Clovis I of the Franks (466-511) St. Remigius of Reims (435-533)

TLW's Francescope™ (France Historyscope)

By T.L. Winslow (TLW), the Historyscoper™

© Copyright by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.

Original Pub. Date: June 27, 2017. Last Update: Aug. 7, 2019.

Nicolas Sarkozy of France (1955-) Francois Fillon of France (1954-)

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What Is A Historyscope?

Westerners are not only known as history ignoramuses, but double dumbass history ignoramuses when it comes to France's history. Since I'm the one-and-only Historyscoper (tm), let me quickly bring you up to speed before you dive into my Master Historyscope.

496 - Four to Five, Three-Leaf Clovis, Arpeggios Please? The Original French Connection? Christian France is born when a queen pussy-whips her hubby into it, and the pope finally gets a German king to go with the Three-Is-One Nicene Council Program? The reason that every 500 years hereafter the French get a bad case of MF?

Clovis I of the Franks (466-511) St. Remigius of Reims (435-533)

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The Germans just can't get along? In 496 C.E. 30-y.-o. Clovis (Louis) (Chlodwig) (Ludwig) (OG "renowned fighter") I (466-511), pagan king of the Germanic Franks fights the Germanic Alamanni (Alemanni) tribes of Alsace and N Switzerland at the Battle of Tolbiac (Zulpich) in Germany 24 mi. from Cologne, and is almost defeated but rallies and kills their last king and forces them to acknowledge Merovingian sovereignty; after Theodoric, who married Clovis' sister Albofleda intercedes, the Big As are allowed to retain some of their own institutions and manners, and continue living in his domain until 506; Quick, whip out the digital camera? after he either promises his orthodox Christian wife Clothilde that if he wins he will convert to her God, or resorts to invoking the Christian God when the battle is going wrong and is talked into it by Clothilde's confessor St. Remy (Rémy) (Remigius) of Reims (435-533), or is converted by St. Genevieve after she inspires the Parisians to resist him, 30-y.-o. Clovis I is converted to orthodox (Athanasian) (Three-Leaf-Clover) Christianity, then baptized by St. Remy in the Cathedral of Reims on Dec. 25 (after a holy vial is flown down by a white dove?) along with 3K of his subjects, followed by the entire Frankish nation, becoming the first Roman Catholic (orthodox Trinitarian) king of France, founding the Merovingian Dynasty (ends 751); St. Remy utters the baptismal formula: "Bow thy head humbly, Sicambrian, revere what thou hast burned, and burn what thou hast revered"; this all conveniently prevents the Arians, who had pretty much controlled the Gothic arm of the Roman army from finishing off the Athanasians and their priestly nerve center in Rome, the makings of yet another conspiracy theory, esp. when their alleged claims to be descendants of the Jewish Tribe of Benjamin are thrown in? - (Gibbon, Ch. 38) (messing up the French people for 1.5K years? Who did the pope pay off?); unfortunately, his understanding of Christianity is tainted by his savage paganism, and Clovis I comments on the Christ story that "Had I been present at the head of my valiant Franks, I would have revenged his [Christ's] injuries"; "For me, the history of France starts with Clovis, chosen as king of France by the tribe of the Franks, who gave their name to France" (Charles de Gaulle).

Charles IV the Fair of France (1294-1328)

On Jan. 2, 1322 king (since Nov. 20, 1316) Philip V the Tall (b. 1294) dies, leaving a large number of royal ordinances but (poetic justice considering how he got the throne?) no male heir (only daughters Jeanne, founder of the House of Burgundy, and Margaret, founder of the House of Flanders), and his younger brother Charles IV the Fair (1293-1328) becomes the 15th and last king of the French Capetian Dynasty (begun 987), cutting off Edward III of England (grandson of Philip IV through his daughter Isabelle) (no fair?), which finalizes the no-cu, er, no-female-inheritance principle of the Salic Law as recursive; he kicks his reign off right by expelling the pesky money-grubbing Jews from France, who had been expelled in 1306 by Philip IV then allowed to return in 1315; meanwhile the French crown controls the papacy, and the rulers of the Capetian house of Anjou are still seated on the thrones of Naples, Provence, and Hungary; only Brittany, Flanders, Guienne, and Burgundy remain outside French royal control - what's left is a world where old friends suddenly become enemies?

