Alaric I of the Visigoths (370-410) St. Augustine of Hippo (354-430) Pope St. Innocent I (-417) Pulcheria (399-453) Hypatia (370-415) Attila the Hun (406-53) Byzantine Emperor Marcian (396-457) St. Patrick (387-461) Cerdic of Wessex (-534)

T.L. Winslow's Fifth (5th) Century Historyscope 400-499 C.E.

© Copyright by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.

Odoacer of the Visigoths (433-93) Last Roman Emperor Romulus Augustus (461-) Byzantine Emperor Zeno (426-91) Pope St. Leo I the Great (-461) Childeric I of the Franks (437-81) Theodoric the Great of the Ostrogoths (454-526) Clothilde of Burgundy (475-548) Clovis I of the Franks (466-511) St. Severinus of Noricum (410-82)

400 410 420 430 440 450 460 470 480 490

The Fifth (5th) Century C.E. (400-499)

The Curtain Falls Part I, or, Breaking Up Is Hard to Do, or, The Hard Part's Waiting for Winter? The century in which the depopulated, plague and famine-stricken Western Roman Empire is run by lazy, sybaritic pagan slavemasters rolling in gold and silver in a prone position, while the grasping Roman Catholic Church, now a state within the state is ever-ready to cut the state loose and close its grip? Watch it collapse and break up under a sea of wild and crazy guys, German Vandals (Arian), Goths (Arian), Franks (Athanasian) and other tribes looking for Lebensraum, hunkering down in Italy, Gaul, Spain, N Africa, and Britain, then trying to survive from day to day in ignorance and illiteracy in the ruins of a former literate blue horizon after mad dwarf Attila the Hun and his hordes of horsemen deal the West a fatal blow, not to mention that the eternal lack of social justice can't keep an imperialist system working when it has no new conquered lands to hand out to the soldiers, and all of which isn't helped by the famous pagan prophecy that Rome is in its twelfth and last century? Instead of making a better, wiser new empire and continuing and expanding the civilization process, the Christians, who are permanently split between murderous Arian heteros and equally murderous Athanasian homos hate each other too much to band together against the common foe or make the impossible pass in traffic and find a Constitution Solution, and finally call the game quits and divide up the fallen empire on religious lines, all thinking Arby's? One good thing: it's the last century without any Muslims in it?

The map is redrawn before the fall with popes, bishops, prefects, caesars and augusti in control of armies, minds and hearts in a neverending story of venomous religious doctrinal disputes, always with an eye towards a totalitarian state church, while what Roman pagans are left are definitely living in the past now? The French, English, Italians, Spanish, Germans et al. are born raw and cumin' atchya in the upcoming millennium-long Dark Ages (500-1500 according to Caesar Baronius) (476-1450?) and Middle Ages (400-1300 according to Petrarch), as the few who still can clark (read and write) begin to dive into the basket of monasteries and destroy or refuse to preserve any remaining pagan books not used as butt wipe by the barbarians along with any and all knowledge of science, philosophy, and history?

Country Leader From To
Western Roman Empire Flavius Honorius (384-423) Jan. 23, 393 Aug. 15, 423 Roman Emperor Honorius (384-423)
Eastern Roman Empire Flavius Arcadius (377-408) 395 (Jan. 383) May 1, 408 Roman Emperor Flavius Arcadius (377-408)
Papacy St. Anastasius I (-401) Nov. 27, 399 Dec. 19, 401 Pope St. Anastasius I (-401)

400 - The St. Ambrose of Milan vs. St. Augustine of Hippo Year?

'Christ Pantocrator' in the Church of Santa Pudenziana, 400-410 Church of San Angelo, Perugia

400 In this cent. the Western Roman Empire collapses while you watch; pop.: 50M; Germans in the Roman army: 30%-50% (vs. 5-10% in 200). Roman consuls: Flavius Stilicho and Aurelianus. At the beginning of the cent. the Arian Visigoths are in Thrace; the Ostrogoths are on the Russian steppes as far E as the Don; the Huns are in Pannonia; the East Germanic Arian Vandals (originally from modern-day Poland between the Oder and Vistula Rivers) control C and E Spain; the Iranian Alans (Alani) (Aryan) tribe from SE Russia controls SW Spain; the Burgundians rule the S shore of the Baltic Sea between the Elbe and Vistula, centered on the Oder River; the Suevi (Suebi) (Suavi) (Suevians) ("one's own") (originally from between the Oder and Elbe Ribers) control NW Spain, as well as the land S of the Burgundians between the Oder and Elbe Rivers; the Germanic Angles rule the Anglia Peninsula in the Anglia River Valley (branch of the Suevi River) in the N Low Countries S of Denmark (Jutland) (Baltic shore of modern-day Schleswig-Holstein); the Germanic Saxons (originally from Schleswig-Holstein) rule the S shore of the North Sea between the Rhine and the Elbe Rivers; the Germanic Jutes (Luti) (Lutae) rule Denmark (Jutland); the Germanic confederation of Sicambrian Franks (Ger. "freemen") control the E bank of the Rhine River between Worms and Cologne, getting pushed by the Huns over the Rhine River into modern-day Belgium and N France in Gaul near the Ardennes Forest, in the region later known as the Kingdom of Austrasia, featuring the core region of Lorraine; the Germanic Lombards (Langobards) ("long beards") (originally from S Sweden) control the lands W of the Huns above the Danube River down almost to the North Sea between the Rhine and Elbe River (N of the Franks); the Slavs control E Europe and Russia, incl. Slovakia; the (Aryan?) Serbs control the shore of the Black Sea. Early in this cent. Christianity reaches Ireland. In this cent. the Roman Catholic Church divides up the Roman Empire for admin. purposes: the Diocese of Gaul, with the Rhine River as the N boundary; the Diocese of Spain, incl. Portugal and Morocco; the Diocese of Britain, which excludes Scotia (modern Ireland) and Pictland (modern Scotland); the Prefecture of Italy, divided into the N Diocese of Italy, run by the Langobards, and the S Diocese of Rowe (Goth Italy), incl. Sicily, Corsica, Sardinia, and the Diocese of Africa; the Prefecture of Illyricum incl. Greece, Albania ("land of the eagle") and Yugoslavia W of the Danube; the Prefecture of the East incl. Turkey through Egypt. The Visigoths under Alaric siege Emona (Lyublyana) on the Sava River. Crawley (Crow's Leah or Wood) 28 mi. S of London, England, site of Bronze Age ironworks is settled by the Saxons. About this year Greek mathematician-astronomer-philosopher Hypatia (370-415) succeeds her father as head of the retrenching Platonist school in Alexandria, the last hurrah of pagan learning in the last days of the Western Roman Empire - the battle of the sexes hits men in trees? The Persian Sassanids (Sassanians) under Christian shah Yazdgird I occupy Mesopotamia and Armenia; early in this cent. Yazdgird I calls the Council of Seleucia, which accepts the Nicean Creed. In this cent. the Romerike tribe in SE Norway flourishes (until the 7th cent.); mentioned in Beowulf. Western Liang (Xiliang) Empire in China is founded by the Li family of Han Chinese (ends 421), with Taizu (Li Gao) (-417) as king #1 (until 417). About this time Chinese Buddhist monk Faxian (Fa-Hsien) (337-422) visits India, Ceylon and Java (incl. Jumbini, birthplace of Buddha) searching for the Buddhist Books of Disciples, writing A Record of Buddhistic Kingdoms. In this cent. the Lapps, AKA Samis range over Sweden, Norway, Finland, and Russia. In this (4th?) (6th?) cent. C.E. the Polynesians (from the Marquesas Islands?) reach Easter Island and Hawaii in super twin-hulled outrigger canoes propelled by sails and paddles, with only the knowledge of skies, weather, winds, and ocean currents for navigation?; turns out to be a myth? - all I ask is a tall canoe and a star to steer her by? In this cent. the city of Yezd (Yazd) 160 mi. SE of Isfahan in Persia is founded. In this cent. the Germanic code of Comitatus in the Scandinavian countries between king (or feudal lord) and thanes (warriors), who swear to fight to the death and/or avenge his death in return for land, treasure, and protection, regardless of family ties becomes common. In this cent. Syrian monk (St.) John Maro ("master") founds the Maronite sect, a Christian Uniate sect based in Lebanon, with a patriarch recognized by the pope. In this cent. the Zen Buddhist and Amidist (Pure Land) Buddhist sects are established - do you like brain teasers, I got a good one for you? In this cent. (St.) Illtud (Illtyd) (Eltut), a Welsh priest in Glamorgan County flourises, founding the first center of learning in Britain, growing to 1K students incl. St. Patrick, St. David, Gildas, and Samson of Dol; he builds his 2nd church near modern-day Llantwit Fardre; feast day: Nov. 6. About this time a Mayan king is buried beneath the El Diablo pyramid in El Zotz in modern-day N Guatemala, along with the bones of six children, incl. bowls containing fingers and teeth. Now that it's the established religion of Rome, Christendom shows a mean streak toward the Jews, with St. Ambrose of Milan (337-97) advocating a convert-or-die policy, until St. Augustine of Hippo (354-430) comes up with the "lovely brainwave" (Moses Mendelssohn) that they should be allowed to live and stay Jews, but be kept down as a wandering "witness people" that would serve as proof of what happens to those who reject Christ and his salvation, and hence must be kept from returning to Jerusalem and setting up their capital there as a matter of theology - clean makeup, easy breezy beautiful? About this time the Arabs of Najran in SW Arabia convert to Christianity, becoming the first foothold of Christianity in S Arabia. By this cent. the Tantra style of religious ritual and meditation arises in India; "Tantra is that Asian body of beliefs and practices which, working from the principle that the universe we experience is nothing other than the concrete manifestation of the divine energy of the godhead that creates and maintains that universe, seeks to ritually appropriate and channel that energy, within the human microcosm, in creative and emancipatory ways." (David Gordon White) About this time Christians begin using bells to summon worshipers. Inventions: In the 5th cent. C.E. a method of turning sugar cane juice into sugar crystals (Sansk. "gravel", "sand") is discovered by the Gupta Empire in India; the crystals are called khanda ("gravel", "sand") (candy); Indian sailors carry knowledge of sugar on their trade routes, and Buddhist monks carry the knowledge to China, which sends a mission to India in 647 to learn the technology, and establishes its first sugar cane plantations in the 7th cent.; in the 8th cent. Arab traders introduce it from South Asia throughout the Abbasid Caliphate incl. Mesopotamia, the Mediterranean, Egypt, North Africa, and Analusia. In this cent. steel is made in China from wrought iron and cast iron; also in this cent. the Umbrella is invented in China; In this cent. the Chinese print full pages of characters using a single woodblock; they also invent true ink made from lampblack. In this cent. the word "chemistry" is coined by Alexandrian scholars - it's definitely time for the science-fearing Christians to burn their library? Sports: About this time Bowling begins in Germany according to German historian William Pehle, not as a recreation but as a way to vindicate oneself from sin by trying to knock down a club (kegel) with a rock, with the kegel representing the heathen (heide), causing bowlers to be called keglers. Architecture: The Santi Giovanni e Paolo Church is founded in Rome on the W base of the Caelian Hill about this year. About this time the Church of Santa Prisca on the crest of the Aventine Hill in Rome is built on the alleged site of the house of Aquila and Prisca, who hosted St. Peter. In this cent. the Church of San Angelo, a circular structure with interior columns is built in Perugia, Italy. About this time (400-410) the bearded Christ Pantocrator (Gr. "All-Powerful") is painted in the Church of Santa Pudenziana in Rome, which becomes the first place of Christian worship in Rome. Nonfiction: In this cent. Roman (Goth?) writer Vinidarius compiles a cookbook that he claims are excerpts from the recipes of Apicius; it is preserved in an 8th cent. uncial ms. Novels: In the first half of this cent. Vergilius Romanus, an illuminated copy of Vergil is produced in Britain, becoming the oldest British book to survive to modern times. Xenophon of Ephesus, Ephesiaca; earliest source for the story of Romeo and Juliet. Births: Gothic (Alanic) Eastern Roman army CIC Flavius Ardabur Aspar (Aspidar) (Aspwar) (Pers. "horse-master") (d. 471); son of Ardaburius the Elder; father of Ardabur (-471). Arab pagan line founder Qusayy (Kusayy) (Qusai ibn Kilab ibn Murrah) (d. 480); of the Quraysh tribe; son of Kilab ibn Murrah, an alleged direct descendant of Abraham through his son Ishmael, and Fatimah bint Sa'd ibn Sayl, who after Kilab's death marries Rabi'ah ibn Haram of the Bani Azra tribe, who takes Qusayy with her to as-Sham and gives borth to son Darraj; younger brother of Zuhrah ibn Kilab, progenitor of the Banu Zuhrah clan; husband of Hubba bint Hulail; great-grandfather of Shaiba ibn Hashim (Abdul-Mutallib); great-great-great-grandfather of Muhammad (570-632).

401 - The Alaric I vs. Flavius Stilicho Pope St. Innocent I Year?

Alaric I of the Visigoths (370-410) Roman Gen. Flavius Stilicho (359-408) Radagaisus (350-406) Pope St. Innocent I (-417)

401 Roman consuls: Flavius Vincentius and Flavius Fravitta. Early in the year a group of barbaric Germans, incl. Ostrogoths, Alans, Suevi, Vandals, and Burgundians under pagan Ostrogoth king Radagaisus (350-406) cross the Danube River and invade Rhaetia (N of Cisalpine Gaul) and Noricum. In Oct. after an anti-German faction triumphs in Constantinople, the Visigoths under Alaric I (370-410) turn on their former allies, cross the Alps, and invade Italy in Nov., sieging Aquileia, ravaging Istria and Venetia, and conquering N Italy up to Piacenza, threatening Milan, but half-Vandal orthodox Trinitarian Gen. Flavius Stilicho (359-408) soon is on their case, sending word to whimp emperor Honorius not to abandon Milan for Gaul; meanwhile the panicked citizens of Rome attempt to rebuild their walls. Innocent or Not Guilty as Charged? On Dec. 19 Pope (since 399) Anastasius I dies, and on Dec. 22 Pope (#40) (St.) Innocent I (-417) is elected, beginning the not-so-innocent claim that the pope is the custodian of the apostolic tradition, AKA the Petrine Theory, based on a twisted interpretation of the Gospels (Matt. 16:16-18, Luke 22:31-32, John 21:16-17), which considers the bishop of Rome as the automatic successor of the Apostle Peter (who may never have lived in Rome?), to whom Jesus had allegedly given "the power of the keys of the Kingdom of Heaven", and therefore the Church should have universal jurisdiction over all dioceses, with the bishop of Rome as the head, complete with the power to define doctrine and exercise admin. and disciplinary control - the towels in the executive washroom are kinda scratchy? In St. Pammachius is thanked by St. Augustine for a letter he wrote to the people of Numidia exhorting them to abandon the Donatist heresy. Architecture: The Temple of Artemus (twin sister of Apollo - not Diana, that's the Roman copycat?) in Ephesus is torn down by St. John Chrysostom - is there any freedom of worship left for pagans who just want to have fun? Births: Roman emperor #83 (408-50) Flavius Theodosius II (the Calligrapher) (d. 450) on Apr. 10; eldest son of Arcadius (377-408) and Aelia Eudoxa (-404); brother of Pulcheria (399-453). Roman emperor #96 (454-74) (St.) Leo I (the Thracian) (d. 474); husband of Verina; feast day: Jan. 20.

402 - The Deal or No Deal Year? Italy becomes completely dependent on troops from its provinces to defend itself, risking the provinces to the barbarians?

402 Roman consuls: Flavius Arcadius and Flavius Honorius. In Jan. the infant Theodosius II is crowned Augustus. Roman Gen. Stilicho, finding that Italy doesn't have enough troops any more to defend itself, urgently rounds up every Roman soldier from the Rhine he can get, leaving it unguarded, then recruits some select German Alamanni youths and non-German Alani cavalry, and even sends for the remaining troops on Hadrian's Wall in Britain (even though they don't have enough time to arrive before it's over?); meanwhile Alaric I and his tall long-haired fur-wrapped Visigoths siege Milan, and whimp emperor Honorius, "accompanied by a feeble train of statesmen and eunuchs, hastily retreated towards the Alps, with a design of securing his person in the city of Arles, which had often been the royal residence of his predecessors" - (Gibbon, Ch. 30); pursued by the Goth cavalry, he ends holed-up in Asta in Liguria (Piemont) on the Tanarus River, and is about to be captured when Stilicho suddenly arrives John Wayne style with the cavalry, and the Goths hold a pow-wow in which Alaric changes their minds about retreating by declaring that he is resolved to find in Italy either a kingdom or a grave; on Apr. 6 (Mar. 29 Old Style) (Sun.) the orthodox Roman Catholic Romans surprise the Arian Visigoth camp while celebrating Easter at the Battle of Pollentia in modern-day Pollenza near Asti on the left bank of the Tanaro River in the Alps pocket WNW of Genoa (25 mi. SE of Turin), getting around the sacrilege by having the Roman cavalry charge be led by pagan barbarian (Alanii) Gen. Saul, but it almost backfires when the pissed-off Goths think God will help them win; the chieftain of the Alans dies fighting on the Roman side, causing his cavalry troops to flee, but Stilicho fills the gap, and the Goths retreat by evening, and the Romans raid their camp, slaughtering them and recovering much of the booty taken (capturing Alaric's wife?); Stilicho's wife Serena pays for a new floor in the Basilica of the Apostles to celebrate the big V; Marcus Aurelius Prudentius Clemens (348-413) of Tarraconensis (N Spain) (the first Roman Christian poet) writes Contra Symmachum, touting the Roman V, comparing it to Marius' 101 B.C.E. V over the Cimbri 60 mi. away. Roman emperor Honorius decides to find a safer site than Milan for his royal palace, and chooses the ancient lagoon-filled Etruscan city of Ravenna (modern-day pop. 158K) on the Adriatic coast of E Italy in Umbria, 10 mi. from the southernmost of the seven mouths of the Po River, digging a harbor for 250 warships and the naval station of Classis, then building the artificial Via Caesaris causeway connecting the marshy country to an island city made up of a a series of Venice-like canals with houses built on wooden piles in three quarters; too bad, this leaves Rome open to barbarian invasions, forcing the popes to step up as mayors; it becomes the capital of the Western Roman Empire until 476, then capital of the Ostrogothic Kingdom until 540, then the center of the Byzantine Exarchate of Ravenna until 751, when it becomes the capital of the Kingdom of the Lombards; it eventually becomes one of the most populous cities of Italy.

403 After agreeing to return to Illyricum in exchange for his captured men, Alaric I, his infantry gone, retreats with his cavalry over the Apennines, causing the Romans to celebrate a triumph in Rome with a bust of him in chains; he then ravages Tuscany and conquers Istria early in the year, continuing to cling to his dream of taking Rome, but his independent chieftains accept a secret deal with the ministers of Honorius (who believes that war with the Eastern Roman Empire is inevitable) to leave Italy and receive a pension in return for joining forces with him in an attack on the Easterners; too bad, on the way out he double-crosses Honorius, decides to attack Verona (which commands the passage to the Rhaetian Alps), then recruits more Germans and sacks Gaul, but the same chieftains betray him and spill the beans, and he is ambushed and defeated near Verona by the Romans under Gen. Stilicho, causing him to hole up on some rocks until he is forced by starvation, disease and desertions to leave Italy and head E back to Epirus (Dalmatia), still considering the deal to help with the attack on the Eastern Roman Empire to be valid. With all the barbarian threats to worry about, Emperor Honorius restores large sections of the Aurelian Wall, which remain to modern times - plug it in, plug it in? Roman consuls: Flavius Theodosius II and Flavius Rumoridus. Nonfiction: Vigilantius (370-), Against Some Superstitious Church Practices; argues the stupidity of venerating relics, holding vigils in the basilicas of the martyrs, sending alms to Jerusalem, rejecting earthly goods, and attribution of special virtue to the virgin state, esp. with clergy; pisses off St. Jerome bigtime, causing him to pub. a refutation in 409, after which all copies of Vigilantius' works get lost? Deaths: Christian bishop St. Epiphanius of Salamis (b. 310); dies at sea en route from Constantinople to Salamis, Cyprus.

404 - The Razor Ravenna St. Telemachus Year?

St. Telemachus

404 On Jan. 1 Honorius and Stilicho celebrate a triumph in Rome, only the 4th in the last cent. (Constantine, Theodosius); an arch is erected claiming the total destruction of the Gothic nation, which will never rise again; Honorius spends several mo. in Rome, trying to make everybody feel good again by visiting the clergy on the one hand and attending the Dec. games on the other, the latter featuring not only chariot races but wild beast hunts and a military dance along with gladiator fights, which are interrupted by Christian poet Aurelius Prudentius Clemens, who gives a speech denouncing them, followed by Asian monk St. Telemachus (a myth?) rushing into the arena to tell them to make somebody stop the fight and being stoned to death by angry spectators, causing whimpy Honorius to pass laws prohibiting human sacrifices; grumblers predict that the martial spirit of the Romans, their obliviousness to the sight of blood, and their contempt of death will evaporate, making them easy prey for the bloody barber-arians - and they are right, since Rome falls to the Goths in 476? Fergus II (-420) becomes king of Dalriada in W Scotland. Inventions: St. Mesrob (361-440) invents a 36-letter alphabet for Armenian - you're serious about your business, you do whatever it takes to make it succeed, even if you're not part of the Fortune 500? Roman consuls: Flavius Honorius and Aristagnetus. Deaths: Roman poet Claudian (b. 370).

405 - The Rosily Sibylline Index Prohibitorum St. Jerome Vulgate Book Year?

St. Jerome (340-420)

405 On Oct. 8 after crossing the Alps, Radagaisus and his Ostrogoth hordes begin sieging Florence (its first siege in 500 years), and attempt to starve it into submission, but Bishop Zenobius leads the pop. into resisting and waiting for Roman relief troops; after their prophesies disturb him, Gen. Stilicho orders the destruction of the pagan Sibylline Books; seeing his chance, Pope Innocent I issues the first Index Prohibitorum (List of Prohibited Books); all remaining pagan libraries are served notice that everything they've got is on the list? Irish raids on Britain end after Niall Noigiallach (Gael. "Niall of the Nine Hostages"), Celtic high king of Ireland (since 378) is KIA at sea; his descendants are called the Ui Neill; his son Eoghan mac Neill (Eógan mac Néill) (-465) (close friend of St. Patrick) of Inishowen in W Ulster in modern-day County Donegal founds the Cenel nEogain (Cenél nEógain) branch of the Northern Ui Neill along with the overkingdom of Ailech (Gael. "the North") (In Fochla) (In Tuaiscert) based in the Grianan of Aileach ring-shaped stone hillfort on top of Greenan Mountain in modern-day County Donegal, whose last king is Mael Sechlainn mac Murichertaig Mac Lochlainn (1177-85), changing to the kings of Tir Eoghain (Gael. "land of Eoghan/Owen") in counties Tyrone, Armagh, Down, Antrim, Londonerry, and NW Donegal as well as Argyll in Scotland, which end with Aed Buide Ua Neill (-1283). Emperor (since 400) Richu dies, and his 9-ft.-tall younger brother (son of Nintoku) Hanzei (336-410) becomes Japanese Yamato emperor #18 (until 410), ruling from Shibakaki Palace in Tajihi. Nonfiction: St. Jerome (340-420), The Vulgate Bible (Lat. "versio vulgata" = commonly-used version); the first Latin trans. of the Bible, using his vast knowledge of Latin, Greek, and Hebrew to create a work that the commoners can understand and the scholars can appreciate; begun after being commissioned by Pope Damasiius I in 382 to revise the Vetus Latina (Old Latin) version of the Old and New Testaments; too bad, literacy is virtually kaput until the 11th and 12th cents.; the Council of Trent (1545-63) makes it the official Latin Bible of the Roman Catholic Church. first Latin trans. of the Bible, using his vast knowledge of Latin, Greek, and Hebrew to create a work that the commoners can understand and the scholars can appreciate; too bad, literacy is virtually kaput until the 11th and 12th cents. Roman consuls: Flavius Stilicho and Anthemius. Deaths: Roman historian Quintus Aurelius Symmachus (b. 340); leaves nine Books of Letters describing his times. Japanese Yamato emperor #17 (400-5) Richu (b. ?).

