Clovis I of the Franks (466-511) St. Remigius of Reims (435-533)

TLW's Francescope™ (France Historyscope)

By T.L. Winslow (TLW), the Historyscoper™

© Copyright by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.

Original Pub. Date: June 27, 2017. Last Update: Aug. 25, 2017.

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What Is A Historyscope?

Westerners are not only known as history ignoramuses, but double dumbass history ignoramuses when it comes to France's history. Since I'm the one-and-only Historyscoper (tm), let me quickly bring you up to speed before you dive into my Master Historyscope.

496 - Four to Five, Three-Leaf Clovis, Arpeggios Please? The Original French Connection? Christian France is born when a queen pussy-whips her hubby into it, and the pope finally gets a German king to go with the Three-Is-One Nicene Council Program? The reason that every 500 years hereafter the French get a bad case of MF?

Clovis I of the Franks (466-511) St. Remigius of Reims (435-533)

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The Germans just can't get along? In 496 C.E. 30-y.-o. Clovis (Louis) (Chlodwig) (Ludwig) (OG "renowned fighter") I (466-511), pagan king of the Germanic Franks fights the Germanic Alamanni (Alemanni) tribes of Alsace and N Switzerland at the Battle of Tolbiac (Zulpich) in Germany 24 mi. from Cologne, and is almost defeated but rallies and kills their last king and forces them to acknowledge Merovingian sovereignty; after Theodoric, who married Clovis' sister Albofleda intercedes, the Big As are allowed to retain some of their own institutions and manners, and continue living in his domain until 506; Quick, whip out the digital camera? after he either promises his orthodox Christian wife Clothilde that if he wins he will convert to her God, or resorts to invoking the Christian God when the battle is going wrong and is talked into it by Clothilde's confessor St. Remy (Rémy) (Remigius) of Reims (435-533), or is converted by St. Genevieve after she inspires the Parisians to resist him, 30-y.-o. Clovis I is converted to orthodox (Athanasian) (Three-Leaf-Clover) Christianity, then baptized by St. Remy in the Cathedral of Reims on Dec. 25 (after a holy vial is flown down by a white dove?) along with 3K of his subjects, followed by the entire Frankish nation, becoming the first Roman Catholic (orthodox Trinitarian) king of France, founding the Merovingian Dynasty (ends 751); St. Remy utters the baptismal formula: "Bow thy head humbly, Sicambrian, revere what thou hast burned, and burn what thou hast revered"; this all conveniently prevents the Arians, who had pretty much controlled the Gothic arm of the Roman army from finishing off the Athanasians and their priestly nerve center in Rome, the makings of yet another conspiracy theory, esp. when their alleged claims to be descendants of the Jewish Tribe of Benjamin are thrown in? - (Gibbon, Ch. 38) (messing up the French people for 1.5K years? Who did the pope pay off?); unfortunately, his understanding of Christianity is tainted by his savage paganism, and Clovis I comments on the Christ story that "Had I been present at the head of my valiant Franks, I would have revenged his [Christ's] injuries"; "For me, the history of France starts with Clovis, chosen as king of France by the tribe of the Franks, who gave their name to France" (Charles de Gaulle).

French Adm. Pierre Charles de Villeneuve (1763-1806) British Adm. Horatio Nelson (1758-1805) British Adm. Sir Eliab Harvey (1758-1830) British Adm. Cuthbert Collingwood (1748-1810) William Nelson, 1st Earl Nelson (1757-1835)

Hands across the water, hands across the sky, or, Bloody Trick or Treat, What What? England gets its world-class naval hero? On Oct. 21, 1805 (Mon.) after the French fleet under vice-adm. Pierre Charles Jean Baptiste Silvestre de Villeneuve (1763-1806) breaks out of Toulon and eludes the British fleet under vice-adm. Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson, 1st Duke of Bronte (b. 1758), then takes refuge in Cadiz and receives reinforcements from the Spanish navy, bringing them up to 33 ships (vs. 27 for the British), and slowpoke Nelson catches up and blockades it, the French break out of the harbor again, beginning the naval Battle of (Cape) Trafalgar (Britain's greatest sea battle?) between Gibraltar and Cape Roche outside Cadiz, resulting in a decisive V for the British, dashing Napoleon's hopes of invading England and establishing British sea supremacy for the next 150 years; Adm. Nelson, aboard his flagship HMS Victory leads the charge that breaks through the center of the French line between Bucentaure and Redoubtable, capturing 10 French and 11 Spanish ships, with no British ships lost, and a total of 1,666 British casualties (458 KIA and 1,208 wounded) vs. 13,781 French-Spanish casualties, incl. 3K POWs drowned in a storm after the battle; Victory suffers 57 KIA and 102 wounded, with Redoutable attempting to board her but suffering a devastating broadside from the 98-gun HMS Temeraire, commanded by Adm. Sir Eliab Harvey (1758-1830), known for recklessly gambling his family fortune in London, who also forces the surrender of the Fougueux, causing him to create the family motto "Redoubtable and Fougueux"; Nelson signals the famous message "England expects that every man will do his duty", and is wounded several times by French sharpshooters before meeting his death as the battle ends from a musket ball from Redoubtable that enters his left shoulder and lodges in his spine, dying at 4:30 p.m. and giving a last order to anchor the fleet, which is countermanded by his 2nd in command vice-adm. of the blue Cuthbert Collingwood (1748-1810), who succeeds Nelson as CIC, transferring his flag from the damaged Royal Sovereign to the Euryalus, attempting to tow damaged vessels until a storm wrecks many prizes incl. Redoubtable on the rocky shore while others are destroyed to prevent capture, getting Collingwood a promotion on Nov. 9 to vice-adm. of the red along with a peerage as Baron Collingwood of Northumberland, along with a £2K/year pension and his 3rd gold medal from Parliament (joining Nelson and Sir Edward Berry); Victory is towed by HMS Neptune to Gibraltar for repairs, then flies a black sail on its return voyage to England; Villenueve is captured by the English, and returned to France next year; in Nov. Adm. Horatio Nelson's elder brother William Nelson (1757-1835) is created 1st Earl Nelson of Trafalgar; Portugal restores relations with its old ally Britain, causing France to declare the 1801 Treaty of Badajoz cancelled, leading to the 1807-10 Peninsular War.

On May 5, 1821 Napoleon Bonaparte (b. 1769) dies in exile on St. Helena Island, some say of arsenic poisoning, others of stomach cancer, like his daddy Carlo (1746-85); the last word on his lips is "Josephine"; his body is not released by the British to the French until May 25; he is buried under a weeping willow, and is later interred in a crypt at the Hotel des Invalides in Paris, his tomb decorated with 12 Personified Victories by Swiss-born French sculptor James (Jean-Jacques) Pradier (1790-1852); the city of New Orleans, La. proudly houses his death mask; the Memoirs of Napoleon Bonaparte become very popular in France and Europe; a postmortem by Australian surgeon Charles MacLaurin (1872-1925) finds that "his reproductive organs were small and apparently atrophied. He is said to have been impotent for some time before he died"; a priest obtains his 1 in. penis, and it turns up in 1971 at a Christie's auction in London, but there are no takers; in 1977 a U.S. urologist buys it for $3.8K - guess what I got, baby?

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