Nicolas Fouquet of France (1615-80) Jean-Baptiste Colbert (1619-83)

In Aug. 1661 French king Louis XIV is lavishly entertained at the magnificent chateau of Vaux-le-Victomte by his super-rich rival and supt. of finance (since 1653) (who had lent large sums to the treasury during the War of the Fronde) Nicolas Fouquet, Marquis de Belle-Isle, Vicomte de Melun et Vaux (1615-80), during which Moliere's "Les Facheux" debuts, after which Louis decides it's time to get rid of this wannabe Richelieu who can afford to buy anything, first getting him to sell his office of procureur gen., along with its protective privileges, then getting him arrested three weeks after the banquet by d'Artagnan of musketeer fame, then putting him through a 3-year stooge trial, where Louis' up-and-coming adviser Jean-Baptiste Colbert (1619-83) claims a royal revenue deficit of 22M francs, suppressing papers proving his innocence, and despite public sympathy he is convicted of embezzlement for borrowing Louis XIV's Hope Diamond for a state ball, and sentenced to life banishment, then life in Pignerol Prison - this beter work or i'm fouquet?

John Churchill, 1st Duke of Marlborough (1650-1722) French Marshal Camille d'Hostun de la Baume, Duc de Tallard (1652-1728) Sir John Vanbrugh (1664-1726) Blenheim Palace, 1705 Blenheim Spaniel

On Aug. 12-13, 1704 after British forces under John Churchill, 1st Duke of Marlborough (1650-1722) march toward the Danube River, meet up with Austrian forces under Prince Eugene of Savoy near Mandelsheim, and together march ulm in ulm to Ulm, they defeat the French under marshals Camille d'Hostun de la Baume, Duc de Tallard (1652-1728) and Ferdinand, Count of Marsin (1656-1706), and the Bavarians under elector Maximilian II Emanuel at the Battle of Blenheim (Second Battle of Hochstadt) (pr. BLEN-im) (corruption of Blindheim) N of Nuremberg on the Danube River in W Bavaria 23 mi. NW of Augsburg, with 4.5K British and Austrians KIA and 7.9K wounded vs. 20K French and Bavarians KIA or wounded and 14K taken POW; the French and Bavarians are beaten so badly that the French attack on Austria is broken, and French prestige suffers from the first pitched battle lost by French troops since who knows when; the giant Allied V ensures the safety of Vienna, preventing the collapse of the Grand Alliance, becoming a turning point in the War of the Spanish Succession; from now on French military domination of Europe begins to tank; Marlborough becomes a big hero back home, and Queen Anne promises to build him his own pretty little palace in Woodstock, Oxfordshire, called Blenheim Palace (1705-22), designed by Sir John Vanbrugh (1664-1726) and Nicholas Hawksmoor (1661-1736), becoming the only non-royal non-episcopal country house in England with the title of palace; too bad, political infighting leads to the duke of Marlborough's exile, damaging Vanbrugh's rep.; meanwhile Duke Victor Amadeus I of Savoy flip-flops, ditches France and joins Austria, pissing-off the French and causing them to send troops under Gen. Vendome to trash the Piedmont; the Rakoczy uprising in Hungary is robbed of its promised help by the French and Bavarians, causing him to mint new copper coins to replace silver coins as the economy collapses.

French Gen. Louis-Joseph, Marquis de Montcalm (1712-59)

On Aug. 9, 1757 French Gen. Louis-Joseph, Marquis de Montcalm (1712-59), CIC of French forces in North Am. captures Ft. William Henry on Lake George (Lac Sainte Sacrament) in Upstate N.Y., commanded by Irish-born Lt. Col. George Monro (1700-57) (while Monro's daughter Cora's loverboy Hawkeye is held in chains awaiting execution and Magua plans a bloodthirsty revenge on White-Hair?); the returning British soldiers are viciously ambushed and massacred by the Abenaki (Abnaki) (allies of the French), and the incident becomes notorious as a French violation of the internat. laws of war.

