Macbeth of Scotland (1005-57) Queen St. Margaret Aetheling of Scotland (1045-93) Alexander I the Fierce of Scotland (1077-1124) David I of Scotland (1084-1153) Malcolm IV of Scotland (1141-65) William I the Lion of Scotland (1143-1214)
Sir William Wallace (1272-1307) Robert the Bruce (1274-1329) Royal Highland Fusiliers What Do Scots Wear Under Their Kilts? Braveheart, 1995

TLW's Scotlandscope™ (Scotland Historyscope)

By T.L. Winslow (TLW), the Historyscoper™

© Copyright by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.

Original Pub. Date: Apr. 14, 2019. Last Update: Sept. 21, 2019.

Bonnie Prince Charlie (1720-88)

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What Is A Historyscope?

Westerners are not only known as history ignoramuses, but double dumbass history ignoramuses when it comes to Scotland and Scotland's history. Since I'm the one-and-only Historyscoper (tm), let me quickly bring you up to speed before you dive into my Master Historyscope.

About 1.1B B.C.E. the supercontinent of Rodinia (Russ. "to give birth") emerges, causing land to cover 30% of the Earth's surface instead of only 5%; it ends up being surrounded by the single Iapetus Ocean in the S Hemisphere between Scotland, England, and Scandinavia by -600M; the Grenville Orogeny causes the Laurentian Mts. to be formed.

About 220M B.C.E. the therapsid herbivore Saltopus (Gk. "hopping foot") of Elgin, Scotland is a 2-ft.-long 2 lb. dinosaur just begging to be eaten?

About 56M B.C.E. a volcano in Scotland is as big as the 1883 Krakatoa eruption, helping trigger the Paleocene-Eocene Thermal Maximum (PETM)?

About 10,900 B.C.E. start of the Younger Dryas (-10.8K?) (ends -9.4K) (named after an Arctic plant of the rose family which appears), last cold snap of the Pleistocene (Ice Age) Epoch (begun -2.586M), caused by an inrush of fresh glacial meltwater from glacial Lake Agassiz into the Atlantic and Arctic Oceans greater than the volume of all the Great Lakes combined, causing abrupt (10 years) cooling in Europe and North Am. and return of near-glacial conditions for 1K years, leading to extinction of megafauna in North Am. incl. mammoths, mastodons, saber-toothed tigers, and giant short-faced bears, and the extinction of the Clovis Culture; it is caused by a comet impact (over the Great Lakes?) that set large areas of North Am. on fire and caused the extinction of most of its megafauna along with mass starvation of humans?; the melting of continental ice sheets reverses in Scotland and Norway; abrupt drought in the Near East brings on the beginnings of agriculture, the creation of granaries to store food, etc., ending the mobile way of life, and causing pop. concentrations around sources of water, changing Stone Age hunter-gatherers into the world's first farmers, and the first domestication and genetic selection of plants incl. wheat and grains; at the same time Antarctica heats up by 1 deg C, coupled with rising CO2; it is caused by a comet ripping through North Am., according to Douglas J. Kennett et al. of the U. of Ore. in 2009; in 2010 C. Vance Haynes of the U. of Ariz. finds evidence for a comet to be lacking; nanodiamond evidence is inconclusive and tends to contradict the comet theory?; in 2013 Mukul Sharma et al. of Dartmouth College claim conclusive evidence of an asteroid or comet impact.

About 10,000 B.C.E. evidence of human habitation of Scotland.

About 8,500 B.C.E. a hunter-gatherer homestead is found at Cramond near Edinburgh, Scotland.

About 8,000 B.C.E. the earliest known calendar consists of 12 pits dug in a field in Aberdeenshire, Scotland.

About 6,000 B.C.E. the first human settlements in Ireland are made by the Pretani or Cruithin (Dal nAraide, Ui Echach Coba, Conaille Muirtheimne) in NE Ireland (Ulster), who migrate from Cumbria in N England and Galloway in Scotland.

About 3,000 B.C.E. the Ness of Brodgar, 100+ Stone Age bldgs. are built in Orkney, becoming the center of British Neolithic culture, more important than Stonehenge?

About 3,000 B.C.E. the great stone circle Callanish Stones on the Isle of Lewis in the Outer Hebrides of Scotland are built, along with the Stenness Stones, aligned to the movements of the Sun and Moon.

The Celts begin fighting for their free-ee-ee-dom? About 3,000 B.C.E. the Celts (from the Greek word Keltoi, meaning hidden people), a fusion of Mediterranean, Alpine, and Nordic strains, incl. a dark Iberian and a blonde stock, and known, like Slavs, for big beards (compared to Chinese who have stubble beards, Ethiopians who have curly beards, and Am. aborigines, who are bare-faced) appear in N Europe; their Indo-European Gaelic Language drops the p sound in the initial or medial position (Lat. porcus becomes Gael. orc); they eventually form more than 150 distinct tribes, incl. the Britons in Britain, the Gauls in France, and the Goidels (Gaels) (Gael. "gwyddel" = savages) in Ireland, Scotland, and the Isle of Man; Goidelic Gaelic splits from Brythonic Galic by preserving the hard c sound, which turns into p in Brythonic (Irish mac becomes Welsh map); they practice the Druid Religion (Gr. "drus" = oak tree), which worships trees (rowans), practices magical ceremonies, and believes in the Sun god Belenus (Beli Mawr) ("the shining one"), the goddess of victory Andraste (Andrasta) (Andred), tree genies, Earth gods, and elfin demons; they fail to develop a written lit., relying on oral transmission by bards, filid (poets), scelaige (narrators), and entertainers; although they have no alphabet, symbols they use incl. the cross, swastika (fylfot), and trefoil (trivet), plus the colors and weaves later used in Scottish tartans; the Britons are cannibals; the social org. is tribal and clannish, preventing consolidation into a central govt., which proves their weakness and undoing?

About 1,500 B.C.E. the Picts traditionally migrate from Brittany to Ireland, are refused permission to stay, but allowed to settle in NE Scotland on the condition that each Pictish king marry an Irish princess, since Pict society is matriarchal.

In 1,159 B.C.E. Mt. Hekla in S Iceland erupts, creating a "nuclear winter" for Scotland, and beginning an 18-year period of worsening climate.

In the 6th cent. B.C.E. the Celts, Goidels, Brythons (Britons), and Saxons (Gael. Sasunnach or Sassenach) begin settling Scotland, joining the Neolithic peoples from the Mediterranean already settled there, followed in ? by the Picts.

In 330 B.C.E. Fergus (Gael. "highest choice") I Mor (the Great) (d. -305), son of Erc becomes the first king of Dalriada in W Scotland, transporting the 335-lb. Stone of Scone (pr. "SKOON") from Ireland to Argyll before being crowned on it; actually a line of kings leading to real king Kenneth MacAlpine (d. 858) is invented in the 14th cent. C.E., and not exposed until 1729 by Father Thomas Innes, but they keep cropping up in chronologies until the mid-1960s, so why not keep them for funners?

In 305 B.C.E. Feritharis (d. -290) becomes king of Pictland (Scotland).

In 290 B.C.E. Mainus (d. -262) becomes king of Scotland.

In 261 B.C.E. Dornadilla (d. -233) becomes king of the Picts (Scotland).

In 233 B.C.E. Macedonia is attacked by invaders from the N, causing Demetrius II to break off his attack on Aetolia. Nothatus the Tyrant (d. -213) becomes king of the Picts (Scotland).

In 213 B.C.E. Reutherus (d. -187) becomes king of the Picts (Scotland).

In 187 B.C.E. Reuthra (Rewthra) (d. -173) becomes king of Scotland.

In 173 B.C.E. Thereus (d. -161) becomes king of the Picts in Scotland.

In 161 B.C.E. Josina (d. -137) becomes king of the Picts (Scotland).

In 137 B.C.E. Finnanus (d. -107) (fine what?) becomes king of the Picts (Scotland).

In 107 B.C.E. Durstus (d. -98) becomes king of Scotland.

In 98 B.C.E. Evenus (Eugenius) I (d. -79) becomes king of the Picts (Scotland).

In 60 B.C.E. Ederus (d. -12) becomes king of the Picts.

In 12 B.C.E. Evenus III (d. -5) becomes king of the Picts.

The Anglo-Saxon Chronicle (begun 891 C.E.) is backdated to the 1st cent. C.E.; "The island Britain is 800 miles long, and 200 miles broad. And there are in the island five nations; English, Welsh (or British), Scottish, Pictish, and Latin. The first inhabitants were the Britons, who came from Armenia, and first peopled Britain southward. Then happened it, that the Picts came south from Scythia, with long ships, not many; and, landing first in the northern part of Ireland, they told the Scots that they must dwell there. But they would not give them leave; for the Scots told them that they could not all dwell there together; 'But', said the Scots, 'We can nevertheless give you advice. We know another island here to the east. There you may dwell, if you will; and whosoever withstandeth you, we will assist you, that you may gain it.' Then went the Picts and entered this land northward. Southward the Britons possessed it, as we before said. And the Picts obtained wives of the Scots, on condition that they chose their kings always on the female side, which they have continued to do, so long since. And it happened, in the run of years, that some party of Scots went from Ireland into Britain, and acquired some portion of this land. Their leader was called Reoda, from whom they are named Dalreodi (or Dalreathians)."

In 82 C.E. Roman gov. of Britain Gnaeus Julius Agricola abandons plans to invade Ireland after a legion of German troops stationed in Galloway (Gael. "foreign Gael") (in modern-day SW Scotland) mutinies; meanwhile Inchtuthil, AKA Pinnata Castra (Lat. "fortress on the wing) and Victoria is built as the most northerly Roman fort in Caledonia on the N bank of the Tay River SW of modern-day Blairgowrie, Scotland; too bad, it is evacuated by 87 so that the troops can fight the Dacian invasion of Moesia; in the 1950s a cache of 750K iron nails is uncovered, along with other iron objects.

