TLW's Jesusscope™ (Jesus Historyscope)
By T.L. Winslow (TLW), the Historyscoper™
© Copyright by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.
Original Pub. Date: Mar. 8, 2016. Last Update: Jan. 18, 2017.
Westerners are not only known as history ignoramuses, but double dumbass history ignoramuses when it comes to Jesus' history. Since I'm the one-and-only Historyscoper (tm), let me quickly bring you up to speed before you dive into my Master Historyscope.
Jesus Christ (Jesus of Nazareth) (-4 to 33) is the central figure of Christianity, and one of the greatest enigmas of all history. Let's use the power of historyscoping to see what light can be shed.
On Mar. 13, 4 B.C.E. Jewish rabble-rousers Judas and Mathias are burned alive for protesting the placement of the golden eagle at the entrance to the Jehovah-less Temple of Jerusalem.
On Apr. 7, 4 B.C.E. Jewish proxy king of the Roman-occupied Holy Land (since -39) Herod I the Great (b. -73) has his eldest son Antipater (b. -45) (son of Doris) executed (3rd son he kills) after Augustus refuses to intervene, then dies five days later on Shebat 2 (Apr. 12) in Jericho after suffering "an intolerable itching of the whole skin, continuous pains in the intestines, tumors in the feet as in dropsy, inflammation of the abdomen and gangrene of the private parts, engendering worms, in addition to asthma, with great difficulty in breathing, and convulsions in all his limbs" (Josephus), and is buried in his fortified winter palace and mausoleum in Herodium 7 mi. S of Jerusalem (near modern-day Zatara); his Roman-educated sons wait in the wings while he orders the leaders of the Jewish nation burned alive in the Hippodrome in Jericho on his death so that the Jews will weep at his own funeral (Herod's sister Salome and her husband Alexas get the order countermanded?); his penultimate will names Antipas as his heir, but shortly before his death he makes a final will naming Archelaus (Matthew 2:22), causing Augustus to constitute him an ethnarch and divide the territory, with half going to Archelaus and half to be split by Antipas and Philip; Herod Archelaus (b. -23) becomes ethnarch of Samaria, Judea and Idumea (deposed in 6 C.E.); Herod Antipas (b. -21) becomes tetrarch of Galilee (home of Jesus Christ) and Perea (E bank of the Jordan) (home of John the Baptist) (deposed in 38 C.E.); Herod Philip (-20 to 34) becomes tetrarch (ruler of a fourth) of modern-day SW Syria and the Golan Heights (Gaulanitis, Batanea, Trachonitis, Autanitis, portions of Iturea and Hulitis) (all largely non-Jewish); Herod's sister Salome I (-65 to -10) is given control of Phaselis, Yavneh (Jamnia), and Ashdod (Azotus); daddy's favorite Archelaus immediately proves to be a good choice for him as he orders 3K Jews killed on Easter for trying to get him to rehabilitate Judas and Mathias.
In 4 B.C.E. Judean Jewish prophet (of voice crying in the wilderness eating locust and honey fame) (St.) John the Baptist (Baptizer) (d. 32 C.E.) is born; according to the Gospels he is born 6 mo. before Jesus - so what's this I hear about you're fall and I'm spring? In 4 B.C.E. Judean Christian Messiah Jesus Christ of Nazareth (Joshua or Yehoshuah bar Joseph) (d. 33) is born in Bethlehem; son of the Virgin Mary and Joseph (a carpenter or stoneworker), both of the House of David; don't ask about the In-Vitro Fertilization Technique used?; the official Roman Catholic Church position is Dec. 25, although the shepherds are in the fields with the flocks at the time, and hence it would more likely be spring or summer, which might make John the Baptist the real Dec. baby?
On Mar. 25, 29 C.E. (under the consulship of the two Gemini) Jesus Christ is crucified, according to Tertullian (160-230) in Adversus Judaeos, Ch. 8; he confused the start of his 3-year ministry with the end? In spring 29 (15th year of the reign of Tiberius Caesar) (Luke 3:1-3) the ministry of (St.) John the Baptist (Baptiser) (-4 to 31) begins in the wilderness of Jordan (Matt. 3:1-12; Mark 1:1-8, Luke 3:1-18, John 1:6-28), and in the fall Jesus (Jehoshua) of Nazareth (-2 to 33) is baptized by him in the Jordan River, making him Jesus Christ (Gr. "anointed"), and launching his ministry as the Jewish Messiah (Heb. "anointed") (Matt. 3:13-17, Mark 1:9-11, Luke 3:21-38, John 1:32-34); Jesus goes solo into the Judean wilderness to fast and resist the temptations of Satan, who owns all world govts. (Matt. 4:1-11, Mark 1:12-13, Luke 4:1-13), then makes his first disciples in the Upper Jordan Valley (John 1:35-51); meanwhie John testifies concerning Jesus in Bethany beyond Jordan (John 1:15; 29-34); Jesus performs his first miracle (turns water into wine) at a Wedding Feast in Cana of Galilee (his own?), then visits Capernaum (John 2:1-12).
30-40 Sorry, historyscopers, but? --it happens in the Roman province of Judea; nobody knows for sure, and it depends on whom you want to believe; a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma, the greatest coverup in history; the Great Track of Time enters not only a Dark Alley but a Black Hole, becoming an endless source of powerful fiction claiming to be fact, with the dividing line very hazy until centuries later - oh my gosh, I smell an Emmy? While visiting the Jewish Temple in Jerusalem, Jesus made a point of attacking the moneychangers (Mt. 21:12, Mk. 11:15, John 2:14-15), I wonder why?
