Cato the Younger (-95 to -46) Gnaeus Pompey the Great (-106 to -48) Julius Caesar (-100 to -44) Marcus Junius Brutus (-85 to -42) Marc Antony (-83 to -30) Cleopatra VII of Egypt (-69 to -30) Augustus (-63 to 14) Augustus of Prima Porta, -20 Herod the Great (-73 to -4)

T.L. Winslow's 1st Century B.C.E. Historyscope 100-1 B.C.E.

© Copyright by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.

-100 -90 -80 -70 -60 -50 -40 -30 -20 -10

The First (1st) Century B.C.E. (-100 to -1)

The Grandeur That Was Rome Century? The last century when there are any independent Greek republics? By the end the Romans rule the Western roost with a civilization that has so many Neanderthal features that the Christian Romantics all end up pining for a great musical memory? There is no such thing as public press or public education, so naturally voting goes out with the arrival of heroic dictators who know it all, are always right, suck at every sport they try, and quake when a dish is dropped, evolving quick into the Original Godfather: Part I?

The century begins with the birth of the man of the century, complete with a Caesarian Section?

Roman Gen. Quintus Caecilius Metellus Pius (-130 to -63) Mithridates VI the Great of Pontus (-135 to -63) 'The Borghese Gladiator' by Agasias of Ephesus, -100 Venus de Milo, -100 Great Stupa Detail Great Stupa Coligny Calendar

-100 The 170th Olympiad. Chinese Year: Monkey. Roman consuls: Lucius Valerius Flaccus and Gaius Marius (6th time). On Dec. 10 Lucius Appuleius Saturninus is elected tribune after his rival senator Gaius Memmius is beaten to death during a riot by the agents of pro-pleb anti-aristocrat praetor Gaius Servilius Glaucia and/or Saturninus' agents during the voting, after which he and Saturninus commit suicide; Quintus Caecilius Metellus Numidicus is banished from Rome by a conspiracy led by Saturninus and Gaius Marius, causing his son Quintus Caecilius Metellus Pius (-130 to -63) to begin a campaign to get him recalled in -98 by plebeian tribune Quintus Calidius, earning him the cognomen Pius. Mithridates (Mithradates) VI Eupator Megas (the Great) Eupator Dionysius (-135 to -63) of Pontus, having forced the Scythians to accept him as their overlord turns to Anatolia (Asia Minor), negotiating with Nicomedes III of Bithynia to partition Paphlagonia and Galatia; too bad, the pesky Romans are also moving in, and Nicomedes soon sells Mithridates out, causing them to begin a war over control of Cappadocia. In this cent. Ephesus becomes the world capital of the slave trade (till 100 C.E.). In this cent. the Germanic Suevi (Suebi) (Suavi) (Suevians) tribe occupies the region E of the Rhine River, incl. all of C Germany W of the Oder River to the Danube River, incl. the region of Brandenburg. About this time the Indo-European Yuezhi (Yuechi) (Rouzhi) people of C Asia cross the Oxus River, break Bactrian Greek power and contract them to the Hindu Kush and the upper Indus and Swat valleys in W India, where the Sakas (Scythians) and Scytho-Parthians, heretofore retreating from them make mincemeat of them, causing them to veer S, finally settling in NW India by -40, becoming the Kushanas, reaching their peak in the 3rd cent C.E. About this time the first Chinese ships reach the E coast of India. About this time the Irish Dark Age begins (ends 300 C.E.), a period of economic and cultural stagnation, partly caused by a mass export of slaves to Roman Britain? In this cent. Black Pig's Dyke is built by the Ulaid and Cruithin along the S border of SW Ulster and NE Connacht in Ireland. In this cent. the town of Budapest (modern-day pop. 1.8M) is built on the Gellert Hill in Pannonia (Hungary); they call it Ak Ink ("spring rich in water"). In this cent. the city of Tiahuanaco, 2.5 mi. above sea level in Bolivia on the Peruvian border flourishes (until 1000 C.E.). Until the time of the Caesars, all Romans are vegetarians, but later they go for dormice and oysters? - meatless pasta? By this cent. the ability to read ancient cuneiform is lost (until the 19th cent. C.E.). In this cent. Roman playwright Lucius Afranius flourishes, writing 20-30 comedies. In this cent. Jewish Pharisee sages Abtalion (Avtalyon) and Shmaya (Shemaia) (Shemaiah) flourish in Jerusalem; Jewish converts of Gentile descent, descendants of King Sennacherib of Assyria; students of Pharisee sage Simeon (Shimon) ben Shetach (Shatach) (d. -40); known as a zuggot (couple). In this cent. Decimus Laberius (-105 to -43) and Publius Syrus become the most famous Roman writers of mimes with flute accompaniments, the most popular form of Roman dramatic entertainment - read my lips, no new taxes? About this time Greek writer Timachidas of Rhodes flourishes, leaving a work titled "Deipna" (Dinners). In this decade Apicius thrives in Rome, becoming known for his love of luxury incl. good food, going on to get modest-living Roman statesman Publius Rutilius Rufus (-158 to -77) (great-uncle of Julius Caesar) expelled to Smyrna in 92; his name comes to mean gourmand or gourmet, esp. after his namesake Marcus Gavius Apicius (1st cent. C.E.) makes a name for himself, after which the name is used for cookbook titles for cents., incl. Apicius (5th cent. C.E.). In this cent. the Celts begin using the huge, smart, mean Irish Wolfhound as war dogs, for wild boar and wolf hunting, and dog fighting; they almost die out by the middle of the 19th cent. C.E. and are restored in a gentler version. About this time the Romans begin cultivating the apricot, originally found in China. In the time of Caesar the German father of the gods Woden (Oden) (Wodan) allegedly lives near the Sea of Azov, where he builds Asgard, the Garden of the Gods, then conquers N Europe, wanders the Earth seeking wisdom, selling an eye for a drink of the Well of Wisdom, and being scolded by Loki and ignored by Thor, going on to invent letters, teaching humans writing, poetry, arts, and law, and finally calling an assembly of Swedes and Goths and wounding himself in nine places so he could die and return to Asgard as a god; his son Baldur becomes the Norse Christ, enjoying an oath extracted by Frigga from all things that they won't injure him, causing weapons to bounce off, until mischievous Loki discovers that she neglected to extract an oath from mistletoe, and uses it to kill him, causing Baldur's wife Nep to die of a broken heart. Inventions: In this cent. Burmese women and men begin applying fragrant yellowish-white Thanaka paste (made from ground wood) to their skin for cosmetic, anti-sunburn and anti-fungal purposes - and as a shave cream? In this cent. the roller bearing is invented in Germany or France. By this cent. the Romans are using cement to construct buildings, incl. high-rise urban tenements, and vaulted and terraced sanctuaries, such as at Praeneste 23 mi. ESE of Rome. In this cent. (last cent.?) the Coligny Calendar, a 60 in. x 42 in. bronze plaque is made by the Celts in Gaul, displaying a lunar calendar where months begin with the full moon, off about 1.5 days every 30 years, compared to 0.25 days every 30 years for the Julian Calendar; days start at sunset, and each 15 nights is a Celtic week, either the bright week or the dark week; the new year starts on Nov. 1, when the Celts celebrate Samhain (Samain) (pr. SOW-in) (summer's end), burning bonfires after the harvest while wearing horrible masks to scare away the evil spirits of the dead, and getting off on burning thousands of men, women, and children alive in giant Wicker Man structures. Art: About this time Greek sculptor Agasias of Ephesus (son of Dositheus) sculpts the life-sized 78-in (199cm) Borghese Gladiator in Ephesus; found in 1610 in Anzio S of Rome in the ruins of a seaside palace of Emperor Nero on the site of ancient Antium. In this cent. the 6.7' (203 cm) statue of Venus de Milo on the Greek volcanic island of Milo (Melos) (most SW island of the Cyclades) is sculpted; discovered in 1820 C.E. In this cent. Buddhist cave temples are built in Dambulla in Ceylon (Sri Lanka), containing huge figures of Buddha. About this time the Great Stupa is built in Sanchi, India. Nonfiction: In this cent. the Septuagint (Lat. "seventy"), a Greek trans. of the Hebrew scriptures made by Hellenistic Jews in Alexandria (begun -275) is completed (by -50). About this time mysterious Greek writer Pseudo-Scymnus leaves the work Periodos to Nicomedes, a geography of the known world written in iambic trimeter and dedicated to a King Nicomedes of Bithynia. About this time the 8-vol. Charaka (Sansk. "wanderer") Samhita Sanskrit manual on Ayurveda medicine is written, stating that good medical practice requires a patient, physician, nurse, and medicines, with the physician's job being to "explore the dark interior of the body with the lamp of knowledge", requiring him to express joy and cheer towards those who can respond to treatment, masterfully avoid and save time in cases where the patient suffers from incurable disease, while being compassionate towards all; the nurse must be knowledgeable, skilled at preparing formulations and dosage, sympathetic towards everyone, and clean; the patient is responsible for being positive, have the ability to describe how he or she feels, and remember and respectfully follow the physician instructions. Births: Roman #1 gen.-dictator (epileptic) Gaius Julius (Gr. "child of Jove") Caesar (Lat. "hairy") (d. -44) on July 12/13 [Cancer]; first baby delivered by Caesarean Section; the name of the Roman month Quinctilis is changed in his honor; husband (-84 to -69) of Cornelia Minor (-97 to -69); father of Julia (-76 to -54). Roman equestrian plebeian statesman (gov. of Macedonia) Gaius Octavius (d. -59); husband of Atia Balba Caesonia (-85 to -43) (niece of Julius Caesar); father of Augustus (Octavian) (-63 to 14); a friend of the Jews. Roman gen. Titus Labienus (d. -45) (b. -99 or -98?). Judean gov. Antipater (Antipas) I the Idumean (Idumaean) (d. -43); husband of Cypros; father of Phasael, Herod I the Great (-73 to -4), Joseph, Pheroras, and Salome. Roman biographer Cornelius Nepos (d. -25) (b. -110?) in Hostilia (near Verona), Cisalpine Gaul.

-99 Roman consuls: Aulus Postumius Albinus and Marcus Antonius. Emperor Han Wu Di orders Li Ling to attack the Huns with only 5K soldiers; it must not have been enough, since he is badly defeated? Births: Roman Epicurean poet-philosopher Titus (Lat. "defender") Lucretius Carus (Lat. "beloved") (d. -55).

-98 On Apr. 9 emperor (since -158) Kaika (b. -208) dies at age 111 after a reign of 59 years, and Sujin (-148 to -30) becomes Japanese Yamato emperor #10 (until -30) - are all these longevity champ emperors like Rosemary's Baby? Evenus (Eugenius) I (d. -79) becomes king of the Picts (Scotland). Roman consuls: Quintus Caecilius Metellus Nepos and Titus Didius. Deaths: Japanese Yamato emperor #9 (-158 to -98) Kaika (b. -208) on Apr. 9; dies at age 111 after a reign of 59 years.

-97 Roman consuls: Gnaeus Cornelius Lentulus and Publius Licinus Crassus.

Seleucus VI Epiphanes Nicator of Syria (d. -95) Tigranes II the Great of Armenia (-140 to -55)

-96 Roman consuls: Gaius Cassius Longinus and Gnaeus Domitius Ahenobarbus. The 171st Olympiad. Antiochus VIII Grypus is murdered by his favorite Heracleon, and his claims are inherited by his son Seleucus VI Epiphanes Nicator (Gr. "god manifest conqueror") (d. -95), who becomes Seleucid king of Syria (until -95). Tigranes II the Great (-140 to -55) becomes king of Armenia (strategic high road between Parthia and Syria), and in -83 to -78 founds the S capital city of Tigranocerta (Tigranakert), populating it with colonists forceably relocated from Cappadocia, becoming the strongest state E of Rome. Ptolemy VIII Physcon's son Apion leaves Cyrene to Rome in his will, but it takes until -75 to annex it. Obodas I (d. -87) becomes king of the Nabataeans (until -87). Mithdridates VI the Great of Pontus defeats Ariarathes VIII and exiles him, then restores his son Ariarathes IX to the throne of Cappadocia, and sends an embassy to Rome to get him recognized, lying that he is really a son of Ariarathes VI and Laodice; too bad, the Romans don't buy it.

The Seleucid Dynasty seleucids itself out?

Lucius Licinius Crassus (-140 to -91) Quintus Mucius Scaevola Pontifex (-140 to -82) Antiochus X Eusebes Philopator (d. -93) Antiochus XI Epiphanes Philadelphus (d. -95) Demetrius III Eucaerus Philopator (d. -88) Philip I Philadelphus Gotarzes I of Parthia (d. -87) Ariobarzanes I Philoromaios of Cappadocia

-95 Roman consuls: Lucius Licinius Crassus and Quintus Mucius Scaevola. New Roman consuls Lucius Licinius Crassus (-140 to -91) and Quintus Mucius Scaevola Pontifex (-140 to -82) obtain passage of the Lex Licinia Mucia, removing certain groups from the citizen rolls and banishing them for obtaining Roman citizenship "illegally", aggravating anti-Roman sentiment among its allies, leading to the Social War in -90. Seleucus VI defeats Antiochus IX near Antioch, and the latter commits suicide; Antiochus IX's son Antiochus X Eusebes Philopater ("pious father loving") (d. -93) defeats Seleucus VI, who flees to Cilicia and dies; Seleucus VI's brother (4th son of Antiochus VIII) Demetrius III Eucaerus (Gr. "well-timed") Philopator (d. -88) seizes Damascus; Antiochus VIII's sons Philip I Philadelphus and Antiochus XI Epiphanes Philadelphus continue the war, but Antiochus XI dies in the Orontes River, and Philip I continues the war with Antiochus X. The Romans grant liberty to the Cappadocians and authorize them to depose Ariarathes IX, but Mithridates VI the Great of Pontus fights back and takes over, then is thrown out and Ariarathes VIII restored; the Romans then offer them the chance to become a republic, but they turn it down, and after allowing to choose their own king pick Ariobarzanes I Philoromaios ("lover of Rome") (until -62). Gotarzes I (d. -87) assumes power over parts of Parthia in opposition to Mithradates II. Civil war rocks Judea (until -87), with the rebels supported by Seleucid king Demetrius III Eucareus attempting to overthrow Hasmonean king of Judah (since -103) Alexander Jannaeus; Nabataean king (-96 to -85) Obodas I (d. -85) defeats the Hasmoneans under Alexander Jannaeus at the Battle of the Golan Heights, then ambushes them E of the Sea of Galilee using camel cavalry, getting even for their loss of Gaza and forcing Moab and Gilead E of the Dead Sea to be returned. Births: Egyptian queen Cleopatra V Tryphaena (d. -57); wife of Ptolemy XII. Roman incorruptible statesman and Stoic philosopher Marcus Porcius Cato (Lat. "all-knowing") Uticensis the Younger (d. -46) in Rome; great-grandson of Cato the Elder (-234 to -149).

-94 Nicomedes III dies, and his son Nicomedes IV Philopator becomes king #9 (last) of Bithynia (until -74). 47-y.-o. Tigranes II the Great marries 16-y.-o. Cleopatra (Gr. "father's glory") of Pontus (-110 to -57), daughter of Mithridates VI of Pontus, cementing a Hellenic alliance between Armenia and Pontus, with an agreement for Tigranes to extend his empire to the E while Mithridates VI goes W (Anatolia and Europe). Roman consuls: Gaius Coelius Caldus and Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus. Births: Chinese Western Han emperor (-87 to -74)Zhao Han Di (d. -74).

-93 Antiochus X is KIA while fighting the Parthians in Commagene, leaving Demetrius III Eucaerus and Philip I to fight for control of Syria. Civil war rocks Judea (until -87), with the rebels supported by Seleucid king Demetrius III Eucareus attempting to overthrow Hasmonean king of Judah (since -103) Alexander Jannaeus; Nabataean king (-96 to -87) Obodas I (d. -85) defeats the Hasmoneans under Alexander Jannaeus at the Battle of the Golan Heights, then ambushes Alexander Jannaeus E of the Sea of Galilee Roman consuls: Gaius Valerius Flaccus and Marcus Herennius. Births: Roman politician Publius Clodius Pulcher (d. -52) in Dec.; changes the spelling from Claudius to be more cool with the plebs, who he has adopt him.

-92 The 172nd Olympiad. Roman consuls: Gaius Claudius Pulcher and Marcus Perperna. The Romans aid Nicomedes III of Bithynia in defeating Mithridates VI of Pontus in Cappadocia again. Births: Roman Caesar assassin Gaius Trebonius (d. -43).

-91 Plebeian tribune Marcus Livius Drusus Junior (son of Marcus Livius Drusus Elder) proposes a comprehensive reform program incl. a grain and colony bill, mixed senatorial-equestrian juries, and Roman citizenship for Roman allies; too bad, he is murdered, his laws voided, and next year the allies, led by the Marsi begin the Roman Social War (Marsic War) (War of the Allies) (Italian War) (ends -88), forming their own Repub. of Italia, which declares war on Rome, even though Latin, Etruscan, and Umbrian communities remain loyal. UFOs in the form of golden orbs are seen in Spoletium in Umbria, Italy. Roman consuls: Sextus Julius Caesar and Lucius Marcius Philippus. Births: Chinese Han emperor (-74 to -49) Xuan (Xuandi) (Chin. "responsible") (Bingyi Liu) (d. -49); great-grandson of emperor Wu (-156 to -87). Deaths: Roman senator Quintus Caecilius Metellus Numidicus (b. -160) in Rome; dies after his son Quintus Caecillius Metellius Pius gets him returned from exile in -99, gaining the cognomen Pius for it. Roman orator Lucius Licinius Crassus (b. -140).

Orodes I of Parthia (d. -77) Obodas I of Nabataea (d. -87) Posidonius (-135 to -51) Machaerus, -90

-90 Roman consuls: Lucius Julius Caesar and Publius Rutilius Lupus. Gaius Marius is driven out of Rome by Sulla. Socrates the Good (Chrestus), brother of Nicomedes IV of Bithynia allies with Mithridates VI the Great of Pontus and kicks his bro's butt, causing him to flee to Rome, after which the Romans intervene and restore him. Lucius Julius Caesar secures passage of the Lex Iulia (Julia), which grants citizenship to all Roman allies in Italy who have not joined the revolt, as well as to those who lay down their arms; they are enrolled in only eight tribes to reduce their voting power; the pop. of the summer resort town of Tivoli (18 mi. NE of Rome) acquires Roman citizenship. Orodes I (d. -77), son of Mithridates II expels Gotarzes I and reunites the Parthian Empire. Alexander Jannaeus builds the hilltop fortress of Machaerus at Mukawir, 15 mi. SE of the mouth of the Jordan River E of the Dead Sea (known as the place where Salome danced and demanded John the Baptist's head on a platter). The original National Greekographic? Greek Stoic polymath philosopher-historian Posidonius "the Athlete" of Apamea (Rhodes) (-135 to -51) sets out on a mission to visit the "wild" Celts of the forests and mountains of W Europe, producing his History of the Wild Celts (later lost), which becomes a Roman bestseller; he says that the Celts are sophisticated people who perform highly ritualized human sacrifice, compose beautiful poetry, and give their Celtic women greater freedom than even the Romans (incl. the right to be a warrior), and falsely claims that they are cannibals; Caesar reads it and now knows what his life work will be, namely, to kill or enslave them all and steal everything they've got to make himself a millionaire and big man who's spread civilization to the less fortunate?; once nice thing, the Celts have no written language, so the survivors won't later stink Rome up with bestselling exposes? Births: Roman consul Aulus Hirtius (d. -43). Greek historian Diodorus Siculus (of Sicily) (d. -21) in Agyrium, Sicily.

-89 The Roman army led by Sulla regains control of Italy; Strabo and Sulla celebrate triumphs abroad in Rome; the war drags on until next year, with 50K KIA on each side and Italy devastated. All free inhabitants of Italy become Roman citizens; Verona becomes a Roman colony, and a municipium in -49; the Venice-like Etruscan marshy lagoon city of Ravenna is accepted as a federated town. Roman consuls: Gnaeius Pompeius Strabo and Lucius Porcius Cato. Births: Roman patrician and triumvir (last pontifex maximus of the Roman Repub. )Marcus Aemilius Lepidus Junior (d. -13); son of Marcus Aemilius Lepidus Senior (-120 to -77); brother of Lucius Aemilius Lepidus Paullus.

Antiochus XII Dionysus of Syria (d. -84) Roman Gen. Lucius Cornelius Sulla (-138 to -78) Cleopatra Berenice III of Egypt (-120 to -80)

-88 The 173rd Olympiad. The Roman Social War (begun -90) ends. Demetrius III Eucerus is captured and killed by the Parthians, leaving Philip I as sole ruler of Syria, but Antiochus XII Dionysus (d. -84), a son of Antiochus VIII claims the throne of Syria and seizes Damascus; Mithradates II the Great of Parthia dies after defeating the Scythians along with Artavasdes, king of Armenia Major and stabilizing the kingdom's E boundaries; too bad, Tigranes II the Great of Armenia sees his chance, invading Parthia and devastating Nineveh (Ninus) and Arbela. After Rome puts him up to it, Nicomedes IV of Bithynia raids the territory of Mithridates VI the Great of Pontus, and gets his butt kicked, causing him to flee to Rome again, after which Mithridates VI signs a decree at Ephesus ordering all Romans in Asia put to death, causing 80K-100K to be massacred, launching the First Mithridatic War (ends -85); Pergamum joins the revolt against Rome, causing Marc Antony to later (-40) give its beloved library to rival Alexandria; Lucius Cornelius Sulla Felix (-138 to -78) becomes consul of Rome and is placed in command of the war against Mithridates VI; when Marius aces him out of the job with the help of Roman tribune Sulpicius Rufus, Sulla marches on and seizes Rome, kills Sulpicius and exiles Marius to Africa, beginning the "royal rule of Sulla"; he then marches on Greece after Athens rises against Roman rule, and Epicurean philosopher Aristion (Athenion?) (d. -86) is elected ruler of Athens (until -86). The people of Alexandria expel Ptolemy IX Alexander I for having too close ties with the Jews, and restore his exiled brother Ptolemy IX Soter II Lathyrus (d. -81), who in Oct. defeats Ptolemy X Alexander and becomes the 10th king of Egypt's 32nd (Ptolemaic) Dynasty (until -80); Ptolemy IX then marries his daughter Cleopatra Berenice III (-120 to -80) to legitimize his rule, and in Dec. he defeats and kills Gen. Chaereas. The E Iranian nomadic Sakas (Shakas) (displaced Scythians) come through the Bolan Pass and occupy the entire Indus River region as far E as Mathura, led by Zeus-worshiping Saka king Maues (Moga) (d. -60), who grants tolerance to Buddhism and Hinduism; he goes on to conquer Indus River cities incl. Taxila in Punjab and the Gandharas capital Pushkalavati; his queen is Machene. Roman consuls: Lucius Cornelius Sulla and Quintius Pompeius Rufus. Deaths: Roman politician Quintus Mucius Scaevola Augur (b. -159).

Roman Gen. Lucius Cornelius Cinna (d. -84) Aretas III of the Nabataeans (d. -62)

-87 Roman consuls: Lucius Cornelius Cinna and Gnaeus Octavius. On Mar. 29 emperor (since Mar. 9, 141) Han Wu Di (b. -156) dies, and Han Zhao Di (-94 to -74) becomes Xi Han emperor #8 of China. On Aug. 6 Chinese astronomers record seeing Halley's Comet; Tigranes II the Great of Armenia puts a symbol on his crown featuring a star with a curved tail, indicating that he saw it too? Lucius Cornelius Cinna (d. -84) becomes consul, but his pushing of the Sulpicinian voting rights measure results in riots, followed by expulsion from Rome; he asks Marius for aid, and the latter lands in Etruria, raises an army, sacks Ostia and captures Rome; Sulla's supporters are executed. Roman gen. Lucius Cornelius Sulla forces Mithridates VI out of Greece and recovers most of it, sieging Athens and Piraeus in the fall (until Mar. 1, -86); Sulla supporter Quintus Lutatius Catulus commits suicide after being persecuted by Marius' supporters; Athinias becomes the 61st and last elected ruler of the republic of once great but doomed Athens, which is in anarchy. After winning a 6-year civil war against Seleucid king Demetrius III Eucaerus, Hasmonean ruler Alexander Jannaeus crucifies 800 mostly Pharisee Jewish rebels in Jerusalem after having their wives and children executed in front of them while he dines with his concubines. Obodas I dies, and his brother Aretas III (d. -62) becomes king of the Nabataeans. Births: Roman poet Gaius Valerius Catullus (d. -54). Deaths: Roman dramatist Lucius Accius (b. -170). Chinese emperor (-141 to -87) Han Wu Di (b. -156) on Mar. 29 in Chang'an. Roman orator Marcus Antonius (b. -140). Nabataean king (-96 to -87) Obodas I (b. ?); buried in the Negev in a placed named Avdat in his honor; his big Vs over the Hasmoneans and Greeks cause his people to start worshiping him as a god.

Sima Qian (-145 to -85)

-86 The Roman census gives the pop. of the Roman Empire as 463K. In Jan. after Marius and Cinna are elected consuls for Rome, Marius goes mad, begins a massacre, and dies suddenly, and is replaced by Lucius Valerius Flaccus. On Mar. 1 after Aristion burns the Odeum so that they can't use its timber for storming the Acropolis, the Romans under Sulla capture and sack Athens, kill Aristion, and destroy most of the buildings and fortifications, stealing anything they can get their hands on, leaving Greece in ruins; one good thing, Sulla turns onto the Greek tripartite cult of Isis, Horus, and Osirus (Serapis), and introduces it into Rome, where it catches on and becomes one of the most popular cults, although later consuls are forced to curb its licentious priestly rites - a big black lady stops the show? A Roman embassy returns impressed with Egypt's apparent wealth. The Seleucids under Antiochus XII Dionysus invade Nabataea. Births: Roman Gen. Gaius (Caius) Cassius Longinus (d. -42) on Oct. 3; brother-in-law of Marcus Junius Brutus. Roman historian-politician Sallust (Gaius Sallustius Crispus) (d. -35) in Amiternum. Deaths: Roman gen. Marius (b. -157) in Jan. Chinese Han Dynasty eunuch historian Sima Qian (b. -145); dies after being castrated in -99 for urging the emperor to go light on defeated Gen. Li Ling, becoming the 2nd person to write Chinese history, leaving Records of the Grand Historian (Chin. "Shiji" = Scribe's Records) (130 vols.) (526K Chinese chars.), the first universal history of China, covering 2.5K years from the Yellow Emperor to Han Emperor Wu, presented as a series of bios., which were started by his royal astrologer (-140 to -110) father Sima Tan (Ssu-ma T'an) (-165 to -110).