Bad day for the Erin Go Bragh crowd? In 84 C.E. Rome declares war on the Caledonian Picts (N of the Tay River), a tribal confederation newly united under chieftain Calgacus (Galgacus) (Gael. "swordsman") (-84), defeating them at the Battle of Mons Graupius at Ardoch in Aberdeenshire in E Scotland after Calgacus whips his men up with the immortal soundbyte (fake?): "We, the most distant dwellers upon the Earth, the last of the free, have been shielded until now by our remoteness and by the obscurity which has shrouded our name. Now, the farthest bounds of Britain lie open to our enemies. There are no more nations beyond us only waves, and rocks, and the Romans. Pillagers of the world, they have exhausted the land by their indiscriminate plunder. East and west alike have failed to satisfy them. To robbery, butchery and rapine, they give the lying name 'government'. They create a desert and call it peace. Which will you choose, to follow me into battle, or to submit to taxation, labor in the mines and all the other tribulations of slavery? Whether you are to endure these forever or take a quick revenge, this battle must decide"; 10K Picts are KIA, incl. Calgacus; the Grampian Mountains/Hills (Gael. "Am Monadh") (the Scottish Highlands) are named after the site.

Antonine Wall, 142

In 142 C.E. Roman gov. of Britain Quintus Lollius Urbicus issues coins celebrating his big V over the Brigantes in Britain after defeating them with Legio II Augusta and reoccupying S Scotland; meanwhile on orders of Emperor Antninus Pius, the 39-mi. 10-ft.-high 16-ft.-wide turf-timber Antonine Wall (Forth-Clyde Rampart) in Caledonia 100 mi. N of Hadrian's Wall on the narrow neck of land from Bo'ness, from Falkirk ("variegated church") on the Firth of Forth to Old Kilpatrick in West Dunbartonshire on the Firth of Clyde is begun by Quintus Lollius Urbicus as the new frontier, with 16 forts spaced at 2 mi. intervals linked by the Military Way; a deep ditch is built on the N side, along with a wooden palisade on top of the turf; it is finished in 154; too bad, it is is abandoned in 162, although the area between the two walls serves as a first-line defense area against the Picts for the duration of the Roman occupation, and becomes the turf of the Brythonic tribes, who act as buffer states with the slightly different Picts and Gaels; meanwhile Urbicus goes after the Novantae, the last lowland Pictish tribe, who hold the Dumfries and Galloway peninsula.

In 145 C.E. Gnaeus Papirius Aelianus becomes Roman gov. of Britain #23 (until 147), continuing the occupation of Lowland Scotland.

Britannia Roman Britannia Coin

In 154 C.E. former suffect consul Gnaeus Julius Verus becomes Roman gov. #24 of Britain (until 158), bringing troops from Germany and quelling a revolt by the Brigantes that had caused the Antonine Wall to be abandoned by 162 and a slaughter at the Roman fort at Newstead, going on to strip them of much of their territory; meanwhile the Romans under Antoninus Pius begin minting a bronze sestertius with a figure of Britannia, which is so cool that it is used on British coins for cents. after Rome falls.

In 163 C.E. Sextus Calpurnius Agricula, former gov. of Germania Superior in 158 becomes Roman gov. of Britain #27 (until 168), going on to suppress revolts in N Britain, rebuild the fort at Corbridge, and withdraw troops S towards Hadrian's Wall for defense; meanwhile the pesky natives damage the Roman forum in Viroconium Cornoviorum (Wroxeter), and burn most of Verulamium (SW of modern-day St. Albans).

In 155 C.E. peace is finally established S of Hadrian's Wall (the N boundary of the Roman province of Britannia) after a revolt is quelled; fighting continues N of the wall until the early 3rd cent.

In 197 C.E. Satrael (-201) becomes king of Scotland.

In 208 C.E. after British gov. Lucius Alfenus Senecio requests reinforcements, complaining about barbarians overruning the land, taking booty and causing destruction, emperor Septimius Severus arrives in person with his youngest son Publius Septimius Geta, and invades Caledonia (Scotland), restoring Roman military supremacy in N England; he withdraws from the Antonine Wall again to Hadrian's Wall, rebuilding it with stone and fixing it as the final frontier with the pick-a-fight Picts (finished 211).

In 296 C.E. the Picts naked blue-painted Celtic people of Britain are first mentioned in Roman lit. - good morning, Tiger?

In the 4th cent. C.E. Scotland is divided into five kingdoms: the Picts, Gaels, Britons, Angles, and Norse.

In 312 C.E. Roman lit. (Nomina Provinciarum Omnium) (Names of All the Provinces) first describes the pesky warring tribe in Ireland as the Scoti (Scotti) (Scots), who harry the Roman province of Britannia and reach as far as the coast of Gaul - the squats? the skotes? the skwotes? the skahts?

In 351 C.E. Romachus (-354) becomes king of Scotland.

In 360 C.E. a sudden series of coordinated raids of Wales by Irish, Anglo-Saxons, and Picts begins; the Irish colonize the Isle of Man.

In 367 C.E. the Great Conspiracy begins in Roman Britain after Emperor Magnentius' big D at the 351 Battle of Mursa Major, giving the native tribes their chance to rebel; too bad, they are quelled by next year.

In 368 the Pict, Scot, and Saxon tribes attack and plunder London (known as Augusta); the Picts and Scots are driven back from Britain, and the province of Valentia is formed.

In 393 C.E. Irish raids begin on the N (Pict) and W (Welsh) British coasts - the Squats ah ah-cumin'?

In 409 C.E. the last Romans are expelled by the Britons, kissing Londinium (once 30K in pop.) and all the rest goodbye, and giving the starving Angles, Saxons, and Jutes of NW Europe a green light, with 200K eventually arriving just as the beleaguered Celts (Picts) begin raiding S while the new-kid-on-the-block Saxons mass for an attack up the Shit, er, Thames River; the line of Roman duces (defending generals) of Britain ends, and Coel Hen (350-420) (later known as Old King Cole) becomes the first Celtic high king of Brittonic-speaking N Britain and S Scotland, ruling from Eburacum (York); Coel Hen (350-420) (later known as Old King Cole) becomes the first Celtic high king of N Britain, ruling from Eburacum (York); Hadrian's Wall is abandoned, and local builders begin scavenging its cut stones, leaving only a remnant by modern times; despite the true owners of the island, the Celts coming out of hiding to take the island back, they are crippled by generations of being barred from carrying weapons, causing them to be poor soldiers who lose every battle and get pushed back to their hiding places, while those who are captured become servants to the nouveau riche Anglo-Saxons, who set up an apartheid with six social levels for the underclass Britons, five of which are slave classes, causing the birthrate of the Britons to dwindle while that of the Anglo-Saxons zooms, so that eventually every other man on the island carries the "Friesian gene"; Anglo-Saxon kings begin to be crowned on a coronation stone at Kingston (Old English "king's manor") upon Thames (AKA Chingestone, Chingetune), 12 mi. upriver from London near an easy ford in Surrey.

In 470 C.E. the kingdom of Gododdin in Hen Ogledd ("the Old North") in SE Scotland and NE England from the Firth of Forth and Tyne River (Falkirk, Lothian, Borders region of E Scotland, Northumberland), with capital at Traprain Law in East Lothian is founded by the Votadini tribe, while the kingdom of Brynaich (Bernicia) between the Tweed and Tyne Rivers in NE England and SE Scotland (Northumberland, Durham, Berwickshire, East Lothian) is founded by Anglian settlers; meanwhile Gododdin chieftain Cunedda (grandfather of St. David) moves into the land of the Venadoti in Wales with his Votadini people, founding the kingdom of Gwynedd, and marrying Gwawl, daughter of Coel Hen of Eboracum (York), then leaves it to his son Ceredig (420-53), (father of St. Ina), who founds the kingdom of Ceredigion (Cardigan), which becomes Seisyllwg by the late 7th cent. and Deheubarth in the mid 10th cent.

Stone of Scone

In 503 C.E. the Gaelic-speaking Trinitarian Catholic Irish tribe of Scots (Scotti) leave the Irish Kingdom of Dalriada (Dalriata) (Dal Riata) in E Ulster, N Ireland (founded by semi-mythical king Fergus Mor Mac Erc, who has three sons who found three cenela or kinship groups, Gabrain, Oengusa, and Loairn, with the Gabrain ending up as boss) and land on the W coast of Scotland at the Mull of Kintyre, Jura Island, and Islay Island; the fort of Dunadd is settled in Argyll (Gael. "coast of the Gaels"), becoming the capital of the Scottish Kingdom of Dalriada (Dalriata) (Dal Riata), the first Scottish kingdom, in the islands and peninsulas of the SW Highlands; Goranus (Conramus) (-535) becomes the first real king (#47 if you go with the legendary line) of the Dalriada Scots in Scotland, being crowned on the ugly-but-sacred Stone of Scone (Destiny) (pr. SKOON), which allegedly traces back to ancient Egyptian warrior Gaythelos, who fell in love with Scota, daughter of Pharaoh Chencres, causing his men to call themselves Scots in her honor, after which they wandered across North Africa, where one of their number, Jacob, rested his head upon a stone, and dreamed of the angels ascending to heaven, after which they carried Jacob's Pillow (Stone of Jacob) with them through the Strait of Gibraltar to Ireland, believing that wherever it rested, from there the Scots would be ruled; others claim that the stone is the Jacob's Pillow in Genesis Ch. 32, and that the Scots are one or more of the Lost Tribes of the Jews; the Loairn occupy Lorn in N Argyll, the Oengusa occupy the islands, and the Gabrain occupy Kintyre and the Cowal Peninsula - the original mean Simon Cowell?

In 560 C.E. the city of Glasgow in W Scotland (modern-day pop 615K/1.8M) on the N bank of the Clyde River is founded as a small church built by St. Kentigern (Mungo) (-603), apostle to the Scots, spreading to both banks and eventually connected by 11 bridges, becoming the largest seaport in Britain - pronounce it glass-guh?

They may be Christians by day, but at night they sneak out and worship the trees? In 565 C.E. St. Columba leaves Iona and arrives at the court of Pictish king Bridei Mac Maelchu (Brude Mac Maelchon) in Inverness on the Ness River in N Scotland, and attempts to convert him, his Druid Broichan having the king meet him out in the open because "wizard" Columba's magic is thought to work less well in open sunlight than in a closed chamber; eventually he succeeds in converting the Picts to the Christian Celtic Arian faith, giving Pictland its first cultural contact with the Roman-Byzantine world.

