 of Britain (until 71), returning Legio XIV Gemina to Britain with him to punish them for siding with Otho. Seeing their chance, the Germanic Batavians (Batavi) (ancestors of the modern-day Dutch), who settled around 50 C.E. in the Rhine Delta in Roman Belgica, led by native cmdr. Gaius Julius Civilis revolt against Rome and gain the support of some legions in Germany, causing the uprising to spread to Gaul, which toys with the idea of an independent kingdom; the Gallic Treveri under Julius Classicus and Julius Tutor, and the Lingones under Julius Sabinus join in. A big fire on the Capitoline Hill in Rome caused by the followers of Vitellius burning the Temple of Capitoline Jupiter destroys the archives - incl. all secular evidence of the existence of Jesus Christ? St. Evodius dies, and (St.) Ignatius of Antioch (35-117) becomes Christian bishop #3 of Antioch (until 117). Births: Roman biographer-historian Gaius Suetonius Tranquillus (d. 140) in Hippo Regius (Annaba, Algeria); son of Suetonius Laetus. Christian bishop Polycarp of Smyrna (d. 156); becomes a Christian at an early age; hand-picked by his teacher St. John? Deaths: Roman emperor #8 Vitellius (b. 15) on Dec. 22 in Rome (murdered); last words: "Yet I was once your emperor." Roman emperor Marcus Salvius Otho (b. 32) on Apr. 16 in Rome (suicide).

70 - The See the Gas Fire from the Inside by Jove Year? The year on which Christianity and its Millennium Fever is all built? Or, Why does the Latin alphabet have no J, U, or W?

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, killing the prophets and stoning those who are sent to you! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not! Behold, your house is forsaken and desolate. For I tell you, you will not see me again, until you say, 'Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord'." - Matt. 23:37-9

"Truly, I say to you, there will not be left here one stone upon another, that will not be thrown down." - Mark 13:2

Roman Emperor Titus Flavius Vespasianus (39-81) Golden Arches Second Jewish Temple Jewish Priest Jewish Sacrifice Steak Chef The Second Jewish Temple Destroyed, 70 C.E. The Wailing Wall in Jerusalem Temple of Jupiter, Baalbek Heron of Alexandria (10-70) Heron's Steam Engine