Gnaeus Papirius Carbo (-130 to -82)

-85 Roman consuls: Cinna and Gnaeus Papirius Carbo (-130 to -82) (Marius' #1 general). The Romans sack Thebes. The First Mithridatic War (begun -88) ends with Mithridates VI suing for peace and being allowed to remain king of Pontus as a Roman vassal after paying a heavy fine; brain man Lucius Cornelius Alexander Polyhistor (of Miletus) (-105 to -35) is captured by Sulla during the war and brought back to Rome to become his children's tutor, going on to become the TLW of the 1st cent. B.C.E., living like a hermit and churning out a giant Historyscope in his house in Laurentum, working hard and seldom leaving it until it finally burns down, taking him with it, along with his work - what's bothering me, what's bothering me, what's bothering me? Inventions: A seed-planting machine is invented in China - by Je-to-tul? Births: Numidian king (-60 to -46) Juba I (d. -46); son of Hiempsal II; father of Juba II (-52 to 23). Roman politician-gen. (Caesar assassin) Decimus Junius Brutus Albinus (d. -43) on Apr. 27 (b. -81?); son of Decimus Junius Brutus and Sempronia Tuditani; distant cousin (son?) of his prey Julius Caesar; adopted by Aulus Postumius Albinus; called Decius in Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar". Roman aristocratic senator "Et tu, Brute" (Caesar assassin) Marcus Junius (Quintus Servilius Caepio) Brutus (d. -42) in Rome; Cato's nephew and son-in-law; distant cousin (son?) of Julius Caesar. Roman breed mare Atia Balba Caesonia (d. -43); niece of Julius Caesar (daughter of his sister Julia Caesaris); wife of Gaius Octavius (-100 to -59); mother of Augustus (Octavian) (-63 to 14) and Octavia Minor (-69 to 11) - atta baby, make me a Caesar son? Roman gen. Tiberius Claudius Nero (d. -33); son of Drusus Claudius Nero I (b. -105); descendant of Appius Claudius Caecus (-340 to -273); husband of Livia Drusilla (-58 to -29); father of Tiberius (-42 to 37) and Nero Claudius Drusus (-38 to -9); grandfather of Germanicus (-16 to 19), Julius Caesar Drusis (-13 to 23), Livia Julua (-13 to 31), and Claudius; great-grandfather of Caligula (12-41); great-great-grandfather of Nero (15-68). Deaths: Chinese sage Ssuma Ch'ien (b. -145); leaves the Shih Chi (Historical Record) - raw history?

Once-proud Syria becomes a bean bag?

-84 The 174th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Lucius Cornelius Cinna and Gnaeus Papirius Carbo. Sulla recaptures Ephesus and slaughters all the leaders of the rebellion; Cinna is KIA in a mutiny. Nicomedes IV is restored to the throne of Bithynia, and Rome increases its control. The Battle of Canada S of the Dead Sea is a V for the Nabataeans under Aretas III; Antiochus XII Dionysus is KIA, and his army flees and dies of starvation in the desert; the Nabataeans go on to conquer Damascus. Julius Caesar marries Cornelia (Lat. "like a horn") Minor (-97 to -69), daughter of his uncle Gaius Marius' partner Lucius Cornelius Cinna, making him a member of the Populares (popular party).

The Fame, Or My Clothes Don't Fit Anymore Year?

Roman Gen. Pompey the Great (-106 to -48)

-83 Roman consuls: Lucius Cornelius Scipio Asiaticus and Gaius Norbanus. After an insurrection expels Philip I from Antioch, Tigranes II the Great of Armenia is invited to take the throne of Syria (until -69), conquering Phoenicia and Cilicia, ending the Seleucid Empire (begun -323); Tigranes II the ahem, Great now rules an empire stretching from the Caspian Sea to the Mediterranean Sea, bordered by the Kingdom of Pontus on the N and the Parthian Empire on the S, and takes the title of king of kings, never appearing in public without four kings attending him, and causing Cicero to utter the soundbyte: "He made the Republic of Rome tremble before the prowess of his arms"; his S border reaches to Ptolemais (Akko), and his NW border to the Pontic Alps in NE Asia Minor; he becomes the first Armenia ruler to mint coins, with Big KOK wearing an Armenian tiara with ear flaps, and Tyche (Fortuna) of Antioch on the reverse, with river god Orontes at her feet. Speaking of great? Handsome Roman gen. Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus (Pompey the Great) (-106 to -48) (who supposedly resembles the statues of Alexander the Great) campaigns successfully in Africa, then demands a triumph, but old Sulla balks until Pompey threatens to go to the people and the army, commenting "More people kneel to the rising sun than to the setting Sun", causing Sulla to relent; Pompey tries to enter Rome with a chariot drawn by a pair of elephants, but has to switch to the usual four horses when they can't squeeze through the city gates; he chooses his own title of Pompey the Great, after Alexander the Great, causing rival Marcus Licinius Crassus to ask, "Great compared to what?" The Temple of Jupiter on the Capitoline Hill in Rome is destroyed by fire. Births: Roman military leader and gonad slave Marc (Mark) Antony (Marcus Antonius) (Lat. "invaluable") (d. -30) on Jan. 14 in Rome.

Roman Gen. Lucus Valerius Flaccus (d. -85) Marcus Licinius Crassus (-115 to -53) Roman Gen. Quintus Sertorius (d. -72)

-82 Roman consuls: Gnaeus Papirius Carbo and Gaius Marius. Sulla having been declared enemy of the people in Rome, suffect consuul Lucius Valerius Flaccus (d. -85) (serving out the term of Gaius Marius) is sent to replace him, but is killed by his lieutenant, and Sulla begins a march on Rome from Brundisium; Sulla's opponents in Sicily are defeated by Pompey; the V at the Battle of the Colline Gate on Nov. 1 and the fall of Praeneste end the internal war, with Sulla victorious over the younger Marius; Marcus Licinius Crassus (-115 to -53) commands the left wing of Sulla's army at the Colline Gate; as an enemy of his uncle Gaius Marius, Sulla orders Julius Caesar to divorce Cornelia, but he refuses and leaves Rome. Roman gen. Quintus Sertorius (-123 to -72), leader of the Marians ("the new Hannibal") begins a revolt in Spain (ends -72), and establishes a Roman-style senate of 300 members, becoming popular with the natives, who present him with a white fawn, which allegedly gives him advice straight from goddess Diana. The Getae and Dacians form a large state between the middle Danube River and the Bug River from the Black Sea to the Pannonian Plains under new king Burebista (d. -44) of the Gaetae. Architecture: The oldest extant amphitheater at Pompeii is built. Births: Gallic Celtic chieftain Vercingetorix (d. -46). Deaths: Roman jurist Quintus Mucius Scaevola Pontifex (b. -140); assassinated in the Temple of the Vestal Virgins, becoming the first Roman pontifex maximus to be publicly murdered; leaves 80 vols. of Roman civil law codes organized by Greek logical categories.

-81 Sulla is appointed Roman dictator for life, and chooses the name Felix, meaning lucky; he then begins enacting constitutional reforms - get in the zone, Auto Zone? In Dec. Ptolemy X Alexander dies, and his daughter-wife Cleopatra Berenice III (-120 to -80) (daughter of Ptolemy IX Lathyrus and Cleopatra Selene I) becomes king #11 of Egypt's 32nd (Ptolemaic) Dynasty (until -80); Ptolemy IX reclaims the throne, but dies at the end of the year, and she goes on to rule for 6 mo., becoming popular with the people. Roman consuls: Gnaeus Cornelius Dolabella and Marcus Tullus Decula.

Ptolemy XI Alexander of Egypt (d. -80) Ptolemy XII Auletes of Egypt (-117 to -51)

-80 The 175th Olympiad. Roman gen. Sulla appoints Ptolemy XI Alexander II (d. -80) as king #12 of Egypt's 32nd (Ptolemaic) Dynasty, and his older stepmother Cleopatra Berenice II is forced to marry him, but 19 days later he murders her, causing an angry Alexandrian mob to lynch him, and Ptolemy IX's llegitimate son (by an Alexandrian Greek concubine) Ptolemy XII Neos Dionysos Theos Philopator Auletes (Gr. "flute player") Nothos (Gr. "bastard") (-117 to -51) becomes king #13 of Egypt's 32nd (Ptolemaic) Dynasty (until -58), marrying his sister Tryphaena, who becomes Cleopatra V Tryphaena (-95 to -57). Sulla conquers the Oscan-Samnite town of Pompeii; he also plunders Faesulae (Fiesole) and establishes a military colony there. Julius Caesar becomes an ambassador to the court of Nicomedes IV of Bithynia, allegedly becoming lovers, causing Caesar to become known as the "queen of Bithynia", which is later used to slam him. Roman gen. Quintus Sertorius begins the Sertorian War (ends -72) against dictator Sulla, and (in -57?) captures Ebora (Evora) (√Čvora) (Gael. "of the yew trees") (AKA Liberalitas Julia) (modern-day pop. 56K) in Portugal 68 mi. SE of Lisbon, where a Roman aqueduct and temple of Diana are later built, organizing the tribes of Hispania and Lusitania to form an independent province and launch guerrilla war; Julius Caesar later renames the 8th cent. B.C.E. settlement of Olissipo (Lisbon) (Phoenician "Alis-Ubo" = safe harbor) in the Tagus River estuary (modern-day pop. 545K/2.8M) (allegedly founded by Odysseus on his way home from Troy) to Felicitas Julia. About this time the town of Durocorteron (Durocortorum) ("round fortress") 80 mi. ENE of Paris is founded as the capital of the Gallic Remi tribe, who go on to ally with Julius Caesar in his conquest of Gaul in -58 to -51, receiving special favors, reaching a pop. of 30K-100K; it later becomes the city of Reims (Rheims) (modern-day pop. 187K). About this time the inscription SPQR (Senatus Populusque Romanus) (the Senate and People of Rome) begins appearing on Roman monuments. About this time the Anteclassical Age of Latin (begun -240) ends, and the Golden Age of Latin begins (ends 14), known for poets like Maro, Flaccusm, and Naso (Virgil, Horace, and Ovid). Roman consuls: Lucius Cornelius Sulla and Quintus Caecilius Metellus Pius.

The Marius-Sulla Period of Rome ends, and the Late Republic Period begins (ends -69)?

-79 Sulla (d. -78) resigns after his constitutional reforms are enacted - when else has a dictator just decided to quit? Evenus I is killed by his bastard son Gillus (d. -77), who usurps the crown and becomes king of the Picts. Lucullus imports the first cherry trees from Asia Minor to Rome about this year. Roman consuls: Appius Claudius Pulcher and Publius Servilius Vatia.

-78 Roman consuls: Marcus Aemilius Lepidus Senior and Quintus Lutatius Catulus. Sulla (b. -138) dies, and Marcus Aemilius Lepidus Senior (-120 to -77) becomes consul with backing by Pompey, and works for the Populares, seeking to undo Sulla's reforms; he tries to prevent Sulla from being buried in the Campus Martius but Pompey overrides him; after consuls he gets in a catfight with co-consul Catulus, the Senate steps in and makes them swear not to fight, then sends Lepidus to become gov. of Cisalpine Gaul, where he raises an army, hoping to return with it; meanwhile he pardons those exiled by Sulla, tipping-off the Senate that he's trying to foment a civil war; meanwhile Julius Caesar returns to Rome. The German Marcomanni tribe (a Suevic people) occupies modern-day Bohemia. The custom of stretching canvas above a Roman theater is introduced. Deaths: Roman gen. Sulla (b. -138) in Puteoli, Campania (near the Solfatara sulfur field); dies of a fever while writing his memoirs.

Sinatruces of Parthia (-157 to -70)

-77 Orodes I dies, and former king (-93 to -87) Sinatruces (Sinatruk) (-157 to -70), brother of Mithradates II becomes the king #9 of Parthia, reestablishing the order of succession. Roman aristocrat Lucius Sergius Catilina (AKA Catiline) (-108 to -62) becomes quaestor - launching a leaving on a jet plane don't know when I'll be back again oh baby I hate to go career? Marcus Aemilius Lepidus Senior is recalled from Cisaline Gaul, and does the expected, returning with an army, but he is defeated and killed by his optimate co-consul Quintus Lutatius Catulus with the help of Pompey the Great at the Campus Martius; Lepidus' partner, Marcus Junius Brutus (father of Caesar's murderer) remains in the fortified city of Mutina (modern-day Modena) in Italy, and Pompey marches to fight him, but the surrenders without a fight after being starved out, and Brutus Sr. flees to Regium Lepidi, where is killed by Pompey's man Geminus; Pompey then goes to Spain to quell the Marian revolt; meanwhile Roman gen. Marcus Perpenna Vento (d -72) brings a Roman army and a flock of Roman nobles to join Quintus Sertorius in Hispania, and when Pompey arrives, big man Sertorius calls him Sulla's schoolboy, and raises the city of Lauron (a Roman ally) in full view of Pompey's helpless army, then in -75 almost captures the sucker Pompey at the indecisive Battle of Sucro, then in -75 fights another indecisive battle against the united forces of Pompey and Metellus at the Battle of Saguntum in E Spain, causing Pompey to request reinforcements from Rome. Evenus II (d. -60) becomes king of the Picts (until -60). Julius Caesar leaves Rome again to go to Rhodes to study rhetoric under anti-Semitic Anatolian-born rhetoric king Apollonius Molon (Molo of Rhodes), teacher of glib Cicero (-106 to -43), whose motto is "Delivery, delivery, delivery" - that makes Caesar a Rhodes scholar? Roman consuls: Mamercus Aemilius Lepidus Livianus and Decimius Junius Brutus. Deaths: Roman statesman Publius Rutilius Rufus (b. -158) in Smyrna. Roman statesman-gen. Marcus Aemilius Lepidus (b. -120). Parthian king Orodes I.

Judea is ruled by a woman for the 2nd time?

Salome Alexandra of Judea (-139 to -67) Hyrcanus II of Judea (d. -30)

-76 The 176th Olympiad. Alexander Jannaeus (b. -126) dies, and is succeeded by his wife Salome (Shelamzion) Alexandra (-139 to -67), who designates her eldest son Hyrcanus II (d. -30) as high priest but rules as queen (2nd in Jewish history), and allies herself with the Pharisees (her hubby was a Sadducee), making her reign their high point. The Romans under Quinntus Sertorius destroy the Iberian town of Edeta N of modern-day Valencia, Spain on top of Sant Miquel hill, building a new city at the bottom of the hill, which becomes Lliria (Llíria). Roman consuls: Gnaeus Octavius and Gaius Scribonius Curio. Births: Roman orator-poet-historian Gaius Asinius Pollio (d. 5).

-75 Roman consuls: Gaius Aurelius Cotta and Lucius Octavius. Mithridates VI of Pontus takes advantage of the revolt in Hispania to invade Phrygia, and is stopped by the Romans. Julius Caesar is taken hostage by pirates on the Aegean Sea and held for ransom for more than 1 mo. Roman proconsul of Macedonia Gaius "Quintus" Scribonius Curio (-90 to -49) invades the Balkan Peninsula, going as far as the Danube River, driving out the Scordisci, Dardanians, Dacians, and other tribes, then returning without garrisoning the area. Vasudeva (d. -66), minister of last Shunga ruler (since -83) Devabhuti assassinates him, ending the Shunga Dynasty (begun -185) and founding the Kanva Dynasty (ends -30) after disguising a daughter of his slave woman as his queen to claim the throne, ruling from Magadha in E India while minting coins in Vidisha in C India; Vasudeva goes on to become a patron of the arts; he is succeeded by Bhumimitra (-66 to -52), Narayana (-52 to -40), and Susarman (-40 to -30). Births: Roman politician gen. Gnaeus Pompeius the Younger (d. -45); elder son of Pompey the Great (-106 to -48) and 3rd wife Mucia Tertia; brother of Sextius Popeius (-67 to -35). Chinese Han emperor (-48 to -33) Yuan (Yuandi) (Chin. "discerning") (Shi Liu) (d. -33). Roman prefect of Egypt Gaius (Publius) Petronius (d. -19).

-74 Roman consuls: Marcus Aurelius Cotta and Lucius Licinius Lucullus. Roman ally Nicomedes IV dies, bequeathing the kingdom of Bithynia in NW Asia Minor to Rome, and it becomes a Roman province, incl. Pamphylia, Lycia and the S part of wild Pisidia (SW Galatia N of the Taurus Mts.); the N part of Pisidia remains part of Galatia; the city of Antioch near the border between Pisidia and Phyriga comes live into the view. Mithridates VI of Pontus invades Phrygia again, and sieges the Roman-controlled town of Cyzicus, after which the Romans under Lucius Licinius Lucullus (-118 to -56) (known for his wealth and luxury and for commanding the Roman fleet) arrive and defeat him at the Siege (Battle) of Cyzicus; he then invades up-for-grabs Bithynia and defeats Murena, starting the Third Mithridatic War (ends -63); meanwhile Pontian troops under Eumachus invade Phrygia, and are driven out by Celtic Roman ally Deiotarus (Deiotaros) ("Divine Bull") Philoromaios ("lover of Rome") I (-105 to -40) of Galatia. Cyrene is annexed by Rome. The Basque tribes of Navarre on the S slopes of the W Pyrenees in Iberia (the easiest side to cross the Pyrenees into Gaul) are conquered by the Romans, becoming part of the Roman province of Hispania Citerior ("Nearer Spain"), later Tarraconensis and Caesaraugustanus. Han Zhao Di (b. -94) dies without an heir, and on July 18-Aug. 14 Prince Liu He of Changyi (d. -59) becomes Xi Han emperor #9 for 47 days before being deposed and labelled the Marquess of Haihun (Chin. "maritime incompetence") by minister Huo Guang (d. -68) for the good of the state (first deposition in Chinese history), and rags-to-riches commoner Xuan (-91 to -49), whose grandfather Liu Ju committed suicide after being accused of witchcraft in -91 becomes Xi Han emperor #10 of China (until -49), going on to lower taxes and open up the govt. and fill it with capable ministers. Deaths: Chinese Western Han emperor (-87 to -74) Han Zhao Di (b. -94).

Kirk Douglas bursts into history playing a Thracian slave who didn't like the cooking?

Kirk Douglas as Spartacus (d. -71)

-73 Roman Thracian slave Spartacus (-109 to -71) revolts from his Roman gladiatorial school owner Lentulus Batiatus in Capua near Mt. Vesuvius, and gathers a slave army of 70K men led by 70-80 gladiators in Campania to stomp noble Roman butt and steal from the rich to give to the poor, starting the Third Servile War (ends -71), while romancing non-frigid slave babe Varinia to Aram Khachaturian's stirring Adagio from Spartacus and Phrygia? Julius Caesar returns to Rome. Mithridates V the Great of Pontus is defeated again by the Romans under Lucius Lucullus at the Battle of the Rhyndacus River in NW Asia Minor, and he is made gov. of the Roman province of Cilicia, continuing the war for eight years while trying to keep his soldiers from rebelling from his harsh discipline. Roman consuls: Gaius Cassius Longinus and Marcus Terentius Varro Lucullus. Births: Judean king (-39 to -4) Herod I the Great (d. -4) in Idumea; 2nd son of Antipater I the Idumean and Cypros (a Nabatean); husband of Doris, Mariamne I, Mariamne II, Malthace, Cleopatra of Jerusalem; father of Antipater II, Prince Alexander, Prince Aristobulus IV, Princess Salampsio, Herod Philip I, Herod Antipas, Herod Archelaus, Olympias the Herodian, Prince Herod, and Herod Philip II.

Cato the Younger (-95 to -46)

-72 The 177th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Gnaeus Cornelius Lentulus Clodianus and Lucius Gellius Publicola. The slave revolt of Spartacus reaches its zenith, with his slave army reaching 120K men, and after two attempts to breach the Alps negotiating with Cilician pirates of coastal S Asia Minor N of Cyprus; Cato the Younger (-95 to -46) volunteers to fight in the Roman army against Spartacus to support his brother Ceapio, a tribune working for proconsul Lucius Gellius Poplicola (Lat. "friend of the people"), the cmdr. who has scored the biggest V against Spartacus so far. Roman rebel gen. Quintus Sertorius is assassinated at a banquet by jealous Roman officers led by Perpenna Vento, and the Marian revolt in Spain is quashed by Pompey and Metellus, ending the emerging independent Roman republic in Hispania. The Romans launch a retaliatory strike against the Getae (Getae) (Gets) (Goths?) across the Lower Danube River, but become "frightened by the darkness of the forests" and withdraw; the original Goths come from the 1.2K-sq.-mi. island (biggest in the Baltic) of Gotland (Gottland) (Gothland) 44 mi. off the SE coast of Sweden? The Suevi (Suebi) (Sueves) (Suevians) (Suavi), a tribe from Germany (Upper Saxony) between the Oder and Elbe Rivers (Lusace), known for their Sonnenwald (sacred wood of the Semnones), human sacrifices, topknots, and superior valor cross the Upper Rhine (Rhein) under King Ariovistus and invade Gaul (Gallia). A Roman army led by proconsul of Macedonia Marcus Terensius Varro Lucullus defeat the Bessi in Thrace, with Strabo later calling them the fiercest of the independent Thracian tribes dwelling on and around Mt. Haemus, "brigands among brigands" who are "addicted to plunder"; their capital is in Sinotova (near modern-day Pazardzhik, Bulgaria). Deaths: Roman statesman gen. Quintus Sertorius (b. -123) (assassinated at a banquet by Marcus Perpenna Vento while on the verge of establishing an independent Roman repub. in Hispania, after which Pompey and Metullus crush his army).

A Good, Good Year to be a Bird, or, The Excruciating I'm Spartacus Year?

Roman Gen. Marcus Licinius Crassus (-115 to -53) Spartacus (d. -71)

-71 Roman consuls: Publius Cornelius Lentulus Sura (d. -63) and Gnaeus Aufidius Orestes. After building a 40-mi.-long system of ditches and walls to fence them in, the Third Servile War (begun -73) is put down by six legions (32K men) Gen. Pompey the Great (Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus) and Sen. Laurence Olivier, er, Marcus Licinius Crassus (-115 to -53) ("Some people like oysters and some people like snails; I like both oysters and snails, how about you, handsome?") in S Italy near the headwaters of the Siler River; Spartacus slays his horse at the start of the battle, declaring that if he wins he will have many Roman horses to choose from, and if he loses he won't need one; Crassus' army crushes Spartacus' main force of 50K while losing only 1K+, and drives the 5K stragglers into Pompey's army; Spartacus is wounded in one leg and drops to his knees, fighting until he is KIA, after which is body is never found; 6K slaves are taken POW and crucified along the Appian Way from Capua to Rome - I'm Spartacus! I'm Spartacus? Everybody's Spartacus? Hmmm... His unjust death judges Rome itself, making him the first Christ? Births: Chinese empress (-48 to -33) Wang Zhengjun (Ziaoyuan) (d. 13) in Yuancheng (modern-day Handan), Heibi.

The well-fed birds of Italy now circle over Rome like vultures as the Roman Republic collapses?

Gaius Octavius (-100 to -59) Gaius Verres (-120 to -43) Phraates III of Parthia (d. -57)

-70 Roman consuls: Marcus Licinius Crassus and Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus. The Roman census gives the pop. of the Roman Empire as 910K. Pompey the Great and Marcus Licinius Crassus, heroes of the Servile War are elected as consuls, although Pompey takes all the credit and rides in a triumphal procession while Crassus watches (while his fire dept. hoses him down?); Gaius Octavius (-100 to -59) (father of Emperor Augustus) is elected questor; the Roman Repub. begins collapsing, and is superseded by military dictatorships, ending with emperor you know who by -30. Sinatruces dies, and his son Phraates III (d. -57) becomes king #10 of Parthia (until -57). Super-corrupt Roman gov. of Sicily (since -74) Gaius Verres (-120 to -43) returns to Rome, trying to buy his way out of it with his 40M sesterces until young Marcus Tullius Cicero (-106 to -43) successfully prosecutes him and gets him exiled to Massilia (Marseille), launching his career. Births: Roman gen. Publius Cornelius Dolabella (d. -43); husband of Tullia Ciceonis (-79 to -45) (daughter of Marcus Tullius Cicero). Roman poet ("the Roman Homer") Virgil (Vergil) (Publius Vergilius Maro) (d. -19) in Andes (suburb of Pietole near modern-day Mantua) in N Italy; educated in Cremona, Milan, Rome, and Naples; patronized by Gaius Clinius Maecenas (b. -70), spending most of his life in the Naples area; makes his villa tax-exempt by interring a fly complete with pallbearers and lengthy eulogies? Roman statesman (advisor to Augustus) Gaius Clinius Maecenas (d. -8) on Apr. 15; of Etruscan descent; patron of Horace and Virgil.

The Late Republic Period of Rome ends, and the topsy-turvy Julius Caesar Period begins (ends -44)?

Julius Caesar of Rome (-100 to -44) Cleopatra VII of Egypt (-69 to -30) Jean Harlow (1911-37) Marilyn Monroe (1926-62) Jayne Mansfield (1933-67) Anna Nicole Smith (1967-2007)

-69 Roman consuls: Quintus Caecilius Metellus Creticus and Quintus Hortensius Hortalus. Julius Caesar is elected quaestor for Spain; meanwhile his future sugar britches love babe Cleopatra VII is coming out of the chute, while Ptolemy XII deposes Cleopatra V and becomes sole ruler, bribing the Romans to keep Egypt from being annexed - I picked up all the garbage and checked off all the names? The Romans under Gen. Lucius Licinius Lucullus defeat Mithridates VI the Great of Pontus, whose outdated chariots prove ineffective, then chase him into vast Armenia to take him on along with his ally and son-in-law Tigranes II the Great, defeating them on Oct. 6 at the Battle of Tigranocerta (capital of Armenia) after Tigranes' non-Armenian guards open the gates to the Romans; Tigranes sends a rescue force of 6K cavalry to rescue his wives and treasure; Armenia comes under Roman influence; Pompey installs Antiochus XIII Asiaticus as king of Syria; the Parthians and Romans reestablish the Euphrates River as their border. Births: Egyptian Ptolemaic pharaoh (-51 to -30) (last) ("the Serpent of the Nile") (the Queen of Denial?) (redhead?) Cleopatra (Gr. "father's glory") Philopator ("love of country") VII (d. -30) (whose portrait bears a striking resemblance to actress Elizabeth Taylor's horse National Velvet?) in Jan. [Capricorn]; daughter of Cleopatra V (-95 to -69) and Ptolemy XII (-117 to -51); wife of Julius Caesar (-100 to -44); mother of Caesarion (-47 to -30); a direct incestuous descendant of Alexander the Great's gen. Ptolemy I Soter (-367 to -283), she is not Egyptian, but mainly Macedonian, with some Greek and Persian (Cleopatra not the horse)?, and has a prominent (Roman) nose; first member of her family to learn the Egyptian language and adopt Egyptian religious beliefs, with Isis as her patron goddess, finally claiming to be her incarnation; goes through the last three kings Ptolemy XIII (-51 to -47), Ptolemy XIV (-47 to -44), Ptolemy XV (-44 to -30); "For her beauty, as we are told, was in itself not altogether incomparable, nor such as to strike those who saw her", but no man could resist the "sweetness in the tones of her voice" (Plutarch); "Cleopatra's nose, had it been shorter, the whole face of the world would have been changed" (Blaise Pascal) - she would be born in 69 and die before reaching 40, setting the bar for future blonde glam queens Jean Harlow (1911-37), Marilyn Monroe (1926-62) (26/62 is pretty close to -69?), Jayne Mansfield (1933-67), Anna Nicole Smith (1967-2007), et al.? Roman breed mare Octavia Thurina Minor (d. -11); sister of Augustus (Octavian) (-63 to 14); half-sister of Octavia Thurina Major (daughter of Gaius Octavius and Ancharia); grand-niece of Julius Caesar; 4th wife of Marc Antony (-83 to -30). Deaths: Roman matron Julia; wife of Gaius Marius.

