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TLW's Europescope™ (Europe Historyscope)

By T.L. Winslow (TLW), the Historyscoper™

© Copyright by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.

Original Pub. Date: May 6, 2018. Last Update: Aug. 25, 2019.

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What Is A Historyscope?

Westerners are not only known as history ignoramuses, but double dumbass history ignoramuses when it comes to Europe and European history. Since I'm the one-and-only Historyscoper (tm), let me quickly bring you up to speed before you dive into my Historyscopes.

First of all, we need a foundation. Let's start with the beginning. We want to learn the history of the world, and that means Earth. What is Earth? It's a sphere, get over it. Quick! What is its diameter, in thousands of miles, to one digit accuracy? Eight. When God made the Solar System, he made Earth the 8-ball in the side pocket. What is the mathematical formula for its diameter? D times the magical number Pi, approximately 3.1, giving approximately 25 thousand miles. So if you wanted to go around the Earth in 80 days, you'd have to go how many miles each day? 300. That comes to 12.5 miles per hour if you traveled 24 hours a day. No wonder Phileas Fogg could do it in ships and trains, with enough time left over for camels, hanky-panky and a little hiking.

What is the formula for the surface area of the Earth in terms of the diameter D and the magical number Pi? Pi times D squared. That comes out to 197 million square miles. How many acres are in a square mile? 640. So that's a lot of acres. Back in the U.S. Civil War (1861-5), the U.S. government promised the blacks of South Carolina 40 acres and a mule, and later reneged. But when they opened up stolen Indian land for the Oklahoma Land Rush in 1889, they promised each white a whole square mile, so they must have thought that a white was equal to 16 nig, er, blacks. Of course not all of the Earth is dry land, and until we learn to live on the bottom of the sea, we are limited to what fraction? Is it like the 80-20 rule, e.g., 20% of the people have 80% of the wealth? No, God was feeling generous. The Earth is 29% land, and 71% water. Not that generous, however, since the Bible says he foreclosed on a bunch of it with a Great Flood to punish man for being bad. That still comes out to 57 million square miles of dry land, which is a whopping big amount. How many square miles do you own? How many acres? Most people don't even own one acre, yet they're doing okay. How did God distribute the land to the aboriginal races of man? There are seven continents, so if they were all equal in size, they'd each get about 8 million square miles, but too bad, some got more and some got less. List the continents from largest to smallest, along with the number of millions of square miles of land. Hint, the largest has the most people. Okay, I'll tell you. Asia got 16, Africa 12, North America 9, South America 7, Antarctica 5, Europe 4, and Australia 3. It helps to memorize these rounded figures, 16-12-9-7-5-4-3. So Asia got double, Africa an extra 50%, and the Americas about the right amount, leaving Antarctica, Europe and Australia with half each. So, God must have liked the yellow people the best, followed by the blacks, reds and browns, penguins, and finally the whites and Australian aborigines. That's where the White is Right program came from, because the white Euros overpopulated and solved their problems by striking out and stealing everybody else's land, and needed a justification for their crimes, and what's better than saying that God made the white race to rule everybody else, so hand it over or we'll take it in the name of God? Call that TLW's Fractured History of Europe, take it for what it's worth, but don't forget it.

Europe is the home of the so-called white master race, with their trademark being butts as white as Crisco. Too bad, civilization started in the east in China and moved west to Persia, Babylon, Egypt, Greece, and Rome, and Europe was the last to get it. Egypt was dying of old age while whites in Europe were still running around in skins, afraid to bend over to pick up a rutabaga because they might get a wild boar's tusk up their ass. Until many centuries after Christ, western Euros were considered the wild men of the world, the white Indians, organized into groups of tribes with the same language, culture, customs, and religion, but no central organization, emperor, royal roads, capital city, or royal library, not even an alphabet. White was definitely lame, sorry. No surprise then that in the 15th cent. C.E. when the white Euros got tall ships and discovered the New World and saw all the wild Stone Age red-brown tribes running around who missed all the fun in Europe, they saw their chance and ramped up the white supremacy thingie to play Caesar with them, not to mention Darkest Africa, but I'm getting ahead.

