Pope Gregory the Great (540-604) Yazdgard III of Persia (-651) St. Columbanus (543-615) Japanese Prince Shotoku (574-622) Muhammad (670-632) Black Flag of Jihad, 632 Muhammad's Tomb Caliph Abu Bakr (572-634) Caliph Omar (577-644)
Tang Gao Zu of China (566-635) Japanese Empress Jito (645-702) Bishop Isidore of Seville (560-636) Chintila of Spain (-639) Theodore of Tarsus (602-90) Empress Wu of China (625-705) Edwin of Northumbria (586-633) St. Oswald of Northumbria (605-42) Sophronius of Jerusalem (560-638)

T.L. Winslow's Seventh (7th) Century Historyscope 600-699 C.E.

© Copyright by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.

Dagobert I of the Franks (602-39) St. Arnulf of Metz (582-640) St. Ethelburga of Lyming (-647) St. Birinus (600-49) Asparukh of Bulgaria (-701) St. John Climacus (525-606) Ladder of St. John Climacus 'Ancient of Days', St. Catherine Monastery on Mount Sinai, 7th cent. Dome of the Rock, 643-92

600 610 620 630 640 650 660 670 680 690

The Seventh (7th) Century C.E. (600-699)

The 666 Antichrist Muslim v. Monk Century and the Chinese Drink Tang on the Wu Wu Wu Moon Century? India invents the zero and Persia invents the windmill, while Dark Ages Europe reaches an all-time low, inventing mental dog doo and wallowing in intellectual darkness amid battles between Christians and pagans? A great time for an Antichrist religion to arise? After all, how could a Millennium Fever sufferer, thinking his Savior should have come back a thousand times over and yet hasn't, despite his promises to "return soon", and after the apocalyptic fall of Great Rome came and went, even stand to live in the Six-Six-Six Century amid rumors of the nightmare Antichrist Muhammad, the Twin, Doubting Kid Tommy, whose madass followers shout submit or die? The Roman remnant of the Byzantines hold on against Persians, Avars, Bulgars, and worst of all, Muslims by playing Spiderman, inventing Greek Fire to fry the Saracens as they try to take Constantine's triple walls, while groveling in a political power structure resembling a baby butt facial? The Germanic Franks strive to build a Great Big Roman Catholic Wiener in a sea of heretic Arian Germanic Visigoths, while their pagan brother Germans solidify control of Britain only to face a losing battle against Christianization as the Big 666 scares them into lining up to take their baths? Meanwhile the Jews are the usual scapegoats for everybody? The Boniface Century for the Papacy? A hard century for the game of chess?

Country Leader From To
Eastern Roman Empire Maurice (-602) 582 602 Byzantine Emperor Maurice (539-602)
Papacy St. Gregory I the Great (540-604) 590 604 Pope St. Gregory I the Great (540-604)

600 - The Achoo God Bless You Year?

600 Due mainly to plague, the pop. of the Roman Empire is only 60% of its pop. in 500 C.E. Largest cities: Constantinople: 500K, Chang'an and Lyang in China, Ctesiphon in Persia, Alexandria in Egypt: 200K, Teotihuacan in Mexico: 50K; by this year there are 15M Zoroastrians, mainly in Persia; after the Muslim conquest of Persia in 656, the heat is on, and by the end of the cent. Muslim persecution shrinks their pop. to ?, and by the 21st cent. they're down to 250K. In this cent. the yearly monsoons begin to fail in Abyssinia, causing droughts and pop. decline. By the beginning of this cent. the Saxons control NW Germany as far E as the Elbe River. By the beginning of this cent. Britain is ruled by the seven pagan Anglo-Saxon kingdoms of the heptarchy incl. Kent (Jutes), Essex-Sussex-Wessex (Saxons), East Anglia-Mercia-Northumbria (Angles); the Celts still hold on, with the Picts in the Scottish Highlands from the Pentland Firth to the C plain, the Briton and Welsh refugees in Strathclyde (W Scotland between the Clyde and Derwent Rivers in modern-day Cumberland), the Ida in Bernicia (from the Tweed River to the Firth of Forth), and the Scots in Dalriada (Dalriata) (Argyllshire in W Scotland, and the islands of Jura and Islay); the genetic makeup stays the same into modern times. On Feb. 16 Pope Gregory I the Great decrees that "God bless you" is the correct response to a sneeze. Japanese empress (since 592) Suiko opens relations with the Chinese Sui court. Simhavishnu dies, and his son Mahendravarman I (-630) becomes Pallava king of Tamil Nadu, India (until 630), going on to expand the kingdom to Telugu and N Tamil, promoting the Jain faith, letters, and stone architecture while withstanding an attack by Chalukya King Pulakeshin II of Badami in the N and fighting a series of wars against the Tamil kingdoms of Chola and Panyas in the S and another in N Vengi, losing his N provinces to Pulakeshin. About this year the Battle of Catraeth (Catterick, North Yorkshire) between the Brythonic kingdom of Gododdin (Votadini) in SE Scotland and the Angles of Deira and Bernicia sees 300 picked warriors of Goddodin, who had feasted first for a year at Din Eidyn (Edinburgh) attack Catraeth against overwhelming (7x) odds, after which only one returns alive (366 go, 3 return?), later celebrated in the poem Y Gododdin. About this year Grahavarman succeeds his father Avantivarman as king of the Maukhari Dynasty in Kannauj in N India, allying with the Thanesar via marriage with Rajyashri, daughter of King Prabhakar Vardhana to fight the Malavas, causing Gauda king Shashanka in Bengal to ally with the Malavas to counter it, launching a surprise attack on Kannauj in 605, killing Grahavarman and imprisoning Rajyashri, ending the Maukhari Dynasty (founded 550). A statue of Buddha finds its way to Helgo, Sweden. Irish Celtic church missionary Columbanus refuses to attend the Council of Chalons - those long-haired pot-smoking hippies turn me off? In this cent. Jews in Visigoth Spain are forced to accept Christian baptism, making them later welcome the Muslim invasion - you all ready for this? The Arabs become great glassmakers beginning in this cent. (until the 15th cent.). In this cent. Chinese from Fukien and Kwangtong begin settling Taiwan ("beautiful island"), gradually displacing the native Malaysian aborigines of Polynesian descent, who call the island Pakan. The seafaring Taino people colonize the uninhabited S Bahamas from Hispaniola and Cuba in this cent., becoming known as the Lucayans. Cahokia near modern-day St. Louis, Mo. is founded, growing to a pop. of 40K by the 13th cent., which takes until the late 18th cent. for a U.S. city to surpass. About this time the Leopard's Kopje (pro-Shona) farming-cattle culture in South Africa in SW Zimbabwe and N Transvaal is founded, existing alongside Bantu cattle culture. The Moche Culture in N coastal Peru (founded -200) begins to decline. The Wari flourish in the Andean Highlands (until 1000). At the beginning of this cent. the Franks and the Anglo-Saxons still understand each other's Teutonic language; Anglo-Saxon (English) becomes a written language as Christian missionaries bring the Roman alphabet to Britain, supplanting their runes; in this cent. Latin begins to become a dead language. In this cent. the Witan (Witenagemot) (OE "meeting of wise men") of high-ranking nobles and clergy begins operating in Anglo-Saxon England (until 1067), having the power of choosing the king; they also introduce the custom of the reve (revé) (shire-reve) (sheriff), a head serf elected each year at Michaelmas (Sept. 29). In this cent. the seaport of Inverness (Gael. "Mouth of the River Ness") in N Scotland on Beauly Firth (largest town in the Scottish Highlands) at the mouth of the Ness River (modern-day pop. 63K) becomes a Pict stronghold. In this cent. the once-boss town of Mutina in the Po Valley of Italy is buried by a great flood and abandoned, and the new village of Cittanova ("new city") is built a few mi. to the NW between the Secchia and Panaro Rivers, becoming the city of Modena (modern-day pop. 185K). The city of Tartu in Estonia (modern-day pop. 93K) is founded as the fortress of Tarbatu, becoming Estonia's 2nd largest city after Tallinn. In this cent. the pre-Roman town of Tigguo Cobauc ("place of cave dwellings") between the Leen and Trent Rivers in Mercia, England (known for its network of artificial underground sandstone caves) 128 mi. N of London comes under the rule of Saxton chieftain Snot, causing the name to be changed to Nottingham ("home of Snot's people") (modern-day pop. 321K/1.6M). In this cent. after the Roman Catholic Church declares that young rabbits are to be considered as fish not meat and can be eaten during Lent, rabbits are first domesticated in S France. In this cent. Skellig Michael (Michael's Rock) one of the three Skellig ("splinter") islands 10 mi. off the coast of Ireland is inhabited by monks, who develop a cashless society (until 1200). In this cent. the Chinese begin producing the Dibao (Pao), the world's first printed newspaper. In this cent. breathing and accent marks begin to be used in Greek mss. The Tiberian (Western) System of Hebrew Vowel Pointing (below the line) is developed in Tiberias in this cent.; the Helali (Hillel) Codex (Hebrew ms. of the Old Testament) with Tiberian vowel points is written by an unknown Jew in Spain about this time, and is used until 1500 as a model for making copies, when it is lost. In this cent. the first records are kept of pilgrimages to Benares (Benaras), the holiest city of India on the N bank of the Ganges River 400 mi. WNW of Calcutta, where pilgrims bathe themselves from the ghats (terraced landings) to cleanse their sins; dying on the banks of the river allegedly brings salvation; the level portions of the ghats are used for funeral pyres; the city eventually houses 1K temples, incl. the holiest of all, the Bisheshwar (Golden Temple). In this cent. the black Hindu goddess Kali ("black") is first mentioned as a distinct entity as the goddess of time as in the appointed time for death, becoming the favorite of the Thuggee ("scoundrel") cult. In this cent. Polynesians discover Antarctica? In this cent. the Hindustani language begins developing in N India from Sanskrit, absorbing Muslim influence and ultimately splitting into the parallel Urdu form. Architecture: Early in this cent. the Sutton Hoo Burial Ground for East Anglian kings is founded; a 1939 dig uncovers a Beowulf-era ship with gold coins, armor, and both pagan and Christian symbols. Early in this cent. 19 Brahman, Buddhist and Jain cave temples begin to be constructed at Ellora (Verul) in Maharashtra, W India 15 mi. NW of Aurangabad (until 1300), known for their melon-capitaled amalaka columns, incl. the Brahman Dumnar Lena Temple, and the Brahman Kailasa Temple (built 750). In this cent. the oldest-known pre-Islamic Christian site in the Arabian Peninsula is built on Sir Beni Yas Island 110 mi. SW of modern-day Abu Dhabi, UAE, used by Nestorian Christians; it survives to about 750, and is rediscovered in 1992. In this cent. the town of Twynham at the confluence of the Avon and Stour Rivers in Hampshire County on the S coast of England W of the New Forest, changing its name to Christchurch, Dorset after the priory is built in 1094, going on to become a popular tourist and retirement destination in the 20th cent. Inventions: In this cent. the Vertical-Angle Windmill is invented in Persia, and used to grind grain. In this cent. Buddhist monks introduce Soy Sauce (Jap. shoyu) into Japan. In this cent. the Japanese invent the 13-stringed Koto, a zither plucked with three fingers based on the 23-string Chinese Guzheng, which is chopped in half before being brought over. In this cent. Temari Balls are invented in China for expelling demons in the "Exercising the Lions" ceremony. Nonfiction: In this cent. the Key of Truth is written by the Paulician Christian sect in Armenia, led by (Silvanus) Constantine of Mananalis, who is stoned by hit man Simeon sent by the Byzantine emperor, who then does a Saul-to-Paul and becomes their new leader and ends up a martyr also, causing the Paulicians to grow to 100K by the mid-800s - Gibbon, Ch. 54. In this cent. Senchan Torpeist writes Concogab Mar, a genealogical work, which is later lost. Novels: About this time Subandhu writes the Sanskrit fantasy romance Vasavadatta, mentioning chess. About this time the Persian romance Karnamak-i Ardeshir-i Papakan (Book of Deeds of Ardeshir, son of Papak) is written, mentioning chess. Births: Saxon Christian bishop (St.) Birinus (d. 649) in France. Indian mathematician Bhaskara I (d. 680) in Kerala; Nambudiri Brahmin parents; first to use Hindu numerals with zero. Deaths: Italian Latin poet (in Gaul) Fortunatus (b. 530).

601 - The St. Isidore of Seville Year?

Bishop Isidore of Seville (560-636)

601 There is an earthquake in Bairrche in the Mourne Mts. of Ireland. On Mar. 13 Leander of Seville (b. 534) dies, and his learned brother (most learned scholar of his time) (St.) Isidore (Gr. "gift of Isis") of Seville (560-636) becomes archbishop of Seville. The Byzantines under Gen. Briscus defeat the Avars at the Battle of Viminacium (modern-day Kostolac in Serbia), and push them back to the Tisza River. New Byzantine emperor Phocas starts off on the wrong foot by losing Padua in N Italy to Lombard king Ailulf, who had cut it off from Ravenna in 592 and takes it after a 12-year siege, causing the survivors to flee to the hills, while the nobles flee to Laguna; this in turn cuts off Mantua, which he takes by the end of next year; Padua takes cents. to recover - did they tame the shrew? Reccared I dies, and his Orthodox Christian son Liuva II (585-603) becomes Visigoth king of Spain (until 603); meanwhile the Arians plot a comeback. Pope Gregory I sends a group of clergy from Rome to Kent to assist St. Augustine in converting the Anglo-Saxon pagans, incl. St. Paulinus of York (-644) (first bishop of York in 626-33) and St. Mellitus (-624) (first bishop of London in 604-16); on June 17 he writes Mellitus the Epistola ad Mellitum, instructing him to convert the Anglo-Saxons gradually, not destroying pagan temples but converting them to Christian churches while integrating pagan rituals and customs, "For there is no doubt that it is impossible to cut off every thing at once from their rude natures; because he who endeavours to ascend to the highest place rises by degrees or steps, and not by leaps." Births: Frankish king Sigebert II (d. 613); bastard son of Theuderic II. Arab Muslim rashidun caliph #4 and Shiite imam #1 (656-61) Ali (Arab. "the greatest") ibn Abi Talib (d. 661) on Sept. 15 (13 Rajab 21 BH) in Mecca (only person born in the Qaaba?); son of Abu Talib ibn Abd al-Muttalib and Fatima bint Asad; nephew, adopted son, and son-in-law of Prophet Muhammad (570-632), who are both raised in Abu Talib's house; husband of Fatima Zahra (606-33) (daughter of Muhammad); father of Hasan (625-69) and Husayn (Hussein) (626-80). Deaths: Spanish archbishop (of Seville) Leander (b. 534) on Mar. 13.

602 - The Kodak Moment Easter Egg Bearded Phocas Year?

Byzantine Emperor Phocas (547-610)

602 In the spring Arian Visigoth Witteric (-610) takes an army meant to fight the Byzantines and instead invades the royal palace of Orthodox Christian Spanish king Liuva II, captures him and cuts off his right hand, then has him executed next summer, becoming Visigoth king of Spain (until 610). After stingy emperor (since 582) Maurice (b. 539) jerks his Balkan army around by refusing to pay ransom for POWs and making them winter on the N side of the Danube River, ordering them to attack while withholding wages, Byzantine gen. (lt.?) Phocas (Phokas) leads an army revolt on the Danube River, marching to Constantinople, causing a popular insurrection in the city led by the Greens, collapses the govt. within 1 mo. and deposing Maurice, who flees to Nicomedia but is captured and executed along with his six sons and supporters on Nov. 27 (Nov. 23?); in Nov. Phocas is crowned Roman Byzantine emperor #109 Phocas (Phokas) (Gr. "a seal") (Flavius Phocas Augustus) (547-610) (until Oct. 5, 610), and proves totally incompetent but too cruel to be kind, the execution of Khosrau II's patron provoking a devastating Byzantine-Sasanian War of 602-8 with Persia that weakens both empires and softens them up for the Muslims; he becomes the first Byzantine emperor to break the old Roman tradition of being clean-shaven, sporting a beard - the Hadrian of the East? Pope St. Gregory I the Great writes an epistle to the faithful to avoid "following the perfidy of the Jews" by observing the Sabbath on Saturday; it's okay for the Anglo-Saxons to keep their pagan Easter (named after the Anglo-Saxon spring goddess Eostre or Ostara) eggs as long as they are recast in PC Christian terms, with no mention of Ostara changing her pet bird into a rabbit, Osterhase, which lays brightly colored eggs to give to kids to symbolize fertility; instead, since eggs are forbidden for the 40 days of Lent preceding Easter, think of it as a diet breaker?; since Easter is the season for baptisms, and converts wear brand-new white robes to symbolize their rebirth, it becomes popular to take a long walk in one's new clothes after Easter Mass? Births: Italian Lombard king (616-26) Adaloald (d. 626); son of Agilulf and Theodelinda. Frankish Merovingian king (623-39) Dagobert I (d. 639); father of Clovis II (637-58). Chinese "Journey to the West" Buddhist monk-scholar-traveler Xuanzang (Huan-tsang) (Hiuen Tang) (d. 664) in Henan Province. Arab Muslim caliph #5 (661-80) (founder of the Umayyad Dynasty) Muawiya (Muawiyah) (Mu'awia) (Mu'awiya) (Moawiya) (Arab. "proclaiming the unity of God") ibn Abi Sufyan (d. 680); of the Banu Abd-Shams clan of the Quraysh tribe; son of Abu Sufyan ibn Harb (560-650), an enemy of Muhammad until he conquers Mecca in 630 (and shows him the money?); father of Yazid I (645-83). Greek-born archbishop of Canterbury #8 (668-90) (St.) Theodore of Tarsus (d. 690) in Tarsus, Cilicia; captured by the Persians at age 11-12, then studies in Antioch; first all-Anglo-Saxon archbishop; feast day: Sept. 19. Deaths: Byzantine emperor (582-602) Maurice (b. 539) on Nov. 27 (Nov. 23) in Constantinople (executed). Christian Lakhmid Arab (last) king al-Numan.

603 - The Iron Crown of Lombardy Year?

Prince Shotoku of Japan (574-622) Iron Crown of Lombardy

603 After pussy-whipper Lombard queen Theodelinda flip-flops from Arianism to Athanasian Roman Catholicism, her hubby-king (since 591) Agilulf (b. 616) follows suit, and has his son Adaloald baptized, building the basilica of Monza Cathedral in the Lombard capital of Monza, on the Lambro River 5 mi. NNE of Milan to hold the Iron Crown of Lombardy (Corona Ferrea), allegedly beaten out of one of the nails used in Christ's crucifixion; Agilulf goes on to makes a breakthrough with Pope Gregory I, becoming friendly with the Roman Catholic Church and causing Gregory to block an Italian conspiracy against the Lombards, thus becoming the true founder of the Roman Catholic Lombard state. The assassination of Maurice gives Persian Shah Khosrau II an excuse to declare war against Constantinople, starting the Sixth Byzantine-Persian War (ends 629), defeating Phocas' forces then invading Armenia and Syria and ravaging Cappadocia, capturing many Byzantine cities, incl. Dara and Amida (by 606). The Dalriada Scots (Gaels) under Aedan mac Gabrain raid twice into Bernician territory, and Aethelfrith repulses them with a smaller force at the Battle of Theakstone and the Battle of Degsastan in Dawstane in modern-day Liddesdale, Scotland, kicking their butts so badly that they don't attack again for many years, while confirming Bernician control of the Solway Plain; Aethelfrith's brother Theobald is KIA at the Battle of Degsastan. Augustine of Kent holds a conference with Celtic Church bishops to talk about merging their rites and ceremonies with Rome, but his haughty bearing pisses them off and negotiations end. Columbanus is charged by a synod of Frankish bishops with the error of keeping Easter according to Celtic custom; meanwhile, the Celtic Church orders him to return to Ireland to answer for accepting other Roman Catholic rules, but he refuses to go and writes them a letter instead. Japanese regent prince Shotoku (574-622) establishes a Confucian-style centralized govt. with the Twelve-Level Cap and Rank System, followed next year by the 17-article First Japanese Constitution, patronizing Buddhism as the state religion, causing Shotoku to become the center of a Buddhist cult. Births: Arab Muslim scholar Abu Hurairah (Horaira) (Arab. "father of the kitten") (Abd al-Rahman ibn Sakhr Al-Azdi) (d. 681) in Baha, Yemen; companion of Muhammad and narrator of hadith.

604 - The Rochester Cathedral Year?

Pope Sabinianus (-606) Sui Yang Di of China (569-618)

604 On Mar. 12 Pope (since 590) Gregory I the Great (b. 540) dies, and on Sept. 13 Pope (#65) Sabinianus (Sabinian) (-606) is elected; on May 26 Gregory's favorite missionary Augustine of Canterbury also dies after turning England into a base for reform of the Frankish Church and for conversion of the remaining pagan Germans in the British Isles and the Continent. On Aug. 13 emperor (since Mar. 4, 581) Sui Wen Di (b. 541) dies, and on Apr. 11 his 2nd son Sui Yang Di (Yang Guang) (Amo) (569-618) (AKA Emperor Ming) (original name Yang Ying, which is changed when the oracles nix it) becomes Sui emperor #2 of China (until Apr. 11, 618), going on to open relations with Japan and build China's first Grand Canal between the Yellow (Huang Ho) and Yangtze Rivers (20x the length of the Panama Canal?) with 2M workers (finished 610), and also rebuild the Great Wall at the cost of 6M insect worker lives, and the capital Luoyang with another 2M; his three expeditions to Korea each take 1M soldiers, so no wonder the tyrant leaves the empire bankrupt and in revolt. On Dec. 25 the Battle of Etampes (Stampae) sees Burgundy defeat Neustria after each side massacres many of the other side - as a Christmas gift The Slavs begin settling around Constantinople. The joint high kings of Tara in Ireland are assassinated; Aed Saine (aed Mac Diarmato), son of Diarmait mac Cerbaill of the Southern U Nuill dies; his descendants become known as the Sil nAedo Slaine (seed of Aed Slaine), becoming kings of the petty kingdom of Brega (Gael. "Magh Breagh" = fine plain) N of Dublin bounded on the S by the Liffey River and on the N by the Sliabh Breagha hills in modern-day S County Louth, which incl. the Hill of Tara near the Boyne River in modern-day County Meath, where the high kings of Ireland are proclaimed on the Lia Fail (Stone of Destiny); the N part is called Knowth. St. Augustine consecrates Mellitus (-624) as bishop #1 of the Anglo-Saxon kingdom of the East Saxons after he converts king Saeberht (Saberht) (Saebert) of Esse (-616) to Christianity, and with help from his overlord King Aethelberht of Kent they build a church in London dedicated to St. Paul as Mellitus' new seat, becoming the start of St. Paul's Cathedral; Pope (since 590) Gregory I dies on Mar. 12, and St. Augustine (b. ?) dies in Canterbury on May 26. Architecture: Bishop Justus founds Rochester Cathedral in Kent, England, becoming the 2nd oldest in England after Canterbury. Deaths: Roman pope (590-604) St. Gregory I the Great (b. 540) on Mar. 12. Chinese Sui emperor #1 (580-604) Sui Wen Di (b. 541) on Aug. 13 in Baoji. Roman-born English archbishop St. Augustine (d. ?) on May 26 in Canterbury.

Anji Bridge, 605

605 Lombard king Agilulf is recognized by Byzantine emperor Phocas, who pays him a tribute and cedes Orvieto and other towns. Lothair II of Neustria invades Burgundy and unsuccessfully tries to subdue the kingdom of his cousin Theuderic II. Archbishop Laurentius writes to the British and Irish over their nonconformance to solar-based Roman Catholic Easter calculations. Aethelfrith (-606), king of Bernicia (since 593) extends his rule over Deira, uniting the two Anglo-Saxon kingdoms in N England, founding the Kingdom of Northumbria, extending from the Humber River in the S to the Forth River in the N. Aidan Mac Gabrain dies, and his son Kenneth ("handsome", "sprung from fire") I (Cineadh Cerr) (the Left-Handed) (d. 606) becomes king #6 of the Dalriada Scots of W Scotland. Architecture: The Anji (Zhaozhou) Great Stone Bridge over the Xiaohe River in Zhao County, Hebel Province, China (begun 595) is finished, becoming the world's oldest segmented arch bridge, and oldest Chinese bridge surviving to modern times; Europe doesn't build one until the 14th cent. Births: English Christian king of Northumbria (634-42) (St.) Oswald (d. 642) in Deira, Northumbria.; son of Aethelfrith (-616). Irish bishop of Lindisfarne (661-4) (St.) Colman of Lindisfarne (Mayo) (d. 675) in Connacht. Deaths: Byzantine empress Constantina (b. 560) in Constantinople.

606 - The Harshavardhana Year?

Emperor Harshavardhana of India (590-647) Harsha Empire St. John Climacus (525-606) Ladder of St. John Climacus 'Ancient of Days', St. Catherine Monastery on Mount Sinai, 7th cent.

606 On Feb. 22 Pope Sabinianus dies. On Oct. 6 ecumenical patriarch Cyriacus of Constantinople dies. The Persians capture Resainas and recapture Dara. Vardhana (Pushyabhuti) (Pushpabhuti) Dynasty in N India (until 647), embracing Buddhism and becoming the last major Hindu monarch, going on to conquer most of the mainland except the Deccan, and revive stone sculpture and architecture; his empire encompasses N and NW India, extending E to Kamarupta and S to the Narmada River, with Kannauj in modern-day Uttar Pradesh as capital; his court becomes a cosmopolitan center for scholars and artists incl. Xuanzang. Art: About this time the encaustic (waxed pigment) icon Ancient of Days is painted in the St. Catherine Monastery in Mt. Sinai. Births: Arab Fatimid Dynasty founder (leader of the Muslim women in Paradise?) Fatima Zahra (d. 633); wife of Ali; youngest and favorite daughter (only surviving child) of Prophet Muhammad and 1st wife Lady Khadija; wife of Ali ibn Abi Talib (599-661); mother of Hasan (625-69) and Hussein (Husayn) (626-80) (leaders of the Muslim youth in Paradise?), and daughters Zaynab bint Ali, and Umm Kulthum bint Ali; has miscarriage with 3rd son Muhsin; male descendants of her sons Hasan and Hussein are given the honorific title of Sayyid ("sir"), and those claiming maternal descent are called Mirza ("son of a prince"). Deaths: Syrian monk (abbot of St. Catherine) St. John Climacus (b. 525) on Mar. 30 on Mt. Sinai; leaves Liber ad Postorem, and The Ladder of Divine Ascent (Scala [Klimax] Paradisi), about the 30 steps to religious perfection (based on the 30 years of the hidden life of Christ), which is read in monasteries on Lent.

607 - The Land of the Rising Sun Year?

Pope Boniface III (-607)

607 On Feb. 19 Pope (#66) Boniface III (-607) is elected, with Emperor Phocas bestowing the title of Universal Bishop (Pope) upon him; he dies on Nov. 12 - 66, 607: no wonder the world didn't end? On Mar. 13-Apr. 19 Halley's Comet appears. Spanish Visigoth king Witteric initiates a quadruple alliance with Agilulf of Italy, Clotaire II of Neustria, and Theudebert II of Austrasia against Theuderic II of Burgundy after the latter's sister and grandmother murder his daughter, who is also Theuderic's wife, and they fight the Battle of Narbonne. The Persians capture Edessa. Kenneth I's brother Eugenius IV (Eochaid Buide) (Eochaid the Yellow-Haired) (-626) becomes king #7 of the Dalriada Scots, launching predatory raids on neighboring territories. Ceolwulf fights the South Saxons. Aethelfrith of Northumbria defeats the Britons under Brocmail. Tibet is politically unified. After receiving an invitation from new Chinese emperor Yang Di, Prince Shotoku of Japan sends a mission led by Ono no Imoko, complete with boarding students and a message containing the first known reference to Japan as "the Land of the Rising Sun" (Nihon). Architecture: The Horiuji Pagoda near Nara, Japan is built by Koreans. Births: Spanish archbishop (St.) Ildefonso of Toledo (d. 667) in Toledo.

608 - The All Saints Day Year?

Pope St. Boniface IV (-615) Column of Phocas, 608

608 On Aug. 25 Pope (#67) (St.) Boniface IV (-615) is elected after a 9-mo. vacancy, and is consecrated on Sept. 15, obtaining the permission of the emperor to convert the Pantheon (rebuilt by Emperor Hadrian in 118-128) into a church, St. Maria Rotunda ad Martyrs, becoming the first pagan church in Rome converted to a Christian church, instituting All Saints Day on Nov. 1. The Persians overrun Syria and Mesopotamia, advancing through Anatolia as far as Chalcedon. Arthurius (Arthur) (-632), son of Aidan Mac Gabrain becomes the (rival? phantom?) 8th king of the Dalriada Scots or Picts or whatever. Architecture: The Column of Phocas is erected, becoming the last addition to the Forum in Rome. Births: French monk-abbot (St.) Philibert of Jumieges (Jumièges) (d. 684) in Gascony; feast day: Aug. 20; namesake of the filbert.

609 The Arabs defeat a Persian Sassanian army at the Battle of Dhi Qar in S Iraq. Antioch Patriarch Anastasios (Gr. "resurrection") II is lynched by Jews angry over his attempt to convert them to Christianity - he better be right about being resurrected? The Pantheon in Rome is dedicated to the Virgin Mary and All Martyrs.

610 - The Are You Sick of Tin Foil Sticking to your Food Satan Gets Jets Year of Kill? The I'm Satan, and I Got An Idea, Let's Sick the Arabs on the Jews and Their Bastard Brood the Christians Year? A Hellbender is what variety of animal?

Satan, the Big Black God of Hate and Kill puts one over on an ignorant bedouin, or, It's a miracle, or, Are you psychic or just a psychiatrist? The first Holy Wrestlemania Grand Slam Pay-Per-View Event?

The religion of Satan is launched by his son Alternate Ego M, the prophet of hate and war in a lucky pocket of unconquered land run by savage male chauvinist camel drivers who escaped Christian indoctrination long enough to get dangerous? Meanwhile the rest of the world is so messed up it doesn't notice or care until the camels begin arriving at their borders and it's too late?