In 574 C.E. Congallus II dies, and Aidan (Aedan) (Aidanus) (Gael. "fire") Mac Gabran (Gabrain) (532-605) (whose mother is from Strathclyde), king of the Celtic British kingdom of Manann (from the Forth River S to Slamanann) is crowned king #4 of the Dalriada Scots by his first cousin St. Columba on Iona after he returns from exile with an army and forces the Scots to select him over Congallus' son, with help from Columba, becoming king of the Scots and Britons, leaving Manann to his son Arthur (Arturius) (Gael. "rock, hard") (-582), after which the Britons call Aidan "the treacherous".

In 575 C.E. Aidan Mac Gabrain establishes independence from his overlord the king of the Ui Neill in N Ireland, and goes on to expand Scot power with his fleet and army, raiding Orkney, the Isle of Man, and Pictland throughout the 580s.

By the 590s C.E. Aidan Mac Gabrain of Dalriada becomes the dominant power in the N British Isles, dominating Strathclyde, pushing into Pictish territory, and fighting the Germanic Angles of Bernicia in N Northumbria centered in Bamburgh, Northumberland.

In the 7th cent. C.E. the seaport of Inverness (Gael. "Mouth of the River Ness") in N Scotland on Beauly Firth (largest town in the Scottish Highlands) at the mouth of the Ness River (modern-day pop. 63K) becomes a Pict stronghold.

About 600 C.E. the Battle of Catraeth (Catterick, North Yorkshire) between the Brythonic kingdom of Gododdin (Votadini) in SE Scotland and the Angles of Deira and Bernicia sees 300 picked warriors of Goddodin, who had feasted first for a year at Din Eidyn (Edinburgh) attack Catraeth against overwhelming (7x) odds, after which only one returns alive (366 go, 3 return?), later celebrated in the poem Y Gododdin.

In 603 C.E. the Dalriada Scots (Gaels) under Aedan mac Gabrain raid twice into Bernician territory, and Aethelfrith repulses them with a smaller force at the Battle of Theakstone and the Battle of Degsastan in Dawstane in modern-day Liddesdale, Scotland, kicking their butts so badly that they don't attack again for many years, while confirming Bernician control of the Solway Plain; Aethelfrith's brother Theobald is KIA at the Battle of Degsastan.

On May 20, 685 C.E. the Battle of Nechtansmere (Nectansmere) (Dun Nechtain) on Dunnichen Moss at Letham (near Forfar) in Angus is a V for the Celtic-speaking Picts under Bridei III, ending Northumbrian Anglo-Saxon attempts to establish a hegemony in Pictland (Caledonia), and saving Scotland for the Scots; invading Northumbrian king Ecgfrith is KIA; the existence of an independent kingdom of Picts is secured, along with a border, and they and the Britons now dominate N England; Pictland and Scotland begin their independent evolution; the Stone of Aberlemno in Angus depicts the big Pict V? - six centuries to Sir William Wallace?

In 706 C.E. Bridei Mac Derile dies, and his brother Nechtan Mac Derile (Der-Ilei) (Dargarto) (685-732) becomes king of the Picts (until 724, then 728-9).

Venerable Bede (673-735)

In 710 C.E. after a long struggle, King Nechtan (Naitan) of the Picts finally chucks the Arian stuff, and sends a delegation to English Benedictine monk Venerable Bede (673-735) at Jarrow in N England to ask for help with calculating the date of the Roman Easter, the building of stone churches, and tonsuring, and orders all the clergy of his kingdom to receive the circular tonsure and to submit to St. Peter, "most blessed prince of the apostles"; "It was the mark that Popes stamped not on the forehead, but on the crown. A royal proclamation, and a few clips of the scissors, placed the Scotch, like a flock of sheep, beneath the crook of the shepherd of the Tiber." (Merle D'Aubigne)

In 710 C.E. Irish missionary (St.) Fergus settles in Glamis in Scotland, living in a cave near his church and baptizing converts with water from the church well; about 748 he speculates about the possibility of "another world and other men under the Earth".

In 711 C.E. the Northumbrians crush the Pict army, causing them to again submit to Northumbrian overlordship.

In 713 C.E. Nechtan Mac Derile of the Picts kills his brother Cinead in a power struggle, and imprisons his kingsman Talorgen Mac Drostan, ruler of Atholl N of Fortriu.

In 717 C.E. at the instigation of the Northumbrian Trinitarian clergy, King Nechtan Mac Derile expels the Irish Arian clergy (linked to Iona) from Pictland.

In the 720s C.E. Selbach mac Ferchair (-730) of the Loairn becomes a king of the fractured Dalriada Scots, while the Picts take advantage of the anarchy to horn in.

In 724 C.E. King Nechtan Mac Derile of the Picts is forced to abdicate and enter a monastery by Drest, head of a rival clan.

In 728 C.E. Angus Mac Fergus defeats Alpin, causing Nechtan Mac Derile to attack and defeat Alpin too and resume kingship of the Picts.

In 729 C.E. Angus Mac Fergus defeats Nechtan Mac Derile and drives him back to the monastery permanently (until 732), then defeats and slays Drest, becoming sole king of the Picts and beginning the Golden Age of the Picts, first crushing all rivals then attempting to extend the Pictish borders toward Dalriada.

In 732 C.E. Angus Mac Fergus sends his son Talorgen to fight the Dalriada Scots, and he is badly defeated.

In 732 C.E. retired king Nechtan Mac Derile of the Picts dies peacefully in bed in a monastery; the bones of St. Andrew are brought to Pictland (Caledonia) and deposited at the town of St. Andrew's, which becomes the capital of the Picts.

In 741 C.E. Pictish king Angus I Mac Fergus conquers and overthrows the fractured kingdom of Dalriada (Dalriata) (the Scots), kills King Indrechtach, and turns it into a vassal, dividing it in two, initiating an era of relative peace until the Norse invasion at the end of the cent.

In 744 C.E. the Britons of Strathcylde and the Picts begin the British-Pictish Wars (end 750); the Picts use the schiltron.

In 750 C.E. Talorgen Mac Fergus, brother of Pictish king Angus I Mac Fergus attacks the kingdom of Strathclyde, led by King Tewdwr (d. 752), and is crushingly defeated, ending the British-Pictish Wars (begun 744); Tewdwr becomes overlord of the Picts, causing Angus' position to be threatened from within.

In 752 C.E. Cuthred of Wessex defeats Aethelbald of Mercia at the Battle of Burford. Tewdwr of Strathclyde dies, and Angus Mac Fergus defeats his puppet Bridei Mac Maelchu, regaining Pictish independence with a grudge against Strathcylde.

In 756 C.E. Angus I Mac Fergus allies with Eadberht of Northumbria and invades Strathclyde, sacking Dumbarton and forcing King Dyfnwal map Tewdwr to submit, but his Britons ambush and massacre the booty-laden Pictish army as it returns to Fortriu.

In 761 C.E. Angus I Mac Fergus dies, his Pictish kingdom #1 in N Britain, and Kenneth (Cinaed) (Gael. "handsome") I becomes king of the Picts, who now begin their downhill slide.

In 763 C.E. Ciniod I Mac Uuredech (-775) becomes king of the Picts (until 775).

In 768 King Ciniod I of the Picts is defeated by Aed "the White" Find (735-78) of Dalriada in the Battle of Fortriu at the Pict home base of Fortiu, throwing off Pictish overlordship and restoring unity to the Scots, while Pictland becomes racked with internal clan power struggles.

In 794 C.E. the Norse Vikings arrive on the coasts of Caledonia ("trick or treat"?), allowing the Scots and Britons to regain their independence from the Picts; about this year the Scots begin celebrating the Hogmanay (pr. hug-muh-NAY) (from Latin "hoc in anno" = in this year) (Feast of the Numbers or Years) New Year's festival; if the "first footing", the first person of the year to knock on their door is a dark-haired (Celt) man, the family will have good luck, but if he's a blonde he's probably a *!?*! Viking and your wife has to do tricks for him or he'll give you a treat? - what about the Normans and their first night?

In 802 C.E. the Vikings sack and burn the monastery of Iona, and begin dominating Scotland.

In 807 C.E. Constantine I Mac Fergus of the Scots defeats and kills Conall Mac Tadc in Kintyre, and begins ruling both Scotland and Pictland, leading a migration of Viking-fleeing Scots E into Pictland while trying to prevent any Pictish clans from gaining power and trying to establish ties with the monastery of St. Andrews in order to make himself the Constantine the Great of Scotland?

In 1015 Malcolm II takes advantage of the death of Jarl Sigurd the Once Mighty of Orkney to help his young grandson (Sigurd's successor) Thorfinn (the Mighty) Sigurdsson (1009-64).

In 1016 Anselan Okyan, king of S Ulster arrives in Scotland at Argyllshire, and is put in the service of the king against the Danes, becoming the first lord of Buchanan on Loch Lomondside.

In 1018 Malcolm II of Alba (Scotland), allied with King Owen (Ywain) the Bald of Strathclyde defeats the Northumbrian Saxons at the Battle of Carham on the Tweed River, confirming his absorption of the Anglo-Saxon district of Lothian N of the Tweed, leaving only Strathclyde, whose king soon dies from wounds received in the battle, allowing him to absorb it too, dividing mainland Britain into two major monarchies - now if they can just keep it that way?

In 1020 Canute conquers ever-wild Scotland, becoming the first king of a united realm of England, bringing 20 years of peace; the Faroes, Shetlands, and Orkneys recognize Olaf Haraldsson as king.

Macbeth of Scotland (1005-57)

In Aug. 1040 in an attempt to end the threat to the succession from King Dub's descendants, Scottish king Duncan I (b. 1010) leads an army into Moray (N Scotland) against Macbeth (MacBeth) (Macbethad) (1005-57), mormaor (mormaer) (earl) of Ross and Moray, but it backfires when Macbeth defeats and kills him at Pitgaveny near Elgin, or alternatively, murders him at Macbeth's castle in Inverness on the mouth of the Ness River on Beauly Firth (120 mi. N of Perth), and becomes king in his place (until 1057); too bad, Donald's kiddie sons Malcolm and Donald Bane (Domnall Ban) are spirited away to refuge with the Norse-Gaelic rulers of the Hebrides, ending up in Northumbria with Earl Siward under protection of Edward the Confessor, which ends up backfiring as Malcolm gets infected with Anglo-Saxon culture and later brings it back to wild-and-wooly Gaelic Scotland with him?; Macbeth is regarded as a good ruler until Shakespeare smears him, and later historians overreact and paint him as a good ruler, but now it's anybody's guess?