70 Roman consuls: Titus Flavius Vespasianus Junior and Senior. At the beginning of the year the Jewish pop. in Judea is 2.5M, plus 4M outside Judea in the Jewish Diaspora, representing 10% of the pop. of the Roman Empire, with as high as 25% in some eastern cities; all still pay the annual Jerusalem Temple tax; Jerusalem reaches a peak in size and pop. at the end of the Second Temple Period, when the city covers 2 sq. km (0.8 sq mi.) and has a pop. of 200K; an oracle that a Jew will become ruler of the world pumps them up? Adverse winds delay grain shipments from Africa and Egypt to Rome, causing a bread shortage; the city requires eight ships carrying 1K tons each per week. On Apr. 14 (Nisan 14) (right before Passover) four Roman legions (80K soldiers) (V Macedonica, XII Fulminata, XV Apollinaris, X Fretensis) under Vespasian's son Titus Flavius Vespasianus (39-81) and his wily Alexandrian Jewish 2nd in command (procurator of Judea in 46-48 and prefect of Egypt in 66-9) Tiberius Julius Alexander, along with Jewish turncoat gen. Josephus arrive in Jerusalem, trapping the pop. inside the city along with the pilgrims and refugees after allowing them to enter to celebrate Passover; King Malichus II of Nabataea (-70) (S Jordan) sends 5K horse and 1K soldiers to help Titus; on Apr. 21 the Romans begin a full-scale assault concentrating on the Third Wall in the NW, which collapses on May 6 (Iyar 6); on May 11 (Iyar 12) they breach the Second Wall and begin circumvallating the city, cutting down all trees within 15 km (90 stadia) and build a 4.5-mi.-long wall of pointed stakes around the city, just like Jeezy allegedly predicted in Luke 19:43-44 ("Your enemies will build around you a fortification with pointed stakes and will encircle you and distress you from every side, and dash you to the ground, you and your children within your wombs, and they will not leave one stone upon another, all because you did not recognize the time of your visitation"); the siege strips all fruit trees, causing a famine, which is compounded by the scrappy Jews destroying each other in a civil war between the Zealots, led by Eleazar ben Simon (-70) (who occupy the inner court of the Temple), an opposing group of 6K led by John of Gischala (Johannes ben Levi), and the extremist dagger-wielding contract-killer Sicarii ("dagger-men"), led by Simon (Simeon) bar (ben) Giora ("son of a proselyte") (-71) (cmdr. of the Idumeans), who begin dressing in women's clothing and walking the streets to kill men for sport; Simon finally defeats John in a siege on the Temple, pulling some of his men out and forming a new faction, after which citizens have to climb over corpses in the Temple to offer their sacrifices; on May 20/21 a "certain prodigious and incredible phenomenon" is allegedly seen, consisting of chariots and troops in the clouds; on June 4 (Sivan 6) (Shavuot), priests in the Temple feel a quaking and hear "a sound of a great maltitude saying, 'Let us remove hence'"; on July 14 (Tammuz 17) sacrifices in the Temple cease forever; on July 20 the Romans capture the Fortress of Antonia N of the Temple, and set fire to a cloister, while the Zealots draw them into street fighting; meanwhile the Romans encircling the Holy City of Jehovah let it starve down to cannibalism, capturing any escapees and crucifying them for those inside the city to see, while letting others gorge until their stomachs burst? (a fulfillment of Deuteronomy 28:53-7)?); on Aug. 3 they break through into the inner courtyards, where 6K Jewish Zealots are waiting to fight to the death while being hamstrung by having to observe the purity laws and stay in their apprpriate places, leaving the priests to defend the Temple bldg.; finally on Aug. 4 after a 142-day siege (Nisan 14 to Elul 7) they storm it, batter down the N wall, work their way to the temple and massacre the desperate defenders, then set fire to it; Jerusalem falls in the summer; the Second Temple of Jehovah (Jerusalem) burns on the 10th day of the month Av (Aug. 4), then is torn apart stone by stone Roman soldiers of the 10th Legion Fretensis (of the Sea Strait) to get at melted gold and silver, who fail to find 50 tons of holy relics, incl. the temple's golden candelabrum et al., which remains a mystery until modern times; Herod Agrippa II returns from Rome just in time to see Jerusalem fall; the entire city is levelled by order of Titus, with the exception of the three great towers of Phasaelis, Hippicus, and Miramne; 1M-1.3M are killed (1.1M according to Josephus), and 97K Jewish POWs are taken (a fulfillment of Luke 21:23-24?), some being later used to build the Roman Colosseum and the Forum of Peace; Phannias den Samuel is killed during the destruction of the Temple; Simon bar Giora hides out in an underground cavern with his men, but when they fail to dig an escape passage and their supplies run out, he surfaces on the burned-out Temple Mount wearing a white frock and purple cloak, hoping to wow the supersititous Romans and walk away, only to be captured by Temple Mount capt. Terentius (Titus Arinius) Rufus, and later hurled down the Tarpeian Rock in Rome; Rufus has a plough drawn over the former temple courts to signify that it will never be rebuilt but will only be used for agricultural purposes; pesky John of Giscala is taken to Rome and sentenced to life in priz, with some modern scholars claiming he is the author of the Book of Revelation; Judea is depopulated of Jews, the worst tragedy in Jewish history until ?; the original Jewish religion ceases to exist, as there is no longer a temple or priesthood with sacrifices, and the genealogical records used to prove eligibility are destroyed, causing the remaining Jews to dummy-up a makeshift version, and mourn the loss of the Temple by wearing black, breaking a glass at weddings, and other tokens, while hoping, dreaming and plotting to rebuild it, meanwhile living in a zonked state of mind since they are all technically dying in their sins, unable to get the BBQ pits going at the Holy Golden Arches and sacrifice bulls, goats, etc.; meanwhile the Christian cult experiences a giant boost, since it can now claim that Jehovah had the Temple destroyed to punish the Jews for rejecting his son Jesus 40 years earlier, and has therefore done an Ahnuld and "called it a divorce" and given the Jewish birthright to Christians in their place (like when Esau sold his birthright for a pot of lentil stew?), and that all "gentiles" (originally the descendants of the Roman gens, but coming to mean anybody) can become the new chosen people ("spiritual Jews") if they accept Jesus as their savior and sacrificial lamb presented in a spiritual temple for their sins, the physical one no longer being needed any more than the obsolete Jewish Law and its impossible rules and regulations; in Jehovah's cosmic poetic justice, the ignorant Romans, in killing off the Jewish people and religion and quelling the pesky Christians, have actually opened their empire to takeover by the new improved spiritual Jews that can use the roads, Pax Romana, common Greek Koine language et al. to their advantage (what a heady feeling?); ruined Jerusalem becomes the barracks of the Roman Legion X Fretensis, commanded by Trajan's father Marcus Ulpius Traianus (30-99), and no civilians live there for 60 years; the center of Jewish community leadership and scholarship moves to Javneh (Yavne) (Jabnah) (Jamnia) in C Israel, where the Sanhedrin (High Court) Era of Judaism begins (ends 640), and the term silly rabbit, er, rabbi is first used for Hillel's student Yochanan (Yohanan) ben Zakkai (30-90), who escaped from Jerusalem in a coffin, then founds a school there with the permission of Emperor Vespasian, and makes it the HQ of the Sanhedrin, which begins work on the Mishna (Mishnah) (Heb. "study and review"), a redaction into writing of the Oral Torah; the Tannaitic Rabbinic School of Palestine begins (ends 300); the use of the Greek Septuagint trans. of the Hebrew Bible by the new Christian cult soon causes Jews to discontinue its use as the reconstituted Pharisee leadership bans Christian Jews from their worship; Herod Agrippa II and his sister-lover Bernice move to Rome, where he is given the office of praetor; a special annual tax of two drachmas is levied on all Jews until the year 361; the whole story of Titus' tour of Palestine, ending with his coming to Jerusalem, his siege and capture and destruction of it is manufactured by the insidious Flavian emperors into the story of Jesus in the Gospels in order to divert support from real but violent Messianic Messiahs? On July 14 emperor (since -30) Suinin (b. -69) dies at age 139 after a reign of almost 100 years, and his son Keiko (Keikou) (-17 to 130) becomes Japanese Yamato emperor #12 (until 130) - with longevity like that, they don't need Christ? In Oct. Vespasian returns to Rome to give thanks to Jupiter Optimus Maximus for helping him kick Jehovah's butt, and new praetor Helvidius Priscus proposes that although the financing should be left to the discretion of the Senate, the Temple of Jupiter, which had been destroyed in the civil war should be restored at public expense; too bad, he salutes Vespasian by his private name and never recognizes him as emperor in his edicts. The Romans under Gen. Petilius (Petillius) Cerealis (near relative of Vespasian) defeat Julius Civilis at the Battle of Augusta Treverorum (Trier) in N Gaul (capital of the province of Belgica), and bring Gaul back into submission; from now on Roman auxiliaries are not employed in the country of their origin, and the Praetorian Guards are limited to native Italians, which makes the army less of a threat to the line of succession but gives it the potential of growing ever more provincial, making it a greater ultimate threat? Sextus Iulius (Julius) Frontinus (40-103) suppresses a revolt in the Rhineland, receiving the surrender of 70K Lingones. Malichus II dies, and Rabel II (d. 105) becomes the last king of the Nabataeans. Venutius leads a 2nd revolt of the Brigantes in Britain against Rome, and after gov. Marcus Vettius Bolanus can only send Queen Cartimandua some auxiliaries, she is evacuated, leaving the kingdom to Venutius; meanwhile Rome establishes control of the British plain S of the Humber and Mersey Rivers - so ferry cross the Mersey cause this here's the land I love, and here I'll stay? Buddhist Western Kshatrapa satrap Bhumaka (-119) establishes Scythian power on the NW coast of the Deccan in India, becoming the father of Nahapana. The Romans build the small Duroliponte Fort on Castle Hill near modern-day Cambridge, England on the Cam River 50 mi. N of London (modern-day pop. 131K/280K), which becomes a town in about 120; after the Romans leave Britain in 410, the Anglo-Saxons begin occupying it, founding Grantebrycge (Granta-bridge) on the border between East Anglia and Middle Anglia; in 875 the Vikings occupy it, causing the pop. to grow, shifting from Castle Hill on the left bank to Quayside on the right bank; in the 10th cent. the Saxons return to power, striking coins calling the town "Grant"; in 1068 William I the Conqueror builds a castle on Castle Hill; the first town charter is granted by Henry I in 1120-31, giving it a monopoly on waterborne traffic and tolls; in 1209 Cambridge U. is founded by students running from hostile townsfolk in Oxford; the Romans build their first vineyard irrigation system in Britain around Duroliponte. Architecture: About this time the Roman Temple of Jupiter in Baalbek, Syria in the Bekaa Valley (50 mi. NE of Damascus) is completed, featuring the largest stone block construction and tallest columns ever constructed. Nonfiction: The Greek Epistle of Barnabas is written about this time (70-132) by Barnabas of Alexandria (?); the companion of Apostle Paul who got him welcomed into the apostolic community is a Cypriot Jew. Births: Greek geographer-mathematician (founder of mathematical geography) Marinus of Tyre (d. 130) in Tyre. Greek mathematician-astronomer (founder of spherical trigonometry) Menelaus of Alexandria (d. 130) in Alexandria. Deaths: Japanese Yamato emperor #11 (-30 to 70) Suinin (b. -69) on July 14; dies at age 139 after a reign of almost 100 years - a finger, that's all that was left? Greek mathematician-engineer Heron (Hero) of Alexandria (b. 10); leaves Mechanics and Optics, describing the principle of the shortest path of light, the Babylonian method for computing square roots, and Heron's Formula for finding the area of a triangle from its sides, also the design of the first vending machine, which delivers holy water for a coin; Pneumatics, describing Heron's Steam Engine (Aeolipile), with two jets that makes it rotate on its axis, a wind wheel that operates an organ (the first wind-powered machine?), a water pump for fire engines, and the syringe - put that all together and see what kind of party you can throw?

71 Roman consuls: Titus Flavius Vespasianus Junior and Senior. On Mar. 20 there is a total solar eclipse, later recorded by Plutarch. Vespasian and Titus receive a triumph in Italy for the conquest of Rome; Vespasian begins the construction of the Forum of Peace in Rome; Titus, already a senator, is made Caesar and Pretorian Prefect by his daddy even though he isn't an equestrian; he also receives proconsular imperium and tribunician power, while he ruthlessly suppresses senatorial opposition to himself and his daddy. Quintus Petillius Cerialis (30-) becomes Roman gov. #9 of Britain (until 74), bringing Roman legion II Adiutrix with him, with Gnaeus Julius Agricola commanding XX Valeria Victrix, going on to campaign against the Brigantes in N England; meanwhile Petillius Cerealis becomes Roman proconsul of Brittania (until 74), and begins a military advance into Wales and Scotland; the Roman camp of Eboracum (York) is set up at the junction of the rivers Ouse and Foss to combat the Brigantes - 800 years later and they're wearing horns there? Now that the Romans have done their dirty work on the Jews as God's judgment for rejecting their Savior, the Christians supposedly return from their mountain hideout in Pella and set up shop - did the groundhog see its shadow? Devastated by the Jewish war, Idumea is incorporated into the Roman province of Judea, and ceases to exist as an entity. Quintilian (35-95) becomes the first public salaried Roman professor when Vespasian appoints him to a chair of literature and rhetoric; his students incl. Pliny the Younger and two grandnephews of Domitian; he exempts all teachers of grammar and rhetoric from taxes, and creates a new class of prof. civil servants from the business community; the Stoics oppose his regime. Vespasian begins consolidating the E frontier against Armenia and Parthia. Nonfiction: Now that it's over, turncoat Jewish gen. Josephus (37-101) kicks back and begins writing The Jewish War, kissing Flavian butt and slanted on the Roman side, but ending up as the main source of history of the era to survive to modern times - the history books are written by the winning side? Deaths: Jewish exotic dancer Salome (b. 14).