Way back when, nobody knows, a bunch of Roman pagans got infected with monotheism, and the most bookish kind, Judaism, and despite the Jews claiming to be the Chosen People, with pagans not invited, they managed to morph exclusivist Judaism into a new one-size-fits-all version by literally twisting the Jewish Bible inside out and claiming to discover that it was there all along, but needed a prophet to reveal it to them, whose life only they can tell us about, since nobody but believers documented it, a strange wonderful brew of historical facts and unverifiable miracles.
The net result was a new religion called Christinsanity, er, Christianity, whose Aramaic-speaking Jewish founder Jesus Christ (-4 to 33) left no writings, works of art, statues, buildings, swords, armor, bling, portraits, descendants, or even newspaper accounts, worse, no body, because he was allegedly resurrected from the dead by God on Easter, visiting his believers for 40 days before being translated to Heaven, and now sits at God's right hand waiting to return and judge the world and everybody who ever lived, leaving it to his 12 Apostles to spread the word that he wasn't just a man but the Son of God, whatever that means, most followers apparently taking him for God himself, despite the intractable philosophical difficulties that rocked the Church for centuries.
Okay, he is God, who loved the world so much he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him won't perish but have eternal life (John 3:16), that is, as a man Jesus came to try to tell people that one day God will end the world, and that as God he himself judge everybody who ever lived, giving them either eternal death slash punishment, or eternal life slash joy, based on whether they ever sinned. Of course, everybody Jesus met already was covered in sin and deserved eternal death, but he promised them that if they truly repented their sins, died to the world and its sins and got born again as a child of God, then got baptized to symbolize their transformation, and sinned no more, when the Day of Judgment came he would suspend their sentence for their prior sins and admit them to eternal life, else he wouldn't, case closed, next case (1 John Ch. 3). As he went preaching, his number one message was sin no more, sin no more, read my lips, sin no more (John 5:14, 8:11).
So the original message was very direct and simple: repent your sins, and sin no more, and run the good race hoping for the crown of eternal life, no matter how much the Devil tempts you to sin or the world persecutes you, lions in the arena, no problemo. Oh yes, you get sent the Holy Spirit or Holy Ghost, which will put a shield around you so that the Devil can never make you sin, only tempt you, yes, you can go your while life without lying, coveting, committing adultery even with the eyes, and following after other gods, every possible sin worthy of death is covered in the Ten Commandments, one part of the Bible that's pure legalese and easy to translate. But you'll have to give up the world and its lures, because one day God will burn up the world and all its works (2 Peter 3:10), including history itself, and create a new heavens and a new earth, where only the worthy may reside (Is. 65:17).
To become a Christian ("little Christ") and live with Christ forever in his Kingdom of Heaven, believers must take everything about him on faith, which is good since they don't have to learn Aramaic or any history other than that in the Hebrew-Aramaic Old Testament and the Greek New Testament, consisting of the Four Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) and the Acts of the Apostles, and no theology other than that in the Epistles of Paul, Epistles of Peter, Epistle of James, Epistle of Jude, and Epistles of John, or any eschatology other than that in the Book of Revelation (Apocalypse), then undergo Baptism, never mind if it's totally incomprehensible. According to the New Testament, there's no need to study theology and wow Judge Christ by passing a final exam, because all you need to do is sincerely repent your sins (as defined by the Ten Commandments) and quit sinning, keep it simple stupid. But it's also bad, since it's all too easy to take Christ as a fable that was created just to support a fat and wealthy clergy class, it's doesn't take a Karl Marx. In practice, there were soon many backsliders who fell away and went back to a life of sin, and apostates who denied their faith under persecution, and the Bible was quick to tell them that if they blasphemed the Holy Spirit that was sent them when they got baptized and which protected them so that the Devil could never make them sin, and began sinning again, making them into children of the Devil, there would be no chance for a second repentance, because that would be to ask Christ to be crucified a second time, putting him to "open shame" (Mk. 3:29, Heb. 6:4-6).
This all pushed believers' hot buttons in the first century, the second century, even the third, but eventually the church developed a hierarchy, and the bishops at the top got to thinking that maybe Christ would never come back to judge the world because he was indeed a beautiful fable just designed to give them a good living off the baptized suckers, and began modifying the original formula into what's been common ever since, namely, the Devil's Religion: just join the church, let it save and baptize you, then keep paying it tithes, and you can go on sinning all your life because you are "saved" and have a pass. Of course, the Devil wants all his worshipers to believe they are saved FROM the Last Day and the Judgment Seat, and get instant transportation straight to paradise, and if you're aren't ready yet to worship him in all his evil Satanic glory, he can easily appear as an angel of light to make you feel good about it (2 Cor. 11:14), ask Muhammad and Joseph Smith, or any pope.
Sorry, but the whole point of the New Testament was to show that Christ came the first time as a savior, but will come a second time as a judge, and his forgiveness is dependent on conditions, namely, repent of your sins and sin no more, it's like a bankruptcy that gives you a clean start, you can only do it once, what do you think the judge has on his forehead, the word Dumbass. If it's not a fable then you have a summons and court date, and when you face Judge Christ naked and alone clothed with sin, sorry, he already walked a mile in your shoes and lived a far more difficult life without sinning, so he will tell you to go with your father the Devil to the Lake of Fire, where you will suffer eternally in the knowledge of being cut off from God forever. Your precious world you sold out to is burned up, there isn't even any air to breathe or ground to walk on, much less pot to piss in, and Christ's court is the ultimate Supreme Court, because he is God himself, and it'll all be done in the twinkling of an eye and there is no appeal and instant satisfaction of judgment by his bailiffs the angels, it's a Roman type court where the judge is prosecutor and defense attorney at the same time, you get perfect due process, fuck the ACLU it went to you know where.