In 1052 seeing the Norman favorites gaining and the Saxon earls losing, the public sentiment veers to Earl Godwin, who after a year of exile raises another army against Edward the Confessor, invades England, and sails up the Thames River to London, where he forces Edward to send his Norman advisors home and restore his estates; Godwin is now the most powerful man in England; Robert of Jumieges, Norman archbishop of Canterbury is ousted by the Witan, and Stigand (-1072) (an English Saxon) becomes Canterbury archbishop #34 (until Apr. 11, 1070); too bad, the pope will not recognize him and give him the pallium (scarf) since he is also serving as bishop of Wincester since 1047; Robert flees to Rome and remains in exile for life, his treatment by the Saxons later being used by Duke William of Normandy as a pretext to invade England; Scottish king Macbeth welcomes Norman knights expelled from England to bolster his throne against Donald I's sons, now grown and waiting in the wings.

Macbeth of Scotland (1005-57)

On July 27, 1054 after Edward Confessor again sanctions Earl Siward of Northumbria to invade Scotland in support of Malcolm Mac Donald (with a plan to install him as a client or puppet king), he defeats Scottish "Red King" (since 1040) Macbeth (1005-57) (thane of Cawdor on the Moray Firth) in the bloody Battle of Birnam Wood Come to Dunsinane (Hill) at a hill fortress in C Scotland in the Sidlaw Hills in E Perthshire 7 mi. NE of Perth (Scone) on 1K-ft. Dunsinane Hill, overlooking the Carse of Gowrie and the Tay River Valley; Macbeth's Norman mercenary knights are wiped out; Earl Siward's eldest son is KIA; too bad, Siward's V is so costly that he is forced to retire without accomplishing any objective other than putting Malcolm in control of the area S of the Firth River, causing him to have to begin a war of attrition against Macbeth, slowly pushing him N - the weird sisters were right or full of it?

Queen St. Margaret Aetheling of Scotland (1045-93)

In 1069 Malcolm III of Scotland agrees to support the claim of Edgar Aetheling to the English crown in return for his sister Margaret Aetheling marrying him; meanwhile Edgar joins with King Sweyn II Estridsson of Denmark, Canute's nephew, who also claims the English throne, and their combined forces raid N England, capturing Jorvik (York); after William I the Conqueror comes N and pays the Danes to skoot, causing Edgar to skedaddle back to Scotland, he practices tough love by laying waste all the land N to Durham S of the River Tyne, and killing or driving out the pop. during a winter campaign (1069-70), messing the region up so bad that it takes more than two cents. to partially recover, and until the 19th cent. to fully recover; the Norman Bishopric of Durham in the Province of York is created; the Marcher Lords of Wales (Ger. "marko" = boundary) (equivalent of a marquess, and margrave in the HRE), Norman barons ruling the border with what's left of Wales are created, controlling Cardiff on the N coast of the Bristol Channel; in the 13th cent. they are called the Earls of March, with the Mortimers on the Welsh border and the Dunbars on the Scottish border; meanwhile a shipload of Anglo-Saxons fleeing William I, incl. Anglo-Saxon royal claimant Edgar Aetheling, his mother, and sisters Christina and (St.) Margaret Aetheling of Saxony (1045-93) is shipwrecked in the Firth of Forth, and they seek protection from Malcolm III Canmore, Macbeth's successor, who had acquired Anglo-Saxon culture during his long residence at the court of Edward the Confessor, and whose invasion of Northumbria this year to grab it from William is bloodily repulsed, making him see his chance to fork into the West Saxon Dynasty and produce an heir to the restored Anglo-Saxon throne; what a coincidence, his first wife Ingibjorg just happens to die, leaving him a bachelor?; the Teutonic lowlands begin their domination of the Celtic highlands - lord almighty, feel my temperature rising?

Older men dating much younger women, is it taboo or today's trend? In 1070 after her chaplain and confessor Turgot claims that both she and her younger sister Christina (who later becomes abbess of Romsey) had planned on becoming nuns, and persuasive Malcolm talks her out of it, Hungarian-raised Margaret Aetheling, sister of Edgar Aetheling and grandniece of Edward the Confessor marries Malcolm III Canmore and finally quits making excuses and becomes his 2nd wife, Queen Margaret of Scotland, busily working to Anglicize the realm (vaginally and otherwise?, bringing the Black (Holy) Rood, an ebony crucifix allegedly containing a portion of Jesus' Cavalry cross, which she uses as a powerful magic mamba-jamba to fight the crypto-Druid Celtic Christian religion, assembling leading Scottish clerics to tell them what's what, and writing to Canterbury archbishop Lanfranc to send a colony of Benedictine monks to found a monastery near the royal stronghold at Dunfermline; meanwhile she expresses herself and jazzes up the crude Scottish court with Old English sophistication, introducing Anglo-Saxon and Frankish clothing and hairstyles, court ceremonies and refined tableware (it's all about freedom of expression?); their first four sons Edward (1070-1093), Edmund (1071-?), Aethelred (1072?-?), and Edgar (1074-1007) are named after Margaret's male progenitors from father to great-great-grandfather in anticipation of their returning to rule England after the expected native revolt that will drive the Norman crackerjackers into the sea, and Malcolm passes over his sons by Ingibjorg for them as his chosen successors; the names of the last two, Alexander I (1077-1124) and David I (1080-1153) reflect guess what kind of influence?; all future Scottish kings incl. John I Balliol and Robert I the Bruce descend from this god-gifted Saxon breed mare.

In 1072 William I of England, pissed-off at his harboring of the Anglo-Saxon royals invades Scotland by land and sea, causing Malcolm III Canmore to chicken out, submit to William at Abernethy on the Tay River and pay homage, promising to expel the exiles, esp. pesky Edgar Aetheling, and surrendering his eldest son Donald (Donnchad) as hostage.

In 1079 Malcolm III of Scotland reneges on his 1072 oaths and takes advantage of the apparent collapse of Norman power in N England to raid and sack Northumbria.

Henry I Beauclerc of England (1068-1135) English Queen Matilda of Scotland (1079-1118) Death of William II of England (1057-1100), Aug. 2, 1100 Earl Gilbert de Clare (-1117)

On Aug. 2, 1100 English king (since Sept. 26, 1087) William II Rufus (the Red) (b. 1057) is killed in his New Forest by an arrow through the lung shot by Sir Walter Tyrell (Tirel), 3rd Lord of Poix (1065-110?) while hunting, and dies without receiving last rites, being found the next day by some peasants, who call in the nobles, who split quick; the clergy, who hate his guts for what he did to Anselm refuse to give him a church funeral, and blacken his name; Tyrel flees to France under suspicion that the shooting was no accident; on Aug. 5 his brother Henry Beauclerc (4th son of William I the Conqueror) seizes the throne as Henry I Beauclerc (1068-1135), becoming the 23rd English monarch (until Dec. 1, 1135); Henry I, who was in the hunting party himself (waiting in the wings like LBJ at Dealey Plaza?), soon proclaims that a man who kills another man during archery practice is absolved of murder; not to deny that the king is under law, however, upon ascending the throne he signs the Charter of Liberties, which reads almost exactly like the later Magna Charta; knowing that his brother Robert III Curthose is out on the First Crusade, he cuts him off at the pass by riding hard to Winchester to secure possession of the royal treasury and crown; meanwhile Henry I pub. the charter to remedy many of the perceived grievances against Rufus and win the people's favor; in Sept. after Canterbury archbishop (since 1093) Anselm returns from exile and he gets him to call a council of bishops to declare that she had never been a nun, although she had spent most of her life in a nunnery and was veiled, he marries Scottish babe Matilda (Edith) of Scotland (1079-1118), daughter of Malcolm III and St. Margaret, who becomes queen consort of England (until May 1, 1118), uniting the Norman and Anglo-Saxon bloodlines, and he begins a policy of using his "brood of bastards" (illegitimate children, which he has plenty of, 20+) to strengthen his power by marrying off the daughters to nobles and magnates; meanwhile Matilda (who only has two children) becomes popular with her subjects, wowing them by going to church barefoot on Lent and kissing the hands of the sick, causing her to become known as "Matilda the Good Queen" and "Matilda of Blessed Memory"; they marry in the church in her hometown of Dunfermline near the Firth of Forth, becoming the first written mention, after which she establishes a new church dedicated to the Holy Trinity, which grows into an abbey in 1128 under Malcolm III's son David I, after which in 1160 its graveyard becomes the burial place of Scottish monarchs, starting with Alexander I and ending with Robert I the Bruce (1329); meanwhile in 1107 Norman baron Gilbert fitz Richard de Clare (1065-1117), who was present at the "accident" and kept his mouth shut gets his reward in the form of lands in Wales, incl. Cardigan Castle, making the de Clare name big in Norman England, and the terror of Wales (until 1314); Henry brings hanging back as the main means of execution for many crimes after William I and William II only hanged one each, the latter only for poaching royal deer (William of Aldrie in 1096).

Alexander I the Fierce of Scotland (1077-1124)

On Jan. 8, 1107 Edgar I of Scotland (b. 1074) dies (unmarried?), and is succeeded as Canmore king of Scotland (until Apr. 23, 1124) by his younger brother (5th son of Malcolm III Canmore and Queen Margaret Aetheling) Alexander I (the Strong) (the Fierce) (1077-1124) (earl of Gowrie) (named after Pope Alexander II) as another vassal of the English crown; he marries Sibylla (1092-1122), one of Henry I's "brood of bastards", allegedly lacking in modesty and looks; meanwhile Edgar leaves his younger brother David I (1084-1153) (who lived at the court of Henry I and was Normandized) the rule of Cumbria in S Scotland (Lothian and Strathclyde) (N end of Loch Lomond to the Solway River in the S, and E into Tweeddale) in the S and W, disuniting Scotland and pissing-off Alexander I, but as David is one of Henry I's favorites he lets him have it along with additional lands in Lothian along the upper Tweed and Teviot Rives by 1113 after Henry I threatens military intervention, although it sours relations between the brothers; Alexander I gets rid of some old dirty laundry and orders poor blind Donald Bane (b. 1033), the last really Gaelic king of Scotland executed, then shows a little independence by refusing to let his St. Andrews bishops Turgot and Eadmer profess obedience to English archbishops.