72 - The Goin' to the Roman Colosseum Year? It happens at noon, go flush your lunch and hold onto your nuts?

Roman Colosseum, 72-80

72 Roman consuls: Titus Flavius Vespasianus Junior and Senior. The Jewish fortress of Herodium near Bethlehem finally falls to the Romans. Vespasian uses Jewish loot and slaves from the failed Jewish Rebellion of 70 C.E. to begin the construction of the Flavian Amphitheater (Amphitheatrum Flavianum) AKA the Roman Colosseum (named after a colossal statue Emperor Nero built there) near the Forum N of the Palatine Hill; the fighting area is 500 ft. x 600 ft., and has a cap. of 50K; the 100-day opening celebration features 5K animals and 2K gladiators; the expeditions to find animals eventually deplete Mesopotamia of lions, Nubia of hippos, and N Africa of elephants; 1K sailors are permanently stationed to operate awnings to keep the sports fans cool; gladiators consist mainly of outcasts, POWs, slaves charged with crimes, and a few adventurous soldiers and nobles, who survive an avg. of 5-34 fights and die between the ages of 20-30; superstar gladiator Asteropaeus (named after a dude in the Trojan War) wins 107 Vs; the usual prize is an olive branch or wreath and a few small coins?; by the next cent. Roman chariot racers earn more than modern-day sports stars, with charioteer Gaius Appuleius Diocles amassing a fortune of 35.86M sesterces ($15B in modern money) - was his sports agent named Jerry? Commegene (modern Kuridstan) is annexed by Roman gen. Caessenius Paetus. Dardanus (-76) becomes king of the Picts. Flavia Neapolis (modern-day Nablus) W of the Jordan River 30 mi. N of Jerusalem between Mt. Gerizim and Mt. Ebal is founded. Deaths: Roman gen. Lucius Caesennius Paetus (b. 20). Judean (born in Galilee) Jewish convert Christian missionary St. Thomas the Apostle (b. ?), "the apostle of Kerala" on July 3in India in Parangimalai, Chennai, Chola (modern-day Little (Thomas) Mount) (near Madras) in Tamil Nadu (martyred), becoming the patron saint of India.


73 The 213th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Lucius Valerius Catullus Messalinus and Titus Flavius Domitianus. Vespasian and Titus restore the Roman censors and order a new census, followed by high taxation. Achaea loses the freedom given to it by Nero. Another Jewish revolt in Alexandria is quashed by the Romans. The revolt of Jonathan the Weaver in Cyrene (Libya) is quashed by the Romans under Gov. L. Valerius Catullus; thousands of wealthy Jews are murdered. The Alans invade Armenia and Parthia. Vespasian begins the conquest of the territory E of the upper Rhine River and S of the Main River, and reorganizes the defenses of the upper and lower Danube River; Roman legate Gnaeus Pinarius Cornelius Clemens establishes a military camp on the Neckar River in modern-day Rottweil, Germany, terminating a road along the Rhine River to Brig, Germany and into Vindonissa, Switzerland; in 81 it becomes the town of Arae Flaviae, eventually becoming the main Roman admin. center E of the Rhine River. Vespasian banishes Helvidius Priscus, son-in-law of Stoic philosopher Thrasea, along with all professors of philosophy; Priscus is later executed by order of Vespasian, after which his widow has Stoic quaestor Herennius Senecio (-93) write a glowing panegyric about him, which causes Domitian to have him executed also.

74 - The Gory Masada Year? The beginning of religious-based terrorism in 66 + 8?

Wales Forts, 75-399 Ban Chao (32-102)

74 Roman consuls: Titus Flavius Vespasianus Junior and Titus Flavius Vespasianus Senior. Tired of another sleepless night? For falling asleep and staying asleep, try what? The original income tax panic? On Apr. 16 (dawn) the Great Jewish Revolt (begun 66) ends with the fall of the Jewish Sicarii-held fortress of Masada overlooking the Dead Sea to the Roman Legio X Fretensis, led by Judean gov. Lucius Flavius Silva, when they burst through the gate and find all 960 Jews (everybody except 2 women and 5 children) dead; according to Josephus, who is there and interviews the survivors, they committed un-Jewish mass suicide after being talked into it by their leader Eleazar, who gives an Essene-like speech talking about an immortal soul that unites with God in death, with the soundbyte: "Death gives freedom to our souls and lets them depart to their own pure home where they will know nothing of any calamity; but while they are confined within a mortal body and share its miseries, in strict truth they are dead"; was it really covered-up murder?; the Romans garrison the fort for the next 40 years. Roman emperor Vespasian gives Latin rights to all of Spain. Sextus Iulius (Julius) Frontinus (40-103) becomes Roman gov. #10 of Britain (until 78), going on to campaign against the pesky Silures and other tribes in Wales and establish a new base in Caerleon (Isca Augusta) for Legio II Augusta along with a network of smaller forts at 15-20km intervals, incl. a fort at Luentinum which guards the gold mines of Dolaucothi (Ogofau) in the Cothi River Valley in modern-day Carmarthenshire, Wales. Syrian jail prisoner Mara Bar Serapion writes a letter to his son Serapion referring to the "wise king" executed by the Jews sometime in the past? Chinese Eastern Han gen. Ban Chao (32-102) begins compelling the small states of Turkestan to submit to the Han, opening the way for extensive trade with the Romans by 94. Deaths: Roman Vespasian's longtime mistress Antonia Caenis; her steward Auglus erects a memorial to her near the Praetorian Gate.

Roman Forum of Peace, 75

75 Roman census. Roman consuls: Titus Flavius Vespasianus Junior and Senior. Vespasian inaugurates the Forum (Temple) of Peace in Rome a few hundred ft. W of Nero's Golden House; a triumphal procession in Rome in June exhibits sacred temple objects from Jerusalem. Herod Agrippa II receives Arca, E of modern-day Tripoli to his realm; the last king of the Jews has few Jews to rule from Syria. Trajan's father Marcus Ulpius Traianus, new legate of Syria defeats the invading Parthians. Titus calls his Jewish lover Queen Berenice (28-82) (sister of Herod Agrippa II of Judea, who are rumored to be having an incestuous affair) to Rome, outraging public opinion, causing him to dismiss her on his accession as emperor in 79, after which she disappears. Han Ming Di (b. 28) dies after ordering that no separate temple to worship him be built (a good money-saving idea, adopted by later Dong Han emperors), and his son Crown Prince Da Liu succeeds as Zhang Di (Chang-ti) (Chin. "polite") (Da Liu) (57-88), Dong Han emperor #3 of China (until 88), going on to reduce taxes and govt. spending, promote Confucianism, and bring a golden age; Ban Chao is sent to explore the Wild West, reaching as far as Persia and Rome. Architecture: The Temple of Jupiter Best and Greatest on the Capitoline Hill in Rome (destroyed in 69 when the city was stormed by the Vitellians) is rebuilt.

Pope St. (Ana)Cletus (-88)

76 Roman consuls: Titus Flavius Vespasianus Junior and Senior. Corbred II (d. 111) becomes king of the Picts. Alleged year that St. Linus dies on Sept. 23, and (St.) Anacletus (Cletus) (-88) (Gr. "he who has been called [back])" becomes the alleged 3rd Christian bishop of Rome (pope #3); he draws up the rules for consecration of bishops and ecclesiastical dress - which brings up the subject of thrift shops, making him the Ru Paul of popes? Births: Roman emperor #14 (117-38) Hadrian (Publius Aelius Hadrianus Augustus) (d. 138) on Jan. 24 in Italica (near Seville), Spain; first bearded Roman emperor; his family comes from Hadria, Spain via Picenum; father Aelius Hadrianus Aferis is a 1st cousin of Trajan; mother Domitia Paulina comes from Cadiz, Spain; his father dies at age 9, and he is raised by his 2nd cousin Trajan, who takes him to Rome to get an education for five years, after which he returns to Italica to hunt until age 18, then returns to Rome to work for the govt.; tall, wears a comb in his hair, along with a full beard to cover blemishes on his face; cures his provincial accent by intensive study of Latin. Deaths: Roman gov. of Syria (Vespasian's principal advisor) Gaius Lucinius Mucianus.