Byzantine Emperor Heraclius (Heraklios) I (575-641)

610 Gen. Priscus, supported by the exarch of Africa begins a conspiracy against "The Beard" (Phocas), sending an army by land which conquers Egypt, while a fleet from Carthage arrives in Constantinople and causes a popular revolt, after which the mob beheads Phocas and proclaims Heraclius (Heraklius) (Herakleios) I (575-641) (son of the African exarch) as Byzantine emperor #110 on Oct. 5 (until Feb. 11, 641), founding the Heraclian Dynasty (ends 711); he ends the use of Latin in his empire in favor of Greek; Khosrau II continues his war, taking the leading cities of Armenia and Cappadocia this year and next, while Heraclius is worrying about the Avars in the NW; Patriarch (610-38) Sergius I (-638) of Constantinople becomes his big backer, and a big promoter of Monothelitism. Witteric is assassinated during a banquet in Toledo by a group of orthodox Catholic nobles, and his body dragged through the streets; the nobles then proclaim clerical puppet Gundemar (-612) (the duke of Narboone), who becomes Visigoth king of Spain (until 612); meanwhile the orthodox bishops hold the Council of Toledo, declaring learned Toledo archbishop Isidore of Seville the primate of all of I-used-to-be-a-little-boy Roman Catholic Spain. Tassilo I dies, and his son Garibald II (-630) becomes duke of Bavaria (until 630). The Avars invade Friuli in Italy and kill Duke Gisulf. The killer in me is the killer in you? All I can say is that my life is pretty plain, but it's not sane? The things I learned, the people I met, those photos that never got on the Internet? Multiple demon-idol worshiping goes mono mono maniac, and Christianity gets its biggest problem of all time? The savviest real estate deal in history since what David did in Jerusalem? Arabian pagan polytheist Mecca caravan driver Kutam is converted by the Jews to belief in the One True God, begins to talk about it to his wife and friends, obviously hoping to become an Arabian prophet, converting them to monotheism too; since he is illiterate can't read Hebrew, Arabian, Latin, Greek, or anything else (and is too lazy to learn with all those hot ladies around?), how lucky that on Apr. 6 on the Lailat al-Qadar (Night of Power) in the 9th month called Ramadan ("to be scorched") the first surreal sura of the grab-yours-while-supplies-last 114-sura, 6,346-verse Quran (Qur'an) (Koran) (Arab. "recitation"), the final and perfect message from God to all humanity (really a fake Bible revealed to him by Satan to form an army against the true God, or the output of a secret literature factory in Arabia, probably Jew-powered, using Muhammad as their front and dummy corporation in order to mobilize the Arabs into an army to forever keep the Christians out, which got out of control?) allegedly descends whole into his soul (making him the "Seal of the Prophets", the last and final) in the dark no-sports-attire-allowed 13 ft. x 5 ft. 9 in. Hira Cave near the summit of the Mount of Light (Jabal al-Nur) near Mecca from an Arabic-speaking angel calling himself Gabriel (Jibril) (really a demon of Satan, appearing to him in the Second Annunciation (the first was to the Virgin Mary) as the Million-Dollar Man-Angel of Light after he ate some psychedelic mushrooms, or maybe a clever Jew who could throw his voice?), who ordered him three times to who ordered him three times to "Recite!" (Iqraa in Arabic), to which he kept answering that he didn't know how to read, then gave him the direct words of Allah (really Satan, appearing to him as the Million-Dollar Man-Angel of Light after he ate some psychedelic mushrooms, or maybe a clever Jew who could throw his voice?); the word Allah, which some claim is a contraction for the Arabic words "al ilah", meaning "the God", actually goes way back before Muhammad, meaning the chief god of the Big 360 in the Kaaba, and all Muhammad did was tell his followers that Allah is the only true god, and that they must dispense with the rest; the Quran starts out by calling the Jewish Bible a fraud corrupted by the Jews, claiming that claiming that Jehovah's covenant with Abraham and Isaac (father of the Jews) in Genesis Ch. 17 was really Allah's covenant with Abraham and Ishmael (father of the Arabs) (see Gen. Ch. 16), making Allah forever at war with the Jewish-Christian Bible god Jehovah, who is now the Devil who caused the Jews to corrupt the original texts and worship him instead; the hopeful message of the Bible in Genesis 22:15-18 that "By your descendants shall all the nations of the Earth bless themselves, because you have obeyed my voice" is turned dark, the Quran's version being that "There has arisen between us and you, enmity and hatred forever, unless ye believe in Allah and him alone" (Quran 60:4), and that when Abraham told his daddy "I will pray for forgiveness for you", he was not being an excellent example like when he was preaching eternal hatred, so much for a common basis for Judaism, Christianity, and Islam; Muhammad (Praiseworthy One) is the crowning finale to the line of divine teachers (prophets) from Abraham to Jesus, and Gabriel will implant the rest of the original uncorrupted gold edition of his word directly in his heart; Muhammad begins a 23-year Tour of Duty, founding a new religion, with his first converts incl. his wife Lady Khadija (Khadija) bint Khuwaylid (553-620) (Arab. "early baby", related to the Greek word "Asia", meaning East or sunrise), his cousin and son-in-law (shoulda been his successor but wasn't) Ali (Arab. "the greatest") ibn Abi Talib (601-61), freed African slave and adopted son Zeid, and admirer-friend (later father-in-law and successor) Abu Bakr (Bekr) (572-634); each of the daily prayers has its own name and extensive rules and regulations, and the Dhuhr (pronounced zuhr) midday prayer is replaced on Fridays with the Jumu'ah prayer; all Muslims must celebrate Ramadan with a month of sunrise-to-sunset (fajr-to-isa) fasting followed by Eid ul-Fitr, a pain-relief-without-messy-creams-or-jells celebration on the final day; Islam, from the Arabic word "aslama", meaning submission or surrender, and the Hebrew word "shalom", meaning peace (the true Arabic word for peace is "soth", so they later created the word salaam as a coverup); the coined word Islam is meant to mean both submission and peace, with the subliminal message of "Submit or Die", with either death or mental independence or physical death being understood as the ultimate peace; the cardinal doctrine is the total submission to Allah (who sounds suspiciously like the old Jewish god Baal AKA Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies?); the Five Pillars of Islam are Salat or Salah (public ritual prayer) (mass hypnotism?), Zakat (almsgiving), Hajj (pilgrimage to Mecca, wearing the ihram, to commemorate God's sparing of Abraham's son Ishmael), Sawm (fasting during Ramadan), and Shahada (shades of hell?), recitation of the Kalimah (Arab. "phrase") jingle "La ilaha ila Allah, Muhammada rasul Allah" ("There is no God but Allah, and Muhammad is his final prophet"); the Arabic term for a religious duty is fard; the prayer must be done in the Qiblah (Kiblah) direction (toward Mecca - don't ask what they do on a ship, plane or rocket ship), bowing your head to the floor (usually covered with a prayer mat); luckily in a land without much water, there is no requirement for baptism for members, who get to prostrate themselves on the ground (after washing up with whatever) five times a day under pain of death (can you call in sick?); since there's no way to gain eternal life through a mere change in heart, Quran 9:123 tells believers to go out and kill infidels, while screaming the voodoo words "Allahu akbar!" (Allah is not just some great god but the greatest god, the Acme, Big Daddy Rock); illiterate Muhammad never writes it down, but allegedly dictats portions to his personal scribe Zayd ibn Thabit (-644) say it until it's a habit?) under the direction of his father-in-law Abu Bakr, leaving the rest to be remembered by his followers, and not all written down until 12 years after his death; the whole Quran is around 80K words, but when repetitions are counted, there are really only about 2K words; after the first short opening sura (the fatiha), the 114 suras (surahs) or chapters are organized from longest (#2) (called Baqara meaning cow or calf) to shortest (#108) (called Kausar meaning abundance or pond), each being divided into ayas (verses) (6,236 total), the longest (#2) Sura Al-Baqara ("calf") containing 286, and the shortest (#108) Sura Al-Kausar ("abundance" or "pond") containing three, saying that Muhammad having the greatest number of followers and being the sweet pond on the day of resurrection, and how the unbelievers are bereft of all goodness; a person who memorizes the entire Quran is called a hafiz, and there by 2010 there are 10M; Sura #1 is called Sura Al-Fatiha ("the opening"), which starts out "Bismillahi r-rahmani r-rahim", or "In the name of Allah, the most gracious, the ever merciful", setting the stage for the hypnotic brainwashing repetition, since this verse starts out every one of the other surahs except John Lennon's? #9 ("repentance"), the one that kill says da infidels; Sura #114 is called Sura An-Nas (Al-Nas) ("mankind"), which goes "In the name of Allah, the most gracious, the most merciful. Say I seek refuge with the lord of mankind, the king of mankind, the god of mankind from the evil of the sneaky whisperer who whispers in the hearts of man, of the Jinn and mankind"; a Jinn is a genie a la Aladdin and His Magic Lamp; the first surah allegedly revealed to Big M was #96 (that's 69 upside down in Arabic numerals), Sura 96 Alaq ("the Clot"), which claims that God made man from a blood clot that there are two types of men, those who bow to God's will, and those pesky "lying and sinful" unbelievers who don't, for whom the "guards of Hell" are waiting, and that the unbeliever shouldn't try to deny to the believers the right to worship Allah, nor must the believers "yield" to threats from unbelievers; in the cow surah, verse 190 says "Fight in the cause of Allah those who fight you, but do not exceed the limits, for Allah doesn't love those who do", whatever limits are supposed to mean, but verse #191 clears it up a bit, saying "And slay them wherever ye find them, and drive them out of the places they drove you out if, for persecution [of Muslims by non-Muslims] is worse than slaughter [of the persecutors by Muslims]" Sura 5 Al-Maidah ("the table spread"), which respectfully calls the Jews and Christians "People of the Book" (5:19), and says that Jews are friends with Christians, but then says that Muslims are to shun them both since, one, "Infidels are those who say that Jesus, the son of Mary is God" (5:17), and of course Allah is the one and only God and has no son, trust me and be cool, oh Hell no, and two, "The Jews and Christians say 'We are God's beloved children'", but "Why then does God punish you for you sins?" (5:18); "idolaters [including Christians and Jews] are nothing but unclean, so they shall not approach the Sacred Mosque [in Mecca]" (Sura 9:28); the Quran calls Jesus Christ by the name Issa, and accepts his virgin birth and miracles, but denies that he was crucified, died and was resurrected, claiming he was raised alive to Heaven, and will return on Judgment Day to help the Muslims not Christians, because Jesus was a Muslim all along, not the Son of God or God, but a mortal fallible man like Prophet M, whose mission was to play second fiddle at best; the Quran repeats the story in Gospel of Luke 1:35 of the angel Gabriel and favorite fantasy babe Mary, but even so, it goes pornographic by changing the words "come upon" and "overshadow" in Sura 66 At-Tahrim ("prohibition") Verse 12 to "breathed in her vagina" (the Arabic word for vagina or private parts being farj - figures) - holy cunny?; Sura 12 Yusuf retells the Old Testament story of Joseph of Potiphar's wife fame, twisting it to prove that he really worshiped Allah (but really proving that their original aim was to rewrite the entire Old Testament but being Arabs they got lazy and settled?); Sura 5 al-Maidah ("the table spread") respectfully calls the Jews the "People of the Book" (5:19), and says that they are friends with Christians, but then says that Muslims are to shun them both since, one, "Infidels are those who say that Jesus, the son of Mary is God" (5:17), and of course Allah is the one and only God and has no son, and two, "The Jews and Christians say 'We are God's beloved children'", but "Why then does God punish you for you sins?" (5:18); Sura 9 At-Tawba ("the repentance") calls for resisting unbelievers to be killed (9:5); Sura 9:123 says "Oh you who believe, fight the unbelievers around you, and let them see how harsh you can be; know that Allah is with them"; Sura 9:111 promises those who "slay and are slain" paradise; Sura 4:136-7 condemns Western Muslims, er, "those who take disbelievers as allies"; Islam repeatedly teaches Muslims never to make friends with unbelievers, and over 90% of the suras make reference to how Allah hates non-Muslims and is going to torment them for eternity in Hell, while nowhere does it even permit Muslims to love them; contrast this with the Christian God: "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is Love" (1 John 4:8); Muslim honor killings, for example by a parent when a child converts to Christianity, marries without permission, has unmarried sex, or even wears immodest clothes are supported by Sura 18 Al-Kahf ("the cave"), verses 60-82, which tell the story of the journey of the Green Man Khidr with Moses, during which Khidr murders a young man for honor and then explains the holy wisdom of it, namely, that he might grow up to be an unbeliever so why wait; after conquering a territory, the Sharia (Shari'a) (Shariah) (Arab. "way, path"), an elaborate code of laws based on alleged sayings and doings of Big M is created, taking several cents. to formulate between killing sprees, incl. the Hadd Offenses, the punishment for which entails stoning, lashes, or severing of a hand; too bad, the Doctrine of Abrogation is part of the Quran, meaning that Prophet Muhammad can declare his own pronouncements null and void in later pronouncements, with the Medinan Verses following and superseding the Meccan Verses, or vice-versa, depending on what sect you talk to; "Whatever communications we abrogate or cause to be forgotten, we bring one better than it or like it. Do you not know that Allah has power over all things?" (Quran 2:106); a clearer translation is: "None of AYAT do we abrogate or cause to be forgotten, but we substitute something better or similar: Knowest thou not that Allah hath power over all things?"; in other words, not a single verse of the Quran has actually been abrogated (it's just useful for Muslim disinformation artists to soften infidels up?); the Quran isn't arranged chronologically, the verses were shuffled and rearranged with shortest first for easy memorization and nobody ever publishes a chronological edition, they would be beheaded for blasphemy probably, so it takes a lifetime of study to figure out what supersedes what, and all for nothing, since nothing supersedes anything; notice that Muslims don't publish a Quran with only Muhammad's final pronouncements, especially on violence, they publish all of them, allowing them to play both ends against the middle and take what they want then cover it up later while squatting on their territorial gains; a Muslim can't get by with just the Quran, he must also study the 17K Hadiths (Ahadith) and the Sira Rasul Allah, the Muslim biographies of Prophet M; Muslims venerate Moses and Jesus as prophets, but only Muhammad is the final and authoritative prophet, so when there is a contradiction keep your head?; Muhammad founds a zombie religion based on mass daily public hypnosis requiring abject prostration, followed by killing of hated enemies as the sure road to paradise for the happy shahids (martyrs), in direct contradiction to the Christian church, which up to now gives sainthood to those persecuted and killed by their enemies while they don't resist, and Jesus, who is known for his famous soundbyte "Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44); also, "Beware of practicing your piety before men in order to be seen by them; for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven... And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites, for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by men.... But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees in secret will reward you" (Matthew 6:1-6); and how about the Jewish Hebrew Bible?; "Happy is the one who has the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in Jehovah his God"? (Psalms 146:3-5) - at least the robotification of the masses could be seen to be a path to law and order and peace if if if everybody, and after all, there is one God, that much is sure, never mind that big black idol we'll get to that later, talk to my travel agent, and after Moses and Christ have clearly blown it, it boils down to whether you Arab brothers accept your prophet who's of your house of Ishmael or are content with their prophets who are of the house of pesky Isaac, Jacob and David? - hey, after 2K years of Moses and 600 years of Jesus Christ, so what if you can see the darker side of me, somebody help me through this nightmare, I can't control myself, isn't the world still in a big mess; try this new Islam stuff, the greatest thing since buttered bread, and try blessing father Abraham 17 times a day to qualify for your government-backed reverse mortgage? Here's how we'll establish eternal law and order, we'll make everybody a cop or sheriff (sharif) who takes an active role 24/7, where church and state are one? Inventions: Speaking of buttered bread, about this time pretzels are invented by a Christian monk in S France or N Italy, who twists leftover dough into a shape resembling arms twisted across the chest in prayer for Lent, calling it "pretiola", Latin for "little reward". Arab coins dating to this year are found near the town of Anklam in Germany near the Polish border on the Baltic Sea coast, proving a global trade. Births: Italian Lombard Arian king (662-72) and duke of Benevento (651-662) Grimoald I (d. 671); son of Duke Gisulf II of Friuli and Bavarian princess Ramhilde (daughter of Duke Garibald I of Bavaria); brother of Radoald. Spanish mean anti-Jewish Visigoth king (687-702) Egica (Egicca) (Ergica) (d. 702); son of Ariberga; son-in-law of Ervig; brother-in-law of Wamba. Deaths: Byzantine emperor (602-10) Phocas (Flavius Phocas Augustus) (b. ?).

611 The Persians sack Antioch and Beroea in Syria. Cynewulf dies, and Cynegils (d. 643) becomes king #6 of Wessex. Deaths: Irish writer Colman moccu Beognae (b. ?); leaves Aipgitir Crabaid, the earliest surviving Irish prose work.

612 The Persians capture Apameia, Emesa, and Kaisareia. Theudebert II of Austrasia dies, and his brother Theuderic (Theodoric) II (d. 613), king of Burgundy adds his title. Gundemar dies, and Sisebut (-620) becomes king of Visigoth Spain, soon issuing an edict kicking guess who's sissy butts out (Jews). Columbanus travels to Milan, and writes Treatise Against the Arians (lost). Births: Byzantine emperor (641) Constantine III (d. 641) on May 3; eldest son of Heraclius I (-641) and 1st wife Eudocia. Deaths: French-born English Christian queen St. Bertha (b. 565) in Kent.

613 - The Kiss the Cube Wise Guy or Shoot Me Every Kiss Begins With K Year? The pope's main man France finally unites while Muhammad begins his Cube Tour?

Lothair II of the Franks (-629) St. Eligius (588-659)

613 It was a long time coming, but I knew I'd see the day? Theuderic II of Austrasia-Burgundy dies in Metz while preparing a campaign against his cousin Lothair II of Neustria, and Theuderic II's bastard son Sigebert II (601-13) is proclaimed king of Austrasia-Burgundy by the nobles at a nat. assembly; too bad, Warnachar II (-627), mayor of the palace of Austrasia (612-17) and Rado (Radon), mayor of the palace of Burgundy (613-17) desert the boy after suspecting that his great-grandmother Queen Brunhilda of Austrasia will make him her puppet (messing up their own plans to make him their puppet?) (okay, she was the one who brought the kid to the assembly?), and they back Lothair II as his regent and guardian, causing Lothair to meet the old hag and young bastard on the Aisne River; after Duke Rocco, Duke Sigvald, Aletheus the Patrician et al. desert them, they flee to Orbe, where Lothair's army captures them by Lake Neuchatel, after which Sigebert and his younger brother Corbo are executed, and Brunhilda is racked for three days then quartered by four horses for funners; Lothair (Lothaire) (Lothar) (Chlothar) (Chlotaire) (Chlotachar) II (-629) becomes the first Merovingian king of all the Franks since his granddaddy Lothair II (d. 561); after the infanticide causes a revolt among the nobles, he exterminates the house of Austrasia going back to Sigibert I, although the local chieftains preserve the kingdom's identity (lose an earring in your drink?); Lothair II hires goldsmith (St.) Eligius (588-659) to make him a throne, and is so pleased he makes him master of the mint - what's it feel like, you can't even describe it huh? Momma's-good-looks wild-imagination-college-education Ultimate Prophet Muhammad begins public preaching on the streets of pagan Mecca. The Persians capture Damascus and Tarsus from the Byzantines. The Jews of Tyre form a conspiracy against the Greek empire, and ransom numerous Christians from the troops of Chosroes in order to sacrifice them. Births: Chinese Amida Pure Land School Buddhist monk Shan-tao (Shandao) (d. 681) in modern-day Zhucheng; fights to supplant the mystic Buddhism of Chi-kai. Deaths: Frankish king Sigebert II (b. 601) (executed).

614 - The Jerusalem Becomes A Persian Carpet for Jews Year?

Shroud of Turin Godzilla, 1954 Church of the Holy Sepulchre, Jerusalem True Cross Church of the Nativity Herbert Illig (1947-)

614 All the history between this year and 9/11 doesn't really exist, especially Charlemagne and the Carolingian Dynasty, because it was later made up by a conspiracy started by German Emperor Otto III and Gerbert d'Aurillac, and inserted when the Gregorian Calendar was introduced in 1582, according to German historian Herbert Illig (1947-)? The First Crusade? On Apr. 15 the Persians under Sassanid king (590-628) Khosrau (Khusro) II (-628) begin sieging Byzantine-held Jerusalem, and on May 5 after 21 days force their way within the walls, aided by the Jews, and capture the city three weeks later at the end of May after slaughtering 66,555 and or enslaving 23K Christians, which the Jews eagerly participate in, leaving them in charge when the Persians leave, increasing Christian anti-Semitism; Jerusalem Patriarch Zacharias wanted to surrender the city but a group of fanatical young Christians vetoed him because of their belief that God would save them by a miracle; they sack the city, destroying the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, and seize the True Cross of Christ as plunder, taking it to Ctesiphon along with the remaining pop., annexing all of Palestine; all the Christian bldgs. outside the city are destroyed incl. the Church of St. Stephen, the Eleona Basilica, and the Ascension Church; only the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem is spared, allegedly because its door has a mosaic depicting Persian wise men; Jerusalem briefly becomes the nat. capital of the Jewish people for the first time since the Bar Kochba Revolt in 135, reviving Jewish hopes of the return of their Messiah (until 628); the Sudarium ("sweat cloth") of Christ is allegedly taken from Palestine by Christians and carried through N Africa, arriving in Spain in 616 and becoming the Sudarium of Oviedo, known for type AB blood stains allegedly matching some on the head portion of the Shroud of Turin, the alleged burial cloth of Christ; too bad, the Christians beginning using the Temple Mount as a garbage dump, which later freaks-out Caliph Omar when he takes over the city in 637. King Cynegils of Wessex and his son Cwichelm defeat the Welsh at the Battle of Beandun (Bindun) (Bampton). China invades Korea. An episcopal see is mentioned in Wurms (Worms) on the Rhine River. Births: Arab Muslim leader ("Mother of the Believers") Aisha (Ayesha) (Arab. "the one who lives") (d. 678); daughter of Abu Bekr; wife (620-) of Muhammad (570-63). British abbess (St.) Hilda of Whitby (d. 680); nephew of King St. Edwin of Northumbria; feast day: Nov. 17.

615 - The Deusedit Papal Bullshit Year?

Pope St. Deusdedit I (-618) Cadfan of Gwynedd (580-625)

615 On May 25 Pope (since 608) St. Boniface IV dies, and on Oct. 10 Roman-born priest Adeodatus is elected Pope (#68) (St.) Deusdedit (Adeodatus) (Lat. "dedicated to God") I (-618), and is consecrated on Oct. 19, becoming the first priest to become pope since John II in 533; he goes on to reverse the practice of appointing monks to admin. positions, replacing them with priests, and ordains 14 priests, the first papal ordinations since Pope Gregory I the Great; he becomes the first to use lead seals (bullae) on papal documents, causing them to be called Papal Bulls - Deus edits my bullshit? On Oct. 8 (614?) Lothair II promulgates the Edict of Paris, a Frankish Magna Charta that reserves many rights to the Frankish nobles while excluding Jews from all civil employment for the crown and putting all literacy in the kingdom under ecclesiastical control, pleasing the nobles, from whose ranks the bishops are usually drawn. The Persians invade Anatolia and take Chalcedon, threatening Constantinople. A big V for the German invaders over the native Celts in Britain? An army led by Aethelfrith of Northumbria battles the army of the Welsh Briton Kingdom of Powys (pr. POW-iss) at the Battle of Caerllion (Chester), and defeats and kills Powys king Selyf (Gael. for Solomon) Sarffgadau (Gael. "battle serpent") (son of Cynan Garwyn), along with 1.2K of 1,250 praying monks from the monastery of Bangor-Is-Coed in Maelor "because they oppose us by their prayers", throwing the devout army offstride and making it easier to win, cutting Wales off from their British brothers in SW Scotland; king Cetula (Cadwal Crysban) of Rhose is also KIA; German invaders have now conquered two-thirds of the once all-Celtic island of Britain except for the W and NW highlands, and the Angles and Jutes reach the Irish Channel. The Turks invade China. A small group of Muslims emigrate to Abyssinia (Ethiopia). Inventions: Petroleum ("burning water") is used in Japan. Births: French abbess (of Andenne sur Meuse) (St.) Begga (Begue) of Andenne (d. 693); daughter of Pepin I of Landen (580-640) and Itta (592-652); the founder of the Beguine movement is not her but Lambert Le Begue of Liege (c. 1150)? French abbot (of St. Omer) (St.) Bertin (d. 709) near Constance. Arab Muslim gen. (youngest Muhammad ever appoints) Usamah (Osama) ("lion") bin Zayd (d. ?); son of a freed slave. Deaths: Irish Celtic St. Columbanus (b. 543) on Nov. 21 in Bobium, Lombardy (modern-day Bobbio, Italy) (killed by a Moor for insulting the Prophet Muhammad?); founded missions at Luxeuil, Gall, Wurzburg, Salzburg, Tarantum, and Bobio; leaves Monk's Rule, Community Rule, Penitential of Columban.

616 - The St. Oswald Year?

Edwin of Northumbria (586-633)

616 On Feb. 24 king (since 1589) Ethelbert of Kent (b. 552) (first English king to receive Christian baptism) dies, and is succeeded by his son Eadbald (-640) (until Jan. 20, 640), who reverts to paganism, but is reconverted in 1-8 years by Archbishop Laurentius of Kent, who convinces him to separate from his first wife because she had been his stepmother, after which he marries Frankish princess Emma (Ymma) (-642), daughter of Kng Theudebert II of Austrasia, who bears him two sons, Eormenred and Eorcenberht, and one daughter, Eanswith. The Persians give up on Constantinople and head for Egypt. The Visigoths conquer the last Byzantine possessions in Spain - you dudes got only 95 years left? Iago dies, and his son Cadfan ap Iago (580-625) becomes king of the Britons of Gwynedd in N Wales (until 625), going on to be called "the wisest and most renowned of all kings" on his gravestone - McDreamy, McSteamy, and McSexy? After attempting to bribe converted Christian king Raedwald (Redwald) (-624) of East Anglia to hand over his dynastic rival (former king of Deira) Edwin (Eadwine) (Aduini) (586-633), only to have Raedwald's wife talk him out of it and get him to raise an army instead, catching him unprepared, Aethelfrith is defeated and KIA at the Battle of the Idle River near modern-day Nottingham; Raedwald's son Raegenhere is KIA; Raedwald becomes the most powerful English king S of the Humber River; Edwin usurps the crown of Northumbria from his nephew, Aethelfrith's teenie son (St.) Oswald (605-42), who flees with his brothers Eanfrith of Bernicia (590-634) and Oswiu (Oswy) (Oswig) (612-70) to Ireland, then to Dalriada Scotland (in the W), where he is converted to Celtic Christianity by the monks of Iona; Edwin subdues all of Britain (incl. Anglesey and the Isle of Man) except Kent, assuming leadership of the heptarchy; since the supremacy of Kent is at an end, Christianization of Britain no longer proceeds from there, which is a problem, since Augustine brought the new Christianity of the continent, while the Celtics continue to practice the Christianity of the old Roman regime, which is now out of step with Rome and differs in practices and observances and looks to Constantinople's bishop as head of the church rather than the pope - I already have a boyfriend? Agilulf dies, and his son Adaloald (602-26) becomes Lombard king of Italy (until 626), with his mother Theodelinda as regent, after which the Lombards go back to their days of dozens of dizzy dukes and no real king (until 626). Nonfiction: Thomas of Harkel, Syriac Trans. of the Christian Bible. Deaths: English king of Kent (589-616) Ethelbert (b. 550) on Feb. 24.

617 - The Mayor of the Palace Year?

617 On Mar. 11 after rebels capture the capital Chang'an, Sui Yang Di (b. 569) is strangled in a coup led by gen. Li Yuan, and on Dec. 18 Gen. Li Yuan installs his puppet Sui Gong Di (Yang You) (605-19) as Sui emperor #3 (last) of China (until June 12, 618); meanwhile his brother Yang Tong claims the throne. King Lothair II is induced by palace mayors Warnachar and Rado at Bonneuil-sur-Marne (SE of Paris) to make the mayor of the palace job a lifetime appointment, causing the king to lose the ability to enact his own laws unless as a result of petitions from nobles, making the Merovingian monarchy a sick old man compared to the mayors - it's all part of a little bitty scheme? Architecture: The Benedictine Weltenburg Abbey is founded in Weltenburg (near Kelheim) on the Danube River in Bavaria, Germany by Agilius and (St.) Eustace (Eustasius) of Luxeuil (560-629), students of Columbanus, becoming the oldest monastery in Bavaria. Births: Korean Buddhist monk Wonhyo (d. 686).

618 - The Touch Of Orange China Blasts Off With Tang Year?

Tang Gao Zu of China (566-635) Tang Drink

618 On Apr. 11 after he bankrupts the empire with several military expeditions against Champa (S Vietnam), Koguryo (Goguryeo) (Korea) et al., and loses 6M workers reconstructing the Great Wall of China, a coup led by Gen. Yuwen Huaji (-619) overthrows and strangles Sui emperor #2 (since Aug. 2, 604) Yang Guang (b. 569), declaring Yang You's nephew Yang Hao (586-618), prince of Qin as emperor; on June 12 Gen. Li Yuan overthrows puppet emperor (since Dec. 18, 617) Sui Gong Di (Yang You), ending the Sui Dynasty (founded in 580), and on June 18 becomes Tang Gao Zu (Chin. "high founder") (566-635), emperor #1 (until Sept. 4, 626) of the Tang (T'ang) Dynasty (ends 906) (in which the emperors prefer orange-colored robes?), with capital in Chang'an (Changan) in Shaanxi Province near Xi'An at the E terminal of the Silk Road (founded -200); he goes on to copy Sui Wen Di and redistribute land equally, lower taxes, and reform the judicial system; on June 22 officials in Luoyang declare Yang Tong (Renjin) (604-19), prince of Yue as Sui emperor (until May 23, 619), who is then repeatedly defeated by rebels under Li Mi (Liu Zhiyuan) (Xuansui) (582-619) et al., causing him to get desperate, poison Yang Tong, and declare himself emperor, until he is captured and killed next year by agrarian rebel leader Dou Jiande (573-1621). On Nov. 8 Pope (since 615) St. Deusdedit I dies in Rome after surviving an earthquake and leprosy epidemic, and the papacy remains vacant for over a year. Yongnyu Wang dies, and Pojang Wang (-668) becomes the last king of the Koguryo Kingdom in Korea. Novels: The Chinese Tale of the White Snake appears about this time - considering what the whites have done, they're on the right track? Deaths: Chinese Sui emperor #2 (604-18) Sui Yang Di (b. 569) on Mar. 11 (strangled).

619 - Muhammad's Year of Sorrow, when he loses all protection?

Pope Boniface V (-625)

619 On May 23 after Wang Shichong seizes power, Sui emperor (since June 22, 618) yields the throne to him, ending the Sui Dynasty permanently, after which he is killed on Wang's orders. On Dec. 23 Pope (#69) Boniface V (-625) is consecrated after the start of his pontificate is delayed for 11 mo., instituting the privilege of sanctuary in churches. London bishop (since 604) Melligus becomes archbishop #3 of Canterbury (until Apr. 24, 624). The Sasanian (Sassanid) Persians capture Alexandria from the Byzantines, and Egypt comes under Persian rule (until 629), restoring the Achaemenid Empire. The Avars return to the gates of Constantinople; Emperor Heraclius I decides to flee to Africa, but is talked out of it by Patriarch Sergius. King Sisebut of Visigoth Spain writes to Adaloald, king of the Lombards, urging him to abandon Arianism and accept Trinitarianism. The provincial council of Seville is scandalized by Bishop Gregory, a Syrian, who advocates akephaloi (acephali) (clerics without a head, i.e., bishop), but Bishop Isidore of Toledo converts him to orthodoxy. While holed-up in the mountains around Mecca with his followers, going-on-50 Prophet Muhammad goes through his Year of Sorrow as his beloved uncle Abu Talib (b. 549) (his chief protector in Mecca) dies, followed by his rich wife Lady Khadija (his first convert to Islam), leaving him four children, all female (daughters of her first hubby?), Zainab, Ruqaiya (Ruqayyah), Umm Kulthum, and Fatimah, after sons Qasim (d. 605) and Abd-Allah (d. 615) died in infancy or childhood; he marries 55-y.-o. true believer widow Sawda ("black") bint Zama ibn Qayyis ibn Abd Shams in Shawwal; meanwhile the lonely prophet, "as many men do in their declining years, he developed a disagreeably strong interest in women" (H.G. Wells) (midlife crisis), and proceeds to increase his harem to a total of 11 wives, who all get the title "Mother of the Believers", because of the Quran verse "The Prophet is closer to the Believers than their own selves, and his wives than their mothers" (meaning that Muslims can't marry his widows since it would be like marrying their own mothers), incl. Aisha (Ayesha) (Arab. "the one who lives") (614-78), (daughter of Abu Bakr) (he marries her at age 6, then nobly waits to consummate at age 9 before her first menstrual cycle, showing that it's Allah's will to be a holy pedophile as long as her vagina can handle your grown man's prick) (he had to wait until his caravan robbing business made enough to pay her dowry?) (in the meantime he satisfied his lust with Mufa' Khathat, thighing and climaxing on her clothes, then making her wash them?), Mary, an Egyptian Coptic Christian concubine who bears him a boy, Ibrahim, who later dies (his subsequent showing of favoritism to Mary causes a mutiny in his harem), Juwayriyya (Juvairah) bint al-Harith (608-72) (wife #8), the captured wife of his enemy Mustafa bin Safwan, who was killed in battle, and who became the booty of Thabit until 58-y.-o. Big M magnanimously took the old gal (20-y.-o.) on in 628, and Safiyya bint Huyayy (610-70) (wife #11), the wife of a Jew that he had captured and executed that same evening after picking her out of a lineup of captive women (see outtakes of "Schindler's List"?); he marries his own daughter-in-law Zainab after ordering her hubby Zaid (his adopted son) to divorce her by producing a new made-to-order verse for the Quran outlawing adoption; too bad, his friend, the freed slave Salim was the adopted son of Abu Huthayfa and his wife Sahla, and thus couldn't live with her in the same house anymore, causing her to complain to Muhammad, who told her to start breastfeeding him so that he becomes her son again, to which she complains "But he is a man with a beard", to which M&M replied "I know that" (snicker); afterwards learned Muslim clerics suggest that men suck women's tits to get around laws against gender mixing by claiming to be their sons - imagine the noises in a Muslim office or university classroom? Nonfiction: The Suan-Ching (Ten Mathematical Classics), a set of scientific textbooks begin to be used for Chinese examinations. Music: Orchestras containing hundreds of players are formed in China. Deaths: Arab Muslim leader (Muhammad's uncle) Abu Talib (b. 549) near Mecca. Syrian Byzantine monk John Moschus (b. 550) in Jerusalem; leaves Spiritual Meadow (Pratum Spirituale) (Leimon), his personal experiences with ascetics during his travels with disciple Sophronius (later patriarch of Jerusalem) about 575, witnessing the final years of the crumbling Byzantine Empire.

620 - Big year for pedophiles?

620 Emperor Heraclius I concludes a treaty with the Avars, and begins disciplining a new army to take on the "infidel" Persians and regain lost territory in a war of religion (forerunner of the Crusades?). The Visigoths conquer the Roman province of Spain. The Vikings explore Ireland, but don't get around to attacking it until 795?; they like to wear linen incl. blue underwear? Sisebut dies. His cult being persecuted by the pagans of Mecca, loser Muhammad leaves the mountains and seeks refuge in the neighboring town of Tayf, but is driven out with stones, and returns, licking his wounds; just then the inhabitants of Yathrib (pop. 15K) 250 mi. to the N, an oasis town inhabited by Yemenites (many of them Jewish), having embraced his One True God teaching (probably because of Jewish proselyting), and hearing of him on their pilgrimages to Mecca, send him an invitation to come and rule them (and become their Brigham Young, not knowing he'd become the Arab Hitler?); Muhammad first begins a 2-year parley with them, sending his followers there in advance to make sure it's not a trap; on his flight, his camel al-Qaswa rests at Quba' 3 mi. SE of Medina, and he builds Masjidu 't-Taqwa (Arab. "mosque of piety"), the world's first mosque, which becomes the #3 most important mosque after the ones at Mecca and Medina, with Jerusalem coming in #4. Architecture: The Dominican Weltenburg Abbey in Weltenburg, Kelheim on the Danube River in Bavaria is founded by Scots-Irish monks, becoming the oldest monastery in Bavaria; in 1050 they begin brewing yummy dark beer. Inventions: Porcelain is produced in China. Chess is introduced to Egypt. Nonfiction: Prince Shotoku (572-622), Sendai Kuji Hongi Taiseikyo; claims that he discovered clay jars filled with scrolls in a rural Japanese shrine, which he deciphers and rewrites in Chinese, containing a history of the creation of the Universe, along with ancient prophecies, laws, music, a medical treatise, instructions for divination, and a plan for a good society; rediscovered in 1672. Births: English Northumbrian monk-bishop (of London) (St.) Cedd (d. 664) in Northumbria; brother of St. Chad (623-72).

621 - The Shined My Shoes On My Face Year?

