Pelayo of Asturias (681-737) Ferdinand I of Castile-Leon (1017-65) Alfonso X the Wise of Castile (1221-84) Maria de Molina of Castile (1265-1321) Alfonso XI of Castile (1311-50) Ferdinand II the Catholic of Castile-Aragon (1452-1516) Isabella I the Catholic of Castile (1451-1504) Charles I of Spain (HRE Charles V) (1500-58) Philip II of Spain (1527-98)

A Quick History of the Monarchs of Spain

By T.L. Winslow (TLW), the Historyscoper™

© Copyright by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.

Last Update: Apr. 30, 2016.

Philip IV of Spain (1605-65) Charles II of Spain (1661-1700) Charles III of Spain (1716-88) Ferdinand VII of Spain (1784-1833) Isabella II of Spain (1830-1904) Alfonso XII of Spain (1857-85) Alfonso XIII of Spain (1886-1941) Spanish Gen. Francisco Franco (1892-1975) Juan Carlos I of Spain (1938-)

Westerners are not only known as history ignoramuses, but double dumbass history ignoramuses when it comes to the Spanish monarchs. Since I'm the one-and-only Historyscoper (tm), let me quickly bring you up to speed before you dive into my Historyscopes.

Spain has always been part of the Wild West of Europe, so isolated that its monarchs got too inbred and regularly went mad. Of course that was centuries after the Muslim invasion of 711, when they began dosing on Arab and African blood, developing that proud cruel black-eyed black-haired line of models that ended in Zorro.

According to Bible-thumpers, the first inhabitants of Spain were descendants of Noah's son Japheth, who lived in SW Europe and Spain, which the Bible calls Tarshish - the original Tarship Enterprise?

According to evolutionists, about 5M B.C.E. the Gibraltar Dam keeping the Atlantic out of the Mediterranean breaks, causing the Zanclean Flood (Deluge), flooding the Mediterranean desert with 1 mi. of saltwater within 50 years, creating the 40-mi. x 9-24 mi. x 1K ft. deep Strait of Gibraltar, with entrance at the Pillars of Hercules incl. the Rock of Gibraltar (world's most famous rock?) on the S point of the Iberian Peninsula, and Mt. Abila (Abyla) (Sierra Bullones) (Monte Hacho) in Ceuta, N Africa, or Jebel Musa in Morocco, N Africa.

About 1100 B.C.E. the Phoenicians become totally independent of Egypt, and discover the Pillars of Hercules; the N one is Calpe (Aulibe) (later called the Rock of Gibraltar), and the S one is Abila (Sierra Bullones) at Ceuta on the N African coast (later called Jebel Musa); the Phoenicians crown them with silver columns to mark the limits of Mediterranean navigation; named for the labor of Hercules where he had to fetch the cattle of Geryon and bring them to Eurystheus, and smashes a hole in Mt. Atlas to reach the island of Erytheia, forming the Strait of Gibraltar (then narrows it to keep sea monsters out?).

Up till the Romans conquered it around 210 B.C.E., Spain was a hodgepodge of tribes from all over the region, incl. Celts, Phoenicians, and Greeks. About 1000 B.C.E. migrants from Iberia (Spain) bring their magnificent war horses to North Africa, which spread to Arabia.

Roman Emperor Trajan (53-117)

Spanish-born Roman emperor #13 (98-117) Marcus Ulpius Trajanus (Trajan) (53-117) was the first non-Italian-born Roman emperor.

Christianity spread to Spain early on. On Sept. 25, 303 C.E. bishop-martyr St. Fermin (b. 272) is beheaded in Amiens, France; later the San Fermin Festival in Pamplona, Spain is founded, featuring eight 3/4-ton bulls chasing drunken revelers down a 900-yard cobblestone street corridor; originally held on Sept. 25, it begins running from noon on July 6 to midnight on July 14 starting in 1592; by the 20th cent. there are eight bull runs during the 9-day festival, one each morning at 8 a.m. - advice: stay in front? Too bad, anti-Semitism found a home in the Spanish Christian community early on too. In 306 the Synod (Council) of Elvira in Spain results in 89 canons, incl. the earliest ecclesiastical ordinance requiring celibacy for clergy, prohibiting images in churches, sexual intercourse and intermarriage between Christians and Jews, or even eating together - I've been celibate all year; I sell a bit, and give away some too?

Constantine I the Great (271-337)

In 312 Roman emperor (306-37) Constantine I (the Great) (Flavius Valerius Aurelius Constantinus) (271-337) had an alleged vision of Christ that caused him to legitimize the underground cult, then make it the official religion of Rome, triggering a giant civil war that lasted most of the cent., leaving the empire so weak that it was made short work of by the German Vandals and Goths, falling in 476. The civil war was not only with the pagans, but with the heretic Arians, esp. the Goths, who went for Christ but didn't go for the Trinity and the idea of the divinity of Christ. To this day there are Arians all around, incl. the Jehovah's Witnesses and the Muslims.

In 409 the Vandals, led by Genseric leave Toulouse and overrun Aquitaine, then break into Spain through the Pyrenees, along with the Suevi and Alans, causing a civil war; the Suevi end up with the NW corner N of the Douri River, the Alans the SW corner S of the Tagus River, and the Vandals hang on in the center. After making it to Seville in S Spain in 411, the Vandals In 415 under Roman pressure the Visigoths under Ataulf invade Aquitania and burn Bordeaux, then cross the Pyrenees and invade the Iberian Peninsula, where the grateful Jews find protection under them from the Trinitarian Christians; Priscus Attalus is cut loose by the Visigoths, captured by gen. Constantius, then paraded, mutilated (forefinger and thumb cut off so he can't draw a bow), and exiled (he can still flog his bishop?); too bad, Ataulf is assassinated in Barcelona in his bath by a servant of his Gothic noble enemy Sarus, whom Ataulf had slain earlier; Sarus' clan the Amali immediately elect Sarus' brother Sigeric (-415) as king of the Visigoths, who murders Ataulf's six children from an earlier marriage "whom he tore, without pity, from the feeble arms of a venerable bishop", then treats his widow Galla Placidia (daughter of emperor Theodosius) "with cruel and wanton insult" by making her march 12 mi. on foot in a crowd of captives, pissing off Ataulf's supporters, who assassinate him after only seven days and replace him with Ataulf's relative (member of the Balti clan) Wallia (Valia) (-419), who goes on to extend his domain over most of Spain and S Gaul (Aquitaine), and establish his capital in (don't say Holy) Toledo (Roman town of Toletum, "raised aloft") in very defensible C Spain, built on a hill and surrounded on three sides by the Tagus River, with the Roman praetorium called the Alcazar as fortress.

St. Augustine of Hippo (354-430)

In 429 after receiving an appeal from Roman gov. of North Africa Gen. Bonifacius (Bonifatius) (Boniface), who is in revolt against Empress Galla Placidia and wants to set himself up as an independent ruler of Africa, Genseric leads his 80K Vandals (plus some Alans) from S Spain into North Africa - never invite a vandal into your home? In 430 the Vandals double-cross Gen. Bonifacius and begin sacking N Africa and sieging Hippo (until 431), causing him to accept the regency of Galla Placidia and defend Hippo with Gothic mercenaries; meanwhile the downtrodden indigenous pop. welcomes the Vandals as liberators from the Roman slave-master landowners. (St.) Augustine (Aurelius Augustinus) (354-430) is killed in the Vandal siege of Hippo. In 439 after a triumphal sack-happy progress through N Africa, the Vandals capture Carthage (until 534) while most of the pop. are watching the races at the hippodrome, make it their capital, and begin to master seamanship, creating a powerful navy that becomes a royal pain in the ass to the Roman govt., which is already disintegrating under the barbarian kingdoms of the West, going on to eagerly vandalize the soft underbelly of Europe; Geiseric makes Carthage his capital, and styles himself king of the Vandals and Alans after integrating the Alans of N Africa into his alliance.

In 466 Theoderic dies, and his son Euric (-484) becomes king #7 of the Visigoth kingdom of Toulouse, extending his rule from the Loire River to Gibraltar, and from the Rhone River to the Bay of Biscay (until 507); he Romanizes his kingdom, and draws up a law code combining Roman and German elements; meanwhile the kingship remains elective rather than hereditary, weakening it.