Gnaeus Julius Agricola (40-93) Vologases II of Parthia (-80)

77 The 214th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Titus Flavius Vespasianus Junior and Senior. Roman gen. Gnaeus Julius Agricola (40-93) (father-in-law of historian Tacitus) becomes Roman gov. #11 of Britain (until 85), launching another campaign to extend Roman power N of the Clyde-Forth line, subduing the Isle of Anglesey in Wales, and building the Roman fort at Caer Gybi in Holyhead; Tacitus marries his daughter. Vologases II (-80) becomes king of Parthia (until 88), giving up Greek for Persian ways, beginning a civil war that badly divides Parthia for the next two cents. The city of Vianiomina (modern-day Vienna, Austria) on the Danube River is first mentioned by Pliny the Elder, occupied by the Romans under Tiberius as a naval port for the 13th legion, later becoming the port of Vindobona for the Roman 10th Legion under Roman emperor Domitian.

Pacorus II of Parthia (-105) Chashtana of India (r. 78)

78 Roman consuls: Lucius Ceionius Commodus and Lucius Junius Novius Priscus Rufus. Vologases II's uncle (brother of Vologases I and son of Vonones II) Pacorus II (-105), king of Media Atropatene revolts, becoming a rival king of parting-the-ways Parthia. Kujula Kadphises overwhelms the Saka-Pahlava princes of the Hindu Kush, and founds the Kushan Empire in Bactria, Afghanistan, and India (ends 375). Chashtana (Tiastanes) (Tisman), son of Bhumaka founds the Saka Dynasty of western satraps in NW India based in Ujjain in Malwa, India (ends 395). Births: Chinese Han emperor and crown prince (79-) Xiaode (Prince Xiao of Qinghe) (Liu Qing) (d. 106); son of Emperor Zhang and Consort Song Chinese astronomer-inventor-scholar Zhang (Chang) Heng (d. 139) in Nanyang, Henan; inventor of the seismometer.

79 - Rome's 9/11 and Twin Towers?

Roman Emperor Titus Flavius Vespasianus (39-81) Pompeii, 79 Pliny the Elder (23-79)

79 Roman consuls: Titus Flavius Vespasianus Junior and Senior. On June 23 Roman emperor (since 69) Vespasian (b. 9) dies of diarrhea (his last words: "Oh my, I must be turning into a god") (something to do with a gay anus?), and his son Titus (Lat. "Defender") Flavius Sabianus Vespasianus (39-81) (Titus Junior) (tight flavorful anus?) becomes the 2nd Flavor of the Day (Flavian) Roman emperor #10; after Vespasian is deified, Titus mends his bridges with the Senate, and wins popularity through largesses and lavish enterainments, and discontinues all prosecutions for laesa majesta, decreeing heavy punishments for informers; having kicked the Jews' butts personally, it's no surprise that he assumes the title of pontifex maximus (Lat. "maximum bridge-builder [to Heaven]"). On Aug. 24 (lunchtime) (Nov. 3-23, or after Oct. 17?) an earthquake is caused by Mt. Vesuvius on the Bay of Naples, causing most people in Pompeii to flee to late, with only 2K of 20K not getting buried in 20 ft. of lava, going on to destroy the other wealthy Roman seaside summer resort cities of Stabiae, Oplontis, and Herculaneum with volcanic ash, killing 20K; in the 1960s discover human brain tissue at Herculaneum turned into glass; Pliny the Elder (b. 23) is a victim, and his nephew Pliny the Younger writes an eyewitness account to Tacitus; it erupts over 50x more by the year 2000; the next big one is in 1631; Herculaneum is rediscovered in 1706, and excavations start in 1738; Pompeii is rediscovered in 1748; hundreds of bodies of victims who died at the seashore in Herculaneum are discovered in 1980; the Jews believe that the eruptions are retribution from Jehovah for detroying his temple in 70?; archeologists examining the site find that the Romans had perfect teeth caused by their sugar-free Mediterranean diets?, although the water pipes carried toxic antimony; ink in papyri discovered in Pompeii contains lead. The Roman legions under three of their best generals conquer Wales and partially subdue the Celtic Brigantes in Yorkshire; Gnaeus Julius Agricola, Roman gov. of Britain founds the fort of Mamucium (Lat. "breast-like town") (Mancunium) near the confluence of the Medlock and Irwell Rivers between the Pennine Mts. on the N and E, and the Cheshire Plain on the S to protect against the remaining Brigantes; the fort is abandoned in the late 4th cent. C.E.; sometime after the 1066 Norman Conquest lays the area waste, the town of Manchester (modern-day pop. 540K/2.8M) grows up around the ruins; in this cent. the Roman towns of Lincoln (Lindon) (Lindum) (ca. 48) (modern-day pop. 130K/190K), Bath (Aquae Sulis) (ca. 60) (modern-day pop. 89K) (known for 120F/49C mineral springs), and Leicester (Ratae) on the Soar River (ca. 50) (modern-day pop 348K/1.39M) are also founded, along with Cardiff (ca. 75) (modern-day pop. 361K/1.1M) in Wales on the N coast of the Bristol Channel at the mouth of the Taff River. Births: Chinese Dong Han emperor #4 (-105) Han He (Chin. "moderate") Di (d. 105); son of Zhang Di (57-88) and Dou (-97). Chinese scholar Ma Rong (d. 166); first to write commentaries on all Five Classics. Deaths: Help stop gingivitis before it starts? Roman historian Pliny the Elder (b. 23) on Aug. 25 in Stabiae, Campania; dies while attemping the rescue by ship of a friend and his family from the Mt. Vesuvius eruption after the wind won't allow his ship to leave the shore (vulcanized?); leaves Natural History (Historia Naturalis) (Historia Naturalis) (37 vols.), which contains all the known science of the day, incl. astronomy (attacking magic), geography, anthropology, zoology, botany, agriculture, pharmacology, metallurgy and mineralogy incl. Roman gold and copper mining, and a history of Greek and Roman painting and sculpture, also info. on the art of soapmaking, learned from the Gallic Celts, who make a mixture of tallow and wood ashes which they call saipo, and use to wash their long wild hair; mentions Escargo as an elite food; devotes a chapter to people of great longevity, incl. consul M. Valerius Corvinos, who lived to 100, Cicero's wife Terentia, who lived to 103, a woman named Clodia, who lived to 115 and had 15 children, and actress Lucceia, who performed on stage at age 100, with the soundbyte: "Nature has, in reality, bestowed no greater blessing on man than the shortness of life. The senses become dull, the limbs torpid, the sight, the hearing, the legs, the teeth, and the organs of digestion, all of them die before us"; in 1469 it becomes the first scientific book to be printed in the West with the Gutenberg printing press: "In vino veritas" (In wine there is truth); "True glory consists in doing what deserves to be written and in writing what deserves to be read"; "Among these things but one thing seems certain: that nothing certain exists, and that nothing is more pitiable or more presumptuous than man."

Artabanus III (-90)

80 Roman consuls: Titus Flavius Domitianus and Titus Flavius Vespasianus Junior. A severe fire in Rome rages for three days, destroying the temple of Jupiter Capitolinus, and numerous public bldgs., incl. the Pantheon, and is followed by a dreadful pestilence; Titus becomes the idol of the people for his beneficence to the sufferers. The Colosseum (begun 72) opens after being dedicated by Titus with a 100-day extravaganza using 2K animals and 5K gladiators; Martial writes the epigram-filled On the Spectacles (Liber Spectaculorum) to celebrate it, and becomes an equestrian; the extensive Baths of Titus (Thermae Titianae), NE of the Colosseum are dedicated. Gnaeus Julius Agricola (40-93) conquers the fierce warlike Silures (Lat. "people of the rocks") tribe in SE Wales (Glamorgan, Brecknock, Monmouth, Radnor, Hereford), consisting of a dark curly-haired ancient non-Aryan Celticized stock; he then invades Caledonia (modern-day Scotland), home of the Picts (naked painted people), and advances N across the Clyde River as far as the Firth (estuary) of Forth. Pacorus II defeats and deposes Vologases II, and becomes king of Parthia (until 105), going on to enlarge Ctesiphon and build walls around it; meanwhile Artabanus III (d. 90) vies for the Parthian throne. Kadjula Kadphises dies, and his son Vema (Vima) Taktu (Takto) (d. 95) becomes king of Kushan. Science: Aristotle couldn't do it, Christ couldn't do it, but some nameless (young?) Chinese guy discovers magnetism about this time. Births: Hellenistic skeptical sophist philosopher (hermaphrodite) Favorinus of Arelata (d. 160) in Arelate (Arles).