Muhammad (570-632)

621 Safe in Medina, and well-fucked with all his hot new wives, Muhammad (570-632) achieves full spiritual enlightenment, then makes his famous Isra and Mi'raj (mirage?), a night journey and ascension to heaven from either Mecca or Jerusalem ("the farthest mosque" - Quran 17.1) on the winged mule Buraq (Arab. "lightning"), where he meets his fellow prophets, incl. Abraham, Moses, and Jesus, and Allah himself, talking him down from 50 prayers a day to five, then comes back on a mission to kick the whole planet's butt and kill everybody that won't get down on their faces facing the Big Black Cube five times a day and bare their necks so that there will be total Islam; when he returns, his friend Abu Bakr immediately accepts his story, causing him to receive the name The Dumbass, er, Us-Siddiq (The Truthful); the Christian bedrock principle of Original Sin that all people are born in sin and are unworthy of approaching God until their sins are forgiven through Christ is neatly chucked, and now every raghead can approach Allah if they pray five times a day with clean ass cracks and then take orders from him to be his kill tools and make the blood of cross-kissers; too bad, after telling his followers to pray in the direction of Jerusalem, 16-1/2 mo. later he changes it to Mecca 800 mi. away, admitting that boring Jerusalem is the direction in which Jews pray in Quran Sura 2 Al-Baqara (The Heifer), verse 145, although he loves to relieve himself while facing it (see Bukhari 1.4.147) - just in time to be either the new Messiah or the Antichrist, with the er, seminal year 666 just around the corner? Suinthila (d. 630) becomes Visigoth king of Spain (until 630). Deaths: Assyrian Nestorian monk Babai the Great (b. 551).

622 - Umma Oprah, or, Get me the hell out of this thing? The big year 1 A.H. for Muslims, when Muhammad founds his own town? The First Crusade Year?

622 Emperor Heraclius I sails from Constantinople with 50K men and defeats the Persians under Shahrbariz in the Third Battle of Issus (-333, 194) in Cappadocia near the border of Cilicia and Syria in the modern-day Turkish province of Hatay, pushing them back from the Mediterranean; meanwhile the W Turks conquer the Oxus Valley and fight with Heraclius I against Persia, taking Khorasan in modern-day Afghanistan; too bad, Heraclius I starts the Monothelete Controversy, claiming that the divine and human natures in Christ had but one will and one operation, i.e., one theandric energy (i.e., he didn't have two wills, divine and human, and therefore had to always choose between a fallible human action or a divine one, but only one will, therefore was always guided by his divinity), causing a controversy which rages for 60 years; one little problemo, Luke 22:42: "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Neverthless, not my will, but yours be done"; also John 5:30: "I do not seek my own will but the will of the Father who sent me" - I just don't savy it, Saavik? On July 16 having entered Mecca for the yearly shindig, and the elders plotting to murder him, breaking the law of sanctuary, with every family in the city except his approving the murder in advance, they rush into the room of you-guess-it Muhammad, only to find his adopted son Ali sleeping in his bed; Muhammad then begins his Hejira (Hegira) (Arab. "flight"), fleeing Mecca, then feinting first S, then N, arriving on Sept. 20 in Yathrib, which is renamed Medinat al Nabi (Medina) (Arab. "city of the prophet") (not Muhammad-dina?) where he stays with Abu Ayyub al-Ansari (Khalid ibn Zayd ibn Kulayb) (576-674), offers forgiveness to the Sa'alik, the robbers and thieves that for cents. had been banished from Arab cities and holed-up in the mountains, living by raiding and looting, and clearly adopting their lifestyle (while secretly plotting to tame them after they subdue his enemies?), then arbitrates a blood feud between the Aw and Khazraj tribes, and signs the arbitrates a blood feud between the Aw and Khazraj tribes, and signs the Constitution of Medina with all the tribes there, incl. polytheist and Jewish ones creating the first Muslim Ummah ("nation"), (Islamic theocratic community), consisting of the muhajirun (Meccans who followed Big M to Little M) and the ansar (Medinan converts), requiring them all to help each other militarily while referring all disputes to himself; one of the first converts to Islam is Abu Dhar al-Ghifari al-Kinani (-652), head of the Banu Ghifar, who live entirely by pillaging, who converted in Mecca and started preaching in front of the Qaaba, only to be beaten, then returned to his clan, talking them into converting to Islam and moving to Mecca, giving Muhammad a ready-made army of thieves who allow him and his Muslims to live off others' sweat permanently; both Mecca and Medina are on the W side of Arabia in the Hejaz (al-Hejaz) ("the barrier"), a strip bordering the Red Sea extending from Haql on the Gulf of Aqaba in the N to fig-producing Jizan in the S; Muhammad at first thinks that the three Jewish tribes in Medina, the Banu Nadir (date farmers) tribe, the Banu Qaynuqa (blacksmith) tribe, and the Banu Qurayza (wine merchants) tribe will embrace his new religion, studying in their study halls, incorporating many of their customs incl. abstention from pork and the fast of Yom Kippur into Islamic ritual, and designating Jerusalem as the Muslim prayer direction, as after all they taught him monotheism in the first place, and they told him how that pesky Jew bastard Jesus of Nazareth claimed to be their Messiah but was given due process of law and executed for blasphemy and treason, and how his body was stolen by his followers so they could claim he rose from the dead to make dupe converts, and how it's been 600 years, so the real Messiah, him, must be due; too bad, when they prove stiff-necked like they did with Jesus, and tell him he's Looney Tunes and insult Da Prophet to his face, he gets pissed off, orders his followers to murder and behead Jewish poet Kab ibn al-Ashraf, head of the Banu Nadir (date farmers) tribe, and decides to whack them like all infidels to prove how he's better than both them and Jesus, ordering his followers to kill every Jew they can, and begins raiding the caravans of Mecca, always unsuccessfully, preferring to set out on Thursdays, preferring to start out in the opposite direction of his intended target to fool spies; Muslims date history from this July 16 event (Muharram 1, 1 A.H.) (July 16, 622) because it's the first time that Islam exists as a social-political system with a military leader directing the killing of innocent people with their knickers in a twist, and not just a personal faith; the Muslim calendar consists of a 354-day year with 12 months of 29-30 days, which is never corrected so that religious days fall eventually in all seasons, and there's no escape, mwuhahaha? Nonfiction: Isidore of Seville (560-636), Originum seu Etymologiarum Libri XX (Etymologiae) (622-33) (20 vols.); an encyclopedia of arts and sciences, riddled with fantasies and superstitions, which is about all Europe has for the next 500 years - if you can get a copy from Tattered Corner? Deaths: Japanese prince Shotoku (b. 574) on Apr. 8; in 1958 the 10K yen Japanese bank note (highest denomination) features his image.

623 - Both France and Germany are founded by descendants of Belgian King Clovis because of language differences as German and Latin mix in different proportions? Meanwhile the demise of paganism is pending in Anglo-Saxon England?

Dagobert I of the Franks (602-39) St. Arnulf of Metz (582-640)

623 Merovingian Frankish King Lothair II gives his son Dagobert I (602-639) the kingdom of Austrasia ("eastern land"), the nucleus of Germany (in the Rhineland of Lorraine and Franconia centered in Mainz), and makes Count Pepin I (the Elder) of Landen (580-640) the mayor ("the big guy") of the Palace in Austrasia (until 629), giving him and Dagobert's adviser bishop (St.) Arnulf (Arnold) of Metz (582-640) (great-grandfather of Charles Martel) semi-autonomy as political payback; Dagobert I makes St. Eligius his chief counsellor; meanwhile Neustria, the nucleus of France, centered in Paris around the Seine and Loire Rivers begins to absorb the corrupt Latin speech of the subject peoples, while the Austrasians stick to their heck-with-us Low German speech, which eventually leads to a permanent split - when I die I'll let you cut my brain open? King Pybba of Mercia dies, and is succeeded by fierce Penda (-654), the last great pagan Anglo-Saxon king. Emperor Heraclius I invades and ravages the Transcaucasus region (Armenia and Azerbaijan AKA Media) and carries on three brilliant campaigns against the Avars by 630. Muhammad's raiders are finally successful in attacking a small (Jewish?) caravan of Mecca, and killing a man; as this is in the sacred month of Rahab, it breaks the ancient customary truce of the Arab Amphictyony and creates a big scandal. Births: Arab Muslim Umayyad caliph #4 (684-5) Marwan I ibn al-Hakam ibn Abu al-As ibn Umayyah (d. 685) on Mar. 28 in At-Ta'if. English abbot-monk (St.) Chad of Mercia (d. 672); brother of St. Cedd (620-64); feast day: Mar. 2.

624 On Jan. 8 Muhammad and 313 warriors defeat an army of 700 Meccans led by Abu Jahl ("Father of Stupidity") (pagan chieftain 'Amr bin Hisham, who who calls himself Abu Hakim or Father of Wisdom, until Muhammad renamed him) guarding a Kurashite caravan outside Mecca at at the badass Battle of Badr ("full moon"), killing 50-60, incl. Kurashite chief Abu Sufjan ibn Harb and wounding an equal number, starting the tradition of Conquests and Victories in the Month of Ramadan; after Abu Jahl is mortally wounded, Muhammad's close companion Abdullah ibn Mas'ud begins abusing him, grabbing his beard and mocking him, then beheading him and putting his head in Muhammad's hand, with Ibn Kathir's Al-Bidaya wa Al-Nihaya (The Beginning and the End) later commenting: "Thus did Allah heal the hearts of the believers with it", or, as Quran 9:14-15 puts it: "Fight them, Allah will torment them with your hands, humiliate them, empower yourselves over them, and heal the hearts of the believers, removing the rage from their hearts"; Muhammad returns in triumph to Medina, converting many munafiqun (doubting Medinans), and is inspired by Allah to order the assassination of a number of Jews who had been heckling his new monotheistic revelations, sieging then banishing the Jewish blacksmith tribe of Banu Qaynuqa to Edri (Jordan) after his ally Abdullah ibn Ubayy (-631) (a hypocritical convert to Islam), head of the non-Jewish Banu Khazraj tribe talks him out of massacring them, confiscating their wealth first then making an alliance with the wine merchant Banu Qurayza tribe so he can concentrate on the Banu Nadir (date farmers); this is the beginning of the Golden Age of Islam, which modern-day Islamists want to return to. On June 21 there is a solar eclipse in Britain. Births: Arab Shiite imam #2 (Sunni caliph #5) Hasan ibn Ali ibn Abi Talib (d. 670) on Mar. 4 (15 Ramadhan 3 A.H.) in Medina; brother of Husayn (Hussein) ibn Ali (626-80). Irish abbot #9 of Iona Abbey (679-704) (St.) Adomnan (Adomnán) (Adamnan) (Adamnán) (Eunan) (d. 704) in County Donegal; relative of St. Columba.

Muhammad getting his butt kicked, 625 Pope Honorius I (-638) St. Paulinus of York (-644)

625 On Mar. 23 (Sat.) 3.2K Meccans led by Quraysh tribe leader Abu Sufyan (Sakhr ibn Harb) (560-650) kick the butts of Prophet Muhammad and his 1K-man army at the Battle of Mt. Uhud in NW Arabia near Medina, knocking the unportrayable prophet down and nearly killing him, and causing his followers to turn tail and flee; too bad, the Mecca Lekka Hi Mecca Lekka Lo, Mecca Lekka Chonny Ho don't follow up and enter Medina, so Muhammad survives to fight another day, retiring to rally his followers and lick his wounds, and writing some suras for his bestselling Quran: "The suras of the Koran which are attributed to this period, excel nearly all the others in their majesty and sublime confidence" (Sir Mark Sykes); after calling on his people to fight for Muhammad as per the Constitution of Medina and being told it was the Sabbath and to piss off, wealthy Jewish Medina rabbi Mukhayriq of the Tha'labah tribe fights with Muhammad and is martyred, leaving his entire wealth to Muhammad, who calls him "the best of the Jews", using it to establish the first Muslim Waqf (charity) for the poor in Medina; feeling good again, he accuses the most wealthy of the two remaining Jewish tribes, the Banu Nadir (date farmers), of treason, sieging them, letting Abdullah ibn Ubayy talk him out of massacring them, and expelling them from Medina to exile in Khaybar, home of descendants of the Jewish priestly tribe and the wealthiest city in N Arabia - so he could take them out of the protection of the Medina Constitution and loot them later? On Oct. 25 Pope (since 619) Boniface V dies, and on Oct. 27 Pope (#70) Honorius I (-638) is elected. Cadfan ap Iago dies, and his son Cadwalla (Caedwalla) (Cadwallon) ap Cadfan (-634) becomes king of the Britons of Gwynedd in N Wales (until 634). Roman missionary (St.) Paulinus of York (-644) arrives in Northumbria with Aethelburg of Kent, sister of King Eadbald of Kent to marry King Edwin of Northumbria, whom he eventually succeeds in converting to Christianity, along with many of his subjects incl. St. Hilda of Whitby; meanwhile next July 21 Paulinus is consecrated as the first Christian bishop of York. Narasimhavarman I Mamalla ("the great wrestler") (-645) becomes Pallava Dynasty king of S India. Architecture: The first Shinto Ise Shrine is built in Mie Prefecture, Japan (4 B.C.E.?). Nonfiction: Bana, Harshacharita; mentions the chesslike game of Chaturanga. Art: The Gourdon Gold Chalice is made in France. Births: Chinese Tang empress (690-705) Wu Zetian (Wu Zhao) (Wu Hou) (Tian Hou) (d. 705) on Feb. 17 in Shanxi; becomes imperial concubine of Tai Zong at age 14 named Mei-Niang. Arab Shiite imam #2 Hasan (Arab. "handsome") ibn Ali ibn Abu Talib (Arab. "seeker of knowledge") (d. 669); eldest son of Fatima Zahra (606-33) and Ali ibn Abu Talib (599-661); brother of Hussayn (Hussein) (626-80); grandson of Prophet Muhammad. Buddhist monk Uisang (d. 702); studies under Zhiyi in China, and brings back the Hwaom (Huayan) sect. Bavarian duke (680-716) Theodo II (d. 716); son of Theodo I (-680) and Fara of Bavaria (b. 600), daughter of Chrodaold of the Lombards (575-624), daughter of Gisulf (b. 577); patron of St. Rupert, St. Erhard, St. Emmeram, and St. Corbinian, and first Bavarian duke to travel to Rome. Deaths: Irish abbot St. Deicolus on Jan. 18.

Tang Tai Zong of China (599-649)

626 On Sept. 4 Tang Gao Zu resigns his throne, and his 2nd son Li Shimin becomes Tang Tai Zong (Taizong) (T'ai Tsung) (599-649), Tang emperor #2 of China (until 649), launching a golden age of art and lit. marked by the perfection of the civil service system and the standardization of the you're-so-funny Chinese classics, and becoming known as the #1 emperor in all of Chinese history; cultivation of sugar cane begins after envoys are sent to King Harsha in N India in 647; the southern Chinese are absorbed into the empire, calling themselves the Men of Tang - Lost Boys: The Tribe, buy it today on DVD? Lombard king (since 616) Adaloald (b. 602) goes insane, and is deposed by Arioald (-636) of Turin, Arian husband of his sister Gundiberga, who becomes Lombard king of Italy (until 636), after which Adaloald mysteriously dies in Ravenna; Arioald goes on to reestablish Arianism and have his wife put in a monastery for plotting against him with Duke Tasso (Taso) of Friuli (-617). Persian troops invade Anatolia, take Chalcedon and advance within 1 mi. of super fortress Constantinople, but are prevented from aiding the Avars in their abortive siege of the city, and the latter are defeated by the Greeks, going downhill from here; Samo (d. 658), a Frankish tradesman travelling in C Europe takes advantage of the defeat of the Avars to unite the Czechs and Wends, and attempts to found a Slavic kingdom, settling in the area around burned-out Singidunum at the confluence of the Sava and Danube Rivers. Farquhard (Farquhar) (Ferchard) (Gael. "very dear one") I (d. 638) becomes king of the Scots. Eochaid the Yellow-Haired dies, and his son Domnall Brecc ("Freckled or Spotty Donald") (595-642) becomes king #9 of the Dalriada Scots, becoming known for losing five battles between 622-42 and losing control over his family's homeland in N Ireland. Births: Japanese Yamato emperor #38 (661-71) Tenji (Tenchi) (Prince Naka) (d. 672); son of Jomei (594-641) and Saimei (Kogyoku) (594-661). Arab Muslim Shiite imam #3 Husayn ibn 'Ali ibn Abu (Abi) Talib (d. 680) on Jan. 10 (e Sha'aban A.H. 4) in Medina; 2nd son of Fatima Zahra (606-33) and Ali ibn Abu Talib (-661); brother of Hasan (624-70); grandson of Prophet Muhammad; father of 'Ali ibn Husayn (659-712). French abbess Gertrude of Nivelles 9d. 659) in Landen, Austrasia; daughter of Pepin of Landen (580-640) and Itta of Metz (592-652). French queen (St.) Bathild (Bathilda) (Bauthieult) (Baudour) of Ascania (d. 680); wife (639-) of Clovis II (637-58). Deaths: Italian Lombard king (616-26) Adaloald (b. 602).

627 - Big year for the Byzantines, Persians, and Muslims?

St. Ethelburga of Lyming (-647)

627 On Mar. 31 after 10K Meccans with 600 horses and some camels led by Abu Sufyan decide to finish Muhammad and his 3K men off, they begin the fortnight-long Battle of the Trench (Confederates); too bad, after they arrive at Medina they find that it has a new trench and wall, the product of a Persian convert, neutralizing the horses; after a battle of wits with Muhammad, a strong cold wind blasts both sides, and the Meccans after suffering heavy losses get up and leave in Apr. after Muhammad is down to 300 men; Muhammad's trusted companion Hudhayfah ibn al-Yaman (-656) sneaks into the Meccan camp and personally hears Abu Sufyan give the order to leave, uttering the soundbyte: "If the Messenger of Allah had not instructed me to do nothing until I returned to him, I would have killed Abu Sufayn then and there with an arrow"; free of the Meccans at last, the 25-day Siege of the Banu Qurayza sees Muhammad accuse them of reneging on their compact and negotiating with the Quraysh, then siege, starve, and defeat the last Jewish tribe of Banu Qurayza, who have a wel-circumcised castle near Medina and 3K men; after Muhammad delegates full authority to former chief of non-Jewish Medina Banu Aus tribe Sa'd ibn Mu'adh on the condition that the Jews accept his verdict, 700 (900) Jewish men are beheaded (not that head), and their women and children enslaved; helped by the fact that they are among the bidders for these choice slaves, the head, er, leading men in Mecca begin to come over to Muhammad's side, and he becomes undisputed ruler of a unified Medina, seeking to extend his power. On Easter Day after his Christian wife St. Ethelburga (Aethelburh) of Lyming (Kent) (601-47) (daughter of King Aethelbert and Queen Bertha of Kent) and her bishop Paulinus (-644) soften him up, King Edwin of Northumbria converts to Christianity, and is baptized in a new wooden church in York along with their son Ethelhun and several other nobles, after which Paulinus baptizes all of his people and becomes the first archbishop of York (Jorvik) - whew, only 40 to go to 666? Byzantine Emperor Heraclius invades Atropatene (Azerbaijan) and destroys the Great Zoroastrian Fire Temple, then invades Assyria and Mesopotamia, entering the Tigris River provinces, and on Dec. 12 wins a decisive V over the Persians at the Battle of Nineveh, reaching Dastegherd, causing Khosrau II to flee and a revolt to fester; the Persians never again threaten Constantinople, as they had done 3x before; the Byzantines capture the Persian castle of Dastagerd, and discover a cache of Indian sugar. The W Turkic hordes of khagan (since 618) Tong "Tiger" Yabghu (-628) sack the gateway city of Derbent (Darband) on the W shore of the Caspian Sea. Architecture: King Edwin of Northumbria replaces the first wooden York Minster with one of stone. Pope Honorius I begins building new churches in Rome (ends 638). St. Peter's boys' public school is founded in York, Northumbria by St. Paulinus of York.

Oh, help, a guinea pig tricked me?

Persian Shah Kavadh II (-629) Ardashir III of Persia (621-9)

628 On Feb. 23-24 (night) Khosrau II's treacherous eldest son (by Christian princess Shirin) Kavadh II (Sheroe) (Shiruya) (590-628) is released from captivity and proclaimed king #23 on Feb. 25 by some Persian nobles, and on Feb. 28 after remaining behind Persian lines for the winter, having ruled since 590 and extended the Sassanian Empire frontiers almost to the limits of the Achaemenid Empire, Khosrau II Parvez (Ever-Victorious) and his other 18 sons are murdered in the palace; Kavadh II makes peace with Heraclius I, restores the True Cross of Christ to him along with POWs, and agrees to evacuate all his conquests in Egypt, Palestine, Syria, Asia Minor, and W Mesopotamia; too bad, Persia took such a big bite out of the Byzantines that they are fatally softened up for the Arabs and Slavs; on Sept. 6 Kavadh II dies of the plague after a reign of a few mo., and on Sept. 6 his boy son Ardashir III (621-29) succeeds him as shah of Sasanian Persia (until Apr. 27, 630). In Mar. after Muhammad leads 1.4K followers to Mecca to perform a pilgrimage, he is stopped 10 mi. away near the Hudaybiyyah spring by troops of the Quraish tribe that run it, led by Suhail ibn Amr; after sizing each other up for a fight, Allah allegedly sends the "sakina" (spirit of peace) into their hearts, and they sign the 10-year Treaty of Hudaybiyyah (who da big boss?), allowing Muslims to enter the city and perform the circuit for three days, beginning not this year but next, as long as they enter unarmed except for sheathed swords; Muhammad turns back to Medina, trying to explain the defeat as a V by telling them that Allah has promised them the spoils of the Jewish Banu Nadir town of Khaybar (Khaibar), near Medina, which they siege with 3K soldiers then sack six weeks later in May-June after first halting with his army in a valley between them and the Ghatafan Tribe (Banu Ghatafan) (who allied with Banu Quraish in the Battle of the Trench) to prevent them from helping them, then beheading all the Jews that survive, then reducing the tribe to two fortresses with 450 warriors, who surrender and are forced to give all their land to them permanently, and hand them half their annual produce forever, setting the example for modern Palestinian-Israeli negotiations; Muhammad personally talks with a black haggard donkey who calls himself Yazid Ibn Shihab, whom he renames Yafoor, adopting him for his ride after making sure he didn't desire females; the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah was indeed a giant V for Islam, which they call Sulh-e-Hudaybiyyah, because it allowed Muslims to be allowed to exist so they could switch to Da'wah ("invitation"), the outward appearance of peace and friendliness in order to make mass conversions and increase the size of their army for the next jihad, and in Muhammad's case it worked so well he practically had enough eager Quran-singing warriors to win without a fight, becoming "the greatest V in the history of Islam (Imam al-Zuhari); meanwhile Muhammad orders his faithful to turn towards Mecca when they pray rather than Jerusalem as they have done till now (i.e., it's the new qibla), and declares Mecca their permanent pilgrimage center, like it had been for the polytheist pagans; Muhammaid raids the Banu Fazara pagan tribe at Wadi Al-Qurra, and brutally murders old woman chief Umm Qirfa by "putting a rope into her two legs and to two camels and driving them until they rent her in two" (Al-Tabari); Muhammad also allegedly sends the envoy Al-Ala'a Al-Hadrami (-635), who converts the Arab states of Bahrain (Arab. "two seas" - freshwater springs surrounded by salty seas) and Qatar - same old establishment, different owner? On Apr. 15 emperor (since 592) Suiko (b. 554) dies, and next Jan. 4 after a power struggle with Prince Yamashiro (son of Prince Shotoku), Prince Tamura (grandson of Bidatsu and great nephew of Suiko) becomes Jomei (594-641), Japanese Yamato emperor #34 (until Oct. 9, 641); the feudal nobility begins its rise in Japan; Yamashiro commits suicide along with his entire family; Jomei goes on to compose the bestelling poem "Climbing Mount Kagu and Looking Upon the Land": "Countless are the mountains in Yamato,/ But perfect is the heavenly hill of Kagu./ When I climb it and survey my realm,/ Over the wide plain the smoke wreaths rise and rise,/ Over the wide lake the gulls are on the wing./ A beautiful land, the land of Yamato." King Penda of Mercia defeats Wessex king Cynegils and his son Cwichelm in the Battle of Cirencester, and takes care of Hwicce (Gloucestershire). I warned ya, right? Or, Is that you, Santa Claus? The courts of Byzantine emperor (610-41) Heraclius I in Constantinople, Persian shah (628) Kavadh II in Ctesiphon, and Tang emperor (626-49) Tai Zong (Tai Tsung) in Canton are visited by Arab envoys of the new kid on the block, "the prophet of God, Muhammad", currently residing in the squalid trading town of Medina in deodorant-challenged Arabia, who sends them Aslim Taslam Letters ("accept Islam and you will be saved"), telling them to acknowledge the one true Alpha (with him as Omega?) and submit, or else, with the typical Muslim threat soundbyte "I invite you to Islam, and if you become a Muslim you will be safe and Allah will double your reward, but if you reject this invitation of Islam you will be committing a sin by misguiding your people (Arisiyin = peasants)"; as the story goes, Heraclius, busy with restoring order in Persia shrugs it off; Kavadh, hearing of how he had dechristianized and Muslimized Yemen, tears it up, throws it in the envoy's face and orders Muhammad to bug off, causing the latter to cry to Allah to rend his kingdom from him; only emperor Tai Zong treats his envoys with respect, and allows them to build a mosque for Arab traders in Canton - the origin of the priest, minister and rabbi joke? After receiving sanctuary there from his enemies, Muhammad allegedly writes a Charter of Privileges (Actiname) for St. Catherine's Monastery on Mt. Sinai, promising them freedom of religion and from paying the jizya, the right to repair their churches, exemption from military service, freedom from forced marriages of Christian women to Muslim men, etc., which is often cited by modern Muslims, but is actually an ex-post facto forgery by the monks for survival, the other monasteries and church without a charter not faring so well; the charter commands Muslims not to bear arms against Christians, yet soon after Muhammad's death they go on to invade and conquer Christian Egypt. The Muslim envoys of Messina arrive in Canton via a ship coming from Yanbu, the port of Medina in Arabia, showing the existence of east-west trade in those times? Maruta (Maruthas) becomes chief bishop (maphrian) of the Monophysite Jacobite church in the Persian Empire. Yeshuyab II (-643) becomes patriarch of the Nestorian church in Persia, going on to appoint metropolitans in Herat, Samarkand and even India? After occupying Khaybar, Muhammad sees a beautiful Jewish babe and kills her husband, then lays with her; she responds by inviting him to a sumptuous dinner where she served poisoned sheep; after he detects the poison and spits the meat out, she tells him that if he were a real prophet it wouldn't harm him, which he agrees with before having her killed; too bad, the poison seems to have started working into his system, killing him three years later, proving that anybody who messes with the Jews loses?; hgow ironic that modern Jew-hating Muslims like to chant about Khaybar, not realizing the ending, no wonder they never win any Nobel Prizes? Architecture: Lincoln Church is founded in England by Paulinus. Births: Chinese Tang emperor #3 (649-83) Gao Zong (Li Zhi) (d. 683) on July 21; 9th son of Tai Zong (599-649) and 3rd son of empress Zhangsun (601-36); father of Zhong Zong (656-710). Anglo-Saxon abbot (St.) Benedict Biscop (Baducing) (d. 690); feast day: Jan. 12. Deaths: Japanese Yamato emperor #33 (592-628) Suiko (b. 554) on Apr. 15.

629 - Bad year to be Jewish or Persian?

Charibert II of the Franks (-632) Xuanzang (602-63)

629 In the spring the Turkic Khazars (Hazaras Turks) sack Tiflis. Muhammad leads his followers back to Mecca, and the pagans vacate the city for three days to allow them to circle around and kiss the Black Cube That Fell From Outer Space (Kaaba) (the original Cuba Gooding Show Me the Money?); he then sends 3K of his men to the Byzantine city of Busra to conquer and convert the pagan Ghassanid Arabs there for killing his emissary, and ends up fighting the Battle of Mu'tah E of the Jordan River in modern-day Jordan, getting his ass kicked by a superior Byzantine force he wasn't expecting and retreating, calling it a push to save face since his black freed slave and adopted son Zayd (Zaid) ibn Harithah (581-629) is KIA, becoming the only one of Muhammad's companions (Sahaba) to be mentioned by name in the Quran (33:37). Lothair II (b. 584) dies, and his son Dagobert I (602-39) becomes Mervongian king of all the Franks (until 639), the last strong Merovingian ruler, who makes good dynastic alliances and retains wise and connected advisors Bishop Arnulf of Metz and Count Pepin I of Landen, who retires as mayor of Austrasia (until 639); taking guess who's advice he does the PC thing and expels the Jews from his Frankish and quite Christian kingdom (for 150 years); his brother Charibert II (608-32) becomes king of Aquitaine. Edwin sieges Cadwalla of Wales in Glannauc (Priestholm or Puffin Island) off E Angelesey, establishing rule over the Mevanian Islands incl. Anglesey. Sasanian rebel gen. Shahrbaraz (Shahrvaraz) (Pers. "the Boar of the Empire")(-630) makes an alliance with Byzantine emperor Heraclius, who gives him control of Egypt, ending Persian Sasanian control (begun 619); he then kills the tyke next Apr 27 and usurps the throne, but is murdered after a reign of 2 mo., causing anarchy, allowing Byzantine emperor Heraclius I to finish conquering them, ending the Sixth Byzantine-Persian War (begun 603). Chinese Buddhist monk Xuanzang (Hiuen Tsang) (Tang Sanzhang) (602-63) defies an imperial edict forbidding foreign travel, and escapes from the capital of Sian-fu (Signan) on a 16/17-year journey to India (Cambodia) to fetch Buddhist scriptures (ends 1645); he is entertained by N Indian emperor Harshavardhana; his journey is recorded in the Great Tang Records on the Western Regions (646), which inspires the 16th cent. Ming Dynasty novel Journey to the West by Wu Cheng'en. A set of Byzantine silver plates depicting the life of King David of Israel is finished (begun 610?); they are found near Kyrenia in N Cyprus in 1902. Inventions: Indian mathematician Bhaskara I (600-80) writes a verse commentary to the "Aryabhatiya" (499), first using the decimal number system and making it known to Indian scholars. Deaths: French abbot St. Eustace of Luxeuil (b. 560). Arab Muslim leader Zayd ibn Harithah (b. 581) in Mu'tah, Byzantium (Jordan) (KIA). Frankish Merovingian king Lothair (Chlotar) II (b. 584).

630 - Big year for Muslims, who set up a world capital with its own Black House and a plan for total world control that lasts until ?

The Kaaba (Ka'bah) in Mecca Buran of Persia (-631) Pancha Rathas

630 In Jan. breaking his peace treaty with them, Muhammad surprises and captures Mecca, enters the city with 10K men in triumph, kills 28 opponents, removes the statue of the god Hubal (Manif) from the now Muslim Qaaba (Kaaba) (Ka'bah) (Ka'ba) (whose four corners are aligned with the four compass points) (but doesn't remove the al-Hajaru i-Aswad or Black Stone in the E corner), destroys all tribal idols, and announces the Law of Islam (Sharia) (Shari'ah); the entire pop. is converted to Islam, and kafirs (kuffars) (non-believers, who cover-up the truth of Islam like farmers do seeds) are forbidden to enter the city forever; Abyssinian ex-slave Bilal summons Muslims for the first time from the roof of the Ka'bah (I wonder how this would look from space?); from now on all Muslims must face the kiblah (direction of the Ka'bah) when praying, and all mosques have a mihrab, or niche carved in the wall pointing the way; the Ka'bah is laundered by Muhammad's holy Crapola, er, Koran, and is now supposed to have been given to the patriarch Abraham by the angel Gabriel, and was originally white but turned black from the sins of mankind (therefore white is right with Allah and Muhammad?); three weeks later, 10K Muslim Medinans and 2K new PC Meccans defeat a confederation of pissed-off pagan bedouin tribe of Hawazin-Thaqif from the nearby city of Ta'if in SW Arabia at the Battle of Hunayn, and capture big booty, and Muhammad is official Cock of the Big Black Rock, beginning to receive tribal delegations (wufud) from throughout Arabia, and making them pay the alms tax (sadaqa) to him at Medina; later he leads an army of 30K to the N city of Tabuk on the Syrian border to take on a Byzantine Christian army, which never shows up, after which he returns and scolds the "hypocrites" who stayed behind and/or didn't finance the jihad, and issues his bloody Sura 9:5, along with Sura 9:123: "Oh you who believe, fight the unbelievers around you, and let them see how harsh you can be; know that Allah is with the righteous" - the original OxyClean? In Jan. Muslim convert warlord Khalid ("immortal") ibn al-Walid ("newborn child") (592-642) goes on expedition against the Banu Jadhimah tribe, forcing them to convert and executing some anyway because of past enmity. On Mar. 21 after recapturing Jerusalem, Heraclius I returns the True Cross of Christ (originally dug up in 326 by Emperor Constantine's mother Helena) to the Holy Sepulchre, where he personally reerects it on Sept. 14, creating the annual festival of the Exaltation of the Cross; feeling more holy than thou than usual, Heraclius substitutes the title Basileus for Imperator; the Persian Empire is kaput, and over the next few years they hand the Byzantines Armenia, Syria, Palestine, Egypt and Byzantine Mesopotamia, while "a series of dynastic intrigues and romantic urders enliven the palace but weaken the country [Persia]" (H.G. Wells). On Apr. 27 Khosrau II's gen. (since 590) Shahrbaraz (Shahrvaraz) (Pers. "the Boar of the Empire") usurps the Persian Sasanian throne from Ardashir III, and is killed on June 9 by Sasanian nobles after 40 days, and on June 17 Khosrau II's daughter Buran (Boran) (Borandukht) (Purandokht) (590-632) becomes ruler of Sasanian Persia, lasting about a year (until June 19, 630), becoming the first of two women to rule the Sasanian Empire before her sister-successor Azarmidokht. Olaf Tratella is expelled from Sweden, and founds a colony in Vermeland (Norway). After evangelizing pagan Ghent and converting them by bringing a hanged criminal back to life, and founding the founds the Benedictine Saint-Amand (Eino) (Einon) (Einone) Abbey in Saint-Amand-les-Eux, Nord, France under the patronage of Dagobert I, Poitou-born Christian missionary bishop St. Amand(us) of Maastricht (584-675) pisses-off Dagobert I by trying to change his lifestyle, and is expelled from Neustria, after which Dagobert I repents and asks him to return, but he refuses, and founds the Blandinberg and St. Bavo monasteries ner Ghent before unsuccessfully trying to evangelize the Slavic people of modern-day Slovakia in the Danube River Valley, and building another abbey near Tourney in 639; in 647-50 he is appointed bishop of Maastricht, then gets Itta of Metz to build the Abbey of Nivilles in Walloon Brabant, Belgium in 650. About this time Arab countries begin producing cotton. Architecture: In this decade the rock Temple of Pancha Rathas (Five Chariots) at Mamallapuram in S India is built. Nonfiction: About this time monk Cogitosus of Kildare, Ireland writes The Life of St. Brigit. About this time Thophylact Simocatta writes about Byzantine emperor (582-602) Maurice, becoming the last historian of Late Antiquity, leaving eight vols.; he also leaves "Physical Problems", and a collection of 85 epistolary essays; in 1509 Nicolaus Copernicus pub. a trans. of Theophylact in Cracow. Births: Frankish Merovingian Austrasian king (634-56) (St.) Sigebert (Sigibert) III (d. 656); eldest son of Dagobert I (602-39); first Merovingian roi faineant (fainéant) ("do-nothing king"). Roman Byzantine emperor #113 (641-68) Constans (Constantius) II Pogonatus (Pogonatos) (the Bearded) (d. 668); last emperor to serve as consul (642); son of Constantine III (612-41) and Gregoria. English queen of Northumbria and abbess of Ely (-679) (St.) Etheldreda (d. 679); sister of St. Sexburga (-699); feast day: June 23.