That's the beautiful story, fable or fact, we can't know until the Last Day, if there is one. The reality of the Roman Catholic Church, of course, as we shall see, was that it was taken over by the Devil, who twisted it all to the nth degree, making the bishop of Rome the pope, who has the keys of Heaven and Hell in his hands, and can alone save you as long as you kiss his hand and other body parts, voila, the Church of the Devil that has attempted to rule the world forever. To make up for the fact that you never stop sinning, they developed the Mass where Christ is crucified for you fresh, and you eat his body and drink his blood to order like a fast food meal. One of the first big signs of its corruption was their readmittance of apostates after each persecution ended, apostates who pay their tithes that is, that's why they call it the Catholic Church, Catholic means everybody is in, as well as all their sins, they're all in, along with all their filthy lucre, bwahaha, the Devil is insuring that when the real Day of Judgment arrives nobody will be saved because Christ will decide they're all his children not sons of God. Of course the Church bet on Christ never coming back, and it's been 20 centuries, no wonder it is the richest and most corrupt outfit in the world, thanks for the memories. As for the Protestants, they started by breaking off from the Church when its corruption went over the top, but they all kept the Devil's religion of claiming their churches save people, and/or that they can go on sinning and remain saved as long as they pay their tithes, in other words, they serve Mammon rather than God and are all sellouts (Mt. 6:24). The Bible says you can be born again, but it doesn't allow you to go around saying you've been saved, since only at the Last Day will Judge Christ decide that, thus by going around claiming you're saved you're sinning by lying and taking the Lord's name in vain, and insuring you won't be, pass the popcorn.
Speaking of persecution, from the start the Jewish priests hated this blasphemous Jewish sect, which according to the Gospels made them plot to get Jesus (but stangely not his disciples) arrested and crucified by the Romans for sedition, and the tolerant polytheist pagan Romans finally had enough of them too when they refused to worship the Roman emperor as a god like every other good citizen, labeling them as atheists and traitors, and forcing the cult underground, where they mainly recruited slaves but eventually penetrated the upper classes. The spectacle of Christians being fed to wild beasts in the arena while filled with joy at the prospect of being with Christ was a powerful recruiting tool, ask Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow why he paints John 3:16 on his face. Too bad, the early personalities and their organization are shrouded in mystery, leaving us mainly with the New Testament, and the takeover of the Roman Empire in the 4th cent. by the monomaniacal intolerant Roman Catholic Church gave them the opportunity to destroy, alter, or manufacture historical records, so it's one of the greatest coverups in history and we can only hope for glimmers of light and cast theories about what really happened, sorry.
Talk about coverup, the disturbing parallels between Christianity and pagan Sun worship make many suspect that Christ was a fictional figure pasted together by brainy Jews based in some library in Alexandria or Babylon out of twisted Old Testament texts foretelling the Jewish Messiah, who was supposed to conquer the world and make everybody love Jews, but obviously hasn't shown up yet, unless it was him, get it? Why would Jews conspire to foist a fictional religious founder on the pagan Roman Empire? Answer: Jews don't get mad, they get even, and this time it was for destroying Jerusalem along with its Temple and priesthood in 70 C.E. and causing the Jewish Diaspora. If that was their goal, they achieved it in spades, turning the mean cruel blood-loving superior united pagan Romans into guilt-ridden ever-schisming ever-backsliding Bible-thumping Christian whimps who were easy meat for the hordes of barbarians, tanking the once all-powerful Roman Empire in 476, and giving the wandering Jews a chance to return and restore the Jewish nation of Israel based in Jerusalem, complete with Temple and priesthood, maybe king, ask Mel Gibson about it when you catch him drunk.
Too bad, it's hard to imagine how these fiction authors could palm their writings off and get enough believers to fill a donkey cart, unless they posed as believers and made a career of it, risking persecution, which doesn't compute. Also too bad, there seems to have been a community of Christians before the writings even came out. Also too bad, by 476 the Roman Empire had split into two halves, and the Eastern Roman Empire that controlled Israel stood strong, keeping the Jews out like always. Also too bad, despite displaying a deep knowledge of the Old Testament, the New Testament doesn't read like it was written by Jews, treating them as an alien race who brought their troubles on themselves by rejecting you know who, although he was also a Jew and Christians must worship him as their Savior, what pretzel logic. No surprise, belief in Jesus Christ and respect for the Jewish Old Testament like he had didn't make former pagan Roman Christians automatically love Jews, but backfired, turning many into rabid anti-Semites, some even claiming to be the real "spiritual Jews", with the Roman Catholic and Greek Orthodox Churches both worked to keep the Jews from returning to Israel unless/until they accepted Christ, guess why the Muslim Quran displays a deep knowledge of the Old Testament and Talmud, the pretzel the pretzel the pretzel is twisty, and Christians are the salt of the Earth.
Either way, the Old Testament started it all, and the Jewish Messiah's Mission: Impossible isn't done yet, which Christians explain away as the need for the Jews to finally accept Christ before he returns to judge the world, although in the Jews' thinking that would make them into blasphemers who would face damnation by God. Yet now after 2K years, if Jesus wasn't the Messiah, why do Jews still believe in one, those stiff-necked losers? After the WWII Holocaust, why do any Jews still believe in God anyway, it was mainly atheist Jews who restored the state of Israel in 1948 after chucking the Old Testament? And after 2K years of Christ never returning as promised, how can a Christian still believe in this deadbeat dad, the umpteenth recycling of the Book of Revelation and photos of the Shroud of Turin? Oh yes, they talk to Him all the time, and that's all they need.