-68 The 178th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Lucius Caecilius Metellus and Quintius Marcius Rex; Catiline becomes praetor. On Oct. 6 a combined Armenian-Pontian army of 70K are defeated by Roman gen. Lucullus in the Battle of Artaxata, causing Tigranes II the Great and Mithridates VI to flee, while inflicting heavy Roman losses which cause Roman troops to stage three mutinies by next year after the bum Lucullus had forced many of his men to serve beyond the required 20 years, and endless marches over barren terrain give them ideas? Syria is granted to Antiochus XIII Dionysus Philopator Kallinikos (Asiaticus) (d. -64), son of Antiochus X and the last of the Seleucids, who is installed at Antioch, and Philip I's son Philip II claims the throne. Julius Caesar wins a post with the Roman army in Spain, using it to develop a rep. as a daring officer; at this time Roman Spain is divided into Hither Spain (NE) and Farther Spain (SW); the town of Pamplona (Pampeluna) in N Spain on a tributary of the Ebro River 11 mi. NW of Saragossa is first mentioned. Deaths: Greek eclectic philosopher Antiochus of Ascalon (b. -130) in Syria. Chinese Western Han statesman Huo Guang (b. ?); half-brother of Huo Qubing (-140 to -117); known for deposing emperor Liu He for the good of the state; the Huo Guang Mausoleum is built in 139-92 C.E..

John Aristobulus II of Judea (d. -49)

-67 Roman consuls: Manius Acilius Glabrio and Gaius Calpurnius Piso. The Arabian prince of Emessa kills Antiochus XIII by treachery, but Philip II is unable to secure his rule of syrupy Syria. The illness of Pharisee Queen Salome Alexandra (b. -139) causes her to appoint her Pharisee son Hyrcanus II as king, but his Sadducee younger brother John Aristobulus II (d. -49) declares himself king even before her death, and starts the Judean Civil War, backed by Roman gen. Pompey, bribing Hyrcanus II to relinquish his claims as king and retain the priesthood, until Antipater the Idumean (-100 to -43) (father of Herod I the Great) convinces him to renege and fight for the throne. The Lex Gabinia, passed by the popular assembly and bypassing the Senate gives Pompey a 3-year command to lead 500 ships to clear the Mediterranean (Mare Nostrum) ("Our Sea") of pirates, who had become so bold as to sail to the mouth of the Tiber 15 mi. from Rome; he sweeps them out of the W half of the ocean in 40 days, and in 49 more corners then in the Aegean, sinks their ships, destroys their island strongholds, and pacifies their homeland of Cilicia; meanwhile Roman gen. Lucullus withdraws from N Armenia and plunders Nisibis, held by Tigranes II's brother, but fails to capture either Tigranes the Great or Mithridates VI, causing him to be recalled to Rome and replaced by hot Pompey, with the task of defeating Mithridates VI and Tigranes the Great; meanwhile a Parthian army led by Phraates III, joined by Tigranes III, younger son of Tigranes II sieges Gordyeyne in order to replace his daddy, but daddy is too smart for that and runs for the hills after fortifying the capital of Artaxata until Phraates III gives up sieging it and withdraws, allowing Tigranes to come down and drive Tigranes IOI to the arms of Pompey, while Tigranes II recovers much of his former territory, while Mithridates VI returns to Pontus with an army of 8K men. 33-y.-o. Julius Caesar weeps when he recalls that at the same age Alexander the Great had conquered all those cool countries, and all he has is this toga? Catiline becomes gov. of the Roman province of Africa (until -66). Births: Roman gen. Sextus Pompeius Magnus Pius (d. -35); son of Pompey the Great (-106 to -48) and 3rd wife Mucia Tertia; brother of Gnaeus Pompeius (-75 to -45). Deaths: Jewish queen (-76 to -67) Salome Alexandra (b. -139).

-66 The Romans capture Crete, and make it a province. By popular acclaim after his V over the Mediterranean pirates, the Lex Manilia, spoken for by Cicero causes mean lame-ass Lucullus Pompey (Ganaeus Pompeius) to be replaced as Roman cmdr. in Syria by Pompey, who advances into Armenia with Tigranes III, causing Tigranes II the Great to surender and retain his kingdom in return for surrendering his conquests and paying 6K talents of silver, and allowing his so to be sent to Rome as a hostage; meanwhile Mithridates VI flees to the Caucasus, while Lucullus returns to Rome, spending the rest of his life in wealth and luxury in his villas in Tusculum and Neapolis, and his house and gardens in Rome, entertained by artists, poets and philosophers - spending too much on utility bills? Huo conspires unsuccessfully to overthrow the Han Dynasty in China. Roman consuls: Manius Aemilius Lepidus and Lucius Volcacius Tullus.

-65 Cato the Younger is elected Roman quaestor, going on to prosecute previous questors for corruption, gaining popular acclaim. The Nabataeans under Aretas III siege Jerusalem. Tripolis (Tripoli) in Phoenicia (modern-day Lebanon) loses its autonomy and is organized as a Roman province. Julius Caesar becomes curule aedile, in charge of public celebrations, borrowing money from Crassus to stage lavish shows, feasts, and processions, incl. filling an arena with 320 pairs of gladiators. Roman consuls: Lucius Manlius Torquatus and Lucius Aurelius Cotta. Births: Roman "Epodes" lyric poet Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus) (d. -8) on Dec. 8 in Venusia; of Sabellian ancestry. Judean princess Salome (d. 10 C.E.); daughter of Antipater the Idumean and Cypros; sister of Herod I the Great (-73 to -4). Deaths: Greek king of Pontus (-120 to -63) Mithridates VI (b. -135).

-64 The 179th Olympiad. Catiline leads the Catiline Conspiracy to get all debts cancelled (novae tabulae), planning an armed revolt after being defeated in the Senate (ends -63) - the cat's away and the mice will play? Pompey the Great pursues Mithridates VI of Pontus to the Crimea, where he commits hari-kari next year, ending the Third Mithradatic War (begun -88); Pompey then marches through the former Seleucid domains and ends the Seleucid monarchy, making Syria a Roman province (ends 636 C.E.); Pompey sends Scaurus to Jerusalem to force a Nabataean retreat, and conquers the Nabataeans, but allows them to retain their independence while having to pay tribute; Lebanon is governed as part of Syria, Beirut becomes the most important city, and Aramaic replaces the Phoenician language; the kingdom of Pontus is dismantled, and part of it is allowed to exist as the old Kingdom of Bosporus (founded -438). Pompey rewards Deiotarus I of Galatia for his aid by giving him the title of king plus some territory in E Pontus, to which the Senate grants him most of Galatia and Lesser Armenia. Roman consuls: Lucius Julius Caesar and Gaius Marcius Figulus. Births: Roman architect-statesman gen. (Octavian's chief advisor) Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa (Lat. "born feet-first") (d. -12) in Arpino (Istria?) (Asisium?).

A Jimmy-Jammy Sham? A great year to be an atheist, or, Jupiter Rocks on Decca? Meanwhile Cicero talks his way to the top in Rome, while his secretary Tiro invents shorthand to keep up with his mouth?

Roman Gen. Pompey (-106 to -48) Marcus Tullius Cicero (-106 to -43) Marcus Tullius Tiro (d. -4)

-63 Roman consuls: Gaius Antonius and Marcus Tullius Cicero; Cato the Younger, young Turk of the Optimates conservative party in the Senate is elected tribune of the plebs, helping Cicero deal with the Catiline Conspiracy. Roman #1 gen. Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus (Pompey the Great) (-106 to -48) invades Palestine, quashes the Judean Civil War (begun -67) between two brothers, Aristobulus II (d. -49) (elder) and Hyrcanus II (d. -30), who vied for both the kingship and high priesthood, and captures Jehovah-town Jerusalem, taking the crown from Hyrcanus II and ending the Hasmonean Dynasty; (after having a row of stiff-necked Jewish priests executed?) Pompey pompously enters the Jewish Temple, parts the 30 ft. x 30 ft. x 4 in. Holy Curtain and enters the Holy of Holies, finding it empty of Jehovah and his Shekinah (holy presence), making him believe that he proved Jehovah a fraud and/or that Zeus has destroyed him, giving the pagan Roman Empire its fatal hubris?; Pompey restores the high priesthood to Hyrcanus II, also making him ethnarch, responsible to the Roman gov. of Syria; Judea becomes part of the Roman province of Syria, with its territory greatly reduced, and is now in its last days as the blood flows every time a Messiah arises? - if the Jesus story is fiction, this is when they'd start thinking it out? Pompey reorganizes Palestine, giving the Hellenistic cities special status and protection, allowing them to mint their own coins and exercise limited self-govt., causing them to form the Decapolis (Gr. "ten cities"), consisting of Damascus (northernmost), Philadelphia (Rabbah) (modern-day Amman) (southernmost) (25 mi. NE of the Dead Sea), Raphana (Abila?), Scythopolis (Beth-shean) (westernmost), Gadar, Hippo (Hippos) (on the E shore of the Sea of Galilee), Dion, Pella, Galasa (Gerasa) (modern-day Jarash), and Canatha (Kenath) (easternmost), with all of them except Scythopolis lying W of the Jordan River. Catiline is tried for extortion, gets pissed-off and participates in a plot to assassinate the consuls and seize power and become a king; after Publius Cornelius Lentulus Sura (d. -63) (stepfather of Marc Antony) (notorious for his private life, which got him ejected from the Senate) spoils the plot by negotiating with the Allobrogian ambassadors, causing Publius Cornelius Lentulus Spinther (d. -48) to hand him over, Marcus Tullius Cicero "the Orator" (-106 to -43), who is finally elected consul this year shows why he is a wise choice by exposing the Catiline Conspiracy and delivering two memorable Catilinarian (Catiline) Orations in the Senate, with the Latin soundbyte "Quousque tandem abutere, Catlina, patientia nostra?" (How long now, Catiline dear, will you abuse our patience?), causing Catiline's conspirators to be arrested and executed without trial despite Julius Caesar arguing for life exile and Drusus Claudius Nero (-105 to ?) (descendant of censor Appius Claudius Caecus and father of Tiberius and Nero Claudius Drusus) arguing for life imprisonment, while Catiline digs in for a last stand as the bulk of his army deserts him; the Caesar-Cicero feud begins. Brogitarus (Brogitarix) (d. -36) becomes co-ruler of Galatia with his father-in-law Deiotarus I (until -50). Mithridates VI flees to Crimea and tries to get his eldest son Machares (d. -6ew), regent of the Bosporan Kingdom to aid him, but when he refuses he has him killed, taking the throne for himself and making preparations to take on Roman gen. Pompey the Great, causing his youngest son Pharnaces II (-97 to -47) to rebel and lead Roman exiles in the Pontic army against him, causing Mithridates VI to flee to his citadel in Panticapaeum and commit suicide. Speaking of the poor getting poorer while the rich get richer? Pompey's conquests and reorg. of the east causes Roman revenues to increase from 50M to 135M denarii, besides making him rich. The Hellenistic Period in Archaeology ends, and the Roman Period in Archeology begins (ends 325 C.E.). Inventions: Marcus Tullius Tiro (d. -4), a freed slave of Cicero who became his confidential secy. for 36 years invents the first system of verbatim shorthand, made up of 5K symbols (incl. the @ symbol), which is used for the next 600 years, lost, then rediscovered by German scholars in the late 15th cent. C.E. and used to record the speeches of Martin Luther. Births: Roman emperor #1 (-27 to 14) Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus (Octavian) (Gaius Octavius Thurinus) (AKA Augustus, "revered or exalted or illustrious one") (-63 to 14) on Sept. 23 in Rome; son of Gaius Octavius (-100 to -59) and Atia Balba Caesonia (-85 to -43) (niece of Julius Caesar, making him his grandnephew); brother of Octavia Minor (-69 to -11); adopted by Julius Caesar in -44; father of Julia Major (-39 to 14) - eight inches up his what? Greek geographer-historian and Stoic philosopher Strabo (d. 24) in Amaseia, Pontus (modern-day Amasya, Turkey); Georgian mother. Deaths: Mithridates VI of Pontus (b. -131); dies after he flees to the Crimea and has a slave kill him to avoid being captured by Gen. Pompey's troops. Roman senator gen. Quintus Caecilius Metellus Pius (b. -130).

Mount Nemrut Sanctuary, -62

-62 Roman consuls: Decimus Junius Silanus and Lucius Licinius Murena. In Jan. after fleeing to Fiesole and blocked in his attempt to flee to Gaul by Quintus Metellus Celer and Gaius Antonius Hybrida (who is stricken with gout and passes command to master of horse Marcus Petreius) Catiline and his 10K men are defeated in the Battle of Pistoria (modern-day Pistoia) in Etruria (21 mi. NW of Florence), with Catiline seeing all is lost and flinging himself into the enemy to die a hero's death; Pistoia later becomes known as the birthplace of pistols (pistola) (1540 C.E.)? - bang bang, you're dead, not butchered like cattle? In Dec. up-and-coming Publius Clodius Pulcher (-93 to -52) becomes involved in the Bona Dea (Lat. "Good Goddess") Scandal when he dresses in drag and sneaks into the mysteries of the Virgin Bonea Dea ("Good Goddess") in the house of pontifex maximus Julius Caesar, causing rumors of an affair with his wife Pompeia, causing him to be tried but get off after bribing the jury; Caesar divorces her to avoid the appearance of impropriety, and he and Clodius become enemies. Pompey the Great leads his legions along the Euphrates River to the Caspian Sea, conquering new territory for Rome and earning comparisions with Alexander the Great. Aretas III dies, and Obodas II becomes king of the Nabataeans for a few mo. Architecture: Caesar's rival Pompey builds the Curia of Pompey, which later becomes the entrance to the Theater of Pompey. King Antiochus I Theos of Commagene builds a mountaintop sanctuary on Mount Nemrut near modern-day Adiyaman Province, Turkey in SE Asia Minor flanked by 26-30-ft.-tall statues of himself plus various gods and animals; by modern times only some heads remain. Deaths: Roman politician Catiline (Lucius Sergius Catilina) (b. -108) near Pistoria (KIA).

-61 Roman consuls: Marcus Valerius Messala Niger and Marcus Pipius Piso Frugi Calpurnianus. Julius Caesar becomes gov. of Spain. Publius Clodius Pulcher becomes quaestor in Sicily, then returns and renounces his patrician rank, getting adopted as a pleb by Publius Fonteius in -59 and changing his name from Claudius to Clodius. Pompey returns to Rome from his Asian campaign with a huge treasure, disbands his army, and after asking the Senate to postpone consular elections celebrates his 2-day Third Triumph, followed by two years of snubs from the aristocratic Senate, led by Cato the Younger, which refuses to ratify his eastern settlement or grant his demands for land for his veterans.

Three times twenty equals the Triumvirate Year?

Marcus Licinius Crassus (-115 to -53) Statue of Pompey the Great, -52 Julius Caesar (-100 to -44) Juba I of Numidia (-85 to -46)

-60 The 180th Olympiad. After Julius Caesar sells the idea, and Cicero rejects it, Pompey and Crassus end their rivalry, swear eternal friendship, and form the First Triumvirate to counter the power of the Roman aristocratic party, who call it the Three-headed Monster; Marcusw Licinius Crassus (-115 to -53) is supported by the publicani, Pompey the Great (Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus) (-106 to -48) by the military, and Julius Caesar (-100 to -44) by the populace; the Senate no longer decides affairs, but instead Crassus' dining room is where the action's at?; Caesar orders the proceedings of the "Acta Senatus" ("Commentarii Senatus") (daily transactions of the Senate, gathered by actuarii) to be pub. on bulletin boards "in albo" (upon the white), becoming the first album; Caesar has a variety of horses, but always picks a white one with a fake toe above the hoof, which was considered lucky; he names them Toes. Octavian puts down a revolt in Thurii by slaves left over from the Spartacus and Catiline revolts, and becomes Roman gov. of Macedonia. Obodas II dies, and his son Malichus I (d. -30) becomes king of the Nabataeans. Juba I (-85 to -46) becomes king of Numidia in North Africa (until -46). Ederus (d. -12) becomes king of the Picts. About this time the Romans make Helmantica (modern-day Salamanca) in the Roman province of Lusitania in NW Spain a civitas (political community) on the Via de la Plata (Silver Way) trade route, which connects with Emerita Augusta (modern-day Merida) to the S, and Asturica Augusta (modern-day Astorga) to the N, building it a large bridge over the Tormes River. Architecture: About this time the Shropshire Road in Britain is built, becoming an advanced engineering product? Roman consuls: Lucius Afranius and Quintus Caecilius Metellus Celer. Births: Greek historian-rhetorician (in Rome) Dionysius of Halicarnassus (d. 7) in Halicarnassus, Caria, Asia Minor; comes to Rome in -29. Roman rhetorician Lucius Annaeus Seneca Major (the Elder) (d. 37) in Cordoba (Cordova), Spain; father of Seneca Minor (-4 to 65).

If only the whole world were a Twinkie?

-59 After Octavian wins a V against the Thracian Bessian tribe and dies on en route to Rome to stand for election as consul, Julius Caesar is elected consul, and gets Pompey's eastern settlement and veteran land bill passed after having his enemy Cato the Younger dragged out of the Senate by lictors in the middle of a speech against him, causing one senator to state that he'd rather be in jail with Cato than in the Senate with Caesar; Caesar then helps Crassus' business friends (publicani) (the knights) get an unfavorable tax contract remitted, and secures the Lex Vatinia, giving him govenership of the provinces of Cisalpine Gaul and Illyricum for five years (later the province of Gallia Narbonensis); Pompey marries his new friend Caesar's daughter Julia ("youthful") (-76 to -54). On Dec. 10 Publius Clodius Pulcher is elected tribune of the plebs, going on to distribute free grain once a month and make other pro-pleb reforms. New widow Ata Balba Caesonia (mother of 4-y.-o. Augustus) marries Lucius Marcius Philippus, a descendant of Roman king Ancus Marcius and supporter of Julius Caesar. Gui Jui fights an invasion of China by the Huns. Chinese gen. Zheng Ji (d. -49), first protector-gen. of the Western Regions builds an irrigation canal. The city of Florentia (Firenze) (modern-day Florence) in N Italy on the Arno River 143 mi. NW of Rome (modern-day pop. 383K) is founded at the foot of the hill on which Faesulae (modern-day Fiesole) was founded as a retirement community for veterans of Julius Caesar's army, and since it's on the Via Cassia between Rome and the north it rapidly becomes a commercial center. The oldest written reference to tea. Roman consuls: Gaius Julius Caesar and Marcus Calpurnius Bibulus. Births: Roman historian Titus Livius Patavinus (Livy) (d. 17 C.E.) (b. -64?) in Abano (near Patavium, modern-day Padua) in N Italy; of the same clan as Augustus' wife Livia; spends most of his life in Rome, where he hunkers down and writes a 142-vol. history, bragging how great it is. Deaths: Roman statesman Gaius Octavius (b. -100) dies en route to Rome to stand for election as consul in the same bedroom where his son Augustus later dies?

The Original All-You-Can-Eat Buffet? An entire fair-skinned people, their language and culture is crushed like white Indians before they have time to unite and hold their own, giving the Roman Empire a counterweight to use against the Germans, who prove tougher to crush, and eventually reverse the charges in about 500 years?
Wherever we go that's where the party's at? It's easy, avoid one-on-one combat with these wild men, and instead work together to first kill the biggest Gaul on the field, then the next biggest, and so on, until they fall apart, and then massacre them all, which serves these wild amateur non-team players right? No wonder no Gaullic team ever wins the Super Bowl?

-58 Roman consuls: Lucius Calpurnius Piso Caesoninus and Aulus Gabinius. Publius Clodius Pulcher (-93 to -52), tribune of the plebs introduces the Leges Clodiae (Clodian Laws), threatening anyone who executes a Roman citizen sans trial with exile, aimed at his enemy Cicero. About this time Julius Caesar coins the term "Germanic" for the tribes living N of the Rhine, and "Celtic" for the tribes living S of the Rhine; Gallia Transalpina (Galla Ulterior) (which looks like a giant smorgasboard to the Romans) is split between three main nations, the tall, fair, gregarious Celtic Belgae (Belgi) (Gael. "sacred tree") tribe in the N (to the Rhine), the rest of the Celts in the middle, and the dark-complected Tarbelli in the SW (Aquitaine), who prefer to fight in small bands; "Physically the Celts are terrifying in appearance with deep-sounding and very harsh voices. In conversation they use few words and speak in riddles, for the most part hinting at things and leaving a great deal to be understood. They frequently exaggerate with the aim of extolling themselves and diminishing the status of others. They are boasters and threateners, and given to bombastic self-dramatization, and yet they are quick of mind and with good natural ability for learning" (Diodorus Siculus, Book 5); the major Celtic tribes in Belgian Gaul (Gallia Belgica) in NE Gaul are the seafaring Menapii in N Gaul in the mouth of the Rhine River S along the Scheldt River, with main city of Cassel near Tarwanna, the Nervii (of Germanic origin?) S of them (E of the Scheldt River), the Morini (Gael. "people of the Sea") on the NW coast based in Boulogne-sur-Mer and Tarwanna (Tervanna) (modern-day Therouanne), and the Caleti (Caletes) on the coast of modern-day Normandy, the Remi in NE Gaul between the Mosa (Meuse) and the Matrona (Marne) (incl. the town of Durocorter or Reims), the Suessiones (Suessones) in W Gallia Belgica between the Oise and Marne Rivers centered around Soissons, the Meldi ("honey people") on the Marne River (near modern-day Meaux), the Catuvellauni N of the Sequana (Seine) River, the Treveri (Treviri) in the lower Moselle River Valley, the Mediomatrici S of the Treveri W of the Vosges River, with capital at Divodurum (modern-day Metz), the Lingones at the headwaters of the Seine and Marne Rivers, with capital at Andematunnum ("fortress of the great bear") on the Marne River near modern-day Langres, the coastal 5-tribe confederation of Armorica (Aremorica) (Celt. "near the sea") between the Seine and Loire Rivers, incl. the Osismii ("deer people") in Finis Terrae (Lat. "ends of the Earth") in Brittany with capital at Vorgium (modern-day Carhaix) (known for trading with Ireland and Britain), the Redones (Rhedones) on the Liger (Loire) River, with capital at Condate (modern-day Rennes), the Veneti in the Brittany Peninsula, the Venelli (Veneli) (Unelli) in the Cherbourg Peninsula, the Sequani in the Arar (Saone) Rivver Valley of the Doubs in the Jura Mts. (modern-day Franche-Comte) (known for their smoked ham), the Helvetii in W Switzerland (composed of the Verbigeni, Tigurini, Toygenoi, and one other subgroup), the Carnutes and Senones N of the Liger (Loire) River (modern-day Chartres, Orleans and Blois) (political and reigious center of Gaul), the Pictones (Pictavi) along the Bay of Biscay in W Gaul (most civilized and independent Celtic tribe?), the Bituriges ("rulers of the world", "perpetual kings") S of the Liger (Loire) River, with capital at Burdigala (Bordeaux) on the Garunna (Garonne) River, the Decetiae on island in the Loire River at the confluence with the Aron River in modern-day Decize; Aedui (Haedui) (Hedui) between the Liger (Loire) and Arar (Saone) Rivers (modern-day Burgundy) (known for being friendly with the Romans), the Santones (Santoni) (Santii) in modern-day Saintonge around the town of Saintes, the Arverni in Auvergne around the town of Gergovia (modern-day Clermont-Ferrand), the Ruteni ("blondes") in Aveyron (known as producers of lead), the Lemovices (Lemovici) in modern-day Limousin and Poitou, the Volcae and Tectosages (Tectosagii) in S Gaul, the Vulgientes (Vordenses) in SE Gaul, with capital at Apt, which Caesar changes to Apta Julia and beautifies; the Allobroges inhabit the Rhone Valley, incl. the key town of Lugdunum (modern-day Lyons) at the estuary of the Rhine River at the confluence of the Rhodanus (Rhone), Saone and Liger (Loire) Rivers, along with Cularo (modern-day Grenoble) on the Isere River 75 mi. SE of Lugdunum; the Vocantii (whose patron goddess is Andarta, goddess of fertility) inhabit the Rhone Valley and Alps to the S of the Allobroges; Gallia Cisalpina (Galla Citerior) (Po River Valley) is inhabited by the Celtic Boii, along with the Cenomani (Aulerci Cenomani) and Insubres (Insubria) of Insubria (modern-day Lombardy) (founders of Mediolanum or Milan); Gallia Provincia (Provence) (Province), the SE neck around the Mediterranean coast between the Alps and Pyrenees features the towns of Tolosa (Toulouse), Carcaso, Narbo (Narbonne), Massila (Marseille), Arelate (Arelas) (Arles), and Valentia; Flanders (Vaanderen), the region around the city of Bruges is inhabited by Celts; the Parisii inhabit Paris and the Seine Valley; Carnac on the Gulf of Morbihan in S Brittany 20 mi. SE of Lorient has the Carnac Stones, 1,991 granite menhirs arranged in 11 parallel rows, with a curved row of 18 stones at one end; about 1.5 mi. from Carnac Le Bosseno (a group of mounds) contains the remains of Caesar's Camp. In the spring Julius Caesar the Celt-Killer, proconsul in Gaul, using Narbonensis in the S as a base begins a series of annual campaigns in Gaul, first conquering the Suebi and killing their chieftain Ariovistus after all 370K of them begin a mass migration from W Switzerland to S Gaul under German pressure, right into Caesar's lap, and after killing 120K he orders the rest to return to their homeland and submit to Roman rule; he then strikes deeper into Gaul, and they come out swinging naked with short stabbing swords and fight for their free-ee-ee-dom, almost destroying his armies, but he holds on and kicks their butts with superior military org. and discipline in eight campaigns of the Gallic Rapes, er, Gallic Wars (end -50), making use of the fact that they have a 2-front war going on with the Germans across the Rhine River to divide and conquer, systematically exterminating them and setting Gaul up for Roman colonization while stealing their wealth to make himself rich; he eventually kills 1M of 10M, and enslaves another 1M; Caesar conquers Vesontio (modern-day Besancon) on the Doubs River (47 mi. E of modern-day Dijon), the principal town of the Sequani; meanwhile after a 3-year planning period, 260K Helvetii (mainly women and children?), led by Orgetorix strike out toward Gaul with the intention of (conquering it?) and settling among the Santoni between Poitiers and Bordeaux, using scorched earth tactics and gaining recruits as they go, reaching 200K-365K total (incl. 16K-40K warriors), reaching Geneva, only to find that Caesar and his 30K-man army have beat them to it and dismantled the bridge, after which they bypass him by going N over the Jura Mts. and ravaging the lands of the Aedui, who call on Caesar for aid, then crossing the Saone River; too bad, Caesar ambushes the last quarter of their forces on the E bank, incl. the Tigurini, and after negotiations fall through, the Helvetii defeat Caesar and continue their journey, while the rest of Caesar's army is stalled waiting for grain shipments, which are held up by the Aedui because its chieftain Dumnorix is the hubby of Orgetorix' daughter; after Caesar catches back up with them, he defeats them at the Battle of Bibracte (one of the 12 biggest towns in decentralized Gaul, which has no king and no capital city, and revolts civilized Romans with tales of the equality of women?), slaughtering and enslaving 250K and capturing most of their baggage as they flee to the lands of the Lingones on the Langres Plateau; after waiting three days to soften them up (or to lick his wounds), and ordering the Lingones not to help them, Caesar accepts their surrender and allows the remaining 110K to return home on the condition (foedus) that they supply fighting men on request; too bad, they lose their foederati status when they support Vercingetorix in -52; the Gauls are later discovered to be running 400+ gold mines (Caesar's real reason for invading?), and Caesar wastes no time glutting the Roman market with 70 tons of gold, causing prices to drop 25% as the Romans begin minting gold coins for the first time since ?; Caesar got his clue from the fact that despite an ideal climate, the Gauls imported their wine from Rome, revealing their wealth? In Sept. after riots in Alexandria, Ptolemy XII Auletes flees to Rome with Cleopatra VII to seek military aid, and his wife Cleopatra V Tryphaena rules Egypt jointly with their daughter Berenice IV Epiphaneia (-77 to -55) and Cleopatra VI Tryphaena (until -55); in 57 B.C.E. Berenice IV is forced to marry Seleucus VII Kybiosaktes ("tuna fish gutting work"), but soon has him strangled, ditches Cleopatra V and Cleopatra VI and rules alone, then marries high priest Archelaus, alleged son of Mithridates VI of Pontus, but doesn't share royal power. The original Fight Club? Cyprus is annexed to Rome by Cato the Younger, who was sent there to get him out of the way of the Triumvirate, and he goes on to prove how incorruptible he is, raising 7K silver talents for the Roman treasury without pocketing a shekel; too bad, his air tight accounting books are lost at sea, causing him almost to be charged with extortion, but later the Senate recognizes him with an extraordinary praetorship and other privileges, all of which he refuses as unlawful; meanwhile Publius Clodius Pulcher gets the property of rival Cicero confiscated, and burns down his house on the Palatine Hill and auctions off the land to himself under an alias; after Julius Caesar leaves for Gaul, he becomes master of Rome, with his own personal gang of street thugs under the guise of collegia (clubs), promising free grain, while his opponent, tribune Titus Annius Milo runs his own thugs to combat them. Births: Roman Claudian (Lat. "lame") House breed mare Livia Drusilla (d. 29) on Jan. 30; daughter of Marcus Livius Drusus Claudius and Aufidia; mother of Tiberius and Drusus; grandmother of Germanicus and Claudius; great-grandmother of Caligula and Agrippina the Younger; great-great-grandmother of Nero; Augustus' wife of Tiberius Claudius Nero) (-85 to -33) (her cousin) (-42) and Augustus (-39).