406 - The Arian Germans breach the Rhenish frontiers and overrun the Western Roman Empire with new colors and a new team?

406 On Aug. 23 Gen. Stilicho, assisted by some Alans and some Huns under Uldin ambushes Radagaisus' mixed force of Vandals and Suevi on their way down the Mugnone Valley from Faesulae (Fiesole) in Tuscany at Montereggi, and kills Radagaisus, then incorporates the survivors into the Roman army. Godigisel is killed in battle before his people force a crossing of the Rhine River into Roman territory, and his eldest son Gunderic (379-428) becomes king of the E Germanic Arian Vandals (until 428), who take advantage of the vacuum of Roman troops on the Rhine frontier caused by the need to defend Italy and have the gall to invade Gaul along with thousands of other E Germans (Suevi, Alamanni, Burgundians), plus non-German Alani (Alans), crossing the frozen Rhine near the Main River on Dec. 31 looking for Lebensreim, er, Lebensraum, and capturing and sacking Reims (Rheims); Gaul becomes a funeral pyre. Births: Hun 3-1/2' chieftain Attila (Gothic for "little father"?) the Hun (the Mundzuk) (d. 453), the "Scourge of God" (Flagellum Dei); son of Mundzuk of the Tanjous; nephew of Rugilas (Roas); "Short of stature, with a broad chest and a large head, his eyes small, his beard thin and sprinkled with gray, and a flat nose and tanned skin, showing evidence of his origin" (Priscus according to Jordanes); a Calmuck?; the barbarian's barbarian, proud of the fact that grass never grew where his horse's hoof had trod; allegedly a wounded heifer leads a Hun shepherd to the buried sword of Mars, which is presented to Attila, and after every battle a 900 ft. x 900 ft. altar of faggots is erected with the sword placed on top, and the hundredth captive sacrificed (along with cattle), after they cut off his shoulder and arm and throw it into the air to determine omens from the way it lands; "The portrait of Attila exhibits the genuine deformity of a modern Calmuck; a large head, a swarthy complexion, small deep-seated eyes, a flat nose, a few hairs in the place of a beard, broad shoulders, and a short square body, of nervous strength, though of a disproportioned form. The haughty step and demeanor... expressed the consciousness of his superiority above the rest of mankind; and he had a custom of fiercely rolling his eyes, as if he wished to enjoy the terror which he inspired." - Gibbon, Ch. 34. Roman consuls: Flavius Arcadius and Anicius Petronius Probus. Deaths: Vandal king Godigisel (b. 359) (KIA).

Roman Emperor Constantine III (-411)

407 The Vandals et al. follow the Moselle and Aisne as they sack Amiens, Arras and Tournai, then turn S into Aquitania, reaching the Mediterranean - I'm going to need towels and three volunteers? Constantine III (Bendigeit Custennin) (-411) leads a revolt in Britain, claiming the purple as Roman emperor #82 (until 411), and going to Gaul with most of the remaining regular forces, deciding to permanently abandon Britain and let Picts from the N, and Angles, Saxons, and Jutes from Germany (originally hired as mercenaries by the Brythons) fight it out; Visigoth king Alaric I in Noricum is paid a huge sum of gold by the Roman Senate to take on the usurper; meanwhile barbarian Gen. Stilicho falls out of favor in Constantinople, and his head is on the chopping block. Roman consuls: Flavius Honorius and Flavius Theodosius II. Deaths: Greek archbishop of Constantinople (398-407) St. John Chrysostom (b. ?) on Sept. 14 in Comana, Pontus; [The Jews are] "inveterate murderers, destroyers, men possessed by the Devil"; "Debauchery and drunkenness have given them the manners of pigs and lusty goats. They know only one thing, to satisfy their gullets, get drunk, to kill and maim one another. They murder their offspring and burn them to the Devil... The Jewish disease must be guarded against. The Christian's duty is to hate the Jews." Roman bishop or Rouen (393-407) St. Victricius (b. 330).

Roman Emperor Theodosius II (401-50) Roman Empress Pulcheria (399-453)

408 The pop. of Rome riots and kills all the assimilated Visigoth families living in the area. On May 1 Roman emperor #79 (since 395) Arcadius (b. 377) dies, causing the planned Western Roman attack on the Eastern Roman Empire to be abandoned, pissing-off Alaric I and causing him to demand two tons of gold as an indemnity; Arcadius' 7-y.-o. son Theodosius II (Flavius Theodosius Junior) (the Calligrapher) (401-50) becomes Roman emperor #83 of the East (until July 28, 450), with his eldest sister (a dedicated virgin) Aelia Pulcheria (Lat. "beautiful") (399-453) as regent and real ruler, and Praetorian Prefect Anthemius as co-regent (until 414), who has the Theodosian Walls built, incl. a new W wall for Constantinople to protect the rapidly-growing suburbs, and a connecting seawall; Constantine III makes Arles in S Gaul his capital. Thanks for saving my life, sucka? On Aug. 22 Flavius Stilicho (b. 365) is decapitated by Count Heraclian in a churchyard in Ravenna on treason charges on orders of Emperor Honorius, who fears that he is plotting to put his own son Eucherius on the throne, and wants to renege on the 2-ton gold payment which Stilicho had insisted on being paid; Eucherius is murdered a few mo. later, followed by Stilcho's wife Serena, then the families of the barbarian auxiliaries in Italy, causing 30K of them to go over to madder-then-hell Alaric I in Noricum, who plans a revenge tour on Rome, sieging it and demanding and receiving a huge ransom. Roman consuls: Anicius Bassus and Flavius Philippus. Architecture: The Hexamillion Wall of Corinth is built by Theodosius II (finished 450), guarding entrance to the Peloponnesus. Deaths: Roman gen. Flavius Stilicho (b. 359) on Aug. 22 in Ravenna (executed). Christian nun St. Olympias (b. 360) on July 25 in Nicomedia. Roman emperor #79 (395-408) Arcadius (b. 377) on May 1.

409 - The Don't Just Live Thrive Friesian Gene Year?

Coel Hen of York (350-420) Roman Emperor Constans II (-411) Roman Emperor Priscus Attalus (-417)

409 The last Romans are expelled by the Britons, kissing Londinium (once 30K in pop.) and all the rest goodbye, and giving the starving Angles, Saxons, and Jutes of NW Europe a green light, with 200K eventually arriving just as the beleaguered Celts (Picts) begin raiding S while the new-kid-on-the-block Saxons mass for an attack up the Shit, er, Thames River; the line of Roman duces (defending generals) of Britain ends, and Coel Hen (350-420) (later known as Old King Cole) becomes the first Celtic high king of Brittonic-speaking N Britain and S Scotland, ruling from Eburacum (York); Hadrian's Wall is abandoned, and local builders begin scavenging its cut stones, leaving only a remnant by modern times; despite the true owners of the island, the Celts coming out of hiding to take the island back, they are crippled by generations of being barred from carrying weapons, causing them to be poor soldiers who lose every battle and get pushed back to their hiding places, while those who are captured become servants to the nouveau riche Anglo-Saxons, who set up an apartheid with six social levels for the underclass Britons, five of which are slave classes, causing the birthrate of the Britons to dwindle while that of the Anglo-Saxons zooms, so that eventually every other man on the island carries the "Friesian gene"; Anglo-Saxon kings begin to be crowned on a coronation stone at Kingston (Old English "king's manor") upon Thames (AKA Chingestone, Chingetune), 12 mi. upriver from London near an easy ford in Surrey. Constans II (-411) is raised to the rank of Augustus (Roman emperor #84) (until 411) by usurper Constantine III to deal with the Vandals, who, led by Gunderic's brother Genseric, leave Toulouse and overrun Aquitaine, then break into Spain through the Pyrenees, along with the Suevi and Alans, causing a civil war. Roman Gen. Gerontius (-411) (Lat. "old man") rebels against Constantine III, proclaims his son Maximus of Hispania (-422) as Augustus (Roman emperor #85 of the West) (until 422), then marches to Gaul. The Visigoths under Alaric I siege Rome again, then force palace couch potato Honorius (hiding safe in Ravenna) to abdicate, and appoint his puppet, pagan Sen. (prefect of Rome) Priscus Attalus (-417) as Roman emperor #86 of the West, the last non-Christian Roman emperor, lasting only a few mo. until Alaric removes him for hampering his negotiations with Honorius, then restores him in Burdigala in 414 for a short time until the Visigoths ditch him and he is captured by Honorius' men, forced to participate in Honorius' triumph in Rome in 416, and exiled to the Aeolian Islands. Yazdgird I of Persia (d. 420) concludes a peace treaty with Rome, King Varaz-Bakur II dies, and his son Mihrdat IV becomes king of Iberia (Kartli) in E Georgia (until 411). Dao Wu Di dies, and his eldest son Ming Yuan Di (Tuoba Si) (392-423) becomes emperor #2 of the Northern Wei in China (until 423). Citing a collatio by St. Augustine claiming that Emperor Constantine chose the Roman Catholic Church over them, Emperor Honorious' secy. of state Marcellinus of Carthage issues a decree declaring Donatists to be heretical, demanding the surrender of their churches. Roman consuls: Flavius Honorius and Flavius Theodosius II. Nonfiction: St. Jerome, Against Vigilantius; rails against Vigilantius (370-) from Gaul. Deaths: Roman senator (St.) Pammachius (b. ?); feast day: Aug. 30.

410 - The Rome's Roots Are Torn Up Year? It's a fire sale for the five-ten store of Rome in four-ten as Visigoths overrun Rome while Cicero rolls over in his grave? The Dark Ages begin?

Sack of Rome, 410 Ataulf of the Rome-sacking Visigoths (-415) St. Augustine of Hippo (354-430) Pharamond of the Franks (370-426)

410 Roman consuls: Flavius Varanes and Tertullus. On Aug. 24-27 after deposed emperor Honorius regains power, and Visigoth king Alaric I and his 40K-man army march down Italy yet one more time, and depose and imprison puppet Attalus, then stage a short siege marked by on-again-off-again negotiations, they enter through the Salarian Gate and sack Rome (say again?), leaving churches alone since they're still Christians, if heretic Arians, then after the emperor refuses to negotiate they head S towards Italy's granary in N Africa; Alaric I dies on the way to Sicily after losing his fleet and being turned back, and is buried in the bed of the Busento River; his brother-in-law Ataulf (Atawulf) (Athavulf) (Athaulf) (Ataulphus) (-415) from Narbonne in Gaul succeeds him, vowing to destroy the very name of Rome (home of the heretic Nicean Council crowd of bishops?), causing head bishop Pope Innocent I to leave the city until 412, while Ataulf invades Spain with his large Visigoth army by the end of the year; the woes of the prostrate city cause St. Augustine of Hippo (354-430) in North Africa to produce his 22-vol. escapist work (about a holy Augustus ruling an invincible holy city of Rome?) The City of God (De Civitate Dei Contra Paganos), as the real City of God is no longer able to protect what's left of the Roman Catholic Western Roman Empire from the heavy G.I. Joe and hairy Barbie-doll barbed Arians (barbarians)?; he at first claims "Behold, from Adam all the years have passed, and behold the 6,000 years are completed", but as the world shows no sign of ending he teaches that the Church should ditch the Book of Revelation because the Kingdom of God has actually arrived with its new political power, and imagines the Church as a worldwide empire acting as the instrument of the Holy Spirit to gradually transform the world, but preaches that the heavenly New Jerusalem should be the goal rather than the earthly one; he pushes the doctrine of "Totus Ubique" (the whole of God everywhere), invents the notion of the inner self, explores the inner relationship between the soul and God along with the idea of divine grace, and all with the cool language of a Roman-trained rhetorician, dissing the holier-than-thou Donatists by claiming that saints and sinners should all be part of the Catholic Church, and will be separated at the End of Time, with the mystical secret brotherhood of saints forming the City of God, and the sinners forming the Twin City of Hell; "That which man builds man destroys, but the city of God is built by God and cannot be destroyed by man", its role being "to inspire men and women to organize their communities in the image and likeness of the heavenly city"; the operational message is that Christians should get out and convert violent barbarians, with education relegated to survey courses on classical lit. (science and technology - fuggedaboutit), giving the Roman Catholic Church its Mission: Impossible for the next six cents.; too bad, his work is later used to justify persecution of heretics and Jews because membership in the Church is mandatory; in short, Da Dark Ages; Pope Innocent I laps it up and becomes a groupie? - duh, Jesus said be no part of this world (John 17:14-16)? The regional councils rebel against Constantinople. Pharamond (370-426) becomes king of the Salian Franks (until 426), according to the Gesta Regnum Francorum; mythical? Emperor (since 405) Hanzei dies, and Ingyo (-453), 4th son of emperor #16 Nintoku becomes Japanese Yamato emperor #19 (until 453). The First Gen. Synod of the Persian Church (Synod of Isaac) confirms the bishop of Seleucia-Ctesiphon as "Catholicos of the Orient", with equality with the sees of Rome, Alexandria, Antioch and Jerusalem, and adopts the Nicene Creed; it also establishes metropolitans for Nisibis, Arbela, Kirkuk, Basra, and Jundishapur; the Lakhmid Arabs of Hirta receive a Nestorian bishop. After the sack of Rome, British-born ascetic monk Pelagius flees to Carthage along with his follower Caelestius, where Pelagius meets St. Augustine, whose "Confessions" pissed him off with its line "Give me what you command and command what you will", making men into automatons who don't need to practice rigorous moral asceticism and struggle against evil behavior like he does. The Kingdom of Dyfed in SW Wales is established in the former territory of the Demetae (ends 920). Architecture: The first cemetery for new German immigrants in Britain is established in Dorchester-on-Thames near Oxford, and is soon filled with trinkets found along the Elbe River. Nonfiction: About this time (410-29) Roman pagan (Christian?) writer Martianus Minneus Felix Capella of Carthage writes The Marriage of Mercury and Philosophy (The Marriage of Philology and Mercury), a potpourri of allegorical classical wisdom, and the Encyclopedia of the Seven Arts, defining the trivium (grammar, logic, rhetoric) and quadrivium (arithmetic, geometry, music, astronomy) categories of education, which lead to serious study of philosophy and theology, and ends up ruling Western education all the way to the Renaissance; he leaves medicine and law out of the trivium since they are "earthly", i.e., applied not pure sciences. Births: Roman Catholic monk (St.) Severinus of Noricum (d. 482) in S Italy or N Africa; of noble birth; feast day: Jan. 8. Deaths: Japanese Yamato emperor #18 (405-10) Hanzei (b. ?).

Roman Emperor Jovinus (-413)

411 Roman emperor (since 409) Constans II is captured and executed in Vienne by Gen. Gerontius, who is defeated by Gen. Constantius (later Emperor Constantius III) in Arles; Maximus flees; Constantine III is defeated by Honorius' cmdr. Gen. Constantius (later Emperor Constantius III) and captured near Arles; meanwhile Roman gen. Jovinus (Jovinius) (-413) seizes power in Mainz, declaring himself Roman emperor #87 of the West (until 413). The Vandals make it to Seville in S Spain, giving the barbaric German Alan, Silingi, Suevi, and Vandal tribes possession of the Spanish (Pyrenean) Peninsula, causing the Roman province of Hispania to become kaput; the Suevi end up with the NW corner N of the Douri River, the Alans with the SW corner S of the Tagus River incl. Lusitania and Carthagena, the Silingi with Andalusia (Boetia), and the Vandals hang on in the center, leaving the Romans only in control in Catalonia, Aragon, and Navarre. King (since 409) Mirdav IV is defeated and captured by the Iranian Sassanid army, and his son Archil (-435) becomes king of Iberia (Kartli) in E Georgia. The Synod of Carthage sees St. Augustine debate the Donatists, swinging many of them to orthopedic orthodoxy, after which Pelagius moves to Palestine, causing Augustine to send Gallecian-born theologian Paulus (Paul) Orosius (375-419) to meet with him. Roman consuls: Flavius Theodosius II. Births: Greek Neoplatonist philosopher Proclus Lycaeus (the Successor) (d. 485) on Feb. 8 in Constantinople; pupil of Olympiodorus the Elder. Deaths: Roman monk-historian-theologian Tyrannius Rufinus (b. 344).

Roman Emperor Sebastianus (-413) St. Cyril of Alexandria (376-444)

412 Gen. Constantius expels Ataulf and his Visigoths from Italy, and they move N, ravage Etruria, cross the Alps, then ravage S Gaul, Genoa, Marseille, and Arles; meanwhile Jovinus proclaims his brother Sebastianus (-413) as Augustus (Roman emperor #88 of the West) (until 413). (St.) Cyril (376-444) becomes patriarch (archbishop) of Alexandria. The Roman Catholic Church expands into the vacuum in Rome? Pope Innocent I returns to Rome and takes the lead in the reconstruction of the city (the Catholic way?), insisting that all Western bishops recognize him as head in matters of worship - that Alaric thing was just a pilgrimage? Roman consuls: Flavius Honorius and Flavius Theodosius II.

413 On May 8 Honorius signs an edict providing tax relief for provinces of Italy that have been plundered by the Visigoths. Jovinus permits the Burgundians under Gundar (Guntiar) (Gunther) to settle on the left bank of the Rhine River between the Lauter and Nahe Rivers, and they go on to found a kingdom with capital at Wurms (Worms), after which Ataulf sieges Jovinus in Valentia (Valence) in SE France, captures and hands him over to Postumus Dardanus for execution, then does ditto with Sebastianus, settling for a time in Toulouse. Roman consuls: Lucius and Heraclianus. Deaths: Roman Christian poet Marcus Aurelius Prudentius Clemens (b. 348).

Galla Placidia (392-450)

414 In July Theodosius II bestows on Pulcheria the title of Augusta of the East; under her vow of celibacy she virtually rules the East with no worry about a hubby? Ataulf proclaims imprisoned Roman Sen. Priscus Attalus as rival Augustus in Bordeaux for the 2nd time in a ploy to get Honorius to accept settlement of his Visigoths on Roman territory as federated troops, but they abandon Priscus and he is eventually captured by Honorius' men; to twist Honorius' arm Ataulf captures and marries Honorius' pretty sister Aelia Galla Placidia (392-450) in Italy after the Roman ritual, but it doesn't work - he's still the wrong color, too white? Nanliang is eliminated. Bishop Abdas of Susa burns down a Zoroastrian temple, causing Persian king Yazdgard to order the destruction of Christian churches. Roman consuls: Flavius Constantius and Flavius Constans. Deaths: Greek historian Eunapius of Sardis (b. 347); leaves Continuation of the Chronicle of Dexippus from 270-404, and Lives of the Philosophers and Sophists.

415 - The Hypatia Year? Tell us to shut up, we will not shut up? A big year for Christians in Alexandria?

Hypatia (370-415) Kumaragupta I of N India (-455)

415 Roman consuls: Flavius Honorius and Flavius Theodosius II. In Mar. after Alexandrian bishop (since 412) (St.) Cyril of Alexandria (376-444) expels the Jews from Alexandria, Greek mathematician-astronomer-philosopher Hypatia of Alexandria (b. 370), the Neoplatonist librarian of Alexandria, who supports Orestes, pagan prefect of Alexandria for opposing persecution of pagans and Jews is jumped in her chariot, stripped naked, and dragged through the streets to the newly-depaganized Caesareum Church, and murdered by a mob of Coptic Christian monks (from Nitria?) led by Peter (working for Archbishop Cyril under the influence of Pulcheria), ending the Hellenistic Age; her skin is scraped off with sharpened oyster shells and she is set on fire while still alive?; the first burning by Christians of a witch?; the first burning by Christians of a witch?; she wasn't the librarian of Alexandria because Roman emperor Aurelian destroyed it in 272?; meanwhile St. Augustine writes meanwhile St. Augustine writes "The true image of the Hebrew is Judas Iscariot, who sells the Lord for silver. The Jew can never understand the Scriptures and forever will bear the guilt for the death of Jesus." In June the Synod of Jerusalem sees Paulus Orosius communicate the decisions of the 411 Synod of Carthage and read several of St. Augustine's writings against Pelagius; too bad, the Greeks in attendance don't understand Latin, and Pelagus counters with the immortal soundbyte: "Et quis est mihi Augustinus?" ("Who is Augustine to me?"), after which Jerusalem archbishop John II accuses Orosius of heresy in front of the synod, causing him to later write "Liber Apologeticus" in his defense. On Oct. 17 after expelling the pesky Jews from Alexandria under the influence of his sister Empress Pulcheria (399-453), Roman Byzantine Emperor (408-50) Theodosius II (the Calligrapher) (401-50) issues a decree prohibiting them from building new synagogues. On Dec. 26 the relics of St. Stephen are uncovered in Palestine, and taken by Paulus of Orosius to Braga, Spain via Hippo so he can deliver letters from Jerome to St. Augustine, his meeting causing him to come up with the idea for a new work against paganism, Historiae Adversus Paganos (7 vols.), which he finishes in 416-7 before disappearing from history. Under Roman pressure the Visigoths under Ataulf invade Aquitania and burn Bordeaux, then cross the Pyrenees and invade the Iberian Peninsula, where the grateful Jews find protection under them from the Trinitarian Christians; Priscus Attalus is cut loose by the Visigoths, captured by gen. Constantius, then paraded, mutilated (forefinger and thumb cut off so he can't draw a bow), and exiled (he can still flog his bishop?); too bad, Ataulf is assassinated in Barcelona in his bath by a servant of his Gothic noble enemy Sarus, whom Ataulf had slain earlier; Sarus' clan of the Amali immediately elect Sarus' brother Sigeric (-415) as king of the Visigoths, who murders Ataulf's six children from an earlier marriage "whom he tore, without pity, from the feeble arms of a venerable bishop", then treats his widow Galla Placidia (daughter of emperor Theodosius) "with cruel and wanton insult" by making her march 12 mi. on foot in a crowd of captives, pissing off Ataulf's supporters, who assassinate him after only seven days and replace him with Ataulf's relative (member of the Balti clan) Wallia (Valia) (-419), who goes on to extend his domain over most of Spain and S Gaul (Aquitaine), and establish his capital in (don't say Holy) Toledo (Roman town of Toletum, "raised aloft") in very defensible C Spain, built on a hill and surrounded on three sides by the Tagus River, with the Roman praetorium called the Alcazar as fortress. Chandragupta II dies, and his son Kumaragupta I (-455) becomes ruler of the Gupta Dynasty in N India (until 455), founding the Buddhist monastic community of Nalanda in Bihar 55 mi. SE of Patna in 427. The alleged birthplace of Old Testament prophet Zechariah is discovered in the Judean Hills SW of Jerusalem. Nonfiction: St. Augustine of Hippo (354-430), Liber ad Orosium contra Priscillianistas et Origenistas; his reply to Paulus Orosius' "Commonitorium". Paulus Orosius (375-419), Commonitorium Consultatio sive Commonitorium ad Augustinum de Errore Priscillianistarum et Origenistarum (Warnings and Reminders by Augustine Against the Errors of the Priscillians and the Origenists). Deaths: Poet-satirist-writer Synesius of Cyrene (b. 360), bishop of Ptolemais; friend of Aurelian, he was converted to Christianity under Theophilus of Alexandria, and leaves Letters of Synesius of Cyrene, with descriptions of his times. Egyptian Neoplatonist philosopher Hypatia (b. 370) in Mar. (murdered).