On top of all that, Christendom schismed a thousand ways to Sunday over the centuries, and got convolved with the government and its police and military power, getting mixed up with injustices and atrocities that stunk it up, maybe one of the sects is the true one, if Christ returns he'll tell us. The bottom line is that it takes a big brain just to attempt to straighten it all out.
30 On Apr. 7 (Fri.) Jesus Christ is crucified in Jerusalem, according to La. State U. astronomer Bradley E. Schaefer. Shammai the Elder founds a Torah school which often disagrees with Hillel's. Philip the Tetrarch marries his niece Salome (fresh from the John the Baptist boondoggle?); they go childless. This is how life should be? Jesus goes to Jerusalem for the Passover celebration, and drives the money changers (traders) from the Temple (John 2:13-25), then has discussions with Nicodemus (John 3:1-21); Jesus and his disciples begin baptizing in Judea, while John is baptizing in Aenon near Salim, telling his followers how spiff Jesus is (he's from the earth, Jesus is from heaven, etc.) (John 3:22-36); John is imprisoned in Tiberias, and Jesus splits for Galilee (Matt. 4:12; 14:3-5; Mark 1:14; 6:17-20; Luke 4:14), teaching Samaritans at Sychar en route (John 4:4-43); at Galilee he announces, "The kingdom of the heavens has drawn near" (Matt. 4:17; Mark 1:14-15; Luke 4:14-15; John 4:44-45), then heals a boy at Nazareth, reads his commission at Cana, is rejected and goes to Capernaum (Matt. 4:13-16; Luke 4:16-31; John 4:46-54), where he recruits fishermen Simon Peter, AKA St. Peter (-1 to 67), James and John near Capernaum at the Sea of Galilee (Matt. 4:18-22; Mark 1:16-20; Luke 5:1-11); he then heals a demoniac, Peter's mother-in-law, et al. in Capernaum (Matt. 8:14-17, Mark 1:21-34; Luke 4:31-41), then makes his first tour of Galilee with his four disciples (Matt. 4:23-25; Mark 1:35-39; Luke 4:42-43), heals a leper in the light in Galilee, causing multitudes to flock to him (Matt. 8:1-4; Mark 1:40-45; Luke 5:12-16), then heals a paralytic at Capernaum (Matt. 9:1-8; Mark 2:1-12; Luke 5:17-26), recruits Matthew and feasts with tax collectors (Matt. 9:9-1; Mark 2:13-22; Luke 5:27-39; 4:44); he goes to Judea and preaches in the synagogues (Luke 4:44). I doubled the points, so I guess I'm going to have to triple them now? After at least a year of activity, John the Baptist (b. -4) is arrested for preaching against the adulterous marriage of Herod Antipas to his brother Philip's wife Herodias (Mark 6:17-20, Luke 3:19-20), and is imprisoned in the fortress of Machaerus on the border between Perea and Nabatea. Pontius Pilate issues a bronze coin that some believe is the "widow's mite" mentioned in the New Testament (Mark 12:41-44).
31 In the spring Jesus Christ is crucified, according to St. Maximus the Confessor (580-662), Cassiodorus Senator (479-585), and Eusebius Pamphili of Caesarea (263-339). On Oct. 18 after Praetorian prefect Lucius Aelius Sejanus (b. -23) becomes a senator and top dog in Rome, then gets too uppity and conspires unsuccessfully to eliminate heir apparent Caligula, causing Tiberius to get fed up with him and engineer his arrest, he is executed, beginning a bloody 2-year purge all over the Roman Empire; Quintus Naevius Cordus Sutorius Macro (-21 to 38) becomes Praetorian prefect (until 38); the fact that Pilate was an apointee of Sejanus and fearful of being purged if anybody reports anything about him to Rome explains why he can be cowed by the Jewish mob into killing Christ? Busy Jesus Christ attends the Passover feast in Jerusalem (John 5:1-47), heals a man and rebukes the pesky Pharisees, plucks ears of grain on the Sabbath on his way back to Galilee (Matt. 12:9-21, Mk. 3:1-12, Luke 6:5-11), choses his 12 apostles on a mountain near Capernaum (Mark 3:13-19, Luke 6:12-16), give the Sermon on the Mount near Capernaum (Mt. 5:1-7:29, Luke 6:17-49), heals the servant of a Roman army officer (Mt. 8:5-13, Luke 7:1-10), raises the son of a widow in Nain (Luke 7:11-17), and meets with disciples sent by John the Baptist from prison (Matt. 11:2-19, Luke 7:18-35); in Galilee his feet are anointed by women (Luke 7:36-50), after which he goes on his 2nd preaching tour of Galilee with the Twelve Luke 8:1-3), healing a demoniac in league with Beelzebub (Matt. 12:22-37, Mk. 3:19-30), after which the scribes and Pharisees come to him seeking a sign (Matt. 12:38-45); he then stops a windstorm while crossing the Sea of Galilee (Matt. 8:18, 23-27, Mk. 4:35-41, Luke 8:22-25), heals more demoniacs in Gadara SEA of the Sea of Galilee (Matt. 8:28-34, Mk. 5:1-20, Luke 8:26-39), and raises the daughter of Jaurus from the dead near Capernaum (Matt. 9:18-26, Mk. 5:21-42, Luke 8:40-56); not done yet, he heals two blind men and a mute (Matt. 9:27-34), returns to Nazareth only to be rejected (Matt. 13:54-58, Mk. 6:1-6), then makes his 3rd tour of Galilee, sending out apostles on the side (Matt. 9:35-11:1, Mk. 6:6-13, Luke 9:1-6); meanwhile in prison John the Baptist (b. -4) hears about the miracles of his greatest baptisee, check-into-cash Jesus, and sends two disciples to ask him "Are you the Coming One, or are we to expect another?" (Mt. 11:2-6; Luke 7:18-23); Jesus wows them with more miracles, and returns the favor by calling John the prophet predicted in Malachi 3:1 and 4:5-6 (Mt. 11:7-10; Luke 1:67,76; 7:24-27), but lets a little air out of him by saying "a person that is a lesser one in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he is" (Mt. 11:11-15; 17:10-13; Luke 7:28-30); John is executed by Herod Antipas after his wife Herodias' daughter Salome (14-71) does an exotic dance at his birthday party and gets to name a gift, and she asks for John the Baptist's head on a platter (Mt. 14:1-12; Mark 6:21-29); Herod Antipas then hears about Jesus and freaks, thinking he's John the Baptist raised from the dead (Mt. 14:1-2; Mark 6:14-16; Luke 9:7-9).