Roman Emperor Domitian (51-96) Roman Empress Domitia Longinus (53-130) Roman Emperor Domitian (51-96) and Empress Domitia Longinus (53-130) Arch of Titus, 81 Arch of Titus, 81

81 The 215th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Lucius Asinius Pollio Verucosus and Lucius Silva Nonius Bassus. The Arch of Titus, designed by Roman architect Rabirius is erected in Rome W of the Colosseum, honoring the joint triumph celebrated by Titus and Vespasian after suppressing the Jewish Revolt of 71, bragging about kicking the Jews' butts and showing Jewish captives and loot (incl. a menorah) from the Temple of Jehovah, announcing how Titus and his god Jupiter are boss and Jehovah (no he couldn't be but yes he could?) is a whimp and loser; too bad, not only did his temple of Jupiter burn down the year before, but on Sept. 13 Roman emperor (since 79) Titus (b. 39) dies prematurely in Campania of brain fever, and on Sept. 14 his 12-year-younger brother (who caused his death for having an affair with his wife Domitia Longina?) Titus Flavius Domitianus (Domitian) (51-96) becomes (Flavian) Roman #11 emperor (until 96), with his wife (since 71) Domitia Longina (53-130) (youngest daughter of consul Gnaeus Domitius Corbulo) as empress; Titus is immediately deified like his father, and Domitian decides to top them, becoming the first Roman emperor to command that he be worshiped as Dominus et Deus (Lord and God) during his lifetime; he revives the official persecution of the pesky Christians while ruling Rome like a tight ship, lavishly spending money on public displays of his majesty, instituting a reign of terror (making him the 2nd Nero), and ignoring and alienating the Senate, causing them to begin plotting against him, which only backfires when he catches them. Agricola campaigns in Caledonia against the dangly painted trick-or-treat Pict warriors. Births: Chinese Dong Han empress Deng Sui (Hexi) (Chin. "moderate and pacifying empress") (d. 121); 2nd wife of He Di; mother of Shang Di (106) and An Di (94-125). Deaths: Roman emperor (79-81) Titus (b. 39) on Sept. 13 (brain fever); last words: "I have made but one mistake."

82 Roman consuls: Titus Flavius Sabinus and Titus Flavius Domitianus. Domitian restores the Capitol. Roman gov. of Britain Gnaeus Julius Agricola abandons plans to invade Ireland after a legion of German troops stationed in Galloway (Gael. "foreign Gael") (in modern-day SW Scotland) mutinies; meanwhile Inchtuthil, AKA Pinnata Castra (Lat. "fortress on the wing) and Victoria is built as the most northerly Roman fort in Caledonia on the N bank of the Tay River SW of modern-day Blairgowrie, Scotland; too bad, it is evacuated by 87 so that the troops can fight the Dacian invasion of Moesia; in the 1950s a cache of 750K iron nails is uncovered, along with other iron objects. Emperor Keikou goes to Tsukushi to quell a revolt of the Kumaso. Dowager empress Dou ("polite and virtuous") Xin (Zhangde) (-97) (not to be confused with the other empress Dou who dies in 135) alters the Han succession in favor of her brothers Dou Xian and Dou Du, becoming the first time that the clan of the empress rules, setting a precedent; when emperor Zhang Di gets pissed-off at her arrogance, she apologizes for not wearing concubine clothes. Roman satirist Juvenal writes that "a rare bird on Earth is a black swan", giving rise to the Western proverb "All swans are white"; a real black swan is first sighted in Australia in 1697 C.E. Deaths: Jewish Roman client queen Berenice (b. 28).

83 Roman consuls: Quintus Petilius Rufus Sabinus and Titus Flavius Domitianus. Domitian (along with Sextus Julius Frontinus?) crosses the Rhine River at Main to campaign against the Germanic tribe of the Chatti, and kicks their butts, returning to Rome for a triumph, and takes the title Germanicus, beginning construction of limes along the Rhine border, building a massive fortress near Bad Cannstatt in the Neckar River Valley near modern-day Stuttgart in 90 - put the limes in the coconut and what? After their only son (b. 73) dies young, and she is caught in an affair with famous actor Paris, Domitian's wife (since 71) Domitia Longina is exiled for a short time (until 84), her hubby Domitian murdering Paris in the street then taking his niece Julia Flavia, who dies during a failed abortion.

Calgacus of the Picts (-84)

84 Roman consuls: Gaius Oppius Sabinus and Titus Flavius Domitianus. Domitian is elected as consul for 10 years and censor for life, and increases the pay of troops by one-third to secure their loyalty. Bad day for the Erin Go Bragh crowd? Rome declares war on the Caledonian Picts (N of the Tay River), a tribal confederation newly united under chieftain Calgacus (Galgacus) (Gael. "swordsman") (-84), defeating them at the Battle of Mons Graupius at Ardoch in Aberdeenshire in E Scotland after Calgacus whips his men up with the immortal soundbyte (fake?): "We, the most distant dwellers upon the Earth, the last of the free, have been shielded until now by our remoteness and by the obscurity which has shrouded our name. Now, the farthest bounds of Britain lie open to our enemies. There are no more nations beyond us only waves, and rocks, and the Romans. Pillagers of the world, they have exhausted the land by their indiscriminate plunder. East and west alike have failed to satisfy them. To robbery, butchery and rapine, they give the lying name 'government'. They create a desert and call it peace. Which will you choose, to follow me into battle, or to submit to taxation, labor in the mines and all the other tribulations of slavery? Whether you are to endure these forever or take a quick revenge, this battle must decide"; 10K Picts are KIA, incl. Calgacus; the Grampian Mountains/Hills (Gael. "Am Monadh") (the Scottish Highlands) are named after the site. Chinese Eastern Han gen. Ban Chao (32-102) obtains the help of the Kusan Empire to repel the Sogdians to keep them from supporting the revolt of the king of Kashgar. The city of Baku (Persian "bad-kube" = wind-pounded city") in the Caucasus region on the Caspian Sea 92 ft. below sea level in modern-day Azerbaijan (modern-pop. 2.3M/4.3M) is first mentioned by the Romans. Births: Christian philosopher-teacher (Apostle Paul freak) Marcion (d. 160) in Pontus, Asia Minor; son of the bishop of Sinope - the first Beatlemaniac?

Decebalus of Dacia (-106)

85 The 216th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Titus Flavius Domitiatnus. Publius Acilius Attianus becomes Hadrian's guardian. The Celts get a much-needed breather? Roman British gov. Agricola is recalled to Rome in the midst of his campaign to extend Roman power N to the ocean, allowing rebellious Britons to join with the Picts; his campaign is not renewed, but he does establish garrisons on the Forth-Clyde line, although leaving too many natives unsubdued in his rear, and Sallustius Lucullus (-89) (son of British prince Amminius, son of Cunobelinus, who fled to Rome about 40 C.E.?) becomes Roman gov. #12 of Britain (until 89). The Indo-European Dacians ("Wolf Moon") (modern-day Romanians) under King Decebalus (-106) invade Moesia and wipe out the Roman legions, starting Domitian's First Dacian War (ends 87). King Kashgar attacks below-sea-level Turpan in the E Tarim Basin, and is defeated by the Han Chinese under Ban Chao, who bring the whole Tarim Basin under Han control.