416 Krakatoa erupts. After the Romans blockade Spain, Wallia tries to cross the Fretum Herculaneum (Straits of Gibraltar) to the African granary, but loses his ships, and is forced to make terms with Honorius and restore Galla Placidia to him in exchange for supplies, agreeing to clear Spain of the other barbarians, destroying the Siling Vandals and decimating the Alani, who flee to the protection of Vandal king Gunderic. The Buddhist Rai Dynasty is founded in N India in Sindh (modern-day Pakistan), reaching from Kashmir to Karachi, Surat to Kandahar, an area of 600K sq. mi.; after an attack by the Muslims, it goes kaput in 644. After coming to believe that the act of baptism not the believer's faith saves them, the Catholic Church (Roman and Greek) makes Infant Baptism compulsory, resulting in hordes of unconverted adults, and spawning various protesting movements later called Anabaptist, Baptist, etc., who face persecution for rebaptizing believing adults, with as many as 50M (40K/year?) killed for their beliefs; in ? the Roman Catholic Church begins to baptize by sprinkling rather than immersion, creating more schisms, with the Greek Orthodox Church rejecting sprinkling and pouring; in ? the Roman Catholic Church adopts infant Communion, but drops it in ? Roman poet Rutilius Claudius Namatianus voyages along the coast from Rome to his home in S Gaul, later writing the poem De Reditu Suo (2 vols.), all of which is lost except 700 lines. Roman consuls: Flavius Theodosius II and Junius Quartus Palladius.

Pope St. Zosimas (-418) Pelagius (360-420)

417 On Jan. 1 Constantius III marries Honorius' sister Galla Placidia, going on to have future emperor Valentinian III in 419; somewhen Galla Placidia becomes the last female pilgrim to set foot on Mt. Athos (until ?), but she is ordered by an icon of the Virgin to halt, and turns around and exeunts. On Mar. 12 Pope Innocent I dies, and on Mar. 18 Pope (#41) (St.) Zosimus (Zosimas) (-418) (a Greek) is elected. Honorius grants Aquitaine (Aquitania) in Gaul to Visigoth king Wallia, who establishes his court at Toulouse. The preaching of Pelagianism (denial of the doctrine of original sin and affirmation of the freedom of the will, claiming that man is capable of spiritual good unaided by divine grace and that Adam's fall only involved himself), originated by British monk Pelagius (360-420) is outlawed by the Council of Carthage - causing him to leave Dodge in a hurry? Roman consuls: Flavius Honorius and Flavius Constantius.

Pope St. Boniface I (350-422)

418 On Dec. 26 Pope Zosimus dies, and on Dec. 28 Pope (#42) (St.) Boniface I (350-422) is elected; on Dec. 27 Eulalius (-423) is elected by a rival faction of the clergy (until Apr. 419), and the two popes begin a bareface deadly hilarious power struggle? The Romans strip Britain of its hoards of gold. British monk Pelagius settles in Palestine. St. Jerome writes of a synagogue: "If you call it a brothel, a den of vice, the Devil's refuge, Satan's fortress, a place to deprave the soul, an abyss of every conceivable disaster or whatever you will, you are still saying less than it deserves." Roman consuls: Flavius Honorius and Flavius Theodosius II. Births: Japanese Yamato emperor #21 (456-79) Yuryaku (Bu) (Ohatsuse Wakatake) (d. 479); 5th and youngest son of #19 Ingyo; younger brother of #20 Anko (2nd son). Deaths: Roman historian Paul Orosius (b. 375); dies after using the remains of St. Stephen to attempt to convert Jews to Christianity; leaves Liber Apologeticus.

419 - Is it amnesty or did they earn it?

419 Having cleared Spain like he promised, Wallia invades SW Gaul and conquers Aquitania Tertia (Novempopulana) between the Pyrenees and Garonne River, with capital at Eauze (Éauze); he then dies, and Theodoric I (-451) (OG "theuda" + "reich" = people + ruler), illegitimate son of Alaric I becomes king of the Visigoths (until 451), eventually having six sons and two daughters, and founding the Kingdom of Toulouse (ends 507), with capital at Toulouse, after receiving two-thirds of Aquitania, incl. Aquitania Tertia and Aquitania Secunda (the W part between the Loire and Garonne Rivers, with capital at Bordeaux), leaving only Aquitania Prima (the NE part, incl. Berry, Bourbonnais, Auvergne, Velay, and Rouergue, with capital at Bourges) to the Roman proprietors, becoming the first Gothic kingdom inside a Roman state - sounds a little too loose? Emperor Honorius calls a synod to decide who should be pope (first intervention by an emperor in a papal election), and when it can't decide he orders both claimants out of Rome so he can call a 2nd synod, but Eulalius uses force to occupy the Lateran until he is expelled, after which the 2nd synod deposes him in favor of sheepier Boniface on Apr. 3; Honorius then issues a decretal requiring unanimous election of popes; Boniface goes on to run a tight ship with strict rules and support St. Augustine against the pesky ascetic Pelagians. Jin An Di (b. 382) is killed by regent Liu Yu, and Jin Gong Di (-420) becomes Dong Jin emperor #11 of China (until 420), with Liu Yu holding real power. Roman consuls: Monoxius and Plintas. Births: Roman emperor #91 (425-55) Valentinian III (Placidus Valentinianus) (d. 455); son of Gallia Placida (half-sister of Honorius) and Constantius III.

Bahram V the Wild Ass of Persia (-438) Cruxifixion Scene, 420

420 Eugenius II (-452) becomes king of Dalriada in Scotland (until 452). Yazdgird I dies, and his son Bahram (Varahan) (Bahramgur) V (the Wild Ass) (-438) (whose mother Soshandukht is daughter of the Jewish exilarch) becomes Sassanid king #14 of Persia, being supported by the Arabs against his cousin Khusrau, who is backed by the nobles; he continues his daddy's persecution of the Christians, which he began near the end of his reign afer they began burning down Zoroastrian fire temples. Liu Yu forces Ji Gong Di to abdicate, and proclaims himself emperor Song Wu Di (Dexing) (Jinu) (363-422) (until 422), founding the Liu Song Dynasty in China (ends 479). The Second (2nd) Gen. Synod of the Persian Church (Synod of Yaaballaha I) is held; meanwhile Yazdgird I and Bahram V begin a new persecution of Christians. Duisburg (Dispargum) (Castrum Deutonis) in Westphalia at the confluence of the Ruhr and Rhine Rivers, founded earlier in this cent. by the Romans is settled by Franconians from C Germany, who found a royal court in Burgplatz, later becoming the site of Dispargum Castle, seat of King Chlodio(n) of the Franks. Long eclipsed by the symbol of the fish, the cross comes in vogue again, and is carved on the panel of an ivory Roman casket, becoming the earliest portrayal of the Crucifixion to survive to modern times. About this time Sulpicus Severus dies, leaving hagiographical works on St. Martin of Tours. Roman consuls: Flavius Theodosius II and Flavius Constantius. Births: Roman emperor #97 (457-61) Majorian (Iulius Valerius Maiorianus) (d. 461) in Nov. Roman emperor #99 (467-72) (last able Western Roman emperor?) Procopius Anthemius (d. 472). Deaths: Pannonian-born Bible-translating monk St. Jerome (b. 340); leaves Hieronymian Martyrology, a list of commemoration days of martyrs. British original sinless monk-theologian Pelagius (b. 360) in Palestine; really lives 20 years longer? British high king (ard ri) Coel Hen (Old King Cole) (b. 350).

Roman Emperor Constantius III (-421) Moroni

421 Roman consuls: Eustatius and Julius Agricola. On Feb. 8 Gen. Constantius, hubby of Galla Placidia becomes Roman emperor #89 of the West Constantius III, but dies of illness on Sept. 2. Honorius prohibits Pelagians from coming nearer to Rome than the 100-mi. marker; meanwhile new Roman consula Julius Agricola introduces Pelagianism into Britain. The Roman-Sasanian War of 421-2 begins of Bahram V's persecution of Christians, causing Byzantine emperor Theodosius II to declare war and send an army under Gothic army CIC Ardaburius (Ardabur) the Elder to invade Arzanene and Mesopotamia, sieging Nisibis and defeating seven Persian gens. Japanese Yamato emperor Ingyo sends messengers to the Chinese Song Dynasty, and again in 425. The Western Liang Kingdom in 16-kingdom China (founded 400) ends. Digging holes and planting trees, or, wake-n-stake? Moron, er, Mormon's son Moroni 2, last of the Nephite prophet-historians seals the sacred records known as the Book of Mormon (inscribed on gold plates) ("the keys of the record of the stick of Ephraim") in a stone box and hides them "up unto the Lord" in a hole in the ground in Cumorah Hill, then returns as a resurrected angel to visit lucky prophet Joseph Smith in his bedroom on the night of Sept. 21, 1823 and tell him where to dig them up on a hill in Manchester, Ontario County, N.Y. conveniently located near his home, and after being prevented for four years by the angel, he finally does it on Sept. 22, 1827, and in just three more years the great news is pub. to an ungrateful world; of course, the world never sees the gold plates, because Moroni takes them back and goes poof after leaving Smith with the copyright and leadership of the dupes, er, new church - that, yes, right store, right price, just what you're looking for at a mighty nice price, the original Elvis and the gold record?

422 - The Ronin Samurai Seeking a New Master Nature Abhors a Vacuum The Roman Emperors are Dead, Long Live The Roman Emperors Year? As the Roman Empire slides into the Sands of Time, the Great Sand Dune Monument of Roman Catholicism rises from it, while the eventual split with the Eastern Orthodox Catholic Church proves it's got a few cracks in the foundation?

Pope St. Celestine I (-432) St. Simeon Stylites (390-459)

422 On Sept. 4 Pope St. Boniface I (b. 350) dies, and on Sept. 10 Pope (#43) (St.) Celestine I (-432) is elected, becoming the first bishop of Rome to adopt the Roman emperor's celestial title of pontifex maximus (maximum bridge-builder to God, i.e., the only bridge to God for people in communion with the Church), and to claim that he is more equal than the other bishops in Christendom, using the Petrine Theory to appropriate the title of "papa" (Gr. "father") to the bishop of Rome alone (until now it was applied to all bishops?); the title of pope doesn't get all its modern connotations until the 600s when the Muslims are slamming them and they become like a losing sports team whose coach demands total control, although the title begins to be routinely used in the 500s in the days of Theodoric the Great of Italy (-526), when a synod declares the pope to be pure from all sin and exempt from human judgment - did they ever hear of stream pollution? Bahram V is defeated, agreeing to permit Persian Christians to seek refuge in the Roman Empire and halt persecution, ending the Roman-Sasanian War of 421-2. Song Wu Di (b. 363) dies, and his son Liu Yifu becomes Song Shao Di (406-24), Liu Song emperor #2 of China (until 424). After converting to Christinsanity at age 13 and spending his life trying to avoid temptations of the nasty flesh, Syrian monk (St.) Simeon Stylites (390-459) begins living on the top of a 45-ft. pillar with a 12-sq.-ft. baluster near Aleppo, but it backfires when he becomes a celeb and attracts crowds, incl. (gasp) women, only making him more determined; after fighting Satan for 37 years he finally croaks and goes straight to Heaven, starting a craze among monks? - women - can't live with them and can't live without them? Roman consuls: Flavius Honorius and Flavius Theodosius II. Births: French city-saver (patron saint of Paris) (St.) Genevieve (Geneviève) (Gael. "Gwenfrewi" = white wave or stream) (d. 512) in Nanterre; feast day: Jan. 3 - France gets its Guinevere without Arthur or Merlin? Deaths: Chinese Buddhist monk Faxian (b. 337). Roman pope St. Boniface I (b. 350) on Sept. 4 in Rome.

423 On Aug. 15 Roman emperor (since 393) Honorius (b. 384) dies, and Ioannes (Johannes) (John) (-425) seizes power in Ravenna, becoming Roman emperor #90 of the West (until 425). Emperor Theodosius II issues an edict in which he remarks "The pagans that remain, although now we may believe there are none." Ming Yuan Di dies, and his son Tai Wu Di (Tuoba Tao) (Foli) (408-52) becomes emperor #3 of the Northern Wei in China (until 452), going on to unite all of N China and double the size of his kingdom, ending the Sixteen Kingdoms Period (begun in 304), and beginning the Southern and Northern Dynasties Period with the Southern Liu Song (ends 589). Roman consuls: Asclepiodotus and Flavius Avitus Marinianus. Deaths: Roman emperor #81 (393-423) Honorius (b. 384) on Aug. 15.

Roman Gen. Flavius Aetius (396-454)

424 At the request of Roman gen. Flavius Aetius (396-454) in the name of Ioannes, 60K Huns march to Italy to support him; when they return, Aetius hates it, but lets them settle in Pannonia. Incompetent Song Shao Di (b. 406) is deposed and killed by his regents, who make his younger brother Liu Yilong into Song Wen Di (Che'er) (407-53), Liu Song emperor #3 of China (until 453), going on to create a period of prosperity. After being celestially pissed off by Celestine I, the Eastern Christian Church declares itself independent at the Council of Dadiso. The Third Gen. Synod of the Persian Church (Synod of Dadyeshu) confirms the Catholicos of the Church of the East as the "Patriarch of the East", no longer subject to Rome or Antioch; bishops are appointed for Herat and Samarkand. Roman consuls: Castinus and Victor.

Roman Emperor Valentinian III (419-55)

425 Theodosius II sends an expedition to Ravenna under Ardaburius (Ardabur) the Elder to overthrow usurper Ioannes and install first-grader Valentinian as emperor of the West; Ardabur is captured but persuades Ioannes' officials to betray him, and Ioannes is captured, mutilated, and executed; on Oct. 23 after the defeat of Ioannes, Valentinian III (Placidus Valentinianus) (419-55), son of Honorius's half-sister Galla Placidia and dead Augustus Constantius (d. 421) is proclaimed Roman emperor #91 of the West (until 455), and is recognized by Theodosius II. By this year the Vandals from East Germany and the Alani from SE Russia settle in the S of sunny Spain; meanwhile the Huns hold Pannonia (Hungary W of the Danube), and the Goths hold Dalmatia. The last Nazi until the 20th century? After his sister Pulcheria puts him up to it for authorizing new synagogues to be built and adjudicating disputes between Jews and Christians, Theodosius II orders the destruction of Jewish synagogues and the execution of Jewish physician and patriarch (since 400) Gamaliel VI (Heb. "recompense of God"), who becomes the last Nasi (patriarch) of the Jewish Sanhedrin, abolishing his office in 429; the House of Hillel (Heb. "greatly praised") becomes extinct, along with the Semicha, the tradition of judicial authority in an unbroken line from Moses; Nasi is the Hebrew title of prince (the original Nasis were Jews?); Greek Christian churches begin replacing Jewish synagogues and schools; Jews begin emigrating from Palestine, settling in Mesopotamia and Persia, where they still practice polygamy incl. the practice of temporary wives while traveling; some famous Jewish scholars in Iraq grow wealthy brewing beer; some emigrate to Arabia, settling in Khaybar and Yathrib (Medina), as well as Abyssinia, becoming half the pop. by 315; others risked Constantinople; the Jews bring agriculture to madass Arabia, growing wealthy and making the Arabs jealous. Theodosius II agrees to make King Rugilas of the Huns a Roman gen., with a salary of 350 lbs. of gold per year. Theodosius II founds a univ. in Constantinople. The title of papa is applied to all Christian bishops until this year, when it is limited to the top bishop in Rome? Roman consuls: Flavius Theodosius II and Flavius Placidus Valentinianus III. Nonfiction: Olympiodorus of Thebes (380-?) writes a 22-vol. History of the Years 407-425, dedicated to Theodosius II, recording his diplomatic mission to the Huns on the Black Sea in 412 (lost). Chinese mathematician Wang Jong writes On Arithmetic. Tun Chu'an writes Sang-ton-shu. Deaths: French Christian chronicler Sulpicius Severus (b. 363); leaves a Biography of St. Martin of Tours.

426 - Just when the Celts finally think they have their island back, guess who's coming to dinner packing sauerkraut?

Clodio of the Franks (-447)

426 Pharamond dies, and his long blonde-tressed son Clodio (Clodion) Merovee (Merovée) (-438) becomes king of the Salted, er, Salian Franks (until 438), fighting under the Romans and visiting Rome, causing a sensation with his long flowing yellow hair - my dad's cooking is terrible, I'm proud to be part of the Wolf Nation? About this time the Roman pullout from Britain leaves the Celts (Britons, Picts) and Germans (Saxons, Franks) free to fight among themselves; the Angles from Anglia and Jutes from Jutland (Denmark) and Germany begin crossing the Channel to join the land grab and weenie roast, later crossing even more eagerly as the Hun hordes (tribes or armies) arrive; Britons who are driven N by the Germans withdraw into the region of Caledonia between the Firth of Clyde and Solway Firth, laying the foundation for the later kingdom of Strathclyde. The Greek Parthenon in Athens is turned into a Christian church (until 1460). Roman consuls: Flavius Theodosius II and Flavius Placidus Valentinianus III. Births: Roman emperor #102 (474-91) Flavius Zeno (Tarasicodissa) (Trascalissaeus) (d. 491) on Feb. 9 in Zenonopolis, Antalya, SW Anatolia.

427 Roman consuls: Hierus and Ardaburius. Nonfiction: Anon., Gesta Regnum Francorum (Liber Historiae Francorum); attempts to trace the origin of the Franks to the Trojans.

428 - The Nestorius Year?

Nestorius (386-451) Genseric of the Vandals (389-477)

428 Roman consuls: Flavius Felix and Taurus. On Apr. 10 Syrian-born Nestorius (386-451), pupil of Theodore of Mopsuestia becomes patriarch of Constantinople (until June 22, 431) with the help of Emperor Theodosius II, and pushes his distinction between Christ's divine and human natures, trying to explain how a man can be a god but not God, getting him in trouble with the Church - makes sense to me, one pill, two medicines? Gunderic (b. 379) dies, and his half-brother Genseric (Gaiseric) (Geiseric) (389-477) (OG "spear king") (illegitimate son of Godigiselus) becomes king of the Vandals (until Jan. 25, 477). Persian Armenia is reduced to a satrapy. Nonfiction: The Notitia Dignitatum, the last civil and military record of Roman Britain is written. Deaths: Syrian Christian bishop Theodore of Mopsuestia (b. 350). Vandal king (406-28) Gunderic (b. 379).

429 Roman consuls: Florentius and Dionysius. After receiving an appeal from Roman gov. of North Africa Gen. Count Bonifacius (Bonifatius) (Boniface) (-432), who is in revolt against Empress Galla Placidia and wants to set himself up as an independent ruler of Africa, Genseric builds a fleet of small boats and leads his 80K Vandals (plus some Alans) from S Spain into North Africa, the surprise invasion drawing little resistance - never invite a vandal into your home? Theodosius II orders the Theodosian Code (Codex Theodosianus) to be compiled (finished 438). Births: Chinese mathematician Zu Chongzhi (Tsu Ch'ung Chi) (d. 500).

Vandals Map

430 In May after he Vandals doublecross Gen. Bonifacius, they begin sacking N Africa and Hippo (until 431), causing him to accept the regency of Galla Placidia and defend Hippo with Gothic mercenaries; on Aug. 28 St. Augustine of Hippo dies (from starvation?) while worrying about being forced to convert to Arianism; meanwhile the downtrodden indigenous pop. welcomes the Vandals as liberators from the Roman slavemaster landowners. About this time the settlement of Britain by the Angles causes it to become known as Angle-Land (England)? Gen. Aetius disposes of rival Felix in Rome, then prepares to rid Gaul of barbarians. About this time the Franks under long-haired king Clodio (Clodion) (le Cheveleu) (-447) based in Dispargum (between Louvain and Brussels) invade the Carbonarian Forest (the Ardennes Forest between the Scheldt and Meuse Rivers), occupy Tournay and Cambray, and conquer Gaul as far as the Somme River. In this decade Bahram V of Persia campaigns against the on-the-make C Asian nomadic Hephthalites (Ephthalites) (White Huns) (Avar Turks?), who have come S from the Altai region to Transoxiana, Bactria, and Khurasan, and drives them out of Persia across the Oxus River into the arms of the prosperous Kama Sutra Gupta Empire, which is just what they don't need, crushing it by the end of the cent.? About this time pagan Roman grammarian Ambrosius Theodosius Macrobius (of African descent) writes the 7-vol. Saturnalia Convivia, a dialogue describing a pagan banquet, preserving a vast amount of earlier Roman learning, and Commentary on Somnium Scipionis (Commentary on Scipio's Dream), becoming the only part of vol. 6 of Scipio's "De Republica" to survive to modern times. Roman consuls: Flavius Theodosius II and Flavius Placidus Valentinianus III. Births: Roman emperor #103 (474-80) (last de jure Western Roman emperor?) Julius Nepos ("nephew") (d. 480); son of Nepotianus; husband of Leo I's niece. Deaths: Numidian-born Bishop of Hippo St. Augustine (b. 354) on Aug. 28 in Hippo; killed in the Vandal siege of Hippo (starvation?); leaves 200+ books, 300+ letters, and 400+ sermons, incl. The Enchiridion (if it had been The Enchilada, Rome might have had its first Taco Bell?), and 12 Christmas sermons (#s 185-196), backing the Dec. 25 date for Christmas as coinciding with the winter solstice in the Roman calendar, with the soundbyte: "Hence it is that He was born on the day which is the shortest in our earthly reckoning and from which subsequent days begin to increase in length. He, therefore, who bent low and lifted us up chose the shortest day, yet the one whence light begins to increase": "The good Christian should beware of mathematicians. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the Devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell"; "Hope has two children. The first is anger at the way things are. The second is courage to do something about it"; "The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose and it will defend itself"; "Women should not be enlightened or educated in any way. They should, in fact, be segregated as they are the cause of hideous and involuntary erections in holy men."

431 - As the Germans fracture the Roman Empire, the Roman Catholic priests, eager to take over and establish the City of God on the ruins, fight each other over who has the true doctrine and who is cock of the rock of St. Peter?