In 1114 English king Henry I campaigns in Wales, assisted by Alexander I of Scotland.

In 1115 Scone Abbey (pr. SKOON) on the Tay River 2 mi. E of Perth is founded by Alexander I for the coronation of Scottish kings (until 1651).

In 1116 Prince David of Cumbria (later David I of Scotland) rebuilds the Glasgow Church for the episcopal see, and goes to Tiron, France to visit abbot St. Bernard in person, but arrives after he dies.

David I of Scotland (1084-1153) Pope Honorius II (-1130)

On Apr. 23, 1124 Scottish king (since Jan. 8, 1107) Alexander I (b. 1077) dies in Stirling after "holding his kingdom with a great deal of effort", and his bastard son Malcolm, supported by the Gaelic nobles fights for the crown, but Queen Margaret Aetheling's legit son (by Malcolm III Canmore) David I (1084-1153) becomes Canmore king of Scotland (until May 24, 1153), the last Scottish king to succeed by matrilineal descent (Margaret's 3rd straight son to be king, after Edgar I and Alexander I), and the first feudal (Norman) monarch of Scotland; raised in England and married (1113) to Matilda de Senlis, countess of Northampton, he almost balks at the nobles-only (no priests) Scottish coronation ceremony at Scone, then goes on to establish a feudal system, efficient bureaucracy, Scottish law code and system of sheriffdoms, merchant navy and trade links with Europe, and improved agriculture, and mints Scotland's first native coinage (with silver from royal mines at Alston in Cumberland); a good military man, he extends Scotland's borders to the Tees River, incl. all of Northumberland, creating a "Scoto-Northumbrian" realm, but later mellows and ends up super-religious, finally projecting an image of a long-haired bearded Solomon who cancels hunting trips to hear pleas from widows and the poor, while bleeding the royal treasury dry to fund pious works, causing James I to later call him "ane sair sanct for the croune" (a sorry saint for the crown); from day one he dispossesses the native Scots of their land S of the Forth River and grants it to his Anglo-Norman aristocracy, incl. Robert de Brus (Bruce), who is given Annandale, then Hugh de Morville, Robert Avenel, Walter Fitz Alan (founder of the Stewart Dynasty), the Baliols, Lindsays, and Somervilles; the common Scots end up as serfs for the sell-out aristocracy, while the remaining great Gaelic lords, incl. the Earl of Fife and Earl of Strathearn remain loyal (waiting for a hero to arise to help them fight for their free-ee-dom?); the two classes of serfs and freemen who are bonded to the king are established (until the 14th cent.); David I Romanizes the Scottish Celtic Church, appointing his chaplain John as bishop of Glasgow, and moves the monks from Selkirk to Kelso to be near his new seat of power at Marchidun Castle on the Scottish borders between the Teviot and Tweed Rivers (S of Kelso), which he renames Roxburgh Castle in 1128, which becomes the residence of the Scottish kings until 1297; he creates the title of "high steward of Scotland" (in the royal household) for the FitzAlan clan, which by the time of David II becomes purely honorary, causing them to be called the House of Stewart (Stuart); the first Scottish coins are struck.

Count Geoffrey V Le Bon Plantagenet of Anjou (1113-51) Empress Matilda (Maud) of England (1103-67)

On Aug. 27, 1127 (Pentecost) Geoffrey V "Le Bon" Plantagenet, Count of Anjou (1113-51) marries Empress Matilda (Maude) (1103-67), daughter of Henry I of England and widow of HRE Henry V; David I of Scotland becomes the first secular lord to swear an oath to uphold Matilda's rights to succeed to the English throne should his liege lord Henry I produce no male heir, in return for Henry acquiescing in the ecclesiastical freedom of Glasgow and St. Andrews from York; being an empress and way-outranking him, as well as being 10 years older, she turns out to be a, er, you can figure it out; next year Geoffrey's daddy Count Fulk leaves to become king of Jerusalem, letting him be the cunt, er, count of Anjou, which may or may not have helped.

In 1128 after granting a burgh charter to the 6th cent. Celtic town of Edinburgh (Edenesburg) (originally "Din Eidyn" = hill fort of Eidyn) (modern-day pop. 794K/488K), David I of Scotland refounds Dunfermline Abbey as the #1 royal abbey, also founding the Augustinian Inchcolm Abbey on an island in the Firth of Forth (begun /by Alexander I), and the Augustinian Holyrood Abbey in Edinburgh on a site where he was allegedly miraculously saved from a stag attack when the lost holy rood (cross) fell from its antlers into his hands, causing the animal to turn and flee; Holyrood Church becomes a refuge for criminals and debtors; in the early 1300s it is expanded and turned into Holyrood House; in the 15th cent. it becomes a palace; in 1671-8 a new Holyrood Palace is built in a quadrangle layout; David I later founds the Augustinian Cambuskenneth (Stirling) Abbey; Edinburgh is not granted city status until 1889.

Alba go bragh, baby? On Apr. 16, 1130 after Alexander I's bastard son Malcolm (Mael Coluim mac Alaxandair) and Earl Angus (Mormaer Oengus) of Moray (son of the daughter of Lulach, stepson of Macbeth) lead a last-hope Gaelic revolt against Norman butt-kisser David I, their 5K men are slaughtered and defeated by a Norman army under Anglo-Saxon noble (later lord high constable to David I in 1140-50) Edward Siwardsson at the Battle of Stracathro (Inchbare) near Brechin in Angus; Earl Angus is KIA along with 4K of his men (vs. 1K Anglo-Saxons), becoming the last Gaelic earl of Moray, ending the Mormaerdom, but Malcolm escapes to fight another day; David I seizes Angus' estates, subdues Moray and grants it to his nephew (son of Duncan II) William fitz Duncan (-1147) (until 1147), and builds royal castles in Elgin, Forres, and Inverness to consolidate his hold, then brings in Fleming Freskin colonists, going on to gain control of most of mainland Scotland by the middle of the decade, making himself #2 in the British Isles; to pacify the Gaelic pop. he grants charters of privileges to commercial settlements growing up around his new castles, but shows who's boss by endowing the Benedictine Urquhart Priory on Earl Angus' estate in 1136 as a daughter to his royal Dunfermline Abbey.

In 1131 the Bishopric of Aberdeen (Gael. "mouth of the Dee River") in Scotland is first mentioned.

In 1134 Scottish pretender Malcolm is captured and imprisoned in Roxburgh Castle, ending the hopes of the Gaels, but later, after 20 years of stability and economic prosperity in an era of English anarchy, they come to accept it? - they call it being thrifty?

In 1136 Scottish king David I invades N England allegedly to support Matilda, but really to take possession of "his" parts there, incl. Cumberland, Westmorland, and Northumberland, capturing Carlisle and Newcastle, then sieging Durham before Stephen I meets him there with his army, and they agree to a peace treaty greatly favoring the Scots, which gives David time to recuperate after 2 mo. of Vs; David I refuses to do homage to Stephen, but permits his son Earl Henry to do so in order to gain control of some English territory, getting him created earl of Huntingdon, lord of Doncaster, and confirmed in possession of Carlisle; David surrenders Newcastle in return for tacit acceptance of his son's future rights to Northumberland; meanwhile Matilda continues to assert her right to the English throne, with Stephen's whimpy indecisiveness playing into her hands and encouraging the barons to trespass on the king's rights, leading to widespread anarchy.

Melrose Abbey, 1136

In 1136 David I founds the super-austere Cistercian Melrose Abbey in Tweeddale about 2.5 mi. W of Old Melrose and 37 mi. SE of Edinburgh on the S bank of the Tweed River with monks from Rievaulx in Yorkshire, becoming the first Cistercian abbey in Scotland - the original Melrose Place?

Look and feel your best with a beauty career? In Jan. 1138 David I of Scotland invades Northumberland for the 3rd time in support of Matilda, stinking himself up with atrocities, incl. murder, blackmail, church desecration, and giving female captives to Gaelic levies as slaves, which shocks the English, who had thought of David as "their" guy, trying to help a woman, er, forget it (really shock at their vaunted cultural and economic superiority being shown up?); in Feb. Stephen rounds up an army and launches a counter-raid into Lothian, but avoids the Scots, and Stephen retreats to England; in June David splits his armies, putting a Gaelic one in charge of his nephew William Fitz Duncan, earl of Moray, who heads to Lancashire and harries Craven and Furness, then defeats a Norman army on June 10 at the Battle of Clitheroe in Lancashire at the S edge of the Yorkshire Dales near Bowland Falls; on Aug. 22 after the Scots take Cumberland, Northumberland, Carlisle, and Bamburgh Castle, and reunite on the S side of the Tyne River, the 3-hour Battle of the Standard(s) on Cowton Moor near Northallerton in Yorkshire on the Great North Road is a big D for the 16K Scots, led by David I, who get their butts kicked by a 10K-man English force led by William le Gros, 1st Earl of Abemarle (-1179), and cheered on by Archbishop Thurstan of York, who fights on a hill behind a chariot carrying a ship's mast topped with a bunch of consecrated you-know-whats (St. Peter of York, St. Cuthbert of Durham, St. Wilfrid of Ripon, St. John of Beverley), and decimates the pesky charging Scots (crying "Albanaich!" - "men of Scotland!") with arrows until they give up and retreat after David's Norman vassals split ranks with him, not wanting to fight against fellow Normans alongside "Galwegians" (Gaels), and the leaders of the latter get killed despite zany charges against arrows while wearing no chain mail; meanwhile a group of English barons rebel on behalf of Matilda, keeping Stephen from following up his V against the Scots, and allowing David to retire to Carlisle Castle with most of his army intact and consolidate his hold on seized territory, agreeing to a 6-week truce in late Sept., then capturing pesky Wark on Tweed (Carham) Castle on the Tweed River in Northumberland in Nov., which had been under siege since Jan. and wasn't mentioned; meanwhile Earl Robert of Gloucester declares for Matilda, and is defeated in Normandy by Count Waleran of Meulan, while his English allies are crushed by Stephen and driven back to Bristol; Castle Cary in Somerset is sieged by Stephen; in 1141 Stephen makes Flemish gen. William of Ypres the new earl of Kent, until Henry II pulls the plug in 1155; Sir Henry Sinclair (1100-65) is rewarded with lands in Cardaine for his services at the Battle of the Standard.