Last Roman Emperor Romulus Augustus (461-77)

The Roman empire is suffering Seinfeldian shrinkage? In 475 a treaty is signed by Roman emperor Nepos with Euric, recognizing the Visigoths as masters of most of Gaul and Spain in exchange for restoring the Provence region of Gaul to imperial control; meanwhile Nepos appoints German tribesman (half-German and half-Roman?) Orestes Augustus (-476) (former asst. to Attila the Hun and husband of the daughter of Count Romulus of Petovio in Noricum) as master of soldiers (big mistake?), and after the Roman Senate abandons Nepos for his Eastern ties, Orestes stages a coup in Ravenna on Aug. 25, causing Nepos to flee to Dalmatia, where he rules with the backing of the Byzantine emperor and is recognized in Gaul; Orestes then gets his teenie son (by his Roman wife) (known only for his beauty) Romulus Augustus (Augustulus) (Momyllus) (b. 461) crowned as Western Roman emperor #94 (last) (until 476) on Oct. 31; "The appellations of the two great founders, of the city and of the monarchy, were thus strangely united in the last of their successors." (Gibbon, Ch. 36).

Odoacer of the Visigoths (435-93)

In Aug. 476 Flavius Odoacer (Odovacer) (435-93), Herulian (Visigoth) leader (chief gen.) of the Germanic tribes in the Roman army leads a revolt over a baksheesh matter (free homes in Italy), captures Ravenna, and kills Orestes in Pavia; on Sept. 4 (Sept. 7 Gregorian) (Mon.) Romulus Augustus (461-77?) (AKA Augustulus), the boy emperor of Rome at Ravenna becomes the Last Roman Emperor of the West as he is deposed and exiled to the castle of Lucullus in Campania in S Italy (with 6K pieces of gold per annum allowance) by Odoacer, who proclaims himself Roman emperor of the West, petitioning Emperor Zeno to recognize him as a patrician and ruler of Italy on behalf of the Eastern empire; Zeno accepts on the last part, but insists that exiled Julian Nepos (d. 480) remain Roman emperor, which he does, on coins; 753 + 476 - 1 = 1228?; the Dark Ages begin as 1.2K years of progress of civilization becomes kaput in Europe thanks to barbarians and Christian hostility to paganism, which to them incl. all pagan scientific, literary, historical, and cultural works, making all scientists forever suspect of being in league with the Devil by the Christian masses, an impediment that ends in ?, and the very idea of wanting to live for "the world" when the Kingdom of Heaven is dangled in front of your eyes to seem pointless?; "So it was in utter social decay and collapse that the great slave-holding 'world-ascendency' of the god-Caesars and the rich men of Rome came to an end" (H.G. Wells, Ch. 37) - so who is the last emperor, Romulus Augustus or Nepos?

In 486 Euric's son Alaric II (-507) becomes king #8 of the Visigoths in Spain, with dominion over Gallia Aquitania and Gallia Narbonensis, giving him the entire W end of the Mediterranean.

In the 6th cent. the Carthaginians give Spain its name, from "Spania", meaning "land of rabbits" - the habits in the land of rabbits fall mainly on the laps of abbots?

In 507 Arian Visigoth King Alaric II, jealous of Athanasian Frankish King Clovis I meets with him on a small island in the Loire near Amboise to settle their boundary, and they separate with kisses and hugs, then get on with the real business of fox and hare; Clovis holds an assembly of his princes at his capital in Paris, where he gives a speech, saying, "It grieves me to see that the Arians still possess the fairest portion of Gaul. Let us march against them with the aid of God, and having vanquished the heretics, we will possess and divide their fertile provinces", causing his hearers to vow not to shave their beards till they kick Visigoth butt; after his wife Clothilde suggests that he build a church to give some mojo to the expedition, he tosses his Francisca (battle axe), and orders the Church of the Holy Apostles (later the Abbey of St. Genevieve) built where it lands, making him the new Joshua and Gideon put together to his fans?; Ostrogoth king Theodoric of Italy tries to mediate, then sends troops to aid his rash Arian Visigoth kinsman Alaric II, whose troops, which incl. armed slaves outnumber those of up-and-comer Clovis I and his Franks, but are soft from a long period of peace, while the Franks are supported by the orthodox Gallo-Roman pop. and clergy, who are whipped up by exiled bishop of Rodez (since 506) (St.) Quintianus (Quinctianus) (-525), and after Clovis I visits the Shrine of St. Martin and gets a favorable omen from a Psalm being read mentioning the champions of heaven, and being led to the White Hart Ford over the Loire 40 mi. from Poitiers by a white hart (locals?), and receiving yet another divine omen in a flaming meteor suspended over the Cathedral of Poitiers, the Franks surprise and defeat the Visigoths at the Battle of Vouille (Vouillé) (10 mi. from Poitiers), and King David, er, Sampson, er, Clovis kills Alaric in single combat, then fights off two mad Goths trying to avenge him?; the victorious Franks capture Aquitania and turn it into the semiautonomous Duchy of Aquitaine (ends 768), then take Angouleme after the walls supposedly fall to the ground like Jericho in the Bible, and take control of SW Gaul, then siege Arles before the Ostrogoths finally arrive and rescue their Visigoth brothers with the loss of 30K German Franks and Burgundian allies, causing Clovis to sign a peace treaty, allowing the Visigoths to permanently withdraw over the Pyrenees, retaining only Septimania (a narrow coastal area in W Gallia Narbonensis from the Rhone River to the Pyrenees); Byzantine emperor Anastasius grants Clovis an honorary (pro) consulship, legitimizing his Roman Catholic rulership of France, and causing him to stage a big coronation at the Church of St. Martin complete with the diadem and purple, and call himself Augustus, later causing some to claim that the French monarchy is of Roman origin; Theodoric becomes regent of Alaric II's son Amalaric (until 526), making him king of the united splendid-noble Ostro-Visigoths; too bad, the blonde-blue Norse-German Arian Visigoths are a small minority of the pop. in Spain, and are rapidly Romanized, converted to Roman Catholicism, contained, isolated, and finally crushed and absorbed by the invading Muslims by 713.

Reccared I of the Visigoths (559-601)

In Jan. 587 new (since 586) Spanish Visigoth king Reccared (Recared) I (559-601) is converted to Roman Catholic orthodoxy by Bishop Leander of Seville, and officially renounces Arianism, causing most nobles and ecclesiastics to follow suit, merging with the majority of Hispano-Romans in Spain; it takes 111 years, but the pope gets his way and de-Arianizes the pesky Spanish Visigoths.

In June 638 the Sixth (6th) Council of Toledo outlaws non-Roman Catholics in the Visigoth kingdom of Spain, causing many forced conversions, many of them fake, esp. Jews - giving them a reason to not get mad but get even?

Chindasuinth of Spain (563-653)

On Apr. 30, 642 after Tulga is overthrown by 79-y.-o. warlord Chindasuinth (Chindaswinth) (563-653) (cmdr. of the Basque frontier known for putting down pesky holdout Arians), he is elected king by a convention in Pampalica (modern-day Pampliega), and becomes king of Visigoth Spain, stopping any possible revolt by executing 200 noble and 500 petty noble Goths and banishing and confiscating property from a bunch of others without a trial; during his reign Muslims first begin ravaging the coast of Andalusia; with the assistance of Zaragoza bishop (St.) Braulio (Braulius) (590-651) he draws up the Roman-like Liber Ludiciorum law code that supersedes the Breviary of Alaric used by the Hispano-Roman pop. and the Code of Leovigild used by the Gothic pop.; his son Recceswinth finishes it in 654.

Recceswinth of Spain (-672)

On Jan. 20, 648 tough but old king Chindasuinth has his son (by wife Recciberga) Recceswinth (Reccesuinth) (-672) crowned co-king in an attempt to make the monarchy hereditary again, and he becomes the real ruler while his old fart daddy rummages for the cole slaw and founds the Monastery of San Roman de la Hornija near Toro by the Douro River for his bones to rest in, then dies in 653, a typical Christian hypocrite, "impious, unjust and immoral" (Bishop Eugene II of Toledo); during Recceswinth's reign the bishops take over the govt. and dominate the nobles, setting themselves up to pick the king and hold him to their policies.

Wamba of Spain (-687)

In 672 Reccesuinth dies, and his son Wamba (Gothic "big belly") (d. 687) becomes Visigoth king of Spain (until 680), immediately facing a revolt by Hilderic, gov. of Nimes, who is supported by Bishop Gunhild of Maguelonne and the Spanish Jewish pop., causing Wamba to send a force under Hispano-Roman duke Flavius Paulus, who arrives in Narbonne, then flops and converts to Judaism and proclaims himself king, with Hilderic backing him, going on to send emissaries to the Basques to join up, pissing off Wamba, who personally leads his army to the W Pyrenees and kicks Basque butt; meanwhile Flavius Paulus is crowned with a golden crown given by late king Retarded, er, Reccared to the Church of Gerona, causing the Visigoth cities in Gaul and most of NE Spain to join his side, while Jewish hit men begin assassinating nobles loyal to Wamba, who regroups, marches into Narbonensis and Tarraconensis, and wins back most of the rebel cities.