There is a gen. terror in Rome, causing price riots; mass treason trials of Sejanus' supporters are held.
Jesus Christ is really revved up now, and after his apostles return from their preaching tour around Passover he miraculously feeds 5K
near the Sea of Galilee (Matt. 14:13-21, Mk. 6:30-44, Luke 9:10-17, John 6:1-13), refuses an attempt to crown him, walks on the sea,
cures many (Matt. 14:22-36, Mk. 6:45-56, John 6:14-21), then steps on it by seeming to preach holy cannibalism ("bread of life", etc.),
causing many to abandon him (John 6:22-71); he then heads to the coast, visiting Tyre, Sidon and Decapolis, where
he feeds another 4K (Matt. 15:21-38, Mk. 7:24-8:9), deals with more pesky Sadduccees and Pharisees at
Magadan (Matt. 15:39-16:4, Mt. 8:10-12), warns against the "leaven of the Pharisees" (Matt. 16:5-12, Mk. 8:13-26),
foretells his own death and resurrection at Caesarea Philippi (Matt. 16:13-28, Mk. 8:27-9:1, Luke 9:18-27),
transfigures before Peter, James and John on Mt. Hermon (Matt. 17:1-13, Mk. 9:2-13, Luke 9:28-36), heals another
demoniac in Caesarea Philippi after giving his disciples a crack (Matt. 17:14-20, Mk. 9:14-29, Luke 9:37-43),
foretells his death and resurrection again in Galilee (Matt. 17:22-23, Mk. 9:30-32, Luke 9:43-45), miraculously
produces money for taxes (Matt. 17:24-27) and straightens his disciples out about who will be the greatest in his
kingdom (Matt. 18:1-35, Mk. 9:33-50, Luke 9:46-50), then heads for Jerusalem for the Festival of Booths
(Matt. 8:19-22, Luke 9:51-62, John 7:2-10), but avoids public preaching, returning to Judea and sending the
Seventy to preach (Luke 10:1-24); he then visits the home of Martha in Bethany (Luke 10:25-42), denounces
the hypocrisy of the Pharisees (Luke 11:37-54), heals a crippled woman on the Sabbath (Luke 13:1-21), and
returns to Jerusalem for the Festival of Dedication (John 10:1-39).
33 - The Year of Man and Mama Mia? The Since U Been Gone, I Can Breathe for the First Time Year? The Big Year of Years for Christians, when the Original Mission: Impossible is completed with the execution and resurrection of Jesus Christ, saving the human race from sin, after which the Great Hourglass of Time is set running to await his return to judge da World? And it just happens to be half of sixty-six, plus minus 6.66 or 3.33?
33 On Apr. 3 (Fri.) (3:00 p.m.) there is a lunar eclipse; astronomers Colin J. Humphreys and W.G. Waddington claim that Jesus Christ was crucified on this day - could it be, no? Liar, Lunatic or Lord? The entire future of the Western and half of the Eastern world is changed by what allegedly happens to one man in a backwater of the Roman empire about this time? This job's a dead end; you can do better girlfriend? Jesus Christ starts the year E of the Jordan River (John 10:40-42), preaching in Perea and other cities on a slow walk toward Jerusalem, stopping in Bethany to raise Lazarus from the dead (John 11:1-46), then after skirting Jerusalem he goes through Samaria, back through Perea, where he foretells his death and resurrection for a 3rd time (Matt. 20:17-19, Mk. 10:32-34, Luke 18:31-34), passes through Jericho, healing two blind men, then visits Zacchaeus (Matt. 20:29-34, Mt. 10:46-52, Luke 18:35-19:28); six days before Passover he arrives in Bethany (John 11:55-12:1), has a feast at the house of Simon the Leper, is annointed by Mary of Bethany (Matt. 26:6-13, Mt. 14:3-9, John 12:2-11), then on Nisan 9 (Palm Sunday) finally makes his Triumphal Entry into Jerusalem (Matt. 21:1-11, 14-17; Mk. 11:1-11, Luke 19:29-44, John 12:12-19), cursing a barren fig tree on Nisan 10 (Matt. 21:18-19, Mk. 11:12-17, Luke 19:45-46); on Nisan 11 the barren fig tree is found withered (Matt. 21:19-22, Mk. 11:20-25), and he has fun in the Temple of Jerusalem, overturning the moneychanger's tables, then retreating to the Mount of Olives; on Nisan 12 the Jewish leaders plot his death, and cut a deal with traitor disciple Judas (Yehuda) Iscariot, the one who keeps the money bag; on Nisan 13 (Thur.) after praying in the Garden of Gethsemane (Aramaic "olive oil press") at the foot of the Mount of Olives, where "his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground" (Luke 22:43-4), Jesus of Nazareth (Christ) (b. -7 to -2?) (clean shaven or bearded?) (single or married?) (does he or doesn't he?) (swings both ways or what?) is betrayed with a kiss by his disciple Judas Iscariot for 30 pieces of silver (the kiss is to tell him apart from disciple James the Lesser, brother of Matthew, who allegedly looks a lot like Jesus but isn't as good a kisser?), and taken to the Jewish high priests, who can't stand his blasphemous jive honky mouth and spit on him and slap the faker, then hand him over the Romans, talking Pontius Pilate into having him flagrantly scourged with flagrums (flagri) (2-3 thongs with bell-shaped thingies to cause pain?); then noting that Tiberius extended the law of laesa majestas (injured majesty) to include mere libelous words against the emperor under the definition of sedition, Pontius Pilate legally orders his execution (John 19:12-16), and he is crucified on a cross (hung on a stake?) at Cavalry Hill (Golgotha) (Lat. "calvariae locus" = Gr. "kranion topos" = Aramaic "Golgotha" = "place of the skull") outside Jerusalem on Passover, Nisan 14 (Fri.), where he gives up the ghost about 3 p.m. as the sky grows dark?; last words (KJV): "It is finished" (Gr. "Tetelestoi") (John 19:30); "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" (Matt. 27:46, Mark 15:34); "Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit" (Luke 23:46); wealthy Jew (metals