86 Roman consuls: Servius Cornelius Dolabella Petronianus and Titus Flavius Domitianus. The 6K-man Roman IV Legion of Flavius Felix arrives in Singidunum in Moesia, and sets up an earth-stone fortress, along with a bridge over the Sava River to connect it with Taurunum to protect against the pesky Dacians across the Danube River, then settles legion veterans next to the fortress to strengthen the package, with a town of rectilinear construction growing up; Skopje in Macedonia is elevated to a colony and becomes the seat of govt. of the new province of Moesia Superior; the barracks of the 8th Augusta Legion in Bulgaria are discovered in 2013. The Nasamones revolt in Africa. Roman explorer Julius Maternus crosses the Sahara to the Sudan. Christianity enters China? Sports: The Agon Capitolinus athletic contest is instituted. Architecture: The stadium in the Campus Martius (Piazza Navona) is rebuilt in brick and stone. Births: Roman emperor #15 (138-61) Antoninus Pius (Titus Aurelius Fulvius Aelius Hadrianus Boionius Arrius Antoninus Augustus Pius) (d. 161) on Sept. 19 in Lanuvium. Greek "Anabasis of Alexander" philosopher-historian-gen.-senator Arrian of Nicomedia (Lucius Flavius Arrianus "Xenophon") (d. 161) in Nicomedia, Bythinia, Anatolia; student of Epictetus (55-135).

87 Roman consuls: Lucius Volusius Saturninus and Titus Flavius Domitianus. Praetorian Prefect Cornelius Fuscus is defeated and KIA in Dacia; Domitian's campaigns against the Dacians and Marcomanni fail, and Decebalus forms a new Dacian state in the N Danube region. 58 Hun tribes surrender to China. Former Roman gov. of Britannia Agricola retires.

Pope St. Clement I (-97)

88 Roman consuls: Titus Flavius Domitianus. Domitian's Second Dacian War begins (ends 89); the Romans defeat the Dacians at the Battle of Tapae at the pass of the Iron Gate. Tacitus becomes praetor. Han Zhang Di (b. 57) dies, and his 9-y.-o. son Crown Prince Zhao Liu succeeds as Han He (Chin. "moderate") Di (79-105), Dong Han emperor #4 of China (until 105), presiding over the beginning of the decline of the empire as his adoptive mother dowager empress Dou Xin (widow of Zhang Di) promotes her family into govt. positions and corrupts the govt. Quintilian retires and begins composing his "Institutio Oratoria". St. Cletus dies, and (St.) Clement (Lat. "mild", "giving mercy") I (d. 97) (allegedly consecrated by St. Peter) is elected as the alleged Christian bishop #4 of Rome (pope #4), becoming the first Apostolic Father of the Church, writing 1 & 2 Clement to the church in Corinth, asserting the authority of presbyters (elders), and also instituting the use of the word "amen" (Heb. "truly, certainly, may it be so") into religious ceremonies. Two Egyptian obelisks in honor of Domitian are erected in Benevento in front of the Temple of Isis. Deaths: Chinese Dong Han emperor #3 (75-88) Zhang Di (b. 57).

89 The 217th Olympiad. Roman census. Roman consuls: Marcus Asinius Atratinus and Titus Aurelius Fulvus. On Jan. 1 before Domitian can finish the Dacians off, Lucius Antonius Saturninus, Roman legate of upper Germany (Germania Superior) (Mainz) rebels and declares himself emperor, and the Chatti use the opportunity to invade the Rhineland, but Domitian puts down the revolt and forces them to withdraw; the Quadi, Suevi (Sueves) Marcomanni, and Jazyges N of the Danube revolt, and he makes peace with the Dacians, ending Domitian's Second Dacian War (began 88), then returns to Rome and receives a triumph; meanwhile Sallustius Lucullus is executed by order of Domitian for naming a new lance after himself (really for supporting Lucius Antonius Saturninus?), after which there is a vacuum in Britain until 92. Tacitus leaves Rome for Germany. Saturninus' revolt causes Domitian to end the quartering of more than one legion in one camp; he now bitterly proceeds to checkmate his opponents in the Senate - always use protection, just think of them as little life preservers? Emperor Keikou of Yamato returns to Yamato. Apostle Andrew converts a Roman official's wife, which pisses him off, and he has him crucified on an X-shaped cross so that it will take several days to die, but Andrew uses the opportunity to preach at passersby? - wanna join this loser nut cult?

Rabbi Akiba (50-135) Pedanius Dioscorides (40-90)

90 Roman consuls: Titus Flavius Domitianus and Marcus Cocceius Nerva. The Romans build a fort at the site of the Celtic settlement of Radasbona at the confluence of the Danube, Naab, and Regen Rivers at the northernmost point of the Danube River, which becomes the SE German town of Regensburg in E Bavaria (modern-day pop. 148K), going on to become the 4th largest city in Bavaria after Munich, Nuremberg, and Augsburg. After they send presents to the Chinese Dong (Eastern) Han court, requesting a Han princess, and are refused, the Kushans (Yuezhi) send 70K men to attack them, but Han gen. Ban Chao defeats them with a smaller force and forces them to pay yearly tribute (until 116), getting a promotion to protector gen. based in Kucha. About this year the Synod (Council) of Jamnia (Javneh) (Jabnah) in Yavneh, headed by Rabbi Johannan ben Zakkai fixes the canon of the Hebrew Scriptures for the Jews, finally accepting the Song of Songs (Song of Solomon) (Canticum Canticorum) (Shir Ha-Shirim) after Rabbi Akiba (50-135) declares "No day in the history of the world is worth the day when the Son of Solomon was given to Israel", and "The Song of Solomon is a holy of the holies"; it only discusses the Song of Songs and Chronicles, and doesn't fix any Jewish canon, which was already fixed during the Hasmonean Dynasty in -140 to -40?; meanwhile Jews are ordered to reject the Greek Septuagint and curse ninny Jesus Christ - no shitting? Births: Greek #1 geocentric astronomer-mathematician-geographer Claudius Ptolemy (d. 165) in Ptolemais Hermiou; his name is half-Roman and half-Greek. Deaths: Greek physician Pedanius Dioscorides (b. 40); leaves De Materia Medica (5 vols.), containing 600+ animal, vegetable, and mineral remedies, and describing 500 plants, preserving their Dacian and Thracian names.

91 Roman consuls: Marcus Ulpius Trajanus and Manius Acilius Glabrio (-95). The Equus Domitiani (Equestrian Statue of Domitian) is erected in the Roman Forum facing the Temple of Divine Julius to commemorate his campaign in Germania and Dacia, towering over the equine statue of Caesar in front of the Temple of Venus; too bad, when he is assassinated in 96, the statue is pulled down and the massive base hidden under the pavement of the Roman Forum. Trajan becomes praetor and consul.

St. Antipas of Pergamum (-92) Palace of Domitian, 92

92 Roman consuls: Quintus Volusius Saturninus and Titus Flavius Domitianus. The Jazyges invade Dacia; Domitian in person ends the war with the Suevi and Sarmatians (known for their women warriors), but the war with the Jazyges is unfinished at his death in 96. Roman suffect consul Publius Metilius Nepos (45-127) becomes Roman gov. #13 of Britain (until 98), going on to found the Roman colonies of Lincoln (Colonia Domitiana Lindensium) and Gloucester (Colonia Nervia Glevensium) for retired soldiers. Bread shortages cause Domitian to issue a decree requiring vineyards in Italy and most other Roman provinces not used for the army's consumption to be uprooted and planted with wheat; it is not revoked until Emperor Probus (276-82). Chinese emperor He Di overthrows and kills dowager empress Dou Xin's brother Dou Xian (Tou Hsien), and defangs her; too bad, he uses the help of eunuch Zheng Zhong (-107) and his brother Prince Liu Qing of Qinghe (78-106), setting a precedent for future eunuchs to get involved in politics that ends up bringing the Han Dynasty down in 220. (St.) Antipas (Gr. "against all"), Bishop of Pergamum (ordained by St. John the Apostle, and mentioned in Rev. 2:13) becomes the first Christian martyr in Asia Minor after he is allegedly roasted to death in a brass Sicilian bull (feast day: Apr. 11). Architecture: Domitian's Palace on the Palatine Hill in Rome near the House of Augustus is completed by Roman architect Rabirius, built on top of Nero's Domus Transitoria and the Repub. House of the Griffins, along with the Flavian Palace (Domus Flavia) and the Domus Augustana, becoming the official residence of the emperors until the end of the Roman Empire. Deaths: Chinese historian Ban Gu (b. 32) (executed). Roman poet Gaius Valerius Flaccus (b. ?); leaves Argonautica.