In 680 after he tries to reform the military and triggers a civil war, and is poisoned in Pampliega (near Burgos) under the orders of Ervig (Erwig) (Ervigio) (Euric) (-687) (son of Ardabast from Constantinople and Chindasuinth's niece) (why does his name make me think of an earwig?), sick Wamba retires to a monastic habit and appoints Ervig his successor, and he is crowned as king of Visigoth Spain in Toledo on Oct. 31 (until 687), rewarding his co-conspirator Julian of Toledo (642-90) with the job of bishop of Toledo, who covers it all up in his Historia Wambae Regis (History of King Wamba); when the public doesn't buy the coverup, Ervig goes on to become a complete puppet of the bishops and nobles, giving them the keys to the cash register while his kingdom goes into decline and near civil war, and the pop. becomes immoral, setting it up for plucking like a ripe apple by the Muslims in 711?

On Nov. 14, 687 after growing gravely ill (deja vu?), Ervig proclaims his son-in-law (husband of his daughter Cixilo) Egica (Egicca) (Ergica) (610-702) (an Aryan?) as king of Visigoth Spain (until 702), and retires to a monastery then kicks off to be with Christ; Egica goes on to be a mean king, punishing homosexuals with castration, prohibiting Jews from conducting business with Christians, passing laws treating fugitive slaves harshly, and upstaging Draco by amending a law requiring anybody accused of theft of goods worth 300 solidi or more to be tried via the caldaria (boiling alive in water) to anybody accused of theft however small (even a cabbage?) to get the govt.-provided parboiling.

Late in 702 mean king Egica (b. 610) dies in his sleep, and his son (by Ervig's son Cixilo) Wittiza (Witiza) (Witiges) (686-710) (already anointed when he reached 14 on Nov. 15/24, 700, and made ruler over the Suevi based in Tuy, Gallicia) becomes king of crumbling Visigoth Spain (until 710), going on to start out good and reverse some of daddy's exile and confiscation of nobles, causing the people to love him, then go bad and "indulge in a plurality of wives and concubines, encouraging his subjects to do the same", while recalling from exile and surrounding himself with Jewish advisers, who (obviously in league with fellow Jews of N Africa, to make the coming invasion a cakewalk?) successfully counsel him to break down the defenses of cities, demolish castles and turn spears into harrows in order to stop potential traitors, causing the clergy to hate him; he executes Duke Favila of Cantabria (son of Chinasuinth) and blinds and imprisons Duke Theodofred of Cordoba, but Favila's son Pelayo and Theodofred's son Duke Roderic of Baetica escape to Italy to plan revenge.

In 710 after "tumultuously invading the kingdom with the encouragement of the Senate" with an army from Italy, exiled Roderic (Ruderic) (Roderick) (Roderik) (Ruderigus) (-711) defeats and captures Wittiza "the Wicked", then blinds and imprisons him in Cordoba, and is crowned the last king of Visigoth Spain by next year after usurping the throne from Wittiza's two sons Evan and Siseburto (who escape to Tangier); he then splits the kingdom with (Wittiza's 3rd son?) Achila (Aquila) (Agila) (Akhila) II (-714), with the SW (Lusitania and W Carthaginiensis incl. Toledo and Egitania, AKA Idanha-a-Velha) going to Roderic, and the NE (Tarraconensis and Narbonensis) to Achila II (nobody gets Galicia and Baetica?), which gives the Muslims their big opening; meanwhile Wittiza's family flees to Ceuta on the N shore of the Maghreb, allying with Jews and Arian Christians who hate the Roman Catholic bishops of the Visigoth monarchy.

7-Eleven Sign Gibraltar Map of Gibraltar Spain, 711-714 Tariq ibn Ziyad (-720)

On Apr. 29, 711 after Visigoth Count Ilyan (Julian) betrays his post at Ceuta into the hands of the Muslims and flops to their side to get even with Visigoth king Roderic for dishonoring (knocking up?) his daughter Lady Florinda, and sends four boats for them, a recon army of 1.7K Muslim Moors (mainly Berbers and slaves, plus a few Arabs) under lame Berber Muslim Umayyad Gen. Tariq (Tarik) ibn Ziyad (Zeyad) ibn Abdillah (-720) (AKA Tariq the One-Eyed) (of the Berber Nefzaoua tribe?) (a native of Hamdan, Persia?) (who was a slave of North African gov. Musa ibn Nusayr before being freed) (known for a prominent forehead and a black hairy mole on his left shoulder?) cross the Strait of Gibraltar (Jabal al-Tariq) (Gabel al-Tariq) (mountain of Tariq) from Mauretania on a Sat. in the Muslim month of Shaban and Muslim year 92 (24th of Rejeb, June 19?), and invade Spain (al-Andalus), sending the boats back and forth several times until their entire army of 7K is over, then burning them so it's do or die; he obtains help from the Jewish community of Elvira (Ilbira) in a suburb of Granada; after Visigoth king Roderic spots them and swears an oath to throw them back into the sea and begins approaching, Tariq gives his Famous Do-or-Die Speech, featuring the immortal soundbyte "Remember that if you suffer a few moments in patience, you will afterward enjoy supreme delight", after which the pumped-up Allah Akbars charge the Spanish army, causing them to flee?; they then march to Cartagena and Cordoba before being driven back and regrouping and receiving reinforcements; on July 19 (Sun.) (two days before the end of Ramadan) King Roderic, who has holed up in his castle in Cordoba and sent men to gather an army of 100K blonde Goths (mostly serfs?) attacks the puny 10K-to-18K man Muslim army (incl. Arabs and Syrians, but mostly kinky-haired blacks?) at the Battle of the Guadalete (Rio Barbute) on the Jerez (Xeres) de la Frontera in SW Spain NE of Cadiz (later home of the fortified wine sherry), and is defeated after eight days after Wittiza's sons Evan and Siseburto make a deal and flop over to the Muslim side in exchange for keeping their "royal portion" of 3K farms, and Tariq personally kills Roderic, who is mounted on a litter between two mules with a jewel-encrusted silk awning (either that or he drowns in the river, as his body is never found, just his white horse), after which his relatives Sisbert and Osbert flee, causing the confused Visigoth army to flee in all directions, most N to Ecija near Seville; Cadiz remains in Muslim hands until 1264; the Muslims then take Toledo, and execute the nobles of the city for assisting in the flight of Egica's son Oppa (Oppas), who had been declared king, and flees to Seville, where he becomes bishop?; after the dead rich Goth princes are stripped of their bling, which is distributed among the 9K remaining Muslims, the news causes Muslims in N Africa to flock on over for the fun and games, after which they begin to outnumber the quaking Goths; meanwhile Achila succeeds as the positively last king of the Spanish Visigoths (until 714) (although he probably was already a rival co-king to Roderic), holding on in Zaragoza, Tarragona, and Gerona, plus the province of Narbonne (Narbonensis), the last safe base on the far side of the Truth Booth (Pyrenees), which (too bad?) has a large Jewish pop.

Pelayo of Asturias (681-737)

In 718 the Roman Catholic kingdom of Asturias (Asturia) in NW Spain S of the Bay of Biscay with capital at Cangas de Onis is founded in the inaccessible Pyrenees by Visigoths fleeing the Moors, led by former royal bodyguard (of Roderic) Pelayo (Pelagius) (681-737) (son of Count Favila of Cantabria), throwing the Moors back when they reach it next year.

Spanish Reconquista

In the summer of 722 the Battle of Covadonga sees 300 Christian soldiers of Asturias under Pelayo score their first V in Spain against the Moors since the 711 invasion after the Muslims who got their butts kicked last year in France under Anbasa ibn Suhaym al-Kalbi make the mistake of trying to save their reps by assisting N Iberian gov. (since 720) Munuza and fellow Berber Al-Kama in taking on the pesky rebel Christian stronghold of Asturias called Covadonga (protected by a narrow valley), and used traitor Bishop Oppas of Seville (son of Egica) to try and talk them into surrendering, which just pissed them off, after which the Muslims tried a frontal attack and were ambushed by some of Pelayo's men hidden in a cave, after which they tried to leave Asturias and were greeted by the pissed-off Christian pop., who emerged from their villages with hidden weapons and killed hundreds of Allah Akbars. Munuza (who kidnapped and married Pelayo's sister Ormesinda, who poisoned herself on her wedding day, pissing Pelayo off more) fled, and was killed personally by Pelayo in Proaza, Trubia or La Felguera, after which the stragglers reported back that Pelayo only had "thirty infidels left, what can they do", but never tried attacking them again. This V was later taken to mark the start of the Spanish Christian Reconquista (reconquest of Spain) by 12th cent. Christian propagandists. One of the first reconquered cities was the seaport of Gijon (Gijón) (ancient Roman town of Gigia or Gijia) on the Bay of Biscay (20 mi. NE of Oviedo), way later figuring big in the Siege of Gijon in the Spanish Civil War on July 19-Aug. 16, 1936. Meanwhile the madass Arabs sans Tariq bypassed them and decided to cross the Pyrenees. Did you figure out yet that modern-day Muslims who act outraged at horrible Zionist Jews who want to reclaim little ole Israel because they were there first and their god Jehovah promised it to them, are descendants of Muslims whose god Allah promised the entire Earth to them, all they had to do was go out and kill, fuck, and brainwash their way as they went, and play dumb afterwards, no need for history lessons, we got it, you take it and we'll declare jihad again?