Bishop Palladius of Ireland (-461)

431 The Vandals defeat Gen. Bonifacius and force him to flee to Italy, then capture Hippo Regius (Hippone) near moden-day Annaba, Algeria after a 2-year siege, and create an empire in N Africa, exterminating the great landowners, wiping out all debts to Roman moneylenders, and eliminating military service, causing the indigenous pop. of nomadic tribes to welcome them; rival Roman Gen. Aetius seeks refuge with the Huns, and at the head of 60K Huns forces Empress Galla Placidia to pardon him and promote him to master of the cavalry and infantry (Duke of the West), while forcing Boniface's son-in-law Sebastian to flee. The Third (3rd) Council of Ephesus, called by Theodosius II and Valentinian III and attended by 250 bishops convenes, presided over by (St.) Cyril of Alexandria (376-444), going on to condemn Chiliasm (Millennialism) (Millennium Fever) (MF) as a dangerous superstition, and condemning Montanus as a heretic, which doesn't stop his sect from surviving until Pope Leo I forcefully exterminates them by 461; the council also condemns the nasty nested heresy of Nestorius (386-451) (which denies the Theotokos, or that Mary is the Mother of God, but allows her the title of Christokos, or Mother of Christ), deposing him as patriarch of Constantinople on June 22; it also endorses the Hypostatic Union, the doctrine that Jesus had two natures, and was/is truly God and truly man simultaneously, but without mixture (alteration, absorption or confusion) of the two; Celestine I tries to impose himself as the supreme pontiff of Christianity, but is brushed off (leave it to the Church historians to fix up the history books ex post facto)?; of course, the well-nested Nestorians won't change, and split from the Byzantine Church as the Assyrian Church of the East, helping to split the East from the West in conjunction with the struggles over Monophysitism, becoming the early-warning tremors of the East-West Church Schism; meanwhile Bishop Rabbula of Edessa burns the writings of Theodore of Mopsuestia, and the Christian School of the Persians in Edessa is closed by the Romans; the independence of the church of Cyprus from the patriarch of Antioch is declared, and confirmed by Emperor Zeno in 488, causing the Acts of Barnabas to be written to strengthen their claims. Pope Celestine I sends Bishop Palladius (-461) on a mission to convert Ireland, becoming Ireland's first Christian bishop. Roman Gen. Aetius, leading a light cavalry surprises the Franks on the plains of Artois during a marriage feast and kicks their butts and pops the virgin bride's cherry, along with her attendants'? Prince Gunavarman of Kashmir travels to Java and China. Roman consuls: Bassus and Flavius Antiochus. Births: Roman poet and Christian bishop of Clermont-Ferrand (470-) Gaius Sollius Apollinaris Sidonius (d. 486) in Lyons; born in a Gallic family of distinguished imperial officials. Roman Byzantine emperor #103 (491-518) a href="">Anastasius I Dicorus (Dikoros) (d. 518) in Dyrrhachium (modern-day Durres, Albania); Illyrian father Pompeius (b. 410), Arian mother Anastasia Constantina (b. 410); nicknamed Dicorus (two-pupiled) for his heterochromia (one black eye, one blue eye). Deaths: Roman bishop of Nola (410-31) Paulinus of Nola (b. 354) on June 22 in Nola (near Naples); leaves the poem Eucharisticon Dec Sub Ephemerdis Meae Textu, a description of Aquitania at the time of Ataulf's invasion.

432 - 4-3-2-1, the Pope sends St. Patrick on the run?

St. Patrick of Ireland (387-461) Pope St. Sixtus III (-440) Princess Justa Grata Honoria (416-) 'Massacre of the Innocents' Church of Santa Maria Maggiore, Rome, 432-40 San Pietro in Vincoli, 432-40

432 Roman consuls: Aetius and Valerius. On July 28 Pope Celestine I sends Scottish-born Roman future monk Patricius (hard c) (L. "patricius" = patrician, father of the people) AKA AKA (St.) Patrick (387-461) (who was captured by Irish pirates in the Severn Estuary at age 16 along with thousands of others, and lived as their slave on townless roadless Pirate Island Ireland as a shepherd in Mayo County for six years, developing a love for the Emerald Isle, then escaped to England and became the pupil of Germanus of Auxelle) back to Ireland as bishop after special training to help Palladius in converting the Druids and Arians; he lands in Saul (Gael. "Sabhall Phadraig" = Patrick's Barn) in County Down E of Downpatrick ("Patrick's Stronghold") in SW Ireland, quickly converting local chieftain Dichu, who gives him a barn for church services; allegedly the Druids had predicted his arrival with the prophecy: "Adze-head [the Irish form of tonsure, done to the front part of the head] will come with a crook-head staff [crosier]; in his house head-holed [the first reference to the chasuble, named after a cottage or casa] he will chant impiety from his table [the altar]; from the front [the eastern] part of his house all his household [attendant clerics] will respond, 'So be it! So be it!' [Amen! Amen!]", as mentioned in Muirchu's 683 Life of St. Patrick; after traveling to Donegal in NW Ireland, home of clans governed by Niall of the Nine Hostages, he converts Clan Connail (Dalaigh), becoming his first clan; after he blesses the clan's members, the sign of a cross allegedly appears on the chieftain's shield, becoming their logo; too bad, Patrick allegedly introduces the distillation of usquebaugh (whisky) (whiskey) ("water of life") from oat and barley beer to the Irish, causing the Dalriadic Scots to later bring it with them to Scotland; Ireland is ruled by king Loigaire MacNeill, who presents Patrick with great obstacles, and after lighting a paschal fire on the Hill of Slane opposite the king's council on the Hill of Tara and inviting the Druids to do their worst, he goes on to baptize 120K and found 300 churches in Meath, Ulster, and Connaught, establishing the bishopric of Armagh in Ulster; it takes a cent. after his 461 death to convert all of Ireland, meanwhile turning it into a center of learning, causing it to later begin sending mendicant peregrini (wanderers for Christ) throughout Europe as far as Kiev, wearing the half-corona hairstyle (bald across the front), rough-spun habits, and cowls with rope belts and sandals, bringing literacy to Dark Age Europe, eventually setting up stalls at Charlemagne's court, shouting "Knowledge for sale"; St. Patrick allegedly creates the Celtic Cross by adding the Irish Sun. On July 31 pope (since Sept. 10, 422) Celestine I dies, and Pope (#44) (St.) Sixtus III (-440) is elected. Gen. Bonifacius is recalled to Rome, and Gen. Aetius disposes of him in the Battle of Ravenna (Rimini), after which Aetius flees to the Huns and returns with an army, causing Bonifacius' son and heir to be exiled and Aetius to become the de facto ruler of the Western Roman Empire. Valentinian III's sister Princess (raised to Augusta to keep her a virgin) Justa Grata Honoria (416-) (daughter of Constantius III and Galla Placidia, and granddaughter of Theodosius II) is caught in an improper love affair (preggers) with court chamberlain Eugenius, causing Empress Placidia to strip her of her title and banish her from Ravenna to Constantinople. Architecture: The Basilica Eudoxiana in Rome is begun (finished 440) to house the alleged chains that bound St. Peter in Jerusalem, which Empress Eudoxia gives to Pope Leo I, who compares them to his other chains from the Mamertine Prison in Rome, after which they miraculously fuse together; it becomes known as San Pietro in Vincoli (St. Peter in Chains). Art: A mosaic of The Massacre of the Innocents is constructed in the Church of Santa Maria Maggiore in Rome; restored in 1593, and the 1990s. Deaths: English Catholic bishop St. Ninian (b. 360).

433 The Romans back rebellions against the Huns by the Bavarians and three other nations, causing Rugilas to send his ambassador Eslaw, who gets the Roman Senate to agree to peace, and send ambassadors Plinthas (a consul of Scythian extraction) and Epigenes (a quaestor) to Rugilas to negotiate terms. Roman consuls: Flavius Theodosius II and Petronius Maximus. Deaths: Chinese poet Xie Huilian (b. 397); leaves the poem Pounding Cloth.

434 - The Nuts and Honey Attila the Hun Year?

Attila the Hun (406-53) Attila the Hun (406-53) Attila the Hun (406-53) Attila the Hun (406-53) Attila the Hun (406-53)

434 Roman consuls: Ariovindus and Aspar. Rugilas (Roas) dies, and his nephews (3.5 ft. tall) Attila (Gothic for "little father"?) the Hun (the Mundzuk) (406-53) and his brother Bleda (-444) succeed as rulers of the Huns; next year the peace treaty negotiations are continued on a plain near the city of Margus in Upper Moesia, where the Hun rulers talk with the Roman ambassadors on horseback; the treaty requires the humilitated Romans to double their annual tribute to 700 lbs. of gold, to pay a fine of eight pieces of gold for every Roman captive escaping from the Huns, to return or crucify all fugitives, and to renounce all treaties with the enemies of the Huns. King (since 411) Archil dies, and his son Mihrdat V (-447) becomes king of Iberia (Kartli) in E Georgia. Nonfiction: Gallic Christian writer St. Vincent of Lerins (-445) defines "Catholic" as "That which has been believed everywhere, always, and by all. This is what is truly and properly Catholic" - by doing this we add sweetness to taste? Anon., Contra Collatoreum, against the semi-Palagian teaching of St. John Cassian, crediting Pope Celestine I with the conversion of Ireland.

435 The Vandal kingdom in N Africa is recognized by Rome. Emperor Theodosius II orders the works of Nestorius to be burned. After the Burgundians under king (since 413) Gundicarius (-436) go Arian and rise against Roman gov. Aetius, defeating him in Gallia Belgia and causing him to make a peace, he calls in the Huns. Roman consuls: Flavius Theodosius II and Flavius Placidus Valentinianus III. Births: Frankish Roman Catholic bishop of Rheims (455-533) (St.) Remy (Rémy) (Remigius) (d. 533) in Cerney-en-Laonnois (near Laon); son of Count Emilius of Laon, and Celina, daughter of the bishop of Soissons.

436 The last Roman troops leave Britain. Nestorius is exiled to Egypt, and spends some time in the Great Oasis of Hibis, leaving Nestorians nesting all over da place in his wake? Roman Gen. Aetius scores a V over the Visigoths in Gaul. Roman consuls: Flavius Anthemius Isidorus and Senator.

437 Attila's Huns destroy Wurms (Worms), and kill Gundicarius along with his wife Queen Brunhild and the Burgundian royal family, as later portrayed in the Nibelungenlied (where he is called Gunther, while Attila is called Etzel) and the 13th cent. Volsunga Saga; Wurms is later rebuilt by the Merovingians. Gen. Aetius suppresses an uprising of the Bagaudae (peasants and slaves) in Gaul. 18-y.-o. Valentinian III marries Theodosius II's daughter Eudoxia. Roman consuls: Aetius and Sigisbuldus. Births: Frankish Merovingian king (457-81) Childeric I (d. 481); son of Merovech (415-57); father of Clovis I (466-511).

438 - Rome falls 40 years after what is made official and what is made illegal?

Byzantine Empress Aelia Eudocia (401-60) Yazdgard (Yazdgird) II of Persia (-457)

438 The Theodosian Law Code (Codex Theodosianus), a collection of Roman laws issued since 312 is pub., formally separating the Eastern and Western Roman Empires; Section XVI.i.2 makes Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire, and declares all other religions illegal; next year Valentinian III adopts it for the West; meanwhile Theodosius II's wife Aelia Eudocia (401-60) permits the Jews to return to Jerusalem - if your family circle joins my family circle we'll have a chain, and I can't have a chink in my chain? Bahram V dies, and his son Yazdgird (Yazdgard) (Yazdegerd) II (-457) becomes king of Persia (until 457). Frankish Sicambrian chieftain Merovee dies, and his eldest son by Siegse Clodion (Chlodio) (Clodius) (Cloio) (Chlogio) VI (392-448) becomes king of Cambrai (until 448), ruling from his Dispargum Castle in Duisberg. Roman consuls: Flavius Theodosius II and Anicius Acilius Glabrio Faustus.

439 After a triumphal sack-happy progress through N Africa, the Vandals capture Carthage (until 534) while most of the pop. are watching the races at the hippodrome, make it their capital, and begin to master seamanship, creating a powerful navy that becomes a royal pain in the ass to the Roman govt., which is already disintegrating under the barbarian kingdoms of the West, going on to eagerly vandalize the soft underbelly of Europe, causing the Romans to lose the Mediterranean, without which they can't long exist; Genseric makes Carthage his capital, and styles himself king of the Vandals and Alans after integrating the Alans of N Africa into his alliance, going on to capture all the key towns in N Africa. Beiliang defeats the Wei kingdom; China is divided into North (Bei) and South (Nan) dynasties, with the Wei kingdom in the N and the Song kingdom in the S. "Among the insipid legends of ecclesiastical history" (Gibbon, Ch. 33), the Seven Sleepers, noble Christian youths of Ephesus who hid in a cave from the Decian Persecution and slept for 187 years are found by the slaves of Adolius (owner of the mountain), and one of them, Jamblichus produces a coin with Decius' image to buy bread, causing Emperor Theodosius to visit their cavern, upon which they bless him and die?; the story makes its way into the Koran (Sura 18). Roman consuls: Flavius Theodosius II and Festus. Births: Iberian Chosroid king #32 (447-522) (St.) Vakhtang Gorgasali ("wolf-headed") I Gorgasali (d. 522) (Gurgenes?) in Mitskheta; son of Mihrdat V and Sagdukht; husband of Balendukht, daughter of Hormizd III; feast day: Nov. 30 (Dec. 13 Old Style) Greek Cappadocian-Syrian Christian monk-priest-saint (St.) Sabbas (Heb. "sava" = old man) the Sanctified (d. 532) in Mutalaska (near Caesarea), Cappadocia; feast day: Dec. 5. Deaths: Greek Arian historian Philostorgius (b. 368); leaves Ecclesiastical History (12 vols.) (425-33).

Pope St. Leo I the Great (-461)

440 In this decade the Saxons in Britain revolt from the Romans. On Aug. 19 Pope Sixtus III dies, and on Sept. 29 Pope (#45) (St.) Leo I (the Great) (-461), a highly cultivated Roman and foe of the Manichaeans is elected, becoming the first pope to enunciate the theory of the mystical unity of St. Peter with his successors, and to attribute his own doings and sayings to him; Valentinian III confers upon him jurisdiction over all bishops in the Western Empire, making him the first "real" pope? (the first great pope?); he goes on to exterminate the pesky Montanists (founded in 156). The seaport of Palermo in Sicily is taken by the Ostrogoths (until 535). Roman consuls: Flavius Placidus Valentinianus III and Anatolius. Births: Visigoth king #7 (466-84) Euric (Evaric) (Eurico) II (d. 484); son of Theodoric I (390-451); brother of Theodoric II (426-66). Greek Neoplatonist philosopher (head of the Neo-Platonist Academy in Athens) Ammonius Hermiae (d. 520) in Alexandria; student of Proclus; teacher of Simplicius of Cilicia. Deaths: Armenian monk St. Mesrob (b. 361) on Feb. 17 in Echmiadzin.

Croagh Patrick Croagh Statue of St. Patrick

441 Roman consuls: Cyrus. On Nov. 8 the First Council (Synod) of Orange (2nd in 529) in S France, presided over by Hilary of Arles passes 30 canons, incl. the right of asylum, and the duty of celibacy for all in the clerical state, even deacons and widows. Attila decides to kick his kickstand on his Hog, and sacks Singidunum (modern-day Belgrade), razing the city and fortress and selling its pop. into slavery; that behind him, he goes on a hellraising party through the Eastern Empire (ends 443). St. Patrick spends 40 days of Lent in prayer and fasting for the people of Ireland on Croagh Patrick (St. Patrick's Stack) AKA the Reek, a cone-shaped mountain in County Mayo 5 mi. from Westport; a pilgrimage later begins on the last Sunday in July, and later a white Statue of St. Patrick holding a crook in his left hand and a shamrock in his right hand is erected overlooking the Galway Races - Erin go Bragh? A Catholic hermitage is built in San Marino in E Italy, which later becomes its walled capital city (pop. 5K), entered by a single road.

442 It's all about Attila here, Attila there, Attila everywhere there's a Buzzy Byzantine? Roman consuls: Eudoxius and Flavius Dioscurus.

443 Attila ends his campaign in the Eastern Empire for awhile - time for a little partying? Yazdgird II of Persia begins a successful campaign against the persistent Hephthalites (ends 451). John of Antioch and Cyril of Alexandria conclude a theological compromise over diehard Nestorianism. Japanese Yamato emperor Ingyo sends messengers to the Chinese Song Dynasty (again in 451), who call him King Sai and King Wa. In 443 (452?) the Synod of Arles in S Gaul formulates 56 canons, incl. excluding neophytes from major orders, requiring married men aspiring to the priesthood to give up you know what, and forbidding the consecration of a bishop without the assistance of three other bishops and the consent of the metropolitan. Roman consuls: Petronius Maximus and Paternus.

444 Attila has his brother Bleda executed, and becomes the most important man in Europe until his death in 453, bullying Ravenna and Constantinople for the next decade. Pope Leo I the Great changes the method of calculating the date of Easter so that Good Friday will not be on a Roman sports day; too bad, some outlying churches don't get the message, causing a split for cents. Roman consuls: Flavius Theodosius II and Albinus.

445 Emperor Valentinian III endorses the authority of the bishop of Rome, issuing an edict declaring him the "head of all the churches of the West", with all bishops commanded "to hold and observe as a law whatever it should please the bishop of Rome to ordain or decree" - when I say no Easter during a Super Bowl, I mean it? Cameracum (Cambray) (Cambrai) (Kambryk) on the Scheldt River (34 mi. SSE of Lille) becomes the capital of the Franks. Roman consuls: Flavius Placidus Valentinianus III and Nonius. Deaths: Christian Gallic writer (St.) Vincent of Lerins (b. ?); feast day: May 24.

446 Roman consuls: Aetius and Quintus Aurelius Symmachus.

Vakhtang I of Iberia (439-522)

447 Vandal king Genseric, faced by an alliance of the Roman emperors urges Attila to attack the Byzantines, and the mean midget on horseback invades the Balkans, raiding S to the walls of Constantinople after destroying 70 cities - riding through town with a Happy Meal in my booster seat? Roman historian Marcus Terentius Varro (-116 to -27) claims that the city of Rome (founded -753) is now exactly 12 cents. old, and is therefore due to fall according to the pagan legend that every Roman knows defines them and who they iz - so, Christians, you can have it? King (since 435) Mihrdat dies, and his son (St.) Vakhtang Gorgasali ("wolf-headed") I Gorgasali (439-522) becomes Chosroid king #32 of Kartli (Iberia) in E Georgia (until 522), making the town of Tbilisi (Tiflis) on the Kura River (founded 479) (modern-day pop. 1.1M/1.4M) the capital while allying with the Byzantines unsuccessfully against his Persian Zoroastrian Sasanian masters and going down fighting. Roman consuls: Callepius and Ardaburius.

448 Emperor Theodosius II sends an embasssy headed by Maximin and accompanied by Priscus (only person to leave a personal account of Attila) and Vigilius (the interpreter), the latter given a secret mission from Theodosius' eunuch Chrysaphius to assassinate Attila, but he confesses and is spared upon paying 200 lbs. of gold; Attila wows his guests by having them served a feast on silver plates, while he only eats meat?; Attila sends his own ambassadors Eslaw and Orestes to expose the treachery and dictate terms, and Theodosius II agrees to send another embassy to kiss up to Attila, which eventually agrees to the humiliating Redistribution of the European Nations at the hands of the Huns, giving them all the land along the S banks of the Danube River from Singidunum (Belgrade) to Novae in Thrace, with a breadth equal to a distance of 15 days' ride into Roman territory, along with a 100-mi. deadzone; the annual tribute of the Eastern Roman Empire to the Huns is increased to 2.1K lbs. of gold, with a 6K lb. upfront payment; the negotiations continue up to Theodosius II's death in 450; the Huns melt the gold coins down to make bling, their main status symbol and organizational incentive? After a catfight with his elder brother Clodion VI, Merovee (Merovée) Merowig (Meroveus) (Merovaeus) (Merovech) (the Younger) (-457) is crowned in Tournai as the first Merovingian king of the Franks of Yssel (until 458), and Clodion VI goes to Attila for aid, causing Merovee the Younger to kiss up to Valentinian III, becoming Aetius' adopted son; following the pagan cult of Diana of the Ardennes of the Nine Fires, the Franks adopt Roman culture and literacy, engaging in farming and maritime trade in the Mediterranean, growing fabulously wealthy. Yazdgird II begins the Third (3rd) Persecution of the Persian Christian Church, starting with a massacre in Kirkuk. Roman consuls: Rufius Praetextatus Postumianus and Flavius Zeno. Births: Greek Christian monk (St.) Cyriacus the Anchorite (d. 557) in Corinth; feast day: Sept. 9.

449 - The Kent Hengists Good Like A Horsa Canterbury Should Year?

Hengist of Kent (-488)

449 The incessant backstabbing by Christian bishops, usually on an East vs. West basis reaches a rare moment of total absurdity, as if anybody should care if Christ is mono, bi, duo, multiplexed, time-shared, or what? On Aug. 8 the Second Council of Ephesus (Robber's Council), convoked by emperor Theodosius II convenes before Western bishops can arrive, leaving 198 Eastern (mainly Egyptian) ones to decide if Constantinople Patriarch (St.) Flavian (Phlabianus) (-449) had justly excommunicated and deposed anti-Nestorian Archimandrite Eutyches (380-456) last Nov. 8 (after being put up to it by Bishop Theodoret of Cyrus) for refusing to admit that Christ has two natures, and after the military is called in to intimidate recalcitrants, Eutyches ends up getting restored and Flavian deposed and exiled after being struck, after which he dies a few days later in Lydia, while his supporters Theodoret, Domnus II of Antioch and Eusebius of Dorylaeum are ditto, and the Alexandrine doctrine of "one nature" is upheld; after Pope Leo I learns about it, he gets pissed off at the antics and calls it a "robber synod"; the 451 Council of Chalcedon repudiates it. After the Romans help him twice then refuse a 3rd time, and being invited by British Celtic king Vortigern (Vortiger) (Vortigen) ("great leader") to help him in his war against the Picts (and Scots?) beyond Hadrian's Wall, Germans from North Frisia in the Anglian and Jutland peninsula, led by Jute chief Hengist (Hengest) ("horse") (-488) and his brother Horsa (Horsus) ("mare") (-455) become the first Germans to gain a permanent toehold in Britain, receiving the Isle of Thanet (NE of Kent) after sailing 372 mi. (600km) down the Euro coast and crossing the Channel, and Vortigern falls in love with Hengist's blonde-haired German daughter, giving him a kingdom for her; they find a cultivated country complete with theaters and paved streets left by the Romans, which they proceed to destroy like good pagan barbarians should? Urged on by his minister Mihr-Narseh, Yazdgird II of Persia tries to impose Zoroastrianism on Armenia and Iberia, causing a revolt in Armenia. Syrian Christian bishop Theodoret of Cyrus (393-458) finishes his 5-vol. Historia Ecclesiastica (History of the Church), covering from Arius to the year 429. Roman consuls: Protogenes and Asterius. Deaths: Greek archbishop of Constantinople (446-9) (St.) Flavian (Phlabianus) (b. ?) on Aug. 11 in Hypaepa, Lydia; feast day: Feb. 18.

450 - The Blame It On A Dame Year?