trade, dealing with Cornwall in Britain?) and secret Christian (member of the Sanhedrin) Joseph of Arimathea (owner of the Garden of Gethsemane?) requests his body from Pilate and places it in his own newly-dug tomb (Matt. 27:57-60), although by Roman law crucified criminals can't be buried but are to be left hanging for the birds and beasts to feast on; too bad (too good?), early on the morning of Nisan 16 (Sun.) his tomb is found empty, and his true believers begin seeing things, claiming to see him appear and disappear, not only to them, to everybody, since he immediately proceeds to give the absolute proof that he's the Son of God and that his conviction by human courts was overturned by the Supreme Court of Heaven to silence all skeptics by making his second triumphal entry into Jerusalem in front of multitudes, where he walks up to Pilate and kisses him on the pucker, er, he skips that and leaves the 3-D holographic Burial Shroud of Christ, which becomes hard to prove exists for the next millennium or more, but wows scientists in the 20th cent.?; meanwhile after Jesus II kind of sneaks around and only visits his own for awhile (if only he had gone back to Big J, imagine the high priest's face, er, maybe it's all a test for them stiff-necked Jews, who would have just sent him back to the Cross again and again and again, shut your mouth?), he gives his disciples the Great Commission (Mt. 28:18-20), then decides a wife and kids ain't worth it and retires from the flesh biz without having to be bitch-slapped and crooseefied again, and disappears into the sky on the 40th day of his new life (Ziv or Iyyar 25) at the Mount of Olives (Olivet) near Bethany (2 mi. ESE of Jerusalem) (home of his friend Lazarus and his sisters Martha and Mary) (Acts 1:9-12); meanwhile, wasting no time, the first crop of 120 Christians (Gk. "little Christs") and Jewish proselytes (from around the Roman empire?) gather in Jerusalem on Pentecost (Festival of Harvest) (Festival of Weeks) (Day of the First Ripe Fruits), 50 days after the Passover (Sivan 6), where they receive the "Holy Spirit", speak in tongues and launch the World Religion of Christi[ns]anity (Acts 1:13-15), the belief that he rose from da dead and only his shed blood is truly lifesaving, plus plus plus take a bath and sign right here and you're saved, don't ask for a corpse or a skeleton he flew the coop and is looking back at ya from Heaven (thank god, I'm so sick of New York?); meanwhile true-moneygrubbing-Jew traitor apostle Judas Iscariot buys the Aceldama (Akeldama) (Aramaic "hagel dema" = field of blood) (Matt. 27:7) S of Jerusalem with his 30 pieces of silver (which he returns?), then does a swan dive, "falling headlong, burst open in the middle and all his bowels gushed out" - Acts 1:18); seven qualified men are appointed as food distributors for the Christian Jewish congregation, the only non-Jew being Nicolaus of Antioch (Acts 6:1-6); the 11 remaining original apostles go out and preach the good news, and all are martyred (Stephen is stoned, Matthew is slain in Ethiopia, Mark is dragged through the streets until dead, Luke is hanged, Peter and Simeon are crucified, Andrew is crucified, Philip is crucified and stoned, James is beheaded, Barholomew is flayed alive, Thomas is pierced with lances, James the Less is thrown from the Temple of Jerusalem and beaten to death, Jude is shot to death with arrows, Matthias is stoned to death, Paul is beheaded) except John, who ends up in W Asia Minor and outlives the rest, reaching 100?; Peter goes to Gaul (Chartres), Britain (Cornhill), and Rome?; Matthew goes to Ethiopia and resides with an official converted by Philip?; Philip acompanies Lazarus, Mary Magdalene, Joseph of Arimathea et al. on a preaching mission to Gaul, with Lazarus and Mary remaining in Marseille, after which Philip sends Joseph of Arimathea with 12 disciples to Christianize Britain, founding a monastery at Glastonbury, and bringing the Holy Grail with him?; Matthias (one of the Seventy) goes to Armenia?; Jude Thaddaeus goes to Edessa and cures King Abigar with the Shroud (Mandylion)?; Simon and Jude go to Mesopotamia?; Andrew goes to Byzantium?; red-haired Mary Magdalene (of Magdala), Christ's wife, carrying his child and meant to run her hubby church is overthrown in a coup led by woman-hating, er, Peter, and flees to France with her red-haired daughter Sarah, carrying the sang real, the royal blood of Christ, and spawning the legend of the San Greal, or Holy Grail (Sang Real, or Royal Blood)? ("Witness the greatest coverup in history" - Dan Brown?) - ready or not, there I go? Jehovah prepares to quit sticking with the home team despite his long-time partiality, divorce his wife the Chosen People, take away their driver's licenses, make the mean nasty Romans destroy his former temple and priesthood, and get them dispersed out of their former land of milk and honey, where they will be forced to fend for themselves in a sea of goyim, but not right away, giving them 40 years to repent for what they did to his only begotten Son? The Jewish Temple will then no longer be needed, as the body of each believer is a temple, and the only sacrifice needed is the blood of the Lamb, sorry rabbi, kicks are for Trids? Yes, as a just God he must give them the customary 40, but funny how the first Gospels spring up after the Temple is destroyed, forever giving skeptics a platform to claim that Jeezy was all made-up afterwards when all the possible witnesses is kaput, and all the mean persecuting Jews iz taken care of, like magic, er, that would make it true, check back in 2,000+ years?