Alfonso I of Asturias (-757)

In 737 Pelagius of Asturias (b. 681) dies, and is succeeded by Alfonso (OG "ready for battle") I (the Catholic) (-757), who assigns generous shares of lands conquered from the Muslims to the Church, and uses the clergy as a counterweight to the aristocracy.

In 797 after gov. Zeid of Barcelona rebels against Cordoba and fails, he hands Barcelona to Louis I the Pious of the Franks (until 799), who creates Visigoth nobleman Borrell (-820) as count #1 of Cerdanya, Urgell, and Ausona on the iffy N border of Cordoba.

Íñigo Iñiguez I of Pamplona (781-852)

In 824 Basque noble Inigo I Iniguez (Íñigo I Íñiguez) (Arista) (Aritza) (Aiza) (Eneko Enekones) (781-852) is elected as Christian king #1 of Pamplona (Navarre) on the S slopes of the W Pyrenees (until 852) in Spain, allying with the Muslims inside his kingdom against outside enemies; his descendents are referred to as demons in the 11th-12th cent.

Alfonso III of Asturias (848-910)

On May 27, 866 Ordono I (b. 831) dies, and his son Alfonso III (the Great) (848-910) becomes king of Asturias (until 910), going on to consolidate his kingdom at the expense of the weakening Muslim Umayyad princedom of Cordoba in al-Andalus, and ordering three chronicles written that claim that his kingdom is the rightful successor to the old Visigoth kingdom of Spain; his kingdom begins to be called Galicia or Oviedo instead of Asturias.

In 905 after a coup sponsored by Count Galindo Aznarez II of Aragon desposes his father Garcia Jimenez, Sancho I Garces (Garcés) (860-925) (nephew of the Count of Ribagorza) becomes king of Pamplona on the S end of the Bay of Biscay in Spain (between Asturias on the W and Gascony on the E) (until 925), ending the line of Inigo I Iniguez Arista (founded 824), and going on to fend off the Moors while adding Ultra-Puertos (Basse-Navarre) to his domain and extending it as far as Najera and Arba (Araba?).

Sancho I the Fat of Leon (933-66)

In 956 Ordono III (b. 926) dies, and his morbidly obese stepbrother (son of Ramiro II) Sancho (Sp. "sacred") I (the Fat) (933-66) becomes king of Leon (until 966) - the original Sancho Panza or Sacred Belly?

Ferdinand I of Castile-Leon (1017-65)

In 1029 Count Garcia Sanchez of Castile is murdered by some exiled Castilian nobleman as he tries to enter the Church of St. John the Baptist in the city of Leon to marry Sancha of Leon, sister of Bermudo III of Leon, causing Sancho III of Navarre to claim the county of Castile in his wife's forgettable name and install their son Ferdinand I (the Great) (1017-65) as the new count of Castile (until 1065), then force Sancha to marry Ferdinand in 1032, with Castile as her dowry; daddy Sancho then acts as overlord with the goal of permanently uniting Castile and Leon under the dynasty of Navarre, starting by seizing the borderlands between the Cea and Pisuerga Rivers N of the city of Leon.

Spain 1210 Spain 1212-1492 Battle of Las Navas de Tolosa, July 16, 1212

On July 16, 1212 after 500 years of fighting back inch by inch, step by step, resulting in the Christian kingdoms of Portugal (W Spain), Castile (C Spain), Navarre (E of Castile in the Pyrenees), and Aragon (E of Castile to the coast), the Battle of Las Navas de Tolosa was a giant V for the Christians of Aragon, Castile, Navarre, and Portugal over the Almohad Muslims in Spain, with 100K Muslim vs. 2K Christian casualties, causing 1M panicked Muslims to flee back to N Africa, after which they ran scared, losing Cordoba in 1236 and Seville in 1248, and by 1252 only the Nasrid Kingdom of Granada in the S (founded 1238) (the place where the pesky Jews of Elvira originally helped them invade) remained, along with some territory held by their rivals the Marinid Dynasty (1244-1465), who lost their last fortress in Spain in 1344, sharing N Africa with the Hafsid Dynasty, which ruled Ifriqya (Tunisia) from 1229 to 1574, becoming pirates of Christian shipping and using Allah's loot to build up their arts and culture for Ben Kingsley. Granada survived by becoming a tributary state of Castile in 1238, supplying it with troops while becoming a trade hub with the Muslim world.

Alfonso X the Wise of Castile (1221-84)

The intellectually-cracked 13th cent. in Europe gets one Bourbon, one Scotch, and one beer? In 1252 Ferdinand III (b. 1199) dies, and his erudite son Alfonso X (the Wise) (El Sabio) (1221-84) becomes king of Castile (until 1284), taking a cue from late great Frederick II of Germany and beginning a cultural awakening in intolerant violent Europe known as the Castilian Thirteenth (13th) Cent. Renaissance, creating the Spanish Nat. Library in Madrid, one of Europe's first state libraries, along with the Alfonsine School of Translators in Toledo, manned by Christians, Jews, and Muslims, incl. Hermannus Alemannus (Herman the German), who trans. a large mass of Arabic works selected by the king into Latin and Spanish, bringing the most important Greek, Indian, Persian and Syrian works to the scholarly Euro community, and causing Toledo to become a European intellectual hub which fuels the coming Renaissance within a cent.; Alfonso X the Wise supervises the ambitious Spanish pub. known as the General Estoria, which incl. the Alfonsine Astronomical Tables and the Alfonsine Bible (Biblia Alfonsina) as a vehicle for polishing and enriching the Spanish language, causing it to be established as a serious language, and Latin to turn a whiter shade of pale?

Sancho IV the Brave of Castile (1257-95)

On Apr. 4, 1284 king (since 1252) Alfonso X the Wise (b. 1221) dies in Seville, and his son Sancho IV (the Brave) (1257-95) becomes king of Castile and Leon (until 1295), ignoring the wishes of his daddy, who wanted the heirs of his dead elder brother Ferdinand de la Cerda (Hair Sprouting from His Chest) (1253-75) to rule, and a power struggle ensues, with Sancho IV bravely winning after executing 4K.

Ferdinand IV the Summoned of Castile (1285-1312) Maria de Molina of Castile (1265-1321)

On Apr. 25, 1295 king (since 1284) Sancho IV the Brave (b. 1257) dies in Toledo, and his son Ferdinand IV (the Summoned) (Emplazado) (1285-1312) becomes king of Castile Leon (until 1312), going on to face violent attacks by his nobles and hide behind his regent mother Maria de Molina (1265-1321) as well as the citizens of Avila, who give him refuge behind their walls; even then, he proves a weak ruler, ungrateful even to his momma.

Alfonso XI of Castile (1311-50)

On Sept. 7, 1312 king (since 1295) Ferdinand IV (b. 1285) dies suddenly in his tent in Jaen while preparing to raid Granada, and his infant son Alfonso (Alphonso) XI (1311-50) becomes king of Castile (until 1350).