Matilda of Boulogne (1105-52)

On Sept. 30, 1139 after Henry I's daughter Matilda, aided by her half-brother Earl Robert of Gloucester prepares to invade England to claim the throne, they land at Arundel in Norfolk, and civil war is on, forcing Stephen I to send his wife Queen Maud (Matilda) of Boulogne (1105-52) (a Matilda clone to throw off later historyscopers?) to sign a truce with David I of Scotland on Apr. 9, confirming his son Earl Henry in possession of the 1136 estates, plus the earldom of Northumbria, but excluding the key English castles of Newcastle and Bamburgh and the bishopric of Durham between the Tyne and Tees Rivers; David returns his hostages, and Earl Henry marries Ada de Warenne (Adeline de Varenne) (1120-78), sister of one of Stephen's key supporters William de Warenne, 3rd Earl of Surrey (1119-48), binding him into Stephen's service, although David is now out from under the English kings' shadow and is his own man; meanwhile Earl Robert leaves for Bristol, allowing Stephen to blockade Matila in Arundel Castle along with Henry II's 2nd wife Queen Adeliza, but he proves a sport and lets them escape under escort to Bristol, after which Matilda sets up her base in W England and the Severn Valley.

In 1141 the town of St. Andrews in Fife, E Scotland (modern-day pop. 16.8K) is founded by Bishop Robert, later becoming the official ecclesiastical capital of Scotland, and the home of golf in 1754.

In 1149 David I of Scotland knights his great-nephew Henry Plantagenet (future Henry II of England), extracting a promise that when he is crowned he will respect the territorial status quo, and celebrates by sending an army led by William fitz Duncan (1090-1147) to seize York, which fails by a cat's whisker.

In June 1152 37-y.-o. Earl Henry (b. 1115) dies, leaving 70-something David I of Scotland without a male heir, and during the summer he takes Henry's 9-y.-o. 2nd son William (b. 1143) to Newcastle to be invested as earl of Northumberland while sending the eldest son Malcolm (b. 1141) on a progress around Scotland accompanied by Earl Duncan of Fife to secure his recognition as king-designate - Barney Fife jokes here?

Malcolm IV of Scotland (1141-65)

On May 24, 1153 king (since Apr. 1124) David I (b. 1180) dies at Carlisle, and his grandson (eldest son of Earl Henry of Huntingdon, who died in 1152) Malcolm IV (Mael Coluim mac Eanric) (the Maiden) (Virgo) (1141-65) becomes Canmore king of Scotland (until Dec. 9, 1965) (last to have a Gaelic name), which over the next four reigns consolidates itself and heads for a collision with the Norman English monarchy; meanwhile part-Norse Somerled (Somhairle) (Somhairlidh) (Norse "summer sailor") (-1164) of Argyll, his son Dubgall, and his nephew Donald Mac Malcolm rebel against Malcolm IV in favor of the Mac Alexander lineage (ends 1156); Malcolm IV is called the Maiden because of his eternal celibacy, modeled after Sir Galahad?

In 1158 Somerled invades the Isle of Man with 53 ships, defeats Godfred V and forces him to flee to Norway, making Somerled the first Gaelic Lord of the Isles (until 1164), from the Isle of Man to the Butt of Lewis - erin go bragh?

In 1158 St. Andrews Cathedral in St. Andrews, Fife, Scotland is begun by Bishop Robert of Scone (1122-59); it is dedicated in 1318.

In 1159 An English army led by Thomas Becket invades Toulouse to assert the rights of Eleanor, but Louis VII drives them off; Malcolm IV and his younger brother William obey a summons to give service in Toulouse, and on June 30 Henry knights Malcolm in Perigueux, which turns him on because his daddy David had taught him that knighthood was the ultimate high, and Malcolm then knights William, but the whole idea of kissing English butt pisses-off the Gaelic nobles, who attempt to seize him at Perth when he returns, but are defeated and forced to submit; Malcolm then invades Galloway and defeats its ruler Fergus and forces him into retirement as a canon in Holyrood Abbey, and partitions his lands between Fergus' sons; this proves that even though Malcolm is called the Maiden for his unpopped cherry he's no whimp with a shield and lance, and also cements William's love of Frankish chivalry, causing him to call himself William de Warenne to emphasize his mother's Anglo-Norman heritage and snub his daddy's royal Scottish heritage?

William I the Lion of Scotland (1143-1214) Royal Flag of Scotland

On Dec. 9, 1165 ever-sick Jedburgh Knight Maiden king (since May 24, 1153) Malcolm IV (b. 1141) dies a virgin (no heirs) in Jedburgh, and is succeeded as Scottish Canmore king by his 22-y.-o. brother William I the Lion (1143-1214), who is crowned king of Scotland at Scone on Dec. 24 (until Dec. 4, 1214), becoming Scotland's longest-reigning medieval monarch, and the one who has the time to lose Scotland to England; during his lifetime he is known as William the Rough (Gael. Garm), but after he adopts the Red Lion Flag and becomes popular after his death, they adopt it as the royal flag of Scotland and change his nickname too; from now on all Scottish kings are "Frenchmen in race, manners, language and culture", and "keep only Frenchmen in their household and following and have reduced the Scots to utter servitude" - finish your quiche?

1170 - The Becket Murdered on the Altar Year?

Henry the Young King of England (1155-83) Earl Roger 'the Good' de Clare (1115-73) Murder of St. Thomas Becket (b. 1118), Dec. 29, 1170 St. Thomas Becket (1118-70)

You are everything, and everything is you? Look me in the eye, boy, you are quarterback of this team until I tell you different? In Apr. 1170 William I of Scotland visits Henry II's court at Windsor, then visits his estates in Huntingdon, then on June 14 attends the coronation at Westminster of Henry II's eldest son Henry the Young King (1155-83) as official English successor, giving him personal homage on June 15; the attempt of the archbishop of York (backed by Henry II) to do the anointing causes archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Becket (b. 1118) to get pissed-off and obtain the support of Pope Alexander III and Louis VII in a showdown, causing Henry II to exile Becket, but Henry II repents and backs down, and formally reconciles, and Becket returns to Canterbury on Dec. 25 and excommunicates three pro-Henry bishops, who flee to Henry II in Normandy, causing him to go into a rage, and backs down, and formally reconciles, and Becket returns to Canterbury on Dec. 25 and excommunicates three pro-Henry bishops, who flee to Henry II in Normandy, causing him to go into a rage, uttering the soundbyte: "Will no one rid me of this troublesome/meddlesome/turbulent priest?" (probably not, but he should have?) and/or "What! Shall a man who has eaten my bread... insult the king and all the kingdom, and not one of the lazy servants whom I nourish at my table does me right for such an affront?", causing four of Henry's Norman baron knights incl. Hugh de Morville (1155-1204) (Fr. "dead village"), William II de Tracy (-1189) (Gael. "fierce, warlike"), Reginald Fitzurse (1145-73) (Gael. "son of the bear"), and Richard le Bret(on) (de Brito) (Fr. "the brute") to take him literally, swear an oath to kill him, and cross over to England to find him, apparently without the ing's knowledge; on the way to Canterbury they stop at Bletchingley Castle to see Earl Roger the Good de Clare (1115-73), grandson of Earl Gilbert de Clare (-1117) (an expert on hunting accidents?); on Dec. 29 (5 p.m.) they find Becket in Canterbury Cathedral at Vespers, demand that he lift the excommunications, and when he refuses they begin arguing with him and try to arrest him, and when the 6'2" dude (compared to an avg. height of 5' back then) resists, they murder him on the altar, with Fitz Urse drawing first blood, knocking off the crown of his head and spilling his blood and brains all over the floor (in the shape of a rose and lily?), after which they all close in and finish him off, then stir the brains with a sword to be sure he's dead before leaving; too bad, the locals immediately steal samples of his blood in cloths and vials, then announce miraculous cures within days, turning him into a martyr, causing anger against the king and assassins to spread throughout Europe, all to the chagrin of kingy back in Normandy, who is called the new Nero and Judas, holing-up in his chamber for three days sans food while sending emissaries to the pope to declare his innocence and promising to perform penance; Pope Alexander III uses the opportunity to save Louis VII from Henry II's wrath; Becket is hastily entombed in a crypt without bathing (since he's bathed in martyr's blood), and the cathedral soon becomes a center of pilgrimage for England's new martyr of church-state relations, with 2M+ words written about his miracles; the word "canter" comes into use from the easy Canterbury gallop which medieval pilgrims use to ride to the town; Becket is discovered to be wearing an itchy-scratchy goat-hair shirt beneath his sacerdotal robes along with breeches of the same that "swarmed with vermin", cinching his martyr status; the four bad barons do lifetime penance by becoming Crusaders in the Holy Land.

In 1175 the O'Fergus brothers Gillebrigde and Uhtred of Galloway, Scotland rebel against William I (until 1185), and Donald Mac William, grandson of Duncan II starts a rising in N Scotland (until 1187).

In 1175 William of Douglas is first mentioned in documents, becoming the first member of the Scottish Douglas (Gael. "dubh glas" = dark water) family in Lanark in the Vale of Douglas; his son Sir Archibald (Erkenbald) de Douglas (1213-40) becomes the first to attain knighthood.