34 On Apr. 23 (Fri.) (St. George's Day) Jesus Christ is crucified, according to English big brain scientist Sir Isaac Newton (1643-1727). Herod I the Great's son Philip the Tetrarch dies childless, and Tiberius orders his realms to be added to the province of Syria. Jesus Christ spends the next 16 years traveling with his mother Mary through Turkey, Persia, and W Europe (England?), finally settling in Kashmir, where he teaches and becomes a revered saint, dying at age 121 and buried in a tomb, according to Mirza Ghulami Ahmad (1835-1908).
In 94 turncoat Jewish historian Titus Flavius Josephus (Joseph ben Matityahu) (37-101) writes Antiquities of the Jews (Judean Antiquities) (20 vols.), becoming the only surviving historical record of the Jewish War, leaving fans thirsting for more on Jeezy Weezy, a little too much?
In 96 St. Paul writes the First Epistle to the Corinthian Church, which alludes to his Epistle to the Hebrews. I'm so smart that I thought you were my son? About 96 (before or after Domitian dies?) aged Christian apostle St. John the Evangelist (1-100), son of Zebedee and younger brother of James the Greater, former disciple of John the Baptist, called Boanerges ("sons of thunder") by Jesus along with James for their zeal, now pastor (bishop?) of Ephesus, exiled by Domitian to the 13-sq.-mi. rocky goat isle of Patmos in the Dodecanese off the SW coast of Asia Minor dicates the ultimate Millennium Feverist handbook The Revelation (Apocalypse) of (St.) John to his scribe Prochoros from the Holy Grotto (Cave of the Apocalypse) of Patmos, where Christ allegedly visits and/or sends an angel to visit his last surviving apostle and tries to explain why he isn't coming back as soon as they all thought, and in fact he himself doesn't know, only God?; the Seven Churches of Asia (Minor) in W Turkey are addressed, incl. the Church of Ephesus, the lukewarm Church of Laodicea;, the Church of Pergamum, the Church of Philadelphia, the Church of Smyrna, the Church of Thyatira (Thyateira), and the Church of Sardis; Ch. 20 starts up Millennium Fever (MF) among Christians, the belief that Christ one day will return to Earth, conquer the "Beast", cast Satan and his followers into the abyss for 1K years, and reign as king with the resurrected faithful becoming princes and priests; but that's not all; the test is repeated, and at the end of the 1K years Satan is let loose again for a short time to recruit new followers, then put they are all put in the Lake of Fire (the second death) forever, and by now all the dead are resurrected and judged, either to eternal life or the second death along with Big S; Rev. 13:18 starts 666 Fear (hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia), the horrible-but-cool hangup that there's just something beastly about the Roman number DCLXVI (the first six Roman numerals written from largest to smallest), the idea of man (6) striving to become God, or create a trinity (666), and falling short of perfection (7), which requires the final Roman numeral M (messiah)?; some claim that Roman emperor Nero ("Neron Qesar") is meant because some mss. have 616 instead of 666; believers in the coming Chilling Millennium become known as Chiliasts; after too many of these false alarms cause all hope to be placed on the year 1000, and it proves a bust too, they switch to 1000 plus permutations of 6, 66, and 666, even using month #6 June as one of the magic keys to the big date, even though it said name not date, and some ancient mss. have 616 not 666, which not coincidentally is all the Roman numerals in order MDCLXVI, oops, no M, that's reserved for the real Messiah; call it a coincidence, but the Arabic Symbol for Allah looks a lot like the Greek letters for 666; (after returning to Ephesus?) John also writes the Gospel Accordin to John and the Three Epistles of John about this time; actually John's name is never mentioned in the Gospel According to John, but it gets attributed to him by tradition; in the Gospel of John Jesus never utters parables, but instead performs signs, and never casts out demons; in contrast to the Synoptic Gospels, which concentrate on Jesus' doings in Galilee, it concentrates on his doings in Judea and Jerusalem, displaying a first-hand knowledge of the geography prior to the Jewish Revolt of 66, and seems to show a knowledge of an ancient tradition independent of the other gospels, leading many scholars to consider it the most reliable of the four; the only gospel to describe Jesus' turning of water into wine at the wedding in Cana (2:1-11), his conversations with Nicodemus (3:1-21) and the Samaritan woman (4:1-42), and the raising of Lazarus in Bethany (ch. 11), along with the Holy Lance of Christ (spear stuck in his side to prove that he's dead after only three hours on the Cross, when most last a day or more, and despite a corpse being unable to pump blood out with a dead heart) (19:34); the only one to describe the role of Nicodemus in Jesus' burial (19:39); the only one with vocabulary not used in the rest, esp. the Gnostic-like talk in the Logos Passage (John 1:1-18): "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was [a?] God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made...", creating the eternal Arian vs. Athanasius