Peter I the Cruel of Castile-Leon (1334-69) Henry of Trastamara (Henry II of Castile) (1334-79)

On Mar. 27, 1350 king (since 1312) Alfonso XI (b. 1311) dies of the plague while sieging Gibraltar, and his son Peter (Pedro) I (the Cruel) (1334-69) becomes king of Castile and Leon (until 1366), while his slightly older illegitimate half-brother Count Don Enrique (Henry) of Trastamara (Trastámara) (1334-79) begins plotting for the throne. In late summer 1360 king (since 1350) Pedro I of Castile and Leon orders his highest dignitaries to kiss the hand of the corpse of his beloved Castilian Princess Ines de Castro, who is seated on a throne in the city of Coimbra, and to do obeisance to her as the queen of Portugal - some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love? Also in 1360 wealthy Spanish Jewish financier-diplomat Samuel ben Meir Abulafia (1320-61) is arrested and robbed, then killed next year by Peter I the Cruel sans explanation - I'm too cruel to be kind? In 1366 Bertrand du Guesclin "charmingly extorts" 200K francs from the pope to finance a Grand Co., a 30K-man brigand expedition to Spain to aid illegitimate son of Alfonso XI, Jew-killer Count Don Henry (Enrique) de Trastamara (Trastámara) (1334-79) in his claim for the throne of Castile and Leon against his Jew-killer half-brother king (since 1350) Peter I the Cruel, who is overthrown, and Henry Trastamara is crowned as king Henry II of Castile and Leon (until 1367). Early in the year Edward the Black Prince leaves Spain, Henry Trastamara returns, and fights the civil war; John of Gaunt, duke of Lancaster (patron of poet Geoffrey Chaucer) aids his ailing brother the Black Prince, although he lacks his military skill; on Mar. 13 Peter I the Cruel is defeated again by Henry Trastamara at the Battle of Campo de Montiel near Toledo; on Mar. 14 king (since 1350) Peter I the Cruel (b. 1334) (cruelly?) dies in a personal combat with Henry Trastamara, who again becomes Henry II of Castile and Leon, founding the Trastamara (Trastámara) Dynasty, which later incl. Ferdinand II and Isabella I of Christopher Columbus fame.

Juan I of Castile (1358-90)

On May 29, 1379 king (since 1369) Henry II of Trastamara (b. 1334) dies, and his son Juan I of Castile (1358-90) becomes Trastamara king of Castile and Leon #2 (until 1390).

Henry III of Castile and Leon (1379-1406)

On Oct. 9, 1390 king (since 1379) Juan I of Castile (b. 1358) dies after a fall from a horse, and his son Henry III (the Sufferer) (the Infirm) (1379-1406) becomes Trastamara king #3 of Castile and Leon (until 1406).

John II of Spain (1405-54) Ferdinand I the Just of Aragon (1380-1416) Íñigo López de Mendoza y de la Vega, Marquis of Santillana (1398-1450)

On Dec. 25, 1406 king (since 1390) Henry III the Sufferer (b. 1379) dies, and his infant son John (Juan) II (1405-54) becomes Trastamara king #4 of Castile and Leon (until 1454) under the regency of his mother Catherine of Lancaster (daughter of John of Gaunt) and his uncle Ferdinand I the Just of Aragon (1380-1416) after the latter declines the throne; his 48-year reign is the longest in the history of the Trastamara Dynasty; Castilian poet Inigo Lopez (Íñigo López) de Mendoza y de la Vega, Marquis of Santillana (1398-1450) goes on to thrive during John II's reign, adapting the humanism of Dante Alighieri (1265-1321), Petrarch (1304-74), and Giovanni Boccaccio (1313-75) to the stifling orthodox Roman Catholic atmosphere of Spain.

Henry IV the Impotent of Castile (1425-74)

On July 20, 1454 king (since 1406) John (Juan) II (b. 1405) dies after a 48-year reign, during which he spent most of his time in amusements while forcing Jews to wear distinctive clothing and keeping them out of the govt., but otherwise letting his kingdom slide, and is succeeded by his equally weak son Henry (Enrique) IV (the Impotent) (the Spendthrift) (1425-74) as king of Castile (until 1474), who follows daddy's example and lets his kingdom continue its decline and decentralization; his 1st wife (since 1440) Blanca (Blanche) II of Navarre (1420-64), whom he divorced after 13 years of marriage in 1453 after having her examined to prove that she's still a virgin while he gets the hos of Segovia to testify that he's not impotent, and sends home (after which her family imprisons her, and she mysteriously dies in 1464) out of the way, he marries Portuguese infanta Juana (Joanna) of Portugal (1439-75), (son of Duarte the Eloquent) next year.

Ferdinand II the Catholic of Aragon (1452-1516) Isabella I the Catholic of Castile (1451-1504) Ferdinand II of Aragon (1452-1516) and Isabella I of Castile (1451-1504) Juana la Beltraneja of Castile (1462-1530)

The final Roman Catholic V against the Muslims in Spain is owed to a king with a limp dick and/or dry nuts? On Dec. 11, 1474 Castile-Leon king (since 1454) Henry IV the Impotent (b. 1425) dies, and his half-sister Isabella I the Catholic of Castile and Leon (1451-1504) and her hubby Ferdinand II the Catholic of Aragon (1452-1516) (royal cousins, married in 1469) jointly succeed him as Ferdinand V and Isabella I of Castile and Leon (until 1504), uniting all of Spain except Moorish Granada, but not without a little War of the Castilian Succession (ends 1479), with Afonso V of Portugal supporting the claim of Henry IV's 12-y.-o. daughter (Isabel's and Afonso's niece) Juana (Joanna) la Beltraneja (1462-1530), going through with an extreme marriage with her next May 30 in Plasencia in Extremadura (W Spain); too bad, even though John IV made his nobles promise to support her as queen, not only was he a weak king, but he was known for shooting blanks, having divorced his 1st wife Blanca in 1453, leaving her a virgin after 13 years of marriage, and it is widely rumored that Juana is really the below-the-belt daughter of Beltran de la Cueva, 1st Duke of Albuquerque (1443-92) (hence her nickname La Beltraneja), which was reinforced when John's 2nd wife Juana had a love child with the nephew of Bishop Fonseca, causing him to divorce her - you're combat ineffective, do you understand me?

Boabdil with the Keys of Granada, 1492 Christopher Columbus (Cristobal Colon) (1451-1506) Tomas de Torquemada (1420-98) Isaac Abravanel (1437-1508)

On Jan. 2, 1492 the keys of Granada are surrendered to the forces of "Los Reyes Catolicos" (the Catholic Kings) Ferdinand II (1452-1516) and Isabella I (1451-1504) of Aragon and Castile by Boabdil (Muhammad XII) (1460-1533), who flees to Fez in N Africa, ending a 10-year effort by the Catholic kings, and becoming the final defeat of the Muslims in Spain, who invaded way back in 711, and were on the loser's team since the 1212 Battle of Las Navas de Tolosa, ending the Christian Reconquista of Spain (begun 722); as Boabdil and his family leave the city, they pause at El Ultimo Suspiro del Moro (The Moor's Last Sigh) Bridge to look back at the glorious Alhambra ("red fortress"), and his mother tells him, "Weep like a woman for what you could not defend like a man"; meanwhile, wasting no time, after pulling strings with wealthy Marranos (closet Jews) Luis de Santangel(o), Gabriel Sanchez, and Juan Cabrero, auburn-haired (Marrano?) (front man for a Jewish conspiracy?) Christopher Columbus (1451-1506) meets with Ferdinand II and Isabella I in the Alhambra in Granada to beg for support for his proposed expedition to Cathay via the new improved westward ho route, promising to bring back gold and silver to finance an expedition to reclaim the Holy Land for Dear Christ, but they don't go for it, and he finally gives up and starts back for France to give their king the chance to become the next rich and admired Christian hero, but Isabella she-ain't-called-the-Catholic-for-nothing changes her mind at the last minute and sends messengers to stop him at the Bridge of Pinos, and they sign an agreement on Apr. 17, and the rest is, er, history, the Spanish and Portuguese divvied America up and began systematically raping and plundering it blind, filling up fleets of treasure ships that spoiled them and ultimately made them lose the Space Race to the English, who started out as pirates, then took over North America - now America's ass is grass and whitey's got the lawnmower? Two, two, two expulsions in one, or, You must really try these strawberries and blueberries, we can take care of you wandering Jews? On Feb. 1, 1492 Spanish inquisitor-gen. Tomas de Torquemada (1420-98) gives Spanish Jews 3 mo. to accept Roman Catholic Christinsanity, er, Christinanity, er, Christianity or leave the country, and when they prove stiff-necked like always, on May 1 (Omer 19) Catholic Kings Ferdinand II and Isabella I order the Expulsion of the Spanish Jews, incl. all 250K non-converted Swine from Spain (50K families); after frantically trying to get something of value for their possessions (exchanging a house for an ass, a vineyard for a piece of cloth, etc.), and swallowing their gold and silver coins before going through custom posts, the last boatload leaves on Aug. 3; the ban on Jews is not lifted until 1968; Portuguese-born Jewish royal adviser Isaac Abravanel (1437-1508) is expelled; a massive number of Sephardic Jews migrate to N Africa, where they find themselves more educated, connected, and sophisticated than the Muslims, finding toleration and moving into govt. positions, which ends up stretching Muslim tolerance; many emigrate to the Ottoman Empire, where Sultan Beyazid II welcomes them into Constantinople, Izmir, Salonika, and other cities in Anatolia, the Balkans and Arab lands; others emigrate to England and Am. - no shortage of bankers, doctors, and lawyers now?