Richard I Lionheart of England (1157-99)

On July 6, 1189 after Richard Lionheart delays his trip to the Holy Land immediately and joins his father Henry II (b. 1133) of England on an attack on Raymond of Toulouse, and Philip II comes to Raymond's aid, and Richard in a fit of anger at hearing that his brother John is now daddy's favorite switches sides, invading Henry's heartland of Anjou with Philip II and taking NW Touraine, after which Henry II is driven from Le Mans (his birth town, dear to his heart) to Saumur, defeated, forced to pay homage to Philip II for all his French possessions and acknowledge Richard as his heir, he is harried to his death in Chinon, cursing his sons with his last breath, after which Richard pays respects to his corpse as it is taken to Fontrevaud Abbey, upon which "blood flowed from the nostrils of the deceased, as if... indignant at the presence of the one who was believed to have caused his death" (Roger of Wendover); he gets the last laugh with pesky martyr Thomas Becket when secular courts begin taking jurisdiction from clerical courts, liberating English law from feudal and ecclesiastical constraints and making it as supreme as in imperial Rome; on Sept. 3 French-speaking eldest remaining son Richard I Lionheart (Coeur de Lion) Plantagenet (1157-99), a military adventurer and leading trouvere (not much of an administrator type, infected with the skeptical culture of Provence and the gay science of the troubadours, making him English in name only?), who owns the Cognac region in W France is crowned the 26th monarch and Plantagenet king #2 of England (until Apr. 6, 1199), releasing his mommy Eleanor of Aquitaine from imprisonment (since 1173); he spends the next 5 mo. raising money to go on Crusade, appropriating the royal treasury, removing thousands of officials and selling them their offices back, and selling charters of freedom to cities; in his 10-year reign he only visits England twice, for a few mo. at a time, and only to obtain money for going on Crusade; he plays the part of a good Crusader and bans Christ-killing Jews from the coronation, after which the London pop. gets it mixed up and thinks he ordered their extermination, massacring them for Christ, the pogrom spreading to Lincoln, Stamford, and Linn; the London pogrom was started by nobles trying to get out of debts owed to Jews?; a mob led by Richard de Malabestia kills 300 Jews in York; 150 Jews led by Rabbi Yom Tob commit suicide; Richard I forgives William the Marshall for attemped murder, as the sonnet by Lord Dagonell Collingwood goes, "Count Richard forgave King Henry's knight, for William did only what he knew was right"; the Scottish church, which Henry II had subordinated to the English makes itself directly answerable to the pope in an attempt to retain independence; on Dec. 5 Richard I annuls the 1174 Treaty of Falaise for 15K (10K?) marks in the Quitclaim of Canterbury to help finance his war against the Sacrilegious Saracens, and the Scots avoid being permanently swallowed-up once again, with William I now at the height of his power, enjoying a golden decade and becoming known as the Lion of Justice.

Alexander II of Scotland (1198-1249)

On Dec. 4, 1214 after making a summer trip to Moray to sign an accord with Earl John of Orkney, becoming sick on the return journey, and taking to bed when he reaches Stirling on Sept. 8, king (since Dec. 9, 1165) William I the Lion (b. 1143) dies, and on Dec. 4 his son (by Ermengarde de Beaumont) Alexander II (1198-1249) becomes king of Scotland (until July 6, 1249), and is crowned Canmore king of Scotland at Scone, attending his daddy's funeral on Dec. 9; his coronation before the funeral is a ploy to get the stubborn Scots to accept male primogeniture and keep his uncle (William I's brother) David, Earl of Huntington (1144-1219) (founder of the line leading to King John I Baliol and King Robert I) and the Mac William clan from having time to object that only an adult traditionally can become king in Scotland?; this doesn't stop Donald Ban Mac William (Meic Uilleim) (-1215) (descendant of Duncan II, who staged an uprising in 1181 and captured Ross) from starting a rising in Ross and Moray, which ends with his death next June 15 - another head in a box addressed to the king?

In 1272 Scottish knight Robert Bruce, 6th Lord of Annandale (1243-1304) marries Marjorie Carrick, heiress of Earl Neil of Carrick, becoming the 2nd earl of Carrick and going on to have 11 children, incl. King Robert I the Bruce (b. 1274); too bad, he doesn't have royal consent to marry, causing her to temporarily lose her castle and estates until she pays a fine.

In 1278 Alexander III of Scotland does homage to the English king for his English lands, "reserving" his Scottish fealty - was he thrown out of school?

In Jan. 1284 Prince Alexander (b. 1264), last male heir of widower (since 1275) Alexander III of Scotland dies, leaving only his 9-mo.-old granddaughter Margaret of Norway (b. 1283) as a legitimate heir, which causes him to send a delegation to France to seek a wife next Feb., beginning a long chain of troubles for Scotland as Edward I of England, the Hammer of the Scots decides that this is his cue to finish the pesky Scots off, after he disposes of the Welsh?

On Apr. 25, 1284 Edward II (d. 1327), son of Edward I is born in Wales, and Alexander III hints to Edward I that he might later marry his granddaughter Margaret of Norway - I'm so hot for him and he's so cold?

Queen Yolande de Dreux of Scotland (1263-1330)

On Oct. 15, 1285 Alexander III of Scotland (b. 1241) marries his much younger 2nd wife Yolande de Dreux (1263-1330), sister of Count Jean of Dreux at Jedburgh, with a ghostly apparition allegedly appearing at the wedding as a bad omen - what else can go wrong?

In the 1290s Robert I the Bruce of Scotland builds the Gothic arch Auld Brig o' Balgownie across the Don River in Aberdeen (N Scotland), which survives to modern times; Lord Byron mentions the deep salmon pool below it in "Don Juan".

Who's that lady, beautiful lady, lovely lady, really fine lady, look but don't touch? Big mistake in Scotland? On July 18, 1290 the Treaty of Birgham (Salisbury) in Berwickshire between Edward I of England, Eric II of Norway, and the Six Scottish Guardians formalizes the betrothal of 6-y.-o. Edward II (b. 1284) to 7-y.-o. Queen Margaret of Scots (b. 1283), the Maid of Norway, with the happy couple to hold Scotland as a "separate and divided" kingdom; Edward I sends a lavish fleet (captained, according to the folk song, by Sir Patrick Spens, who is sent "To Noroway, to Noroway") to fetch the bride from Norway, but she leaves Bergen in Aug. in a Norwegian vessel under the care of Bishop Navre of Bergen bound for Norwegian soil on Orkney, where an embassy of Scottish knights sent by William Fraser, bishop of St. Andrews is to meet and escort her to Scone for her inauguration; too bad, on Sept. 26 the first rumors reach Scotland that she has died of illness (smallpox? too much rotten walrus meat?) before or after reaching Orkney, and is taken back to Bergen, ending the Canmore Dynasty and leaving no obvious heir, bringing out the worst in Scottish clannishness, starting with Robert Bruce, 5th Lord of Annandale arriving at the site of Queen Margaret's planned coronation with an army after hearing that his friends the earl of Mar and earl of Atholl are raising their forces; the descendants of David of Scotland, 8th Earl of Huntington (1144-1219), paternal grandson of David I of Scotland, and brother of William I the Lion (father of Alexander II, who started the spent line of Alexander III) lead the pack of 13 claimants, who incl. Edward I himself (whose claim is based on his descent from Edith, wife of Henry I of England and daughter of Malcolm III of Scotland), John de Balliol (1249-1313), son of John Balliol, 5th baron de Balliol of Barnard Castle and Devorguilla of Galloway (daughter of David's daughter Margaret), Robert Bruce, 5th Lord of Annandale (1215-95) (grandfather of future King Robert I the Bruce), and John Hastings, 2nd Baron Hastings (1287-1325); too bad, since there are three women between them and Earl David, and you know what they think about that, civil war looms, with the Bruces, who are lords of Annandale and earls of Carrick in camp #1, and the Balliols, who are lords of Durham and Galloway, backed by the Bruce's local rivals the Comyns and other lords of Galloway in camp #2; smelling napalm (victory) in the morning, and already considering himself king, er, overlord of Scotland, Edward I holds a parliament in Kings Clipstone in Nottinghamshire and summons the Scottish magnates to meet him at Norham Castle in NW Nottinghamshire, claiming the right (of Norman blueblood superiority?) to mediate and decide the controversy, with an implied threat of English invasion; despite opposition by the Scottish people, each candidate acknowledges Edward I as overlord by next May, letting him appoint a commission to examine their claims, meanwhile taking over the govt. of Scotland himself - so Longshanks can tell his puppet commissioners to choose the biggest whimp, who will become his puppet king and march into Scotland leading an English army to take it without firing an arrow, with the sell-out Normanized Scottish nobles applauding it, while the "inferior" Celtic common Scots are scheduled for extermination, forcing the real patriots to flee to the highlands to fight for their free-ee-ee-dom? Or was Balliol really the best claimant, and Scotland's time was just up? Like all wars, the Jews started this one too, right Mel (insert music and mugshot here?)

In Nov. 1290 John Balliol, claiming to be "heir to the kingdom of Scotland" grants lands in Cumberland held by dead king Alexander III to Bishop Anthony Beck of Durham, Edward I's emissary to Scotland - in order to impress him?

Sir William Wallace (1272-1305)

In May 1291 Edward I meets with the Scottish barons in Norham to get them to acknowledge him as overlord of Scotland; the Bruces do so first, the Balliols last; the Great Cause, an 18-mo. legal hearing to decide the kingship of Scotland begins (ends 1292); on June 11 as Lord Paramount of Scotland, Edward I orders all Scottish castles to be placed under the control of his army, which he uses to force them to surrender and accept his supremacy until he, er, his commission picks a successor to the Scottish throne (he never said they'd leave?); in Nov.-Dec. Sir Malcolm Wallace (b. 1249) and his son Malcolm Jr. are killed by an English knight named Sir Fenwick at Loudon Hill for refusing to swear allegiance, and in Dec. the pissed-off eldest remaining son, tall (6'7"? 6'5"? 6'4"?), handsome, studly, educated 19-y.-o. poetry-quoting dornick-thrower and hurly-burly maker William Wallace (1272-1305) kills Selby, son of the constable (sheriff) of Dundee (a seaport in E Scotland on the Firth of Tay) and goes into hiding - what about the story of the wet dream Scottish lass?

Scottish King John Balliol (1249-1313) Kiss My Booty, or Toom Tabbard John Balliol being crowned by Edward I, Dec. 26, 1292

On Nov. 7, 1292 Robert de Brus, 5th Lord of Annandale (1215-95) concedes loss of the Great Cause, and resigns Annandale to his son Robert de Brus, 6th Lord of Annandale (1243-1304), father of future Scottish king (1306-29) Robert I the Bruce (1274-1329). On Nov. 17, 1292 John de Balliol (an Anglo-Saxon magnate having little Scottish blood) is selected by Edward I's commissioners; on Nov. 20 in return for Edward surrendering the govt. of Scotland to him, he swears an oath of fealty to him as his lord paramount, and the Great Seal of Scotland is broken up and sent to Westminster; on Nov. 30 (St. Andrew's Day) he is crowned king John I Balliol (1249-1313) of Scotland (until July 10, 1296) at Scone Abbey near Perth (in E Perthshire), becoming the last king to be crowned on the Stone of Scone (pr. SKOON); as an omen the ceremony is overseen by Edward's officials instead of the usual Scottish earls and churchmen; Robert the Bruce the 7th refuses to do homage to him; on Dec. 26 John is recrowned personally by Edward I in Newcastle, renewing his homage to his overlord and releasing him from any past promises about Scottish autonomy, further degrading Scotland to a province of England, while Edward, as overlord, begins hearing appeals from Scottish courts despite everything King John can do - while the common Scots soil their kilts?