Egyptian Pharaoh Rameses II the Great (-1303 to -1213) Bill Clinton (1946-) and Monica Lewinsky

Speaking of Egypt. In 1233 B.C.E. at the climax of the year's largest religious festival in Thebes, 70-y.-o. Pharaoh (since -1279) Rameses (Ramesses) (Ramses) II (the Great) (-1303 to -1213) stands on the pyramid before 300K adoring subjects and lifts his short white robe to reveal an erect thebesing penis, causing them to cheer after seeing that their pharaoh's staff is mighty and that Egypt will prosper; he dies after fathering 100+ legitimate and 1K+ illegitimate children, causing everybody in Egypt to end up looking like him?; according to Norman Mailer, nothing like this happens again until the days of U.S. Pres. Bill Clinton - a lost invention of Egyptian Viagra, or the eggplant trick of John Barth's "Sot Weed Factor"?

European history starts around 1000 B.C.E., with the major groups living there being as follows. First, there were the blonde-haired blue-eyed Norse, living in Norseland, which the ancients called Thule, as in if you try to pee you'll freeze your tool. They lived in the cold clammy misty Baltic Sea, which actually provided an easy living since all they had to do was scoop food out of the water, and burn some manure or whale oil in their sod huts in their small fishing villages on the coasts. Of course if you didn't have depigmented skin you wouldn't absorb enough Vitamin D to live to raise children, so each generation got whiter, blonder, and bluer, who wouldn't want to be the masseuse of the Swedish Bikini Team.

The next group is the Germans, on the east side of the Rhine River. When the the Norse overpopulated they began to hack their way into the giant Black Forest that later became Germany, looking for Lebensraum (living room). At first the forest was so thick that not enough sunlight came through to grow crops, and they were hampered by the lack of steel plows, so it was slow going, and even when they got land cleared, they would overpopulate it and have to hack further in.

So at first there weren't any Germans, just Norse, which is why the root language of German is Norse, although by now they have interbred with other groups and diverged, with some of the most truly ugly white people ever seen, not to mention their language, which sounds like gutter talk you might hear in the alley behind a whorehouse near a port. There isn't a beautiful word in German, if so, what? For instance, "Ich liebe dich" is German for I love you, as in Hansel, ich liebe dich, I want to lick your dick, thanks Gretel, I want you to lick my dick too. Call me prejudiced since I speak English, but peeyu.

To the west of the Rhine River, including parts of Spain and all of the British Isles was the group of 150 tribes called the Celts. They are the white people with red and brown hair. The men liked to grow big bushy red beards, and the tall red-haired Celtic warrior women gave Romans wet dreams. I know, red hair is gross and should be outlawed, it looks like somebody broke a bottle on their heads and they're bleeding into their hair, but there's also something sexy about red, call it an acquired taste.

Actually they didn't call themselves Celts, that's what the Greeks and Romans called them. They called themselves Gaels, and their language is called Gaelic. The Celts were virtually wiped out of the Continent by the Romans under Julius Caesar, and survived mainly in the British Isles, while Caesar blew his own horn with the winner's-side coverup he called "The Gallic Wars". This is a great tragedy, because Gaelic is the most beautiful language in Europe, there isn't an ugly word in it, and the Gaelic culture was also beautiful, and a lot of it was wiped out by Caesar since it was preserved orally not in writing. Gaelic is still spoken in the highlands of Scotland, in Wales, and Ireland, but it has been corrupted over the centuries and they probably can't even understand each other anymore. Still, the Celts survive in Europe and the Isles through place names and words that they injected into French and English, which otherwise are just combos of German and Latin and would be totally ugly. Obviously French got more Gaelic words, that's why it's so beautiful. But I'm diverging.

The Gauls were just the biggest tribe of Celts on the Continent. There were also the Belgi in modern-day Belgium, the Helviti in the passes of the Alps in modern-day Switzerland, and the Boii in the Po River Valley in N Italy, who were chased out by the Romans into Bohemia. In the British Isles the biggest tribe of Celts were the Britons. A century after Caesar was killed by the senators on the Ides of March of -44, the Romans finished conquering the Celts of Britain in 43 C.E., and declared the new Roman province of Britannia, finishing off warrior queen Boudica in 62 C.E. and ending the Celts' last hope. The remaining Celts went into hiding in the inaccessible highlands of Scotland, the Cambrian Mts. of Wales, and the Emerald Isle of Ireland, while the Romans romanized Britain, turning it into a vast slave labor camp run by the aristocrats who sent vast wealth back to Rome in their galleys. In other words, one of the biggest rapes in history, which unfortunately served as the model for Euros ever since, with every new dictator wanting to be some kind of caesar and steal somebody's land and wealth and turn the pop. into slaves, always under the guise of the inevitability of progress, really the march of almighty money and its quest to enslave the world, what's in your wallet, hand me a Kleenex.

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