Charles I of Spain (HRE Charles V) (1500-58) Joanna (Juana) the Mad of Castile (1479-1555)

On Jan. 23, 1516 Castilian king (since 1474) Ferdinand II of Aragon (Ferdinand V of Castile and Leon) (b. 1452) dies, and in Mar. his 16-.y.-o. grandson Charles of Burgundy (future HRE Charles V) is crowned Charles (Carlos) I of Spain (1500-58) (until 1556), founding the Spanish Hapsburg (Habsburg) Dynasty; his mother Joanna (Juana) the Mad (1479-1555) becomes nominal joint ruler of Castile, even though she spends the rest of her life in the castle of Tordesillas doing who knows what with her hubby's remains.

Philip II of Spain (1527-98) HRE Ferdinand I (1503-64)

In Jan. 1556 after his brother Ferdinand I's work at Augsburg restores good relations, which had grown icy after he designated the imperial crown for his Valladolid-born Hapsburg son Philip II (1527-98) instead of him, gout-suffering HRE Charles V (Charles I of Spain) gets religion and officially abdicates at Brussels, designating Ferdinand I as king of Germany (reserving his title of HRE until 1558) and Philip II as "Most Catholic King" of Spain, although his "advice" remains a command; the war with France continues; Charles V retires to a luxurious life in the monastery of Yuste N of the Tagus Valley as a private individual not a monk, with 150 attendants (who are forever busy digging up fishy delicacies for his table), giving official control of the Hapsburg lands to Ferdinand I, while Philip II gets Spain, its overseas colonies, the Spanish islands in the Mediterranean (incl. Sicily), the Italian possessions (incl. Naples, Milan), Franche-Comte, and the Netherlands, causing speculation that there will be a winner-take-all war later; daddy "advises" Philip II to be "cutting out the root of heresy with rigor and rude chastisement", causing him to order the duke of Alva to give up his attacks on the Papal States in the Italian campaign so he can go toast some Dutch butt; Philip II speaks only Spanish but now rules the Netherlands along with his 2nd wife Bloody Mary Tudor of England, and reenacts Charles V's Edict of 1550, beginning "the longest, the darkest, the bloodiest, the most important episode in the history of the religious reformation in Europe"; he appoints inquisitor-gens. who send out a dozen inquisition officers throughout the Netherlands (Peter Titelmann et al.) to arrest people and burn them at the stake for offenses incl. reading the Bible, joking as they writhe in the flames - yes I've seen it before, just little bits of history repeating? In Mar. 1558 HRE Charles V (b. 1500) formally abdicates at the Monastery of Yuste in Spain, then dies on Sept. 21; he recognizes his illegitimate son Don Juan of Austria (b. 1547) in his will, and entrusts him to the care of Philip II, who grants him the rank of a prince of the House of Austria with a residence in Madrid next year; on ? handsome goateed Ferdinand I (1503-64) is crowned HRE in Frankfurt (until 1564), working to effect a Catholic-Protestant reunion, which ultimately flops because of his insistence that bishops retain their secular authority.

My Future's So Bright I Need to Wear Shades 'Armada Portrait of Elizabeth I', 1588 Don Alonso de Guzman el Bueno, Duke of Medina Sidonia (1550-1610)

It's getting to be a habit with me? Another big V for Protestantism? The future of the English is so bright they need to wear shades? In Feb. 1588 the Marquis of Santa Cruz dies, and is replaced by Don Alonso de Guzman el Bueno, Duke of Medina-Sidonia (1550-1610) as cmdr. of the Invincible Spanish Armada (130 galleon ships carrying 19K-27K men), whose plan is to land in Sandwich-Deal and support an invasion of England through Kent by the Duke of Parma's professional soldiers coming from Flanders (reinforced through the Spanish Road from N Italy), capturing it for the Roman Catholic faith, with exiled English Cardinal William Allen (1522-94) waiting in the wings; it sets sail from Lisbon on May 30, the very day that peace commissioners sent by both sides meet in Parma; after stopping at Corunna for supplies, it sets sail again, then is scattered by a storm from the Bay of Biscay; in early July it leaves La Coruna; on July 19 it is sighted off the Lizard Peninsula by the 197-ship English navy (34 royal warships, 163 armed merchant vessels); on July 21 there is a skirmish off Eddystone, Plymouth, and another on July 23 off Portland, Dorset; on July 27 the Armada anchors off Gravelines between France and Spanish Netherlands to await for communications from Parma's army, the stench from its filthy galleys rowed by slaves chained to their benches carrying for miles on the wind; on July 28-29 (Aug. 7-8 New Style) (Sun.-Mon.) English "hell-burners" (fire ships) are sent into the 130-ship (22 galleon and 108 armed merchant vessels) Spanish Armada (known for its powerful crescent formation) at the Battle of Gravelines, causing it to break ranks, after which it is defeated by the English guns at close quarters, losing five ships, with the rest badly damaged, and 600 killed, 800 wounded, and 397 POWs taken; it then makes for Scotland without Parma's army, where it is broken up by a great "Protestant wind" off the coast on July 30, then forced onto the N and W Irish coasts, where 24+ ships are wrecked; the Spanish warship La Girona fires a broadside at the Chimney Tops in the Giant's Causeway on the N coast of Ireland (60 mi. NW of Belfast) after believing them to be an enemy fortress; on Aug. 9 (Aug. 19 New Style) glammed and glowing Elizabeth I rides down to Ft. Tilbury in Essex to cheer up the troops and see the Armada, and rides out with a 6-man bodyguard, giving her big Tilbury Speech while mounted on a grey gelding and dressed in white with a silver cuirass (metal breastplate), with the immortal soundbyte "I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a king"; after waiting two more days for a possible invasion by Parma's army from Dunkirk, the English troops disperse and party hearty; meanwhile the remaining 53 intact Spanish ships, having lost two-thirds of their men (15K-20K of the 11K sailors and 19K soldiers) straggle back to Spain by Oct. 14; the English lose eight ships, 50-100 killed, and 400 wounded, although 6K-8K later die of disease; Drake's co-admirals Martin Frobisher and John Hawkins are knighted for their role in the big British V; Elizabeth I hands out medals with the inscription "God breathed and they were scattered"; 10K English troops were equipped with firearms as an experiment, while the Spanish relied on archers, and the English success convinces military experts to give up on archery; the Armada Portrait of Elizabeth I, by an unknown artist shows her resting her hand on a globe over America; British sea supremacy begins, along with increasing nationalism in England, helping secure Protestantism as England's state religion, and being white and not olive-skinned or some other shade of red, brown or black as the metareligion; Spain's officer class is wiped out, the Duke of Medina-Sidonia never recovers from the humiliation, the Duke of Parma's rep. remains under a cloud, but the Spanish keep hoping for a miracle from God to defeat the infidels, sending four more armadas until 1601; the Dutch are greatly helped in their battle for independence from the Spanish, going on to clear them from the territories of the Seven United Provinces by the end of the cent.

Philip III of Spain and Portugal (1578-1621) Francisco Gomez de Sandoval y Rojas, Duke of Lerma (1553-1625)

On Sept. 13, 1598 to the great relief of the English and the Huguenots, after 50 days of intense pain Spanish king (since 1556) Philip II (b. 1527) dies, covered with stinking, putrefying sores and with a lead coffin placed by his orders at his bedside, and his 20-y.-o. son Philip III (1578-1621) becomes king of Spain, plus (as Philip II) king of Portugal, Naples, Sicily, and the Netherlands; a weak pious whimp, he entrusts the conduct of public affairs to Francisco Gomez de Sandoval y Rojas, Duke of Lerma (1553-1625) while he has fun with religious observances and court festivities and stays away from realities; meanwhile his ministers try to get Spain out of the European wars while it licks its stinking, putrefying wounds; the glory of Spain is never again what it once was, but the Spanish do a good job of hiding it for some time because it's only been a cent. since Columbus?

Philip IV of Spain (1605-65) Gaspar de Guzman, Duke of Olivares (1587-1645)

On Mar. 31, 1621 Spanish king (since 1598) Philip III (b. 1578) dies in Madrid, and his son Philip (Felipe) IV (1605-65) succeeds him as king of Spain, Naples, Sicily and Netherlands, becoming as weak a king as his daddy, soon appointing Gaspar de Guzman y Pimentel, Count of Olivares and Duke of Sanlucar (1587-1645) as Spain's first PM, relinquishing rule to him; Olivar goes on to reform the court and reverse the no-war policy of Spain, which is too late to stop Spain's decline; meanwhile carefree Philip becomes a patron of the arts, backing painter Diego Velazquez (1599-1660), dramatist Lope de Vega (1562-1635), poet Pedro Calderon de la Barca (1600-81) et al. in a desperate attempt to keep up with the heretic English?