Orodes II of Parthia (d. -37) Mithradates III (d. -54)

-57 Early in the year Julius Caesar imposes a protectorate on the Gaulic Carnutes (modern-day Chartres), with puppet king Tasgetius (Tasgetios) (Tasgiitios) (d. -54); too bad, the Gauls don't go for him and assassinate him in early -54; meanwhile a tribal coalition of the Belgae incl. the Veliocasses (Velocasses) resist the Romans. Exiled Ptolemy XII Auletes visits Cyprus and Rome seeking support for a comeback, then gives up and heads for Ephesus. Parthian King Phraates III is murdered by his sons Orodes II (d. -37) and Mithridates III (d. -54), who fall out with each other and start a civil war. An attempt to recall Cicero from exile is attempted by a tribune, pissing-off his enemy Publius Clodius Pulcher, who sends his street gang on Milo's and attacks the workmen rebuilding Cicero's house at public expense, then assaults Cicero publicly in the street and sets fire to the house of Cicero's brother Quintus Tullius Cicero. Perea ("the country beyond") (E of Judea on the E side of the Jordan River) becomes an admin. district under Rome. The Jewish fortress of Machaerus is destroyed by the Romans, A shortage of grain in Rome causes the Senate to give Pompey a special command (cura annonae) to supervise the supply. Beginning of the Silla (Shilla) Dynasty in SE Korea (ends 935 C.E.); the smallest of the Three Kingdoms of Korea (Paekje, Koguryo), it goes on to conquer the other two by 668 C.E. Tibet establishes an empire. Roman consuls: Publius Cornelius Lentulus Spinther and Quintus Caecilius Metellus Nepos. Deaths: Egyptian queen Cleopatra V Tryphaena (b. -95) (d. -69/-68?).

-56 The 181st Olympiad. Roman consuls: Gnaeus Cornelius Lentulus Marcellinus and Lucius Marcius Philippus. Caesar's legate Quintus Titurius Sabinus is sent with three legions to subdue the Belgic Venelli, Curiosolitae, and Lexovii of Normandy, led by Viridovix (Gael. "virile"), winning a decisive V and obtaining their submission. Mutual jealousies force the First Triumvirate to meet at Caesar's suggestion at the Lucca Conference in Lucca on the S border of Cisalpine Gaul, and it is agreed to give Gaul to Caesar, Spain to Pompey, and Syria to Crassus; meanwhile loose cannon Publius Clodius Pulcher becomes curule aedile, and tries to get his rival Milo impeached for public violence for defending his house against attacks by Clodius' own gang; after more street fights the matter is dropped.

The bearded, long-haired Celtic "Wild Men" reel under suave, sophisticated, clean-shaven city-slicker Caesar on the Continent and the Isles?

Pompey's Theater, -55

-55 Roman consuls: Marcus Licinius Crassus (2nd time) and Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus (Pompey) (2nd time). In July after bribing Roman gov. of Syria Aulus Gabinius and agreeing to support Pompey, who is in Alexandria in Mar., Ptolemy XII Auletes returns to Alexandria with some Roman troops and kicks Berenice IV's butt and has her beheaded after her hubby Archelaus is KIA. Hermaeus, the last Indo-Greek king is defeated. Aulus Gabinius, influenced by Antipater the Idumean imposes a settlement on Judea; Antipater dominates political life in Judea by managing Hyrcanus II's relations with Rome. The Roman sponge-wipers meet the Celtic leaf-and-twig wipers on Britain's Shit River and kick each other's ass and anus? Meanwhile the Triumvirate shows its first cracks? Julius Caesar's command is extended for another five years, and Pompey and Crassus are given matching 5-year proconsular commands, Pompey in Nearer and Farther Spain, and Crassus in Syria; Crassus sails to govern his new province of Syria with seven legions, but Pompey sends legates to govern his, while returning to Rome to plot and jockey for position in the crumbling triumvirate; Caesar continues his kill-da-Celts program where he left off, and on Aug. 26 after learning that the Celts in Britain are supporting the resistance in Armorica, he crosses the Channel and invades Britain via the White Cliffs of Dover (Dubris), where he encounters Dover Castle on the E end, then invades Kent and fights the Celtic Catuvellauni tribe N of the Thames River, with capital at Devil's Dyke near Wheathampstead in Hertfordshire), led by king Caswallon (Cadwallon) (Cassivellaunus) (d. -48) (earliest known British king), then quickly withdraws; the region N of the Thames River E of the Catuvellauni is inhabited by the Celtic Trinovantes (Trinobantes) tribe (most powerful tribe in Britain), and the region W of them by the Belgae; Caesar builds a bridge across the Rhine River between modern-day Koblenz (Coblenz) and Andernach; meanwhile the Belgic Menapii, who had been driven by Caesar into the swamps and forests around the mouth of the Rhine River are attacked by a Germanic invasion across the Rhine, defeated, and driven back further; "Sixty winters ere that Christ was born, Caius Julius, emperor of the Romans, with eighty ships sought Britain. There he was first beaten in a dreadful fight, and lost a great part of his army. Then he let his army abide with the Scots, and went south into Gaul. There he gathered six hundred ships, with which he went back into Britain. When they first rushed together, Caesar's tribune, whose name was Labienus, was slain. Then took the Welsh sharp piles, and drove them with great clubs into the water, at a certain ford of the river called Thames. When the Romans found that, they would not go over the ford. Then fled the Britons to the fastnesses of the woods; and Caesar, having after much fighting gained many of the chief towns, went back into Gaul." - Anglo-Saxon Chronicle. About this time the Roman settlement of Avaricum 145 mi. S of Paris in Gaul is founded at the confluence of the Yevre and Auron Rivers in the territory of the kaput Biturges, later becoming the French town of Bourges. About this time Commius of the Atrebates tribe in the Artois region of N Gaul flees to Britain, declaring himself king of a territory covering parts of modern-day Hampshire, West Sussex, and Berkshire, with capital at Calleva Atrebatum in modern-day Silchester. Architecture: Pompey's Theater, the first permanent theater in Rome is built next to the Curia of Pompey, featuring a covered arcade housing rooms containing art and other works collected by Pompey on his campaigns. Nonfiction: Cicero (-106 to -43), On the Orator (De Oratore); set in -91, about Marcus Antonius Orator; "To be ignorant of what happened before one was born is to remain ever a child." Births: Romman grammarian Marcus Verrius Flaccus (d. 20); brings up Augustus' grandsons Gaius Julius Caesar (-20 to 4) and Lucius Caesar (-17 to 2). Deaths: Armenian king Tigranes II the Great (b. -140). Roman poet-philosopher Titus Lucretius Carus (b. -99); leaves De Rerum Natura (On the Nature of Things); expounds his Epicurean doctrine of the Universe in poetic form to Roman readers, based on atomism and guided by fortuna (chance); the first description of persistence of vision, which later makes motion pictures possible; full text rediscovered in 1417 by Poggio Bracciolini.

Ambiorix of the Gauls

-54 Roman consuls: Appius Claudius Pulcher and Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus. Cato the Younger is elected praetor in Rome, going on to work with his Optimates faction in the Senate to force a wedge between Pompey and Caesar, while demagogue Publius Clodius Pulcher stirs up the street rabble; meanwhile the Roman aristocrats begin resisting the Triumvirate, causing Rome to head towards anarchy, with constant thug street wars, while Pompey's wife Julia dies, along with his ties to Caesar, and glory-seeking but bumbling Marcus Lincinus Crassus marches off to fight the Parthians before his consulship is up; Cicero defends politician Gnaeus Plancius on a charge of raping a 12-y.-o. actress in Atina, and Cicero gets him off by pointing out to the all-male court that boys will be boys and/or that she made him doing it by flaunting her body on the stage, with the soundbyte: "O how elegantly must his youth have been passed! The only thing which is imputed to him is one that there was not much harm in." Orodes II's Gen. Suren defeats and executes Mithradates III in Seleucia, and Orodes II becomes sole king of Parthia (until -37). Caesar crosses the Rhine River to kick a little German butt, then invades Britain again in the summer, taking almost half of the island and receiving the submission of six tribes in the east, incl. the Iceni (Eceni), and Caswallon's tribe the Catuvellauni, along with an agreement to pay tribute; military occupation is not attempted; his advance is impeded by pointed stakes driven into the bed of the shitty, muddy, marshy river (which eventually turns into a silver stream flowing between green banks) by the Britons, which the Celts call the Tamesis (Gael. "dark") River, which rises from four headstreams in the Cotswold Hills of Gloucestershire in S-C England; during the Renaissance it is renamed the Thames River according to the erroneous theory that the Celts came from the Thymans River in Epirus Greece; Caesar names the Pennine Mts. after the Apennine Mts. in Italy?; it takes 90 more years for the Romans to subdue the country under Emperor Claudius; Caesar's war chariots feature scythes tied to the ends of the axles, mowing down the terrified Celts; Caesar likes the captured Celt horses so much that he sends a bunch back to Rome, after which they are in much demand throughout the empire; after returning from Britain and running low on food, Caesar disperses his eight legions to squeeze the native tribes for food despite a poor harvest, and in Dec. a Roman legion and five cohorts under legates Quintus Titurius Sabinus and Lucius Aurunculeius Cotta (d. -54) build the Roman fort of Aduatuca between the Meuse and Rhine Rivers to sit out the winter, but two weeks later the starving Eburones, led by co-kings Ambiorix (young) and Catuvolcus (Cativolcus) (d. -53) (old) surprise-attack their well-stocked fort, almost taking it until the Spanish horse cavalry comes out and disperses them; the tricky Gauls then convince the Romans that the Germans are coming over the Rhine River and offer them safe passage to either of two nearby Roman forts, and after they fall for it they ambush and massacre them, pissing-off Caesar bigtime and causing him to decide to wipe out all the Belgae once and for all. Architecture: Tiring of the congestion, Julius Caesar begins building the walled Forum Romanum Magnum (Julian Roman Forum), E of the Capitoline and N of the Palatine Hill, with a large Temple to Venus Genetrix (patroness of his ancient family) in the center, dedicated in -46 by Julius Caesar - I want to kiss it goodbye? Nonfiction: Cicero (-106 to -43), On the Republic (De Republica), containing Scipio's Dream. Births: Jewish queen Mariamne (Mariamme) I (d. -29); Herod's 2nd wife; daughter of Alexander and Alexandra; sister of Aristobulus III; great-granddaughter of Alexander Janneus and Alexandra Salome on both sides - a babe in the woods? Deaths: Greek Lesbian lover, er, lover of Lesbia Catullus (b. -87).

Rome's Lame Year? The Celtic Gauls revolt against the Roman invaders, and are taught a lesson in military organization and civil engineering? Meanwhile the Zoroastrian Parthians teach the pagan Romans a lesson about mobility and armor in warfare in the biggest quantum leap until the introduction of the tank in World War I?

Battle of Carrhae, -53 Vercingetorix of Gaul (-82 to -46) Gaius Cassius Longinus (-86 to -42)

-53 Roman consuls: Marcus Valerius Messala Rufus and Gnaeus Domitius Calvinus. On Feb. 13 the Gallic Carnutes of Cenabum (Genabum) 80 mi. SW of Paris on the Loire River massacre all the Roman traders as well as one of Caesar's officers, spreading into a gen. Gallic (Gaullic) (Gaullish) Revolt (ends -51), led by Vercingetorix (-82 to -46) (Gael. "king of the warriors") of the Arverni tribe in Auvergne, who is proclaimed at Bebracte; remembering the humiliation of Brennus in -387, Caesar arrives with 50K soldiers for his final revenge tour on the pesky Belgae, and burns Cenabum, kills the men and enslaves the women, then distributes the booty to his soldiers to finance his conquest of Gaul; in 275 C.E. Cenabum is rebuilt by Aurelian and named Aurelianum (modern-day Orleans); meanwhile the Belgic Nervii and Eburones under Ambiorix and Catuvolcus attack a Roman legion under Quintus Tullius Cicero (-102 to -43) (brother of the orator Marcus Tullius Cicero), but Caesar arrives in time to save the day, going on to devastate all the Belgian territories, causing Catuvolcus to poison himself while cursing Ambiorix, who slips across the Rhine River with his men and disappears without a trace; what's left of the Belgae begin a slow Latinization process, evolving into the modern-day Walloons (OE "wealh" = foreigner) in S and SE Belgium and nearby parts of France. On May 6 in the hot hot Syrian summer the Battle of Carrhae (Harran) near modern-day Harran, Turkey sees a horde of mustachioed Zoroastrian Parthians (awarded a special belt after seven years of physical training) under Spahbod (Gen.) Surena (Suren) (Soren) (-84 to -53) surround and defeat 40K Romans under bungling golden-armored Marcus Lincinus Crassus with 1K cataphracts (armored nobles on armored horses) supported by 9K horse archers, shocking the Roman infantry by keeping beyond reach until they wear them out, then giving them a lesson on the Parthian Shot with their hi-tech double-recurved bows, culminating in leading a large part of the Romans into a killing trap, with 20K Romans KIA and 10K taken POW; dumbo Crassus is murdered at a fake truce conference where he thinks he can buy his way out with gold, only to have molten lead poured down his throat and his head cut off for the Parthian king, after which his successor Gaius Cassius Longinus (-86 to -42) has trouble barely saving the scattered remnants of his army; many Aquilae (legionary eagles) (Roman standards) are lost, which is a great humiliation to these proud ass-kickers, causing them to launch a long-term war to regain them; meanwhile Parthia regains Mesopotamia; the battle opens Rome up to silk for the first time, and fatally weakens the Roman Repub. The original Rome-o and Julius-ette? Pompey returns to the aristocratic party in Rome, wanting to be sole consul; Caesar's Roman gang leader Publius Clodius Pulcher runs street wars in Rome against the gang run by Pompey's gang leader Milo, causing the Senate to ask Pompey to round up all the gangs with his troops and play the hero. Deaths: Roman sen.-gen. Marcus Licinius Crassus (b. -115) (kicker of Spartacus' butt) in Syria (KIA by the Parthians).

The Vercingetorix Curia of Pompey Year?

Roman Gen. Quintus Labienus (d. -39) Statue of Pompey the Great, -52

-52 The 182nd Olympiad. Roman consuls: Quintus Caecilius Metellus Pius Scipio and Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus. Victorious Roman gen. Pompey (Ganaeus Pompeius Magnus) (-10 to -48) is elected consul, and tries to gain popularity by putting on bigger shows in the arenas, building the first stone theater in Rome, and a public garden inside a square of new public bldgs., incl. the Curia of Pompey, a meeting hall for the Senate featuring a larger-than-life Statue of Pompey the Great in the Forum of Augustus playing Alexander the Great, but retaining Pompey's unique "curly quif" of hair at the center of his forehead?; his rival Julius Caesar is later assassinated under the statue. Ptolemy XII Auletes makes Cleopatra VIII his co-ruler. In Sept. the Pan-Gallic Rebellion of 52 B.C.E. sees Arvernian leader Vercingetorix (b. -82) and 70K (200K?) Celts from 28 tribes incl. 3K Veliocasses hole-up in an impregnable wooden hill fort in Alesia (Alisia) near modern-day Dijon in C France, but after the young inexperienced Vercingetorix makes the mistake of sending his cavalry off to get reinforcements, Caesar fixes his wagon by building two concentric 11+-mi. rings of earthworks in five weeks, allowing him to siege the fort while keeping neighboring Celts from aiding him; when Vercingetorix releases the aged, women, and children, Caesar refuses to let them pass and instead waits for the gates to open so he can take the fort, causing them to be trapped outside until they all starve; despite 250K Celtic troops arriving, they can't get through the Roman defenses, and after the fort is taken, Vercingetorix is kept in a pit for five years, then used in a triumph before being strangled, with the Romans making a copy of the -241 Greek statue called "The Dying Gaul"; a Roman legion under future traitor Gen. Quintus Labienus (d. -39) conquers Ile de la Cite (modern-day Paris) after the Parisii settlers burn their houses; the Romans found a colony on the site of modern-day Orleans in NC France 69 mi. SW of Paris (modern-day pop. 114K); over the next decades a new town named Lutetia Parisii (modern-day Paris, pop. 2.2M/12.4M) is built on the left bank of the Rhine, which grows to a pop. of 12K-20K mainly on the left bank of the Seine River, while the Romans wipe out all traces of Celtic presence in Gaul; in Mar.-Apr. 2006 C.E. remains of a road and several houses, one with under-floor thermal heating are discovered on the Sainte-Genevieve Hill (Montagne Sainte-Geneviève) on the left bank. Births: Mauretanian king (-26 to 23) Juba II (d. 23) in North Africa; only child of Juba I (-85 to -46); husband of Cleopatra Selene II (-40 to -6), daughter of Cleopatra VII and Mark Antony; father of Ptolemy of Mauretania (-13 to 40). Deaths: Roman politician Publius Clodius Pulcher (b. -93) on Jan. 18 near Bovillae on the Appian Way; dies in a fight between his gang and Milo's as they pass by chance.

Cleopatra VII of Egypt (-69 to -30) Cleopatra VII of Egypt (-69 to -30) Cleopatra VII of Egypt (-69 to -30) Cleopatra VII of Egypt (-69 to -30) Cleopatra VII of Egypt (-69 to -30) Cleopatra VII of Hollywood (1963) Pacorus I of Parthia (d. -38)

-51 In Feb.-Mar. Ptolemy XII Auletes (b. -17) dies, leaving Egypt jointly to his 11-y.-o. son Ptolemy XIII Theos Philopator (-62 to -47), who marries his 18-y.-o. daughter Liz, er, Cleopatra VII Philopator ("father-loving") (-69 to -30), "the Serpent of the Nile", who becomes king #14 of Egypt's 32nd (Ptolemaic) Dynasty and the 7th and most famous queen of ancient Egypt; she doesn't officially accept her brother until next summer - an 18-y.-o. bitchin' babe does what with her preteenie brother? Caesar quashes the Gallic Revolt (begun -53), gaining him a military rep. and personal wealth rivalling Pompey, causing the aristocratic party to seek to deprive the upstart of command; meanwhile Cato the Younger unsuccessfully runs for office with an honest campaign, is beaten by the usual crooks, and decides to never run again. Orodes II's son Pacorus I (d. -38) unsuccessfully invades the Roman province of Syria. Roman consuls: Marcus Claudius Marcellus and Servius Sulpicius Rufus. Births: Chinese Xi Han emperor (-33 to -7) Cheng Chen (Chin. "successful) Di (Ao Liu) (d. -7). Deaths: Greek Stoic philosopher Posidonius of Apameia (b. -135); leaves the World Map of Posidonius after measuring the circumference of the Earth as 240K stadia (24K mi.). Greek king Ptolemy XII Auletes (b. -117).

Julius Caesar (-100 to -44) Villa of Livia in Rome, -50 Augustus of Prima Porta Teotihuacan, Mexico

-50 Roman consuls: Lucius Aemilius Lepidus Paullus and Gaius Claudius Marcellus. Pacorus I becomes co-ruler of Parthia with his father Orodes II. Roman orator Quintus Hortensius Hortalis (b. -114) successfully defends Appius Claudius Pulcher of treason and corruption after being accused by Cicero's son-in-law Publius Cornelius Dolabella, then dies of old age and luxurious living. Philo says that the Jewish community in Alexandria has grown to 1M by this year; in two cents. (150 C.E.) it is virtually extinct. Clean-shaven Roman gen. Gaius Julius Caesar (-100 to -44) ends the Gallic Wars (begun -58) by defeating the bearded hick Celtic Aquitani, and subjugates all of Gallia Transalpina, turning it into the new Roman province of Aqua Velva, er, Gallia Aquitania; he then plays the Miles Gloriosus (boastful soldier blowing his own horn) by staying in Bebracte in Gaul and writing his it's-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-Christmas bestsellers The Gallic (Gaullic) Wars (Commentarii de Bello Gallico) (8 vols.) and The Civil Wars (Commentari de Bello Civilli) (3 vols.) to boost his popularity among the clean-shaven sponge-wiped everywhere the Roman roads go, justifying the Gallic Wars as defensive wars made necessary by massive Helvetian migration through the provinces; the Gallic Wars contains the first written description of a reindeer as "an ox shaped like a stag"; in his writings Caesar fails to call the Celts in the British Isles Celts, becoming the first official govt. coverup?; "All Gaul is divided into three parts." (first line) About this year the Roman Legio XV Apollinaris builds a fort on Castle Hill near the Ljubljanica River that becomes the colony of Iulia Aemona (Emona); bout 1200 market rights are granted to Old Square in Ljubljana (modern-day pop. 280K/538K), and in 1220-43 it acquires town privileges; in 1270 it is conquered by King Ottokar II of Bohemia, becoming property of Rudolph of Habsburg in 1278, who gives the admin. to the Counts of Goriza in 1279 until 1335, when it becomes the capital of Slovenian Carniola and is renamed Laibach, enjoying being situated in the middle of the trade route between the Danube River Valley and the Adriatic Sea; the Habsburgs own it until 1797. Architecture: About this time the Romans found the Colonia Iulia Equestris on the site of the Helvetian town of Noviodunum (modern-day Nyon, Vaud), followed in -44 by the Augusta Raurica (Colonia Augusta Rauracorum) on the S bank of the Rhine River 12 mi. E of modern-day Basel in order to block the Helvetii's military routes to Gaul, becoming the oldest Roman colony on the Rhine River. About this time the Villa of Livia is built on the Palatine Hill in Rome for Augustus' wife Livia, which she retires to after his death, surviving to modern times; on Apr. 20, 1863 after a bronze version is vowed to Augustus by the Senate in -20, and a marble copy given to Livia, a marble copy of the Augustus of Prima Porta statue is discovered there. By this time the city of Teotihuacan in Mexico builds the Temple of Quetzalcoatl (feathered serpent god), followed by the 210-ft. Pyramid of the Sun, Pyramid of the Moon (200 C.E.), and Street of the Dead; Quetzalcoatl once destroyed mankind with tornadoes, turning some men into monkeys? - becoming the first Darwin? Pompey the Great founds the Temple of Delubrum Minervae in Rome, where later the Church of Santa Maria sopra Minerva is built. Nonfiction: Anon., Circumnavigation of the Eritrean Sea; describes navigation from Africa to Arabia to India. Inventions: Julius Caesar first uses the Caesar Cypher, a substitution cypher where each letter is replaced by the next one in the Latin alphabet to encrypt official communications. Science: About this time Greek physician Asclepiades of Bithynia (-129 to 40) founds the Methodic School of Medicine, which claims that disease is based on the flow of atoms through pores in the body, advocating hygenic methods (bathing, dieting exercise), and dissing drugs. Births: Roman incorruptible jurist Marcus Antistius Labeo (d. 18). Jewish scholar Shammai (d. 30). Deaths: Roman orator Quintus Hortensius Hortalus (b. -114).

I'll do it if you do it first? What do you see stamped on my forehead, the word Rube? The Rube Rube Rubicon Caesar Civil War Year?

Egyptian Pharaoh Ptolemy XIV (-59 to -44)

-49 In the summer both Julius Caesar and Ptolemy recognize Ptolemy XIII as sole ruler of Egypt, with Cleopatra VII remaining queen in Thebaid, and her other brother Ptolemy XIV (-60 to -44) as co-ruler. After he grants Roman citizenship to the Gauls in the conquered towns of Gallia Cisalpina, Cato the Younger gets the Senate (puppets of his archenemy Pompey) to end Caesar's proconsular command in Gaul, reducing him to civilian status without legal immunity, and orders him to return to Rome without his soldiers (to give him a parade complete with dancing clowns?), causing Caesar (what do you bozos see stamped on my forehead, the word dumbass?) to offer to give up all but one of his provinces and legions if Pompey reciprocates; not waiting for an answer, Caesar gathers his forces in Ravenna and utters the immortal soundbytes: "To leave this stream uncrossed will breed manifold distress for me; to cross it, for all mankind", and "The die is cast", and crosses the Rubicon River in NE Italy (boundary between Gaul and Italy) with one legion (the 13th) like Sulla once did, a no-no that he has no lawful powers to do, starting a civil war in Rome after Pompey as sole consul has the Senate declare him an outlaw; Caesar's ally, tribune Marc Antony flees Rome, and as Caesar closes in, Pompey's army along with the Senate skedaddles, leaving Italy through Brundisium and fleeing to Greece; Caesar enters Rome, gets himself elected consul-commander, legalizes and launders himself, becomes pontifex maximus, then in June defeats Pompey's allies at the Battle of Ilerda (modern-day Lleida) in WC Spain. Han Xuan Di (b. -91) dies, and Han Yuan (Chin. "discerning") Di (Liu Shi) (-75 to -33) becomes Xi Han emperor #11 of China (until -33), going on to promote Confucianism as the official creed of the govt. while the inlaws of empress Wang Zhengjun (-71 to 13) become powerful. Roman consuls: Lucius Cornelius Lentulus Crus and Gaius Claudius Marcellus. Deaths: Chinese Xi Han emperor (-74 to -49) Xuan (b. -91). Judean king-priest Aristobulus II (b. ?); poisoned when en route to Judea with his son Alexander; elder brother of Hyrcanus II (d. -30); father of Antigonus II Mattahias (d. -37).

The Dictator and the Slut in the Rug Year, or, It's always bros before hos?