Joseph Michel Montgolfier (1740-1810) and Jacques Étienne Montgolfier (1745-99)

Do you know the way to Hot Air Bay? On June 4, 1783 the French papermaker Montgolfier Brothers incl. Joseph-Michel Montgolfier (1740-1810) and Jacques-Etienne (Étienne) Montgolfier (1745-99) of Annonay (near Lyons), France test their first small unmanned smoke-filled paper-lined linen hot air balloon, which rises to a height of 3K ft. at Annonay, France in a 10-min. 1-mi. flight; on Aug. 27 Parisian physicist Jacques Alexandre Cesar (César) Charles (1746-1823) launches a 13-ft.-dia. silk balloon (constructed under his supervision by A.J. and M.N. Robert) filled with hydrogen in Paris in front of 50K spectators; it floats at 3K ft. for more than 45 min. and lands in a village 16 mi. away, where the spooked villagers attack it with stones and knives; on Sept. 19 the Montgolfier Brothers conduct another demo in Versailles, witnessed by Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, where a duck, rooster, and sheep become the first living passengers, traveling 2 mi. in 8 min., with max. alt. of 1.5K ft, pissing-off the king with the dense smoke they deliberately generate in the belief that it's what causes the buoyancy, later learning that it's heat; on Oct. 15 French daredevil physician Jean Francois Pilatre de Rozier (1754-85) makes the first tethered balloon ascension, repeating the demo on Oct. 17 before a group of scientists, then reaching 324 ft. on Oct. 19; on Nov. 21 (2 p.m.) champagne-toting de Rozier and army officer Marquis Francois Laurent le Vieux d'Arlandes (1742-1809) make the first untethered human flight, reaching a peak alt. of 500 ft. and traveling 5.5 mi. in 25 min. from the Bois de Boulogne in Paris in the presence of Louis XVI and a huge crowd, across the Seine River to the Butte-aux-Cailles; the next day Benjamin Franklin et al. sign the official certification at Passy; on Nov. 31 Jacques Charles (financed by Franklin) flies in his hydrogen balloon, while gouty Franklin watches from his carriage near the Tuileries Gardens; balloon exhibition flights soon become the rage in Paris; when asked what was the practical use of these balloon thingies, Franklin replies "What is the use of a newborn baby?"; the power of a mere individual to go over the king's head and attract large crowds is a giant leap for popular democracy, making the French Rev. inevitable, and, combined with the success of the U.S., it coulda gone better if only they hadn't dabbled with the powder keg of godless atheism?

Cardinal Joseph Fesch (1763-1839)

I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh? On July 15, 1801 the Concordat of 1801 (announced on Easter Sunday, 1802), signed in Paris by Napoleon and Pope Pius VII reconciles the French Consulate with the Roman Catholic Church, and reestablishes and governs the relations of the French Church with Rome for the next cent., esp. by recognizing Protestantism (both Lutheran and Calvinistic), Judaism, and Roman Catholicism as established religions entitled to state support and subject to state control; the consul appoints bishops, subject to confirmation by the pope, and the bishops choose their own clergy, paid by the govt.; the pope continues to control the Papal States, except Ferrara, Bologna, and Romagna; priests in Belgium and other outlying regions form the Petite Eglise (Little Church) outside Courlay in Deux-Sevres to oppose it, functioning without a priest; Joseph Fesch (1763-1839), half-uncle of Napoleon I is made archbishop of Lyons for helping bring the concordat about, and cardinal next year.

French Adm. Pierre Charles de Villeneuve (1763-1806) British Adm. Horatio Nelson (1758-1805) British Adm. Sir Eliab Harvey (1758-1830) British Adm. Cuthbert Collingwood (1748-1810) William Nelson, 1st Earl Nelson (1757-1835)