Controversy: in the beginning of God's Creation did he first create the Word AKA Christ (Love?), then use him to create all else, hence Christ is a created being not God, or was the Word there in the beginning with God, thus is God, even though God has no beginning, and is eternal and uncreated?; so, as the 1st cent. ends, despite the skimpiness of history, God spoke and laid out the complete Plan of the Man in the New Testament; the whole point of Christ is to suspend God's judgment of eternal death on truly repentant sinners (Mk. 2:17, Acts 17:30) by coming the first time to save them (John 3:15-18, John 12:47) and the second time to judge them (Acts 17:31, Heb. 9:28), which is why he tells everybody that his blood will pay for their sins prior to conversion (Heb. 9:11-28), but afterwards to sin no more (John 5:14, 8:11), because sin (violating the Ten Commandments incl. having other gods, taking the Lord's name in vain, lying, stealing, coveting, murdering, committing adultery even with the eyes, etc.) is voluntary, and Christians will be sent the Holy Spirit to keep them from temptation and never sin again (1 John 3:1-10), but those who fall away are out of luck because Christ can't be crucified a second time (Heb. 6:4-6), and blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is unforgivable (Matt. 12:31-32); too bad, some Christian sects have the idea that they can get "saved" and continue sinning, when actually nobody is saved yet, because only at the End of Days will Judge Christ AKA God in Human Form open his court to judge us (Heb. 9:27), and going around claiming to be saved is sinful, taking the Lord's name in vain and lying?; the ultimate Supreme Court, the judgment is either entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven (Mt. 5:19-21, 8:11), or being cast by angels into the Lake of Fire (Rev. 20:15); maybe it's all a fairy tale, but the punchline is that nobody can be sure until they're dead, what a sales pitch.
In the 2nd-3rd cents. C.E. Gnostic writings flood the scene, incl. the Gospel of Thomas (alleged sayings of Jesus, which are later trans. to Coptic and buried c. 340 near Nag Hammadi, Egypt), Apocalypse of Baruch, Epistle of the Apostles, Second Epistle of Clement, The Gospel of Mary, The Gospel of Philip ("And the companion of the Saviour is Mary Magdalene. Christ loved her more than all the disciples and used to kiss her often on her mouth"), The Ophite Diagrams, The Dialogue of the Savior, The Apocryphon of John, Trimorphic Protennoia, The Valentinian Exposition, The Apocryphon of James, and The Epistle of Mathetes to Diognetus, which contains the soundbyte about Christians that they: "dwell in their own countries, but only as aliens; as citizens they take part in everything, but endure all hardships as strangers; every foreign land is a fatherland to them, and every fatherland is foreign. They inhabit the earth, but they hold citizenship in heaven."
In the 2nd cent. C.E. the Corpus Hermeticum ancient Greek-Egyptian wisdom texts are redacted in the form of dialogues with Hermes Trismegistus ("Thrice-Greatest"), launching Hermeticism in the West, with a basic belief in the Four Elements of the Universe, and the Seven Intermediary Planetary Spirits created by God to govern destiny; in ancient times the god Hermes was worshipped in the form of a square pillar with a head and beard, and the Caduceus was his symbol; "Seeing within myself an immaterial vision that came from the mercy of God, I went out of myself into an immortal body, and now I am not what I was before. I have been born in mind!"
In the 2nd cent. C.E. the 2nd cent. B.C.E. Martyrdom of Isaiah begins to be added to by New Kid on the Block Christians, the original five chapters augmented by five more describing Isaiah's ascension to Heaven and vision of Jesus' life and resurrection.
In the 2nd cent. C.E. Jewish rabbi Yossi (Yose) Ben Halafta writes the Seder Olam, dating Creation to -3671.
In 1833-5 Swiss theologian David Friedrich Strauss (1808-74) pub. The Life of Jesus, Critically Examined (Das Leben Jesu, Kritisch Bearbeitet) (2 vols.); 4th ed. 1840, tr. into English by George Eliot in 1846 (3 vols.); says what all the Rationalists have been thinking, rejecting the miracles and Virgin Birth of Christ as myths, and showing that there is no way to construct a historical image of Jesus from the New Testament to serve the Christian faith, although the myths they are based on may contain a kernel of truth, causing a giant reaction in Germany; claims that the Gospels were written late in the 2nd cent. C.E.; "Te most pestilential book ever vomited out of the jaws of hell" (Earl of Shaftsbury); Albert Schweitzer later writes that Strauss' works "filled in the death-certificates of a whole series of explanations which, at first sight, have all the air of being alive, but are not really so", dividing the Quest for the Historical Jesus into "the period before David Strauss, and the period after David Strauss"; spawns disciples incl. Bruno Bauer (1809-82), who concludes that Jesus was a 2nd cent. myth stolen from Greek and Roman mythology, with Judaism thrown in; too bad, he couches his book in terms of Hegelian philosophy, causing the Young Heglians to chew him up, starting with Bruno Bauer.