Cleopatra and the Rug, -48 Roman Gen. Tiberius Claudius Nero (-85 to -33)

-48 The 183rd Olympiad. On Jan. 4 Julius Caesar, having crossed the Adriatic Sea to attack Pompey lands and occupies Oricum and Apollonia in Illyria; on July 10 after Caesar tries to encircle Pompey's position with a series of forts, the Battle of Dyrrhachium sees Pompey's 30K men (mainly new recruits) defeat Caesar's 10K men; too bad, Pompey balks at pursuing Caesar's fleeing troops, believing it's a trap, causing lucky Caesar to utter the soundbyte: "Today the victory had been the enemy's had there been any one among them to gain it"; Caesar withdraws toward Thessaly, with Pompey finally pursuing him, letting Caesar pick his own ground, while Pompey's officers pressure him to attack rather than let them surrender from hunger and exhaustion; on Aug. 9 the Battle of Pharsalus N of the Epineus River in S Thessaly sees Pompey lead nine Roman legions and a force of Greek and Macedonian cavalry, while JC has no cavalry and is outnumbered 2-1, but the tough veteran infantrymen pull the horses around to attack the riders, and eventually Pompey's legions cut and run, 15K falling in battle, until Pompey watches Caesar's soldiers raid his camp, and utters the soundbyte "In the very camp?", deciding to phar-salus to Egypt, hoping to beg Ptolemy XII for refuge, while the rest of his soldiers surrender on Aug. 10; too bad, on Sept. 29 (his birthday) when Pompey (b. -106) takes a rowboat sent to pick him up from Pharos Island, rehearsing a speech in Greek, his old comrades Achillas and Lucius Septimius stab him in the back then then cut off his head, leaving his nude body on the beach to be cremated by his freedman servant Philipus with the remains of the boat for a pyre; on Oct. 2 Caesar lands in Alexandria with 4K men and learns the good news when his head is brought to him in a basket, after which he "turned away from him with loathing, as from an assassin, and when he received Pompey's signet ring on which was engraved a lion holding a sword in his paws, he burst into tears" (Plutarch), after which he later gives the ashes and ring to Pompey's widow (5th wife) Cornelia; Pompey's sons Gnaeus Pompeius and Sextus Pompeius fight on, causing Caesar to spend the next few years mopping up their senatorial faction; meanwhile 21-y.-o. Liz, er, Cleopatra VII (-69 to -30), who has just been defeated by her hubby-brother Ptolemy XIII at Pelusium sees her chance and smuggles herself in to see Caesar rolled in a rug (carpet) (bed cover), pussy-whipping him into fighting for her (a product of generations of incest, tracing back to Alexander the Great's main man gen. Ptolemy, who wants to break the tradition with you, and can also speak that Egyptian talk in bed, who can resist?); actually Caesar orders her and her brother to disband their armies, but fighting breaks out - the 50+ middle age crisis vs. the nubile sweet young thing? It takes two hands to handle his octavian-inch whopper? On Oct. 18 15-y.-o. Octavian (b. -63) has his toga virilis (manhood) ceremony. In Nov. Ptolemy XII's army surrounds Caesar's army at Alexandria, but in Dec. after a battle Caesar wins, captures the palace, takes Ptolemy POW and deposes him, executes his eunuch regent Pothinus, and hands the throne to his babe Cleo Seven (thank you, my dream stove?); Caesar's fleet cmdr. Tiberius Claudius Nero (-85 to -33) is rewarded for his V over the Egyptian navy with a priesthood, plus Roman colonies in Gaul and other provinces; too bad, the Great Alexandrian Library is damaged by fire, and 40K out of 700K vols. destroyed, causing Caesar to order some replacement scrolls sent; Cleopatra's half-sister (daughter of Ptolemy XII Auletes and Cleopatra V) Arsinoe IV (-65 to -41) escapes with help from the eunuch Ganymedes (d. -47) and is proclaimed queen by the mob, and joins an Egyptian army under Achillas which has been sieging the palace for 6 mo., catching Caesar without enough soldiers; Arsinoe IV has Achillas executed and replaced with Ganymedes, who proves able but is despised by the Egyptian officers, who secretly negotiate with Caesar to exchange Arsinoe IV for Ptolemy XIII. Pharnaces II, son of Mithridates VI takes advantage of the Caesar Civil War to seize Lesser Armenia and capture Colchis, then in Oct. defeats Julius Caesar's Asian lt. Gnaeus Domitius Calvinus in the Battle of Nicopolis (Nikopol), then in Dec. defeats Galatian king Deiotarus I near Nicopolis, then captures the Roman ally city of Amisus, selling the pop. to slave traders after castrating all the boys, after which he is forced to turn back to quell revolts in his new conquests. The death of Pompey causes Hyrcanus II and Antipater the Idumean to throw their support to Caesar; meanwhile Cato the Younger and Metellus Scipio refuse to cooncete defeat and escape to Utica in Africa to continue resistance, causing Cato to later be called Cato Uticensis. The city of Massalia (Marseille), which backed Pompey is stripped of its possessions, which are given to its pro-Caesar rival Arelate (Arles) on the Rhone River, which goes on to become one of the main commercial centers of S Europe by the next cent., eventually becoming the #2 city of the Roman Empire after Rome itself, home of the southernmost bridge on the flood-prone Rhone River, which is built on boats. Wang Zhengjun (Ziaoyuan) (-71 to 13) becomes empress of China (until -33). Roman consuls: Gaius Julius Caesar (2nd time) and Publius Servius Isauricus. Science: Chinese astronomers record a nova in the Messier 22 globular cluster; in 2019 a team from the U. of Gottingen discovers its remains. Deaths: Roman gen. Pompey the Great (b. -106) on Sept. 29 in Alexandria, Egypt (murdered). British Celtic king Caswallon (b. ?).

Egyptian Pharaoh Ptolemy XV (Caesarion) (-47 to -30) Herod I the Great of Judea (-73 to -4)

-47 Roman consuls: Quintus Fufius Calenus and Publius Vatinius. On Jan. 14 after Julius Caesar (made dictator again) frees Ptolemy XIII, who joins the attackers, and almost defeats Caesar until reinforcements arrive from Asia Minor, Ptolemy XIII (b. -61) is drowned in the Nile River while trying to flee; Caesar puts Cleopatra VII back on the throne as sole ruler, and she presents herself to the goddess Isis in spring, then on June 23 bears Caesar's son Caesarion (Gr. "little Caesar") (Ptolemy XV Philopator Philometor Caesar) (d. -30); Caesar stays with Cleopatra through the cold, cozy winter despite the Parthians in Asia and Pompey's sons in Africa causing trouble needing his attention? Caesar leaves Egypt for Syria, invades Asia Minor and meets Deiotarus I of Galatia in the dress of a suppliant, and pardons him for having sided with Pompey, allowing him to resume his royal attire while he goes on to Pontus on the S coast of the Black Sea to take on Pharnaces II, winning 47 battles, incl. at Nicopolis, the final one being the Battle of Zela (modern-day Zile, Turkey) in May, where Pharnaces is routed with a small detachment of cavalry; Caesar is so proud of his swift Vs that he sends the immortal soundbyte "Veni, vidi, vici" (I came, I saw, I conquered) to Rome before returning to pack his bags for Africa; meanwhile Pharnaces flees to the Bosphorus, rounds up a small army of Scythians and Sarmatians, regains a few cities, and is KIA by forces of his own former gov. Asandar. On Dec. 28 Caesar lands in Hadrumetum (modern-day Sousse, Tunisia) to finish off the army of Metellus Scipio and Cato the Younger. Antipater the Idumaean is appointed Roman gov. (procurator) of Judea, and appoints his 2nd son Herod I the Great (-73 to -4) as gov. of Galilee. The Celtic Gallic Allobroges town of Vienne in SE France on the Rhone River becomes a Roman colony, becoming the rival of nearby Lyon 20 mi. to the N.

Minus Four Six: the Roman Year of Confusion and Veni-Vidi-Vici Year?

'Battle of Thapsus (-46)' by Andrea Palladio, 1619 Marcus Aemilius Lepidus Junior (-89 to -13) Marc Antony (-83 to -30) Marc Antony (-83 to -30) Marc Antony of Hollywood (1953) Marc Antony of Hollywood (1963) Juba II of Numidia (-52 to 23)

-46 Roman consuls: Gaius Julius Caesar (3rd time) and Marcus Aemilius Lepidus Junior (-89 to -13); Caesar is made prefectus morum and dictator for 10 years. On Jan. 1 after Julius Caesar's babe Cleopatra VII hooks him up with the scientists of Egypt, the solar-based Julian Calendar goes into effect, changing from a lunar to a solar year, with the start of the year from the traditional vernal equinox in late Mar., and making the year 445 days (15 mo.) long this year by imperial decree to bring it back in step with the seasons, making this the "Roman Year of Confusion"; it was designed by Egyptian astronomer Sosigenes of Alexandria, using the ancient Egyptian system of a 365-1/4 day year, and introduces a leap (bissextile) year every 4 years, with a bissextile day added in Feb. (originally Feb. 24, the sixth day before the calends of March, reckoned twice, later changed to Feb. 29); it is quite accurate, slipping by only 3 days every 400 years, plus another 1 day every 3,323 years (11 min. 14 sec. per year), and isn't officially adjusted for 1,627 years (Oct. 15, 1582 C.E.), by which time it has slipped by 12.692 days - and everybody calls himself Christian? On Apr. 6 Julius Caesar defeats a larger army of 40K under Metellus Scipio and Cato the Younger (with 30 elephants and 16K troops supplied by Juba I of Numidia) at the Battle of Thapsus (near modern-day Ras Dimas, Tunisia), and after getting the elephants to panic and trample their own men, causing Juba I's men to flee, the remaining 10K try to surrender to Caesar, but he has them all slaughtered because he just had an epileptic seizure and wasn't quite right?; Scipio escapes, and after Caesar sieges Utica, Cato the Younger commits suicide, stabbing himself with his sword and botching it, causing a physician to stitch him up, after which he tears off his stitches and pulls out his intenstines in order to croak; the news causes Caesar to issue the soundbyte "Cato, I must grudge you your death, as you grudged me the honor of saving your life"; Juba I camps away from Scipio's main army, and after he sees him defeated he flees with his army along with Roman Gen. Marcus Petreius (-110 to -46), until their retreat is cut off, after which they fight each other to meet an honorable death, and Petreius kills Juba then commits suicide with the help of a slave; Juba I's son Juba II (-52 to 23) is brought to Rome by Julius Caesar, and becomes Romanized, becoming known as "the scholar king". On July 24 Caesar returns to Rome, where he celebrates four simultaneous triumphs, wearing the royal purple and the laurel branch, with his VVV slogan painted on his chariot; Arsinoe IV of Egypt is forced to appear in Caesar's triumph, and he breaks with tradition by pardoning her and granting her sanctuary in the Temple of Artemis in Ephesus, but her jealous half-sister Cleopatra VII gets her new boy toy Marc Antony (-83 to -30) to have her executed on the steps of the temple in -41, scandalizing Rome; meanwhile Cleopatra marries her brother Ptolemy XIV, who becomes co-ruler again, and they travel to Rome. In Sept.-Oct. Caesar stages the first known Naumachia (naval gladiator battle) in a basin dug near the Tiber River, with 2K combatants and 4K rowers, all POWs; during the celebrations Cleopatra is brought to Rome and offends many when they display a statue of her as Venus Genetrix - with her Hollywood glam and her hubby Richard's obscene diamonds and other bling bling? After the celebrations end, Caesar goes to Spain to deal with Sextus Pompeius and his elder brother Gnaeus Pompeius. Claudius makes Thrace into two Roman provinces, Provincia Thracia and Moesia Inferior (Lower Moesis) (region N of Mt. Haemus incl. Skopje). Caesar refounds dead Corinth as a Roman colony, Colonia Laus Julius Corinthiensis. Births: Roman Praetorian prefect (? to 15) Lucius Seius (Sejus) (Aelius) Strabo (d. 16) in Volsinii, Etruria; father of Sejanus (-20 to 31). Deaths: Roman Gen. Marcus Petreius (b. -110) in North Africa (suicide). Roman politician Cato the Younger (b. -95) in Utica, Africa (suicide). Numidian king Juba I (b. -85) (KIA). Gallic chieftain Vercingetorix (b. -82) in Mamertine Prison, Rome (strangled by order of Julius Caesar).

Roman Gen. Sextus Pompey (-67 to -35) Marcus Junius Brutus (-85 to -42)

-45 Roman consul: Gaius Julius Caesar (4th time) (without colleague). On Mar. 17 after Pompey's sons Gnaeus Pompeius the Younger (-75 to -45) and Sextus Pompeius Magnus Pius (-67 to -35) escape to the Balearic Islands, hook up with Caesar's former gen. Titus Labienus (-100 to -45), and cross over to Spain and raise a new army, the last Pompeians are defeated by Caesar at the Battle of the Plains of Munda near modern-day Osuna in S Spain, causing the surrender of Legio III Gallica after losing 30K men incl. Titus Labienus, who sees Caesar's ally king Bogud (d. -31) of Mauretania approaching with his army from the rear and takes his cavalry to meet them, which Pompey's men misinterpret as a retreat, causing them to begin breaking, turning into a rout; Gnaeus Pompeius the Younger and Sextus Pompeius escape again, but fail to raise a new army, and within a few weeks Gnaeus Pompeius (b. -75) is caught and executed for treason by Caesar's legatus (gen.) Lucius Caesennius Lento an Etruscan-descent tragedian, who later support Marc Antony; Caesar returns to Rome and is made sole consul, restoring the rights of those proscribed by Sulla; he makes speedy reforms, provides debt relief, cuts the number of people on the public grain dole, raises army pay, transfers the Asian tax collection from publicans to state officials, raises the number of praetors to 16, aediles to 6, quaestors to 40, and senators to 900 by enrolling Italians and Roman citizens from Spain and Narbonensis, and grants Roman citizenship to Cisalpine Gaul, pardoning Marcus Junius Brutus and making him its gov.; he also founds 20 extra-Italian colonies for veterans and poor; Cicero gives up all hope that Caesar will restore the institutions of the Roman republic and establish a Roman constitution; Sen. Gaius Cassius Longinus (-84 to -42), an old officer of Pompey begins a plot to kill Caesar, and finally persuades more respectable senator Marcus Junius Brutus (-85 to -42) (whose ancestor Junius Brutus led the fight to rid Rome of Etruscan king Tarquin the Proud in 509 B.C.E.) to join, then maneuvers him into taking over, after which 60 of the 900 senators (not incl. Cicero) join the conspiracy; too bad, Brutus fails to make the conspirators take an oath of loyalty to each other, and doesn't plot to kill Caesar's right hand man Marc Antony - Caesar's ass becomes grass and they have the lawnmower? Deiotarus I of Galatia is accused at Rome by his grandson Castor of having once tried to assassinate Caesar when he was his guest in Galatia, and he is put in trial in Caesar's home, with Cicero coming to his defense, giving his big Speech in Behalf of King Deiotarus I, with the soundbyte: "For it was King Deiotarus who raised your family, when abject and obscure, from darkness into light. Who ever heard of your father, or who he was, before they heard whose son-in-law he was?"; Caesar's assassination prevents a final verdict, but Marc Antony, after a bribe, announces that Caesar had decided in his favor, and gives him back his territory. Padua in N Italy becomes a Roman municipum. Births: Jewish heir Antipater (d. -4): eldest son of Herod I the Great (-73 to -4) and Doris. Chinese Xin emperor #1 (9-23) Wang Mang (d. 23). Deaths: Roman gen. Titus Labienus (b. -100) on Mar. 17 (KIA in the Battle of Munda). Roman gen. Gnaeus Pompeius the Younger (b. -75) on Apr. 12 (executed for treason).

The Ra Ra Erin Go Brah Roman Et Tu Brute Who Killed Kennedy Year, or, That's What You Get for Wanting to Be the Million Dollar Baby and Not Defending Yourself At All Times? Too-close-to-a-king-for-comfort Caesar is assassinated to stop Rome from having a king, causing the Caesar Period of Rome to end and a 13-year civil war to begin, after which their worst nightmare, the Roman Empire begins, starting with the Julio-Claudians CATC2N (Caesar, Augustus, Tiberius, Caligula, Claudius, Nero), who get cat scratch fever and turn the Roman state into the personal possession of not only kings but super-king emperors for the next 500 years (until 476 C.E.)?

Julius Caesar (-100 to -44) Assassination of Caesar, Mar. 15, -44 Assassination of Caesar, Mar. 15, -44 Assassination of Caesar, Mar. 15, -44 Assassination of Caesar, Mar. 15, -44 Assassination of JFK, Nov. 22, 1963 Decimus Junius Brutus Albinus (d. -43) Comosicus of the Getae (d. -28)

-44 The 184th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Gaius Julius Caesar (5th) and Marcus Antonius. The government gets rid of its own leader, with the Roman LBJ Octavian waiting in the wings, but this time they don't try to coverup the fact that it's a conspiracy or frame a lone gunman? In Jan. popular-with-plebeians Julius Caesar is appointed dictator (imperator) for life at his own request, and twice magnanimously refuses the crown of a king, although he renames the 5th Roman month Quintilis to Julius (July) as he were, performing all kinds of questionable actions to boot; but like true Italians, the aristocrats don't get mad, they get even with anybody even within a Roman mile of becoming a king, so on Mar. 15 (Wed.) (the Ides of March) (a.m.) after ignoring the entrail-examining Haruspices, soothsayer Spurrina ("Beware the Ides of March"), and his own wife Calpurnia Pisonis (b. -75) (who dreamed of their house collapsing, or, according to Shakespeare, of a statue of him streaming with blood while smiling men bathed their hands in it), plus a note pressed into his hand in the street on his way to the Senate (that reads "Beware of Brutus, take heed of Cassius, come not near Casca" according to Shakespeare) by defecting conspirator Artemidorus (which he is too busy to read), 55-y.-o. Gaius Julius (Gr. "child of Jove") Caesar (Lat. "hairy") (b. -100) is assassinated (after stupidly arriving unarmed and without bodyguards, trusting to luck, goodwill of the people, fate, whatever, and setting a precedent for future suicidal U.S. presidents like Lincoln and JFK?) as he sits in his gilded chair at the head of the Senate Curia (Hall of Pompey) at the foot of a giant statue of his late arch-rival Pompey (poetic justice?) by a group of 60 senators concealing daggers in their togas, who all approach at the same time, with Lucius Tullius Cimber (d. -42) asking him to pardon his exiled brother and being refused, then grabbing his purple robe from his shoulders, causing Caesar to shout "Why, this is violence!", after which the first blow is struck by tribune of the people Publius Servilius Casca Longus (-84 to -42) (who is standing behind him) in the back of the neck (Plutarch) or breast (Appian), which doesn't hurt him very badly, allowing old soldier Caesar to catch him by the arm, crying "Casca, you villain, what are you doing?", as he runs his arm through with his writing stylus, causing him to cry to his brother Gaius Servilius Casca in Greek "Help, brother!", after which the others, incl. Gaius Cassius Longinus (-86 to -42), Caesar's good friend Marcus Junius Brutus the Younger (-85 to -42), Caesar's Massilian naval cmdr. Decimus Junius Brutus Albinus (-85 to -43), and poet Gaius Cassius Parmensis (-74 to -30) (from Parma) close in and beginning stabbing Caesar before he can leap to his feet, instead hiding his head in his robe so nobody can see his face and using his left hand to hold his toga as he falls, ultimately receiving 23 dagger holes in his toga, groaning only at the first stroke, although he might have (should have?) uttered the immortal soundbyte "Et Tu, Brute?" ("You too, Brutus?") (really "Tu quoque, fili me?", meaning "You too, my son?) (really the Greek phrase "Kai su, teknon?", meaning "You too, my child?) to Marcus or Decimus Brutus (who are from the #1 bluebood line of Rome, descending from big 509 B.C.E. hero Junius Brutus, who led the overthrow of the the Etruscan kings and started independent Rome going, meaning that if he's in it they're all in it) (or maybe the first words of the well-known Greek saying "You too, my son, will have your taste of power", meaning he will end up the same way?), who stabs him in the groin and is wounded by another senator's dagger in the flurry of stabbing; meanwhile Gaius Trebonius (-92 to -43) (appointed suffect counsul by Caesar in -45, and proconsul of Asia this year) keeps Marc Antony busy outside the Senate while the dirty work is going on; after the assassins exunt stage right, three slaves carry him home on a litter with one arm hanging out, after which physician Antistius conducts the first known forensic homicide investigation and (after counting the dagger holes, coming out 23 just like Jim Carrey (1962-) told ya?) concludes that only one (the 2nd?) stroke (to the breast) was mortal; 1,643 years later (1599 C.E.) William Shakespeare writes the immortal play Julius Caesar, dramatizing the event, incl. the soothsayer, wife Calpurnia's dreams, his own big mouth ("The omens shall be what Caesar makes them be") ("Et tu, Brute?"), etc.; on Mar. 17 the Roman Senate meets, and Marc Antony surprises the backstabbers by not demanding their arrest, but agrees to let them go unpunished if they approve Caesar's will and allow him a proper public funeral, and after they bite he tries some real speechifying, reading Caesar's will on Mar. 20 to the crowd in the Forum, going on about how his gardens along the Tiber River are to be turned into a public park, every Roman citizen is to be given 300 sesterces ($15), and what a great guy this stabbed-in-the-back man of the people was, expertly fanning the crowd into a frenzy, shouting for the assassins' blood (get em', boys?), causing them to cremate the body on an improvised pyre, then begin the 13-year Post-Caesarian (Liberators') Roman Civil War (ends -30); after Caesar's aristocratic murderers come to bad ends as the People with a capital P bring them down, future aristocrats get smart and begin using puppet murderers so they can hide behind the curtains and cut the strings when the People begin to investigate; too bad, Antony's hopes of being adopted by Caesar and becoming the next king are shattered when he reads the rest of the will, which names Caesar's 18-y.-o. grandnephew Octavian (Gaius Octavius Thurinus) (-63 to 14) as his adopted son and sole heir Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus (that covers all eight octaves?), and in early Apr. after his mommy Atia Balba Caesonia (-85 to -43) and adoptive daddy (hubby since -59) Lucius Marcius Philippus (d. -43) (lifelong fence-sitter, who sat out the war between Caesar and Pompey) fail to talk him out of it, the lucky devil returns from Apollonia in Dalmatia to Rome to take up his inheritance, starting out on the wrong foot on Apr. 18-21 by offending Cicero (who is orating against Antony) by trying to charm the fat pompous ass, and in June Antony is granted a 5-year governorship of N-C Cisalpine and Transalpine Gaul, spending Caesar's fortune instead of giving it to the people like he promised in his funeral speech, and marching N to claim his province of Cisalpine Gaul, allowing Octavian to sells his own possessions to pay them himself and play the hero, causing many legions to switch allegiance to him; meanwhile Brutus and Cassius flee to raise an army in the east, and Cassius captures Dolabella in Laodicea, Syria; Cleopatra VII flees to Alexandria, has her brother-consort Ptolemy XIV asp-assinated (poisoned) on July 26, and on Sept. 2 declares her 4-y.-o. son Caesarion as her co-regent Ptolemy XV Caesarion, king #16 (last) of the Egyptian 32nd (Ptolemaic) Dynasty; too bad, this year Egypt has the first in a series of bad harvests. On Sept. 2 Cicero delivers the first of his 14 Philippics (Philippicae), fulminating oratorical attacks on Antony - come here you great buffoon? In Dec. after Decimus Junius Brutus Albinus uses his office of praetor peregrinus to stay away from Rome and holes-up in his own province to form an army, then refuses an order from the Senate to surrender his province, Antony sieges him in "most beautiful" (Cicero) Mutina (modern-day Modena, Italy) (same place his daddy holed-up against Pompey in -78), while Octavian lurks in Rome. Not one but two assassinations in one year? King (since -82) Burebista of Geta-Dacia is murdered, and the conspirators divide up his kingdom, with high priest Comosicus (d. -28) claiming the throne; Julius Caesar had been planning to invade them before his assassination? Macedonia again becomes a senatorial province under the jurisdiction of a Roman gov. Births: Roman gov. of Syria (17-19) Gnaeus Calpurnius Piso (d. 20). Deaths: Roman dictator Julius Caesar (b. -100) on Mar. 15 in Rome (assassinated near the Theater of Pompey with 23 dagger holes in his toga); an autopsy finds 23 wounds, only one fatal. Egyptian pharaoh Ptolemy XIV on July 26 (assassinated). Dacian king Burebista (b. ?).

The Rome Year in Duh, Rome? What's going on, what's going on, or, If you're happy and you know it clap your hands? The biggest power play in Rome since Bon Jovi?