Hands across the water, hands across the sky, or, Bloody Trick or Treat, What What? England gets its world-class naval hero? On Oct. 21, 1805 (Mon.) after the French fleet under vice-adm. Pierre Charles Jean Baptiste Silvestre de Villeneuve (1763-1806) breaks out of Toulon and eludes the British fleet under vice-adm. Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson, 1st Duke of Bronte (b. 1758), then takes refuge in Cadiz and receives reinforcements from the Spanish navy, bringing them up to 33 ships (vs. 27 for the British), and slowpoke Nelson catches up and blockades it, the French break out of the harbor again, beginning the naval Battle of (Cape) Trafalgar (Britain's greatest sea battle?) between Gibraltar and Cape Roche outside Cadiz, resulting in a decisive V for the British, dashing Napoleon's hopes of invading England and establishing British sea supremacy for the next 150 years; Adm. Nelson, aboard his flagship HMS Victory leads the charge that breaks through the center of the French line between Bucentaure and Redoubtable, capturing 10 French and 11 Spanish ships, with no British ships lost, and a total of 1,666 British casualties (458 KIA and 1,208 wounded) vs. 13,781 French-Spanish casualties, incl. 3K POWs drowned in a storm after the battle; Victory suffers 57 KIA and 102 wounded, with Redoutable attempting to board her but suffering a devastating broadside from the 98-gun HMS Temeraire, commanded by Adm. Sir Eliab Harvey (1758-1830), known for recklessly gambling his family fortune in London, who also forces the surrender of the Fougueux, causing him to create the family motto "Redoubtable and Fougueux"; Nelson signals the famous message "England expects that every man will do his duty", and is wounded several times by French sharpshooters before meeting his death as the battle ends from a musket ball from Redoubtable that enters his left shoulder and lodges in his spine, dying at 4:30 p.m. and giving a last order to anchor the fleet, which is countermanded by his 2nd in command vice-adm. of the blue Cuthbert Collingwood (1748-1810), who succeeds Nelson as CIC, transferring his flag from the damaged Royal Sovereign to the Euryalus, attempting to tow damaged vessels until a storm wrecks many prizes incl. Redoubtable on the rocky shore while others are destroyed to prevent capture, getting Collingwood a promotion on Nov. 9 to vice-adm. of the red along with a peerage as Baron Collingwood of Northumberland, along with a £2K/year pension and his 3rd gold medal from Parliament (joining Nelson and Sir Edward Berry); Victory is towed by HMS Neptune to Gibraltar for repairs, then flies a black sail on its return voyage to England; Villenueve is captured by the English, and returned to France next year; in Nov. Adm. Horatio Nelson's elder brother William Nelson (1757-1835) is created 1st Earl Nelson of Trafalgar; Portugal restores relations with its old ally Britain, causing France to declare the 1801 Treaty of Badajoz cancelled, leading to the 1807-10 Peninsular War.

On May 5, 1821 Napoleon Bonaparte (b. 1769) dies in exile on St. Helena Island, some say of arsenic poisoning, others of stomach cancer, like his daddy Carlo (1746-85); the last word on his lips is "Josephine"; his body is not released by the British to the French until May 25; he is buried under a weeping willow, and is later interred in a crypt at the Hotel des Invalides in Paris, his tomb decorated with 12 Personified Victories by Swiss-born French sculptor James (Jean-Jacques) Pradier (1790-1852); the city of New Orleans, La. proudly houses his death mask; the Memoirs of Napoleon Bonaparte become very popular in France and Europe; a postmortem by Australian surgeon Charles MacLaurin (1872-1925) finds that "his reproductive organs were small and apparently atrophied. He is said to have been impotent for some time before he died"; a priest obtains his 1 in. penis, and it turns up in 1971 at a Christie's auction in London, but there are no takers; in 1977 a U.S. urologist buys it for $3.8K - guess what I got, baby?

Nicolas Sarkozy of France (1955-) Francois Fillon of France (1954-)

On May 6, 2007 the pres. election in France sees conservative pro-Israel law and order interior minister Nicolas "Sarko the American" Sarkozy (Nicolas Paul Stéphane Sarközy de Nagy-Bocsa) (1955-) ("an American with a French passport") (son of a Protestant Hungarian immigrant and a half-Greek Jewish half-French Roman Catholic mother) of the center-right UMP defeat Socialist Segolene (Ségolène) Royal (1953-) by 53.1% to 46.9%, becoming pres. of France on May 16 (until May 15, 2012), pledging to break the old outmoded habits of France, incl. the 35-hour "absurd" workweek, and to stand up against tyranny, dictators, and Muslim oppression of women, then urges the U.S. to take the lead on fighting global warming; after Sarkozy signals that he will take a tougher line toward Russia, pres. Vladimir Putin fails to congratulate him on his win; meanwhile anti-Sarkozy protests are held in Paris and Marseille, comparing him to Mussolini and Hitler; on May 17 Francois Fillon (1954-) of the UMP is appointed by Sarkozy as PM of France (until May 10, 2012); on June 17 elections give the UMP a clear parliamentary majority, although it's no landslide V as voters fear giving him too much power. On Oct. 18 the biggest strike in 12 years cripples France's public transport system; the same day French pres. Nicolas Sarkozy announces his divorce from wife Cecilia Ciganer-Albéniz (1957-) after 11 years (1996), becoming a first for a French pres.

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