Roman Emperor Marcian (392-457) Vartan Mamigonian (387-451)

450 In July Roman emperor (since 408) Theodosius II (b. 401) is thrown from his horse into the Lycus River near Constantinople, and dies several days later on July 28 at age 50 after reigning 43 years; his eldest sister (supposedly a virgin) Aelia Pulcheria (399-453) is proclaimed Roman emperor #92 of the East, becoming the first female ruler of the Romans; she has the eunuch Chrysaphius executed before the city gates without a trial, and the move is so unpopular that to cover her butt she marries 60-y.-o. Thracian-born tribune and senator Marcian (Flavius Marcianus) (392-457), who becomes Roman emperor #93 of the East (until 457) (last of the House of Theodosius), being crowned by the Constantinople patriarch on Aug. 25 (the first religious coronation of an emperor); too bad, he makes the big mistake of sending ambassador Apollonius to Attila to demand an end to the annual tribute, causing the latter to send ministers to both the Eastern and Western emperors with the message, "Attila, my lord and thy lord, commands thee to provide a palace for his immediate reception"; thinking the East is too easy, he prepares an attack on the more wealthy West first? On Nov. 27 Empress Placidia (b. 392) dies in Rome, and is buried in Ravenna in a sepulchre seated in a cypress chair. Persia under King Yazdgard II reduces Armenia to vassaldom and orders all Christians to embrace the Zoroastrian religion; the Armenian Christians under Prince (St.) Vartan (Vardan) Mamigonian (Mamikonian) (387-451) begin a revolt. The Pontine Marshes SE of Rome begin causing a malaria epidemic ("Roman fever") each summer; they are drained in 1932-4. By now the Germans are not just plundering Britain in their long, narrow, low oar-driven keels (attacking during storms for surprise), but movin' on in, establishing permanent settlements along the Thames, Wash, and Humber Rivers; the Angles and Saxons unite to invade England, and with the Jutes begin supplanting Christian Celtic civilization with their own pagan one, driving out or enslaving the Celts - I'm going downtown to take a look around? In the spring Honoria (daughter of Placidia), forced to live with the sisters of Theodosius II and t heir chosen virgins in Constantinople so that she isn't getting any like she did in ravin' Ravenna, who is being forced to marry some old fart Roman senator, sends a eunuch with a letter and her engagement ring to Attila the Hun and calls upon him to be her deliverer, which Attila takes as a marriage proposal; since he already has enough wives, he passes for the time being, and when her advances are discovered she is sent back to Italy, almost executed by her enraged brother Valentinian III, then forced into a marriage with some obscure bozo named Flavius Bassus Herculanus, and permanently imprisoned - if only he'd known she was used goods? The Mar'ib Dam in Yemen bursts, causing a great flood, leading to the fall of Yemeni civilization and dispersal of its peoples, later getting mentioned in the Quran. The final canon of the 24-book Hebrew Bible (Tanakh) (first fixed by Ezra and the scribes) is compiled by the 120-member Men of the Great Assembly (Synagogue) (Anshei Knesset HaGedolah); it consists of the Torah (Books of Moses) (Pentateuch) (5 books), Nevi'im (19 Prophets) (8 books), and Ketuvim (Writings) (11 books, incl. the Five Megillot). About this time Roman missionary St. Patrick converts the pop. of Dublin to Christianity, and writes Confessions of St. Patrick and Letters to the Soldiers of Coroticus. The last hieroglyphic script is inscribed in the idol-worshiping Egyptian island of Anas Al Wegood. Salvian pub. his Fifth Book, lamenting the corrupt state of the Roman govt., where the rich live on top of the poor, even stealing their indulgences (welfare)? About this time bone fishhooks are made in South Point on the S tip of the Big Island of Hawaii. Roman consuls: Flavius Placidus Valentinianus III and Gennadius Avienus. Births: Roman Byantine emperor #104 (518-27) Justin (Flavius Justinus or Iustinus) I (d. 527) on Feb. 2 in Bederiana (near Naissus) (modern-day Nis, Serbia). Japanese Yamato emperor #26 Keitai (d. 535); great-great-great-grandson of Hondawake (Ojin); father of Ankan (469-534). Irish Prince Eudo of Oriel (d. 540). Irish monk ("Patriarch of Irish Monasticism") (St.) Enda of Aran; starts out as warrior-king of Oriel in Ulster until he is converted by his sister abbess St. Franchea. Deaths: Greek Church historian Socrates of Constantinople (b. 380); leaves Ecclesiastical History (7 vols.). Roman empress Galla Placidia (b. 392) on Nov. 27 in Rome. Roman emperor #83 (408-50) Theodosius II (b. 401) in Constantinople (thrown from horse).

451 - The Huns at the Gates Council of Chalcedon Rolaids X-ray Coming Through, Internal Damage, Don't These People Realize that You Can't Find Out What a Tomato Tastes Like by Squeezing It Year? It's 451, I'm Attila the Hun, you suckas better run? A good year for Christian saints? The lily-white West is overrun by swarthy Mongoloid illiterate barbarous polytheist polygamist Hell's Angels on horseback led by an evil dwarf, and the Arians and Athanasians swallow their pride to work together to expel them, a lesson they soon forget, and even then the pope has to put on a voodoo-zombie act for superstitious Attila to make him go back to Hun-gary with his pelf and not sack Rome? The days when proud pagan Roman soldiers kicked everybody's butt and took them as slaves for fun and profit are replaced by Christian bishops and saints praying on their knees that God will save them until their heads are severed? The Roman Catholic Church's plan for universal control is set back when it splits with the Byzantine church along theological lines forever over some B.S. about Jesus' bar mitzvah? The West is saved from barbarism, paganism, the Yellow Peril, and other red buttons, but at the cost of so much blood and treasure that the Western Roman Empire is dead but not buried yet?

The Huns are Coming! The Huns are Coming! The Huns Are Coming! St. Genevieve of Paris (422-512) St. Lupus (383-479) St. Servatius (-384) St. Euthymius the Great (377-473)

451 After Italy suffers a devastating famine this year and next, later helping convince him not to take the city of Rome, Attila the Hun (406-53) declares war on the Western Roman Empire, and, using the supposed marriage proposal of Valentinian III's sister (Galla Placidia's daughter) Justa Grata Honoria as an excuse crosses from Pannonia, destroying Emona (Lyublana), and arriving in Belgica with up to 500K troops from Germany and Scythia (incl. the Ostrogoths, who end up falling by the thousands to their kinsmen the Visigoths at Chalons), joined by the Franks (led by the elder rival for the throne) when he reaches the confluence of the Rhine and the Neckar Rivers, using trees from the Hercynian Forest to build a bridge to ford the Rhine in the spring, then sacking the towns of France, incl. Metz (Divodurum) (Apr. 7), Tongres, Cambrai, Rheims (Reims), Mainz, Strasbourg (formerly Argentoratum), Cologne, Trier, and Arles (Artebatum), mysteriously bypassing Paris after a short siege, then in June seriously sieging Aurelianum (Orleans) (100 mi. SSW of Paris on the Loire, originally the Roman settlement of Cenabum), which is saved by the efforts of Bishop Anianus (Aignan) (Agnan) (358-453), until Frankish-Burgundian-Celtic reinforcements under Roman Gen. Flavius Aetius and Visigoth King Theodoric I (with his sons Torismond and Theodoric II) arrive, causing Attila to retreat back past the Seine River to the plains of Chalons (E of Paris, between Reims on the N and Troyes on the S)), where his Scythian cavalry can operate advantageously on its smooth level surface; along the way to Orleans he and his hordes are allegedly miraculously diverted by the prayers of worthy Christian saints from various lucky towns, incl. Troyes (100 mi. SE of Paris) by St. Lupus (Loup) (383-479) (who gives himself as hostage to Attila), and don't forget Paris, allegedly saved by living saint (a Romanized Celt from Gaul) St. Genevieve (422-512) (Gael. "Gwenfrewi" = white wave or stream), AKA the Shepherd Girl of Nanterre (422-512); too bad that prayers to St. Servatius (-384) can't save Tongres (because God had already called him home?), nor can prayers to St. Ursula (-383) save Cologne, and poor Metz has no saints, so that Attila finds it no problemo, and massacres its priests, along with the infants that had just been baptised by the bishop, then burns it down, except for the Chapel of St. Stephen; meanwhile gen. Aetius and Theodoric I, having raised the support of the Romans, Visigoths and Franks, incl. the independent tribes of the Laeti (from Gaul), Armorici (between the Seine and Loire), Breones (Rhaetians from E of Lake Constance), Saxons (from the diocese of Bayreux), Burgundians (from Savoy), Sarmatians (Alani), Ripuarians (Ripuarii) (Ripari) (named from their posts on the rivers Rhine, Meuse and Moselle), and Franks (under Merowig), finally kick the butts of Attila's Hun hordes in June at the original Million-Man March, the 1M-man Battle of Chalons AKA the Battle of Catalaunian Fields (Plains) (Campus Mauriacus) near Troyes (in NE France) in the province of Campania (Champagne) (capital Rheims) (a good place to campaign your horses because it's so level?); previously during his retreat from Orleans the Gepids (Sluggards) under Attila's main man Ardaric (Arcadius) (aldigar) (-450) are mauled by the Franks, losing 15K men; the battle begins with a struggle for the heights, which is won by the Visigoths led by Theodoric I's eldest son Torismond (Thorismund) (-453), causing Attila to give a speech to his troops to whip them up, saying, "I myself will throw the first javelin, and the wretch who refuses to imitate the example of his soveriegn is devoted to inevitable death"; Attila ocupying the center of the battle line in person, the Gepids form the right wing, and the Ostrogoths form the left wing to oppose the Visigoths; on the other side Gen. Aetius and his Romans form the left wing, Theodoric I the right wing, and the Alani (settled in Aurelianum around Orleans) under Sangiban the meat-grinder center (to make him pay for promising Attila to open the city gates of Orleans for him?); Theodoric I is felled from his horse by a javelin thrown by the Ostrogoth Andages, then trampled to death by his own cavalry; the Alani flee or defect, but the Huns lose, and only the coming of night saves Attila from being captured, causing him to circle the wagons and order the saddles of his cavalry piled up to be used as his funeral pyre in case the camp should be taken?; 162K-300K men die on both sides in "a conflict fierce, various, obstinate, and bloody, such as could not be paralleled either in the present or in past ages" (Cassiodorus Senator); Europe is saved from having a Mongolian overlord, but Attila's example encourages many other barbarian tribes to swarm the sagging Roman Empire, worst of all being the seafaring vandalizing Vandals?; Torismond becomes king of the Visigoths (until 453), and after "crafty Aetius.. fearing that Rome might find a second Alaric... persuaded the young king to return at once to his capital" (Gibbon) withdraws his Visigoths back to Toulouse to prevent his brothers from usurping his throne, then Aetius withdraws, leaving Attila and his Huns alone on the plains of Chalons for several days licking their wounds (and facing plague?) until they decide to retreat NE back over the Rhine S of Cologne to count their loot, with the Franks under Merowig following them all the way to Thuringia in C Germany, learning of atrocities against hostages and maidens which the son of Clovis I revenges 80 years later; "[Attila's] retreat across the Rhine confessed the last victory which was achieved in the name of the Western Roman Empire" (Gibbon); Attila is not finished, however, and during the winter he plans some more fun in the Italian sun? - see ya later, alligator? On May 26-June 2 after taking care of the Hephthalites, the Persians defeat the Armenian Christians at the Battle of Vartanantz (Avarayr) (Avarair); Prince Vartan (Vardan) Mamigonian (Mamikonian) (b. 387) is KIA, and his nephew Vahan Mamigonian (Mamikonian) (440-510) leads a 33-year guerrilla war against the Persian Sun-worshipers, resulting in the 484 Nvarsak Treaty - wrong sun? When and how did boy Jesus realize his superhuman nature and/or powers and/or mission, and how did he deal with it? Ask Anne Rice? On Oct. 8-Nov. 1 the Council of Chalcedon (Fourth Ecumenical Council) of 500 bishops in Chalcedon across from Constantinople, called by Emperor Marcian and presided over by the patriarch of Constantinople accepts Pope Leo I's interpretation of the Trinity, and promulgates the doctrine of Mariolatry (worship of the Virgin Mary), causing a split between the Syriac Orthodox Church of Antioch, Coptic Orthodox Church of Alexandria, and later the Armenian Apostolic Church on one hand, and the Latin Roman and Greek Byzantine Churches on the other over the life-death matter of whether Christ, who was both God and man, had one composite incarnate nature "from two" natures, human and divine, now known as the Orthodox doctrine, or was "in two natures", known as the Monophysite ("single nature") doctrine, with Christ's human nature "dissolved like a drop of honey in the sea" in his divine nature, and thus had a divine soul or mind combined with a human body; the emperor sides against the Monophysites, and the council affirms the power-drive Chalcedonian formula that Jesus had two natures, and was/is truly God and truly man simultaneously, but without mixture (alteration, absorption, or confusion) of the two, and declares the 449 Second Council of Ephesus a "robber synod" and annuls its proceedings, causing the persecution of Monophysite churches in Egypt and Syria to begin, which ends up adding to the permanent split between the Eastern and Western empires, although for the time being the council grants the See of Constantinople the same privileges of honor as the See of Rome, with the primacy going to the Roman See; Armenian abbot (St.) Euthymius the Great (377-473) of Palestine is instrumental in getting the eastern monks to accept the council's decrees, but Egypt, Syria, Mesopotamia, and Armenia end up going non-Chalcedonian just as the pesky Sassanid Persians are threatening, allowing them to take advantage of the religious divisions. The Slavic Czechs from the Vistula River basin settle former Celtic lands in Bohemia and Moravia, named after the March, into which several small rivers from the Sudeten and White Carpathian Mts. flow before joining the Danube River. The Synod of Milan, held by 19 bishops of N Italy accepts the Epistola Dogmatica of Pope Leo I, setting forth the orthodox doctrine of the Incarnation against the Nestorians and Eutychians. Roman consuls: Flavius Marcianus and Adelphius. Births: Syrian bishop and church father James (Jacob) of Sarug (Sarugh) (b. 521) in Kurtam on the Euphrates River. Irish abbess (patron saint of Ireland) (St.) Brigid (Bridget) (Gael. "exalted") of Kildare (d. 525) in Faughart, Dundalk (modern-cay County Louth); feast day: Feb. 1. Deaths: Syrian Christian patriarch Nestorius (b. 386) in Egypt; dies in exile in the desert. Armenian leader St. Vartan Mamigonian (b. 387) in Avarayr Plain, Vaspurakan.

452 - Italy goes from lover's lane to pouring down fire and rain?

'The Meeting between Pope Leo I the Great and Attila' by Raphael, 1512-14

452 On Feb. 27 Emperors Marcian and Valentinian III make a law enforcing the canons and laws of the Council of Chalcedon throughout the empire. In the spring Attila again demands dear Princess Honoria, crosses the Alps E of Pannonia, crosses the Save River going S, then wheels W and invades Italy on June 8, sacking it as he goes then laying siege to the rich maritime city of Aquileia, using Roman captives to construct siege engines, but finally deciding to give up after 3 mo.; too bad, as he is packing up, Attila observes a stork leaving its nest in one of the city's towers, causing him to declare it an omen and renew the siege, finally taking and burning the pesky city (#1 commercial city of N Italy) to the ground (ouch), building a castle on a hill N of it to watch it burn, thus founding the town of Udine; Attila then destroys Altinum (near modern-day Venice), Concordia, and Padua, goes inland and sacks Vicenza (on the confluence of the Bacchiglione and Retrone Rivers, 40 mi. W of modern-day Venice), Verona, and Bergamo, bypasses Mutina (Modena) after its dead bishop St. Geminian(us) (-397) miraculously intercedes with a dense fog, then loots Milan and Padua without burning them (finding a painting in Milan's royal palace showing Scythian princes prostrate at the Roman emperor's feet, and ordering a painter to reverse the figures?); Valentinian III abandons the impregnable fortress of Ravenna for Rome, while Gen. Aetius and his small remaining force of Roman troops harass Attila all the way to Rome, where he camps at Lake Benacus at the end of the Mincius River (on the former farms of Virgil and Catullus); after some Huns reach the gates of Rome, Valentinian III sends a 3-man delegation led by Roman sen. Avienus and Pope Leo I, who meet Attila in Mincia (near Mantua); Pope Leo I then shows why he's the Great by wowing Attila with his witch doctor voodoo jive honky act, making him see visions of Peter and Paul (and/or other celestial spooks) hovering over him and threatening him with instant death if he attacks the Holy City of Rome (and telling him how his babe Honoria is ugly, old used merchandise, and reminding him of what happened to the last dude who sacked Rome, Alaric?); after seeing plague break out among his men, food supplies run low, and Roman reinforcements coming from the east, Attila strikes a secret peace agreement, the Romans paying an immense ransom as a dowry for Princess Honoria, which they promise to send along to him later (yuk yuk?); Attila then returns across the Alps to Pannonia (Hungary) with his bloated, well-laid, treasure-carting Huns - who are becoming soft with Italian cooking and diseases? Dongardus (-457) becomes king of Dalriada in W Scotland. In the spring Tai Wu Di (b. 408) is assassinated by eunuch Zong Ai, and Tai Wu's 2nd son Tuoba Han becomes Northern Wei emperor #4, but Zong has him assassinated and installs Tuoba Yu, who makes him army CIC, after which he assassinates him; too bad, in the fall Zong is overthrown and cruelly executed along with his clan by a coup led by his former lt. Dugu Ni, who gets Wen Cheng Di (Tuoba Jun) (440-65) installed as emperor #5 of the Northern Wei in China (until 465), reforming the laws to make them more lenient. I'm not your stepping stone? Fugitives from Aquileia, Altinum, and Padua (the Veneti, descendants of Stone Age Swiss lake dwellers?) (allegedly led by a priest receiving signs from heaven) take refuge on the 120+ islands of the shallow marshy lagoons between the Piave (Adige and) Po Rivers (N-S), founding the city of Venice (Venetia) (Venezia) (Lat. "city of the Phoenicians") (modern-day pop. 265K), with a govt. of tribunes for each of the 12 principal independent islands, who finally in the 7th cent. elect a common Top Dog, er, Doge as it becomes known as "the Bride of the Adriatic"; in 2009 the buried city of Altinum in N Italy 7 km. N of Venice near the Marco Polo Airport is rediscovered sunk under the lagoon. Roman consuls: Asporacius and Flavius Herculanus.

453 - 1,500 years before TLW, it's Nut 'n' Huney?

453 Early in the year (Jan. 18 by any chance?) Attila the Hun (b. 406) dies in Sicambria shortly after marrying I-like-flat-buns Ildico (Ildiko) (Il Dyke-o?), daughter of a Germanic chief; the official story is a burst artery that drowned him in blood in his sleep, but rumors have it that she knifed him (maybe he just got overexcited on his wedding night, or was into B&D?); Emperor Marcia allegedly has a vision that night in Constantinople of Attila's bow breaking (maybe he was behind it?); he dies after conquering 1450K sq. mi. of C and E Europe, incl. the W Russian plain, but failing to conquer Gaul; his remains are enclosed in three coffins of gold, silver, and iron and buried in a grave under the bed of the Tisza River long with many spoils, incl. the bodies of the captives who dug the grave to keep the location secret; his son Ellac (-455) succeeds him, but the other sons Dengizich (Dengisich) ("little sea") (-469) and Ernak (Ernac) (-503) (last ruler of the Huns) (who rules the Utigur Bulgars until 503) fight with him and each other, setting them up for conquest by their outside enemies. Torismond is murdered by his younger brother Theodoric II (426-66), who becomes king #8 of the Visigoths in Gaul based in Aquitaine (until 466), "justifying this atrocious deed by the design which his predecessor had formed of violating his alliance with the empire" (Gibbon). After being baptized in his royal seat of Cashel by St. Patrick by blood by driving his crozier through his foot, Oengus mac Nad Froich (Óengus mac Nad Froích) (430-89) of the Eoganachta (Eoghanacht) dynasty centered in Cashel becomes the first Christian king of Munster, imposing a baptismal tax on Christian converts for St. Patrick's benefit. Yazdgird II (d. 457) spends his last years on the N border of Persia fighting the Hephtalites. Emperor (since 410) Ingyo dies, and the king of Silla in Korea sends 80 musicians to comfort his soul; Ingyo's eldest son Prince Kinashikaru is passed over for having an incestuous relationship with his half-sister, after which he tries to rally troops then commits suicide, and Ingyo's 2nd son Anko (-456) becomes Japanese Yamato emperor #20 (until 456). After losing battles against the Northern Wei Kingdom, Song Wen Di (b. 407) is assassinated by his son, crown prince Liu Shao, who becomes Song Liu Shao (Xiuyan) (Yuanxiong) ("prime murderer") (426-53), Liu Song emperor #4; after less than a year his younger brother Liu Jun, prince of Wuling defeats him and becomes Song Xiao Wu Di (Xiulong) (Daomin) (430-64), Liu Song emperor #5 of China (until 464), becoming known for his capable but harsh rule, sexual immorality, and curtailing of the powers of imperial princes and officials. Synesius of Cyrene becomes bishop of Ptolemais. Roman consuls: Vincomalus and Opilio. Deaths: Roman (Byzantine) emperor #92 (450-3) Pulcheria (b. 399) in July; canonized along with hubby Marcian by the Eastern Orthodox Church, with a combo feast day of Feb. 17. Hun emperor (434-5) Attila the Hun (b. 406) in Sicambria - everybody born E of the Rhine later claims him for an ancestor?

454 On Sept. 21 after court eunuch Heraclius whispers in his ear, Valentinian III murders rich, famous, popular patrician Roman gen. Aetius (b. 396) in the palace of Rome with his own sword, partly because Aetius' son Gaudentius is betrothed to his own daughter Eudoxia and he fears a coup; Praetorian prefect Boethius and many of Aetius' friends are also murdered; his death causes a power vacuum in Gaul, and turns the people against the emperor; "Whether well or not, I do not know, but know that you have cut off your right hand with your left" (Sidonius Apollinaris after observing that Valentinian boasted that he had done well). The Battle of the Nedao (Netad) River in Pannonia, led by the Gepids under Ardaric in an alliance with rebel Germans and Sarmatians, incl. the Ostrogoths under Walamir is a D for the Huns under Attila's eldest son Ellac, who is KIA along with 30K Huns, leaving his brothers Dengizich (-469) and Ernak as the last kings of the humbled Huns, who flee, eventually settling on the lower Danube in Scythia; Ardaric takes over Attila's wooden palace along with Dacia (E Carpathians to the Euxine); the Ostrogoths under brothers Walamir (oldest), Theodemir, and Widemir (d. 473) (youngest) split up Attila's Pannonian conquests from Vienna to Sirmium (modern Hungary W of the Danube) and become military allies (federates) of the Byzantine Empire (Walamer's portion is between the rivers Save and Drave, Wedimer's between the Save and Plattensee, Theodemir's between the Plattensee and Danube), inviting other Ostrogoths within the Roman Empire to join them; Singidunum is reclaimed by the Byzantines, only to lose it to the Sarmatians; the Hun Empire begins to disintegrate, and the Huns speedily disappear from the map, melting into surrounding pops. - now everybody in C Europe claims to have a little Hun in them? Roman consuls: Flavius Aetius and Studius. Births: Ostrogoth Arian king (474-526) and Italian king (493-526) Theodoric (Ger. "ruler of the people", "people's king") (the Great) (the Amaling) (the Strong) (d. 526) on the shore of Lake Pelso (Neusiedler See) near Carnuntum (near where Marcus Aurelius composed his "Meditations"?); 14th of the royal line of the Amali; son of Theodemir (brother of Walamir and Widemir) and Erelieva; under the name Dietrich of Bern (Theodoric of Verona) he appears in the "Nibelungenlied". Deaths: Roman gen. Flavius Aetius (b. 396) on Sept. 21 in Ravenna; assassinated in court by Valentinian and Heraclius.

455 - The Vandals Vandalize Rome Year? The Germans get their first toe-hold in Britain?