Aulus Hirtius (-90 to -43) Gaius Vibius Pansa (d. -43) Temple of Mars Ultor, -43 Emerald Buddha, Bangkok, -43

-43 Roman consuls: Aulus Hirtius and Gaius Vibius Pansa. In winter a volanic eruption in Okmok Island in the Aleutian Islands causes the Nile River to fail to flood this year and next, causing famine in Egypt. Does it hurt, you patsy mutineers? On Apr. 14 after veteran political survivor Cicero turns the Senate against Marc Antony, causing them to send consuls Aulus Hirtius (b. -90) and Gaius Vibius Pansa Caetronianus (b. ?) (accompanied by Octavian) N in separate armies to relieve the siege of Mutina, Antony defeats and mortally wounds Pansa at the Battle of Forum Gallorum, after which Antony is defeated in a surprise attack by the army of it-hurts-all-over Aulus Hirtius. On Apr. 21 Cicero gives his Last (14th) Philippic, backing Octavian in becoming defender of Rome against Antony with a special propraetorian command of both of the senatorial armies; too bad, Cicero then makes the mistake of turning on Octavian, uttering the soundbyte: "The young man is to be honored, to be praised, and to be pushed aside", plotting with Brutus and Cassius to fragment Caesar's followers and restore the power of the Senate, allowing Octavian to frame him as an accessory to Caesar's murder after the fact - the original Donald Trump "You're fired", tried on the wrong guy? On Apr. 21 Marc Antony is defeated in the Battle of Mutina by a coalition of Octavian and Caesar assassin Decimus Junius Brutus Albinus, causing Antony to retreat N into Transalpine Gaul to join Marcus Aemilius Lepidus Junior; Hirtius (b. -90) dies on Apr. 25-27 from wounds received in the battle, and after Decimus Brutus tries a rapproachment with Octavian but is blown off, and is put in charge of an army to war with Antony, only to see many of the soldiers desert, he flees to join Marcus Junius Brutus and Gaius Cassius Longinus in Macedonia, but is killed en route by a Gallic chieftain loyal to Antony, becoming the first of Caesar's assassins to be killed. In July after demanding a consulship and being refused, Octavian marches S to Rome without opposition, neutralizes Cicero's clique and forces a special election, which he wins on Aug. 19, being formally recognized as Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus, Julius Caesar's adoptive son, rendering Cicero and his senators kaput and in the denial stage; too bad for them, Octavian abandons his fair weather friends and gets laws passed calling for the prosecution of Caesar's assassins, adopting his uncle, er, father Caesar's old tactic of inviting his rivals to help him defeat his enemies, and on Nov. 26 meets with Antony and Lepidus in Bononia, entering an official autocratic Lex Titia creating the Second Triumvirate, with a 5-year commission to reform the state, after which they proceed to work together to punish their enemies, executing 300 senators (incl. Cicero on Dec. 7) and 2K equestrians; you're-so-good Antony gets the Senate to officially recognize the revamped Roman city of Colonia Copia Claudia Augusta Lugdunum (Colonia Copia Felix Munatia) (AKA Lugudunum from Gael. "desired mountain") (modern-day Lyons, France, pop. 506K/2.2M) in Cisalpine Gaul at the confluence of the Rhone and Saone Rivers (58 mi. NW of Grenoble) for settlement of Roman refugees of the the war with the Allobroges, who had been expelled from Vienne and were encamped nearby, while Octavian attempts to best Caesar by beginning the construction of a new, larger Roman Forum, featuring the ultimate Temple of Mars Ultor, as well as the Tabularium for public archives - extra, extra, read all about it? By summer Cleopatra VII gains control of Cyprus, and backs the Second Triumvirate against the assassin party of Brutus and Cassius. About this time Octavian Augustus conquers the Celtic city of Tricasses, and turns it into the city of Augustobona (modern-day Troyes), and it becomes a strategic crossroads on the Agrippa Way from Milan to Boulogne; its name changes to Tricassium in the 3rd cent. C.E. and Trecae in the 5th cent. C.E. Art: Nagasena creates the Emerald Buddha figurine in Pataliputra (modern-day Patna, India); it is taken to Sri Lanka 300 years later, ends up in Cambodia in 457 C.E., and finally ends up in Thailand in modern times. Births: Roman poet Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso) (d. 17) on Mar. 20 in Sulmo (modern-day Sulmona in C Italy); trained as a lawyer, he inherits his father's property and goes to Athens, then Asia and Sicily with fellow poet Aemilius Macer, living a promiscuous party lifestyle, going through three wives by age 30, and having an affair with "Corinna". Medean princess Iotapa (d. ?); daughter of Artavasdes I; consort of Mithridates III of Commagene. Deaths: Greek physician Themison of Laodicea (b. -123). Roman corrupt praetor Gaius Verres (b. -120) in Massilia (Marseille) (in exile): "A man needs three years in a post - the first year to steal enough money to make himself rich, the second to provide the money to hire the best legal defense team, and the third to accumulate the bribes for the judge and jury to ensure that he escapes justice." Roman statesman-orator-philosopher Marcus Tullius Cicero (b. -106) on Dec. 7 in Formia (executed); the early Roman Catholic Church declares him a righteous pagan, causing many of his works to be preserved; Petrarch rediscovers his letters, helping launch the 14th cent. Renaissance; leaves De Oratore (On the Orator), De Re Publica (On the Republic), De Legibus (On the Laws), Brutus, Orator, Hortensius (On Philosophy) (lost) (teaches that genuine human happiness is to be found by embracing and using philosoophy), De Divinatione (On Divination), De Natura Deorum (On the Nature of the Gods), De Oficiis (On Duties or Obligations), Letters to Atticus, Letters to My Brother Quintus, Letters to Brutus, Letters to Friends: "History is the teacher of life" (Historia magistra vitae est); "What is more unwise than to mistake uncertainty for certainty, falsehood for truth?"; "Memory is the treasury and guardian of all things"; "In times of war the law falls silent"; "A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious, but it cannot survive treason from within. An enemy at the gates is less formidable, for he is known and carries his banner openly. But the traitor moves amongst those within the gate freely, his sly whispers rustling through all the alleys, heard in the very halls of government itself. For the traitor appears not a traitor; he speaks in accents familiar to his victims, and he wears their face and their arguments, he appeals to the baseness that lies deep in the hearts of all men. He rots the soul of a nation, he works secretly and unknown in the night to undermine the pillars of the city, he infects the body politic so that it can no longer resist. A murderer is less to fear. The traitor is the plague." Roman mime writer Decimus Laberius (b. -105). Roman statesman Quintus Tullius Cicero (b. -102) (executed). Judean gov. Antipater the Idumean (b. -100); poisoned by Malchus, fellow Jew and rival supporter of Hyrcanus II, causing a power struggle. Roman sen. (Caesar assassin) Gaius Trebonius (.b -92) in Jan. in Smyrna (murdered by Publius Cornelius Dolabella). Roman breed mare (Augustus' mom) Atia Balba Caesonia (b. -85) in Sept.-Oct. Roman suffect consul (after Caesar's assassination) Publius Cornelius Dolabella (b. -70) in Laodicea (murdered). Roman statesman (Caesar assassin) Decimus Junius Brutus Albinus (b. -85) in Italy en route to Macedonia (murdered by a Gallic chieftain loyal to Marc Antony); first of Caesar's assassins to be killed. Roman consul Aulus Hirtius (b. -90) on Apr. 25-27 (KIA). Roman consul Gaius Vibius Pansa Caetronianus (b. ?) on Apr. 23 (KIA).

Livia Drusilla (-58 to -29)

-42 On Jan. 1 Octavian Caesar is officially divinized (proclaimed a god) because of a comet that appeared at his games in -44, and he becomes "the son of god". Tiberius Claudius Nero, who stepped on his toga back in -44 by suggesting that the assassins of Caesar be rewarded for their services to the state is forgiven because of his past services to Caesar, and is elected praetor, marrying his relative Livia Drusilla (-58 to 29); too bad, he later goes with Antony over Octavian, and is forced to flee Rome next year with his babe and newborn son Tiberius Jr. (b. -42), AKA future emperor Tiberius. After Caesar assassin Gaius Cassius Longinus invades his professed ally Rhodes and massacres Caesar's friends, rifles the temples and seizes the public treasury (breaking its power, although it continues to be a seat of learning), on Oct. 3 the First Battle of Philippi in Macedonia (Antony and Octavian vs. Brutus and Cassius) is a push after Brutus is successful but Cassius' forces are defeated and he orders his own freedman to kill him; on Oct. 23 Antony and Octavian defeat Brutus in the Second Battle of Philippi, in which 40K are killed and Antony emerges a hero, while Brutus falls on his sword; the Roman Repub. is kaput, and the victors divide the Roman Empire, with the West going to Octavian, Gaul and the East to Antony, and Africa to Lepidus; Thessalonica becomes a free city for its support of Octavian. Herod divorces his first wife Doris and becomes engaged to Mariamne I (-54 to -29), daughter of Alexandra Salome and granddaughter of his patron Hyrcanus II; hehas to wait five years for her to reach marriageable age (16); Doris and her son Antipater are banished from the royal court (until -14). Hortensia, daughter of consul Quintus Hortensius Hortalus gives a speech to the Second Triumvirate that results in the partial repeal of a tax on wealthy Roman women. Roman consuls: Marcus Aemilius Lepidus Junior and Lucius Munatius Plancus. Births: Roman emperor #2 (14-37) Tiberius (Tiberius Claudius Nero Caesar) (d. 37) on Nov. 16 in Fondi; son of Tiberius Claudius Nero (-85 to -33) and Livia Drusilla (-58 to 29). Deaths: Roman sen. (Caesar assassin) Gaius Cassius Longinus (b. -86) on Oct. 3 in Philippi (killed by his freeman Pindarus at his order); "Yon Cassius has a lean and hungry look; He thinks too much: such men are dangerous" (Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar", 1.2.190-5). Roman sen. (Caesar assassin) Marcus Junius Brutus (b. -85) on Oct. 23 in Philippi (suicide); according to Dante, Brutus, his brother-in-law Gaius Cassius Longinus, and Judas Iscariot are the only three sinful enough to be chewed in the three mouths of Satan. Roman noblewoman Porcia Catonis (b.?) (suicide); wife of Brutus. Roman soldier Gaius Antonius (b. ?); brother of Marc Antony (-83 to -30).

Marc Antony of Rome (-83 to -30) Fulvia of Rome (-83 to -40)

-41 Roman consuls: Publius Servilius Isauricus and Lucius Antonius. Cleopatra VII is invited by Roman big dick Marc Antony (Marcus Antonius) (-83 to -30) to meet in Tarsus, and she puts on a royal show that turns him on, "sailing up the river in a barge with a gilded hull and outspread sails of purple, while oars of silver beat time to the music of flutes and fifes [6-hole?] and harps. She herself lay under a canopy of gold, dressed like Venus, and beautiful children, like painted Cupids, stood on each side to fan her. Her maids were dressed as sea nymphs. Some of them stood steering at the rudder and others worked the sail-ropes while the sweet scent of perfumes drifted from the boat to the shore" (Plutarch); they become lovers and return to Alexandria together where they galavant about drunk with love, Antony letting his army go to pot so he can walk like an Egyptian with perfumed poon, babbling about needing Egypt in his war with Parthia and returning the old Ptolemaic territories to her. Octavian's policy of confiscation leads to a war against Antony's wife Fulvia (-83 to -40) and brother Lucius Antonius, and he sieges them along with Claudius Tiberius Nero at the Battle (War) of Perusia (Perugia) (ends -40).

Big year for Marc Antony's balls?

Alexander III the Great Helios of Macedon (-356 to -323) Augustus Big Hair Augustus Small Hair Mattathias Antigonus (d. -36) Vitruvian Man

-40 The 185th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Gaius Asinius Pollio and Gnaeus Domitius Calvinus. Perusia (Perugia) falls, and Octavian kills Fulvia and Lucius Antonius; Claudius Tiberius Nero flees to Praeneste then Naples, where he unsuccessfully tries to raise a slave army to fight Octavian, flees to Sextus Pompey, who is leading a gang of pirates in Sicily, then joins Marc Antony in Achaea. In spring after Marc Antony's request for troops from Rome for Asian wars is denied, he rushes to Rome to attend a meeting of the triumvirs, and on Oct. 1 the Treaty of Brundisium averts war, with widower Antony marrying Octavian's sister Octavia (widow of Gaius Claudius Marcellus), and moving to Athens with her; meanwhile back in Rome Octavian first lays eyes on Tiberius Claudius Nero's wife Livia (after the treaty allows him to return), causing him to fall in love at first sight and begin hooking up with her, despite being married to Scribonia; meanwhile Octavian attempts to calm the suspicions of the republicans (aristocratic families) that he isn't trying to set up a monarchy by having his big-hair arrogant Alexander the Great style (Alexander Helios) statues replaced by small-hair serious humble statues, getting hundreds of copies distributed as the first political propaganda portrait? During the fighting over control of Alexandria in the wake of the assassination of Caesar, either part of the Library at Alexandria is burned or else the books that Caesar gave to Cleopatra in -48 are shipped back and lost, causing Marc Antony to donate the 200K-scroll library from Pergamum (modern-day Bergama, Turkey) to replenish it. On Dec. 25 Cleopatra VII bears boy-girl twins by Marc Antony, Cleopatra Selene II (Cleopatra VIII) (-40 to -6) and Alexander Helios (-40 to -25). King Malicus I of Nabataea helps the Parthians under Pacorus I overrun Syria and Palestine, where the Jews consider them as liberators against Rome-backed Herod; Aristobulus II's son Mattathias (Mattathiah) Antigonus (the Hasmonean) (Antigonus II Mattathias) (d. -37), last scion of the Hasmonean Dynasty captures Hyrcanus II, and is appointed king of Judea in Jerusalem by Parthia (until -37); Herod I the Great is ambushed by Antigonus near Bethlehem at the site of the future fortress of Herodium, but he beats them and flees to Rome. The Celtic Boii, now settled by the Danube and Mura Rivers with main town at Bratislava, and known for minting high quality Biatec coins are defeated by the Dacians under king Burebista, causing their lands to become known as "Deserta Boiorum", after which they pose no threat to anyone, although the Latin word "Boia" becomes a joke since it's a play on the Latin word for a convicted criminal's restraint collar? About this year Kulula Kadphises of the Yuezhi (Yuechi) founds the Kushan Dynasty in NW India (ends 225 C.E.), going on to conquer most of N India, while the Sakas (Scythians) hold on in W India despite repeated expulsion attempts by the Andhra Dynasty. Architecture: Lucius Cocceius Auctus designs and builds the 700m-long Crypta Neapolitana, two dark and dusty 10-ft.-wide (9-70 ft. high) tunnels connecting Naples and Pozzuoli to ease traffic bottlenecks around Naples, with the part in Naples known as the Piedigrotta ("foot of the grotto") and the W end known as the Fuorigrotta ("outside the grotto"); the Pedigrotta becomes the site of the tomb of poet Virgil. Inventions: To complement the seed-planting machine, the rotary-winnowing machine is invented in China - rice, rice, baby? Nonfiction: In this decade the Ayurveda is compiled from verbal sources dating back several cents., and becomes the basic Hindu medical treatise, surviving to modern times as an alternative medicine manual. Formiae-born Roman architect-engineer Marcus Vitruvius Pollio (-80 to 16) (who dies during the reign of Augustus) writes De Architectura Libri Decem (Ten Books on Architecture), the first modern engineering handbook, an encyclopedia of Augustan architecture from engineering and sanitation to acoustic vases, discussing the Vitruvian Water Wheel, the first record of a vertical undershot (water below) waterwheel, featuring 5:1 gearing for better grinding, and mentioning gold amalgam (gold dissolved in mercury); used by Leonardo da Vinci to make his Vitruvian Man (1487 C.E.). Births: Egyptian princess (last member of the Ptolemaic Dynasty) Cleopatra Selene (Gr. "moon") II (Cleopatra VIII) (d. 6) and Egyptian prince Alexander Helios (d. -30) on Dec. 25 in Alexandria; twin children of Cleopatra VII (-69 to -30) and Marc Antony (-87 to -30); Selene becomes wife of King Juba II of Numidia; mother of Ptolemy of Mauretania (-1 to 40) and Drusilla of Maurenia (5-); ancestor of 3rd cent. Queen Zenobia of Palmyra. Deaths: Greek physician Asclepiades of Bithynia (b. -129). Galatian Celtic king Deiotarus I (b. -105).

-39 Roman consuls: Gaius Calvisius Sabinus and Lucius Marcius Censorinus. After lobbying by Marc Antony, Herod I the Great is appointed rival king of Judea (until -4) by the Roman Senate, soon beginning a campaign to recapture it from Antigonus the Hasmonean with the aid of the Romans under Gen. Gaius Sosius (gov. of Syria and Cilicia since last year), and returns to Galilee in the spring. Sextus Pompey, son of Pompey the Great, who since Munda (-45) has led a naval war against the Caesarians, gains control of Sicily, Sardinia and the Peloponnese, then cuts off Rome's grain supply; in the summer after Octavian fights two indecisive naval battles with him and loses his fleet in a storm, Rome is forced to recognize him in the Treaty of Misenum. In Oct. Augustus divorces his 2nd wife Scribonia for his new babe Livia Drusilla on the day of the birth of their (with Scribonia) daughter Julia the Elder (-39 to 14), who becomes Augustus' only natural child; meanwhile after Livia gets pregnant with hubby Tiberius Claudius Nero's son Nero Claudius Drusus I (Decimus Claudius Drusus) (-38 to 9), (later Germanicus) the latter is forced to divorce her 3 mo. before she gives birth next Jan. 14, then Octavian marries her on Jan. 17, with TCN giving her in marriage "just as a father would" (Dio Cassius) - Augustuses don't break the law, they make the law? Births: Roman breed mare Antonia Major (the Elder) (d. ?) in Aug./Sept.; daughter of Marc Antony (-83 to -30) and Octavia; wife of Lucius Domitius; grandmother of Nero and Messalina. Roman breed mare Julia Major (the Elder) (Julius Caesaris Filia) (Julius Augusti Filia) (d. 14) on Oct. 30 in Rome; only natural child of Augustus and 2nd wife Scribonia; born on the day of her divorce from Augustus so he can marry Livia Drusilla. Deaths: Roman gen. Quintus Labienus (murdered).

Livia Drusilla (-58 to -29) Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa (-64 to -12)

-38 Roman consuls: Appius Claudius Pulcher and Gaius Norbanus Flaccus. Jan. 1 becomes the first day of the year per orders of Octavian. On Jan. 17 Octavian marries his 3rd wife Livia Drusilla (-58 to 29), ex-wife of Tiberius Claudius Nero, and mother of 4-y.-o. future emperor Tiberius, whom Octavian adopts as his son; at the time of marriage she is pregnant from her previous marriage, giving birth to Nero Claudius Drusus in Mar. Roman gen. Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa (Lat. "born feet-first") (-64 to -12), under orders of Octavian successfully quells an uprising along the Rhine River. The Parthian invasion of Roman Syria under Orodes' son Pacorus I is beaten back by the Romans under Publius Ventidius Bassus at the decisivive Battle of Mount Gindarus (Cyrrhestica), and Pacorus I is KIA, causing a succession struggle with corroded old fart Orodes II and his many sons. Marc Antony gives parts of Cilicia and Chalcis to Cleopatra VII, and lets her govern as vassal parts of Phoenicia, Judaea, Cyrenaica, and Crete, maintaining cordial relations with Herod I the Great. The city of Cologne (Köln) (modern-day pop. 1M/3.5M) on both sides of the Rhine River in modern-day North Rhine-Westphalia near the German borders with Belgium and Netherlands 28 mi. SW of Dusseldorf and 16 mi. NW of Bonn is founded by the Cisrhenian Germania Ubii tribe as Oppidum Ubiorum; in 50 C.E. it is renamed Colonia Claudia Ara Agrippinensium; in 85 C.E. it becomes the capital of the Roman province of Germania Inferior, located on an important trade route between E Europe and W Europe. Births: Roman gen. Nero Claudius Drusus Germanicus (Drusis I) (Drusus Major) (Drusus the Elder) (Decimus Claudius Drusus) (d. -9) on Jan. 14; younger son of Tiberius Claudius Nero (-85 to -33) and Livia Drusilla (-58 to -29); brother of Tiberius; future stepson of Augustus; grandfather of Caligula; great-grandfather of Nero. Roman breed mare Julia Antonia Minor (the Younger) (d. 37) on Jan. 31; youngest daughter of Marc Antony (-83 to -30) and Octavia Minor; favorite niece of Augustus; wife (-16) of Nero Claudius Drusus; mother of Germanicus (-16 to 10), Livilla (-13 to 31), and Claudius (-10 to 54).

Herod I the Great of Judea (-73 to -4) Phraates IV of Parthia (d. -2) Virgil (-70 to -19)

-37 Roman consuls: Lucius Caninius Gallus and Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa. Goodbye Maccabees, hello Herod? In June rabbi-murdering Herod I the Great (-73 to -4/-1) conquers Jerusalem with the help of his patron and ally Marc Antony's gen. Gaius Sosius, becoming Roman client king of Judea, Idumea, Samaria, Batanea, Aurantis, Trachonites, Peraea, and Galilee; a hated Edomite (descended from Esau, elder fraternal twin brother of Jacob, father of Israel, who sold his brithright to Jacob for a pot of red lentil stew, after which their tribes split, Esau's tribe AKA the Edomites settling to the E and S of the Dead Sea, and Jacob's tribe AKA the Jews settling to the W and N), the Roman act of setting Herod I up over them as king is a huge slap in the face; Herod I has the last Hasmonean ruler Mattathiah Antigonus slain by Antony's orders, and marries Mariamne I of Samaria (a princess of the Hasmonean line) to consolidate his position with the Jews; Herod I devotes himself to developing and beautifying Jerusalem, building walls, towers, and palaces, and starting in 19 B.C.E. orders the Second Temple (516 B.C.E.) rebuilt and vastly enlarged, expanding the Temple Mount, buttressing the courtyard with blocks of stone weighing up to 100 tons, doubling its size, and doing the unthinkable by creating a courtyard for women, and another for dirty defiled genital-exposing gentiles, a desecration sparking patriotic Jewish resistance movements complete with several Messiahs, all duds; of course Jesus Christ was one of them, but his followers later claim that being a dud was part of the plan, and was a victory after all as his execution caused Jehovah to judge the Roman Empire and doom it, the original Jews don't get mad they get even; Robinson's Arch is built at the SW corner; construction on the Jewish Temple continues until 64 C.E. ; old fart Hyrcanus II is released by the Parthians and invited to Herod I's household along with Mariamne's brother Jonathan Aristobulus III (d. -35) (who becomes high priest) and her mother Alexandra (close friend of Cleopatra VII), who allies w+ith the remaining Hasmoneans. Marc Antony fights several expensive battles in Asia, and thinks with his head and settles in Alexandria, telling wife Octavia to go back to Rome; he then campaigns against the Parthians, and is saved from falling in battle by the Third Gallica Legion, causing him to make it his main legion; meanwhile Octavian engineers the Second Pact (Treaty) of Tarentum, signed by him, Antony, and Lepidus, renewing the Second Triumvirate for five more years (until -33), while ceding Sicily, Sardinia, and Corsica to Sextus Pompey; novus homo ("self-made man") Titus Statilius Taurus of Lucania is sent by Marc Antony with a fleet to aid Octavian in his war against Sextus Pompey. Phraates IV (d. -2), son of Orodes II becomes king of Parthia after killing his corroded father and 30 brothers. The Koguryo (Goguryeo) Dynasty in N Korea (ends 668 C.E.) is founded by king Dongmyeong. Architecture: Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa creates the Portus Julius (Iulius) in Puteoli (modern-day Pozzuoli) near Naples, which becomes the home port for the Roman western imperial fleet (Classis Misenensis). Poetry: Virgil (-70 to -19), Ten Bucolics (Ecologues); his first major work, modeled after Theocritus' "Idyls"; the Fourth Ecologue predicts the birth of a child who will usher in a golden age of peace and prosperty, later taken by Christians to mean Jesus Christ. Deaths: Jewish ruler Antigonus II Mattathias (executed by order of Marc Antony). Parthian king Orodes II.

Roman Gen. Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa (-64 to -12) Sextus Pompey (-67 to -35)

-36 The 186th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Marcus Cocceius Nerva and Lucius Gellius Publicola. Octavian's fleet under Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa (-64 to -12) defeats rebel Sextus Pompey (Sextus Pompeius Magnus Pius) (-67 to -35) (youngest son of Pompey the Great by 3rd wife Mucia Tertia) at the naval Battle of Mylae in Aug. and the naval Battle of Naulochus on Sept. 3 in Sicily, cementing Octavian's rule over the Roman Empire; Sextus Pompey flees to Greece, where he is executed; Lepidus half-heartedly supports Octavian, then attempts to take over Sicily, is deserted by his troops, kicked out of the Triumvirate and kept in luxurious captivity in Rome until his death; the new troops double Octavian's legions to 22; Octavian and Antony split Roman territory between them east-west, and Antony invades Parthia, but bogs down and fails to take Phraapsa (capital of Media Atropatene), then retreats to Egypt, losing 22K men in his retreat through Armenia, then rejects Octavia's offer of aid in favor of his main squeeze Cleopatra VII, who gives him a 3rd child, marrying her even though still married to Octavia - I tell my wife I love her but she never believes me 'cause she doesn't love herself? In Oct.-Dec. the Battle of Zhizhi in Taraz, Kazakhstan on the Talas River is a V for the Han under Gan Yanshou and Chen Tang over Zhizhi Guduhou Chanyu (Xiongnu), who is KIA. Brogitarix dies, and his son Amyntas (d. -25) becomes the last king of Galatia (until -25). Poetry: Virgil (-70 to -19), The Georgics (Art of Husbandry) (-36 to -29); a farming manual, modeled after Hesiod, which makes him the #1 Roman poet, and gives all Romans their fairy tale of really being rural agriculturists - enjoy your early morning rush with a sausage McMuffin with egg? Births: Jewish prince Alexander (d. -7); son of Herod I the Great (-73 to -4) and Mariamne I. Egyptian prince Ptolemy Philadelphus (d. -29) in Aug./Sept. in Antioch, Syria; 3rd (last) child of Cleopatra VII (-69 to -30) and Marc Antony (-83 to 30). Roman breed mare Vipsania Agrippina; daughter of Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa (-64 to -12) and Pomponia Caecilia Attica.

Horace (-65 to -8)

-35 Roman consuls: Lucius Cornificius and Sextus Pompeius. Octavian campaigns in Illyricum (Illyria) (ends -34), and declares it a Roman province; he invades Pannonia and occupies Siscia (Sisak). The town of Orange in SE France on the Rhone River (13 mi. N of Avignon) is founded by veterans of the Second Gallica Roman legion on the site of the Celtic town of Arausio (named after a Celtic water god), also the scene of a big battle in -105; they also call it Colonia Julia Firma Secundanorum Arausio. Poetry: Horace (-65 to -8), Satires, Vol. 1 (first work); pub. after serving as an officer in the defeated repub. army at the Battle of Philippi in -42 and becoming friends with Octavian's right-hand-man Maecenas, becoming "a well-mannered court slave" (John Dryden), and "master of the graceful sidestep" (Quintillian), establishing his rep as #1 poet of the Augustan Age. Births: Jewish prince Aristobulus (d. -7); son of Herod and Mariamne I. Deaths: Greek historian Alexander Polyhistor (b. -105) in Laurentum (dies in a house fire, after which his wife commits suicide); leaves History of the World (42 vols.) (lost), Succession of Philosophers (lost) (mentions the Pythagorean advice to not eat beans), and History of the Jews, which also gets lost. Roman sen. Sextus Pompeius (b. b. -67) in Miletus (executed). Judean high priest Jonathan Aristobulus III (b. ?) (drowned).

-34 Roman consuls: Marcus Antonius and Lucius Scribonius Libo (replaced by Aemilius Lepidus Paullus). Octavian, accompanied by Titus Statilius Taurus pacifies Dalmatia, Illyricum, and Pannonia, founding the town of Emona (modern-day Lyublyana) on the Sava River, with Taurus left behind to command troops stationed there; meanwhile Octavian's rival Marc Antony conquers Armenia, expels the Parthians from Syria and Palestine and celebrates a triumph in Alexandria with Cleopatra VII, where Cleo Baby is called "the New Isis" and "Queen of Kings"; in the fall the Donations of Alexandria are pub., naming his children by Cleopatra VII, Alexander Helios (-40 to -29), Cleopatra Selene II (Cleopatra VIII) (-40 to -6), and Ptolemy Philadelphus (-36 to -29) as kings and queens with various eastern Roman territories distributed to them, and declaring Octavian a usurper of the rightful heir Caesarion, while visions of a new world order dance in their heads; Marc Antony sets Cleopatra VII up as pharaoh of Egypt, and she proceeds to piss-off the pop. by enacting the first-ever Egyptian tax on beer - they're playing our song? In 34 B.C.E. 6-y.-o. Alexander Helios (-40 to -25), son of Marc Antony and Cleopatra, and pretender to the thrones of Armenia, Media, and Parthia is betrothed to his 9-y.-o. distant relative Princess Iotapa (b. -43), daughter of Median king Artavasdes I, who ends up with the party of Marc Antony until his death in -30, then marries Mithridates III of Commagene - your baby is how old, two? Deaths: Roman historian Sallust (b. ?).

-33 Roman consuls: Imperator Caesar Augustus (Octavian) (1st time) and Lucius Volcacius Tullus. Han Yuan Di (b. -75) dies, and his son Prince Ao becomes Han Chengdi (-51 to -7), Xi Han emperor #12 of China (until -7), going on to let the Wang clan close its grip on power while corruption and greed plague his govt. Deaths: Chinese Han emperor (-48 to -33) Yuan (b. -75). Roman sen. Tiberius Nero (b. ?); father of emperor Tiberius.

-32 The 187th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Gnaeus Domitius Ahenobarbus and Gaius Sosius - is that like the Soshs and the Greasers? Introducing Alexandria Hydrocolor lipstick from Olive Garden? The Triumvirate runs out again and is not renewed; in July after Antony divorces Octavia for Cleo you know who, stirring anti-Egyptian feelings, the Roman Senate declares war on Marc Antony and Cleopatra VII, and Octavian turns the Antonian consuls and 300 senators to him, then gets the West to swear an oath of allegiance to him as dux (military leader), publishing Antony's alleged will bequeathing the East to Cleopatra to cement their loyalty - the Western World is in the balance because of a skirt? Architecture: The new Temple of Neptune on the Campus Martius near the Circus Flaminius is begun by consul Gnaeus Domitius Ahenobarbus in honor of his naval V at Philippi over Gnaeus Domitius Calvinus.

The Roman Revolution Period (begun -133) ends when Rome's ass acne is popped, and the Principate begins (ends 476)?