631 Muhammad's followers begin spreading out in a mad rush to bring the rest of Arabia into submission to the new cult on the block, engaging in religious cleansing of pagans, Jews, and Christians. Buran is murdered, and anarchy ensues in Persia. Slavic king Samo repulses the Franks under Dagobert I. Suinthila is overthrown and killed by Sisenand (Sisinand) (-636) with the aid of Frankish king Dagobert I (in return for 500 lbs. of gold), and becomes Visigoth king of Spain. Births: Japanese Yamato emperor #40 (672-86) Temmu (Oama) (d. 686); youngest son of Jomei (594-641) and empress Saimei (594-661); brother of Tenji (626-72).

632 - Jiminy Cricket, the world is going to Hell in a handcart? 666 is just 33.3 years away, just in time for the Soldiers of the Black God and Unportrayable Antichrist Prophet to come on cue from the inscrutable deserts of Arabia on a mission from Hell? The super-juiced Muslims redraw the map with a sharp bloody sword, not only among unbelievers but among themselves, and within 40 years of the death of their Prophet conquer more territory than ancient Rome did in four centuries?

Muhammad's Tomb Yazdgard III of Persia (-651) Caliph Abu Bakr (572-634) Black Flag of Jihad, 632

632 On Mar. 6 after cleansing Arabia of infidels, 62-y.-o. Muhammad (b. 570), Master of Pure Muslim Arabia leads the Hajjatul Wada (Farewell Pilgrimage) (his first and only Hajj) from Medina to Mecca, then on the 9th day of Dhul al Hijjah delivers his Last Sermon to the People in the Uranah Valley of Mount Arafat in Mecca to 124K, forbidding all plunder and blood feuds among believers, and commanding all believers, even slaves to treat each other as brothers; he preaches merchant honor, commanding that 90% of a Muslim's life be devoted to work in order to put food on the table; his speech incl. the soundbytes: "All humanity came from Adam and Eve, thus an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab, or vice-versa; neither does a white have any superiority over a black or vice-versa", and "No prophet or messenger will come after me and no new true faith will be born"; later the Shiites claim that he said he's leaving behind his progeny to offer guidance, not just the Quran, causing the Sunni-Shiite Split; Muhammad then returns to Medina, sickens of a fever, and dies on June 8, 632 (noon) (Mon.) in the lap of his favorite wife Ayesha (A'isha) after a peaceful life of love consisting of 100 jihads in the last 100 months of his life, and 78 battles, only one of which was defensive, leaving only some mats, blankets, jugs and other personal items, a white mule and a little piece of land he had already willed away; one of his last instructions was to expel all Christians and Jews from the Arabian peninsula forever; Muhammad allegedly dies in agony after saying he could feel his aorta being severed, which sheds a new light on Quran 69:44-46, where Allah says that if Muhammad invents false revelations, he will sever his aorta; his burial place is kept secret, good idea, imagine how many would like to get even; later the story is changed and Muhammad was buried in his own house, which is also a mosque (no need to lose all that tourist revenue?); Muhammad's Tomb and the land on which he is allegedly buried become the most holy site in Islam, even more holy than Mecca and Medina; when he was being washed for burial, had a woody?; some think he died as a result of being served poisoned meat three years earlier by Jewish woman Umm Bashr, who wanted revenge for what he did at Khaybar, and since he allegedly had been warned in advance by Allah, that makes him a martyr; he might have suffered from acromegaly in his later years, explaining his impotence and paranoia about his wives that made him order them to cover themselves to keep potent men at bay, plus the paranoia about portraying his likeness?; good timing in retrospect as this upside-down Christ dies 600 years after the real one, but with far more sin mileage (at least they didn't make up a story about him being the son of God and rising from the grave, although in retrospect that might have been a fatal booboo?); he is survived by daughter Fatima Zahra (d. 633) and nine, count 'em nine wives but no sons, and since he didn't make a provision for political succession (because his request for some writing material to write down guidelines was ignored by Omar because he thought he was hallucinating?), a power struggle ensued, and his father-in-law Abu Bakr (572-634) is elected by a shura (committee) in the saqifa (roofed bldg.) of the Banu Sa'ida tribe as the first caliph (khalifa) (Arab. "successor") to the Prophet (not the next prophet, as Big M is the final prophet), because, like the first four Rashidun (Rightly Guided or Righteous) Caliphs (632-61), he is married to a daughter of the Prophet or has given his daughter to him in marriage, and is one of the Prophet's sahaba (close companions), plus his daughter was Big M's favorite wife; at his accession many Arab tribes revolt, starting with the Banu Hanifa, who live in the garden spot of C Arabia now known as Riyadh ("gardens"), causing him to begin the Ridda (Apostasy) Wars to rid da Arabian peninsula of apostasy, bloodily reconsolidating Arabia by 633; then, obeying those letters that the Prophet had sent to "all the monarchs of the world" in 628, the caliph declares Jihad (Arab. "all-out struggle for Allah") (holy war to spread Muslim rule over more territory) on the Roman (Byzantine) and Persian empires, sending little fanatical armies of 3K-4K Arabs at them carrying the Black Flag of Jihad displaying the Shahada (confession of Muslim faith) on it in white Arabic letters; the flag of the state is white with black letters (they do like to send little fanatical armies at ya, don't they?); the first general (youngest Muhammad ever appoints) Usamah (Osama) ("lion") bin Zayd (615-?), son of the dude who died at the Battle of Mu'tah, whom Muhammad appointed to CIC of his armies a few days before his death, pissing them off) leads an expedition to Syria with the goal of reaching Constantinople, and the 2nd general, Khalid ("immortal") ibn al-Walid ("newborn child") (592-642) (who was on the Meccan side in the 625 attack on Muhammad, then converted to Islam in 629, and went on to never know defeat in 100 battles, leading the forced cleansing of Arabia of non-Muslims, gaining the name Sword of allah) leads a 2nd expedition to Persia's richest province, Iraq with an army of 18K, beginning with the frontier town of Hira (under the control of an Arab tributary prince), which falls in the last week of May 633; each time they offer three choices to the infidels they meet: convert, pay tribute forever, or become worm food; the Christians begin calling the new Mahometans (Muslims) idolaters and pagans, pissing them off no end? (the real question: Would Muhammad have ordered the execution of Christ?); the prohibition against depicting Muhammad doesn't arise until the 16th-17th cents.? Each time they offered three choices to the infidels they met: convert, pay tribute forever, or become worm food. Hey, before you knock it, think about it awhile This religion beats mixed-up incomprehensible, schismed, priest-ridden Christinsanity, it has no sacrifies or priesthood like Judaism, and Christianity's heaven is too hard to attain, while with Shalom for Lamers anybody can understand the perils of Hell, the rewards of Paradise with a guaranteed 72 virgins, and the brotherhood of true blood-stained believers here on Earth, boys will be boys, right? And Muhammad is no impossible god-man who has never sinned, but more of a Jewish-type King David or Moses, who is just as Semitic as they are, but the Jews came from the bad side of Abraham's house, and we Arabs are the good side, never mind how we ended up in this desert hellhole, it's our turn to take the Promised Land. And anyway, the Jewish Temple is kaput and Jews can't get forgiveness of sins by sacrifices of sheep anymore, so what's wrong with this new source of sheep to slaughter, infidel sheep, that'll save our souls, chuckle, think of all the women slaves we'll get. Go on, buy this new Islam stuff, it's leading edge, because you don't ever have to think for yourself again, we tell you just how and when to pray, how to act, and forget all the other monotheist religions that don't want you to hurt a fly, let's turn back the calendar, murder, rape, and torture are OK with your monomaniac god Allah now, so long as your good deeds outweigh your sins, with sins committed to advance Islam cancelled, and getting killed while trying to advance Islam winning you the jackpot, so sign right here and join the quick line by dying in a jihad and bypassing Allah's judgment seat on your way to the Big P and (did we mention?) your bonus of 72 sexy Vs from divinematch dot com? On June 16 Khosrau II's grandson Yazdgird (Yazdgerd) (Yazdgard) III (d. 651) becomes the last Sassanid Persian king; he institutes a new calendar for Persia; the nobility fails to support him in the face of the coming Arab invasions. Charibert II of Aquitaine dies, and in 634 to satisfy the nobles of Austrasia, Dagobert I makes his infant son Sigebert III (630-56) the king of Austrasia (until 656), keeping it a part of his Frankish realm; Dagobert I appoints Ansegisel (Ansgise) (602-661) (610-678?), son of Bishop Arnulf of Metz as mayor of the palace in Austrasia; from now on all Merovingian rulers are women, children, or mental defectives, unable to prevent the provincial aristocracy from robbing them blind, with the mayors of the palace making them prisoners inside their own palaces while plotting to restore royal power and found a new line of kings. King Arthur (Arthurius) dies in battle, and Domnall Breac becomes sole king of the Dalriada Scots. Buddhism becomes the state religion of Tibet. Iudila begins a revolt against Visigoth king Sisenand (ends 633). East Anglia is Christianized. About this time the Yazidi sect of Kurdish-speaking Muslims who blend Islam with Mithraism and Christianity is founded, with Sunni and Shiite Muslims regarding them as devil worshippers, ending up living mainly in the Nineveh province of Iraq; they believe in one Creator God, but claim he placed the world under the care of seven angels, the chief one being the Peacock Angel (Melek Taus), which some equate with Iblis; by 2015 they endure 74 attempted genocides. St. Eligius builds the Solignac Monastery, with 150 monks; it is ruined by the next cent. Poetry: Georgios Pisides, Hexameron (Cosmologia) (Opus sex Dierum seu Mundi Opificium); a poem on the creation of the world by a Byzantine poet who was born in Pisida.

633 - Muslims win battle after battle, while the Gaelic-speaking Celts score one for the Gwypper, and it stinks like leeks, no wonder it doesn't last long?

633 In Apr. the Arab Muslims under Khalid ibn al-Walid win the Battle of Chains, followed in the 3rd week of Apr. by the Battle of River, followed in May by the Battle of Walaja (using a double-envelopment maneuver), followed in mid-May by the Battle of Ullais, taking Iraq's capital city of Hira in the Siege (Battle) of Hira in the last week of May. On Oct. 12 (Oct. 14?) pagan kings Cadwalla of Gwynedd (N Wales) and Penda of Mercia (-655) defeat and kill king (since 616) Edwin of Northumbria (b. 586) at the Battle of Hatfield (Heathfield) Chase 8 mi. NE of Doncaster in Yorkshire on the S bank of the Don River; Edwin and his eldest son Osfrith are KIA, and his younger son Eadfrith is captured by Penda and later killed; Northumbria decays back into the kingdoms of Bernicia and Deira; Queen Ethelburga escapes by sea to Kent with her children and her bishop Paulinus, taking many of Edwin's treasures, after which King Eadbald gives her a ruined Roman villa at Lyminge on the sea side of Canterbury, where she builds the first nunnery in England and becomes the first Anglo-Saxon nun, and is later joined by her sister St. Edburga of Lyming (-650), who becomes the first Anglo-Saxon virgin nun; later the Welsh like to wear a leek in their caps on St. David's Day (Mar. 1) in commemoration of this battle, conveniently forgetting that it was a pagan V; meanwhile Northumbria is laid waste by mean murderous Cadwalla, and St. Oswald and his brother Eanfrith return from exile in Dalriada Scotland on a comeback tour, starting with Eanfrith becoming king of Bernicia, while Deira is ruled by Edwin's Christian cousin (son of his uncle Aelfric) Osric of Deira (-634); too bad, after gaining power both Eanfrith and Osric go hog pagan wild. Foith (Uuid) dies, and his eldest son Gartnait III mac Foith (Uuid) (-637) becomes king of the Picts (until 637). The Fourth Council (Synod) of Toledo, called by king Sisenand and presided over by Archbishop St. Isidore meets in the Church of St. Leocadia, and proclaims ex-king Suinthila a tyrant, removes all taxes on the clergy, and proclaims the right of nobles and bishops to confirm elections to the Visigoth crown; it prohibits the pesky Jews from keeping slaves, and puts all tithes in the care of the bishop; the filioque ("filio que") (Lat. "and [from] the Son") clause is inserted into the 381 Trinitarian (anti-Arian) Creed of the First Council of Constantinople after the words "We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father", to emphasize that Jesus the Son is of equal divinity with God the Father and has equal spirit-generating mojo; too bad, the Eastern Orthodox Church can't swallow it, since it can't get over how/why a father isn't superior to his own jism, er, son, and declares it heretical in 867, then jisms, er, schisms completely with the Roman Church in Crab Nebula Year 1054. Deaths: Arab Muhammad's youngest daughter Fatima (b. 606), founder of the House of the Fatimids; dies after Umar and his men break inside her house and the door handle hits her stomach, killing her fetus Mohsin, and leading to her death in a few mo.; all her descendants are called sharif (sherif, shereef), and are entitled to wear a veil or green turban - a 50-yarder?

634 - The Schmear Year of Omar and Oswald? The Muslim Allah-Akhbars continue their Antichrist Mission: Impossible, while the Christians get their first big stronghold in faroff Britain, not in the south, but in the north, all the way to Edinburgh, with German king Oswald?

Caliph Omar (577-644) St. Oswald of Northumbria (605-42) Sophronius of Jerusalem (560-638) St. Birinus (600-49)

634 In June Rashidun gen. Khalid ibn al-Walid (585-642) leads a half-army of 9K Arab Muslim Saracens (Arab. "shirqiyyeen" = easterners)into Syria, hooking up with 23K more under gens. Abu Ubaidah ibn al-Jarrah, Yazid bin Abu-Sufyan, Sharjeel bin Hosanna, and Amr ibn al-Aas and taking Sawa, Aarak, Tarmad, Sakhna, Qadma, Qarteen, Hawwareen before reaching the Uqab Pass 20 mi. from Damascus; in July the First Battle of Marj Rahit near Damascus (2nd in 684) sees the Ghassanid Arabs (allies of the Byzantine Empire) defeated by the Rashidun army under Khalid bin Walid, clearing the Muslim army's rear so they can advance toward Bosra (Bostra) (modern-day Busra al-Sham) 67 mi. S of Damascus (capital of the Ghassanids, formerly capital of the Roman Province of Arabia); on July 30 the 32K-man Rashidun army defeats 12K Roman troops at the Battle of Bosra (Bostra), becoming the first Byzantine vassal to be captured by the Muslims; in July the Rashidun army defeats the 80K-man Byzantine army at the Battle of Ajnadayn in S Palestine, building a mosque inside the ancient Temple of Jupiter, which had been converted into a fortress, after which they sweep up the coast of Palestine as far as Caesarea, forcing Jews to convert by the sword and massacring 4K Jewish, Christian, and Samaritan peasants, which really hits the Samaritans hard - by 2007 there are only 712 left; on Aug. 21-Sept. 19 the Siege of Damascus sees 20K Muslims under Khalid ibn al-Walid take Damascus, defended by a 15K-16K army under Thomas with heavy Byzantine Christian losses after a Monophysite bishop tells the Muslims of a weak spot in the walls at night, allowing them to enter at the Eastern Gate, after which Abu Ubaidah negotiates surrender terms with the cmdr. of the Byzantine garrison, sparing the lives the pop. and allowing them to practice their faith incl. their non-Chalcedonian anti-Monothelete doctrines without pressure from Constantinople in return for accepting Muslim Sharia rule incl. payment of the jizya, which al-Walid reluctantly agrees to for fear that doing what Allah wants and massacring them will stiffen resistance in other towns; after waiting three days, Khalid ibn al-Walid pursues the refugees and defeats them near modern-day Al Jayyad; he goes on to remain undefeated in 100+ battles. On Aug. 23 Abu Bakr (b. 573) dies, and is succeeded by Muhammad's adviser and brother-in-law (#1 Sahaba) Omar (Umar) (Arab. "eloquent", "long life") ibn Al-Khattab "the Great" (577-644) as caliph #2 (until Nov. 3, 644), who goes on to conquer Syria, Persia, and Egypt, defeat Byzantine emperor Heraclius I, and institute the Islamic taxation system, which requires "People of the Book" (Ahl al-Kitab) (pesky Jews and Christians, who go for that perverted version of the Quran they call the Little Library of Books or Bible) to pay a special poll tax called the jizya (see Surah 9:29), and (after too many feign conversion to avoid the ban on non-Muslim ownership of land) a special land tax called the kharaj in order to practice their faith and not be killed for failing to submit (it is usually grudgingly accepted with a slap in the face?), ending up financing the Muslim state when they capture Syria and Egypt, which have large Christian pops., meaning no taxes for the lucky Muslim faithful (gain the world and lose your soul jokes here?); Omar also creates garrison settlements (amsar) to keep Arab troops separate from newly conquered peoples, founding the new cities of Kufa (639) and Basra (636) in Iraq, and Fustat (641) in Egypt; he makes Islam attractive for soldiers by establishing the diwan, a list of soldiers entitled to govt. stipends ('ata), with the earlier converts getting higher pay. On Sept. 20 after reaching Damascus, being forced to withdraw to Yarmuk, defeating the Byzantines, then reattacking with the help of the Monophysites in Syria (who are tired of Roman Catholic persecution), the Muslims under Khalid ibn Walid capture Damascus, and force the Pact of Omar on the Christian dhimmis (people of the dhimma or protection pact), which prohibits them from building new churches or repairing existing ones, practicing their religion publicly or converting anyone to it, displaying the cross or ringing church bells, riding saddles or bearing arms, selling alcoholic beverages, displaying wine or pork openly, etc., and forced them to show respect to Muslims, give them their seats if asked, plus ree room and board for three days, etc., even forcing them to look different than Muslims so there will be no question who's superior to whom by wearing the zunnar (zonnar) (wide cloth belt) and different colored shoes, keeping to the side of the street and never using the Muslim greeting "as-Salamu alaykum", all this protection in return for paying the jizya (punishment tax); ascetic Damascus-born Egyptian-trained non-Chalcedonian monk Sophronius (560-638) flees and becomes Christian patriarch of Jerusalem (until 638), giving a Christmas sermon noting that the I-love-you-too-much Muslims already control Bethlehem, and calling them "unwitting representatives of God's inevitable chastisement of weak and wavering Christians"; meanwhile sometime after this, according to the Chanson de Roland (1140-70), trembling Christians get the idea that the Muslims worship Termagant (Termagaunt), a male god that is part of the Muslim Trinity, even though Muslims worship Allah and have no Trinity; by the time of William Shakespeare (1600) a termagant becomes a mannish woman, esp. a quarrelsome scolding woman or virago. Pagan king Cadwalla of Gwynedd kills pagan king Eanfrith during a peace talk, then is sieged by pagan king Osric but stages a surprise attack and kills him, after which Christian prince St. Oswald (605-42) defeats and kills Cadwalla and reunites Deira and Bernicia, becoming king of Christian Northumbria (until 642), and the most powerful ruler in Britain, controlling the territory from the Humber River to the Firth of Forth; Cadwalla's infant son Cadwalder (b. 633) is too young, and Cadafael Cadomedd (Gael. "battle-shirker") ap Cynfeddw (-655) seizes power, becoming a "peasant king" of Gwynedd, and allying with Mercia; The Death Song of Cadwalla is composed by anon. The Fourth Council of Toledo orders total separation of Jews and Christians in Visigoth Spain - just wait till the Muslims come, and see what the pissed-off Jews do? King Cynegils allows Frankish bishop (St.) Birinus (600-49) to preach Christianity in pagan Mercia, and he lands in Portchester, Hampshire, works his way through the Christian Celts to the Thames River Valley, then decides to stay and work on the pagan Saxons of Wessex, finally meeting King Cynegils at Churn Knob in Blewbury, Berkshire, going on to convert him and become the first bishop of Wessex. St. Edwin of Northumbria founds the city of Edinburgh (Edwinesburch) (Edwinburgh) (Gael. "Din Eidyn" = Edwin's fort) (modern=day pop. 470K/1.25M) on the Firth of Forth, centered around Castle Rock on Lookout Hill - say EH-din-BUH-rah? Births: English Celtic bishop and ascetic monk (St.) Cuthbert of Lindisfarne (d. 687) in Dunbar, Northumbria (Scotland); grows up in Lauderdale; feast day: Mar. 20 (Aug. 31) (Sept. 4) English abbot (St.) Wilfrid (Wilfrith) of York (d. 709) in Northumbria; of noble parentage; educated at Lindisfarne Abbey; feast day: Oct. 12. Greek patriarch of Constantinople (715-30) (St.) Germanus I (d. 740) (d. 733?); turned into a eunuch after his father Justinian is executed in 668 for involvement in the murder or Emperor Constans II; feast day: May 12.

St. Aidan of Lindisfarne (590-651)

635 Kings Cynegils of Wessex and St. Oswald of Northumbria are baptized by Bishop Birinus, and Oswald requests the Scots (in W Scotland) to send a bishop to convert his mostly pagan people, and they send Kleenex, er, Connacht-born (St.) Aidan of Lindisfarne (590-651), "the apostle of England (Northumbria)" from Iona off the W coast of Scotland, who establishes himself on the Holy Island of Lindisfarne (Lindesfarne) ("Land's Corner") ("Land's Horn") off the NE coast of England, and preaches the Celtic version of Christianity; the causeway with the mainland is flooded twice a day by tides - get back, Jojo? Having seen the razor-clear light of a Saracen sword, Heraclius I forms an alliance with Kubrat of Bulgaria against the Avars. The Chalukyas repulse Harsha's invasion. Nestorian monk Alopen (Olopen) (Olopan) (Olopuen) (Chin. pronunciation of "Rabban") arrives in China with a delegation to Emperor Tsai-Tung, who receives them with respect, hears their yim yam out, and orders the Christian scriptures trans. into Chinese for further study; Alopen founds the first Nestorian Christian mission in China (until the 13th cent.) - we'll take it under, ahem, advisement and get back with you later? Architecture: The Columban Monastery is founded in Old Melrose on the S Bank of the Tweed 40 mi. SE of Edinburgh. Births: Chinese Buddhist monk Yijing (I Ching) (I-Tsing) (Zhang Wenming) (d. 713) in Fanyang. French mayor of the palace of Austrasia (680-714) Pepin (Pipin) (Pippin) (Peppin) II of Herstal (d. 714); grandson of Pepin I the Elder (580-640). Deaths: Chinese Tang emperor #1 (618-26) Tang Gao Zu (b. 566) on June 25.

636 - The Damascus Gets Caliphs Chintila Year? The big year that the Muslims take Big J, and won't give it back? It wasn't the year 666, but to the superstitious it's 2 out of 3 at least?

Caliph Omar (586-644) Sophronius (560-638) Chintila of Spain (-639)

636 Sisenand dies, and Chintila (-639) is elected Visigoth king of Spain (until 639), going on to fight revolts in Septimania (Gallia Narbonensis) and Gallaecia (Galicia) in NW Spain while giving the keys to the store to the bishops; in June they convoke the Fifth Council of Toledo, which decrees that the king has be a nobleman, with clerics, peasants, and foreigners prohibited from election. On July 23 the Muslim Arabs under Gen. Khalid capture Gaza, the principal Jewish community in Byzantine Judea from the Byzantines, then in Nov. siege Jerusalem for 6 mo., taking it in Apr. 637, with Muslim caliph #2 (634-44) Omar (Umar) (586-644) personally receiving the city's submission on the insistence of Patriarch Sophronius, causing Omar to come from Medina to Jerusalem (600 mi.) humbly on a camel, carrying a bag of barley, a bag of dates, a water skin, and a wooden platter, with only one attendant; when his own emirs greet him in fine silks he throws a tantrum, as well as handfuls of dirt at them, impressing the Greek proprietors of Big J, who present him with a key to the city; he then meets with Monophysite Christian Patriarch (634-8) Sophronius (560-638) of Jerusalem, with whom he tours the Holy Places, making jokes about his followers being too expensive, and refusing an invitation to pray at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, saying he didn't want to endanger its status as a Christian temple, instead praying outside it on the steps E of the church; since Christian mucky-mucks had claimed that the Bible predicts that a humble but just and powerful man will come to Jerusalem riding on an ass and will actually prove to be a protector an ally to the Christians of Jerusalem, Sophronius dies a happy man; the happy Jews are allowed back and allowed to practice their religion but are forbidden to ride horses, hold judicial or civil posts or build new synagogues; Neapolis comes under Muslim rule, and its name is Arabicized to Nablus; the neighborhood of Silwan (Heb. "Shiloah", Gk. "Silwan") in modern-day East Jerusalem (on top of the old City of David) is granted to an agricultural community of cave-dwellers living there called Khan Silowna; Sophronius accepts the Umari Treaty (Umariyya Covenant), in which the Holy Sepulchre and the True Cross are protected, and all Christian churches and relics are left in Christian hands, with Christians protected as long as they pay I'm-your-whore protection money (jizya); the spot where Caliph Omar prayed outside the Holy Sepulchre becomes the site of the Mosque of Omar (Umar), which according to Gallic bishop Arculf, who lived in Jerusalem in 679-688 was a rectangular wooden structure built over ruins that could accommodate 3K worshipers; Caliph Omar argued about the location for this first Muslim mosque in Jerusalem with Yemeni Jewish (rabbi) convert to Islam Ka'b al-Ahbar (-653), who recommends building it N of the Rock (foundation of the Jewish Temple of Solomon), to which Omar replies "Oh you son of a Jew, is your Jewishness dominating your view?", explaining that that would force Muslims to bow down towards both Mecca and the Jewish Temple, and deciding to build it S of the Rock so that their asses face it instead; Jerusalem becomes Islam's 3rd holiest city after Mecca and Medina, for a long time being called Bayt al-Maqdes, then al-Quds al-Sharif, but not being regarded as a holy city until the 680s, when the caliph ruling from Damascus fights a revolt by the Muslims in control of Mecca, and decides to turn Big J into a counter-pilgrimage site, building the Dome of the Rock as the Disney World to their Disneyland; meanwhile the Muslims. who don't believe in Jesus' resurrection start calling the Anastasis al-qumamah ("the dungheap") instead of al-qiyamah ("the resurrection". On Aug. 15-20 25K-40K Muslim Arabs under Gen. Khalid defeat 80K-100K Byzantines under Heraclius I at the epic Battle of Qadisiyya (Yarmuk) (Yarmouk) on the banks of the Yarmuk River (tributary of the Jordan River) near Hira, with 50K Byzantines vs. 4K Muslims KIA, and capture Damascus, which becomes the capital of the caliphs (until 750), and which they go on to fortify and adorn while going on to annex the rest of the Levant, making Syria (part of the Roman empire since 64 B.C.E.) Muslim; part of the reason for their defeat is that the Byzantines are used to hiring Christian Ghassanid Arab auxiliaries for their cavalry, most of whom double-cross them and switch sides, leaving them up Shit Creek without a paddle - we Arabs now have our own faith, so screw you? Neapolis comes under Muslim rule, and its name is Arabicized to Nablus. Arioald dies, and his relative Rothari (-652), duke of Brescia becomes the last Arian king of the Long Beard Lombard kingdom of Italy (until 652), executing many insurbordinate dukes and solidifying his rule; he goes on to produce the first written codification of Lombard law in the Edictum Rothari (adopted 643), although it only applies to Lombard subjects, and Roman law ultimately triumphs, his stuff surviving only in the schools of Pavia et al. Persian shah Yazdgerd III sends a letter to Caliph Omar, with the soundbyte: "We, in the name of Ahura Mazda, practice compassion and love and goodness and righteousness and forgiveness, and care for the dispossessed and the unfortunate. But you, in the name of your Allah-u-Akbar commit murder, create misery and subject others to suffering." The city of Basra is founded by Caliph Omar. After the Muslims invade Persia, Zoroastrian fire worshipers (ignicolists?) settle in C India; others settle in Yezd (Yazd), which by modern times has the largest Zoroastrian pop. in Iran. The S Irish Church submits to the Roman Church. Architecture: Dagobert I founds the Abbey of St. Denis. Births: English Northumbrian queen (abbess of Ely) (St.) Audrey (Ethelreda) (Aethelthryth) (d. 679) in Exning (near Newmarket), Suffolk; daughter of Anna of East Anglia. Deaths: Spanish bishop St. Isidore of Seville (b. 560) on Apr. 4.

637 - The Umari Treaty Year?

637 In Apr. Caliph Omar personally receives the submission of Jesus' old digs of Jerusalem (which they call Elya Al-Quds) after Patriach Sophronius (560-638) prefers to accept the Umari Treaty (Pact of Umar) (Umariyya Covenant) rather than fight, in which the Holy Sepulchre and the True Cross are protected, and all Christian churches and relics are left in Christian hands, in return for paying a jizya (tribute); Caliph Omar comes from Medina to Jerusalem (600 mi.) humbly on a camel, carrying a bag of barley, a bag of dates, a water skin, and a wooden platter; he has only one attendant, and when his own emirs greet him in fine silks he throws a tantrum, as well as handfuls of dirt at them, impressing the Greek proprietors of Big J, who present him with a key to the city; he meets with Patriarch Sophronius of Jerusalem, with whom he tours the Holy Places, making jokes about his followers being too expensive, and refusing an invitation to pray at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, saying he doesn't want to endanger its status as a Christian temple; Christian mucky-mucks had claimed that the Bible predicts that a humble but just and powerful man will come to Jerusalem riding on an ass and will actually prove to be a protector an ally to the Christians of Jerusalem, so Sophronius dies a happy man early next year?; Jews are allowed back and are allowed to practice their religion but are forbidden to ride horses, hold judicial or civil posts or build new synagogues; the neighborhood of Silwan (Heb. "Shiloah", Gk. "Silwan") in modern-day East Jerusalem (on top of the old City of David) is granted to an agricultural community of cave-dwellers living there called Khan Silowna. On June 24 King Domnall Breac of the Dalriada Scots is defeated by the Irish at the Battle of Magh Rath (Moira) in Ulster, losing control of his family homeland in Ireland triggering the curse of St. Columba on kings of the Scots who fight their own people? Persian resistance to the Muslims stiffens, and Persian Gen. Rustam gives them a damned good fight at the Battle of Kadessia (Qadisiyya) in Iraq, where he sits on a golden throne on a raised platform at the rear of his ranks of levied soldiers; after three days of a push, the Arabs suddenly receive reinforcements, and the Persians attempt a quick win with a charge of their 33 war elephants, but one is wounded painfully and goes beserk, charging and panicking the other elephants, who end up breaking the Persian line, and this time the Arabs press home and slay infidels all night long, killing Rustam and winning one for Big A; then occupy and plunder the Sassanian imperial capital of Ctesiphon. The Muslims capture Tarsus, causing future archbishop of Canterbury Theodore of Tarsus to flee to Constantinople, where he becomes a top student. Gartnait III dies, and his brother Bridei (Bruide) II Mac Foith (Uuid) (-642) becomes king of the Picts (until 642). Caliph Omar argues about the location for the first Muslim mosque in Jerusalem with Yemeni Jewish (rabbi) convert to Islam Ka'b al-Ahbar (-653), who recommends building it N of the Rock, to which Omar replies: "Oh you son of a Jew, is your Jewishness dominating your view?", explaining that that would force Muslims to bow down towards both Mecca and the Jewish Temple, then deciding to build it S of the Rock so that their asses face it instead; Jerusalem is not regarded as a Muslim holy city until the 680s, when the caliph ruling from Damascus fights a revolt by the Muslims in control of Mecca, and decides to turn it into a counter-pilgrimage site. Architecture: The Apse Mosaics in the Church of St. Agnese in Rome are finished. Births: French king of Neustria and Burgundy (639-58) Clovis II (the Do-Nothing) (d. 658); son of Dagobert I (602-39); brother of Siegebert III (630-56); husband (639-) of St. Bathild of Ascania (626-80); first in a long line of mad French kings?