Sack of Rome, 455 Roman Emperor Petronius Maximus (397-455) Roman Emperor Eparchius Avitus (395-457) Skandagupta of India (-467) Medieval Wales

455 Roman consuls: Varanes and Iohannes. The Vandals vandalize Rome? On Mar. 16 Roman emperor (since 425) Valentinian III (b. 419) is murdered in the Campus Martius (Field of Ares) in Rome while watching war games by his own guards Optila and Thraustila (followers of Aetius avenging his murder, as well as Scythians working for Sen. Petronius Maximus, whose wife Valentinian had tricked into hanky-panky in the palace?), along with his advisor Heraclius; Valentinian III becomes the last emperor of the Theodosius family; Petronius Maximus (397-455) becomes Roman emperor #94 of the West (until 455) (first of the "shadow emperors", puppet rulers presiding over Rome's demise with short-lived reigns) after forcing Valentinian III's wife Eudoxia to marry him and distributing bribes; he lasts 77 days before being killed on May 22, causing Eudoxia to paradoxically call for help from the (educated, moral, literate, civilized?) Vandal pirates from Carthage under Genseric (Gaiseric), king of Africa (Attila the Hun deja vu?), who are more than happy to cross the Mediterranean, then after Pope Leo I trots out and tries his Attila Voodoo Jive Honky Act in vain, sack Rome (not destroying a single bldg. but only pillaging after Pope Leo I the Great talks to him?) for two fun-filled weeks (June 2-16), carrying away the empress and her two daughters, plus what was left by the Visigoths in 410, incl. the C.E. 70 Jerusalem spoils of Titus, which sink on the return voyage to Carthage (and have yet to be found by Indiana Jones?); the Vandals use the spoils to pump up their lifestyle, incl. fine bldgs., art, and poetry, without becoming effete and degenerate?; the loss of the N African granaries strangles Rome, assuring its fall, making the Vandals responsible for plunging the West into the Dark Ages?; on July 9 Eparchius Avitus (395-457), master of soldiers and ambassador to the Visigoths is proclaimed Roman emperor #95 of the West by the Gallic army, and enters Italy on Sept. 21; Pope Leo I's efforts to stop Genseric, along with his shine with Attila add to the prestige of the papacy after the Western Roman Empire falls, and he becomes the first pope to claim to possess "plenitudo postestasis" (fullness of power of jurisdiction) over the entire Church, and to become virtual mayor of Rome, with political, civil, financial, and defense responsibilties, backing the Petrine Theory bigtime and launching the Big Plan to Build Papal Power that takes five cents. to complete. The Treachery of the Long Knives sees Hengist and Horsa rebel against Vortigern, sandbagging him into a feast of 300 British and 300 Anglo-Saxon leaders, who draw their daggers and stab them; Horsa is slain, while Hengist goes on to conquer SE England (Sussex and Essex, S of the Thames River), founding the kingdom of Kent, with capital at Canterbury (Cantwaraburh) ("town of the Kentish men") ("burgh of Kent") (ancient Roman town of Durovernum), causing the displaced Celts to flee across the Channel to de-Celted Gaul, settling in Armorica in NW Gaul between the Seine and Loire Rivers, pumping some new Celtic blood back into the region, which comes to become known as Brittany, with its own Breton language, founding the kingdom of Dumnonia (Damnonia) (Dumnonie) (Domnonie) (Devon); actually the Romans had been hiring British mercenaries, and when returning via the region Welsh Gen. Gerontius (Geraint) likes it so much he decides to stay, and gathers a group to return and settle it, after which it becomes known as Cornwall (Cornouaille) (Ger. "corner of foreigners") (Welsh tribe of Kernow?)?; meanwhile Vortigern flees to N Wales and asks Cunedda (Kenneth) (Gael. "good hound") to move his Votadini troops stationed in the Clackmannanshire region of Scotland to N Wales to stop Irish incursions; Cunedda goes on to found the kingdom of Gwynedd in NW Wales. Kumaragupta I dies, and Skandagupta (-467) becomes ruler of the Gupta Dynasty of N India (until 467), repulsing the White Huns. The first Christian Persian embassy reaches N China. Nonfiction: Christian chronicler Prosper writes an account of Pope Leo I's encounter with Attila in 452, ending with the soundbyte: "And lo, suddenly there were seen the apostles Peter and Paul, clad like bishops, standing by Leo, the one on the right hand, the other on the left. They held swords stretched out over his head, and threatened Attila with death if he did not obey the pope's command. Wherefore Attila was appeased, he who had raged as one mad. He by Leo's intercession, straightway promised a lasting peace and withdrew beyond the Danube." Deaths: Christian writer St. Prosper of Aquitaine (b. 390); leaves Epitoma Chronicon, covering the years 379-455 C.E. Roman emperor #94 (455) Petronius Maximus (b. 397) on May 22. Roman emperor #91 (425-55) Valentinian III (b. 419) on Mar. 16 in Rome (murdered in the Campus Martius).

Ricimer (405-72)

456 In Mar. (after the sailing season begins) Vandal African King Genseric ravages Sicily and S Italy, setting up the Vandal Kingdom of West Sicily which lasts to 534. The Visigoths of Gaul under Theodoric enter NW Spain and defeat the Sueves (Suevi) at the Battle of the Urbicus River. Avitus advances from S Gaul to Rome, but a revolt by Majorian and the Suevian master of soldiers Ricimer (Rikimer) (405-72) (whose mother is Wallia's daughter) causes him to flee back to Gaul, where he is caught, stripped of his imperial dignity, and forcibly consecrated as bishop of Piacenza, soon disappearing down the rice bowl of history. Emperor (since 453) Anko (b. ?) is murdered by Prince Mayowa no Okimi to get even for the execution of his father, and after a power struggle his younger brother Yuryaku (Bu) (418-79) becomes Japanese Yamato emperor #21 (until 479), becoming known for his skill at poetry and his patronage of sericulture. Roman consuls: Flavius Placidus Valentinianus III (8th time) and Procopius Anthemius.

Roman (Byzantine) Emperor Leo I the Thracian (401-74) Roman Emperor Majorian (420-61) Hormizd III of Persia (-459) St. Remigius of Reims (435-533)

457 On Jan. 27 Roman Byzantine emperor (since 450) Marcian (b. 392) dies, and after being chosen by Gothic army CIC Flavius Ardabur Aspar (400-7171), is succeeded by (St.) Leo I the Thracian (401-74) as Roman emperor #96 of the East (until 474), becoming the first to be crowned by the patriarch of Constantinople; Ricimer retains power by securing the consent of Leo I to his nominee Majorian (Julius Valerius Majorianus) (420-61), who becomes Roman emperor #97 of the West; Leo I goes on to become a capable ruler, overseeing many plans and schemes to save the teetering Western Roman Empire, and becoming the first Eastern emperor to legislate in Greek rather than Latin; too bad, he starts out a puppet of Aspar, but begins using the Isaurians as a counterweight to his Goths, marrying his daughter Ariadne to Isaurian leader Zeno (Tarasicodissa); meanwhile the Vandals head E and lay Greece waste, followed by Dalmatia, then threaten Constantinople, causing Marjorian to make a major but unsuccessful attempt to stop them. Yazdgird II dies without defeating the Hephthalites, and his younger son Hormizd III (-459) seizes the throne of Persia, causing the elder son Peroz to seek Hephthalite aid to defeat him. Roman gens. Aegidius (-465) and his son Afranius Syagrius (-487) proclaim the independent Kingdom of Soissons (ends 486) in N (Belgian) Gaul (former home of the Celtic Suessiones), based in the Seine Valley town of Soissons, the old Celtic capital, which the Romans called Noviodunum ("New Hill Fort"). Constantine I (-479) becomes king of Dalriada in W Scotland. 22-y.-o. St. Remy (Rémy) (Remigius) (435-531) becomes Roman Catholic bishop of Reims (until 531). Roman-leaning Babowai (Babaeus) (-484) becomes bishop of Edessa (until 484), causing Syrian Nestorian bishop Bar Sauma to flee from Edessa to Nisibis, where the Persian kings grant the Nestorians protection in order to assure the loyalty of their Christian subjects in their wars with the Roman Empire; the Syrian Nestorians permanently split with the Syrian Monophysites, who hold that Christ has only one nature, divine. St. Patrick founds his main church in Armagh in Northern Ireland (modern-day pop. 15K), going on to become Ireland's ecclesiastical capital, see of the archbishop of Armagh, and the primate of all Ireland for the Roman Catholic Church and the Church of Ireland. Roman consuls: Flavius Constantinus and Rufus. Nonfiction: Victorius of Aquitaine writes the 532-year-cycle New Paschal Cycles (Cursus Paschalis), a set of tables for dating Easter based on the consular list in the Chronicle of St. Prosper of Aquitaine; it is accepted in Rome and Gaul but not Britain, effectively cutting the latter off from the continent. Deaths: Roman (Byzantine) emperor #93 (450-7) Marcian (b. 392) on Jan 27; he and his wife Pulcheria are canonized by the Eastern Orthodox Church, with a combo feast day on Feb. 17. Syrian Christian bishop Theodoret of Cyrus (b. 393). Roman emperor #94 (455-7) Eparchius Avitus (b. 395).

458 - The Original Kung Fu and Grasshopper Year?

Childeric I of the Franks (437-81)

458 Merovee the Younger dies, and his son Childeric I (437-81) becomes king of the Salian Franks in NE Gaul, who had just helped kick Attila out and want to be treated right. Buddhist priest Hui Shun (Fusang) sails from China to Alaska accompanied by four Afghan disciples, then journeys on foot down the North Am. Pacific Coast, reaching Mexico, where he teaches Buddhism to the Indians and Mayans, naming Guatemala for Gautama Buddha; he stays for over 40 years, then returns to China, reporting his travels to Lord Yu Kie and Emperor Wu in 502. Roman consuls: Flavius Leo I and Julius Majorianus. Births: Visigoth king #8 (484-507) Alaric (Alarico) (Alaricus) II (d. 507); son of Euric II (440-84). Greek philosopher (last scholarch of the Athens Academy) ("Last of the Neoplatonists") Damascius (d. 540) in Damascus, Syria.

Peroz of Persia (-484)

459 Hormizd II is defeated by his elder brother Peroz (-484), who becomes king of Persia (until 484), facing a severe famine. Roman consuls: Patricius and Flavius Ricimer. Deaths: Arab Christian monk (St.) Simeon Stylites (b. 390) on Sept. 2 near Aleppo Syria after 37 years on his pillar - avoiding all temptations of Satan to the glorious end?

460 After conquering the Kushans, the Huns are defeated in W India, but still control NW India. Roman consuls: Magnus and Apollonius. Births: Welsh (Gwynedd) king (500-) Cadwallon ap Einion Lawhir ("long hand") (d. 534); grandson of Gwynedd founder Cunedda.

Pope St. Hilary (-468) Roman Emperor Libius Severus III (-465)

461 On Mar. 17 (by tradition) Ireland's patron St. Patrick (b. 387) dies in Saul after having allegedly driven the snakes out of Ireland and used the 3-leaf hop clover shamrock to illustrate the concept of the Trinity, foiling the evil Arians and Druids at the same time; "May the enemies of Ireland never eat bread nor drink whisky, but be tormented with itching without benefit of scratching" (traditional St. Patrick's Day toast). On Aug. 2 Roman emperor (since 457) Majorian (b. 420) is forced by mutineers in Dertona (Tertona) to abdicate as he passes through on his return journey to Italy from Spain, and five days later mysteriously dies, and Ricimer gets his nominee Libius Severus III (-465) declared Roman emperor #98 of the West with the consent of Emperor Leo I. On Nov. 10 Pope (since 440) Leo I dies, and Pope (#46) (St.) Hilarius (Hilary) (-468) (a Sardinian) is elected - it would have been hilarious if he had been the pope in 476? 7-y.-o. future Ostrogoth king Theodoric the Great (b. 454) is pledged by his father Theodemir to future emperor Flavius Zeno as the pledge of an alliance, with the latter paying the former 300 lbs. of gold annually, and is educated at Constantinople, learning to love Roman culture and law, although he never learns to read and write, and signs his name with a gold plate? Roman consuls: Severinus and Dagalaiphus. Births: Where does depression hurt, everywhere? Roman emperor #106 (last Western emperor) (475-6) Romulus Augustus (Augustulus) (Momyllus) (d. 477?). Deaths: Roman Catholic missionary St. Patrick (b. 387) on Mar. 17 in Saul, Ireland; really dies in 493?; really lives to age 120?; buried in Downpatrick (Gael. "Dun Padraig" = "Patrick's stronghold") 20 mi. S of modern-day Belfast. Roman emperor #97 (457-61) Majorian (b. 420) on Aug. 7 in Dertona (Tortona).

462 The Roman Empire cedes Septimania to the Visigoths under Theodoric II. Art: The 40-ft.-tall Great Statue of Zeus (built in 456 B.C.E.), moved from Olympia to a palace in Constantinople by wealthy Greeks after the Olympics were abolished in 391 is destroyed by a fire. Roman consuls: Flavius Leo I and Libius Severus.

463 Roman consuls: Flavius Caecina Basileus and Vivianus.

464 Song Xiao Wu Di (b. 430) dies, and Song Qian Fei Di (Ziye Liu) (449-65) becomes Liu Song king #6 of China, going on to stink himself up with sex and violence, and end up assassinated next year. Roman consuls: Rusticus and Flavius Anicius Olybrius.

465 Roman emperor (since 461) Libius Severus III dies, and there is a 2-year interregnum in the withering West. On Nov. 19 the Synod of Rome is attended by 48 bishops, becoming the earliest synod whose records survive to modern times. Song Qian Fei Di (b. 449) is assassinated, and his uncle Song Ming Di (Liu Yu) (Xiubing) (Rongqi) (439-72) becomes Liu Song king #7 of China (until 472), at first ruling wisely, then stinking himself up by killing off all his nephews and brothers, causing the Liu Song Dynasty to totter on the brink. Wen Cheng Di dies, and his son Xian Wen Di (Tuoba Hong) (454-76) becomes emperor #6 of the Northern Wei in China (until 471). Roman consuls: Flavius Basiliscus and Herminericus. Births: Syrian Christian ecclesiastical historian-bishop (Monophysite) Zacharias Scholasticus (Rhetor) of Mytilene (Melitene) (d. 537) near Gaza. Deaths: Roman Catholic bishop St. Maximus of Turin (b. 380).

466 Roman consuls: Flavius Leo I and Tatianus. Births: Frankish Merovingian king #1 (486-511) ("the new Constantine") Clovis (Louis) (Chlodwig) (Ludwig) (OG "renowned fighter") I (d. 511); son of Childeric I; founder of the Merovingian Dynasty in France (ends 751) (who found the city of Gay Paris); king of the Salian Franks from 481, and all the Franks from 486; father of Theuderic I (484-534), Chlodomer (495-524), Childebert (497-558), and Lothair I (497-561) - the first Frankensteins with Grain Belt beer?

Roman Emperor Anthemius (420-72)

467 On Apr. 12 Ricimer's nominee (daddy of his wife) Procopius Anthemius (420-472) becomes Roman emperor #99 of the West (until 472), again with consent of Eastern emperor Leo I, becoming the last able Western emperor, facing the problem of the Visigoths in Gaul and Spain, and the Vandals in N Africa, allying with Breton (Briton?) king Riothamus (Riotimus) (Rigothamus) (Gael. "supreme leader") (son of Deroch I), who travels by sea with his 12K-man army to Bourges (Berry) near Buridgala (Bordeaux); too bad, Euric is tipped off by Arvandus, Roman prefect of Gaul (461-5, 467-70), and intercepts Riothamus before he can hook up with the Romans, defeating him and causing him and his survivors to flee to the Burgundians (then back to Britanny or Britain), after which he seizes the Gallic city of Arverna (named after Mercury); after being found out, Arvandus is convicted of treason and banished; Riothamus is the real King Arthur, because he is last known to be near the Burgundian town of Avallon, and his betrayal by Arvandus is really the story of Mordred? In order to offset the Alan Aspar, master of the troops, Emperor Leo I marries his daughter Ariadne to Zeno, an Isaurian from the mountains of S Asia Minor. Roman consuls: Pusacus and Iohannes. Births: Roman Byzantine emperor #101 (474) Leo II (the Little) (d. 474); son of Zeno and Ariadne; maternal grandson of Leo I and Verina. Deaths: Indian last great Gupta emperor Skandagupta (b. ?).

468 - The Pope Simplicius Simon the Pieman Year?

Pope St. Simplicius (-483)

468 On Feb. 28 Pope (since 461) Hilarius dies, and on Mar. 3 Pope (#47) (St.) Simplicius (-483) is elected, seeing the Western Roman Empire end during his reign, and the simplistic schism with the churches of Armenia, Syria, and Egypt (Copts) begin. Leo I and Anthemius make another major but unsuccessful attempt to subdue the pesky Vandals in N Africa, which ends in the destruction of the huge Byzantine fleet of gen. Flavius Basiliscus (-477) at Carthage by Genseric, and the murder in Aug. of Roman gen. Marcellinus (cmdr. of Dalmatia since 454) in Sicily in Aug., after which the Vandals attempt to invade the Peloponnese but are driven back by the Maniots at Kenipolis with heavy losses, pissing off the Vandals, who take 500 hostages in Zakynthos, hack them to pieces, and throw them overboard on the return voyage to Carthage. Roman consuls: Procopius Anthemius. Births: African Catholic bishop (St.) Fulgentius (d. 533). French Roman Catholic bishop of Arles (503-42) (St.) Caesarius of Arles (Chalon) (d. 542) in Chalons-sur-Saone; feast day: Aug. 27.

469 The Hephthalites capture Persian Shah Peroz and force him to give his son as hostage and to pay tribute. Teodemundo (Theodemund) (-550) (an Arian) becomes king of the Suevi in Galicia (NW Spain) (until 550). Roman consuls: Flavius Marcianus and Flavius Zeno. Births: Japanese Yamato emperor #27 (531-5) Ankan (d. 535); son of Keitai (450-534).

470 King Euric of the Visigoths conquers S Galicia (modern-day Navarre) in N Spain, home of the key mountain pass of Roncesvalles into Gaul, and home of the Vascones (ancestors of the Basques and Gascons) from the Romans. The Ostrogoths expel the Sarmatians and seize Singidunum. The Hephthalites begin raiding into India from C Asia, breaking up the Gupta Empire and becoming supreme in N India for a cent., but never settling there like the Yueh-Chi did in the year 120 C.E.? Hun chieftain Dengisich attemps to invade the Byzantine Empire and is KIA; his head is displayed in the Hippodrome in Constantinople; Attila's youngest son Irnac retreats with what's left of the Walking-Wounded Huns into Lesser Scythia. Roman emperor Anthemius falls sick and blames it on sorcery, taking it out on many nobles, causing Ricimer and his 6K men about to fight the Vandals to begin a civil war against him in Milan. The kingdom of Gododdin in Hen Ogledd ("the Old North") in SE Scotland and NE England from the Firth of Forth and Tyne River (Falkirk, Lothian, Borders region of E Scotland, Northumberland), with capital at Traprain Law in East Lothian is founded by the Votadini tribe, while the kingdom of Brynaich (Bernicia) between the Tweed and Tyne Rivers in NE England and SE Scotland (Northumberland, Durham, Berwickshire, East Lothian) is founded by Anglian settlers; meanwhile Gododdin chieftain Cunedda (grandfather of St. David) moves into the land of the Venadoti in Wales with his Votadini people, founding the kingdom of Gwynedd, and marrying Gwawl, daughter of Coel Hen of Eboracum (York), then leaves it to his son Ceredig (420-53), (father of St. Ina), who founds the kingdom of Ceredigion (Cardigan), which becomes Seisyllwg by the late 7th cent. and Deheubarth in the mid 10th cent. Syrian Christian Ma'na of Edessa begins writing religious works, incl. canticles and hymns in Pahlavi for use by Persians. Roman consuls: Jordanes and Severus. Births: Welsh abbot-bishop (of Somerset, England) (St.) Congar (Cungar) (Cyngar) (Cumgar) of Congresbury (d. 520) in Lianwngar, Pembrokshire; feast day: Nov. 27. Scythian Roman Catholic monk Dionysius Exiguus (Dennis the Scanty, Meager, Short or Small) (d. 544) in Scythia Minor (Dobruja, Romania). Visigoth king of Spain #1 (531-48) Theudis (d. 548). Irish monk (St.) Finian (Finnian) (Fionan) (Fionnan) (Vennianus) (Vinniaus) of Conard (d. 549) in Myshall, County Carlow; pupil of St. Fortchern of Wales.

471 Emperor Leo I and the Isaurians conspire successfully to assassinate Gothic army CIC Aspar (b. 400) and his son Ardabur, ending Gothic domination of the Byzantines. On Sept. 20, 471 Xian Wen Di (d. 476) retires in favor of his son Xiao Wen Di (Tuoba Hong) (467-99), who becomes emperor #7 of the Northern Wei in China (until Apr. 26, 499); Xian Wen retains power, becoming the first retired emperor in Chinese history; Xiao Wen introduces forced Sinicization, forcing the pop. to speak Chinese, adopt Chinese surnames, and wear Chinese clothes, changing his family surname in 496 from Tuoba to Yuan and encouraging intermarriage between his Xianbei people and the Han. Deaths: Gothic Eastern Roman army CIC Aspar (b. 400) (assassinated).

Gundobald of the Burgundians (-516) Roman Emperor Anicius Olybrius

472 On July 11 Roman emperor (since 467) Anthemius (b. 420) is killed by Ricimer, ending the civil war; Ricimer's nominee Anicius Olybrius becomes sole Western Roman emperor #100 for a few mo.; Ricimer dies, and his pagan nephew Gundobald (Gundebald) (Gundibald) (Gondebaud) (-516) succeeds to his position as patrician and master of soldiers (until 473). Royal hostage Theodoric the Great (b. 454) reaches the age of 18 and returns from Constantinople to the Ostrogoths; meanwhile Walamir is KIA, and Widemir is in Italy and Gaul, leaving his father Theodemir as king of the Ostrogoths; Theodoric goes on an adventure with 6K volunteers and returns with the spoils of a Sarmatian king whom he had killed. Song Ming Di (b. 439) dies, and his son Liu Yu, prince of Cangwu becomes Song Hou Fei Di (Derong) (Huizhen) (463-77), Liu Song emperor #8 of China (until 477), going on to continue the tradition of bad rule. Roman consuls: Festus and Marcianus. Deaths: Roman emperor #99 (467-72) Anthemius (b. 420) on July 11.


473 On Mar. 5 Gundobald gets Leo I to appoint Glycerius, count of the domestics to the Roman throne; Gundobald's father Gundioc then dies, and he inherits the throne of Burgundy along with his brothers Godegisel (-501), Chilperic (-493), and Godomar (-486), plotting to do them in one by one - Burgundy's dirty sexy money? Emperor Leo I makes Zeno's son Leo his colleague. Roman consuls: Flavius Leo I. Deaths: Armenian abbot St. Euthymius the Great (b. 377) on Jan. 20 in Palestine.