-31 Roman consuls: Imperator Caesar Augustus (2nd time) and Marcus Valerius Messala Corvinus. On Sept. 2 after Octavian is elected consul and declares war against Cleopatra, Octavian's admiral Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa defeats Antony and Cleopatra VII at the naval Battle of Aspium, er, Battle of Actium, a promontory in NW Greece in the Ionian Sea; each side has 500 war ships and 40K legionaries (with Titus Statilius Taurus switching sides and commanding Octavian's land force), but Antony's soldiers believe he has been bewitched (pussy-whipped?) and many refuse to fight, incl. Antony's land forces, which surrender to Taurus; Antony's ally Herod the Great claims he can't help him because he has to keep the Nabateans in check; Cleopatra breaks through a line of Octavian's ships to avoid capture (thinking Antony is dead?), and Antony thinks with his head (nose?) and runs after her, leaving most of his fleet behind, insuring a big D, after which Herod sticks to his dental plan called avoidance and goes to Rhodes to offer his loyalty to Octavian, becoming his close brown-nosing friend; the D is really a tactical V since it allows Antony and Cleo to break out of an isolated position at Actium?; either way, Octavian now controls the East. Architecture: The Roman fortress of Masada near the Dead Sea is completed.

As Messy As It Gets, or, Somewhere, Somehow, Somebody Must Have Kicked You Around Some? Crooked Hillary, er, Cleopatra gives up her asping career, and the Roman Tampax, er, Pax Romana begins (ends 180 C.E.), as no country is strong enough to threaten Rome, despite the hopes and dreams of millions of downtrodden slaves?

Roman Gen. Octavian (-63 to 14) Roman Gen. Marcus Agrippa (-63 to -12) Marc Antony (-83 to -30) Cleopatra VII of Egypt (-69 to -30) Cleopatra VII of Hollywood (1963) Virgil (-70 to -19)

-30 Roman consuls: Imperator Caesar Augustus (3rd time) and Marcus Valerius Messala Corvinus. Early in the year Herod I the Great visits Octavian at Rhodes, leaving his wife Mariamne I in the care of Joseph and Soemus with orders to execute her if he doesn't return; Octavian confirms Herod as ruler of Judea, allowing Herod to kill former king and high priest (Maccabee) Hyrcanus II on suspicion of plotting against him with the Nabateans, and suppress the last of the Hasmoneans. 16 big game days, 2 superheroes, one very special family room? In summer Julius Caesar's chosen heir Octavian (Gaius Octavius) (-63 to 14) marches his armies around the Aegean, through Asia Minor and into Egypt; in July Marc Antony (b. -83) defends Alexandria from Octavian's Gen. Marcus Agrippa (-63 to -12), but his men desert, he is told that Cleopatra is dead, and falls on his own sword; on Aug. 1 Octavian captures Alexandria, and annexes Egypt as the Roman Province of Egypt (ends 641 C.E.); the Roman V gives them direct access to the Malabar Coast in India, allowing them to begin importing precious black pepper; on Aug. 12 aging 39-y.-o. Cleopatra VII (b. -69), after trying unsuccessfully to pussy-whip Octavian and negotiate to keep her Ptolemaic kingdom intact and keep her kids, only to learn that she is to be brought to Rome in chains as a common POW commits suicide at age 39 in Alexandria with an asp (Egyptian cobra) in a fig basket, becoming Egypt's last pharaoh; William Shakespeare never calls it an asp, preferring the term "pretty worm of Nilus" in Antony and Cleopatra, Act 5 Scene 2: "Poor venomous fool, be angry, and dispatch"; Cleopatra's servant Charmion (Charmian) greets some messengers, who ask, "Was this well done of your lady?", answering "It is well done, and fitting for a princess/ Descended of so many royal kings", as portrayed by Isabelle Cooley in the 1963 film Cleopatra, with the line: "Extremely well, as befitting the last of so many noble rulers" - don't have to live like a refugee? No one is predictable, not even a huckster? In Aug. teen prom queen Ptolemy XV Caesarion (b. -47) is strangled, ending the last dynasty of ancient Egypt, the Ptolemaic Dynasty (begun -305); Augustus orders the doors of the Temple of Janus closed for the 1st time since -235, indicating that Rome is finally at peace; the rest of Cleopatra's children are raised certified organic by Octavia; so much Egyptian loot fills Roman coffers that interest rates slide from 12% to 3%, increasing Octavian's popularity; up to 50 obelisks are shipped to Rome in huge specially-designed ships; Rome begins surpassing Egypt in intellectual supremacy? On Dec. 5 emperor (since -98) Sujin (b. -148) dies, and his son Suinin (-69 to 70) becomes Japanese Yamato emperor #11 (until 70) - Westerners are all mudbloods in comparison? Malichus I dies, and his son Obodas III (d. -9) becomes king of the Nabataeans. Kanva Dynasty king (last) (since -40) Susarman is killed by Balipuccha, who founds the Andhra (Satavahana) Dynasty in the Deccans of India incl. modern-day Andhra Pradesh, Maharashtra, and Telangana, going on to expand to parts of modern-day Gujarat, Karnataka, and Madhya Pradesh while fighting off the Saka Western Satraps et al.; capitals incl. Pratisthana (Paithan) and Amaravati (Dharanikota); Brahmanism and Buddhism are both supported, along with Prakrit lit.; coins bear images of the rulers; the dynasty forms a culture bridge to the S tip of India; the dynasty fragments by the early 3rd cent. C.E. About this time Babylon-born Jewish Pharisee sage Hillel the Eder (-110 to 10) founds the House of Hillel in Jerusalem, which later rejects upstart Jesus Christ and the Gospels in favor of the Mishnah and the Talmud, and takes the mass of the Jewish people with them until the 5th cent. C.E. The Hellenistic Period of Greek sculpture (begun -323) ends. Architecture: Herod I the Great rebuilds the hilltop fortress of Machaerus E of the Dead Sea. Nonfiction: Horace (-65 to -8), Satires, Vol. 2. Births: Roman jurist Gaius Ateius Capito (d. 22). Deaths: Japanese Yamato emperor #10 (-97 to -30) Sujin (b. -148) on Dec. 5. Roman gen. Marc Antony (b. -83) in July in Alexandria (suicide): "I shall be a good politician, even if it kills me, or if it kills anyone else for that matter." Egyptian pharaoh Cleopatra VII (b. -69) on Aug. 12 in Alexandria. Egyptian pharaoh Ptolemy XV Caesarion (b. ?) in Aug. (executed). Roman wannabe emperor Marcus Antonius Antyllus (b. ?); son of Marc Antony and Fulvia; his and his babe Cleo's graves aren't found until ?. Greek pretender Alexander Helios (b. -41) (executed). Judean king and high priest Hyrcanus II (b. ?); executed for treason by order of Herod I the Great; younger brother of Aristobulus II (d. -49).

Tiradates I of Parthia (d. -27) Roman Gen. Titus Statiulius Taurus Amphitheater of Statilius Taurus, -29

-29 Roman consuls: Imperator Caesar Augustus (4th time) and Sextus Appuleius. Octavian is granted the title of imperator, and for the 3rd time in Roman history the doors of the Temple of Janus are closed to signal peace - your house, make it a Maxwell House? Marcus Licinius Crassus the Younger, grandson of the Spartacus butt-kicker Marcus Licinius Crassus the Elder (d. -53) campaigns successfully in the Balkans (Moesia), conquering the town of Sardica (Serdica) (modern-day Sofia), and killing king Deldo of the Bastarnae in single combat; Roman emperor Marcus Ulpi Trajan later renames the town Ulpia Serdica after his daddy; too bad, Crassus is denied the centuries-old right to dedicate the spolia opima by Octavian, who on Aug. 13-15 celebrates his own triple triumph for his threpeat Vs of Illyria, Actium, and Alexandria, giving credit to the god Apollo; Octavian reduces the number of legions from 60 to 29, and settles 57K veterans in colonies, effectively killing the Roman Repub. by opening up the govt. to equestrians and Italians, extending Roman citizenship beyond Italy to the provinces, and taxing the upper classes to pay the vets; eventually he reduces the number of legions to 28 (150K men), who receive regular pay and retire after 20 years with land and a money bonus; an equal number of non-citizen auxiliary soldiers are recruited, who serve 25 years and then receive Roman citizenship. The Cantabrian (and Asturian) Wars (end -19) in NW Spain begin with the Romans under Octavian (Augustus) waging a bloody war of conquest of the last independent nations in Hispania, incl. the Cantabri (Cantabrians) in N coastal Spain, the Astures in modern-day Leon (known for riding horses and raising cattle in the highlands while living in circular huts of stone drywall construction), and the Gallaeci in modern-day Galicia in NW Spain, requiring eight legions w/auxiliaries totaling 50K troops; Roman gen. Titus Statilius Taurus is sent to Spain, bloodily defeating the Astures, Cantabrians, and Vaccaei centered around modern-day Valladolid at the confluence of the Pisuerga and Esgueva River, and gaining great wealth, which he uses to hire a private bodyguard of German slaves and build the Amphitheater of Statilius Taurus, the first stone ampitheater for gladiatorial contests at the S end of the Campus Martius in Rome, opening with a series of gladiator fights that make him popular with the people, who give him the right to name a praetor each year, becoming the model for more incl. the Theater of Pompey, the Theater of Marcellus, and the Theater of Balbus; too bad, it is destroyed by fire in 64. Jealous Herod has his beautiful wife Mariamne I (b. -54) executed on charges of adultery, with the connivance of her mother Alexandra; he then flip flops, and his grief and remorse leads him to illness and seriously neglect of his kingdom. Augustus restores Juba II as king of Numidia (until -27), becoming a loyal client. Tiradates I (d. -27) becomes rebel king of Parthia (until -27). Abgar III (d. -26) begins ruler of Osrhoene (until -26). Architecture: The first Roman imperial cult temple in Asia is built, dedicated to Octavian Augustus in Pergamon, and he gives permission for a temple in Ephesus to be jointly dedicated to Roma and Divus Julius. The Amphitheater of Statilius Taurus, the first stone ampitheater for gladiatorial contests is built in the S end of the Campus Martius in Rome by Roman gen. Titus Statilius Taurus, becoming the model for more incl. the Theater of Pompey, the Theater of Marcellus, and the Theater of Balbus; too bad, it is destroyed by fire in 64. Poetry: Horace (-65 to -8), Occidit Daci Cotisonis Agmen (Crushed in the Band of Dacian Cotiso) (Mar. 1). Virgil (-70 to -19) begins writing the 12-vol. Homer ripoff Aeneid, about Trojan hero Aeneas, who wanders to Italy and has a love affair with Queen Dildo, er, Dido of Carthage, who commits hair-kari, then visits the underworld, where his father Anchises' shade tells him about the unborn heroes of Rome; Aeneas and his Trojans then arrive on the Tiber River, ally with King Latinus of Latium, ally with the Greeks and Etruscans, and kick rival Turnus' butt; women are "fickle unstable things". Deaths: Jewish queen Mariamne I (b. -54) (executed). Egyptian prince Ptolemy Philadelphua (b. -36) in winter. Roman statesman-scholar Marcus Terentius Varro (b. ?).

-28 The 188th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Imperator Caesar Augustus (5th time) and Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa (2nd time). Herod executes Alexandra for scheming during his illness. The earliest record of sunspots by Chinese astronomers begins on May 10. Architecture: On Oct. 9 Octavian dedicates a 2nd Roman Temple of Apollo on the Palatine Hill.

Good things come to those who become gods as the 40-year Age of Living God Roman Emperor #1 Augustus begins? (ends 14)

Roman Emperor Augustus (-63 to 14) Marcus Terentius Varro (-116 to -27) Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa (-64 to -12) Roman Pantheon, -27

-27 The original Awesome Blossom? In Jan. Octavian declares the republican govt. restored to the "Senate and people", and offers to resign his position as consul, but the Senate, wisely noting how he retains exclusive control of the army by apparently dividing the provinces between him and them, with the ones with the fewest troops going to them, gives him the position of princeps (first citizen), then, after he graciously refuses the title of Romulus, on Jan. 16 gives him the title Imperator Caesar Divi Filius Augustus (Emperor Caesar Exalted or Revered One Son of God), with the title augustus heretofore reserved for gods, beginning the emperor worship cult, magnanimously mounting the pantheon of month-gods by renaming the 6th month Sixtilis after himself (August), and shortening February so that he can make it as long as July, while juggling other months to their modern-day lengths; "Behold the man - the promised one, of whom you know - / Caesar Augustus, son of a god, predestined to rule/ And to restore the Golden Age to Latium,/ Where Saturn used to rule. His empire will extend/ Beyond the Garamants and Indians, over lands/ In the far north and south of the stars of the zodiac/ And the yearly path of the Sun" (Virgil); Augustus fixes the number of senators at 600; he receives an enormous proconsular province incl. Spain, Gaul, Syria, and Egypt (the grain supply of Rome), governed by loyal salaried "legati Augusti pro praetore" with long terms of office, and bypasses senators by appointing equestrians into prefect positions, incl. prefectus annonae (grain supply), prefectus vigulum (fire dept.), prefectus Aegypti (governing Egypt as Octavian's private possession), and prefectus praetorio for his new Praetorian Guard (ends 312), consisting of nine cohorts (one less than a normal legion) of 500 men scattered through Italy, each with 12 (later 16) year terms and special pay privileges, incl. the right to station in Rome, which spooks the citizens until they get used to it, after which he increases each cohort to 1K men; he puts his vast private wealth into an imperial treasury (fiscus), kept distinct from the Senate's aerarium; Augustus divides Gaul into four admin. regions, Gallia Narbonensis (from the Alps to the Cevennes Mts.), Aquitania (bounded on the N by the the Loire River, and containing 14 more tribes than in Caesar's days), Gallia Lugdunensis (between the Loire, Seine, and Saone Rivers, with capital at Lugdunum or Lyons), which incl. the Belgic tribe of the Veliocasses (Velocasses) and their capital Rotomagus (modern-day Rouen, pop. 111K/655K) on the Seine River in Normandy, and Gallica Belgica (between the Seine and Rhine Rivers, to the North Sea); rank and file soldiers are prohibited from marrying for the next two cents., although the order is widely ignored?; the org. lasts until the 4th cent. C.E.; Achaia (Greece excluding Macedonia) becomes a Roman senatorial province, with Corinth as capital; Ephesus becomes the capital of the proconsular province of Asia (until a little after 297 C.E.); "If we compute the number and duration of the reigns, it will be found that a period of six hundred years is filled by sixty emperors, incl. in the Augustan list some female sovereigns, and deducting some usurpers who were never acknowledged in the capital, and some princes who did not live to possess their inheritance. The average proportion will allow ten years for each emperor - far below the chronological rule of Sir Isaac Newton, who, from the experience of more recent and regular monarchies, has defined about eighteen or twenty years as the term of an ordinary reign." - Gibbon, Ch. 48. The Andhra Dynasty conquers the Sunga Dynasty of Magadaha, extending from S to C India, vying with the Sakas for control of the Deccan. Architecture: Augustus' gen. of the east Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa (-64 to -12) (father-in-law of Tiberius, maternal grandfather of Caligula, and maternal great-grandfather of Nero) builds the Roman Pantheon in celebration of the Battle of Actium; it burns down in 80 C.E., is rebuilt in the 2nd cent. C.E., and becomes a Christian church in 609 C.E.; Agrippa goes on to assist Augustus in making Rome a city of marble, renovating aqueducts, building baths, porticoes, and gardens, making high quality public services available to all classes. The N statue of the Colossi of Memnon in Egypt is shattered by an earthquake, according to Strabo. Births: Chinese Xi Han emperor (-7 to 1) Ai (Chin. "lamentable") Di (Xin Liu) (d. 1); nephew of emperor Cheng (-51 to -7). Deaths: Roman historian Marcus Terentius Varro (b. -116); leaves 74 works (620 vols.), incl. "Nine Books of Disciplines", which uses the liberal arts as organizing principles, later reduced to the seven classical liberal arts; only "Rerum Rusticarum Libri Tres" (Three Books on Agriculture) survives to modern times; his Varronian Chronology of ancient Rome is based on the list of consuls; "There are bred certain minute creatures which cannot be seen by the eyes, but which float in the air and enter the body through the mouth and nose and cause serious disease."

Juba II of Numidia (-50 to 23) and Cleopatra Selen (-40 to -6) Porticus Octaviae

-26 Roman consuls: Imperator Caesar Augustus (7th time) and Titius Statilius Taurus. There is an earthquake in Egypt that destroys the Temple of Karnak and the Colossi of Memnon, according to Strabo; on Aug. 12, 1940 Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung writes: "It was the prelude to the destruction of all temples, because a new time had begun." To reward him for campaigning with him in Spain, Augustus marries Juba II of Numidia (-50 to 23) to Cleopatra Selene II (-40 to -6), daughter of Cleopatra VII of Egypt and Mark Antony of Rome, giving her a large dowry and making her queen of Mauretania (modern-day Morocco, W Algeria, and Ceuta and Melilla in Spain) in her own right; they name their new capital Caesaria (modern-day Cherchell, Algeria), and ramp up Mauretanian trade in the Mediterranean, incl. purple dye for stripes on senatorial robes after sending a party to Iles Purpuraires to learn the process; Tingis (modern-day Tangier) becomes a major trade center; Augustus appoints Juba II gov. of Gades (modern-day Cadiz) and Carthago Nova (modern-day Cartagena). Tiridates invades Parthia and issues coins dated Mar. and May. Augustus hears orator Gavius Silo (known for the soundbyte that the role of eloquence is to conceal eloquence), which is later mentioned by Seneca. Roman control of W Spain (Hispania) is consolidated by the campaigns of Augustus. Dioteimus Alaieus becomes an archon of Athens. The Romans under Aelius Gallus invade Arabia Felix (Yemen), and get totally defeated - Arabs were madass way before they went Muslim? Abgar III, and is succeeded by Abgar IV Sumaqa as ruler of Osrhoene (until -23). The first Indian ambassador from the Tamil Pandyan Dynasty in S India is sent to Rome. Architecture: About this time the Porticus Octaviae in Rome is built by Augustus in honor of his sister Octavia Minor, replacing the 2nd cent. B.C.E. Porticus Metelli, enclosing the Temple of Jupiter Stator and Temple of Juno Regina next to the Theater of Marcellus, and adorned with foreign marble and many famous works of art enumerated in Pliny's Natural History; it burns in 80 C.E., is restored by Domition, and burns again in 203 C.E., and is restored by Septimius Severus and Caracalla; in 442 C.E. an earthquake destroys two columns, which are replaced by an archway; about 770 C.E. the Church of Sant'Angelo in Pescheria (Holy Angel in the Fish Market) is built in the ruins, and ends up being used as a fish market until about 1900. Births: Roman courtier, writer and advisor of Nero Gaius Petronius Arbiter (d. 66) in Massalia (modern-day Marseille).

-25 Roman consuls: Imperator Caesar Augustus (8th time) and Marcius Junius Silanus. About this time Rome passes Chang'an (Changan), China as the largest city on Earth. In 25 B.C.E. Octavian brags about planning a campaign against Nubia and Arabia, sending two armies into Ethiopia and Arabia Felix; Herod's troops accompany Aelius Gallus on their military expedition to Arabia Felix this year and next. Octavian marries his daughter (by 2nd wife Scribonia) Julia to his sister's son Marcus Claudius Marcellus (-42 to -23), becoming her first of three marriages. Herod's troops accompany Aelius Gallus on a military expedition to Arabia Felix this year and next. Amyntas is ambushed by men working for the widow of the prince of Homonada (Hoinona), whose hubby he had killed, and Galatia in C Asia Minor, formerly controlled by wild Gaulish Celts and now filled with loads of Greeks becomes a Roman province, causing the pop. to be referred to as Gallo-Graeci; wild, warlike Pisidia N of Lycia in S Asia Minor (modern-day Antalya Province, Turkey) becomes part of it. The Romans under Gen. Marcus Agrippa conquer the Celt-Iberian settlement of Salduba on the right bank of the Ebro River in NE Spain (170 mi. NE of Madrid), and turn it into the Roman city of Caesar Augusta, which later becomes Saragossa (Zaragoza), capital city of Aragon in the 12th-15th cent. (modern-day pop. 666K); after their V over the Cantabrians, Augustus closes the doors of the Temple of Janus (last time -30). Sao-hiko tries to seize the throne of Yamato emperor Suinin. Inventions: Roman oyster grower Sergius Orata allegedly invents the hypocaust, a system for heating villas and public baths by raising the floor on pillars and venting the furnace through the spaces then out through flues in the roof. Architecture: Agrippa builds the Thermae Agrippae thermal baths in Rome, becoming the first in Rome, and the first imperial baths. Births: Greek grammarian Apion (d. 45); head of the Alexandrian school. Egyptian Hellenized Alexandrian Jewish philosopher Philo Judaeus (Philo of Alexandria) (d. 50) in Alexandria, Egypt; uncle of Tiberius Julius Alexander and Marcus Julius Alexander (16-44) - Plato and Moses should get together and agree on God? Roman "De Medicine" physician Aulus Cornelius Celsus (d. 50). Deaths: Roman biographer Cornelius Nepos (b. -100); leaves Lives of Eminent Commanders.

-24 The 189th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Imperator Caesar Augustus (9th time) and Gaius Norbanus Flaccus. Tripoli in N Africa is conquered by the Garamantes of S Libya. Something familiar, something peculiar, something for everyone, comedy tonight? Herod I the Great marries his 7th wife Mariamne II, daughter of Simon Boethus, son of Alexandrian priest Boethos; Herod has Simon elevated to the high priesthood. Octavian founds Nicopolis (Gr. "city of conquest") in Epirus in NW Greece about 6 mi. N of Preveza in memory of his big V at nearby Actium in -31, and in -27 founds the Actian Games (held every five years) in honor of the god Apollo, to whom he had promised a new temple on the morning of the battle, and builds a temple to the god Neptune on the site of his encampment right where his tent had been; most of the city's public bldgs. are financed by Ho Ho Ho Herod da Great?

Twenty-three skidoo, an emperor rules you?

-23 Roman consuls: Imperator Caesar Augustus (10th time) and Aulus Terentius Varro Murena. About this time the city of Rome is divided into 14 numbered admin. regions, all but one on the E side of the Tiber River. It was like Cirque de Soleil? 10-time consul Octavian resigns to give others a chance at prestige, then receives imperium maius ("greater command than others") and becomes proconsul, then tribune of the people (tribunicia potestas) (power of a tribune), with the power to introduce and veto legislation and convene the Senate, control elections, and nominate candidates of his choice, allowing him to control the state without himself holding office; his "household" begins to run Rome, substituting for the Senate, as he becomes Rome's first emperor - China's got nothing on Rome now? The Kingdom of Kush in Meroe (Mero√ę) in Nubia under Queen Amanirenas (Amanirena) (Imanarenat) (Candace) (Kandake) attacks Roman Egypt with border raids in the Thebaid near the First Cataract, sieging Syene and its Roman garrison and enslaving the pop. then looting Egyptian statues and artifacts before 10K Romans under Gaius (Publius) Petroius (-75 to -19) chase them back to Nubia and raze the capital city of Napata next year, enslaving the pop. and sending 1K back to Augustus for the games, then signing a peace treaty that gets most of them back. Architecture: After buying a house from Quinus Hortensius near the Hut of Romulus, Augustus begins the 2-story Imperial Palace (House) of Augustus on the Palatine Hill, which seems modest but contains vast substructures; the word "palace" later comes from Palatine. Herod builds the hilltop fortress and summer pleasure palace of Herodium 7.5 mi. S of Jerusalem near Bethlehem. Poetry: Horace (-65 to -8), Odes (4 vols.) ("5-word jewels sparkling forever"); "Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori" (Sweet and glorious it is to die for our country) (Book 3, Ode 2, Line 13); "Non omnis moriar" ("I shall not completely die") (Book 3, Ode 30); Ars Poetica. Births: Herod Archelaus (d. 17); son of Herod and his Samaritan wife Malthace. Deaths: Roman Octavian's nephew and son-in-law Marcellus (b. ?).

-22 Roman consuls: Lucius Arruntius and Marcus Claudius Marcellus Aeserninus. Augustus bans aristocratic women from fighting in the arena. Augustus journeys to the E, visiting Athens, Eleusis, the Peloponnese, Samos, Syria, etc. Herod I the Great begins building the coastal town of Caesarea Maritima (ends -10). Herod's sons Alexander and Aristobulus travel to Rome for their education (ends -17), living for a time with Augustus himself.

Julia Major (-39 to 14) Diodorus Siculus (-90 to -21)

-21 Roman consuls: Quintus Aemilius Lepidus and Marcus Lollius. Augustus' faithful lt. Marcus Agrippa marries his daughter and only child Julia Major (the Elder) (-39 to 14) (her 2nd marriage); they have three sons incl. Gaius Caesar (b. -20) and Lucius Caesar (b. -17), whom Augustus adopts as his sons, and Agrippa Posthumous, and two daughters, Julia Minor and Agrippina I (Major). Births: Antipas; son of Herod I the Great (-73 to -4) and Malthace. Deaths: Greek historian Diodorus Siculus (b. -90); leaves Bibliotheke Historike (Historical Library), a 40-vol. history of the world in 3 parts written in -60 to -30, covering 1,138 years from Creation to the Trojan War, from the Trojan War to the death of Alexander the Great, and from thence to the start of Caesar's Gallic Wars; books 1-5, 11-20, and parts of 21-40 survive; gives an account of slave labor gold mining in Nubia, and the pesky Celts, which he claims live in S France and are separate from the Gauls, who live to the N of them.

The Nose Knows No News Year? The first image-conscious Roman dictator sets the Western style for the next 2K years?

Augustus of Prima Porta, -20 Parthians Returning Roman Standards, -20

-20 The 190th Olympiad. Roman consuls: Marcus Appuleius and Publius Silius Nerva. Augustus arrives in Syria and recovers Roman standards captured from Crassus and Antony in three wars against Parthia, reaching a diplomatic settlement with Parthia whereby a compromise Arcasid candidate governs Armenia, which becomes a buffer zone; Augustus then has the bronze Augustus of Prima Porta made, showing him standing in his military uniform barefoot, with the right arm raised and the left arm lowered, both hands pointing the index finger, and a portrait on his breastplate of him accepting the surrender of the Parthians, portraying him as a prince of peace who's bringing Rome a golden age and the Pax Augusta, while retaining the traditional Republican families in good shape; meanwhile he wipes out and/or buys his opponents in the Senate to solidify his absolute monarchy, while letting his symbols work for him to fool the complacent sheeplike public into being content, becoming the original Big Lie Coverstory used by all future European dictators; on Apr. 20, 1863 a marble copy of the statue is discovered in the Villa of Livia. Perea becomes part of Herod the Great's kingdom; the region of Paneas (Paneion) (Panias) )Bamoas_ (named after the Greek god Pan) at the foot of Mount Hermon N of the Golan Heights is given by Augustus to Herod, who builds a white marble temple dedicated to him. Births: Roman Praetorian prefect (15-31) Lucius Aelius Sejanus (Seianus) (d. 31) on June 3 in Volsinii, Etruria; son of equestrian rank Praetorian prefect (until 15) Lucius Seius (Sejus) (Aelius) Strabo (-46 to 16) (son of Marcus Seius Strabo and Terentia, sister of Aulus Terentius Varro Mureno and Terentia, wife of Maecenas) and 2nd wife Cosconia Lentuli Maliguensis Gallita. Philip the Tetrarch (d. 34); son of Herod I the Great (-73 to -4) and Cleopatra of Jerusalem.