638 - The Monothelete Year?

Pope Severinus (-640)

638 On Mar. 1 anti-Monothelete Patriarch Sophronius (b. 580) dies, followed on Oct. 12 by quasi-Monothelete Pope Honorius I, and in Dec. by Monothelete Constantinople Patriarch Sergius. In June the Sixth (6th) Council of Toledo outlaws non-Roman Catholics in the Visigoth kingdom of Spain, causing many forced conversions, many of them fake, esp. Jews - giving them a reason to not get mad but get even? On Oct. 12 Pope (since 625) Honorius I dies, and in Oct. Pope (#71) Severinus (-640) is elected, but Emperor Heraclius I refuses to grant his confirmation until he signs the Ekthesis (Ecthesis), issued this year, written by Patriarch Sergius, proclaiming the Monothelete Doctrine of the Single Will (in two natures) as the official doctrine of the shrinking Byzantine Orthodox Church, which Severinus rejects - I can hear them say I'd rather get 72 virgins in Paradise when I've killed all the morons like you I can? Persian Shah Yazdgird III appeals to the Chinese for help against the Mad Muslims, but goes unanswered; meanwhile the Muslims conquer Iraq as far N as Mosul; once-boss Ctesiphon begins to decay before the prosperity of the nearby Arab capital of Baghdad (Pers. "god's gift", "fair garden"), after which the Persians yield the Euphrates region, incl. Antioch and Beroea, the latter being renamed Haleb (Alep); Omar sanctions chess for Muslims, and the conquest of Persia causes the game to change from chatrang to shatranj. Farquhard I dies, and Donald IV (-652) becomes king of the Scots (until 652). Bertin of St. Omer (615-709) moves to N France to assist his kinsman Bishop St. Omer (-670) in evangelizing the Morini pagans of Belgic Gaul, going on to establish a monastery and do a lot of converting. Emperor Tai Zhong finishes his examination of Christian scriptures and announces them satisfactory for preaching in his empire, granting Nestorian missionary Alopen the right to preach, and allowing the Qing Jiao (Da Qin) Temple and a monastery to be built in Yining Fang (burnt 845) - it must have been a bad translation? Births: French Christian hunting and outdoors lover (bishop of Liege) (St.) Hubert (Hubertus) (d. 727); developer of the Bloodhound dog breed. Deaths: Jerusalem patriarch (634-8) Sophronius (b. 560) on Mar. 11 in Jerusalem; actually executed in early 640 by the Muslims for persuading 60 captured Byzantine soldiers not to convert to Islam to save their souls? Constantinople patriarch Sergius in Dec.

639 - The Champagne Shampoo Carolingian Dynasty Year?

639 Caliph Omar starts the practice of dating time with the Hejira (Hegira) (622 C.E.), which becomes 1 A.H. (Anno Hegirae). On Jan. 19 Dagobert I (b. 603) dies after a revolt against his firm rule, and his son Clovis II (637-58) becomes king of Neustria and Burgundy, while his older 9-y.-o. son Sigebert III remains king of Austrasia, growing up to pious adulthood under the tutelage of Blessed Count Pepin I of Landen (who comes out of retirement to become mayor again) et al.; being child kings, from now on the Merovingian kings are rois faineants (fainéants) ("do-nothings"), ruling in name only, while the mayors of the palace begin dominating Austrasia and Neustria, and Pepin I's daughter (St.) Begga (Begue) (Begge) of Andenne (615-93) marries Ansegisel (Ansgise) (602-661) (610-678?), son of Bishop Arnulf of Metz, uniting the Pepin and Arnulf clans and founding the new improved combo Carolingian (Carlovingian) Dynasty of Frankish kings - I need you like a needle needs a vein? Chintila dies, and, despite the new elective rules, his son Tulga (-642) becomes king of Visigoth Spain (until 642). The Muslim Arabs under Gen. Amr ibn al-As (al-Aas) (583-664) overrun Mesopotamia and invade Egypt, conquering it in 642; yet more invade Armenia (ends 653). French goldsmith-councilor St. Eligius becomes a priest, then next year is named bishop of Noyon. Deaths: French king (623-39) Dagobert I (b. 603) on Jan. 19.

640 - The Mr. Clean Year in Arabia?

Pope John IV (-642)

640 On Jan. 20 King (since 616) Eadbald of Kent dies, and after his elder brother Eormenred (-663) is passed over, he is succeeded by his younger son Eorcenberht (Aerconberht) (Earconberht) (Earconbert) (-664) (until July 14, 664), going on to order all pagan idols to be destroyed and that Lent be observed, becoming the first British king to do it. On May 28 Pope Severinus, after holding out on signing the Ekthesis for 18 mo. is consecrated, and dies 3 mo. later on Aug. 2; on Dec. 24 the son of Venantius is elected Pope (#72) John IV (-642), continuing with the rejection of Monotheletism, the news pissing-off dying Emperor Heraclius I, who declares on his deathbed that the whole controversy is the fault of Patriarch Sergius, and that he pressured him into giving his unwilling approval to the Ekthesis; John IV writes to the Irish about the Easter Controversy and Pelagianism; the Roman Catholics want Easter to fall on the first Sunday after the first full moon on or after the vernal equinox. 10-y.-o. Sigebert III of Austrasia leads an invasion of Thuringia in an attempt to annex it, but is defeated by Duke Radulph, causing the boy king to weep in his saddle. While religiously cleansing all Jews and Christians from Arabia, the Muslims conquer Caesarea after a 7-mo. siege after a Jew named Joseph leads the Muslims through a tunnel under the city - getting even for the coat of many colors? The Arabs under gen. Amr ibn al-As siege and take the fortress of Babylon-in-Egypt on the E bank of the Nile in Egypt, and move toward Heliopolis. The Croats conquer the Avars in Dalmatia, absorbing it into their kingdom (until 1102). The Sanhedrin (High Court) Period of Judaism ends. The Byzantine Period in Archeology ends, and the Early Arab Period in Archeology begins (ends 1099). Births: Irish Catholic missionary bishop (St.) Killian (Kilian) (d. 687) in Mullah, County Cavan (Scotland?); born to noble parents; feast day: July 8. Bulgarian khan #1 (681-701) Asparukh (Asparuh) (Isperih) (Ispor) (d. 701); father of Tervel (675-721). Syriac bishop-writer Jacob of Edessa (d. 708) in Antioch. English scholar-bishop (St.) Aldhelm (d. 709) of Sherborne; first Englishman to write Latin verse; also writes Anglo-Saxon poetry; feast day: May 25. Muslim gov. of North Africa (Ifriqiya) (lame) Musa bin Nusayr (Nusair) (d. 716) in Kafarma, Syria; father is a freed Arab (Syrian or Iraqi) slave?; father is a Jewish rabbi convert to Islam, who really names him Moses? Deaths: Arab first Muslim muezzin Bilal ibn Rabah (b. 580) on Mar. 2 (642?) in Damascus (Medina?); his descendants migrate to Ethiopia. French mayor of the palace Count Pepin I of Landen (b. 580) on Feb. 27. Frankish bishop-statesman St. Arnulf of Metz (b. 582) near Remiremont; in July 642 the parishioners of Metz travel to Remiremont to collect his remains, and when they reach Champigneulles they are dying of thirst, after which Duc Notto prays for Arnulf's intercession, and a drop of beer at the bottom of a pot miraculously multiplies enough to refresh them all so that they arrive in Metz the next evening.

641 - Good year for beard lovers?

Byzantine Emperors Heraclius I (575-641), Constantine III (612-41) and Heraclonas (626-41) Byzantine Emperor Constans II the Bearded (630-68) Japanese Empress Kogyoku/Samei (594-661)

641 On Feb. 11 emperor (since 610) Heraclius I (b. 575) dies after losing Syria, Palestine, Mesopotamia, and Egypt to the Muslims, and his son Constantine III (Heraclius Novus Constantinus) (b. 612) and his younger half-brother (son of Martina) Heraclonas (b. 626) succeed him as Byzantine emperors #111 and #112, but Constantine III dies on May 25 of TB (murdered?); in Sept. after Martina is suspected of poisoning him, Heraclius' 11-y.-o. grandson Constans (Constantius) II Pogonatus (Pogonatos) (the Bearded) (630-668) is made co-emperor under pressure, but shortly the Senate deposes Heraclonas, slits his nose and exiles him, along with Martina and her other sons, and Constans II becomes sole Byzantine emperor #113 (with the longest beard?) (the Abe Lincoln of the Bee-Beards?), and tries to organize against the Muslim Arab threat, reorganizing the provincial admin. by establishing themes (themata) and strategoi (military govs.) with wide authority over civil officials to mobilize against invading raghead Muslim killer zombies; the new Dept. of Homeland Security org. stays in place for cents.? On Nov. 4 the Arabs under Gen. 'Amr ibn al-As (583-664) destroy the Byzantine army at the Battle of Heliopolis and siege the Egyptian capital of Alexandria; the Muslim conquest of Egypt causes Adulis (key to the trade route to India) to be closed to Abyssinia (Ethiopia), which is cut off from the rest of Christendom for the next eight cents; on Nov. 8 the Treaty of Alexandria, which seals the Arab conquest of Egypt expressly stipulates that the city's 40K Jews are to be allowed to remain, after which the last Byzantine troops evacuate the city next Sept. 17; too bad, the Arabs allegedly burn the 300K papyrus scrolls of the Library of Alexandria on orders of Caliph Omar to heat the public baths, the supply running out in one year, ending the great School of Alexandria that brought us all that math and science, and worse, the closing of the Mediterranean by Islamic pirates on endless jihad shut off the supply of papyrus to the West, forcing aging papyrus books to have to be replaced by more expensive parchment, causing 95% or more of classical Western works to be lost forever. too bad, after the Copts find out about being treated as 9th class and having to pay jizya, they start a long and hopeless resistance that peters out by the 9th cent; worse, while Persia manages to hold onto its language and culture, especially after work of 10th cent. Persian poet Firdawsi, Egypt is completely absorbed, and the pop. begins speaking Arabic instead of Coptic; the pop. of Egypt, which is 9M this year, reaches 80M by 2011, while the Coptic pop. slides from a majority (90+%?) to 10% (800K), going down fast; modern-day Muslim apologists who try to push the phony conception of jihad as an inner struggle but have to confront history like this of unprovoked invasion and takeover actually stoop to claim that these Egyptian Christians were really proto-Muslims because they were Arians and saw eye-to-eye on Christ's lack of divinity, hence they were just being liberated. :) On Nov. 17 emperor (since 629) Jomei (b. 594) dies, and next year his iron-balled wife Kogyoku (594-661) (personal name Ame Toyo-Takara Ikashi-hi Tarashi-hime) becomes the 2nd woman to ascend the Chrysanthemum Throne as Japanese Yamato emperor #35 (until July 12, 645). Lombard king Rothari conquers Genoa from the Byzantines, followed by the rest of Liguria by 643, kicking the Busy Bees out of all Italy except the marshes of Ravenna in NE Italy. Bruide II dies, and his brother Talorc II mac Foith (Uuid) (-653) becomes king of the Picts (until 653). Roman Patriarch John IV condemns the Ekthesis - icky thesis? Architecture: Armenian architecture reaches its prime under patriarch Nerses III. The garrison city of Fustat (Fostat) is founded by Muslim gen. 'Amr ibn al-'As (583-664) (a companion of Muhammad) as the capital of Egypt, housing the Amr Mosque (Mosque of Amr ibn al-As), the first mosque in Africa, built next year. Births: Arab Muslim poet Al-Farazdaq (Arab. "lump of dough") (Hammam ibn Ghalib Abu Firas) (d. 731) in Kadhima (modern-day Kuwait); lives in Basra. Deaths: Byzantine emperor Heraclius I (b. 575) on Feb. 11. Japanese Yamato emperor #34 (629-41) Jomei (b. 594) on Nov. 17. Byzantine emperor Constantine III (b. 612) on May 25.

642 - A charnel (bad) year for librarians?

Chindasuinth of Spain (563-653) Pope Theodore I (-649) Amr Mosque, 642

642 On Apr. 30 after Tulga is overthrown by 79-y.-o. warlord Chindasuinth (Chindaswinth) (563-653) (cmdr. of the Basque frontier known for putting down pesky holdout Arians), he is elected king by a convention in Pampalica (modern-day Pampliega), and becomes king of Visigoth Spain, stopping any possible revolt by executing 200 noble and 500 petty noble Goths and banishing and confiscating property from a bunch of others without a trial; during his reign Muslims first begin ravaging the coast of Andalusia; with the assistance of Zaragoza bishop (St.) Braulio (Braulius) of Zaragoza (590-651) he draws up the Roman-like Liber Ludiciorum law code that supersedes the Breviary of Alaric used by the Hispano-Roman pop. and the Code of Leovigild used by the Gothic pop.; his son Recceswinth finishes it in 654. Score one for good old fashioned Valhalla-style paganism, Thor, his daughter Thrud and all? On Aug. 5 pagan King Penda of Mercia defeats and kills Christian king St. Oswald of Northumbria (b. 605) at the Battle of Maserfeld (Maserfels) (Maes Cogwy) 7 mi. from Shrewsbury on the border of Wales near Offa's Dyke, extending his power over Wessex and East Anglia; Oswald's brother Oswy (Oswiu) (Oswin) (-670) succeeds him as king of Northumbria (Deira and Bernicia), ruling from the Humber River to the Mersey River in the N to below the Forth-Clyde line of Scotland in the S; region around Pengwern (modern-day Shropshire) is sacked, the royal family slaughtered, and most of its lands annexed by Powys. On Sept. 17 the last Byzantine troops evacuate Alexandria, leaving the Arabs in control of Egypt; they burn the 300K papyrus scrolls of the Library of Alexandria to heat the public baths, but the supply runs out in one year, and the great Alexandrian school is kaput; the closing of the Mediterranean by Islamic pirates shuts off the supply of papyrus to the West, forcing aging papyrus books to have to be replaced by more expensive parchment, hastening the Dark Ages as 95%+ of classical Western works are lost forever - so despite what the Christians did to pagan Alexandrian librarian Hypatia in 415, it wasn't the Christians but the Muslims who finally destroyed the accumulated knowledge of the ancients that brought us all that math and science, how 'bout them apples, Adam? On Oct. 12 Pope (since 640) John IV dies, and on Nov. 24 Pope (#73) Theodore I (-649) (a Greek) is elected. Exarch Plato of Ravenna tries to regain his lost territory from Lombard king Rothari, but is defeated at the Battle of the Scultenna (Panaro) River near Modena, losing 8K men. Christian Bulgarian ruler Kubrat dies. Uyja (Uija) Wang (-660) becomes the last king of the Paekche Kingdom in Korea, and begins attacking Silla, causing the latter to seek Chinese help. The Saracen Arabs invade Persia, and defeat a Persian counterattack at the Battle of Nihavend (Nihavand); Persian King Yazdgird III flees towards Afghanistan, and the Muslims begin taking the cities of W Iran, incl. Isfahan, Hamadan, Rayy and Qazvin; the caliphs rule Persia until 1258, and Zoroastrianism is booted out Islam - I'm a man not a machine baby? The Arabs break through the Darband (Derbent) Gate (which the Arabs call the Bab al Abwab or Gate of Gates) on the Caspian shore in Dagestan near the Azerbaijani border into the Euro side of the North Caucasus and attempt to capture Balanjar and establish a foothold on the Euro side of the Caucasus in order to take Constantinople from the rear, but are driven back. The Eleventh Gen. Synod of the Persian Church (Synod of Yeshuyab II) establishes Halwan as a metropolitanate. Domnall Breac, king of the Dalriada Scots is defeated and KIA by the Strathclyde Britons at the Battle of Strathcarron, ending the dominance of the Gabrain cenela (kinship group), and allowing the Loairn and the subgroup of the Comgaill to challenge for the kingship, causing Dalriada to split into rival petty kingdoms. The city of Giza, Egypt (al-Jizzah) ("the valley or plateau") on the Giza Plateau 12 mi. N of ancient Memphis on the W bank of the Nile River 3 mi. SW of Cairo (modern-day pop. 3.6M) is founded by the Muslims, becoming the 3rd largest city in Egypt and world's 2nd largest suburb after Yokohama Japan, tied with Incheon, South Korea and Quezon City, Philippines. Nonfiction: Fredegar Scholasticus, Historia Francorum. Births: Spanish bishop of Toledo (680-90) (St.) Julian of Toledo (d. 690) in Toledo; of Jewish descent?; known for his knowledge of Greek. Arab Muslim scholar Hasan al-Basri (Abu Sai'd) (Abi'l-Hasan Yasar al-Basri) (d. 728) in Medina; Persian parents; wears wool (suf) to show rejection of luxurious Umayyad clothing, later giving the Sufi movement its name. Deaths: Arab Muslim gen. Khalid ibn al-Walid (b. 585) in Homs, Syria. British king St. Oswald (b. 605) on Aug. 5 in Maserfeld (KIA).

643 - The Charming Cock of the Rock Year?

Asparukh of Bulgaria (-701) Dome of the Rock, 643-92

643 The Muslim Saracens under Amr ibn al-As capture Tripoli in N Africa; Amr forces the Jews and Christians to hand over their women and children as slaves to the Arab army, and tells them to deduct their price from the jizya punishment tax. The Arabs conquer the Kurdish cities of Sharazor and Ardbaz in Iraq. Count Pepin I's son Grimoald the Elder (616-56) becomes mayor of the palace in Austrasia (until 656), where 13-y.-o. king Sigebert III is still trying to pass his French lessons? Cynegils dies, and his son Kenwal (Cenwealh) (-672) becomes king #7 of Wessex. Kubrat's younger son Asparukh (Asparoukh) (Asperukh) (Asperuch) (Isperikh) (Isperih) (-701) becomes ruler (khan) of the First Bulgarian Empire, inheriting the problems with the Avars and Khazars, and ruling up to 61 years (until 695-701). The Kingdom of Nepal (Gorkha) is founded with Tibetan help. Archbishop Sergios of Cyprus writes to Roman bishop (pope) Theodore I, referring to him as the successor of St. Peter and the Rock upon which the Cock, er, Church is founded - sure, now that the pope is a Greek? Nonfiction: Jonas, The Life of Columban (Vitae Columban).

644 In Jan. the Battle of Rasil on the W bank of the Indus River sees the Rashidun caliphate led by Subhail ibn Adi attack and the Buddhist Rai Kingdom (founded 416), annexing the Makran coast, weakening it and causing it to go kaput. On Nov. 7 Caliph Omar (b. 581) is stabbed to death in a mosque in Medina by a Persian slave with a personal (not poltical) grudge against him (didn't use enough olive oil?) right after appointing a committee to determine his successor (sure it wasn't political?), and is succeeded by converted Quraysh tribe pagan Othman (Uthman) (Osman) ibn Affan (579-656) as caliph #3 (until 656), who while he was still a pagan buried his own daughter alive, and who goes on to attempt to centralize the admin. of the new Muslim territories from Medina, continue the conquest of the Iranian plateau, starting with a multi-pronged advance into Armenia this year, and order the creation of a definitive official ed. of the Quran - the first digitally remastered DVD set of the Osmonds? The Tang Chinese move into Korea to help the Silla. King Rothari codifies the Lombard Law, covering the succession of legitimate and natural sons. Chinese Buddhist monk Xuangzang visits the Afghan city of Kapisa (known for wine) near Kabul, and claims that it's part of a Buddhist Kshatriya kingdom of 10 states. Christian Nestorian Metropolitan Eliyah of Merv converts a Turkish king and his army. Deaths: Arab Muslim caliph #2 (634-44) Omar the Great (b. 577) on Nov. 3 in Medina (murdered). Archbishop Paulinus.

645 On July 10 Japanese statesman Soga no Iruka (b. ?) is assassinated by crown prince Naka (future emperor Tenji) in front of his mother Japanese empress (since 642) Kogyoku (ending the Soga clan after his father Soga no Emishi commits suicide), causing her to abdicate on July 12 in favor of the dude, who graciously steps aside for his uncle (her brother) Kotoku (596-654), who becomes Japanese Yamato emperor #36 (until Nov. 24, 654), building his palace in the city of Osaka in Naniwa at the mouth of the Yodo River on Osaka Bay (modern pop. 2.6M/17.2M), which becomes the capital; the Taikwa Reform (ends 708) (giveaway-takeaway?) begins, rebuilding the central Japanese state and limiting the powers of the nobility. King Penda of Mercia drives King Kenwal of Wessex from his kingdom, causing him to take refuge with Anna, king of East Anglia; Anna is killed. Anglo-Saxon king Ethelhere's gold-laden ship sinks at Sutton Hoo in Suffolk, England (discovered in 1939) - it was sittin' on who? Yuan Chuang (Chwant) (Hiuen-Tsiang) returns to China, is embraced as a hero by the emperor, and writes his life, then retires to a monastery and translates the hundreds of Sanskrit Buddhist writings he brought from India. The city of Dos Pilas in Guatemala is founded. Births: Arab Umayyad caliph #2 (680-3) Yazid I ibn Muawiya ibn Abi Sufyan (d. 683) on July 23; son of Muawiya (602-80) and Maysun. Japanese Yamato emperor #41 (686-97) Jito (Uno) (d. 702); daughter of Tenji (626-72); wife of Temmu (631-86)

646 On Nov. 18 the Seventh (7th) Council of Toledo, attended by 41 bishops proclaims all of Chindasuinth's tyrannical actions ex-post facto okey dokey, toughens punishments for rebels while eliminating any exemption for clergy, limits the retinue of a bishop to a modest 50, and closes a loophole by ordering the death penalty for Christians who worship as Jews - horseradish, is that for horses? Exarch Gregory of Carthage (d. 649) sees the Arabic handwriting on the wall and declares independence from Constantinople, proclaiming himself emperor. A Byzantine fleet recaptures Alexandia from the Muslims, but does nothing to replace the priceless scrolls of antiquity burned there. Births: Arab Muslim Umayyad caliph #5 (685-705) Abd al-Malik (Arab. "servant of the king") (Abdal Melik) (Abdel Malik) ibn Marwan (d. 705) on Apr. 12 in Medina. Deaths: Irish abbot St. Gall (b. 550) in Arbon, Switzerland. French bishop of Bourges (624-46) St. Sulpitius the Pious (b. ?) on Jan. 17; feast day: Jan. 17; born in Vatan; not to be confused with Sulpicius Severus (363-425).

647 The Muslim Conquest of the Maghreb (North Africa) begins with 40K Arabs marching into Byzantine-held Africa, taking Tripolitania in modern-day Libya, and sweeping W, which is interrupted in 656 by an Arab civil war, and resumed in 665 with 40K Muslims taking Barca and defeating a 20K-man Byzantine army, after which in 670 10K Arabs take Kairouan (80 mi. S of Tunis), becoming the capital of the new Islamic province of Ifriqiya, which incl. Tunisia, Libya, and E Algeria, sweeping W toward the Atlantic until they are stopped at Tangier by Count Julian; too bad, they keep coming, and by 709 the Arabs control all of North Africa except Ceuta near the Pillars of Hercules, which doesn't stop them from invading Spain in 711. Emperor Harsha Vardhan of N India dies, and his empire breaks up into a bunch of warring petty states and principalities, leaving India in anarchy until the founding of the Muslim Khurasan kingdom The Muslims under Gen. Muawiyah raid Cappadocia, taking and plundering Kayseri (Caesarea), raping Christian women in churches, executing the leaders, and taking the pop. into slavery, causing the Christians to return to their underground cities, consisting of 200 complexes, with some rooms big enough to hold 10K. In 647 C.E. N Indian emperor (since 606) Harshavardhana dies without heirs, causing a power grab in Kannauj, with Arunasva the winner; too bad, he attacks Chinese Tang emperor Tai-sung's ambassador Wang Hstian-tse, who takes him POW back to China. Two Tang expeditions against Koguryo end in defeat. Births: Arab Muslim military leader (greatest warrior in Arabia?) Abbas (Arab. "lion") ibn Ali (Qamar Bani Hasim) (Moon of Banu Hasim) (d. 680) on May 15 (Shaban 4, 26 A.H.) in Medina; eldest son of Ali ibn Abi Talib (599-661) and 2nd wife Fatima bint Hizam al-Kilabiyyah (AKA Ummul Banin, "Mother of the Four Sons"); brother of Uthman bin Ali. Deaths: English Christian queen of Northumbria and abbess (first Anglo-Saxon nun) St. Ethelburga of Lyming (b. ?) on Sept. 8 in Lyming; daughter of Aethelbert and Bertha of Kent.

Recceswinth of Spain (-672)

648 On Jan. 20 tough but old king Chindasuinth has his son (by wife Recciberga) Recceswinth (Reccesuinth) (-672) crowned co-king in an attempt to make the monarchy hereditary again, and he becomes the real ruler while his old fart daddy rummages for the cole slaw and founds the Monastery of San Roman de la Hornija near Toro by the Douro River for his bones to rest in, then dies in 653, a typical Christian hypocrite, "impious, unjust and immoral" (Bishop Eugene II of Toledo); during Recceswinth's reign the bishops take over the govt. and dominate the nobles, setting themselves up to pick the king and hold him to their policies. The Arabs assemble a fleet and take Cyprus - Venus Vidi Vici? Byzantine Emperor Constans II issues the edict Typos, forbidding the monothelete controversy to be discussed - we gotta get along and survive the Mohammedites? Births: Japanese Yamato emperor #39 (671-2) Kobun (Prince Otomo) (d. 672).

Pope St. Martin I (-655) Maximos Confessor (580-662) Tang Gao Zong (628-83)

649 On May 14 Pope (since 642) Theodore I dies (poisoned?), leaving the "Papacy vacant at one of the most crucial times in the church's history", and on July 5 Pope (#74) (St.) Martin I (-655) (a deacon from Todi) (former papal uncio to Constantinople) is elected, becoming the first (only) pope consecrated without approval of the Byzantine emperor, ordering Emperor Constans II to repudiate the Monothelite doctrine, and convening the Lateran Council of 649 in Rome on Oct. 5-31 (three years in the making) ("in form as well as substance a manifestly Byzantine affair"), attended by 105 bishops, 104 from the W side of the Byzantine Empire (Italy, Sicily, Sardinia, Corsica, Africa) (25% Greek-speaking), which condemns it, becoming the first time a pope attempts to convene an ecumenical council independent of the emperor, athough it doesn't achieve ecumenical status; the council's canons are written by Maximos Confessor (Maximus the Confessor) (580-662) of Constantinople, creating the irony that the denunciation of Constantinople's theology comes from the "collaboration of a Greco-Palestinian pope and a Constantinopolitan monk emploing a style of theological discourse whose tradition was purely Eastern"; the council pisses-off Emperor Constans II, who orders Pope Martin I and Maximos Confessor arrested. On July 10 Tang Tai Zong (b. 599) dies, and his son (by empress Zhangsun) Tang Gao Zong (Li Zhi) (628-83) becomes Tang emperor #3 (until 683); the lavish Tomb of T'ai Tsung (Taizong) of Tang is built (626-49); 24-y.-o. empress Wu Zetian is sent to a nunnery, but soon makes a comeback by framing new empress Wang and her head concubine for strangling her infant daughter in 654, getting her deposed in 655 and marrying the new emperor herself, then having their hands and feet cut off and drowned in a well. The Arabs raid Carthage from Libya and kill Exarch Gregory. The Arabs complete their conquest of the Persian Empire. Nonfiction: Ma VI 165, the earliest surviving fragment of a portion of the Quran dates to this time. Deaths: Chinese Tang emperor #2 (626-49) Tai Zong (b. 599) on July 10. Frankish-born British Christian bishop St. Birinus (b. 600) on Dec. 9 in Wessex.

650 - The Bulgars Cross Jordan Year?

St. Martin's Church, Canterbury, 650 Bodhisattva of Chuguji, Nara, 650 Tamamushi Shrine, Nara, 650 Book of Durrow, 650

650 In this decade the Arab Slave Trade begins, taking 11M-18M black Africans across the Red Sea, Indian Ocean, and Sahara Desert by 1900, compared to 9M-14M brought to the Americas in the 15th-19th cents. After some Bulgarians tribes move W into Pannonia and Italy, Khan Asparukh takes his tribes across the Danube River; by this time Slav occupation of the Balkan area is complete. Yeshuyab III (-660) becomes patriarch of the Nestorians in Persia. Tang Gao Zong has a stroke, allowing his manly concubine Wu Zetian (-705) to take over, improving farming techniques, reducing taxes and introducing social reforms in a scheme to become the only empress in Chinese history. About this time Billingham in NE England is founded by a group of Saxons known as Billa's people. About this time the city of Ghent (Gael. "ganda" = confluence) at the confluence of the Scheldt and Leie Rivers in East Flanders, Belgium (modern-day pop 257K) begins as two abbeys founded by St. Amand(us) (584-675), going on to become the biggest city in Europe N of the Alps after Paris by the 13th cent., with a pop. of 65K. In this decade a school of medicine is active in Salerno, Italy, later evolving into a univ. In this half-cent. Maundy Thursday (day before Good Friday), the day on which the pope, Catholic sovereigns, prelates, priests and nobles are supposed to wash the feet of 12 or more beggars to commemorate Christ's washing of his disciples' feet becomes an official Roman Catholic feast day to commemorate the Last Supper - finger bowl, please, along with a joint and a goblet? Architecture: About this year (St.) Landry, bishop of Paris founds the Roman Catholic Hotel Dieu, (Fr. "Inn of God) church hospital. About this time wandering bishop Emmeram (-715) founds Ratisbon Monastery. St. Martin's Church in Canterbury, England is built on the site of a private chapel of Queen Bertha of Kent. The Tamamushi Shrine in Nara is built, complete with oil paintings from the life of big-bellied Buddha, becoming the first known Japanese work with a narrative content. Inventions: About this time bells are introduced into England. About this time the Chinese begin using lampblack ink to make rubbings for wood block prints. About this time the caliphs introduce the first organized news service since the Roman emperors? About this time Neumes, a notation for chants using groups of notes sung on a single syllable are developed, which is used until the year 1050 - the original lead sheets? The art of weaving develops in the Byzantine Empire in this decade. Nonfiction: Acupuncture becomes a special branch of Chinese medicine, and schools appear; Sun Simio writes the classic acupuncture text Prescription With a Thousand Gold for Emergencies. About this time a Primer on Surgery is pub. in India, describing bladder, peristalsis, and plastic surgery operations. Hot though it may be, the Arabs get a permanent brain freeze just before Christian year 666? Caliph Othman leads a group of Arabic scholars to produce the authoritative version of the Quran (Koran), dividing it into 114 chapters and ordering all variant copies destroyed, making it one of the purest religious texts of all time, and the earliest known work in Arabic prose; considered above criticism, sura #2 begins "This is the book in which there is no doubt". The Book of Durrow (illuminated Gospels) begins to be compiled, becoming the earliest Hiberno-Saxon illuminated ms. to survive to modern times. About this time Cummene the White writes a life of St. Columba, which is lost. In this half-cent. Irish writer (St.) Muirchu moccu Machtheni (Maccutinus) writes The Life of St. Patrick (Vita Sancti Patricii), crediting him with the conversion of Ireland, and The Life of St. Brigid. Art: The wooden Bodhisattva sculpture in the nunnery of Chuguji, Nara is sculpted. Poetry: About this time the Indian Sanskrit verse dictionary Amarakosha ("immortal collection") by Amarasimka is written. About this time Indian Sanskrit poet-grammarian Bhartrihari writes 100 Proverbs about life, love, resignation, and everything - the original hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy? Novels: About this time the Persian (Pahlavi) romance Chatrang-namak is written, describing the newfangled fad of chess. About this time Indian poet Banabhatta (Bana) writes the romantic Sanskrit novel Kadambari. Births: Greek Christian hermit (St.) Giles (Aegidius) (d. 710) in Athens; feast day: Sept. 1; gives away his wealth and becomes a hermit in the desert near Arles, France, and is discovered by Gothic king Flavius, who builds him a monastery and makes him its first abbot, which develops into the town of Saint-Gilles. Deaths: Arab Quraysh tribe Muslim leader Abu Sufyan (b. 560) on Sept. 2 (652?) in Medina (Mecca?); funeral prayers are led by kinsman Caliph Uthman. English princess-abbess (St.) Frideswide (Frideswith) (Fritheswithe) (Frevisse) (Fris) (d. 727) in Mercia; daughter of Dida of Eynsham and Safrida; feast day: Oct. 19. English princess (St.) Edburga of Lyming (b. ?) in Lyming; daughter of Bertha and Aethelberg; first Anglo-Saxon Christian virgin nun.

651 - The Merv Jeopardy Year?