Byzantine Emperor Zeno (426-91) Byzantine Emperor Leo II (467-74) Roman Emperor Julius Nepos (430-80) Byzantine Empress Verina (-484) Theodoric the Great of the Ostrogoths (454-526)

474 Roman consuls: Flavius Leo II. On Jan. 18 Roman Byzantine emperor (since 457) St. Leo I (b. 401) dies of dysentery, and is succeeded by his infant grandson (son of Zeno and his daughter Ariadne) Leo II (the Little) (467-74) as Roman emperor #101 of the East (until Nov. 17); on Feb. 9 his daddy, Ariadne's Isaurian husband Trascalisseus (Trasicodissa) makes himself co-emperor Zeno (426-91), Roman emperor #102 of the East (until 491); in June after Leo I names him to stop Glycerius, Dalmatian cmdr. Julius Nepos ("nephew") (430-80), husband of Leo I's niece marches into Ravenna and claims the purple as Roman emperor #103 of the West (until 480), and Glycerius gives up without a fight, being made bishop of Salona (Solin) in Dalmatia; the Western Roman Empire now consists of Italy, part of the Balkans, and footholds in N and S Gaul; the Vandals begin launching pirate attacks on the coasts of Italy; too bad, on Nov. 17 Leo II dies, and Zeno (whose wife Ariadne probably poisoned him) becomes sole Eastern emperor, causing Leo I's widow Aelia Verina (-484) to depose "the worthless and ungrateful servant on whom she alone had bestowed the sceptre of the East" (Gibbon, Ch. 39), and replace him with her brother Flavius Basiliscus (-477) as Roman emperor of the East #104 (until 477); the game of Backgammon is first mentioned, under the name Tabula (table). Theodemir dies, and by election of the people Theodoric (Ger. "people's ruler") the Great (454-526) becomes king of the Ostrogoths (until 526), who desert depleted Pannonia for the neighborhood of Constantinople, forcing the Byzantines to give them lands and money in return for defending the lower Danube River. The kingdom of Orissa in India is founded, extending S from Bengal to the Godavari. Nonfiction: Priscus of Panium (in Thrace), History of Rome from 435 to 474 C.E. - good timing or bad? Syrian church bishop James of Sarug (451-521) begins composing his 230 homilies, incl. De Pueris Ephesinis, about the Fable of the Seven Sleepers of Ephesus, who "fell asleep in the Lord" for 230 years. Deaths: Roman emperor #96 (457-74) Leo I the Thracian (b. 401) on Jan. 18. Roman emperor #101 (474) Leo II the Little (b. 467) on Nov. 17 (poisoned by his mother Ariadne?).

Roman Emperor Flavius Basiliscus (-476) Last Roman Emperor Romulus Augustus (461-77)

475 On Jan. 9 Leo I's brother-in-law Flavius Basiliscus (-476) is proclaimed Augustus in Constantinople, and drives Zeno into exile in his home mountains of Isauria. The Roman Empire is suffering Seinfeldian shrinkage? A treaty is signed by Roman emperor Nepos with Euric, recognizing the Visigoths as masters of most of Gaul and Spain in exchange for restoring the Provence region of Gaul to imperial control; meanwhile Nepos appoints German tribesman (half-German and half-Roman?) Orestes Augustus (-476) (father of Romulus Augustulus) (former asst. to Attila the Hun and husband of the daughter of Count Romulus of Petovio in Noricum) as master of soldiers (big mistake?), and after the Roman Senate abandons Nepos for his Eastern ties, Orestes stages a coup in Ravenna on Aug. 25, becoming Roman emperor #105 (until 476), causing Nepos to flee to Dalmatia, where he rules with the backing of the Byzantine emperor and is recognized in Gaul; Orestes then gets his teenie son (by his Roman wife) (known only for his beauty) Flavius Romulus Augustus (Augustulus) (Momyllus) (461-77?) crowned as Western Roman emperor #106 (last) (until 476) on Oct. 31; "The appellations of the two great founders, of the city and of the monarchy, were thus strangely united in the last of their successors." - Gibbon, Ch. 36. The Visigoths occupy beautiful Bourges on the Yevre River in C Gaul (until 507). The Jewish Sanhedrin meets for the last time in Tiberias, then voluntarily disbands (until 2005). The Synod of Arles (480?), attended by 30 bishops condemns the pre-destinationist teaching of Lucidus the priest, and reaffirms St. Augustine's doctrine of predestination, confirming the 431 Synod of Ephesus and rejecting five heresies against grace incl. that those who perish do so by the will of God. Roman consuls: Flavius Zeno. Architecture: The Church of St. Simeon Stylites 19 mi. NW of Aleppo, Syria, built on his pillar in 473 to stop hordes of pilgrims from flogging it is consecrated.

476 - The Here Cash Run Along Little Boy Rake the Ash Goths Are Making A Clean Sweep Year? Odious ace Visigoth chieftain Odoacer (Odvacar) relieves the Eternal City of Rome of its teen emperor, and the Roman Empire falls in the fall, and stays down this time, bringing in the Dark Ages AKA the Middle Ages (Moyen Age) (ends 1000 C.E.), wasting 500-1000 years of progress and later causing 20th cent. revisionists like Anatoly Fomenko to want to make it all just disappear with topological rubber-sheet tricks?

Odoacer of the Visigoths (435-93) Byzantine Gen. Illus (-488) Budhagupta of India (-495)

476 In Aug. Flavius Odoacer (Odovacer) (435-93), Herulian Visigoth chief gen. of the Germanic tribes in the Roman army leads a revolt over a baksheesh matter (free homes in Italy), captures Ravenna, and kills Orestes in Pavia; on Sept. 4 (Sept. 7 Gregorian) (Mon.) Romulus Augustus (461-77?) (AKA Augustulus), the boy emperor of Rome in Ravenna becomes the Last Roman Emperor of the West as he is deposed and exiled to the castle of Lucullus in Campania in S Italy (with 6K pieces of gold per annum allowance) by Odoacer, who proclaims himself Roman emperor of the West, petitioning Emperor Zeno to recognize him as a patrician and ruler of Italy on behalf of the Eastern Empire; Zeno accepts on the last part, but insists that exiled Julian Nepos (d. 480) remain Roman emperor, which he does, on coins; Odoacer uses the old Roman law of hospitality providing for the quartering of Roman soldiers to force Roman landowners to surrender a third of their estates for use by his soldiers; many non-aristocratic Romans welcome the new boss because he will abolish the taxation and police system, while aristocratic Romans in Gaul circle the wagons and create private armies; 753 + 476 - 1 = 1228?; the Dark Ages begin as 1.2K years of progress of civilization becomes kaput in Europe thanks to barbarians and Christian hostility to paganism, which to them incl. all pagan scientific, literary, historical, and cultural works, making all scientists forever suspect of being in league with the Devil by the Christian masses, an impediment that ends in ?, and the very idea of wanting to live for "the world" when the Kingdom of Heaven is dangled in front of your eyes to seem pointless?; "So it was in utter social decay and collapse that the great slave-holding 'world-ascendency' of the god-Caesars and the rich men of Rome came to an end" (H.G. Wells, Ch. 37) - so who is the last emperor, Romulus Augustus or Nepos? Roman Byzantine emperor (since 474) Basiliscus assassinates Verina's lover, and offends Achilles, lover of his wife Harmatius, causing a conspiracy to form against him, and Isaurian gen. Illus (-488) flops onto Zeno's side, along with Ostrogoth king Theodoric, allowing him to march to Constantinople and regain the Eastern throne, while Verina flees and continues to oppose him; Zeno starves Basiliscus and his family to death in an unheated basilica, then adopts Theodoric as his son, gives him the rank of patrician and consul, the command of the Palatine troops, an equestrian statue, a large sum of silver and gold, and a rich noble Byzantine wife; too bad that Goths stick together when the blood is flowing? Zeno finally concludes a perpetual peace with the Vandals, and recognizes Genseric's authority; Trinitarian bishop Victor of Cartenna sends a refutation of Arianism to Genseric, and is not punished even though Trinitarians are persecuted and Vandals are prohibited from conversion. After the Western Roman Empire falls, the new Visigoth masters of Italy, Gaul, Spain, and North Africa aren't into Science much, and as they were themselves squeezed by more German barbarians and Byzantine armies, Europe descends into the Dark Ages, where literacy is almost kaput, and money disappears, requiring barter; the onset of the Muslim Great Jihad in the 600s closes the last doors; literacy survives mainly in outlying monasteries in Ireland that only copy religious lit. The backstabbing Dark Ages set in for women? The Salic Law for the Salian Franks is written, excluding women from inheriting land, except in the event of no male heirs; Title 45 "De Migrantibus", on how itinerants may establish citizenship is copied from the Talmud. The Dark Ages set in for the Iron Chefs of Europe? From this year to the 15th cent. C.E. Medieval Cuisine is based on primitive preservation methods (salting, pickling, smoking, drying), with the diet mainly consisting of cereals (sans rice and potatoes, which are introduced from America in the 1530s); cattle raising is undeveloped, causing reliance on game meat and seafood; seasonings incl. spices (pepper, ginger, caraway, anise, fennel, cumin, saffron), wine, and vinegar are used in many sweet-sour recipes; no, they don't serve spiced spoiled meat, they aren't nuts; almond milk is used as a thickener; fruits (plums, figs, grapes, raisins, apples, pears) and veggies (lettuce, cabbage, carrots) are used liberally. Religious and societal class rules limit meat consumption, as do rules based on the Four Bodily Humors of 2nd cent. Greek physician Galen (129-216); beals are limited to a heavy midday dinner and a lighter evening supper; great quantities of wine, beer, and ale make up for everything? After the Western Roman Empire falls, the art of eating truffles disappears in Europe for a thousand years, along with the method for producing foie gras, except among Jews; meanwhile the Italian cities begin to be ruled by bishops, who become protectors of the oppressed and dispensers of charity, which evolves under the Lombards to the point of municipal independence, walled towns, and civilian consuls and guilds, and ultimately backfires as the towns fight encroachments from the papacy and the German emperors, ending in fun guys like Giuseppe Garibaldi in the 1900s? Budhagupta (-495) becomes emperor #11 of the Gupta Dynasty in N India (until 476), ruling from N Bengal to E Malwa or Surashtra. Roman consuls: Flavius Basiliscus and Armatus; after an interval of seven years, Odoacer allows consuls to continue to be appointed, and they continue on until the year 1448, although the office is reduced to an honorary one. Births: Hindu astronomer-mathematician Aryabhata (Aryabhatta) (AKA Arjehir) (d. 550) in Pataliputra (modern-day Patna) on the upper Ganges River. Deaths: German Christian archbishop St. Maximus (b. ?) in Salzburg at the foot of Mount Monchberg (martyred); disciple of St. Severin.

Lights Out in the West

477 By this year the Visigoth Herulii or Heruls control Italy; the Ostrogoths control Pannonia; the Franks control N Gaul; Roman Gen. Syagrius controls the Seine River Valley; the Burgundians control Gaul S of the Seine Valley between the Saone and Rhone Rivers from the Vosges Forest to the Alps and the Sea of Marseille; Armorica controls Brittany; the Visigoths control S France, and all of Spain except the NW, which is controlled by the Sueves (originally from between the Elbe and Oder Rivers); the Vandals (originally from between the Oder and Vistula Rivers) control N Africa, W Sicily, Corsica, Sardinia, and the Balearic Isles; the Alamanni control the territory N of Italy; the Thuringians control the territory to the N of them; the Saxons control modern-day Belgium; the Angles control modern-day Denmark; the Lombards control the Oder Valley N of the Danube River; the Jutes control Kent. On Jan. 25 Genseric (b. 389) dies, and his son Hunneric (Honeric) (-484) becomes king of the Vandals (until 484), going on to persecute non-Arian Christian church members. The Kingdom of Sussex (South Sussex) in SE England is founded by Aelle (Ella) of Sussex (-514) after he and his three sons land in Cymensora and conquer the local Britons. Song Hou Fei Di (b. 463) is killed by gen. Xiao Daocheng (427-82), who makes Hou Fei's brother Liu Zhun into Song Shun Di (Zhongmou) (Zhiguan) (467-79), Liu Song emperor #9 of China (until 479), with Xiao holding real power. Deaths: Vandal king (428-77) Genseric (b. 389) on Jan. 25 in Carthage.

478 Zeno's mother-in-law Verina raises 70K troops for an unsuccessful revolt against Isaurian gen. Illus, led by her son-in-law Marcian and Thracian Ostrogoth warlord Theodoric Strabo (-481), kinsman of Theodoric the Amalian (the Great). Japanese Yamato emperor Yuryaku sends a memorial to the court of the Northern Wei Dynasty, demanding and getting confirmed as supreme dir. of military affairs in Japan and Korea. The first Shinto shrines in Japan are built. Births: Byzantine eunuch gen. Narses (Nerses) (d. 573); a Romanized Armenian of the noble Kamsarakan family claiming descent from the Arsacids.

479 Julius Nepos begins plotting to overthrow Odoacer, who gets wind of it (from pesky Glycerius?). Congallus I (d. 501) becomes king of Dalriada in Scotland. Xiao Daocheng seizes power, assassinating Song Shun Di (b. 467) and ending the Liu Song Dynasty, becoming Qi Gao Di (Shao Doujian) (Xiao Daocheng) (427-82), emperor #1 (until 482) of the Song (Southern) Qi Dynasty (ends 502). Emperor (since 456) Yuryaku (b. 418) dies, and next year after defeating his brother Prince Hoshikawa, his son Seinei (Shiraka) ("white-haired") (-484) (an albino?) becomes Japanese Yamato emperor #22 (until 484). Births: Italian statesman-writer-monk Flavius Magnus Aurelius Cassiodorus Senator (Junior) (d. 585) in Scylletium (Squillace) in S Italy; born of a wealthy Syrian family long settled in Italy in the provinces of Bruttium and Lucania; co-founder with Benedict of Nursia (480-544) of Roman Catholic monasticism; his grandfather helped defend Sicily against Genseric; his father Cassiodorus the Elder held a high rank at Valentinian III's court. Deaths: Japanese Yamato emperor #21 (456-79) Yuryaku (b. 418).

480 - I refuse to believe it's over? The last Western Roman emperor is killed, along with the last hope of the Western Roman Empire making a comeback with 101 Dalmatians?

480 On Apr. 25 Julius Nepos is assassinated by two of his servants at his country house, while Odoacer invades Dalmatia and defeats a Roman force led by gen. Ovida (who is killed) on Dec. 9, adding Dalmatia to his kingdom and paying off Glycerius by making him bishop of Mediolanum (Milan); with Nepos' death the Roman Empire theoretically continues under the Byzantine emperors, with "patrician" Odoacer working for them, although he rules as a de facto independent king of Italy, and the Western Roman Empire is kaput. Architecture: About this time Mookini Luakini is built in North Kohala the Big Island of Hawaii, becoming one of Hawaii's first heiau (religious temples), later the birthplace of Kamehameha I. Nonfiction: Constantantius of Lyons writes The Life of Bishop Germanus of Auxerre in Brittany. Births: Roman Platonic philosopher-senator ("Last of the Romans and first of the Scholastics") Anicius Manlius Severinus Boethius (Boëthius) (d. 524) in Rome; son of Flavius Manlius Boethius; descendant of emperors Petronius Maximus and Olybrius; "The last of the Romans whom Cato or Tully could have acknowledged for their countrymen" - Gibbon, Ch. 39; a wealthy orphan, he is well educated, and spends several years in Athens studying under Proclus; marries the daughter of patrician Symmachus; ends up a Christian? Italian Roman Catholic monk ("Founder of Western Monasticism") (St.) Benedict of Nursia (d. 544) in Nursia (Norica) (near Spoleto); co-founder with Cassiodorus Senator of Roman Catholic monasticism; feast days: Mar. 21, July 11; twin brother of Italian Roman Catholic nun (St.) Scholastica (d. 547); feast day: Feb. 10. Deaths: Arab line founder Qusayy (b. 480); dies after marrying Hubba, daughter of Hulail, ruler of Mecca, then taking over the Qaaba (Kaaba) by force, which the Muslims later try to coverup by claiming he purchased it for a skin of wine and a lute; another coverup attempt is the Muslim claim that Qusayy's enemies suddenly were plagued by an outbreak of pustules and ran for it; either way, Qusayy became the lord of the pagan Qaabah, controlling access and raking in all the moolah from the concessions, and passing it on to his sons and on down the line, meaning that Islam and its Five Pillars were already in place for 1-2 cents. before Muhammad founded Islam, but in a pagan form? Roman emperor #103 (474-80) Julius Nepos (b. 430) on Apr. 25 (May 9?) (June 22?) in Dalmatia (assassinated). Welsh princess St. Tydfil (b. ?) in Merthyr Tydfil ("mausoleum of Tydfil"); daughter of King Brychan of Brycheiniog; slain by pagans.

481 - Beginning this year, if you're a blonde-blue German your future in Europe is so bright you need to wear shades?

Clovis I of the Franks (466-511) Clovis I of the Franks (466-511) and the Merovingian Kings

481 Childeric I (b. 437) dies, and 15-y.-o. son Clovis I (466-511) becomes king of the Germanic Salian (still pagan) Franks (later, first Merovingian king of all the Franks) at Tournai on the right bank of the Rhine River; all Merovingian priest-kings are known for their blue Germanic eyes, wearing long hair a la Samson and claiming magic powers via Noah and ancient Arcadia and Troy, automatically becoming priest-king at age 12 and leaving govt. admin. to the mayors of the palace (who overthrow them in 751), while they continue to practice polygamy even after converting to Roman Catholicism; in 1653 Childeric I's tomb is discovered, containing 300 miniature gold bees, a severed horse's head, a golden bull's head, and a crystal ball; in 1804 Napoleon has the bees affixed to his coronation robes. Visigoth king Euric expands his domain from the Pyrenees to the Loire River and E to the Rhone River, securing Provence from Odoacer. Theodoric, son of Strabo dies, and Zeno recognizes Theodoric as patrician and master of the troops, and his people in Moesia as federati. Vahan Mamigonian leads a revolt against the Persians in Iberia and Armenia (ends 483).

St. Severinus of Noricum (410-82)

482 The Battle of Ocha at Faughan Hill in County Meath sees high king Alill Molt (Alill mac Nath i) KIA by the sons of Niall, fixing the high kingship of Ireland in one family for the next five cents. Emperor Zeno issues the Henoticon, an edict of union that tries to bridge the gap between the Orthodox position and the Monophysites. Qi Gao Di dies, and Qi Wu Di (Xiao Ze) (Xuanyuan) (Long'er) (440-93) becomes Song (Southern) Qi emperor #2 of China (until 493), going on to rule wisely although a bit wastefully, and forbidding marriage between families of the same tribe - that way Chinese won't all look alike? Kiev (modern-day pop. 2.9M/3.4M), the oldest Slavic city is founded on the right bank of the Dnieper River 600 mi. N of the Black Sea on a steep line of wooded bluffs 300 ft. over the river by Kyi and his brothers Shchek and Khoryv and sister Lybid; in 1917 it becomes the capital of Ukraine. Deaths: Christian monk St. Severinus of Noricum (b. 410) on Jan. 8 in Favianae, Noricum; dies singing Psalm 150 after predicting the destruction of Austura, Austria by Attila the Hun; six years later his monks are driven from the abbey, and take his body to the Abbey of San Severino near Naples. Births: Byzantine (last Roman?) emperor #105 (527-65) (Latin-speaking) (Christian) Justinian I the Great (Flavius Petrus Anicius Sabbatius Justinianus Augustus) (d. 565) in the village of Tauresium in the district of Bederiana (Dardania), Dacia near Skupi (Skopje) and the ruins of Sardica (modern-day Sophia); son of Sabatius (Stipes) (Istock) (Stock) and Bigleniza (Vigilantia); nephew of Justinus (Justin) I (450-527), who rose from peasant stock; husband (525-48) of Theodora (500-48).

Pope St. Felix III (-492)

483 On Mar. 10 Pope (since 468) Simplicius dies, and on Mar. 13 Pope (#48) (St.) Felix III (II) (-492) is elected. The Persians withdraw their forces from Armenia to aid Shah Peroz's campaign against the Hephthalites. Deaths: Irish king of Leinster Crimthann mac Ennai (b. ?)

Mar Saba Monastery, 484 Valkash of Persia (-488)

484 In Apr. the Synod of Beth Lapat, led by Bar Sauma of Nisibis deposes Edessa Catholicos (bishop) (since 457) Babowai, after which the Persians accuse him of conspiring with Constantinople and cruelly execute him, then replace him with Bar Sauma, who holds the Persian Church Council of Jundishapur, establishing Nestorianism as the sole doctrine of the Persian Christian church (until 489), and honoring the memory of Nestorian doctrine main man Theodore of Mopsuestia; after the Zoroastrian Persians, who hold family life sacred object to the sick mastur, er, monastic practice of celibacy, priests and bishops are given permission to marry (until 553). On Dec. 28 Euric II (b. 440) dies, leaving a kingdom controlling all a third of France and all of Iberia except Galicia, and his son Alaric II (458-507) becomes king #8 of the Visigoths in Spain (until Aug. 507), extending his rule from the Loire River to Gibraltar, and from the Rhone River to the Bay of Biscay, giving him dominion over Gallia Aquitania and Gallia Narbonensis, along with the entire W end of the Mediterranean he Romanizes his kingdom, and draws up a law code combining Roman and German elements; meanwhile the kingship remains elective rather than hereditary, weakening it. Peroz I is KIA fnear Balkh by the Hephthalites, and his brother Balash (Valash) (Valkhash) (-488) is selected by the nobles as Sassanian shah of Persia; he agrees to pay tribute to the Hephthalites, and after Vahan Mamigonian aids him in a civil war they sign the Treaty of Nvarsak (Nuwarsak), permitting the Armenians to practice Christianity and ending Zoroastrian practice in Armenia; Vahan Mamigonian is appointed marzban of Armenia. Pope Felix III, pissed-off at the Monophysite-leaning Henoticon excommunicates Byzantine emperor Zeno and the patriarch of Constantinople, beginning the Acacian Schism (ends 519) - just because we're down on the political scene, we ain't kissing your butts theologically? The first Christian monastery in Ireland is founded in the Aran Islands (Inishmore, Inishmaan, Inisheer) at the mouth of Galway Bay on the barren isle of Killeany, Innish by St. Enda of Aran (450-530); in 546 it is agreed by the kings of Munster and Connacht, whose territories are separated by Galway Bay that the islands should be independent and pay no tribute. Emperor (since 480) Seinei (b. ?) dies without heirs but after adopting grandsons Richu, Oke, and Woke, and next year Oke (whose father was killed with an arrow in a hunting expedition by emperor Yuryaku) becomes Japanese Yamato emperor #23 Kenzo (-487) (until 487), going on to have his daddy's remains dug up and reinterred in a mausoleum, and rule from Asuka. Cappadocian-born monk St. Sabbas the Sanctified (439-532) founds the Great Lavra (Mar Saba) monastery overlooking the Kidron Valley S of Jerusalem halfway to the Dead Sea, going on to found several more monasteries in Palestine; in 491 he is ordained by Patriarch Salustius of Jerusalem and appointed archimandrite (superior abbot) of all the monasteries in Palaestina Prima, composing the Jerusalem Typikon, the first monastic rule of church services, becoming the std. for all Byzantine monasteries; it is supposed to host the last liturgy before the Second Coming of Christ. Births: Frankish Merovingian king (511-33) Theodoric (Theoderic) (Theuderic) (Thierry) I (d. 534); son of Clovis I. Irish monk (St.) Brendan (Breanainn) (the Navigator) (the Voyager) (the Bold) of Clonfert (d. 578) in Fenit, Tralee, Kerry; renowned for his legendara Journey to the Isle of the Blessed (Promised Land of the Saints) (Terra repromissionis sanctorum) titled Navigatio Sancti Brendani abbatis with 14 companions; feast day: May 16 (Roman Catholic), Jan. 15 (Orthodox). Deaths: Visigoth king (466-84) Euric II (b. 440) in Toulouse. Japanese Yamato emperor #22 (480-4) Seinei (b. ?).

485 Births: Welsh Christian bishop-monk (St.) Samson of Dol (d. 565) in S Wales; son of Anna of Gwent, daughter of King Meurig ap Tewdrig of Glamorgan and Gwent. Welsh Christian saint St. Samson of Dol (d. 565) in South Wales; flourishes in Dol-de-Bretagne, Brittany; feast day: July 28; one of the seven founding saints of Brittany with Pol Aurelian, Tugdual (Tudwal), Brieuc, Malo, Paternus, and Corentin. Deaths: Greek Neoplatonist philosopher Proclus (b. 412) on Apr. 17 in Athens; leaves The Elements of Theology, consisting of 211 propositions and proofs, starting with the existence of the One (Divine Unity) and ending with the descent of individual souls into the material world; also The Platonic Theology (On the Theology of Plato), using Plato's dialogues to illustrate the divine orders, the part of the Universe closest to the One, becoming one of the most elaborate and fully developed systems of Neoplatonism.