Charles II of Spain (1661-1700)

On Sept. 17, 1665 Spanish king (since 1621) Philip IV (b. 1605) dies, leaving the Spanish Empire at its zenith at 3B acres, and his Hapsburg-inbred 4-y.-o. son Charles II (1661-1700) becomes king of Spain, Naples, and Sicily, with his mother Mariana of Austria as regent, growing up to become mentally-retarded and sterile, and becoming the last of the Spanish Hapsburgs.

Philip V of Spain (1683-1746)

On Mar. 13/25, 1700 the Second Treaty of Partition revamps the Spanish succession, giving Spain and the Indies to Archduke Charles, Naples, Sicily and the Duchy of Lorraine to the French dauphin, and Milan to the duke of Lorraine, with the two branches of the house of Hapsburg stipulated to forever remain separate; Charles II of Spain signs a new will making Louis XIV's grandson Philip V, duke of Anjou his heir. On Sept. 27, 1700 Pope (since 1691) Innocent XII (b. 1615) dies after advising retarded king Charles II of Spain to make Louis XIV's blonde grandson (great-grandson of Philip IV of Spain) Philip (Felipe) V, Duke of Anjou (1683-1746) his testamentary successor, and on Nov. 1 Charles II (b. 1661) dies, ending the line of the Spanish Hapsburgs, and Louis XIV of France accepts the Spanish throne for Philip V, founding the Spanish House of Bourbon, but the Austrians want Spain to remain Hapsburg, and back Hapsburg Archduke Charles (later HRE Charles VI), which leads next year to the 13-year War of the Spanish Succession (ends 1713). You get this, I get that, now who wants lemonade? On Apr. 13, 1713 the Treaty (Peace) of Utrecht, signed by France on the one hand and England, Holland, Prussia, Savoy and Portugal on the other, followed by more treaties signed on July 13 between Spain and England, and more on Aug. 13 between Spain and Savoy (and more in 1714 and 1715), all concluded by Viscount Bolingbroke against the wishes of nearly the entire English nation ends Louis XIV's wars, Queen Anne's War (Second War of the Grand Alliance) (begun 1701), and the War of the Spanish Succession (begun 1700), with the uniting of France and Spain under one king permanently forbidden, and the whole idea being to check France's ambitions by pumping up Ahnuld, er, Austria and Holland on its N, Prussia on its E, and Savoy on its SE, launching the inevitable process of unification of Germany and Italy in the 19th cent., while freeing England for fast commercial expansion; it recognizes the Protestant succession in England, the title of Philip V as king of Spain and the Spanish colonies, and cedes from Spain the Spanish Netherlands (that part which had belonged to the Hapsburgs), and cedes Minorca and Gibraltar to England, along with Hudson Bay, Nova Scotia (Acadia), Newfoundland, and St. Christopher (Kitts) and Nevis, allowing France to retain Quebec; Port Royal is renamed Annapolis Royal in honor of Queen Anne, and remains capital of Nova Scotia until 1750; Prussia receives recognition of the royal title and possession of Neuchatel and the upper quarter of Gueldres, while its claim to the principality of Orange on the Rhone River (which gives its name to the Dutch royal line) is ceded to France; Portugal receives expanded boundaries in South Am.; Sicily is separated from Naples and given to Savoy (until 1720), along with territory in upper Italy in return for renouncing its claims on Spain, reserving the right of inheritance in case the House of Bourbon should become extinct; Count Wirich Philipp von Daun becomes the first Austrian viceroy of Naples. the Iroquois are recognized as British subjects; Britain obtains the asiento (monopoly of slave trade) with Spanish possessions for 30 years; France gains the college town of Douai; England emerges ascendant on the sea over France and the Netherlands, and Euro politics becomes all about Anglo-French and Austrian-Prussian rivalry, with Russia, Spain, Holland, Sweden, and the smaller German states playing both sides.

Ferdinand VI of Spain (1713-59)

On July 9, 1746 Spanish king (since 1700) Philip V (b. 1683) dies, leaving Spain stripped of its European possessions incl. Gibraltar and Minorca, and is succeeded by his son Ferdinand VI (1713-59), YAMK (yet another mad king), who becomes Spanish Bourbon king #2 (until 1759), going on to plan and build the royal city of Aranjuez 26 mi. SSE of Madrid on the site of the ancient town of Ara Jovis and a royal summer palace built by HRE Philip II (1527-98); Elizabeth Farnese retires from the court.

Charles III of Spain (1716-88) Ferdinand IV of the Two Sicilies (1751-1825) Bernardo Tanucci (1698-1793)

On Aug. 10, 1759 Spanish king (since 1746) Ferdinand VI (b. 1713) dies, and his Francophile half-brother Charles III (1716-88) becomes Bourbon king #3 of Spain (until 1788), finally bringing some enlightenment to Spain, incl. French art and lit., although it doesn't penetrate too far into the people; on Oct. 6 he hands the Kingdom of the Two Sicilies (Naples and Sicily) over to his 8-y.-o. 3rd son Ferdinand IV (1751-1825) via a Pragmatic Sanction under the titles Ferdinand IV of Naples and Ferdinand III of Sicily, with Bernardo Tanucci (1698-1793), as regent, who bernards to institute tanucci liberal reforms and consider a military alliance with France - a chicken sandwich is a chicken sandwich is a chicken sandwich?

Charles IV of Spain (1748-1819)

On Dec. 14, 1788 Spanish king (since 1759) Charles III (b. 1716) dies, and his 2nd son Charles IV (1748-1819) becomes Bourbon king #4 of Spain (until 1808).

Napoleon Bonaparte of France (1769-1821)

On Sept. 18-Dec. 18, 1793 the Siege of Toulon is the first V for young 5'6" (5'2" in pieds de roi, the old French measurement system) Corsican artillery capt. Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821), who suffers from neurodermatitis (chronic nervous itching) (hence the hand tucking) (connected to the Jacobins and Robespierre), who reclaims the French fleet lost to the English and rises to the rank of brig. gen., then becomes a dictator, crowning himself emperor in 1804.

Ferdinand VII of Spain (1784-1833) Manuel de Godoy of Spain (1767-1851)

In early Mar. 1808 France invades Spain with 100K troops under the pretext of guarding its coasts against the British, and takes Barcelona and Madrid, causing a palace rev. in Aranjez and forcing the dismissal of chief minister Manuel de Godoy (1767-1851) and on Mar. 19 Spanish Bourbon king #4 (since 1788) Charles IV (1748-1819) abdicates in Aranjuez in favor of his son Prince Ferdinand, who is proclaimed Ferdinand VII (1784-1833), Spanish Bourbon king #5 (until 1833); Godoy is captured by a mob, rescued by the French, and lives the rest of his life in exile in Paris.

Isabella II of Spain (1830-1904) Don Carlos Maria of Spain (1788-1855) Don Carlos Luis of Spain (1818-61)

On June 30, 1833 Spanish king (since 1808) Ferdinand VII (b. 1784) abrogates the (Hillary-ous?) males-only Salic Law in favor of his infant daughter Isabella (the infanta or crown princess), then dies on Sept. 29, after which Isabella II (1830-1904) is proclaimed queen of Spain (until 1868), with her mother Maria Christina as regent; to bad, the Carlist Wars in Spain begin when the liberals back Isabella II while the reactionaries back Ferdinand VII's brother Don Carlos Maria (1788-1855), who at first can't actively participate since he's involved in the Portuguese civil war until next year. In 1845 Spanish pretender Don Carlos Maria resigns his claims in favor of his son Infante Don Carlos Luis (1818-61). In 1860 Don Carlos Luis and his brother Ferdinand land in Spain in an attempt to start an uprising, but it fizzles and they are captured, and Don Carlos renounces his claims; when he dies next year his youngest brother Don John (Juan) inherits his claims.