651 The Byzantine fleet is defeated by the Egyptian fleet off the coast of Egypt; meanwhile after 10 years of trying to take Nubia, only to be stopped by super-accurate "eyesmiter" archers, a nonaggression treaty (bakt) is concluded with the Arab Muslims, agreeing on Aswan as the S limit of Arab expansion, giving Nubia five cents. of peace in return for the annual quota of slaves - switch to Nubian Liberty Mutual and save 25% on your policy? Yazdgird III, the last Sassanian (Sassanid) shah of Persia is assassinated as a fugitive of the Saracens in the Merv Oasis in Persia while hiding in a mill; the Persian capital of Nishapur is conquered, followed in 651-4 by the E province of Khurasan (Khorasan) (Pers. "land where the Sun rises"), and the Persian provinces are incorporated into the caliphate; the Zoroastrian Empire is kaput. Irish-born (St.) Finan of Lindisfarne (-661) becomes bishop of Lindisfarne in Northumbria, center of the Celtic rite, going on to found a cathedral and convert kings Sigebert of Essex and Peada of Middle Anglia (S Mercia) to Christianity. Architecture: The Benedictine Abbey of Stavelot in Belgium is built. Births: Frankish Merovingian (Austrasian) king (674-8) Dagobert II (d. 678) (b. 650?); son of Sigebert III (630-56). Chinese painter Li Ssu-Hsun (d. 716). Deaths: Spanish bishop St. Braulio of Zaragoza (b. 590) in Zaragoza. Irish-born Scottish bishop of Lindisfarne (635-51) St. Aidan of Lindisfarne (b. 590) on Aug. 31 in Bamburgh, Northumberland; buried beneath his abbey in Lindisfarne.

Ch'ang-an Giant Wild Goose Pagoda, 652 Ch'ang-an Giant Wild Goose Pagoda Musical Fountain Jokhang Temple, 652

652 Rothari dies, and his son Rodoald (Rodwald) (637-53) becomes Lombard king of Italy (until 653). The Arabs capture Khurasan, and introduce Islam to Afghanistan - they'll never go for it? Nubia is forced to send an annual levy of slaves of Cairo, which continues until 1276. The Arabs under Abdal Rahman ibn Rabiah battle the Khazars; both sides use catapults and ballistas; the Arabs are defeated and flee back across the Caucasus Mt., and don't return for the next 30-40 years; the Khazars dominate the area from the Volga-Don Steppes to the E Crimea and N Caucasus until 965. Architecture: The 177-ft. (54m) Giant Wild Goose Pagoda in Ch'ang-an (X'ian, Shaanxi), China is built; 50 years later it collapses, and Empress Wu Zetian has it rebuilt with five new stories in 704; in ? a Musical Fountain opens, featuring 1,024 water nozzles synchronized to music and light. The Jokhang (Qoikang) (Zuglagkang) Temple-Monasery in Lhasa ("place of the gods"), Tibet is begun. Births: French king of Neustria and Burgundy (658-73) Lothair (Clothar) (Chlothar) (Clotaire) (Hlothar) III (d. 673); eldest son of Clovis II (637-58) and Bathilda (626-80). Roman Byzantine emperor #114 (668-85) Constantine IV (Flavius Constantinus) (d. 685) in Constantinople; son of Constans II Pogonatus (630-68); husband of Anastasia; father of Justinian II. Deaths: Arab Muslim leader Abbas (Abd-al-Muttalib) (b. 566). Frankish wife (of Pepin of Landen) Itta of Metz (b. 592) on May 8 in Nivelles. Arab Muslim leader Abu Darda (b. ?) in Damascus.

St. Osyth (-653)

653 On June 17 after getting pissed-off by the Lateran Council of 649, Pope St. Martin I of Rome and Maximos Confessor are arrested by the exarch by order of Emperor Constans II, then deposed and banished for treason, increasing the alienation of Italy from their former bosom buddies in the Eastern Roman Empire - which side's monks created the pretzel? Lecherous Arian king Rodoald is assassinated after a reign of 6 mo. by the husband of one of his lovers, and Bavarian Roman Catholic Aripert (Aribert) I (-661), son of Duke Gundoald of Asti is elected king of Lombard Italy (until 661) with the support of the Roman Catholic Church, ending the Arian monarchy and founding the Roman Catholic Bavarian Dynasty, spreading the Trinitarian faith throughout his realm and building churches, incl. the Church of the Savior in the capital Pavia. The pesky Arabs finish conquering Armenia (begun in 639). Peada (-656) becomes king of the Middle Angles (S Mercia below the Trent River) (pop. 5K families, vs. 7K familes for N Mercia) by his father Penda, and after he tries to marry Alchflaed, virgin daughter of King Oswy of Northumbria, and daddy tells him you gotta get baptised into Christianity first, he is converted by Oswy's son Aifrid, hubby of Peada's sister Cyneburga, and is baptized by St. Finan of Lindisfarne, who gives him four priests to convert his people, going on to found 12 monasteries. Talorc III dies, and Oswy of Northumbria imposes his nephew Talorgan (Talorcan) mac Eanfrith (Enfret) (-657), son of Eanfrith of Bernicia (who fled into exile among the Picts in 616 and married a Pictish princess) as king over the Picts (until 657). Births: Frankish king (673-5) Childeric II (d. 675). Deaths: English abbess (St.) Osyth (Osith) (b. ?) in Essex; murdered by Danish Vikings; born in Quarrendon, Buckinghamshire, Mercia; mother Wilburga is daughter of pagan king Penda of Mercia; niece of St. Edith and St. Edburga of Bicester. Visigoth king Chandasuinth.

654 - Mercy, mercy, the last pagans in England get none?

Pope St. Eugene I (-657)

654 On Aug. 10 while disgraced Pope Martin I is still living, Pope (#75) (St.) Eugene I (-657) is elected, going on to receive young St. Wilfrid on his first visit to Rome this year and consecrate 21 bishops after sending legates to Constantinople bearing letters to Emperor Constans II informing him of his election but avoiding mention of the Monothelite Thang, after which they return with a tortuously-worded synodical letter from Patriarch Peter, which is read in the Church of St. Mary Major in 656, causing the clergy and laity to loudly reject it and make him promise not to accept it, pissing-off the Byzantine clergy, who threaten to depose him until the pesky Muslims divert their attention. On Nov. 24 emperor (since 645) Kotoku (b. 596) dies, and his sister Kogyoku reascends the throne as Japanese emperor #37 Kogyoku (Saimei) (594-661) (until 661), with her son Prince Naka sharing power. Emperor Constans II makes his son Constantine IV co-emperor. Aethelwold (-664), brother of Anna becomes king of East Anglia (until 664). Donald IV dies, and Farquhard II (-670) becomes king of the Scots (until 670) - he does what hard? The Byzantines, personally led by Emperor Constans II take on the Arab (Egyptian) fleet in the naval Battle of the Masts (Phoenix) off the coast of Phoenice (Finike) in Lycia, and are so roundly whipped that Constans seeks refuge in Syracuse; Muslim naval superiority is established in the Mediterranean, which becomes a Muslim lake (until 1571), causing W Europe to become isolated and revert to a purely agricultural civilization with minimal trade and communications, causing Feudalism (OHG fehu ot = "cattle possession") to be developed and go into full bloom in the 9th through 15th cents., although the term itself isn't used until the 17th cent.? - shades of Odysseus? The Arabs conquer and plunder Rhodes, setting it up as a new naval base and springboard, selling the remains of the Colossus of Rhodes (-226 B.C.E.) to a Jew from Edessa (Homs), Syria, who allegedly transports the bronze on 900 camels, although this is probably moose hockey invented by Christians to fulfill the prophesy of the destruction of the great statue in Nebuchadnezzar's dream in Daniel 2:31-35 - Mel Gibson jokes here? The Arabs capture Derbent (Darband) (southernmost city in Russia, on the W shore of the Caspian Sea near the Azerbaijani border), home of the Darband or Derbent Gates, introducing Islam to the area and making it the largest city in the Caucasus by the 9th cent. Muyol (-661) seizes the throne of Silla in Korea. Deaths: Japanese Yamato emperor #36 (645-54) Kotoku (b. 596) on Nov. 24.

655 - 666 minus 11, and Odysseus rolls over in his grave as the Middle of the Earth (Mediterranean) Sea becomes a Muslim lake, with their sights set on Europe? The Welsh Dragon Year?

Welsh Dragon, 655

655 On Mar. 26 West Saxon Adeodatus (Frithona) (Frithuwine) is consecrated as archbishop #6 of Canterbury by Bishop Ithamar of Rochester after being appointed by king (since 640) Eorcenberht of Kent, taking the name (St.) Deusdedit (Lat. "dedicated to God") (-664), becoming the first Anglo-Saxon archbishop of Canterbury, consecrating bishop Damian of Rochester (-664) next year. On Sept. 16 Pope (since 649) St. Martin I dies in exile in Cherson with his name retained in anathema, and not mentioned by his successors for 75 years. On Nov. 15 King Oswy of Northumbria defeats and kills pagan king Penda of Mercia in the Battle of the Winwaed (Winwidfield), allowing Penda's son Peada to continue ruling S Mercia, while Penda's other son Wulfhere becomes king of Mercia; King Cadafael of Gwynedd, who had accompanied Penda marches his army home the night before the battle, earning him the nickname "Battle-Shirker", allowing Cadwalla's exiled son Cadwalader (Cadwaladr) Fendigaid (Gael. "the Blessed) ap Cadwallon (633-82) to return, oust and kill him, using the red Welsh Dragon Flag (Y Ddraig Boch) as his standard (later adopted by the Tudor Dynasty), then settling down and going religious - here, wolfie? Powys campaigns successfully against the English. Japanese empress Kogyoku initiates the celebration of the Bon-Matsuri (Urabon) (Festival of Floating Lanterns) for the welcoming of ancestral spirits. Architecture: The Benedictine Peterborough Monastery in England is founded near the Medeswael Spring by King Peada of S Mercia and King Oswy of Northumbria, with Seaxwulf becoming the first head monk. Nonfiction: Augustine Eriugena (Augustinus Hibernicus) of Ireland writes De Mirabilibus Sacrae Scripturae, an early effort to apply rationalist criticism to the miracles in the Bible, claiming that the animals came from Eden over a land bridge that was later eroded by the sea - talk about being ahead of his time?

656 - It's official, I'm Shellshocked and in Hell? Lucky for everybody else, the monolithic black meteoritic block of Muslims splits into the ever-warring Shits and Shinolas, er, Shiites and Sunnis in 666 minus 10, causing them to end up hating each other more than the Christians and Jews, holding back Armageddon for at least another millennium?

Shit and Shinola Shinola Dagobert II of the Franks (651-78) Lothair III of the Franks (649-73)

656 Who's cheatin' who? On Feb. 1 Sigebert III (b. 630) dies, and his 5-y.-o. son Dagobert II (651-78) inherits the throne of Austrasia, but is shorn and exiled to an Irish monastery by Mayor of the Palace Grimoald the Elder so that his own 11-y.-o. son Childebert the Adopted of Austrasia (645-57) (whom he got the king to adopt as his own son earlier) can sit on the throne; Clovis II's eldest (7-y.-o.) son Lothair (Clothar) (Chlothar) (Clotaire) III (652-73) becomes Merovingian king of all the Franks (until 660). On ? (Easter) King Peada of S Mercia is killed through treachery caused by his no-longer virgin queen Alchflaed of Northumbria - ouch, flayed and peter jokes here? Isn't learning fun? No dark shiite alis for me, I want it sunni? On July 17 after the Mushaf of Othman, the Official Text of the Quran (which was previously preserved on scraps of "date leaves, [camel] bones, stone, and the breasts of men") is established on his orders, ordering all other copies of the Quran burned, 80-y.-o. Caliph Othman (b. 574) is stoned in the streets of Medina by a mob of rebel Muslim forces from Egypt (who are pissed off by low pay and prestige despite being early converts, and by Othman's appointment of members of his own Umayya clan to top admin. posts), driven to his house, and assassinated while reading it, causing the Arab world to go into turmoil for five years, giving the Byzantines a rest; at first Muhammad's cousin and son-in-law and adopted son and closest male relative Ali ibn Abi Talib (601-61) (born in Mecca to Abu Talib ibn Abd al-Muttalib and Fatima bint Asad, and raised in Abu Talib's house alongside Muhammad, who became the husband of Muhammad's daughter Fatima Zahra, and father of Hasan and Hussayn or Hussein) becomes cmdr. of the faithful, and last of the Four Rashidun (Rightly Guided) Caliphs, with capital in Kufa, Iraq, making Medina the last Muslim holy city to be used as a capital until (?), stressing the equality of all Muslims and the role of the caliph as imam (spiritual leader), and disapproving of the degenerate game of chess for Muslims; the Sunni-Shite Split begins with a dispute over the caliphate, with Shiites claiming that Ali was Muhammad's choice all along, and that the preceding caliphs perverted the True Faith, yadda yadda yadda, so that ever after only Ali's descendants are accepted by them as imams and caliphs, turning Islam into a family branch thang; Muawiya (Arab. "strong of arm?") I (602-80), Mecca-born former secy. of Prophet Muhammad and gen. of Abu-Bakr vies unsuccessfully for the caliphate then settles for becoming gov. of Egypt and Syria (until 661); too bad, when Ali fails to punish Othman's murderers, another split happens, the anti-Ali party being called the Joe Foreman, er, Kharijites (Kharijis) (Khawarij) ("deserters"), who end up splitting into Fifteen Sects, incl. the Azariqa, who murder Muslim women and children for imperfectly practicing the faith, while the pro-Ali party splits into the Shiites (Shi'ites) (Arab. "Shi'ah" = "followers [of Ali]"), who reject the first three caliphs, don't accept the Sunna (non-Quranic sayings and doings of Muhammad, taken as gospel) as authoritative, and claim Ali as the first true imam ("leader", "guide"), and the Sunnis, who accept all four, and love the Sunna as well as the Quran (sounds like they beat the Catholics and Protestants?), and on Nov. 7 the First Muslim Civil War (Fitna) (ends 661) begins with the Battle of the Camel outside Basra, Iraq, where the forces of Fourth and Final Rightly Guided Caliph Ali defeat the triad of Muhammad's widow A'isha (Ayesha) (who leads a camel charge), and his former male companions al-Zubayr and Talha (after they split with him for failing to punish Othman's murderers), supported by the Quraysh of Medina (who feel threatened by Ali's embracing of the Ansar or Medinan converts); al-Zubayr and Talha are killed; A'isha is captured, and retires from politics. But even more split happens in Muslimland? The Shiites later split between those who believe that caliphs must be descended through Ali's wife (Muhammad's daughter) Fatima, and those who accept any descendant, and then further split among those who believe that Ali is an incarnation of God, and even further among those who believe that he will be reincarnated as the 12th imam or Mahdi, the Muslim Messiah who will establish the Millennium (Muslim Millennium Fever); over the never several cents. the two groups diverge in their practices: Sunnis pray with their arms folded below the rib cage, Shiites with their arms straight down at the sides; Sunni mosques tend to have domes and minarets and prohibit all images, Shiite mosques tend to have portraits of Ali and/or Hussein; Sunni clerics usually wear white headgear, Shiite clerics are more elaborately attired and also have black or green headgear; Sunni homes like to display quotes from the Quran, and fly white flags after returning from Mecca; Shiite homes like to display images of Ali and fly colorful flags from their roofs during every important religious occasion; in modern times Shiites hang Aleks (strips of green cloth) from their rearview mirrors; Shiites like to wear a Turbah (disc made of clay, stone or wood from the battlefield in Karbala where Hussein was slain) under their forehead during prayers to prevent it from touching an artificial material, but Sunnis consider it idol worship and confiscate them when they go to Mecca; Sunnis like to name themselves after Abu Bakr, Omar, and Uthman, while Shiites like to name themselves after Ali, Hussein and Fatima Zahra; Sunni tribal names incl. Bakri, Dulaimi, and Samarrai; Shiite tribal names incl. Moussawi, Rubaie, and Sa'aedi; the Jaburi, Khafaji and Shammari tribes have members of both sects; in modern times the Shiite pop. is centered in Iran, with a fork jutting into the Basra area of Iraq, while the Sunnis have them totally surrounded and outnumbered, but are plagued by a number of sellouts to Satanic Western secularism - and probably a number of Zionist moles? Births: Chinse Tang emperor #4 (684, 705-10) Zhong Zong (Li Xian) (Li Zhe) (Wu Xian) (d. 710) on Nov. 26; son of Gao Zong (628-83). Deaths: Arab Muslim caliph #3 (644-56) Othman ibn Affan (b. 579) on July 17 in Medina (murdered). Frankish Merovingian Austrasian king (634-56) Sigebert III (b. 630) on Feb. 1; becomes the patron saint of Nancy, and his remains are preserved in the Cathedral of Nancy, until they are defiled during 1789 French Rev. Arab Muslim convert Huthayfa ibn al-Yaman (b. ?) in Mecca; of the Banu Abs tribe; close companion of Muhammad; leaves many Hadith, incl. one about overthrowing rulers: "The Prophet said, 'There will be after me leaders who do not follow my guidance and do not follow my Sunnah, and there will be among them men whose hearts are like those of Satan in the body of a human being.' And I asked the Prophet, 'What I should do at that time if I reach it?' He said, 'Listen and obey the ruler, even if he lashed your back and took your money, listen and obey.'"

657 - The St. Ildefonso Year?

Pope St. Vitalian (-672) St. Ildefonso of Toledo (607-67)

657 On June 2 Pope (since 654) St. Eugene I dies, and on July 30 Pope (#76) (St.) Vitalian (-672) is elected, becoming the pope to ride the wild year 666, arriving on May 27, 669, and hitting it off by spreading delectable scare stories about them terrible Arab Antichrists - it's the Year 666, five heads and ten eyes, that was just the donkey - as the Good Book says, all things comes to them who wait? On July 26-29 Caliph Ali meets Muawiya, who seeks to avenge the murder of his Umayyad relative Othman at the Battle of Siffin on the upper Euphrates River near modern-day Ar-Raqqah, Syriaa; after the battle begins, Muawiya's Syrian troops demands arbitration, brandishing pages of the Quran, causing the battle to be deferred until a committee can meet - why do you stop, you know the rules, because we do? Clovis II dies after he and his palace mayor Erchinoald capture and execute Childebert the Adopted, and Clovis II's son Lothair III (d. 673) becomes king of Neustria. (St.) Ildefonso (607-67) becomes archbishop of Toledo. Talorgan mac Enfret dies, and Gartnait IV mac Domnaill (mac Dungail) (-663) becomes king of the Picts (until 663). The Chinese under Tang gen. Su Dingfang defeat the Western Turkic Khaganate under Ashina Helu at the Battle of Xinjiang. Architecture: (St.) Hilda of Whitby (614-80), a friend of St. Aidan is elected abbess of the double Monastery of Whitby (Streaneshalch), built on sea cliffs in Northumbria, England, with separate housing for men and women, which later becomes associated with Capt. Cook, and Bram Stoker's "Dracula" - how many peep and glory holes? Deaths: Arab Muhajirun (Muhammad companion) Ammar ibn Yasir (b. 657); namesake of Yasser Arafat; his shrine is built in al-Raqqah, Syria.

658 - The Screw Committees, This Is Monomaniac Mind Control Islam Kharijite Mowdown Year?

658 In July the Battle of Nahrawan sees Caliph Ali decimate the small group of Kharijite secessionists who believe that Allah not a committee should arbitrate a caliphate dispute, and that therefore Ali and his followers are not true Muslims; they continue on as the smallest division of Islam, practicing extreme equality without regard to blood descent, and establishing enclaves along the Persian Gulf, Oman, and North Africa. Penda's son (a Christian?) Wulfhere (-675) becomes king of the English kingdom formerly known as Pagan Mercia, now just Mercia? Caliph Ali frees the rabinnical college of Sura from the jurisdiction of the Jewish exilarch, causing its dir. Mar-Isaac to take the title of Gaon (Heb. "excellency"); the rabbinical college at Pumbeditha (near Baghdad) follow suit, founding the Geonim (ends 11th cent.), whho decide questions of Talmudic law from the Jewish world. Nonfiction: Anon., Life of St. Gertrude of Nivelles; first uses the word "Europa" (Akkad. "land of the sunset") (originally the name of the Phoenician princess whom Zeus turned into a white bull); Alcuin later uses the word to refer to the areas ruled by Charlemagne ("well known to all the inhabitants of Europe") - as the 2nd smallest of the seven continents and the home of whitey, it's only natural that as they overpopulated it they would strike out all over the world, move on in, then later call non-whites the illegal aliens? Births: Christian missionary ("apostle of the Frisians") (St.) Willibrord (d. 739). Deaths: Slavic king Samo (b. ?); after his death his kingdom disintegrates into the samo samo?

659 - The Franks quit using Frankincense seven years before 666?

St. Gertrude of Nivelles (626-59)

659 Constans II concludes a truce with the Arab cmdr. of Syria; meanwhile Muawiya tells the caliphate committee what's what, openly asserting his claim to the caliphate from distant Damascus. Emperor Constans II makes his sons Heraclius and Tiberius co-emperors. (St.) Gertrude of Nivelles, founder of the Monastery of Nivelles dies after requesting a burial in a plain linen shroud, ending the pagan practice of burial in a "furnished" grave; for cents. after this the rise of Christianity in Europe and its "plain" burials kills the ancient market for frankincense in Yemen, impoverishing it - just when the Christians there need help from the Muslims? Births: Arab Shiite imam #4 Ali ('Ali) ibn Husayn (d. 712) on Jan. 6 in Medina (Kufa?); son of Husayn ibn 'Ali and Shahrbanu; great-grandson of Muhammad; father of Muhammad al-Baqir (676-733). Deaths: French goldsmith (St.) Eligius (b. 588). French abbess Gertrude of Nivelles (b. 626) on Mar. 17 in Nivelles.

660 - The Pack-Up the Paekche Year?

660 Lothair III loses of title of king of all the Franks, but keeps his title of king of Neustria. Tang China allied with the Silla attack the Paekche Kingdom in Korea, which is backed by Japan; the Tang take the capital of Sabi, force King (since 642) Uyja (Uija) Wang (-660) to surrender, and destroy the Paekche state; Uyja Wang dies. Sigebeht II (b. ?) is murdered for being too friendly with the Christians by his pagan sons Swithfrith and Swithelm (-664), who becomes king of Essex (until 664). A sect of Paulicians (really Manicheans?) arises in Armenia that rejects the Old Testament, sacraments, image worship, and the symbolism of the cross, spreading to the Balkans, Middle East, Italy, and France. In this decade Oswy of Northumbria leads a military offensive to reconfirm his control of the pesky Picts. Births: Roman Byzantine emperor #116 (695-8) Leontius (Leontios) (Leo) (d. 706) in Isauria. Frankish Roman Catholic bishop (St.) Rupert of Salzburg (d. 718); of royal Merovingian blood; feast day: Mar. 27.

661 - The Umayyad Shiite Hits the Fan Year? The Muslim manure pile permanently hardens into two camps, or the Muslim camp permanently hardens into two manure piles?

Japanese Emperor Tenji (626-72)

661 On Jan. 27 (19th day of Ramadan) caliph Ali ibn Abu Talib ("seeker of knowledge") (b. 599), husband of Prophet Muhammad's daughter Fatima Zahra is assassinated (poisoned) by a Kharijite named Ibn Mujan, and his eldest son Hasan (624-70), brother of Husayn (Hussein) (626-80) is encouraged to vie for the caliphate, but (after noting that Muawiya has the biggest Muslim army?) he declines, and Husayn waits in the wings (until 669), while Muawiya becomes caliph #5 Muawiya (Muawiyah) (Mu'awia) (Mu'awiya) (Moawiya) ("proclaiming the unity of God") I ibn Abi Sufyan (602-680), founding the Umayyad (Omayyad) Dynasty, based in Damascus (ends 750, although the Umayyad style of architecture survives in Spain until 1000). after he reneges on his treaty with Ali that promises not to name his son as successor, the Shiites call him a usurper and mulk (king) (an un-Islamic departure from precedent), and revile him; he beautifies Damascus to rival Constantinople, while allowing the provinces to be administered by Byzantine and Sassanid bureaucrats in pre-Islamic govt. divs. (diwans), who conduct official business in Greek and Pahlavi. In Jan. Japanese emperor (since 642/654) Kogyoku/Saimei (b. 594) leaves Honshu with her army and navy and crosses the Sea of Japan to Iyo Province (Dogo Onsen) on Shikoku Island to help the Paekche recover their territory from the Silla, then reaches Asakura Palace in N Kyushu in May, where she assembles a combined Japanese-Paekche army; too bad, she dies on Aug. 24 before the army can depart, and is buried in Osaka, and her designated heir Prince Naka (her son with Jomei) becomes Tenji (Tenchi) (626-71), Japanese Yamato emperor #38 (until 671); meanwhile T'aejong Muyol Wang dies, and Munmu Wang (-681) becomes king of silly-lucky Silla. King Wulfhere of Mercia attacks King Kenwal of Wessex. Aripert I dies, and his eldest son (an Arian) Godepert (Gundipert) splits the Lombard kingdom of Italy with Roman Catholic brother Perctarit (Berthari) (-688), Big G ruling from Pavia and Big P from Milan; after the priests get to work, war breaks out. Lothair III becomes sole king of the Franks (until 673). The Franks replace the last of the Roman bishops in Gaul with Frankish bishops. Maximos Confessor is recalled from exile in Thrace, tried, and sentenced to have his tongue and right hand cut off to prevent his further opposition to the Monothelites. Architecture: Ripon Monastery in England is founded. Births: Japanese Yamato emperor #43 (707-15) Gemmei (d. 721). Deaths: Japanese Yamato emperor #35 (642-5) and #37 (654-61) Kogyoku/Saimei (b. 594) on Aug. 24 in Kyushu. Muslim caliph (656-61) Ali ibn Abi Talib (b. 599) on Jan. 29 (21 Ramadan 40 AH) in Kufa (poisoned); leaves Al-Jafr as transmitted by Jafar al-Sadiq, which uses numerology (huruf) to predict the events leading to Judgment Day, becoming a big hit with Hezbollah and Iran. Irish-born English bishop of Lindisfarne (651-61) St. Finan (b. ?) on Feb. 9; feast day: Feb. 9.

662 Lothair III appoints his 9-y.-o. younger brother Childeric II (653-75) as king of Austrasia (until 675). Emperor Constans leaves Constantinope for Rome. King Swithelm of Essex is converted to Christianity by King Aethelwald of East Anglia. Godepert summons his supposed ally Grimoald I (610-71), duke (since 651) of Benevento, who sees his chance, gives his dukedom to his eldest son Romuald (Romoald) I (-667), makes a deal with Duke Garibald of Turin, then assasinates Godepert in his Reggia Palace in Pavia, seizing the throne and taking over the war, forcing Perctarit to flee to Avar khagan Kakar, then France, while he imprisons his wife and son in Benevento and marries Godepart's Roman Catholic sister to ally himself with the Bavarian Dynasty, although he remains Arian, throwing the Trinitarians a bone by recognizing the cult of St. Michael the Archangel as the warrior-protector of the nation; Godepert's son Raginpert escapes and plots a comeback (in 701), becoming duke of Turin in 671; meanwhile St. Baratus fights the remaining snake worshipers in Lombardy and melts their idol down into a paten and chalice. Nonfiction: Japanese Yamato emperor Tenji compiles Kiomihara Ritsuryo, the first known Japanese legal code, based on Confucianism. Births: Chinese Tang emperor #5 (684-90, 710-12) Rui Zong (Li Dan) (Li Xulun) (Li Lun) (Wu Lun) (Wu Dan) (d. 716) on June 22; 8th son of Gao Zong (628-83) and 4th son of his 2nd wife Empress Wu (625-705); father of Tang Xuan Zong (685-762). French Roman Catholic nun (St.) Odile (Odilia) of Alsace (d. 720) in Obernai, Bas-Rhin; daughter of Duke Etichon (Athich) of Alsace; feast day: Dec. 13; patron saint of Alsace (1807); patron saint of eye and ear diseases; born blind, then allegedly led by angel to Palma, where St. Erhard of Regensburg baptises her and restores her sight - one night with you is what I'm praying for? Deaths: Greek Christian monk Maximos Confessor (b. 580) on Aug. 13 in Tsageria, Georgia (Lazica?); dies in exile after being tried for heresy in Constantinople with St. Martin and St. Sophronius, convicted, beaten, their tongues cut out and right hands lopped off.

663 - Shush my mouth? Rome's final treasures are looted, not by barbarians, but by the Byzantine emperor?

663 Emperor Constans II transfers his court from Constantinople to Italy in a chess move of blocking Arab conquest of Italy and Sicily, with dreams of restoring Rome to its old imperial glory dancing in his head, and starts by stripping it of all remaining valuables, becoming the last visit by a Byzantine emperor - please, please, the President's ETA from the Middle East Summit at 0:600, I want an army of experts ready to sign hundreds of thousands of affadavits? China defeats Korea. Gartnait IV dies, and his son Drest VI mac Domnal (-677) becomes king of the Picts (until 672). An anon. monk becomes the first to ascend 12,389 ft. (3,776m) Mount Fuji on Honshu Island in Japan 60 mi. SW of Edo (Tokyo), known for its exceptionally symmetrical cone.

664 - The Party Was A Hit and the Steak Melt-In-Your-Mouth Tender and Juicy Synod of Whitby Year?

St. Hilda of Whitby (614-80) St. Wilfrid (Wilfrith) of York (634-709)

664 The big 666 is getting close enough for a camel milk mustache? The Great (Yellow) Plague begins again in Britain and Ireland (ends 668); last in 550. In the spring under Northumbrian King Oswy's guidance the Synod of Whitby ("white farm"), hosted by abbess (St.) Hilda of Whitby (614-80), and dominated by Ripon abbot (St.) Wilfrid (Wilfrith) of York (634-709) debates whether the Roman Catholic Christianity of Augustine of Kent or the Celtic Christianity of Aidan of Northumbria should be the one and only for England, and ends with King Oswy deciding that Kent tastes good like a Christianity should, along with an agreement over the date of Easter and the adoption of the Peter-keyed Roman Catholic faith for Northumbria; the Celtic rite, centered in Lindisfarne Abbey in Northumbria under Bishop Finian is replaced with the Roman rite, centered in Canterbury, Kent; Iona doesn't accept the Roman Easter until 716; the Celtic Church now begins to decline (ends 1172), and there is a unified English church before there is an English nation? Swithelm dies, and his cousins Sighere (-683) and (St.) Sebbi (-694) become joint kings of Essex. The Muslims begin conquering Kabul (finished 670) - Osama bin Ladin will have a sanctuary one day? Births: Chinese PM Shangguan Wan'er (d. 710); aide to empress Wu Zetian, and wife of her son. Deaths: Arab gen. Amr ibn al-As (b. 583) on Jan. 6 in Egypt. Chinese Buddhist monk-scholar Xuanzang (b. 602); leaves his swan song memoirs that become the basis for Journey to the West, about his journey to India to obtain the Tang Sanzgan (Three Collections of Buddhist Scriptures), which is pub. anon. in the 1590s during the Ming Dynasty, becoming one of the Four Great Classical Novels of China. English bishop St. Cedd (b. 620) on Oct. 26 in Lastingham, North Yorkshire.

665 On ? (Easter Day) Lombard king Grimoald I captures the town of Forli (later the birthplace of Mussolini) in N Italy from the Byzantines, slaughtering worshipers during festivities. A plague outbreak in Essex causes King Sighere to apostasize and go pagan, taking most of the pop. with him, while Sebbi stays Christian, and they begin a civil war, with Sighere allying with Wessex, and Sebbi allying with Mercia, allowing Wulfhere of Mercia to establish himself as overlord of Essex and send in Bishop Jaruman to reconvert them to the true faith - tell your bishop right away about an unexplained muscle pain or weakness?

666 - The Big 666 Year Comes And Goes And All I Get Is This T-shirt?

666 St. John of Damascus (676-754) St. Benedict Biscop (628-90) Yachuuji Temple Miroku Statue

666 This year is high on religious terror and Millennium Fever (MF), and it becomes more and more dangerous to not have your head right in Christian lands; meanwhile the Arab onslaught on Christendom is so out of the blue and ill-understood that the Christian View of Muhammad is a total blank, with most not even knowing that the invaders had a new prophet or what his name was, believing only that the attacks were by pagans and were a punishment of God for their own sins; an anon. Byzantine document written in Palestine between 634-40 titled Doctrina Iacobi Nuper Baptizati (The Teaching of the Recently-Baptized Jacob) contains the soundbyte about Muhammad: "He is deceiving. For do prophets come with sword and chariot?... You will discover nothing true from the said prophet except human bloodshed"; it is not until Arab Christian monk-priest St. John of Damascus (676-754) begins writing on Islam that Christendom finally get clued in, with the new term "false prophet" coined and used ever since, with later biographers placing his death in 666 to cinch their view that he is the feared Antichrist, while others change his name to Mahmound, meaning Devil Incarnate - it was a war of disinformation on both sides? The Battle of Aine in Ireland is fought; Eoghan, son of Crunnmael is KIA. The Muslims led by Mu'awiya ibn Hudayj raid Sicily. Architecture: Noble Anglo-Saxon (St.) Benedict Biscop (Baducing) (628-90), founder of Benedictine monasticism in England takes the religious habit, founding Wearmouth Monastery in Northumbria in 674 and making five trips to Italy to collect lit. and art works that later school the Venerable Bede. The Benedictine Chertsey Abbey of St. Peter in Chertsey is founded by Frithwold, viceroy of Surrey. Art: The Miroku Nyorai (Bosatsu) Buddha Statue at the Yachuuji Temple in Osaka, Japan is sculpted, showing the growth of the cult.

667 - The Original Hanging Chads Year?

St. Chad (623-72) St. Colman of Lindisfarne (605-75)

667 The Arab Muslims first cross the Oxus River into C Asia. The Daysan River floods Edessa in Asia Minor. Anglo-Saxon monk (St.) Chad (OE "fierce") (623-72) is involved in an electoral dispute over the bishopric of Northumbria; the island of Inishbofin (OE "white cow") is founded by former bishop of Lindisfarne (661-4) (St.) Colman of Lindisfarne (605-75) after he refuses to accept the Roman date for Easter and leaves Numbnuts Northumbria to do it right? Tang and Silla join forces to attack the Korean kingdom of Koguryo (Goryeo) (Goguryeo), which is ripe for defeat after war and internecine strife (ends 668). Deaths: Spanish archbishop St. Ildefonso of Toledo (b. 607); leaves Libellus de Virginitate Perpetua Mariae, Adversus Tres Infideles, defending Mary's perpetual virginity.