Gaius Sentius Saturninus

-19 Roman consuls: Quintus Lucretius Vespillo and Gaius Sentius Saturninus. The Cantabri (Cantabrians) (modern-day (Basques) in NW Spain and SW France, known for car-door ears and their Euskera (Euskara) language unrelated to anything else known are defeated by the Romans under Marcus Agrippa, ending the Cantabrian Wars (begun -29), and NW Spain is completely conquered and absorbed into the Roman province of Hispania Tarraconensis (ends 459 C.E.) N of Hispania Lusitania (modern-day Portugal) and Hispania Baetica (modern-day Andalusia) - until they invent gunpowder and Coca-Cola to make kalimotxo AKA cold pussy? On Oct. 12 after returning from the east, Octavian dedicates a new altar to Fortuna Redux (fortune the home-bringer); meanwhile Roman poet Virgil (Vergil) (-70 to -19) travels to Greece and Asia to revise his Aeneid, and meets Augustus in Athens, then returns with him to Italy, taking ill before embarking, then dying after arriving at Brundisium, giving orders to destroy his ms. of Aeneid, which Augustus countermands, getting it pub. by Varius and Plotius Tucca. The Romans under Marcus Agrippa use the help of a virgin to discover a source of pure water 8 mi. (13km) from Rome, building the 14-mi.-long (22km) aqueduct Aqua Virgo, which feeds the Baths of Agrippa and is used for 4 cents.; after it is revived in the 17th cent. C.E. as the Acqua Vergine, its terminal point is at the junction of three roads (It. "tre vie") in Rome that become the site of the Trevi Fountain (finished 1762). Births: Roman historian Marcus Velleius Paterculus (d. 31). Deaths: Roman prefect of Egypt Gaius Petronius (b. -75). Roman poet Virgil (Vergil) (b. -70) on Sept. 21 in Brundisium; dies of fever en route to Greece with Augustus; buried in the Parco di Virgilio in Piedigrotta, 2 mi. from Naples on the road to Pozzuoli; leaves the 10-year-labor-of-love The Aeneid (begun -29) unfinished, with directions to destroy it, but Augustus orders his executors Lucius Varius Rufus and Plotius Tucca to finish it with as few changes as possible; first line: "Wars and a man I sing"; "We are not all capable of everything."

-18 Roman consuls: Gnaeus Cornelius Lentulus and Publius Cornelius Lentulus Marcellinus. Augustus begins his fatherly program of social improvement, starting with moral legislation, getting the Lex Iulia de Maritandis Ordinibus passed, regulating marriage among the social orders, followed next year by the Lex Iulia de Adulteriis Coercendis, making adultery a crime punishable by banishment on different islands - that's the jam? Augustus lets Marcus Agrippa share his tribunicia potestas. Beginning of the Paekche (Baekje) Dynasty in SW Korea (ends 660 C.E.). Architecture: Herod I the Great starts actual rebuilding of the Temple of Jerusalem after years of work on the Temple Mount.

-17 Roman consuls: Gaius Furnius and Gaius Junius Silanus. On May 31-June 3 Roman emperor Augustus celebrates a new age (century) with the Ludi Saeculares religious games, a revival of the Ludi Terentini (-249) - express yourself? Herod I the Great travels to Rome to bring home his sons and negotiate their betrothals with Augustus, Alexander with Glaphyra, daughter of King Archelaus of Cappadocia, and Aristobulus with his cousin Berenice, daughter of Herod's sister Salome. Births: Germanic Cherusci chief and nat. hero Arminius (Hermann) (Lat. "armed man or army man") (d. 21); his tribe inhabits modern-day Brunswick and Hanover.

Roman Gen. Marcus Lollius (-55 to 2)

-16 The 191st Olympiad. Roman consuls: Publius Cornelius Scipio and Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus. Augustus leaves Rome for Gaul, leaving his friend Titus Statilius Taurus as prefectus urbi, making him the last man to hold multiple Roman consulships until Tiberius in -7. The Romans begin expanding their territory W along the Danube River, creating the Celtic provinces of Noricum, bounded by the Danube River on the N, Rhaetia and Vindelicia on the W, and Pannonia on the E and SE, and Rhaetia (Raetia) (Etruscan?), W of Pannonia and N of Italy; too bad, Roman gen. Marcus Lollius (Paulinus?) (-55 to 2) (gov. of Gallia Comata) is defeated by the Germanic Sugambri at the Battle of Vindobona (modern-day Vienna, pop. 1.9M/2.6M) on the Danube River with his V Alaudae legion losing its eagle standard, causing emperor Augustus to become determined to end the pesky German problem once and for all, but ending up making Vindobona a frontier town, fortifying it next year. After defeating the Belgic Treveri (Treviri), the town of Augusta Treverorum ("city of Augstus in the land of the Treveri") (modern-day Trier or Treves, pop. 115K) in a valley between low vine-covered red sandstone hills in modern-day Rhineland-Palatinate near the German-Luxembourg border (modern-day pop. 115K) at the foot of Mt. Petrisberg on the 315 mi. Moselle River (which starts in the French Vosges and flows into the the Rhine River) is founded as the capital of the Roman province of Galla Belgica. Deaths: Roman didactic poet Aemilius Macer (b. ?); friend of Ovid; son or grandson of Pompey's friend Theophanes of Mytilene?; leaves Ornithogonia (birds), Theriaca (antidotes against serpent poisons).

-15 Roman consuls: Lucius Calpurnius Piso Frugi and Marcus Livius Drusus Libo. Herod I the Great's twice-married sister Salome is refused permission by him to marry Syllaeus, the Nabataean chief minister for Obodas III (who met her in -20 when he came to negotiate a 60-talent loan) because he refuses to be circumcised - leave my salome alone? The city of Augsburg at the convergence of the Lech and Wertach Rivers in Swabia, S Bavaria is founded as the garrison camp Augusta Vindelicorum by Claudius Drusus and Tiberius on orders of their stepfather Emperor Augustus, becoming capital of the Roman province of Raetia in 120 C.E.; on Mar. 9, 1276 it is granted the status of free imperial city, going on to produce the Fugger and Welser banking families and the Augsburg Confession of 1530. The Romans merge several Celtic settlements on the Salzach River in the province of Noricum (Austria) into the town of Juvavum (modern-day Salzburg, "Salt Fortress") (modern-day pop. 151K) which receives municipium status in 45 C.E., attracting Jewish settlers. The Roman camp Castra Vetera is founded on the Furstenberg River near modern-day Birten, Germany as a base for campaigns into Germania, housing 8K-10K legionaries; it is destroyed in 70 C.E. Bauzanum (modern-day Bolzano) (modern-day pop. 106K) in Tyrol (Tirol) 35 mi. N of Trent and 58 mi. S of the Brenner Pass at the junction of the Talavera and Isarco Rivers (near the Adige River) (later the crossroads of the Brenner Route to Germany and the Adige Valley Route to Switzerland) is settled by the Romans under Nero Claudius Drusus. The town of Zurich (ZŁrich) in NC Switzerland (modern-day pop. 403K) at the NW tip of Lake Zurich is founded by the Romans as the customs station of Turicum around the Lindenhof Hill. Architecture: Herod I the Great commissions Roman artists to decorate a private theater box in his 400-seat Herod's Theater in his winter palace in the Judean desert; the theater is later destroyed to preserve the conical shape of the hill, and the palace is destroyed by the Romans in 71 C.E.; it is excavated in 2010. Births: Roman almost-emperor Births: Roman almost-emperor gen. Germanicus Julius Caesar (Nero Claudius Drusus) (d. 19) on May 24 in Lugdunum, Gaul (modern-day Lyon, France); son of Nero Claudius Drusus (son of Augustus' 3rd wife Livia Drusilla) and Antonia Minor (daughter of Marc Anthony and Augustus' sister Octavia Minor); brother of Claudius (-10 to 54) and Livilla (-13 to 31); husband of Agrippina the Elder (-14 to 33); father of Nero Caesar, Drusus Caesar, Gaius Caesar (Caligula) (12-41), Agrippina the Younger (16-59) (mother of Nero), Julia Drusilla, and Julia Livilla. Judean Jewish supermom (St.) Mary (the Blessed Virgin) (d. 48) in Nazareth, Jerusalem ,or Sepphoris; betrothed at age 12 to Jewish carpenter (stoneworker?) Joseph of Nazareth; her life is either a fairy tale or really hard to swallow?; Roman Catholics later celebrate her Assumption (Aug. 15), Annunciation (Mar. 25), Immaculate Conception (Dec. 8), and consecrate the month of May to her.

-14 Roman consuls: Gnaeus Cornelius Lentulus and Marcus Licinius Crassus. Pannonia (modern-day Hungary W of the Danube) becomes a Roman province, although it takes until -9 to finish subduing it. Antipater arranges for his mother Doris' remarriage to Herod, goes to Rome to be presented as one of Herod's heirs, and spends the next decade undercutting the position of his two half-brothers Alexander and Aristobulus. Roman gen. Druses builds a fort in modern-day Wurms (Worms) (modern-day pop. 82K) (originally Celt. "Borbetomagus" = settlement in a water area, which is transformed into Lat. Wormatia, after Ger. "wurm" = dragon) on the left bank of the Upper Rhine River on the Wonnegau Plain (40 mi. SSW of Mainz) in modern-day Rhineland-Palatinate, Germany, which started out as a Celtic town then became the capital of the German Vangiones. Births: Roman major breed mare (known for her virtue) Vipsania Agrippina I (Major) (the Elder) (d. 33); daughter of Augustus' daughter Julia and 2nd hubby Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa; mother of Caligula (Gaius Julius Caesar Germanicus) (12-41) and Agrippina II the Younger (15-59); grandmother (through daughter Agrippina II and Gnaeus Domitius) of Nero (37-68).

Publius Quinctilius Varus (-46 to 9)

-13 Roman consuls: Tiberius Caesar Augustus and Publius Quintilius Varus. Publius Quinctilius Varus (-46 to 9) becomes a Roman consul, and later succeeds Saturninus as gov. of Syria. Marcus Agrippa receives imperium maius, making him virtual co-emperor, then campaigns in the new province of Pannonia, where he becomes ill. Architecture: The Theater of Balbus in Rome is built by proconsul Lucius Cornelius Balbus Minor; excavated in 1981. The Theater of Marcellus (Augustus) in Rome is built by Marcus Marcellus, and inaugurated next year by Augustus, becoming the largest and most popular in Rome, with a cap. of 11K-20K, becoming the first bldg. in Rome using fired Roman brick. Births: Roman noble Nero Claudius Drusus Minor (the Younger) (Drusus II) (Drusus Julius Caesar) "Castor" (d. 23) on Oct. 7 in Rome; only child of Tiberius and 1st wife Vipsania Agrippina; named after paternal uncle (younger brother of Tiberius) Nero Claudius Drusus (Drusus I); first grandchild of Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa and 1st wife Caecilia Attica; husband (4-) of paternal cousin Livilla (-13 to 31); father of Julia Drusi Caesaris Filia (5-43) and twins Tiberius Gemellus (19-38) and Tiberius Claudius Caesar Germanicus II Gemellus (119-23). Mauretanian king (last) (23-40) Ptolemy of Mauretania (d. 40) (b. -9?) in Caesaria (Cherchell, Algeria); son of Juba II and Cleopatra Selene II (d. -5); born with Roman citizenship and educated in Rome. Roman breed mare Claudia Livia Julia (AKA Livilla) (d. 31); only daughter of Nero Claudius Drusus (-38 to -9) and Antonia (-36 to 37); sister of Germanicus (-15 to 19) and Claudius (-10 to 54); daughter-in-law of Vipsania Agrippina (-36 to 20) and Tiberius (-42 to 37); granddaughter of Livi Drusilla (-58 to 29)); wife of Gaius Caesar (-20 to 4) and Drusus the Younger (-13 to 23); paternal aunt of Caligula (12-41); maternal great-aunt of Nero (37-68); aunt of Agrippina the Younger (15-59) and Britannicus (41-55). Deaths: Roman triumvir Marcus Aemilius Lepidus Junior (b. -89).

Roman Gen. Nero Claudius Drusus the Elder (-38 to 9)

-12 The 192nd Olympiad. Roman consuls: Publius Sulpicius Quirinus and Marcus Valerius Messala Barbatus (Chronographus Anni CCCLIIII); Publius Sulpicius Quirinius (-51 to -21) becomes Roman consul; "(He) sprang from the municipality of Lanuvium, had no connections, but as an intrepid soldier and an active servant he won a consulate under the deified Augustus, and, a little later, by capturing the Homonadensian strongholds beyond the Cilician frontier, earned the insignia of triumph... adviser to Gaius Caesar during his command in Armenia" (Tacitus, Annals, III, XLVIII). Halley's comet is visible in the sky this year, which is taken as an omen, and on Mar. 6 Augustus becomes Pontifex Maximus (Number One Bridge-Builder to the Gods or Heaven), the religious head of state (as well as a god himself). Roman armies led by Augustus' stepson Nero Claudius Drusus I (Major) (the Elder) (-38 to -9) cross the Rhine River, conquering Vindelicia, Raetia, and Noricum, and extending Roman territory; by -10 they found Bonn (modern-day pop. 319K/11M) on the Rhine River in modern-day North Rhine-Westphalia 15 mi. SSE of Cologne (halfway between modern-day Paris and Berlin) (where the Romans settled members of the Germanic Ubii tribe), named after the Eburoni tribal coalition of Gaul; in 1597-1794 is becomes the capital of the Electorate of Cologne, and the 1770 birthplace of super-composer Ludwig van Beethoven; in 1949-90 it becomes the provisional capital of West Germany. Marcus Agrippa dies in Campania, leaving Augustus' daughter Julia up for grabs to some lucky future emperor. Herod takes his sons Alexander, Aristobulus, and Antipater to Rome to seek Augustus' help in resolving family tensions, but it doesn't work. Evenus III (d. -5) becomes king of the Picts. Deaths: Roman statesman-gen. Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa (b. -64) in Campania.

-11 Roman consuls: Paullus Fabius Maximus and Quintus Aelius Tubero. Hello boss, sign me up? To position him in line for the purple, Augustus forces his stepson Tiberius Claudius Nero (Tiberius) (brother of Nero Claudius Drusus Major) (both sons of Augustus' wife Livia Drusilla by her 1st husband Tiberius Claudius Nero) to divorce his 1st wife Vipsania Agrippina Major (d. 20) (mother of his son Nero Claudius Drusus the Younger) and marry his own daughter (Marcus Agrippa's widow) Julia (her 3rd marriage). Art: ?, Landscape with Polyphemus and Galatea (fresco). Architecture: Nero Claudius Drusus Major has the Castellum Bingen at the confluence of the Nahe and Rhine Rivers built over the former Celtic settlement of Binge ("rift") as part of the left bank Rhine Riber border fortifications. Births: Jewish king (King Herod in the Acts of the Apostles) Marcus Julius Herod Agrippa I (the Great) (d. 44); son of Aristobulus IV (-31 to -7) and Berenice (daughter of Salome I; brother of Herodias; grandson of Herod the Great and the Hasmonean Mariamne I; father of Berenice of Cilicia (28-82) and Herod Agrippa II (27-100).

-10 Roman consuls: Africanus Fabius Maximus and Iulus Antonius. Births: Roman emperor #4 (41-54) Tiberius Claudius Drusus (d. 54) on Apr. 1; son of Drusus (son of Tiberius Claudius Nero and Livia, before she married Augustus) and Antonia Minor; brother of Germanicus (-16 to 19); uncle of Caligula (12-41); husband of Messalina (17-48).

-9 Roman consuls: Nero Claudius Drusus and Titus Quinctius Crispinus. Obodas III is poisoned, and Aretas (Aeneas) IV Philopatris ("friend of the people") (d. 40) becomes king of the Nabataeans (until 40), with his capital at Petra; he is hesitantly recognized by Roman emperor Augustus, and furnishes a large army to Gen. Varus for his expedition against the Jews in -4. The city of Antipatris (10 mi. NE of Joppa) on the N-S road on the Plains of Sharon (named after his father) is rebuilt by Herod I the Great. Roman gen. and consul Nero Claudius Drusus (b. -38) dies after conquering Pannonia and extending Roman conquests from the Rhine to the Elbe River, and is replaced by Tiberius, who campaigns in Germany until 7 C.E.; meanwhile in -6 the Tropaeum Alpium, a monument to the Germanic conquests is built in La Turbie N of Monaco. Births: Chinese emperor (-1 to 5) Han Ping Di (d. 5); couson of Han Ai Di.

-8 The 193rd Olympiad. Roman consuls: Gaius Asinius Gallus Saloninus (d. 33) and Gaius Marcius Censorinus. The Roman census gives the pop. of the Roman Empire as 4,233,000 citizens; the city of Rome becomes the first in history to reach 1M pop. Koblenz (Lat. "confluence") at the confluence of the Rhine and Moselle Rivers in Germania starts out as a military post established by Drusus Claudius Nero. Deaths: Roman statesman Gaius Maecenas (b. -68). Roman poet Horace (b. -65) on Nov. 27 in Rome: "Drop the question what tomorrow may bring, and count as profit every day that Fate allows you."

-7 Roman consuls: Tiberius Caesar Augustus and Gnaeus Calpurnius Piso. There is a conjunction of Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn this year (805-year cycle) (Johannes Kepler). Herod I the Great has his two sons with Hasmonean blood, Alexander and Aristobulus executed in Sebaste and buried in Alexandreion after being tried in Beirut; Aristobulus's son Herod Agrippa and daughter Mariamne II are spared, the latter marrying her uncle Antipater (d. -4); Augustus remarks that he would rather be Herod's pig than his son. Cheng Di (b. -51) dies childless, and his nephew Ai (Chin. "lamentable") Di (Xin Liu) (-27 to 1) becomes Xi Han emperor #13 of China (until 1). Deaths: Chinese Xi Han emperor (-33 to -7) Chen Di (b. -51).

-6 Roman consuls: Gaius Antistius Vetus and Decimus Laelius Balbus. Tiberius receives tribunicia potestas for five years, then suddenly renounces public life and retires to colossal Rhodes, abandoning Julia. Roman colonies are garrisoned in wild Pisidia to control it. Augustus sends ferrets to the Balearic Islands to control the rabbit plagues. Han Cheng Di dies, and Han Ai Di (-27 to -1) becomes Xi Han emperor of China. Tiberius is forced to divorce Vipsania Agrippina Major (b. -36) (which he always regrets?), and she marries Augustus' buddy Gaius Asinius Gallus Saloninus (d. 33), who becomes proconsul of Asia.

-5 Roman consuls: Imperator Caesar Augustus and Lucius Cornelius Sulla. After his daughter Yamatohime-no-mikoto spends 20 years searching for the perfect spot, Emperor Suinin of Yamato builds the first Ise Grand Shrine in Mie Prefecture, dedicated to the goddess Amaterasu Omikami. Metallanus (d. 34) becomes king of the Picts. Births: Chinese Dong Han emperor #1 (36-57) Guangwu (Guang Wudi) (Chin. "military restorer") (Xiu Liu) (d. 57) on Jan. 15.

If Herod I the Great had never died would Jesus Christ have been born?

Herod I the Great of Judea (-73 to -4) John the Baptist (-4 to 32) Jesus Christ (-4 to 33)

-4 The 194th Olympiad. Roman census. Roman consuls: Gaius Calvisius Sabinus and Lucius Passienus Rufus. On Mar. 13 Jewish rabble-rousers Judas and Mathias are burned alive for protesting the placement of the golden eagle at the entrance to the Jehovah-less Temple of Jerusalem. On Apr. 7 Jewish proxy king of the Roman-occupied Holy Land (since -39) Herod I the Great (b. -73) has his eldest son Antipater (b. -45) (son of Doris) executed (3rd son he kills) after Augustus refuses to intervene, then dies five days later on Shebat 2 (Apr. 12) in Jericho after suffering "an intolerable itching of the whole skin, continuous pains in the intestines, tumors in the feet as in dropsy, inflammation of the abdomen and gangrene of the private parts, engendering worms, in addition to asthma, with great difficulty in breathing, and convulsions in all his limbs" (Josephus), and is buried in his fortified winter palace and mausoleum in Herodium 7 mi. S of Jerusalem (near modern-day Zatara); his Roman-educated sons wait in the wings while he orders the leaders of the Jewish nation burned alive in the Hippodrome in Jericho on his death so that the Jews will weep at his own funeral (Herod's sister Salome and her husband Alexas get the order countermanded?); his penultimate will names Antipas as his heir, but shortly before his death he makes a final will naming Archelaus (Matthew 2:22), causing Augustus to constitute him an ethnarch and divide the territory, with half going to Archelaus and half to be split by Antipas and Philip; Herod Archelaus (b. -23) becomes ethnarch of Samaria, Judea and Idumea (deposed in 6 C.E.); Herod Antipas (b. -21) becomes tetrarch of Galilee (home of Jesus Christ) and Perea (E bank of the Jordan) (home of John the Baptist) (deposed in 38 C.E.); Herod Philip (-20 to 34) becomes tetrarch (ruler of a fourth) of modern-day SW Syria and the Golan Heights (Gaulanitis, Batanea, Trachonitis, Autanitis, portions of Iturea and Hulitis) (all largely non-Jewish); Herod's sister Salome I (-65 to -10) is given control of Phaselis, Yavneh (Jamnia), and Ashdod (Azotus); daddy's favorite Archelaus immediately proves to be a good choice for him as he orders 3K Jews killed on Easter for trying to get him to rehabilitate Judas and Mathias. In 4 B.C.E.-29 C.E. the Unknown (silent) (lost) (missing) years of Jesus sparks rampant speculation about trips to Britain, Kashmir, the Judean desert (Essenes) et al. Births: Judean Jewish prophet (of voice crying in the wilderness eating locust and honey fame) (St.) John the Baptist (Baptizer) (d. 32 C.E.) on June 24; son of Jewish priest Zechariah and his wife Elizabeth; according to the Gospel of Luke 1:5-25 he is conceived 6 mo. before Jesus on the night of the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur), which would be in late Sept. *Sept. 24?) or early Oct. - so what's this I hear about you're fall and I'm spring? Judean Christian Messiah Jesus Christ of Nazareth (Joshua or Yehoshuah bar Joseph) (d. 33) on Dec. 25 in Bethlehem; son of the Virgin Mary and Joseph (a carpenter or stoneworker), both of the House of David; don't ask about the In-Vitro Fertilization Technique used?; the official Roman Catholic Church position is Dec. 25, although the shepherds are in the fields with the flocks at the time of his birth, which would more likely be spring or summer, which might make John the Baptist the only Dec. baby?; Jesus is crucified on the day of his conception (Mar. 25)? Roman Stoic philosopher-tragedist-statesman Lucius Marcus Annaeus Seneca Minor (the Younger) (d. 65) in Cordoba, Spain; 2nd son of Seneca Major (-60 to 37) and Helvia; uncle of Lucan (39-65); Nero's tutor; Rome's leading intellectual figure in the 1st cent. C.E.; noted vegetarian, although he does like a "good drunk". Deaths: Judean king Herod I the Great (b. -73) on Shebat 2 (Apr. 12) in Jericho; dies after having one of his 10 wives and three of his six sons murdered; buried in Herodium; in 2007 C.E. an archeological expedition led by Ehud Netzer (1934-2010) of Hebrew U. uncovers the tomb and ornate sarcophagus, but no bones. Judean prince (Herod I the Great's son) Antipater (b. -45) on Apr. 7 (executed). Roman freedman Marcus Tullius Tiro (b. ?); inventor of shorthand.

-3 Roman consuls: Lucius Cornelius Lentulus and Marcus Valerius Messala. While Archelaus is in Rome for his crowning by Augustus, fresh riots break out in Judea led by a robber chief named Judas, a royal slave named Simon of Perea, a tall shepherd named Athronges, and his brothers; Archelaus' troops prove unable to cope, and Publius Quintilius Varus, Roman gov. of Syria intervenes, causing Quirinius to be sent as special legate and co-gov. of Syria to conduct the war, in which 2K are crucified? Births: Judean god-man Jesus Christ of Nazareth (d. 33) on Sept. 11?; the whole story of Christ was plagiarized from that of Chrishna (Krishna), or vice-versa? Roman emperor #6 (68-69) Servius Sulpicius Galba (d. 69). Greek Pythagorean philosopher and Christlike miracle worker (thaumaturge) Apollonius of Tyana (d. 100) in Tyana in SW Cappadocia in Asia Minor on the N slope of the Taurus Mts. - thaumatologists take note?

Phraatakes of Parthia (d. 4)

-2 Roman consuls: Imperator Caesar Augustus and Marcus Plautius Silvanus. Octavian becomes pater patriae (father of the country), and appoints the first Praetorian prefects, incl. Publius Salvius Aper and Quintus Ostorius Scapula; new father Augustus' daughter Julia Major is accused of numerous adulteries and banished from Rome for five years to Pandateria (modern-day Pantotene) off the coast of Compania. Phraaates IV of Parthia is killed by his wife Musa (a former Italian slave girl given to him by Augustus after the Battle of Carrhae) and his son Phraatakes (Phraataces) (d. 4), who becomes king of the Parthians, and marries his mother - you're biting my butt? Augustus gets the Lex Fufia Caninia passed, restricting the number of slaves that an owner can manumit in his will. Philip the Tetrarch founds the city of Caesarea-Philippi in Paneas, on the lower range of Mt. Hermon overlooking the fertile Huleh Valley, on the east-west highway running from Tyre to Damascus. Architecture: The Forum of Augustus is dedicated, along with the Temple of Mars Ultor, for which Augustus gives a toy-boat-toy-boat naumachia in a basin on the right bank of the Tiber River with 3K combatants plus rowers in 30 vessels with rams plus smaller boats. Births: Palestinian Jewish god-man Jesus Christ of Nazareth (d. 33); born in the autumn in Bethlehem after Caesar Augustus decrees that "all the world should be enrolled - this was the first enrollment, when Quirinius was governor of Syria" (Luke 2:1-7), according to the Jehovah's Witnesses.

-1 Roman consuls: Cossus Cornelius Lentulus and Lucius Calpurnius Piso. Han Ai Di (b. -27) dies, and Han Ping Di (d. 6) becomes Xi Han emperor of China (until 6). By now Rome has 25 legions of 5K men each to defend it. After Herod I the Great dies, the citizens of Sepphoris (4 mi. NW of Nazareth) revolt against Rome, causing the Romans to destroy the city; Antipas rebuilds the city, making it "the ornament of all Galilee" (Josephus), and it becomes the new capital of Galilee and Perea (until 21) (pop. 8K-12K); the 400-ft. hill on which it is built can be seen from Nazareth (Mt. 5:14); it is on the route from Nazareth to Cana. Births: Jewish Christian apostle ("Prince of the Apostles") (St.) Peter (Simon or Shimon Peter) "Cephas" ben Yonah (d. 67) in Bethsaida, Galilee; starts out an illiterate fisherman, and ends up founding the Roman Catholic Church, being called "Cephas", Greek for rock. Jesus Christ is born on Oct. 29 during the Festival of Tabernacles, according to Bible-thumper Arthur Ware. Deaths: Chinese emperor Han Ai Di (b. -27). Herod I the Great dies on Shebat 2 of this year, according to the Jehovah's Witnesses.

B.C.E. represents the numerical position in the alphabet of the first three prime numbers (2,3,5) (G=7, K=11, M=13, Q=17, S=19, W=23)?

So divideth the B.C.E., the Don't-Say-B.C.-Before-Christ Butt Crack of Eternity (Before Common Era) from the C.E., the Don't-Say-A.D.-Anno-Domini-Year-of-the-Lord-Christ Scratch-and-Dent-Sale Common Era?

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