Alfonso XII of Spain (1857-85) Spanish Gen. Juan Prim y Prats (1814-70) Spanish Adm. Juan Bautista Topete y Carballo (1821-85) Spanish Marshal Francisco Serrano y Dominguez (1810-85) Spanish Gen. Leopoldo O'Donnell y Joris (1809-67) Spanish Adm. Juan Bautista Topete y Carballo (1821-85) Spanish Marshal Francisco Serrano y Dominguez (1810-85)

She's got a ticket to ride, but she don't care? On June 22, 1868 the Mutiny of San Gil in Spain sees artillery sgts. shoot their officers, causing Gen. Leopoldo O'Donnell y Joris, Count of Lucena (1809-67) to order the execution of 60 sgts., leading on Sept. 18 to the Liberal Rev. of 1868, led by adm. Juan Topete y Carballo (1821-85), marshal Francisco Serrano y Dominguez, Count of San Antonio (1810-85), and Gen. Juan Prim y Prats (1814-70); on Sept. 28 the royalists are defeated by the rebels under Serrano at the Battle of Alcholea; on Sept. 30 Isabella II (1830-1904), who succeeded her father Ferdinand VII in 1833 is forced to leave Spain for France and is declared deposed, and she abdicates in favor of her son Alfonso XII (1857-85) - who's alone at the end of the evening?

Queen Maria Christina of Spain (1858-1929) Alfonso XIII of Spain (1886-1941)

On Nov. 25, 1868 Spanish king (since 1868) Alfonso XII (b. 1857) dies, and Queen Maria Christina (1858-1929) becomes regent (until 1902) for his posth. son (born next May 17) Alfonso XIII (1886-1941), not taking an active part. In 1902 16-y.-o. Alfonxo XIII assumes rule (until Apr. 14, 1931).

Niceto Alcalá Zamora of Spain (1877-1949) Manuel Azaña Diaz of Spain (1880-1940)

Spain becomes a happy family for awhile? On Feb. 8, 1931 Spanish king (since 1886/1902) Alfonso XIII announces a restoration of the constitution, and sets elections for Mar.; on Feb. 14 Gen. Damaso Berenguer resigns; on Apr. 12 municipal elections result in an overwhelming V for the Repubs.; Repub. leader Niceto Alcala (Alcalá) Zamora y Torres (1877-1949) calls for the king's abdication; on Apr. 14 Alfonso XIII leaves Spain without abdicating, saying he wants to wait for the expression of popular sentiment; on Apr. 14 the Second Spanish Repub. is proclaimed in Eibar, Barcelona, and San Sebastien with Zamora as provisional pres.-PM; on June 28 elections give the Repub.-Socialist coalition a huge majority in the new unicameral Cortes; on Nov. 12 the assembly declares the king guilty of high treason and forbids his return to Spain, confiscating his royal property; in Oct. Zamora resigns in protest against extreme anticlerical legislation; on Dec. 9 the 1931 Spanish Constitution is adopted, completely separating church and state and nationalizing church property (confiscating $500M worth by next year), as well as giving the govt. power to nationalize public utilities, socialize estates, and expropriate private property; Zamora is elected pres. #1 (until 1936), and Manuel Azana (Azaña) Diaz (1880-1940) becomes PM #1 (until 1933); too bad that free spending causes deflation and economic depression?

Gen. Jose Sanjurjo Sacanell of Spain (1872-1936)

On Aug. 10, 1932 after being demoted from head of the civil guard to head of customs, Gen. Jose Sanjurjo Sacanell (1872-1936), a political opponent of Manuel Azana joins the Carlists in the rightist Sanjurjada Revolt in Spain, seizing Seville, but Repub. troops quickly suppress it after it fizzles in Madrid; Sacanell is captured and given a death sentence, which is commuted to life imprisonment.

Spanish Gen. Francisco Franco (1892-1975) Gen. Jose Sanjurjo Sacanell of Spain (1872-1936) Spanish Gen. Emilio Mola Vidal (1887-1937) Spanish Gen. Queipo de Llano y Sierra (1875-1951) Spanish Gen. Quiepo de Llano y Sierra (1875-1951) Loyalist Spanish Gen. Jose Miaja Menant (1878-1958) Loyalist Spanish Gen. Jose Miaja Menant (1878-1958) Pablo Neruda (1904-73) Spanish Gen. Emilio Mola Vidal (1887-1937)

Spain turns into a chessboard with Hitler and Stalin making the moves, and Mussolini and Franco acting as pieces, while anti-fascists from all over the world try to get in the game? On Jan. 6, 1936 the Spanish Cortes is dissolved, and elections are scheduled for Feb.; meanwhile in Jan. Germany signs contracts to buy the output of Spanish mines for use in their military machine, and after the new Spanish govt. cancels them in Feb., pissed-off Hitler begins plotting with Gens. Jose Sanjurjo and Francisco Paulino Hermenegildo Teodulo (Teódulo) Franco y Bahamonde, Salgado y Pardo de Andrade (1892-1975) to overthrow them, meeting with them in Berlin in Mar., after which in Dec. Germany receives its first iron ore shipments from Spanish Morocco, followed by 1M tons of iron, tin, antimony, copper and ignite by the end of 1939, giving him the resources to take over Europe; meanwhile Britain refuses to help France fight Spain because of their longtime rivalry. On July 17/18, 1936 (Fri./Sat.) the Spanish Civil War (ends 1939), a rightist revolt against the leftist Popular Front govt. begins with the revolt of the Morocco garrison under gens. Emilio Mola and Francisco Franco, spreading to army towns in Spain, incl. Cadiz, Seville, Saragossa, and Burgos, and gaining the support of the bulk of the Spanish army; Madrid is initially held by the loyalists under Gen. Jose Miaja Menant (1878-1958) (until 1937), and Barcelona under ?; on July 23 the Junta de Defensa Nacional sets up in Burgos as the seat of Franco's nationalist govt. until the capture of Madrid in 1939; Franco's hometown of El Ferrol in Galicia, NW Spain is captured by his forces soon after the war begins for a moral V; on July 20 Gen. Jose Sanjurjo (b. 1872), the leader of the rightist revolt is killed in a plane crash in Estoril, Portugal when he overloads the plane with baggage, uttering the immortal soundbyte "I need to wear proper clothes as the new caudillo of Spain"; lucky Francisco Franco becomes the new leader of the rightists, quelling rumors that he you know what to get his promotion; the war splits Europe into fascist and anti-fascist camps, with Hitler and Mussolini aiding Franco, and Stalin aiding the loyalists, who hastily organize a militia composed of workers from labor groups; the war causes Chilean poet Pablo Neruda (1904-73) to turn to Communism, while the loyalists put out a call to the Communist Internat. for volunteers, recruiting from many countries, incl. the U.S.; Mussolini sends 50K-75K volunteers to Spain along with armaments, forcing him to devalue the lira on Oct. 5 and raise taxes. Here comes the Sun, or, You're the one that I want, ooh-hoo-hoo? On Mar. 28, 1939 after Nationalist Gen. Emilio Mola Vidal (1887-1937) announces that Franco's forces are advancing on Madrid in four columns, and that a "fifth column" of sympathizers is waiting in the city (causing the phrase to catch on), loyalist-held Madrid and Valencia surrender, and the Spanish Civil War (begun 1936) ends after nearly 1M deaths, incl. 700K lost in battle, 30K executed or assassinated, and 15K killed in air raids; "Caudillo" (Spanish for Fuehrer) Franco becomes "supreme chief, responsible only before God and history", ruling with an iron hand, ending civil rights and eliminating all opposition while giving the Church and landed aristocrats all they want; on Apr. 1 the U.S. recognizes Gen. Franco's govt.; Pope Pius XII congratulates and blesses Franco's Holy V; Franco's govt. sets up special tribunals that convict hundreds of loyalist leaders, thumbing their noses at Britain and France?

In July 1942 Gen. Franco reestablishes the 1876 Spanish Cortes (abolished by Franco during the Civil War) as the supreme organ of the state, composed of 438 members (Procuradores) in 10 groupings, most of whom are appointed to office: the nat. council (103 members), the reps of the authoritarian nat. syndicates (142 members), reps of the provincial capitals and muncipalities (102 members), 13 cabinet ministers, 12 univ. heads, 6 reps of various professions, and 50 appointees of the chief of state (him).

Juan Carlos I of Spain (1938-)

On Nov. 20, 1975 after 36 years of absolutist rule (1939-75), Spain's Genalissimo Francisco Franco (b. 1892) dies, and on Nov. 22 Prince Juan Carlos Alfonso Victor Maria de Borbon, grandson of king Alfonso XIII (acting head of state since Oct. 30) becomes Juan Carlos I (1938-) of Spain (until June 19, 2014), its first king in 44 years, the crowds chanting "Viva el rey"; by the new constitution the kingship becomes hereditary again.

Felipe VI of Spain (1968-)

On June 19, 2014 76-y.-o. King Juan Carlos of Spain abdicates in favor of his 46-y.-o. son Crown Prince Felipe of Asturias, who on June 19 becomes Felipe VI (1968-), king of Spain (until ?).

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