The Original Backstreet Boys Domitian Persecution of the Christians Year?

93 The 218th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Quintus Peduceus Priscinus and Sextus Pompeius Collega. Domitian returns to Rome and begins a series of treason trials in the Senate, forcing the accused to condemn their colleagues, and launches the Domitian Persecution of the Christians (#2) (ends 96) to snuff out the pesky backstreet Christians. Tacitus returns to Rome. A son of Helvidius Priscus is executed for composing a farce about the short separation of Domitian from his wife Domitia in 83-4. After obtaining his freedom in 68 from Nero's secy. and settling in Rome to teach philosophy, only to see Emperor Domitian banish all philosophers from the city, Hierapolis, Phyrgia-born lame Stoic philosopher Epictetus (Lat. "acquired") (55-135) flees Rome, setting up a school in Nicopolis, Epirus, Greece, dying there in 135, leaving his famous Discourses of Epictetus (8 vols.), collected by his pupil Arrian, which teach that philosophy is a way of life, and that fate determines events, hence we should accept life calmly, exercising rigorous self-discipline, making fans of Marcus Aurelius, U.S. fighter pilot James Stockdale et al. Deaths: Roman gen. Gnaeus Julius Agricola (b. 40) on Aug. 23 in Gallia Narbonensis.

94 Roman consuls: Titus Sextius Magius Lateranus and Lucius Nonius Calpurnius Asprenatus Torquatus. Poet Publius Papinius Statius returns to Naples. Nonfiction: Flavius Josephus (37-101), Antiquities of the Jews (Judean Antiquities) (20 vols.); the only surviving historical record of the Jewish War, leaving fans thirsting for more on Jeezy Weezy, a little too much? Births: Chinese Dong Han emperor #6 (106-25) An (Chin. "peaceful") Di (Hu Liu) (d. 125); grandson of Zhang Di; stepson of Deng Sui (81-121).

Manius Acilius Glabrio (-95) Vema Kadphises I of Kushan (-115)

95 Roman consuls: Titus Flavius Clemens (-95) and Titus Flavius Domitianus. Homo lupus homini? Former Roman consul (91) Manius Acilius Glabrio, who was forced by Domitian to fight a lion and two bears in his private amphitheater in Albanum is put to death for being a "contriver of novelty" (a Christian?); Domitian also executes consul Titus Flavius Clemens (his 2nd cousin and grand-nephew of Vespasian) for practicing "the customs and persuasions of the Jews" (after he is converted by Rabbi Akiba, gets circumcised and changes his name to Shalom Ketiah, or because he becomes a Christian?); the bloodbath of prominent nobles and relatives causes Domitian's enemies to reach critical mass, and Clemens' servant Stephanus becomes the Senate's designated hit man; later the Greek Orthodox Church makes Clemens a saint, with feast day on June 22; Pope Clement I is Clemens' freedman? Vema Taktu dies, and his son Vema (Vima) Kadphises I (d. 115) becomes king of Kushan. Deaths: Roman rhetorician Quintilian (b. 35); leaves the ultimate Roman stuffed-toga bible for schoolboys Institutio Oratoria (Insitutes of Oratory) (12 vols.); the purpose of education is to produce men of high character and broad culture? (striking those noble disinterested poses?); books 1-2 discuss Roman elementary education; books 3-11 discuss the five parts of oratory: invention, arrangement, composition, memory, and delivery; book 10 compares the great Greek and Latin writers; the book gets lost until 1416, when Giovanni Francesco Poggio Bracciolini recovers it, causing the Italian Humanists to eat it up?

96 - The Bitch Who Has the Nerva to Dominate the Dominator Year? The Age of the Antonines begins in Rome?

666 Roman Emperor Nerva (35-98) Holy Grotto of Patmos St. John the Apostle (1-100) Route 666 666 in Hebrew 666 Magic Square

96 Roman consuls: Gaius Anstitius Vetus and Gaius Manlius Valens. The Age of the Antonines in Rome begins (ends 180); "In the second century of the Christian era, the Empire of Rome comprehended the fairest part of the earth, and the most civilised portion of mankind... During a happy period... the public administration was conducted by the virtue and abilities of Nerva, Trajan, Hadrian, and the two Antonines" (Gibbon, Ch. 1). On Sept. 18 at the 5th hour 45-y.-o. Roman emperor (since 81) Domitian (b. 51) is assassinated by Titus Flavius Clemens' servant Stephanus with help of the Roman Senate and his own wife, ending the Flavian Dynasty (begun 69); even though astrologers had warned him that he would die at that hour, the conspirators fool him by telling him it was the sixth hour, so that he lets down his guard, permitting Stephanus, steward of his niece into his bedchamber to show him a list of conspirators, whereupon he stabs him in the groin and calls in four helpers to finish him off; elderly noble senator Marcus Cocceius Nerva (35-98) becomes Roman emperor #12 (until 98), first of the Five Good Emperors (each sonless, adopting the succeeding one); he goes on to annul many of Domitian's acts incl. the one against Christians, and his perhaps too-clean policy incurs the hostility of many, incl. the Praetorian Guards?; Nerva is hailed as pater patriae, and he limits the games and corn doles - but not the corn holes? Nonfiction: St. Paul writes the First Epistle to the Corinthian Church, which alludes to his Epistle to the Hebrews. I'm so smart that I thought you were my son? About this year (before or after Domitian dies?) aged Christian apostle St. John the Evangelist (6-100), son of Zebedee and younger brother of James the Greater, former disciple of John the Baptist, called Boanerges ("sons of thunder") by Jesus along with James for their zeal, now pastor (bishop?) of Ephesus, exiled by Domitian to the 13-sq.-mi. rocky goat isle of Patmos in the Dodecanese off the SW coast of Asia Minor dicates the ultimate Millennium Feverist handbook The Revelation (Apocalypse) of (St.) John to his scribe Prochoros from the Holy Grotto (Cave of the Apocalypse) of Patmos, where Christ allegedly visits and/or sends an angel to visit his last surviving apostle and tries to explain why he isn't coming back as soon as they all thought, and in fact he himself doesn't know, only God?; the Seven Churches of Asia (Minor) in W Turkey are addressed, incl. the Church of Ephesus, the lukewarm Church of Laodicea, the Church of Pergamum, the Church of Philadelphia, the Church of Smyrna, the Church of Thyatira (Thyateira), and the Church of Sardis; Ch. 20 starts up Millennium Fever (MF) among Christians, the belief that Christ one day will return to Earth, conquer the "Beast", cast Satan and his followers into the abyss for 1K years, and reign as king with the resurrected faithful becoming princes and priests; but that's not all; the test is repeated, and at the end of the 1K years Satan is let loose again for a short time to recruit new followers, then put they are all put in the Lake of Fire (the second death) forever, and by now all the dead are resurrected and judged, either to eternal life or the second death along with Big S; Rev. 13:18 starts 666 Fear (hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia), the horrible-but-cool hangup that there's just something beastly about the Roman number DCLXVI (the first six Roman numerals written from largest to smallest), the idea of man (6) striving to become God, or create a trinity (666), and falling short of perfection (7), which requires the final Roman numeral M (messiah)?; some claim that Roman emperor Nero ("Neron Qesar") is meant because some mss. have 616 instead of 666; believers in the coming Chilling Millennium become known as Chiliasts; after too many of these false alarms cause all hope to be placed on the year 1000, and it proves a bust too, they switch to 1000 plus permutations of 6, 66, and 666, even using month #6 June as one of the magic keys to the big date, even though it said name not date, and some ancient mss. have 616 not 666, which not coincidentally is all the Roman numerals in order MDCLXVI, oops, no M, that's reserved for the real Messiah; call it a coincidence, but the Arabic Symbol for Allah looks a lot like the Greek letters for 666; (after returning to Ephesus?) John also writes the Gospel Accordin to John and the Three Epistles of John about this time; actually John's name is never mentioned in the Gospel According to John, but it gets attributed to him by tradition; in the Gospel of John Jesus never utters parables, but instead performs signs, and never casts out demons; in contrast to the Synoptic Gospels, which concentrate on Jesus' doings in Galilee, it concentrates on his doings in Judea and Jerusalem, displaying a first-hand knowledge of the geography prior to the Jewish Revolt of 66, and seems to show a knowledge of an ancient tradition independent of the other gospels, leading many scholars to consider it the most reliable of the four; the only gospel to describe Jesus' turning of water into wine at the wedding in Cana (2:1-11), his conversations with Nicodemus (3:1-21) and the Samaritan woman (4:1-42), and the raising of Lazarus in Bethany (ch. 11), along with the Holy Lance of Christ (spear stuck in his side to prove that he's dead after only three hours on the Cross, when most last a day or more, and despite a corpse being unable to pump blood out with a dead heart) (19:34); the only one to describe the role of Nicodemus in Jesus' burial (19:39); the only one with vocabulary not used in the rest, esp. the Gnostic-like talk in the Logos Passage (John 1:1-18): "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was [a?] God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made...", creating the eternal Arian vs. Athanasius Controversy: in the beginning of God's Creation did he first create the Word AKA Christ (Love?), then use him to create all else, hence Christ is a created being not God, or was the Word there in the beginning with God, thus is God, even though God has no beginning, and is eternal and uncreated?; so, as the 1st cent. ends, despite the skimpiness of history, God spoke and laid out the complete Plan of the Man in the New Testament; the whole point of Christ is to suspend God's judgment of eternal death on truly repentant sinners (Mk. 2:17, Acts 17:30) by coming the first time to save them (John 3:15-18, John 12:47) and the second time to judge them (Acts 17:31, Heb. 9:28), which is why he tells everybody that his blood will pay for their sins prior to conversion (Heb. 9:11-28), but afterwards to sin no more (John 5:14, 8:11), because sin (violating the Ten Commandments incl. having other gods, taking the Lord's name in vain, lying, stealing, coveting, murdering, committing adultery even with the eyes, etc.) is voluntary, and Christians will be sent the Holy Spirit to keep them from temptation and never sin again (1 John 3:1-10), but those who fall away are out of luck because Christ can't be crucified a second time (Heb. 6:4-6), and blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is unforgivable (Matt. 12:31-32); too bad, some Christian sects have the idea that they can get "saved" and continue sinning, when actually nobody is saved yet, because only at the End of Days will Judge Christ AKA God in Human Form open his court to judge us (Heb. 9:27), and going around claiming to be saved is sinful, taking the Lord's name in vain and lying?; the ultimate Supreme Court, the judgment is either entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven (Mt. 5:19-21, 8:11), or being cast by angels into the Lake of Fire (Rev. 20:15); maybe it's all a fairy tale, but the punchline is that nobody can be sure until they're dead, what a sales pitch. Deaths: Roman poet Publius Papinius Statius (b. 45) in Naples; leaves the poems Silvae, Thebaid, and Achilleis, with the first pub. of the Achilles Heel Story.