668 - The Theodore of Tarsus Year?

Theodore of Tarsus (602-90)

668 The Great Plague in England and Ireland (begun 664) ends, killing two-thirds of the pop.?; the govt. of Ireland begins to change from tribal to dynastic; pagan Druidism has now been driven underground in Britain as witchcraft - does he still dress like he shops at Elton John's garage sale? On Mar. 26 after being recommended by Abbot Hadrian of St. Peter's in Canterbury, Greek-educated Theodore of Tarsus (602-90), living in Rome at the Eastern Orthodox Monastery of St. Anastasias, who had mastered Latin as well as Greek lit. is consecrated as archbishop #8 of Canterbury in England by Pope Vitalian, and heads on down, arriving next May 27, and going on to introduce the Litany of the Saints to the West. On Sept. 15 after he proves too expensive to maintain in his accustomed style, Byzantine emperor (since 641) Constans II (b. 630) is murdered during a mutiny in Syracuse, Sicily while bathing by a cubicularius, and the Armenian patrician Mezezius (-669) is proclaimed emperor by the rebels; too bad, the troops and local pop. won't buy him, and he lasts only a few mo.; meanwhile Constans II's son Constantine IV claims the throne; as if the Busy Bees don't have enough problems, Caliph Muawiya I sends an army under his son Yazid I against them, and it reaches as far as Chalcedon, taking Amorion (Amorium) - talk about a weird historical feeling to be emperor of 666 Ghost Rome and be called Zeus from Mount Ararat? Lombard king Grimoald I conquers Apulia in SE Italy. The Koguryo Kingdom is defeated, and Pojang Wang dies; the Silla Kingdom absorbs Koguryo and unifies Korea under the Koguryo Dynasty (ends 924); Munmu Wang (-681) becomes king of Korea; the Tang try to retain control of former Koguryo and set up forts, and another struggle begins. Births: Byzantine emperor #115 (685-711) (last of the Heraclian Dynasty) Justinian II Rhinotmetus (Cut Nose or Slit Nose) (d. 711) in Constantinople; eldest son son of Constantine IV (652-85) and Anastasia. Buddhist priest Gyogi (Gogi) (d. 749) of Korea; uniter of Japanese Buddhism and Shintoism. Deaths: Roman Byzantine emperor #113 (641-68) Constans II (b. 630) on Sept. 15 in Syracuse, Sicily.

669 - The Emperor Constantine IV Year?

Emperor Constantine IV (652-85)

669 Either Constans II Pogonatus' son Constantine IV (Flavius Constantinus) (652-85) goes with a force to Sicily to kill Mezezius and put down the revolt, or some troops from Italy and Africa do it for him and send him Mezezius' head, during which Constantine IV becomes sole Roman Byzantine emperor #114 (until Sept. 14, 685), and returns the court to Constantinople, then is forced by his troops to accept his brothers Heraclius and Tiberius as co-emperors for an insurance policy (until 680); he goes on to end the Monothelitism controversy while putting the first serious stop on the pesky Muslims in almost 50 years; meanwhile after the Byzantines recover Amorion, the Muslims attack Carthage and Sicily. The relief over the passing of 666 having settled in, new Canterbury archbishop Theodore of Tarsus calls the Synod of Hertford, and reaches a truce with the Celtic Christians, then revamps the ecclesiastical org., introducing more and better dioceses, a Roman parochial system, and a centralized episcopal (diocesan) org. that becomes a model for a unified England; under his leadership Anglo-Saxon scholarship enters a golden age, producing star pupil Venerable Bede (673-735), who utters the soundbyte: "Never had there been such happy times as these since the English settled Britain." Births: Syrian Christian bishop of Crete (721-40) (St.) Andreas (d. 740) in Damascus; known for his hymns: feast day: July 4.

670 - The Ecgfrith Kairouan Year?

St. Fiacre (-670) Great Mosque of Kairouan, 670 Cross of St. Osyth at Ely, 670

670 A great snowstorm in Ireland causes a famine. King Oswy dies, and Ecgfrith (-685) becomes king of Northumbria, which establishes a balance of power with Mercia and Wessex within a few years, giving comparative peace to the region until the end of the cent. Grandson Hasan (b. 624) dies in retirement in Medina, and his younger brother so damn insane, er, Husayn (Hussein) ibn Ali (626-80) finally gets his turn to revolt, claiming the title of caliph (2nd/3rd imam of the Shi'ites), alleging corruption of Muawiya, and leading a revolt in Iraq based in Caliph Ali's old capital of Kufa (ends 680). The Muslims capture Cyzicus in Mysia on the W coast of Asia Minor, allowing them to set up a naval base to attack the Byzantines; meanwhile they set up a naval base in Kairouan (Qayrawan) in Tunisia in N Africa (northernmost bulge of the continent), making Islam a major naval power, able to launch raids N on Europe and W across N Africa; they immediately begin building the Great Mosque of Kairouan, the oldest mosque in the Western Islamic world. Dida (Didan) (Didanius) of Eynsham is made sub-king of the Chilterns in Mercia by Wulfhere of Mercia; later the village of Didcot (OE "Dydda" + "cott" = Dydda's house) in Oxfordshire is named for him; his daughter St. Frithuswith (Frideswide) (Frideswith) (Fritheswithe) (Frevisse) (Fris) (650-727) lter becomes the patron saint of Oxford and Oxford U. Kabul is conquered by the Muslims - every kiss begins with K? Tibet begins to control the Silk Road, and extends its empire into India and China. Bulgarian khan Asperukh establishes a capital at the village of Aboba, which he renames Pliska (until 893). Farquhard II dies, and Malduinus (-694) becomes king of the Scots (until 670). In this decade the Loairn kinship group becomes the dominant force in Dalriada under Ferchar Fota (Ferchar the Tall) (-697). Spanish Visigoths codify their laws. The authority of the Athanasian Creed is affirmed by a council in Toledo. Irish primacy is established at Armagh. An observatory and school of arithmetic are founded in Japan. Architecture: The Cross of St. Osyth at Ely in England is built. Glastonbury Abbey is founded. Nonfiction: About this time the Tribal Hidage is compiled in Britain; a guide to expected tribute payments? About this time The Life of St. Gertrude (Vita Gertrudis) is written by an Irish monk at Nevilles. About this time the Canons of Shimun (Simon) are written in Pahlavi by Metropolitan Shimun of Rewardashir; later trans. into Syriac. Births: British Anglo-Saxon king of Wessex (688-726) Ine (Ina) (Ini) (d. 728). Chinese landscape painter Li Chao-tao (d. 735); son of painter Li-ssu-Hsun. Deaths: Hindu mathematician Brahmagupta (b. 598) in India. Arab Shiite martyr Hasan ibn Ali (b. 624) on Apr 2 (5 Rabi Ul Awal 50 A.H.) in Medina (poisoned). Irish-born French anchorite monk (St.) Fiacre (Fiachrach) (b. ?); born a nobleman; becomes an anchorite, moves to Meux, France, and gets the permission of Bishop Faro of Meaux to found the Monastery of Breuil, Brie (near Paris); becomes the patron saint of gardeners and cab drivers (as in fiacre cabs); feast day: Sept. 1. French bishop St. Omer (b. ?).

671 - The Emperor Temmu of Japan Year?

671 On Jan. 7 Japanese Yamato emperor (since 661) Tenji (b. 626) dies, and after a catfight among his 14 children by various mothers, his son Prince Otomo becomes Kobun (648-72), Japanese Yamato emperor #39; too bad, he only lasts 8 mo., until Aug. 21, 672, and Tenji's younger brother Prince Oama becomes Temmu (631-86), Japanese Yamato emperor #40 (until 686). Italian Lombard king (since 662) Grimoald I (b. 610) dies after concluding a treaty with the Franks, and his rival Perctarit learns about it as he is about to flee to England, returning and finding that his intended heir Garibald is too young to fight back. and his older son is out of the way in Benevento, going on to retake his realm based in Milan in 3 mo., making Roman Catholicism the official religion again, but not recognizing papal authority. Ziyad ibn Abihi (-673), Umayyad gov. of Kufa sends 50K troops to Merv in Persia in a plan to resettle Arabs in the area; the male soldiers soon begin marrying indigenous Zoroastrian Persian women, which ends up backfiring in the 8th cent. when their descendants spark the Abbasid rev. that overthrows the Umayyads in 750? Silla captures the former Paekche capital of Sabi from the Tang, gains control of Paekche, and continues pushing the Chinese out of Korea. First mention of the Srivijaya (Sansk. "fortunate excellence/victorious") city-state on Sumatra, Indonesia, which expands Buddhism until it goes kaput in the 13th cent.; Chinese Buddhist monk Yijing (I Ching) (I-Tsing) (Zhang Wenming) (635-713) begins a journey to India and Malaya (ends 695) that incl. Srivijaya, translating Buddhist texts from Sanskrit into Chinese. Deaths: Italian Lombard king (662-72) Grimoald I (b. 610). Japanese Yamato emperor #38 (661-71) Tenchi (b. 626) on Jan. 7.

672 - 666+6 = DOS II in the Lateran? The Pope Deusedit II Year?

Pope Deusdedit II (-676) Wamba of Spain (-687)

672 On Jan. 27 Pope (since 657) Vitalian dies, and on Apr. 11 Roman-born Benedictine monk of St. Erasmus Church (on the Caelian Hill) Pope (#77) Adeodatus (Deusdedit) (Lat. "dedicated to God") II (-676) is elected, going on to give Venice the right to choose its doge in his campaign to suppress Monothelitism. Reccesuinth dies, and his son Wamba (Gothic "big belly") (643-87) becomes Visigoth king of Spain (until 680), immediately facing a revolt by Count Hilderic of Nimes, gov. of Nimes, who is supported by Bishop Gunhild of Maguelonne and the Spanish Jewish pop., causing Wamba to send a force under Hispano-Roman duke Flavius Paulus, who arrives in Narbonne, then flops and converts to Judaism and proclaims himself king, with Hilderic backing him, going on to send emissaries to the Basques to join up, pissing-off Wamba, who personally leads his army to the W Pyrenees and kicks Basque butt; meanwhile Flavius Paulus is crowned with a golden crown given by late king Retarded, er, Reccared to the Church of Gerona, causing the Visigoth cities in Gaul and most of NE Spain to join his side, while Jewish hit men begin assassinating nobles loyal to Wamba, who regroups, marches into Narbonensis and Tarraconensis, and wins back most of the rebel cities. The Slavs unsuccessfully attack Byzantine-held Thessalonica. The Muslim troops of Caliph Muawiya I capture Smyrna and other coastal cities in Asian Minor, along with the island of Rhodes, then, under Gen. Abd Errahman, son of Khaled (who later dies, being replaced by Gen. Sophian and his son Yezid) siege rich Constantinople, believing that the first army to siege the city of the Caesars will have their sins forgiven - or plenty of consolation prizes? King Kenwal of Wessex dies, and his wife Queen Sexburga (-699) reigns as regent on behalf of her son Egbert I for the next two years (until 674). The Picts expel Northumbrian puppet king Drest, and install Bridei III mac Beli (Brude Mac Bile) (616-93), uncle of King Dyfnwal of Strathclyde, causing Northumbrian king Ecgfrith to invade, slaughter the Pict army and force Bridei to acknowledge his overlordship. Deaths: English abbot St. Chad of Mercia (b. 623) on Mar. 2 in Lichfield, Staffordshire. Japanese Yamato emperor #39 (671-2) Kobun (b. 648) on Aug. 21.

673 - The Childeric II Theodoric III Wamba Womps the Jews Year?

Childeric II of France (653-75) Theodoric III of France (-698)

673 In Apr. the Arabs begin a land-sea attack on Constantinople, giving up in Sept. but blockading the city and beginning an annual attack for the next five years (until 678) - just in time to taste Greek Fire? On July 4 king Ecgbehrt I of Kent dies, and his brother Hlothhere (-685) becomes king of Kent (until 685). Visigoth king Wamba sieges and captures the strategic Catalan port of Castellum Caucliberi (modern-day Collioure) at the E end of the Pyrenees, then wins a naval V that isolates the rebels from their external Jewish and Muslim supporters, and takes Nimes on Sept. 3 and captures Flavius Paulus and his rebel leaders, who are tried and convicted, but spared and scalped and imprisoned for life; pissed-off Wamba then expels all Jews from Narbonne, and orders all Jews throughout his kingdom expelled who don't convert to Christianity on the spot - Mel Gibson woulda been proud? In Sept. the first Gen. Synod of the English Church is held near Hertford Castle to attempt to decide the neverending Easter Controversy. Lothair III dies, and his youngest brother Theodoric (Theuderic) III (-698) inherits his kingdoms, but a group of Burgundian nobles led by Leodegar and Ethicho invite the older brother Childeric II (653-75) of Austrasia to become king of Neustria, and he invades Theodoric's domain and becomes king of all the Franks (until 675). The Arabs begin yearly raids across the Oxus River in an attempt to capture Bukhara and Soghdiana (until 704). Architecture: Ely Abbey in Cambridgeshire, England is founded. Inventions: War spurs technological breakthroughs, part umpty-ump? Callinicus (Kallinikos) (620-) (Gr. "gloriously victorious") of Heliopolis, a Christian (Jewish?) refugee from Syria invents the new secret veapon of Greek Fire (crude oil mixed with sulfur, rock salt, and resin used as a sticky missile?) (a mixture of gunpowder, pitch, and saltpeter that can burn on water?) to use against Muslim Devils attacking Christian soldiers, esp. in the narrow Bosporus Strait. Births: English monk-historian ("the Father of English History") (St.) The Venerable Bede of Jarrow (d. 735) in Monkton, Northumberland; starts the tradition of ringing bells at funerals. English Benedictine missionary ("the Apostle of Germany") (St.) Boniface (Winfrid) (Wynfrith) (Wynfrid) (d. 755) (b. 675?) in Crediton, Devonshire; born to a prominent family in S England; converts the Frisians, Thuringians, and Hessians, reforms the Frankish church, and cements the alliance between the papacy and Carolingian monarchy; feast day: June 5. Deaths: Chinese "The Thirteen Emperors Scroll" artist Yen Li-pen (Liben) (Baron Wenzhen of Boling) (b. ?); greatest artist of the T'ang period.

674 - The Jokers Wild Greek Fire Year? From a beared robed Metrosexual nailed to a cross, to shooting flamethrowers at soldiers of the Devil while kissing an emperor's feet, all in 666 years plus or minus change?

Greek Fire, 673-

674 In Apr. the Muslim Saracen navy passes unimpeded through the Hellespont and lands troops near Hebdomon Palace 7 mi. from Constantinople, but they are repulsed, with Greek Fire (a flamethrower that puts people and ships on fire and can burn on water, invented in 673 by Syrian engineer refugee Callinicus) used against them by the busy buzzing Byzantines for the first time, causing the soldiers of Blallah to back off and plunder the coasts of the Propontis until Sept., then retreat to Cyzicus Island for the winter; (being mindless killing machines?) they repeat this cycle every year until 678 before giving up with the loss of 30K troops, leaving behind the grave of martyr Abu Ayub al-Ansari (whom the Christians confuse with Job?), which is miraculously relocated via a holy vision after the fall of the city in 1453, and becomes the site of the 4-star Mosque of Abu Ayub, where Ottoman sultans are coronated with the sword of Osman. Wessex Queen (St.) Sexburga of Wessex abdicates and enters a nunnery, and is succeeded by Escwin (-676), who becomes the king #8 of Wessex. Dagobert II (d. 678) returns and becomes king of Austrasia (until 678), bringing his Visigoth queen. Now in complete control, Visigoth king Wamba subdues the pesky Astures and Ruccones (Luggones) and incorporates them into a new province; facing increasing piratical raids of pesky Muslims, he rebuilds the Roman walls around Toledo, and fortifies other cities incl. Hondarribia (Fuenterrabia) on the French border; too bad, the bulk of the pop. is not Goth but Roman, and they are hard to coerce into joining the army, causing Wamba to order slaves freed to join it, and issue a decree ordering everyone, incl. clergy to defend the kingdom from a foreign invader, with the soundbyte "For whenever an enemy invades the provinces of our kingdom... those who inhabit the border... disappear so that, by this means, there is no mutual support in battle". Architecture: Benedict Biscop introduces stone churches and glass windows to England. Deaths: Arab Muhammad's court poet Hassan ibn Thabit (b. ?).

675 - The Jekyll-Hyde Third Council of Braga Zen Buddhism Year?

675 The Lombards begin to rule in Farentum in Apulia. After ordering corporal punishment for the noble Bodilo and pissing off the nobles of Neustria, Childeric II is assassinated along with his wife Bilichild while hunting in the forest near Livry, and the Frankish kingdom goes into anarchy and civil war between Theodoric III and Dagobert II. The Slavs begin repeated assaults on Salonika (until 681) while settling Thrace, Macedonia, and Greece at will. In Nov. the Eleventh Council of Toledo convenes, and ? The Synod of Saint-Jean-de-Losne condemns clerical hunting - won't fly in Wyoming? The Third Council of Braga in Spain issues eight decrees on ritual, handling of sacred vessels, who may and may not live with a priest, rules for punishing clergy, and unacceptable beejay, er, forms of payment of clergy and rectors. Wulfhere dies, and is succeeded by his brother (son of Penda) Aethelred (OE "noble power") (-716) as king of Mercia (until 704). Development of Zen Buddhism begins. The Staffordshire Hoard of worked gold and silver pieces is buried in W England between this year and 725; discovered in 2009. Architecture: A great fire in London destroys the wooden Saxon Cathedral, and it is rebuilt in stone (finished 685). Inventions: The first English Sundial is built in Newcastle, England. Nonfiction: About this time the Baile Chuind Chetchathaig ("Vision of Conn of the Hundred Battles") is written, containing the earliest known list of kings of Tara in Ireland. Births: Bulgarian khan #2 (700-721) Tervel (Terval) (Tarvel) (Terbelis) (d. 721); son of Asparukh (640-701). Deaths: French Christian missionary St. Amand (b. 584) in Saint-Amand-les-Eaux, Nord. Irish monk St. Colman of Lindisfarne (b. 605) on Feb. 18. Frankish king (673-5) Childeric II (b. 653) near Livry (assassinated).

Pope Donus (-678)

676 On June 17 Pope (since 672) Deusdedit II dies, and on Nov. 2 the son of a Roman named Mauricius is elected Pope (#78) Donus (Domnus) (d. 678), going on to pave the forecourt of St. Peter's Church, and pave the quadrangle in front with great blocks of white marble; after a colony of Nestorian monks is discovered in the Syrian Monasterium Boetianum in Rome, he confiscates it and disperses them to other religious houses. In Sept.-Oct. the Venerable Bede records a "star of marvelous brightness seen shining throughout the whole world" (comet?). Escwin dies, and is succeeded by Centwine (d. 685) as king #9 of Wessex. Aethelred of Mercia ravages Kent, destroying Christian churches and monasteries, and takes Rochester. The Bet Qatraye region in NE Arabia secedes from the Nestorian Church, after which written records cease (Muslim takeover?). Births: Arab Shiite imam #5 Muhammad ibn 'Ali (Ali) al-Baqir (d. 733) in Medina; son of 'Ali ibn Husayn and Fatimah bint al-Hasan; father of Ja'far al-Sadiq (702-65). Syrian Christian theologian (St.) John of Damascus (John Damascene) Chrysorrhoas (Gr. "stream of gold") (d. 754) in Damascus; feast day: May 6 (Roman) and Dec. 4 (Greek).

677 The Tang Dynasty acceps Silla as master of the Korean Peninsula, except for the Manchurian territory under former Koguryo control; the Silla move their capital to Kyongju.

678 - The Jack, er, Shakeoff Papal Oath Year Original PGP (Pretty Good Privacy) Year? Big year for Mary Magdalene mental masturbation conspiracy theorists?

Pope  St. Agatho (577-681) St. Arbogast (-678) Rennes-le-Chateau Emblem of the Priory of Sion

678 On Apr. 11 Pope (since 676) Donus dies, and on June 27 Pope (#79) (St.) Agatho (577-681), a 100-y.-o. Sicilian-born Greek is elected, becoming the first to take the Papal Oath, which begins "I vow to change nothing of the received tradition." On Dec. 23 King Dagobert II (b. 651) of Austrasia is assassinated in Stenay in the Ardennes Forest while sleeping under a large tree (lanced in the eye) (by the papacy in collusion with Pepin II of Herstal?), and his brother-rival Theodoric III, king of Neustria wins the civil war, becoming Merovingian king of all the Wieners, er, Franks (until 691); Dagobert II's secret son (by his Visigoth 2nd wife Giselle de Razes) Sigibert (Sigebert) (Sigisbert) IV (676-758) escapes and arrives in Languedoc in 681, inheriting his uncle Prince Guillem de Gellone's titles of duke of Razes and count of Rhedae, adopting the surname Plantard (Plant-Ard) (Fr. "rejeton ardent" = ardently flowering shoot), and fathering a secret royal line in Razes (Razés), the region in SE France that incl. Rennes-le-Chateau S of Carcassone near the Pyrenees Mts., which incl. Godfrey (Godfroi) de Bouillon (1058-1100), founder of the original Priory of Sion, whose cool Official Emblem of the Priory of Sion is based on the fleur-de-lis? - the sang real, royal blood, or san greal, holy grail, i.e., the bloodline of Christ through Mary Magdalene, the greatest coverup in his his not herstory but history? The Byzantines use Greek Fire to deep-fry and destroy the Arab fleet at the naval Battle of Syllaeum in Pamphylia, and defeat them on land in the Battle of Lycia, then secure a favorable 30-year peace; Constantine IV suggests a gen. council to settle the Monothelite Controversy. Ferchar Fota of the Scots is routed by Srathclyde. Archbishop Theodore of Tarsus decides to divide the large diocese of Northumbria, and deposes and exiles bishop Wilfrid of York when he won't go along, and he moves to Sussex in 681, working on converting its pesky pagans (until 686). Births: Arab Muslim leader Ayesha (Aisha) (b. 614). Deaths: Arab Shia imam Hasan ibn Ali ibn Abu Talib (b. 625) in Medina. Irish Christian bishop of Strasbourg Frankish (Austrasian) king (674-8) Dagobert II (b. 651) on Dec. 23 in Stenay in the Ardennes Forest (assassinated); his existence is covered-up by the Carolingians, rediscovered in 1646 by Adrien de Valois, and first pub. in 1655 by Bollandiste Henschenius. (St.) Arbogast (Gael. Arascach) (b. ?) in Austria; feast day: July 21.

679 - The Bulgarians Shack-Up With Slavs Year? The Bulgars split the Byzantine Empire between the Greasers (Greeks) and the Soshes (Slavs)?

679 After Aethelred of Mercia marries Ecgfrith of Northumbria's daughter Osthryth (-697), they fight on the banks of the Trent River over the province of Lindsay, and Aethelred regains it in a battle in which Ecgfrith's brother Elfwine is slain, after which Canterbury archbishop Theodore of Tarsus intervenes, allowing Aethelred to pay a weregild to end the feud. After being pushed out of S Russia and the Ukraine by the Altaic Khazars, and a llegedly trying to invade China and being turned back by distracting them by putting naked women on the Great Wall of China, a horde of 250K Hun-like C Asiatic (mixed Ural-Altaic and Indo-European) Bulgars (Bulgers) under Khan Asperukh (-701) arrive in the Danube Delta and begin to press S into Slav territory, subjugating Moesia then adopting the Slav dialect and customs. Deaths: English queen-abbess St. Etheldreda (b. 630) on June 23 in Ely.

680 - The Chef's Waterbag in Teeth Earwig Yazid I Abbas ibn Ali Ashoura Year?

Pepin II of Herstal (635-714) St. Caedmon (671-) Ashoura

680 On May 6 Caliph Muawiya I (b. 602) dies after planning to capture Constantinople the long way around by sending a western invasion force to Spain under Musa ibn Nusayr (640-716) (son of a Jewish convert to Islam, who has his own motives?), which is cancelled; he is succeeded as Umayyad caliph in Damascus by his son Yazid I (647-83), causing the Muslim siege of Constantinople to end, and turning the caliphate into a h-hell-no hereditary dynasty; on Oct. 2 after trying to reach his main base of Kufa and being intercepted by a 1K-man vanguard of Yazid I's army, rival caliph Husayn bin Ali (b. 626) digs in at the town of Karbala (Kerbala) in Iraq 60 mi. SW of Baghdad near the Euphrates River, and on Oct. 3 a 3K-man army of Yazid I led by clergyman (not military man) Umar (Omar) ibn Sa'ad (gov. of Ray) arrives, beefing up to 20K by Oct. 6 and 30K by Oct. 10, cutting off the water supply to the town on Oct. 7, causing Husayn's half-brother Abbas (Arab. "lion") ibn Ali (b. 647) (eldest son of Ali ibn Abi Talib and 2nd wife Fatima bint Hizam al-Kilabiyya) (known as the greatest warrior in Arabia) to bravely sally out alone to get water for the women and children, and get killed after losing both arms and carrying the waterbag in his teeth?; on Oct. 10 (Muharram 10) Husayn ibn Ali and his 72 loyal companions (close relatives of Prophet Muhammad), incl. his other half-brother Usman (Uthman) ibn Ali sally out and take them all on at the Battle of Karbala (Kerbala), and are all massacred by Shimr ibn Dhi'l-Jawshan (bin Ziljoshan) after putting up a heroic fight, after which Husayn's head is placed on a lance and sent as a gift to Yazid I, beginning the Second Muslim Civil War (Fitna) (ends 692); the bodies of Husayn and Abbas are buried by the local Bani Asad tribe at the Masshad Al-Husayn Tomb, which becomes a Shiite religious pilgrimage site; the Sunni-Shiite split is hardened forever as the Shiites (who believe in a hereditary imamate, vs. an elective caliphate for the Sunnis) begin commemorating Husayn's martyrdom in the yearly ritual of Ashura (Ashoura) (Aashurah) (Arab. "tenth'), held on the 10th day of the Islamic mo. of Muharram, where the faithful march in processions beating their chests, drawing their own blood (cutting themselves) and mourning their failure to help Husayn battle Yazid, the loss consigning Shiites to minority status in the Islamic world; some Shiites don't draw blood because harming one's own body is un-Islamic?; some of Hussein's followers believe that he didn't really die and will one day return, while others follow his brother Muhammad, and others follow Hussein's son Zayn al-Abidin and later his son Muhammad al-Baqir. After he tries to reform the military and triggers a civil war, and is poisoned in Pampliega (near Burgos) under the orders of Ervig (Erwig) (Ervigio) (Euric) (643-87) (son of Ardabast from Constantinople and Chindasuinth's niece) (why does his name make me think of an earwig?), sick Wamba retires to a monastic habit and appoints Ervig his successor, and he is crowned as king of Visigoth Spain in Toledo on Oct. 31 (until 687), rewarding his co-conspirator Julian of Toledo (642-90) with the job of bishop of Toledo, who covers it all up in his Historia Wambae Regis (History of King Wamba); when the public doesn't buy the coverup, Ervig goes on to become a complete puppet of the bishops and nobles, giving them the keys to the cash register while his kingdom goes into decline and near civil war, and the pop. becomes immoral, setting it up for plucking like a ripe apple by the Muslims in 711? On Nov. 12 having beaten off the Muslim threat to Constantinople, Constantine IV convenes the Third Council of Constantinople (Sixth Ecumenical Council) (ends Sept. 16, 681), where a letter from Pope (678-81) St. Agatho helps decide the pressing issue of the popular new Syrian-Armenian doctrine of Monothelitism (a new 2N1W variant of 1N2W Monophysitism that claims that Christ doesn't have one nature, divine, and two wills, divine and human, but two natures, divine and human, and one will, divine), which is rejected as heretical on Sept. 16, 681 after 18 meetings in favor of the 2N2W Orthodox doctrine after Syrian-born deacon St. Andreas (669-740) gives great speeches winning them over; the council condemns all Monothelites, incl. Pope Honorius I (who is deposed and excommunicated), ending the East-West Schism temporarily; proof that the doctrine of papal infallibility hasn't been formed yet? Constantine IV also promises Pope Agatho to abolish the tax popes have to pay to the imperial treasury at their consecration; meanwhile the Byzantine church has to absorb the impact of losing Monophysite-friendly Syria and Egypt, along with its patriarchs of Antioch, Alexandria, and Jerusalem, while trying to avoid pissing off Pope Agatho, who becomes the first Roman pope to interpret Luke 22:31 in support of papal claims to the primacy of the succession of Peter; meanwhile the Bulgarians under Khan Asparukh cross the Danube River, causing Constantine IV to lead a combined land-sea operation and siege their fortified camp in Dobruja; too bad, Constantine IV bugs out, claiming bad health, causing his army to panic and get defeated and force him to deal with it. Pepin I's grandson Pepin II the Younger (635-714) of Herstal (Heristal) in Belgium on the Meuse River, son of Bishop Arnulf's son Ansegisel (mayor of the palace of Austrasia) and his wife St. Begga (Begue) (Begge) (615-93) (daughter of Pepin I of Landen) becomes mayor of the palace of Austrasia (until 714). Theodo I dies, and his son Theodo II/V (625-716) becomes duke of Bavaria (until 716). The Lombards are converted from Arianism to Trinitarianism (orthodoxy). Canterbury archbishop Theodore of Tarsus calls the Synod of Hatfield to clear the church of England from any association with Monothelitism. In this decade female Nekazon Dahia al-Kahina (-603) succeeds Kusaila as war leader of the Berber tribes in the Aures Mts., converting to Judaism or Christianity and taking on the invading Umayyad armies of Hasan near Meskiania (modern-day Oum el-Bouaghi, Algeria) and defeating him so soundly that he flees Ifrqiya and holes up in Cyrenaica for 4-5 years, then returns and defeats her, and she dies fighting them or commits suicide at age 100+ (127?) in 703; her tribe later becomes the main source of Spanish Jews? Sports: The 50th Rule of the Catholic Canons forbids playing chess. Inventions: The modern symbol for zero is first used in Sumatra and Cambodia (or was it first invented in India?) - space travel is now less than thirteen-zero-zero years away? Nonfiction: In this decade Aimirgein mac Amalgado of the Deisi of Muman writes Cain Fuithulie, an Irish law tract. About this time abbot of Iona Abbey (679-704) (St.) Adomnan (Adomnán) (Adamnan) (Adamnán) (Eunan) of Iona (624-704) writes Life of St. Columba, the previous abbot. In this decade the Irish liturgical work Antiphanary of Bangor is written in Bangor Abbey in N Ireland. Deaths: Indian mathematiciain Bhaskara I (b. 600). Arab Muslim caliph #5 Muawiya I (b. 602) on May 6. British abbess St. Hilda of Whitby (b. 614). Arab Muslim Shiite imam #3 Husayn ibn Ali ibn Abu Talib (b. 626) on Oct. 10 (10 Muharram A.H. 61) in Karbala, Iraq (KIA). French queen St. Bathild of Ascania (b. 626) on Jan. 30. Muslim Shiite martyr Abbas ibn Ali (b. 647) on Oct. 10 in Karbala, Iraq (KIA). You only have a little more time to text in your vote? English monk-poet (St.) Caedmon (b. ?) (attached to Whitby Abbey); "There was in the Monastery of this Abbess a certain brother particularly remarkable for the Grace of God, who was wont to make religious verses, so that whatever was interpreted to him out of scripture he soon after put the same into poetical expressions of much sweetness and humility in English, which was his native language. By his verse the minds of many were often excited to despise the world and to aspire to heaven." (Venerable Bede); leaves Caedmon's Hymn, a 9-line poem in praise of God which he was given in a dream, becoming one of the earliest Germanic poems and one of the three earliest known examples of Old English, along with the runic Ruthwell Cross and Frankish casket inscriptions.

681 - The Julian of Toledo Kingdom of Bulgaria Year?

681 On Jan. 9 the Twelfth Council of Toledo, convened by Spanish Visigoth king Ervig confirms Wamba's abdication documents, but the pop. smells a rat, causing him to throw himself on the bishops and nobles for support, which comes at a price; at the instigation of fanatically anti-Semitic bishop Julian of Toledo (642-90), 28 laws condemning the Jews are issued, forbidding them from observing the Sabbath et al.; in Nov. the Ervigian Code is promulgated, revising 80 laws of Recceswinth and adding six new ones of his own plus three of Wamba; the council confirms the Erwicz decrees regarding Jewish converts to Christianity, but changes the death sentence for violation to 100 lashes, while enacting many devilish details such as mutilation of a father and de-nosing of a mother for circumcizing their son, although new converts are allowed to skip pork, after which all local Jews are forced to hear the decrees read in the Church of the Holy Virgin. On Jan. 10 Pope Agatho dies before learning the good news from Constantinople. After Byzantine emperor Constantine IV officially recognizes him and pays him protection money to save Thrace, Khan Asparukh (Asparuh) (Isperih) (Ispor) (640-701) founds the Kingdom of Bulgaria in Moesia, which lasts until 1018; the emperor cedes all territory N of the Balkans to the Danube River, with the exception of some Black Sea ports, Wallachia, Moldova, and Bessarabia (which is held by the Thracian Bessi tribe, giving it its name); the Bulgars go on to systematically deport Slavs N of the Danube River, while other Slavic tribes flee as far S as the Peloponnesus; meanwhile jealous Constantine IV has his co-emperor brothers Heraclius and Tiberius mutilated (denosed) to make them ineligible to rule, and promotes his 13-y.-o. son Justinian II (b. 668) to co-emperor. In Sept. the Sixth Ecumenical (Gen.) Council in Constantinople closes after finally repudiating the Monothelist doctrine, proclaiming that Christ had not one but two wills, and reaffirming the 451 Council of Chalcedon; it also approves a dating system based on the Creation of the World according to the Septuagint trans. of the Bible, dating it to Sept. 1, 5508 years 3 mo. and 25 days before the birth of not-one-but-two-two-two-wills-in-one Christ. King Centwine of Wessex fights the Welsh at Cornwall, pushing them to the sea. Sinmun (-691) becomes king of Korea, strengthening his position against the aristocracy and reorganizing the govt. Architecture: The Benedictine Gloucester Abbey of St. Peter in England is founded by Saxon King Osric, built over Roman foundations. Jarrow Monastery on the Tyne River in England is founded by St. Benedict Biscop, becoming a double house with St. Peter's in Monkwearmouth on the Wear River (founded 674-5). Deaths: Arab Muslim scholar Abu Hurairah (b. 603). Chinese Buddhist monk Shan-tao (b. 613).