486 - The Refrigerated Hot Dog France Born under Lovey-Dovey Clo-vee Lo-vee Lu-ee Year?

486 Gundobald kills his brother Gundomar; one down, two to go. After striking out from the Ardennes and conquering Troyes, Reims, and Amiens, and defeating Roman Gen. Syagrius, ending his kingdom of Soissons (founded 457), giving him control of all territory between the Somme and Loire Rivers, 20-y.-o. Clovis I unites the Salian and Ripurian Franks, and becomes king of all the Franks; after he flees to the protection of Visigoth king Alaric II, Syagrius is imprisoned and handed back to Clovis I, who decapitates him. The Fourth (4th) Gen. Synod of the Persian Church (Synod of Acacius) officially adopts Nestorianism and affirms the right of priests and bishops to marry. Deaths: Roman poet-bishop Sidonius (b. 431); leaves letters describing his times. Sicilian monk (St.) Calogerus (Gr. "Kalos" + "Geron" = nice old man, as in monk) the Anchorite (b. 561) in Chalcedonia; one of three saints incl. Bishop Gregorius and Deacon Demetrius who fled from Africa to Agrigento, Sicily to escape Arian persecution; feast day: June 18.

487 The whole pop. of Switzerland, Bavaria, and Austria moves S following Odoacer's usurpation of power. Emperor (since 485) Kenzo (b. ?) dies, and his brother Prince Oyoke (grandson of Richu) becomes Ninken (-498), Japanese Yamato emperor #24 (until 498). Odoacer appoints Roman nobleman Flavius Manlius Boethius (father of Anicius Manlius Severinus Boethius) as consul. Deaths: Japanese Yamato emperor #23 (485-7) Kenzo (b. ?).

488 - Vengeance, the party that cares?

Kavadh I of Persia (-531)

488 Ostrogoth King Theodoric the Amaling is ordered by Emperor Zeno to attack a brother tribe of Goths led by another Theodoric (the son of Triarius); when Byzantine reinforcements promised at Adrianople (modern-day Edirne) in NW Turkey near the Greek border fail to materialize, the Ostrogoths continue to march into Thrace, and are betrayed by their guides on Mt. Sondis, finding the other tribe surrounding them; after a speech by the son of Triarius ("Are you ignorant that it is the constant policy of the Romans to destroy the Goths by each other's swords?") Theodoric the Amaling makes peace with them; the son of Triarius then dies accidentally when his horse throws him on a spear in camp, and the combined tribes acknowledge Theodoric the Amaling as king; the Byzantines submit to a treaty which requires large payments of baksheesh to them all? Singidunum is captured by the Gepids (until 504). Balash is assassinated, and Peroz's son (a hostage of the Hephthalites) Kavadh (Kabades) ("first reign") I (d. 531) becomes king of Persia, supporting the socioreligious movement of gnostic egalitarian Zoroastrian priest Mazdak (-528), son of Bamdad, who is supported by the commoners but disliked by the nobles and priesthood. Deaths: Jute chief Hengist (b. ?) in Kent.

489 Theodoric the Great, his insatiable people having consumed fortune after fortune and remaining broke, wins the permission of Emperor Zeno to invade Italy and conquer the tyrant "Odoacer the Mercenary", saying, "If I fail, you will be relieved from an expensive and troublesome friend; if, with the Divine permission, I succeed, I shall govern in your name, and to your glory, the Roman senate, and the part of the republic delivered from slavery by my victorious arms"; he then calls all of his men and their families, plus any loose Goths floating around to join him, and his 200K people (40K warriors) march 700 mi. in the winter through depopulated Dacia and Pannonia, fighting Bulgarians, Gepidae and Sarmatians (egged on by Odoacer), then through the Julian Alps into Italy, meeting the Acer at the Battle of the Sontius (Isonzo) River near the ruins of Aquileia, and defeating him, capturing Venetia as far as Verona, then, after Theodoric asks his mother and sister to clothe him with rich garments they made ("You are known to the world as the mother of Theodoric, and it becomes me to prove that I am the genuine offspring of those heroes from whom I claim my descent") he leads his men against Odoacer, who routs them, until his wife (concubine?) gives a speech at the camp entrance ("Would you return?", etc.) which causes them to turn around and go on the attack, defeating Odoacer again, and causing him to flee to Ravenna; Theodoric then captures Milan and seems to have Italy in his palm, but Odoacer uses a traitor to betray and defeat his vanguard near Faenza, causing Theodoric to circle the wagons at Pavia and call on the Visigoths of Gaul for aid, while Odoacer flees to Rome, which shuts him out, causing him to hole-up in Ravenna for the next three years. Emperor Zeno closes the School of the Persians in Edessa for the last time, causing the remaining Nestorians to flee to the Persian city of Nisibis. The Codex Petropolitanus is dated this year; would be the oldest Hebrew ms. of the Bible known if the date were true; really written in the 6th cent.? Births: Japanese Yamato emperor #25 (498-507) Buretsu (Ohatsuse) (d. 507); son of Ninken (-498).

490 Late in this cent. the Roman Catholic Church begins the practice of mandatory tonsure for new seminarians to symbolize renunciation of the world (until 1972). Late in this cent. Irish priest St. Declan (Declán) (Déclán) of Ardmore converts the Deisi (Déisi) of E Munster, and founds the Ard Mor (Ardmore) Monastery in modern-day County Waterford. an Irish priest of the Decies Kingdom in Munster, who met St. Patrick flourishes. In the late 5th cent. C.E. Irish priest St. Declan (Declán) (Déclán) of Ardmore converts the Deisi (Déisi) of E Munster, and founds the Ard Mor (Ardmore) Monastery in modern-day County Waterford. an Irish priest of the Decies Kingdom in Munster, who met St. Patrick flourishes. On Aug. 11 Theodoric the Great wins the Battle of the Adda River over the remaining Heruli-Scirii army under Flavius Odoacer, and rules Italy from the Alps to Calabria, causing the Vandals to give up Sicily, and the Senate and people of Rome to accept him as their deliverer; meanwhile he sieges Odoacer in Ravenna; about this time Cassiodorus Senator becomes Odoacer's private treasurer, followed by Count of the Sacred Largesses. Emperor Zeno executes the silentarius (crowd husher) Pelagius on the basis of a prediction that he is a threat to his throne. Architecture: Late in the 5th cent. St. Brigid (Bridget) (Gael. "exalted") of Kildare (451-525) founds the double (abbot-abbess) Kildare Abbey in County Kildare, Ireland, keeper of the inextinguishable holy fire, becoming known as "the head city of all the bishops", with first bishop St. Conleth and his successors becoming known as "the archbishops of the bishops of Ireland", with huge crowds arriving to celebrate St. Brigid's feast day of Feb. 1 and receive cures at her venerated shrine; too bad, in 1136 it is sacked by Diarmaid O'Brien and his brothers. Births: Greek hymnodist ("the Pindar of rhythmic poetry") (St.) Romanos (Romanus) the Melodist (Hymnographer) (d. 556) in Syria; born to a Jewish family in Emessa or Damascus. Greek Neoplatonist philosopher (last great pagan philosopher) Simplicius of Cilicia (d. 560); pupil of Damascius. Greek Byzantine "Wars of Justinian" historian >Procopius of Caesarea (d. 562) in Caesarea, Palestine.

491 - A butler rules the Byzantine Empire for 27 years?

Emperor Anastasius I (431-518)

491 On Apr. 9 Byzantine emperor (since 474) Zeno (b. 426) dies, and is succeeded as Roman Byzantine emperor #103 (until July 9, 518) by Anastasius (Dicorus) I (431-518) (nicknamed Dicorus or two-pupiled for having one black eye and one blue eye), an elderly palace domestic raised to the throne by Zeno's widow Ariadne and her mother Verina to public acclaim with the chant "Reign as you have lived!"; he marries Ariadne and removes the Isaurians from power, causing a serious revolt in Isauria which takes until 497 to suppress; too bad, he is a Monophysite, causing revolts to brew. The Saxons of Sussex defeat the Britons at the Battle of Pevensey, slaughtering them to the last man, causing the remaining Britons to flee to Brittany. Births: Persian Nestorian monk (father of the Assyrian monastic revival) (St.) Abraham the Great of Kaskhar (d. 586) (b. 492?) in Kaskhar; feast day: 6th Fri. after Epiphany; teacher of Babai the Great (551-628). Deaths: Roman Byzantine emperor #102 (474-91) Zeno (b. 426) on Apr. 9 in Constantinople; he is mistakenly buried alive, and despite his voice coming out of the grave for three days, he's so unpopular that nobody opens the grave to rescue him?

492 - The Kyrie Eleison

Pope St. Gelasius I (-496)

492 On Mar. 1 Pope (since 4873) Felix III dies, and on Mar. 1 Pope (#49) (St.) Gelasius I (-496) is elected (last African pope until?), declaring Feb. 14 as Valentine's Day to honor martyred Bishop Valentine, defending the supremacy of the Roman See of Peter over that of kings, inserting the "kyrie eleison" into the Mass, and instituting the code for the uniforming of rites and ceremonies.

493 - 100% tough, 100% tender? Italy finally becomes peaceful as the Ostrogoths settle down in the ruins of the dead Roman homeland?

Clothilde of Burgundy (475-548)

493 On Feb. 27 after a peace treaty is negotiated by the Bishop of Ravenna, Ostrogoth King Theodoric the Great (454-526) is admitted into Ravenna, supposedly to rule equally with Odoacer, but soon invites him to a Mar. 5 feast in the consular Palace of the Laurel Grove at the SE corner of the city and slays him personally after the soldiers he orders to do it balk, causing him to draw his sword and take on the feeble 60-y.-o. bum, who cries "Where is God?", to which Theodoric replies "Thus didst thou to my friends", and cleaves him from the collar bone to the loin, exclaiming "The wretch can have had no bones in his body"; Theodoric then becomes emperor, er, king of Rome, er, Italy, founding the Ostrogothic Empire "to introduce into Italy a generation of public felicity" (Gibbon, Ch. 39), which incl. Italy, Sicily (which Cassiodorus Senator is instrumental in getting to peacefully submit), Dalmatia, Upper Rhaetia, Noricum, Pannonia, and later Provence, with capital at Ravenna, all under Byzantine suzerainty; he doesn't take the title of Roman emperor, since for the last 17 years that job is kaput, but he is the practical emperor of what's left of the Western Roman Empire, although a Roman consul is allowed in office in an effort to peacefully integrate the former conquerors, who are now the conquered, and are limited to trying to instill their culture on the conquerors, who don't want to speak or read yukky Latin; wanting to restore the glory of the corpse he was sitting on, Theodoric attempts to restore the Roman bureaucracy, recruiting Roman aristocrats; he gives his soldiers a third part of the lands of Italy, but retains the land tax and head tax of the Roman emperors; the Goths soon multiply to 200K fighting men, and the Gothic language becomes the official language, while the native cultured Italians and illiterate militaristic Goths end up in a Planet of the Apes situation, where "An indigent Roman imitates a Goth, while a wealthy Goth imitates a Roman" (Theodoric); at first he claims to be satisfied with Italy, but then marries Clovis I's sister then marries off his two daughters, sister, and niece to the kings of the Vandals (sister), Visigoths, Franks, Burgundians, and Thuringians in an evident attempt to liberate himself from Constantinople and establish an empire incl. Gaul and Spain, pissing the Byzyantines off and causing them to later seek an alliance with the Franks; Cassiodorus Senator is made gov. of his native provinces of Bruttium and Lucania. Gundobald kills his brother Chilperic, drowns his wife and exiles his two daughters, one of them becoming a nun and the other, Clothilde (Clothilda) (Clotilda) of Burgundy (475-548), being found by the Franks and introduced to Clovis I, who falls for her and asks her hand in marriage, which Gundobald is too afraid to refuse, and after conquering numerous petty princes around his capital of Soissons, Clovis I marries her; meanwhile Gundobald attacks his last brother Godegisil, who gets Clovis I on his side, and after sieging him in Avignon, Gundobald sends emissary Aridius, who talks Clovis I into sparing him in return for a yearly tribute and making Godesil prince of Geneva; although raised in an Arian court, Clothilde is a pope-loving Trinitarian Christian, and tries unsuccessfully to pussy whip, er, convert her pagan hubby, although he permits his eldest son to be baptized, which backfires when he becomes a victim of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), causing him to pope, er, pop his cork? Qi Wu Di (b. 440) dies, and his son the prince of Yulin becomes Qi Xiao Zhaoye (Yuanshang) (Fashen) (473-94), Song (Southern) Qi emperor #3 of China (until 494). Deaths: Roman missionary St. Patrick (b. 385) on Mar. 17 in Saul, Ireland?

494 Qin Xiao Zhaoye (b. 473) is assassinated by his granduncle (nephew of Qi Gao Di) Xiao Luan, who makes his brother Price Gong of Hailing into Qi Xiao Zhaowen (Jishang) (480-94), Song (Southern) Qi emperor #4 of China, then has him poisoned and becomes Qi Ming Di (Jingqi) (Xuandu) (452-98), Song (Southern) Qi emperor #5 of China (until 498), going on to kill all the surviving sons of Qi Gao Di and Qi Wu Di, and practice frugality. Xiao Wen Di moves the Northern Wei capital from Pingcheng to Luoyang, causing a split between his new Sinicized officials and the military establishment centered in the old capital.

Cerdic of Wessex (-534)

495 Saxon king Cerdic (-534) and his son Cynric land on the S coast of England and found the kingdom of West Saxony (Wessex) (modern-day Dorsetshire), which doesn't sit well with the Celts. Births: Greek Neoplatonist philosopher-astrologer Olympiodorus the Younger (d. 570); disciple of Ammonius Hermiae; last Platonic pagan teacher in Alexandria.

496 - Four to Five, Three-Leaf Clovis, Arpeggios Please? The Original French Connection? Christian France is born when a queen pussy-whips her hubby into it, and the pope finally gets a German king to go with the Three-Is-One Nicene Council Program? The reason that every 500 years hereafter the French get a bad case of MF?

Clovis I of the Franks (466-511) St. Remigius of Reims (435-533) Pope Anastasius II (-498) Zamasp of Persia (-499)

496 Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The Germans just can't get along? 30-y.-o. Clovis (Louis) (Chlodwig) (Ludwig) (OG "renowned fighter") I (466-511), pagan king of the Germanic Franks fights the Germanic Alamanni (Alemanni) tribes of Alsace and N Switzerland at the Battle of Tolbiac (Zulpich) in Germany 24 mi. from Cologne, and is almost defeated but rallies and kills their last king and forces them to acknowledge Merovingian sovereignty; after Theodoric, who married Clovis' sister Albofleda intercedes, the Big As are allowed to retain some of their own institutions and manners, and continue living in his domain until 506; Quick, whip out the digital camera? after he either promises his orthodox Christian wife Clothilde that if he wins he will convert to her God, or resorts to invoking the Christian God when the battle is going wrong and is talked into it by Clothilde's confessor St. Remy (Rémy) (Remigius) of Reims (435-533), or is converted by St. Genevieve after she inspires the Parisians to resist him, 30-y.-o. Clovis I is converted to orthodox (Athanasian) (Three-Leaf-Clover) Christianity, then baptized by St. Remy in the Cathedral of Reims on Dec. 25 (after a holy vial is flown down by a white dove?) along with 3K of his subjects, followed by the entire Frankish nation, becoming the first Roman Catholic (orthodox Trinitarian) king of France, founding the Merovingian Dynasty (ends 751); St. Remy utters the baptismal formula: "Bow thy head humbly, Sicambrian, revere what thou hast burned, and burn what thou hast revered"; this all conveniently prevents the Arians, who had pretty much controlled the Gothic arm of the Roman army from finishing off the Athanasians and their priestly nerve center in Rome, the makings of yet another conspiracy theory, esp. when their alleged claims to be descendants of the Jewish Tribe of Benjamin are thrown in? - (Gibbon, Ch. 38) (messing up the French people for 1.5K years? Who did the pope pay off?); unfortunately, his understanding of Christianity is tainted by his savage paganism, and Clovis I comments on the Christ story that "Had I been present at the head of my valiant Franks, I would have revenged his [Christ's] injuries"; "For me, the history of France starts with Clovis, chosen as king of France by the tribe of the Franks, who gave their name to France" (Charles de Gaulle). On Nov. 21 Pope Gelasius I dies, and on Nov. 24 Pope (#50) Anastasius II (-498) is elected, condemning Traducianism (a baby's soul is inherited from the parents) in favor of Creationism (God creates each new soul individually). Kavad I is arrested by a conspiracy of nobles and priests, and replaced by his devout Mazdean younger brother (son of Peroz I) Jamasp (Zamasp) (Djamasp) (-530) as king of Persia (until 498), who becomes a good king, reducing taxes for the peasants until the returnof Kavad I. Narsai draws up rules for the School of the Persians in Nisibis. Births: Frankish Merovingian king (511-58) Childebert I (d. 558) in Rheims; son of Clovis I; brother of Lothair I (-561).

497 - Burgundy flows red with intra-Christian strife?

497 Clovis I dismisses a church synod then assassinates all the other Merovingian princes, then remembers he's supposed to be a Christian now and puts on a hanky act? King Gundobald of Burgundy (an Arian) convenes the Synod of Lyons to try to reconcile the Athanasian bishops, who are gleefully expecting Clovis I to kick the Arian bishops' butts, but despite the Arian bishops' attempts to convince them of the folly of worshiping three gods, their leader Bishop Avitus of Vienne takes on the king, and when the latter asks him why, if Clovis is now a Christian, he is trying to destroy him, pointing out that "A sanguinary and covetous mind is not the symptom of a sincere conversion. Let him show his faith by his works", Avitus comes back with the soundbyte "We are taught by Scripture that the kingdoms which abandon the divine laws are frequently subverted, and that enemies will arise on every side against those who have made God their enemy", causing the king to close the synod; the Franks then invade and meet the Burgundians between Langres and Dijon, and after Gundobald's brother Godegesil and his Genevan troops switch sides, the Franks win, causing the Burgundians to retreat to Avignon 250 mi. away, giving the cities of Lyons and Vienne to Clovis. Kavad I escapes to the Hephthalites to seek their aid. The Fifth Gen. Synod of the Persian Church (Synod of Babai II) is held. Births: Frankish Merovingian king (511-61) Clotaire (Clothar) (Lothar) (the Old) (d. 561) in Soissons; one of the four sons of Clovis I (466-511).

498 - The Pope Symmachus Year?

Pope Symmachus (-514)

498 On Nov. 19 Pope Anastasius II dies, and on Nov. 22 Pope (#51) (St.) Symmachus (-514) is elected; on Nov. 22 Laurentius (Lawrence), archpriest of Santa Prassede is elected antipope by a pro-Byzantine faction supported by Byzantine Emperor Anastasius I and Gothic king Theodoric the Great, who installs him in the Lateran (until 506). The Franks defeat Visigoth king Alaric II and siege Avignon, but it takes too long for comfort, and they agree to leave after making Gundobald pay a tribute and promise to pardon Godegesil, but as soon as they leave, Godegesil and 5K men are attacked at the Battle of Vienne by the pissed-off Burgundian king, who kills Godegesil and sends the POWs to the king of the Visigoths, who settles them in Toulouse; Clovis I lets it go after the native Roman pop. rallies and Gundobald smooths things over by hinting that he might convert to Trinitarianism, which he never does? Qi Ming Di dies, and Qi Dong Hun Hou Di (-501) becomes Song (Southern) Qi emperor #6 of China (until 501). Kavad I travels to Turkestan N of the Oxus River with some Nestorians to evangelize the Hephthalites, and returns with some, converting the Hephthalite king, who sends him back to Persia at the head of a large army, causing Zamasp to resign, and Kavad regains the throne of Persia, but on his wiser 2nd reign he withdraws official support for Mazdak and his radical reform ideas; Jamasp leads an army to Persian Armenia, defeating the Khazars and conquering some of their territory before marrying an Armenian woman, who bears him a son named Narsi. Emperor (since 487) Ninken (b. ?) dies, and his son Buretsu (-507) becomes Japanese Yamato emperor #25 (until 507). Qi Ming Di (b. 452) dies, and Qi Xiao Baojuan (Mingxian) (Zhizang) (483-501) becomes Song (Southern) Qi emperor #6 of China (until 501), going on to stink himself up with cruelty and jealousy, executing several high officials and causing revolts. Deaths: Japanese Yamato emperor #24 (488-98) Ninken (b. ?).

499 - You see them in your rearview mirror, and suddenly you're the world's best driver? Millennium Fever is at its height among the groveling Dark Age masses, with their belief that 500 C.E. will mark the end of the world and all will be judged by Big Daddy in the Sky? Had not the fall of Rome in 476 cinched it? But just like any racket, those in power and luxury continue to build palaces and amass property like they've got all the time in the worldy world world world, and the new Gothic Godfather sets up shop in sunny Italy right in Rome's backyard, with business as usual?

Aryabhata (476-550)

499 As Christian theologians Irenaeus (d. 203), Hippolytus (d. 235) and Sextus Julius Africanus (d. 240) predicted the Second Coming of Christ for next year, Millennium Fever rocks the house throughout learned Roman Christendom; the Vandal invasions spur new calculations that Genseric's number is 666. In Jan. Theodoric the Great visits Rome, and is greeted by the Roman Senate and people as the second Trajan and/or new Valentinian, telling them in a speech that he will provide them a just and legal govt., and topping it off by inscribing a tablet of brass; "In the scale of public and personal merit, the Gothic conqueror is at least as much above Valentinian as he may seem inferior to Trajan" - Gibbon, Ch. 39; he stays 6 mo., intervening in the papal election, holding a tribunal where both popes appear before him, and choosing Symmachus, and in Feb. Laurentius submits, proving that the Italian king (an Arian) now picks the Catholic pope (and must therefore be the true head of the Church?); not wanting to live in the stinkhole of Rome, Theodosius constructs his palace in Verona in the Po River Valley; as a kind of reward for becoming a made man, Pope Symmachus constructs the Vatican (Apostolic) Palace near to St. Peter's Basilica, and consolidates all Church property for the use of the clergy - they're now all made men? In Mar. a synod at Rome ordains that any Roman cleric who seeks votes for a successor to a living pope is to be deposed. Xiao Wen Di dies, and avid Buddhist Xuan Wu Di (Tuoba Ke) (Yuan Ke) (483-515) becomes emperor #8 of the Northern Wei in China (until 515); during his reign the kingdom reaches its peak, and Buddhism becomes the state religion. Nonfiction: Hindu mathematician-astronomer Aryabhata (Arjehir) (476-550) writes the Sanskrit verse Aryabhatiya, divided into 4 parts: "Celestial Harmonies", "Elements of Calculation", "On Time and its Measures", and "Spheres"; Aryabhata advances the theory that the Earth rotates on its axis, gives the correct explanation for eclipses of the Sun and Moon, the value of pi as 3.1416, and solves the quadratic equation with the first known use of algebra; "The Moon consists of water, the Sun of fire, the Earth of earth, and the Earth's shadow of darkness. The Moon obscures the Sun and the great shadow of the Earth obscures the Moon"; too bad there's nobody left in the Ever-Saved West who cares enough to say goodbye or hello?

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