Pope St. Evaristus (-105) Forum of Nerva, 97 Sextus Julius Frontinus (40-103)

97 The 219th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Lucius Virginius Rufus and Marcus Cocceius Nerva. Tacitus becomes consul, delivering the funeral oration of his predecessor Verginius Rufus. The Alimenta Italiae are instituted by Trajan to provide for the welfare and education of poor Roman children. Former suffect consul (93) Tiberius Avidius Quietus (-107) (friend of Plutarch and Pliny the Elder) becomes Roman gov. #14 of Britain (until 100). Former Roman gov. of Britain Sextus Julius Frontinus (40-103) is made supt. of Roman waterworks, and writes De Aqueductibus Urbis Romae (De Aquaeductu); at this time the length of the nine aqueducts serving Rome is 264 mi., 222 of which are cut beneath the surface; they branch into 247 main reservoirs, serving 744 points of distribution within the city (591 public fountains, 95 baths, 58 barracks and theaters); total output: 330M gal. of water per day for 1M sweet-smelling people wiping their butts with sponges on sticks; too bad, they line the pipes with lead, leading to sterility et al., dooming the Romans? The Praetorians under Aelianus revolt when Nerva refuses to execute Domitian's assassins, causing him to order it under pressure; to end the revolt he adopts Trajan, legate of upper Germany as his co-ruler and successor, and both receive the title of Germanicus. Chinese Han gen. Ban (Pan) Chao (32-102) crosses the Tian Shan and Pamir Mts. with a 70K-man army and campaigns against the Huns (Xiongnu), who are harassing the Silk Road; after making an alliance with Parthian king Pacorus II and establishing a base on the shores of the Caspain Sea and another in Antiochia Margiana (Merv) (E outpost of the Parthian Empire), Ban Chao sends envoy Kan (Gan) Ying to Rome (Chin. "Daqin"), but he only makes it as far as the Black Sea before being convinced to turn back by Parthian traders, becoming the Chinese to travel the farthest West in antiquity, later writing the first Chinese account of Europe. Clement I becomes the first bishop of Rome for which definite evidence exists; he dies by being thrown into the Sea of Pontus with an anchor around his neck by order of Trajan after he heard the rumor about their god walking on water?; (St.) Evaristus (d. 105) is allegedly elected bishop of Rome (pope #5), going on to divide Rome into parishes, and institute the lucky 7-member College of Cardinals. Architecture: The Forum of Nerva, begun by Domitian is completed.

Roman Emperor Trajan (53-117) Tacitus (55-118)

98 Roman consuls: Marcus Ulpius Trajanus and Marcus Cocceius Nerva. On Jan. 27 Roman emperor (since 96) Nerva (b. 35) dies from apoplexy after ruling only a year and a half, and his hand-picked Spanish-born heir (#2 of the Five Good Emperors) Marcus Ulpius Trajanus (Trajan) (53-117) becomes lucky (to the Romans, but tragic to the Christians, Jews et al.?) Roman emperor #13 (until 117) at Colonia Agrippina (Cologne) in W Germany on the Rhine, becoming the first non-Italian-born (born in the provinces) Roman emperor; he had already been picked by Nerva, so succession was smooth for a change; Nerva becomes the last emperor to be buried in the Mausoleum of Augustus (no one else has the nerva?); Trajan winters on the Danube River and begins planning a campaign against the Getae to geta all their gold and silver mines. Science: Menelaus of Alexandria (70-130) observes occultations of the the stars Spica and Beta Scorpii by the Moon on Jan. 14 in Rome, which Ptolemy later uses to confirm the precession of the equinoxes. Nonfiction: Publius Cornelius Tacitus (55-118), Life of Gnaeus Julius Agricola; Germania (De Origine et situ Germanii) (On the Origin and Location of the Germans); an attempt to contrast the primitive unspoiled virtuous Germans with the effete decadent Romans; Germans don't like hard work and can withstand cold and hunger well, but can't handle heat and thirst without beer; "They drank a liquor of barley or other grain that was fermented into a corrupt resemblance to wine"; contains a picture of the virtuous German hausfrau; claims that the "Teutons Gothones" live in the Vistula River basin and have a fiercely independent spirit. Apostle John of Patmos writes the three Epistles (Letters) of John (Johannine Epistles) this year? (85-100?).

99 Roman consuls: Quintus Soscius Senecio and Aulus Cornelius Palma Frontonianus. Trajan returns to Rome and is named pater patriae, developing good relations with the Senate although ruling independently of it, continuing Nerva's just policies and instituting the alimenta to support Italian orphans. Marcus Priscus, proconsul of Africa is exiled. Galatia and Pontus Polemoniacus are separated from Cappadocia in E Asia Minor. The Kushans (originally from China) send a delegation to Rome. Deaths: Roman gen. Marcus Ulpius Traianus (b. 30).

The first year there ought to be raging Millennium Fever among the Christians, there couldn't have been?; first of all, nobody was counting years as "Anno Domini", and the early Christians thought every year was the big year when Christ would return and take them to his Kingdom of Heaven, and the Revelation of John with its "666" didn't have very long to spread; was it written precisely because he was reaching 100 and Christ hadn't come, hence he needed a rationale for believers to keep waiting way past the original expected due date, maybe as long as another 100?

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