The Pope St. Leo II Holy Water Sprinkling Year?

Pope St. Leo II (-683)

682 On Aug. 17 Pope (#80) (St.) Leo II (-683) (a Sicilian) is elected, starting the practice of sprinkling holy water on people during religious functions - for that sweet but still sexy kind of look, the original wet t-shirt contest? A great plague in Britain kills Welsh king Cadwalla's son Cadwallader Fendigaid (b. 633), and his son Idwal Iwrch (Roebuck or Runt) ap Cadwalader (650-720) becomes king of Gwynedd (until 720). The Nat. Confucian College is founded in Korea; portraits of Confucius and his disciples are brought from China in 717.

683 On Aug. 3 Pope Leo II dies. After Abdullah ibn Zubayr (624-92) (son of Caliph Abu Bakr's daughter Asma, and nephew of Muhammad's wife Aisha) and Abdullah ibn Umar (614-93) (son of Caliph Omar) begin a revolt in the Hejaz, winning the Aug. 26 Battle of al-Harrah NE of Media, then capturing Medina and sieging Mecca (damaging the Kaabah), Yazid I (b. 645) dies suddenly, and his son Muawiyah (Moawiyah) (Mu'awiya) II (661-84) becomes the Muslim Umayyad caliph #3 (until 684), but al-Zubayr's son Abdallah ibn al-Zubayr (624-92) (whose father Zubayr ibn al-Awwam is the nephew of Muhammad's wife Aisha, and whose mother Asma bint Abu Bakr is the daughter of Caliph Abu Bakr) rises against him, demanding that the caliph be selected from the Quraysh tribe of the Umayyad clan, in other words, himself, beginning the Second Muslim (Islamic) Civil War (Fitna) (ends 692) in Arabia and Iraq; meanwhile the Qays tribal confederation in N Syria and Iraq backs al-Zubayr, while the rival confederation of Kalb in S Syria and Palestine backs the Umayyads, causing a separate feud. In Oct. the plague returns to Ireland (until 685). On Nov. 4-13 the Thirteenth (13th) Council of Toledo of 77 bishops, five abbots, and three church dignitaries is held, and king Ervig continues giving away the store to the bishops. On Dec. 27 Tang Gao Zong (b. 628) dies, and after his son Tang Zhong Zong (Li Xian) (Li Zhe) (Wu Xian) (656-710) becomes Tang emperor #4 of China, Gao Zong's 2nd wife Empress Wu deposes and exiles him in less than 2 mo. in favor of his younger brother (her son) Tang Rui Zong (Ruizong) (Jui Tsung) (Li Dan) (Li Xulun) (Li Lun) (Wu Lun) (Wu Dan) (662-716), who becomes Tang emperor #5 of China (until 690), while she wields the real power. Muslim Umayyad forces reach Tangier and the Atlantic Ocean; Sidi Okba (Uqba) ibn Nafi, Arab conqueror of N Africa is killed 10 mi. from the Sahara oasis town of Biskra, Algeria; his tomb contains the earliest known Arabic inscription in N Africa. Births: Japanese Yamato emperor #42 (697-707) Mommu (Karu) (d. 707); 2nd son of Prince Kusakabe (662-89) and Princess Abe (daughter of Tenji); grandson of Temmu (631-86) and empress Jito (645-702). Japanese Yamato emperor #44 (715-24) Gensho (Hidaka) (d. 748); daughter of Prince Kusakabe (662-89) (son of Temmu and Jito) and empress Gemmei (661-721). Deaths: Chinese Tang emperor #3 (649-83) Gao Zu (b. 628) on Dec. 27. Arab Muslim Umayyad caliph #2 (680-3) Yazid I (b. 645).

684 - The First Mahdi Year?

Pope Benedict II (-685) St. Cuthbert of Lindisfarne (634-87)

684 On June 26 Pope (#81) (St.) Benedict II (-685) is elected. In June a major conference of the Arab tribes elected Marwan I ibn al-Hakam (623-85) ruler of the Marwanid branch of the Umayyad clan as Ummayad caliph #4 (until Apr. 12, 685), representing a break, since the first three Umayyad rulers were from the Sufyanid branch. Join the A-list today? On Aug. 18 the Second Battle of Marj Rahit (Marj-al-Rahit) saw the Kalbs defeat the Qaysis without really ending the feud, which continued to fester, eating at the Umayyad base. On Nov. 14-20 the Fourteenth Council of Toledo is held under King Erwig to approve the Sixth Ecumenical Council of 680-1. On Dec. 29 there is a tsunami (Jap. "harbor wave") in Nankaido, Japan, the first in official Japanese records. Canterbury archbishop Theodore of Tarsus calls the Synod of Twyford at the mouth of the Aln River (near Alnwick), which deposes Tunberht of Hexham and unanimously elects St. Cuthbert of Lindisfarne (634-87) as bishop of Lindisfarne, and after he won't budge from his cave on the Farne Islands (where he retired in 676, then instituted laws to protect the Eider ducks and other nesting seabirds), a fleet of boats headed by the king arrives to personally beg him, and he is consecrated on Easter day next Mar. 26 in York, ony to resign by late 686 and return to his cave after Christmas 686 before dying, becoming a saint after his casket is opened years later and his body is allegedly perfectly preserved, being put to rest in Durham in 995. Deaths: French monk-abbot St. Philibert of Jumieges (b. 608) in Heriou.

685 - Scotland wins its free-ee-ee-dom from the stankin' English for the first but not last time, only it's not Scots it's Picts, and it's not English its Anglo-Saxons?

Justinian II Rhinotmetus (668-711) Pope John V (-686) Noble Sanctuary, 685 Stone of Aberlemno

685 There is an earthquake on the Isle of Man. On Feb. 6 Hlothhere is defeated and KIA by his nephew (son of Ecgberht) and co-ruler Eadric (-686) with the help of the South Saxons, and he becomes king of Kent (until 686). On Apr. 12 Marwan I (b. 623) dies, and his son Abd al-Malik (Abdal Melik) (Abdel Malik) (Arab. "servant of the king") ibn Marwan (646-705) becomes the 5th Muslim Umayyad caliph, making Arabic the official admin. language, and instituting the barid (1 barid = 4 farsakh = 12 mi.) pony express-style postal and spy system; Muslim history from here back to Muhammad is a later fabrication? On May 8 Pope (since 684) Benedict II dies, and on July 23 Pope (#82) John V (-686) is elected. On May 20 the Battle of Nechtansmere (Nectansmere) (Dun Nechtain) on Dunnichen Moss at Letham (near Forfar) in Angus is a V for the Celtic-speaking Picts under Bridei III over the Northumbrians under Ecgfrith (who is KIA), ending Northumbrian Anglo-Saxon attempts to establish a hegemony in Pictland (Caledonia), and saving Scotland for the Scots; invading Northumbrian king Ecgfrith is KIA; the existence of an independent kingdom of Picts is secured, along with a border, and they and the Britons now dominate N England; Aldfrith (Aeldfrith) (-705), son of Oswiu and Irish princess Fin becomes king of Northumbria (until Dec. 705), becoming known for his learning and letters. Pictland and Scotland begin their independent evolution; the Stone of Aberlemno in Angus depicts the big Pict V? - six centuries to Sir William Wallace? On Sept. 14 Byzantine emperor (since 668) Constantine IV (b. 652) dies of dysentery, and his 17-y.-o. son Justinian II Rhinotmetus (Cut Nose or Slit Nose) (668-711) is crowned Byzantine emperor #115 (until 695; then Aug. 21, 705-Dec. 11, 711), going on to become the first to issue coins with Christ's figure, with Christ on the obverse and himself on the reverse; too bad, he can't stand opposition, acting like such an ass that he turns the people against him. Centwine abdicates to become a monk, and is succeeded by Caedwall(a) (659-89) as king #10 of Wessex (until 688). Tang Zhong Zong is exiled by Empress Wu to Fang Zhou, and his brother Dan becomes Tang emperor Tang Juan Zong (-713) (until 713). King Sinmun of Korea announces five "secondary" capitals, transferring aristocrats from conquered states to rule them. Al-Mukhtar begins the Mawali Mahdi Uprising on behalf of Muhammad ibn al-Hanafiyya (636-700), a son of Caliph Ali by a concubine, which gains the support of the mawali, non-Arab converts to Islam who are treated like manure and forced to pay the jizya; in 686 Mukhtar Thaqafi proclaims al-Hanafiyya as the first Mahdi (Arab. "divinely guided one"), the Messiah who comes at the End of Days and institutes a reign of justice (copied from Christ?); the uprising is crushed by 687; meanwhile the Ibadi sect claims the 5th caliph as Abdullah ibn Wahb al-Rasibi, later becoming the majority (75%) belief in modern Oman, splitting with both the Sunnis and Shiites, and practicing dissociation but not hostility towards unbelievers and sinners; so, the holy Muslim scoresheet shows Quraysh (whose nuts start it all), who fathers Qusayy, who fathers Abd Manaf, who fathers Abd Shams and Hashim; Abd Shams fathers Umayya ibn Abd Shams, founder of the Umayyad dynasty; Hashim fathers Abbas (Abd al-Muttalib) (566-652), who fathers al-Abbas (ancestor of Abu al-Abbas, founder of the Abbasid Dynasty), Abdallah, and Abu Talib; Abdallah fathers Muhammad the Prophet, who fathers Fatima Zahra, who marries Ali, son of Abu Talib; Ali and Fatima father Hasan and Husayn, founders of the Shiite imams and the Fatimid caliphs. Architecture: Buddhist Kaiyuan Temple (Ziyun Hall) in Quanzhou, China is built. Muslims begin building the Noble Sanctuary (Al-Haram al-Sharif), a 35-acre site in Jerusalem's walled Old City which takes up one-sixth of the area, and which ends up with the Dome of the Rock in the center and Al-Aqsa Mosque at the S end - who do you wake up in the morning wanting to talk to more than anybody else? Winchester Cathedral in England is founded. Births: Chinese Tang emperor #6 (712-56) Tang Xuan Zong (Ming) (Li Longji) (Wu Longji) (d. 762) on Sept. 8; son of Tang Rui Zong (662-716); father of Tang Su Zong (711-62). Roman Byzantine emperor #121 (717-41) Leo III the Isaurian (Isaurican) (Syrian) (Konon) (d. 741) in Commagene, Anatolia; husband of Maria; father of Constantine V and Anna. Deaths: Arab Muslim Umayyad caliph #4 (623-85) Marwan I (b. 623) on Apr. 12. Byzantine emperor #114 (668-85) Constantine IV (b. 652) on Sept. 14 in Constantinople (dysentery).

Pope Conon (-687) Pope Conan the Barbarian Bishop Julian of Toledo (642-90) Japanese Empress Jito (645-702) Yakushi Temple, Nara, 686-97

686 In the spring Cadwalla of Wessex establishes himself as overlord of Essex, and along with King Sebbi invades Kent and Wight, killing king Eadric of Kent on Aug. 31; Cadwalla's brother Mul ("Mule") (-687) (a West Saxon of the house of Cynric) becomes king of Kent; Sebbi uses the chance to found the first Westminster Abbey in London. On Aug. 2 Pope John V dies, and on Oct. 21 Pope (#83) Conon (-687) is elected - is he a barbarian? On Oct. 1 emperor (since 672) Temmu (b. 631) dies, and his niece-wife Jito (645-702) becomes the 4th woman to ascend the Chrysanthemum Throne as Japanese Yamato emperor #41 (until 697), ruling from Fukiwara Palace in Yamato. In 686 she declares the game of Sugoroko (backgammon) illegal, along with chess, after beginning the wooden earthquake-proof Yakushi Temple in Nara in 680 (finished 697), housing the Yakushi Nyorai (Medicine Buddha), which arrived from China in 680. Sussex, the last heathen kingdom in England is converted to Christianity by Wilfrid of York - that sussex? Nonfiction: Pull over and let me drive? Virulently anti-Semitic Spanish Roman Catholic #1 bishop Julian of Toledo (642-90) (of Jewish descent?) writes De Comprobatione Aetatis Sextae Contra Judaeos, expounding on the Messianic prophecies in the Bible with the intention of converting Jews while defending against Jewish arguments that Jesus is not the Messiah; it seems the Jews were converting Christians, despite the dire penalties? Sports: Emperor Jito of Japan declares the game of Sugoroko (backgammon) illegal, along with chess. Architecture: The wooden earthquake-proof Yakushi Temple in Nara is begun (finished 697), housing the Yakushi Nyorai (Medicine Buddha), which arrived from China in 680. Births: Frankish king (720-41) and mayor of Austrasia and Neustria (714-41) Charles Martel (the Hammer) (d. 741) on Aug. 23 in Herstal, Belgium; son of Pepin II of Herstal and his 2nd wife (mistress) Alphaida (Alpaida); father of Carloman (-754) and Pepin III the Short (714-68); grandfather of Charlemagne (742-814); named Charles after the messenger of the birth doesn't want to tip off Pepin II's wife Plectrude, so he says "Long live the king, it is a carl (man)", and he replies "A carl is it? Let him be called that"? Nonfiction: (St.) Adomnan of Iona (624-704) De Locis Sanctis (Concerning the Sacred Places); dedicated to Aldfrith of Northumbria. Deaths: Korean Buddhist eclectic monk Wonhyo (b. 617). Japanese Yamato emperor #40 (672-86) Temmu (b. 631) on Oct. 1.

687 - The Killianfest Agnus Dei Year?

Visigoth King Egica (610-702 Pope St. Sergius I (-701) St. Killian (640-87)

687 Another page in the hagiolatry? On July 8 after accusing newly-converted duke Gosbert of Wurzburg of immorality for being married to his brother's widow Geilana, causing him to promise to separate from her, Irish missionary (bishop of Wurzburg) (St.) Killian (b. 640) is murdered along with two other missionaries, Colman and Totman, by her orders; after she tries to cover it up, one of her accomplices breaks, and she goes insane, after which German Christians begin celebrating Killianfest. On Sept. 21 Pope Conon dies, and on Dec. 15 Pope (#84) (St.) Sergius (Lat. "servant") I (-701) is elected, ordering the Agnus Dei ("Lamb of God") to be sung by the clergy and people at the Mass - he works from nine to five and then? On Nov. 14 after growing gravely ill (deja vu?), Ervig proclaims his son-in-law (husband of his daughter Cixilo) Egica (Egicca) (Ergica) (610-702) (an Aryan?) as king of Visigoth Spain (until 702), and retires to a monastery then kicks off to be with Christ; Egica goes on to be a mean king, punishing homosexuals with castration, prohibiting Jews from conducting business with Christians, passing laws treating fugitive slaves harshly, and upstaging Draco by amending a law requiring anybody accused of theft of goods worth 300 solidi or more to be tried via the caldaria (boiling alive in water) to anybody accused of theft however small (even a cabbage?) to get the govt.-provided parboiling. Pepein II wins a big V at the Battle of Tertry near Peronne, conquering Neustria and making himself mayor of the Neustria and Burgundy (until 714), reuniting the Franks, who had been sinking into ducal separatism, and completely dominating the kings of Austrasia until his death in 714; the Carolingians (House of Pepin) become hereditary mayors of the palace in France; Pepin II goes on to have son Grimoald of Herstal (-714) by his 1st wife Plectrudis, and son Charles Martel (686-741) by his 2nd wife Alphaida. King Mul of Kent is killed (burned), causing Cadwalla to ravage Kent again; brothers Swaefheard and Swaefberht (-738) (sons of King Saeberht of Essex), along with Oswine (descendant of Eormenred) become co-kings of Kent (until 692). The Mawali Mahdi Uprising (begun 685) is crushed. King Sinmun of Korea tightens central state control, gaining direct command of the army and restricting the ability of the aristocracy to squeeze farmers, but without stopping them from growing rich? Deaths: English bishop St. Cuthbert of Lindisfarne (b. 634) on Mar. 20 in Inner Farne, Northumberland; becomes the patron saint of Northumbria. Irish Catholic missionary bishop St. Killian (b. 640) on July 8 in Wurzburg, Germany (murdered).

688 - The Let It Bleed Year?

Ine of Wessex (670-728) Bishop Julian of Toledo (642-90)

688 According to Venerable Bleed, er, Bede, "The rain turned to blood in Britain, and in Ireland milk and butter turned to blood." On May 11 the Fifteenth Council of Toledo, called by the late king Ervig convenes, and new king Egica uses it to try to get out of his dual oaths to Ervig to protect his children and not deny justice to the people, claiming they are mutually contradictory; the council allows him to abandon his wife Cixillo but only partially rescinds the oath on the kids, pissing him off, after which he waits for Bishop Julian of Toledo to croak in 690 then convenes another council in Tarraconensis that sends the bitch to a convent so he can do anything he wants with the orphaned brats. After being wounded on the Isle of Wight, King (since 685) Cadwalla of Wessex converts to Christianity, is baptized in Rome by Pope St. Sergius I with the name of Peter, and then dies, and next year his nephew (son of his 2nd cousin King Coenred of Dorset) Ina (Ine) (670-728) becomes the 11th and best-so-far king of Wessex (until 726), going on to subdue Essex and part of Kent. Architecture: The Cock of the Rock Dome of the Rock mosque in Jerusalem begins construction on top of the ruins of the Jewish Temple of Jehovah (Temple Mount) (finished 692), becoming the oldest Islamic building to survive to modern times, proudly announcing the supremacy of Allah in Big J's former home city; 10th cent. Arab historian Al-Muqaddasi (945-1000) claims that Abd al-Malik built the shrine in order to compete in grandeur with Jerusalem's monumental churches; over the next four cents. Jerusalem's prominence diminished as Arab powers in the region camel-jockeyed for control; the souls of sinners will be weighed here on Judgment Day?; inside is an Arabic inscription reading in part: "O People of the Book! Do not exaggerate in your religion nor utter aught concerning God save the truth. The Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, was only a Messenger of God, and His Word which He conveyed unto Mary, and a spirit from Him. So believe in God and His messengers, and say not 'Three' - Cease! (it is) better for you! God is only One God. Far be it removed from His transcendent majesty that He should have a son" - the city that, as Saladin says, is nothing and everything? Nonfiction: Bishop Julian of Toledo (642-90), Prognosticum Futuri Saeculi (3 vols.); dissertation on death, the situation of souls before the final Parousia of Christ, and the resurrection of the dead, becoming a Medieval bestseller, with up to 2K mss. made by the 12th cent. Births: Chinese Buddhist monk (in Japan) Jianzhen (Ganjin) (Chunyu) (d. 763). in Jiangyin County, Guangling (modern-day Yangzhou, Jiangsu).

689 Nonfiction: Abbot Coelfrid of Lindisfarne commissions the Codex Ameatius, dedicated to St. Cuthbert, becoming the oldest complete 1-vol. Latin Bible to survive to modern times.

690 - Wu Wu Wu Ye Sheeps, China has a female emperor, and she has a long winning season ahead?

Empress Wu of China (624-705)

690 Wihtred (670-725), son of Ecgberht I and brother of Eadric becomes co-king of Kent, followed by sole king by 692-3 (until 725), issuing Textus Roffensis, a code of laws which survive to modern times, giving extensive rights to the Church, and ordaining punishment for pagan worship and irregular marriages. The original Chinese So You Think You Can Dance? Empress Wu Zetian (Wu Zhao) (624-705) deposes her son Tang Rui Zong, and becomes Tang emperor #6 of China (until 705), becoming the first no-holds-barred Chinese empress, pissing-off zillions of male chauvinists, and doubling the aggravation by changing the Tang Dynasty to the Zhou Dynasty; too bad for them, she's more than capable of outgunning the men, so they're in for a long wait for a pair, er, male to sit on the heavenly throne again. Bishop Julian (b. 642) dies, and Sisebert (Sisbert) becomes bishop of Toledo (until 693), going on to plot to depose mean king Egica. In this decade king Seisyll ap Clydog (665-) of Ceredigion (a descendant of King Ceredig through his eldest son Usai) conquers Dyfed and kingless Ystrad Tywi (in SW Wales on the Tywi River), and founds the enlarged Kingdom of Seisyllwg (ends 920). In this decade Anglo-Saxon missionaries begin arriving in the Netherlands to try to convert the pagan Frisians under the direction of Pepin II of France, who sends the leader of the mission to Rome to be consecrated as bishop of Friesland. Architecture: Rupert builds Salzburg Cathedral. Science: The Kitora Tomb Chart in Asuka, Japan is the earliest knnown star chart; discovered in 1998. Births: Roman Catholic pope (741-52) (St.) Zachary (Zacharias) (Zacharius) (d. 752) in S Italy of Greek parents; feast day is Mar. 15. Deaths: Greek-born archbishop of Canterbury (668-90) St. Theodore of Tarsus (b. 602) on Sept. 19 in Canterbury, England; leaves Laterculus Malalianus, an historical exegesis of the life of Christ, which is rediscovered in the 1990s. Anglo-Saxon abbot St. Benedict Biscop (b. 628) on Jan. 12. Spanish bishop St. Julian of Toledo (b. 642).

691 - The Clovis III Year?

Clovis III of the Franks (-695) The Dome of the Rock, 691

691 On Sept. 16 a great storm drowns 16 monks of Iona. Theodoric III makes his son Clovis III (682-95) Merovingian king of all the Franks. The Eastern Turkic Khanate is reestablished in the Tarim Basin. The Third Council of Saragossa in Spain (380, 592) issues five canons on discipline. Architecture: A Saxon monastery is built in Warwickshire, England on the site of the later (12th cent.) parish church of the Holy Trinity in Stratford-upon-Avon where poet William Shakespeare (d. 1616) gets buried. The octagonal Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem is finished by Umayyad Caliph Abd El Malik ibn Mirwan (Abdal Malik), positioned on top of the ancient Jewish Temple of Jehovah to show who's cock of the rock?; inside is an Arabic inscription reading in part: "O People of the Book! Do not exaggerate in your religion nor utter aught concerning God save the truth. The Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, was only a Messenger of God, and His Word which He conveyed unto Mary, and a spirit from Him. So believe in God and His messengers, and say not 'Three' - Cease! (it is) better for you! God is only One God. Far be it removed from His transcendent majesty that He should have a son" - Armageddon's seeds are planted? The Church of San Pedro de la Nave (Church of St. Peter of the Ship) in Zamora, Spain is built by King Egica, becoming known for its magnificent carved capitals, which are only topped after the Moors arrive. Births: Arab Umayyad caliph #10 (724-43) Hisham ibn Abd al-Malik (d. 743); brother of Yazid II and al-Walid I.

692 - The Sexy Quinisext Council Year? As Islam threatens, the Eastern Christian Church circles its wagons and firms up its doctrine?

692 The Second Muslim Civil War (begun 683) ends after Umayyad forces kill Abdallah ibn al-Zubayr in Mecca. The Umayyad Arabs under Caliph Abd al-Malik ibn Marwan defeat the Byzantines under Justinian II at the Battle of Sebastopolis in Cilicia after Justinian II's 30K-man Slavic army under Neboulos defects, becoming the first time a Muslim army uses copies of Quranic texts on their flags. China regains control of the Silk Road from Tibet. Emperor Justinian II calls the Quinisext Council (Trullan Synod of the Third Council of Constantinople), which settles the Biblical canon of the Eastern Church, and anathematizes "Origen and Didymus and Evagrios, all of whom reintroduced feigned Greek myths"; it also condemns mandatory clerical celibacy, and approves the use of images in churches, although prohibiting the forming of the sign of the cross on the floor, and orders that the image of Christ be changed from a lamb to a human figure; it equates abortion with murder; it reasserts the equality of the patriarchates of Constantinople and Rome, which adds to Italian alienation from the East; a power struggle ensues over endorsement. Bridei III Mac Beli (b. 616) dies, and Taran (named after Gaulish thunder god Taranis) becomes king of the Picts (until 697). Coins are struck by Emperor Justinian II which are reminiscent of the Shroud of Turin.

693 A revolt against Spanish Visigoth Christian king Egica, led by Bishop Sisebert of Toledo seized Toledo in the name of some bum named Duke Sunifred, who minted his own coins and intended to be crowned king, until Egica kicked their butts and convened the Sixteenth Council of Toledo (Apr. 25-May 2), which defrocked Sisebert and prohibited him and his descendants from holding office; Archbishop Felix of Seville is translated to take his job in Toledo, and Archbishop Faustinus of Braga is translated to Seville; meanwhile Egica makes his boy son Wittiza (b. 684) co-king just in case (until 702). Callinicus (Kallinikos) I becomes ecumenical patriarch of Constantinople (until 705). Births: Spanish king of Asturias #3 (739-57) Alfonso I (the Catholic) (d. 757) in Cantabria; husband of Ermesinda; father of Fruela I (722-68), Vimorano (-765), Adisinda, and Mauregatus (son of Muslim slave Sisalda). Deaths: French abbess Begga (b. 615) on Dec. 17; joined a convent after her hubby Ansegisel was murdered by his enemy Gundewin.

694 On Nov. 9 Spanish king Egica accuses the Jews of collaborating with the Moroccan Muslims, and orders them enslaved and their property confiscated - Jews don't get mad they get even, so the imminent takeover of Spain by Muslims is assured? Malduinus dies, and Eugenius V (d. 694) becomes king of the Dalriada Scots; he dies, and is succeeded by Eugenius VI (d. 704). Sebbi (d. 695) abdicates to enter a monastery, and his sons Swaefred and Sigeheard becomes joint kings of Essex in England. The Arabs overrun Armenia. King Ine of Wessex attacks Kent and makes them pay 30K pence for murdering king Mul; he also writes the Law Code of King Ine of Wessex.

695 - The Shapely Nose Rules Year?

Byzantine Emperor Leontius (660-706) Childebert III the Just of the Franks (683-711)

695 After his despotism turns the people against him, allowing him to recruit prison comrades, the Blues, and Patriarch Kallinikos, Byzantine emperor (since 685) Justinian II is deposed by his Isaurian-born strategos Leontius (Leontios) (Leo) (660-706), who cuts Justinian's nose off in the belief that a disfigured person cannot serve as emperor, and becomes Byzantine emperor #116 (until 698) - meet the new lord of the rings? Clovis III dies, and his brother Childebert III the Just (683-711) becomes Merovingian king of all the Franks - will the frank stay uncut this time? King Aldfrith of Northumbria marries (St.) Cuthburh (Cuthburg) (-718), sister of King Ine of Wessex; she goes on to become the first abbess of Wimborne Minster. King Wihtred of Kent composes the Law Code of King Wihtred of Kent, attaching King Ine of Wessex's code to it. Births: Arab Shiite Muslim imam #5 Zayd (Zaid) (Zayyed) (Said) (Sajjad) ibn Ali (d. 740) in Medina; son of Ali ibn Husayn (659-713). Deaths: English (Essex) king (664-94) St. Sebbi (b. ?); buried in Old St. Paul's Cathedral, London.

696 - The Venice Gets Doges Year?

St. Willibrord (658-739) St. Rupert (660-718)

696 John of Nikiu is appointed gov.-gen. of the Coptic monasteries in Egypt, writing a Chronicle of the Arab Conquest of Egypt. Venice, the "Bride of the Sea" gains its independence from the Byzantine Empire, and next year the 12 tribunes (one for each principal island) select Paoluccio (Paolo Lucio) Anafesto (-717) as its first doge (duke) (dux), who rules for life (until 717). (St.) Willibrord (658-739) is appointed bishop of Utrecht by Pepin, becoming known as the "Apostle of the Frisians". Frankish missionary (St.) Rupert (660-718) is called to Ratisbon, Bavaria by Theodo II, and begins work among the pagans and pesky Arians as far as Lower Pannonia. Caliph Abd al-Malik decides to use Arabic as the admin. language of the Islamic state, and designs a unique standard Umayyad coinage independent of the Byzantines and Sassanids, consisting of gold dinars and silver dirhams, all devoid of pictures (and cartoons?) and containing Arabic inscriptions.

697 - The Law of Cain Year?

St. Adamnan (624-704)

697 Carthage falls to the Saracens, who destroy it despite Byzantine emperor Leontius sending a relief force, which arrives too late and instead raids the SE coast of Spain, until it is driven off by Visigoth count Theudimer (Theodemir) (-743), who rules seven cities in SE Spain, incl. Orihuela, Valentila (Valencia?), Alicante, Mula, Bigastro, Eyya (Ojos), and Lorica. Taran is deposed, and Bridei IV Mac Derile (-706) becomes king of the Picts (until 706). Nubia achieves political and religious unity under the Monophysite Coptic (Egyptian) Church. Emperor (since 686) Jito abdicates in favor of her grandson (with emperor Temmu) (2nd son of Prince Kusakabe and Princess Abe) Mommu (683-707), who becomes Japanese Yamato emperor #42 (until 707); she takes the title of daijo-tenno, and continues to wield power as a cloistered ruler from a Buddhist nunnery, starting a custom. (St.) Adamnan (Adomnán) (Adamnan) (Adamnán) (624-704), abbot #9 of Iona Abbey (679-704) (St. Columba's biographer) and Iish high king Loingsech mac Óengusso (-703) in convoke the Synod of Birr in Birr (modern-day County Offaly), Ireland on the boundary between the N half of Ireland (dominated by the Ui Neill) and the S half (dominated by the Eoganachta kings of Munster), which proclaims the Cain (Law of) Adamnain (Adomnáin) (Law of the Innocents) in Ireland, protecting women, children, and clerics in war, prohibiting women warriors, and punishing domestic abuse of women incl. vulgar language and groping; the N Irish church submits to Roman Catholic usage, but the bond with Rome isn't, ahem, real close? Deaths: Scottish Dalriada king Ferchar Fota (b. ?). English (Merian) queen (wife of king Aethelred of Mercia, and daughter of king Oswy of Northumbria) (St.) Osthryth (b. ?) (murdered by nobles).

698 - The Emperor Tiberius III Apsimar Year?

Emperor Tiberius III Apsimar (-706) Echternach Gospels, 698 Lindisfarne Gospels, 698

698 A plague breaks out in Constantinople, spreading W and reaching Spain by 701, forcing Egica and his son Wittiza out of their capital of Toledo. Famine, plague and rumors of cannibalism rock Ireland from Adam to Cain for the next three years (until 700). Emperor (since 695) Leontius sends a fleet under John the Patrician to recapture Carthage from the Abbasids, but after initial success they are defeated and retreat to Crete, and through fear of the emperor's anger they mutiny, murder John the Patrician, and proclaim German naval officer Apsimar (Aprismarus) from Pamphylia as the new emperor, then siege Constantinople, which is suffering from a plague, and get lucky when the Greens back him, along with imperial officers, who open the gates, allowing his troops to pillage the city, and defeat and capture emperor (since 695) Leontinus, then slit his nose; Apsimar takes the name Tiberius (Tiberios) III Apsimar (-706), becoming Roman Byzantine emperor #117 (until Aug. 21, 705), appointing his brother Heraclius as strategos, who gives up on Africa but goes after the Umayyads to the E. An invasion by Northumbria to reestablish overlordship of Pictland is stopped by Bridei Mac Derile; Dux Behtred is KIA. Bishop Willibrord of Utrecht discovers the island of Heligoland. A former Koguryo gen. begins reconquering the Koguryo territories in Manchuria (ends 713). Empress Wu begins persecuting Chinese Christians (until 705). Architecture: The Monastery of St. Peter's in Salzburg, Austria is founded by St. Rupert. Nonfiction: The illuminated Lindisfarne Gospels begin to be written in Lindisfarne, Northumbria; on Eadfrith's death in 721 they are left incomplete. The Echternach (Willibrord) Gospels are written for the new Abbey of Echternach, founded by St. Willibrord. Births: Chinese poet-painter Wang Wei (d. 759). Deaths: Frankish king (of Neustria) Theodoric III.

699 - Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Alcatraz, or, Ah, you're burning my shirt? Another banner year for Millennium Fever?

699 A cattle plague begins in Britain, spreading to Ireland by next year, adding to their woes of famine. Enno Ozunu (d. 707), the sorcerer and founder of Shugendo (venerated by the Ninja) is banished to the Izu Province of Japan. Births: Sunni Muslim jurist Abu Hanifah (Hanifah) (Nu'man ibn Thabit ibn Zuta ibn Marzuban) (d. 767) on Sept. 5 in Kufa, Iraq; founder of the Hanafi Law School, one of four major Sunni legal schools, which later becomes the official Ottoman school. Deaths: English abbess of Ely (679-99) St. Sexburga (b. ?) in Ely; sister of St. Etheldreda (630-79); feast day: July 6. Northumbrian queen St. Audrey (b. 636) on June 23 in Ely, Cambridgeshire; dies from a throat tumor after giving up her stylish necklaces, which are put up for sale, after which her admirers purchase modest lace goods at an annual fair in Ely, which by the 17th cent. is considered er, tawdry by the Puritans, causing the word "tawdry" to be coined in the late 17th cent.

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