Is this the beginning or is this the end, when will I see you again? In 1294 Philip IV announces a war levy on the clergy, and when they balk he begins a violent anti-papal pamphlet campaign, debasing the currency to finance the war; meanwhile in the summer Edward I demands that King John I Balliol supply Scottish soldiers for his war on France; although he is ready to do it, the nobles balk, and set up a council of 12 magnates (ecclesiastics and nobles) to rule in his place but in his name, and it declares estates held by Englishmen in Scotland forfeited; the Welsh see their chance, unite and revolt, causing Edward to waste a year on them, while depleting his French expedition of troops.

On Apr. 1, 1295 Robert Bruce the 5th (b. 1215) (original claimant of 1290) dies, and on Apr. 3 his son Robert Bruce the 6th, 2nd earl of Carrick resigns his earldom to his 18-y.-o. son Robert Bruce the 7th (future Robert I), and goes on an extended tour of the Holy Land.

In 1295 at the urging of the Committee of Twelve, King John Balliol ignores a summons to attend Edward I, and instead the Scots and the French sign the Auld Alliance, one of the world's first mutual defense treaties, which lasts almost three cents., with France agreeing to invade England if England invades Scotland; France excludes English ships from its ports - Scotland becomes the Cuba of the 14th-16th cents.?

Toom Tabard John de Balliol surrendering the crown of Scotland to Edward, 1296 John de Warenne, 8th Earl of Surrey (1286-1347) Andrew de Moray (-1297)

On Mar. 26, 1296 the First Scottish War of Independence (ends May 1, 1328) begins after English under Edward I sack the Scottish main port of Berwick-upon-Tweed on the Scottish-English border, and massacre 8K, declaring it a free borough ("county of itself"), pissing-off the Scots (it takes until 1318 to get it back), and on Apr. 5 King John I Balliol renounces his fealty to England and holes up in Berwick Castle, with forces commanded by Sir William the Hardy (le Hardi) of Douglas (1255-98), which is taken by Edward I, with Douglas captured and imprisoned; Sir John Wogan (de Wogan), Lord of Picton (-1321), Norman justiciar of Ireland (since 1295) organizes a force with Richard Og de Burgh, 2nd Earl of Ulster, Theobald Butler, and John FitzGerald, 1st Earl of Kildare to assist English king Edward I Longshanks in his war against the pesky Scots; on Apr. 27 the English, led by John de Warenne, 8th Earl of Surrey (1286-1347) (Balliol's father-in-law) rout the Scots (who are not led by Balliol) at the First Battle of Dunbar (1489, 1650), where Robert Bruce the 8th obeys his father and sides with Edward I in hopes of receiving the kingship of Scotland as a vassal of the English crown; 10K Scots are KIA, and the Stone of Scone is taken to Westminster Abbey and placed under the coronation chair (until 1996) (where English monarchs can fart on it to show what they think of Scottish independence?); Sir William Sinclair of Rosslyn is captured, and ends up dying in the Tower of London, and his son Henry is also captured and imprisoned in St. Briavels Castle; Dundee Castle is taken and garrisoned by English troops; Roxburgh Castle on the Scottish borders, residence of the Scottish kings since David I in 1128 is captured by the English, and goes on to change hands repeatedly until it is destroyed in 1460; on Aug. 22 Edward I appoints John de Warenne "warden of the kingdom and land of Scotland", soon claiming that the Scottish climate is bad for his health and returnin S to England, only to be called back next spring and returning after intially refusing; Sir Hugh de Cressingham (-1297) becomes treasurer of the English admin. in Scotland, and advisor to John de Warenne, becoming hated by the Scots while the English don't like him either; on July 7 after fleeing NE, John Balliol surrenders in Montrose, is taken W to Stracathro, stripped of his royal vestments and forced to denounce his French alliance, then forced to renounce his kingship on July 10 at Brechin; in Aug. he is again ceremonially stripped of his royal regalia by Edward I and made to pay homage to him in his underwear (white shirt and underpants) (hence the nickname Toom Tabard or empty coat), and held in the Tower of London along with his son Edward Balliol; Robert the Bruce requests the kingship of Scotland from Edward I, and is turned down; Scottish landowners are forced to sign the Ragman Rolls, swearing allegiance to Edward I, although many refuse and become rebels, running to the highlands with weapons made out of farm implements; Douglas is released and his estates restored, then joins William Wallace's revolt, is captured again, and dies in the Tower of London in 1298; three English commissioners are appointed by Edward to rule Scotland in his name, but they fail to move against the rebels and alienate everybody; English troops garrison Edinburgh castle (until 1313); English abuses of the Scots, esp. Prima Nocta (Ius Primae Noctis) (Lat. "first night") (first knockup?) AKA Droit du seigneur ("right of the lord") arouse bitter animosity, causing highland revolts by ballsy knight Andrew de Moray (Murray) (1270-97) et al. - just when the Scots are about to wink out, a hero arises and teaches them how to fight for their free-ee-ee-dom?

In 1296 an English expedition launched against France is undersized and makes little headway, and Edward I goes too far in trying to force the nobility to give money to finance all his wars, causing them to arm themselves against him, but Edward I backs down, and instead squeezes the Church, but Canterbury archbishop (since 1294) Robert Winchelsey (Winchelsea) (1245-1313) tells him to stuff it, and appeals to Pope Boniface VIII, who on Feb. 5 issues the bull Clericis Laicos, which begins "Antiquity reports that laymen are exceedingly hostile to the clergy, and our experience certainly shows this to be true at present", forbidding the clergy of any country (esp. pesky France and England) from paying taxes to lay rulers without his permission; when the English clergy refuse a royal demand for a fifth, Edward I, backed by public opinion outlaws them and withdraws the protection of the royal courts, bringing them to their knees until they get around the bull by giving the crown "presents", while the recalcitrant ones get their lands and manors seized; Philip IV retaliates against the bull by forbidding export of precious metals, threatening papal finances, and waging a propaganda campaign; the pope soon caves in and modifies his bull sheet to permit clergy to pay a tax to a lay ruler in case of an "emergency", practically annulling it - what happened to founder Jesus Christ and his story of the rich man's chances of going to heaven?

1297 - The Braveheart Year? Big year for the Scots, and the English 9/11 year as Scottish hero Sir William Wallace kicks stankin' sterling English butt?

In spring 1297 the Franco-Flemish War (ends 1305) begins when Edward I invades N France with a large force in alliance with Count Guy of Flanders, who hopes to get revenge on Philip IV, to which Philip responds by declaring Flanders annexed to the royal domain, on Aug. 20 the Battle of Furnes (Veurne) sees Guy defeated by Robert II of Artois, causing Edward to make peace with Philip next year and leave Guy in the lurch; Count Walram of Julich (Jülich) (b. 1240) is brutally murdered by the French after surrendering, pissing-off the Flemish, who get even at the Battle of the Golden Spurs in 1302; meanwhile Edward leaves John Warenne, earl of Surrey as his gen. in charge of Scotland, giving William Wallace a free hand to attack the English; in May Wallace's new wife Marian "Cornelia" Braidfoot (Braidfute) (b. 1278) of Lamington (Murron MacClannough in the 1995 "Braveheart" flick), whom he just married in the St. Kentigern Church in Lanark in S Scotland is executed under orders of Lanark sheriff Sir William de Hazelrig (Heselrig) in her own house, pissing-off Wallace bigtime and causing him to attack the Lanarck garrison and kill Hazelrig and dismember his body; Wallace, who has killed an English sheriff and is now a big rebel attracts many followers, then attempts to surprise the English judiciar at Scone, and holes up with a large force in Selkirk Forest while Robert the Bruce, after conferring with Bishop Robert Wishart of Glasgow and Wallace's daddy's liege lord James Stewart the High Steward of Scotland decides to help Wallace in the summer, in Balliol's name but really with himself in mind, claiming to "join my own people and the nation in which I was born", but on June 9 he and his nobles capitulate to the English at the Capitulation of Irvine in Ayrshire in SW Scotland, and are chastened but allowed to keep their lands; watching the *!?*! nobles sell-out just makes Wallace and Andrew Murray madder, and they take control of the rebel army and consolidate it.

Sir William Wallace (1272-1305) Battle of Stirling Bridge, Sept. 11, 1297

Here are Scotland's terms: Your commander will come out here and kiss his own arse, and then you stankin' English will lay down your weapons and march back to England, stopping at every village and hamlet along the way to apologize for a hundred years of rape and pillage, or or we'll slay every last one of you today, erin go bragh - oops? The 1995 Mel Gibson film Braveheart is moose hockey? On Sept. 11, 1297 (Sept. 19 Gregorian) (Thur.) after they retake Dundee Castle, the way-outnumbered Scots (nobles and commoners) under the leadership of oh-what-a-man 6'7" (6-6? 6-4? 5-10?) 25-y.-o. William Wallace (1272-1305) (carrying a 5'7" Claymore in a scabbard on his back?) and Andrew (de) Murray (b. 1270) defeat the English army under John Warenne, 6th Earl of Surrey (1231-1304) in the not-quite-sporting Battle of Stirling Bridge, "the gateway of the Highlands", originally deployed across the impassible Forth River at the end of a valley from Stirling Castle, catching the English marching single file on the bridge then trapping and cutting them in half before slaughtering them with their farm implements and an occasional stolen English weapon or family Claymore (which isn't okay according to the rules of chivalry, which say they must be allowed to set up on the field of battle first?); 5K English are KIA; Wallace has Warrene's back flayed and turns the skin into a souvenir; the Scots shout "Alba go Bragh" (Gael. "Scotland forever", a version of Erin go Bragh or Ireland/Freedom forever); (Erin Go Bragh - go over there baby an' take off your bra, Freedom Forever?); Andrew Murray is mortally wounded, leaving posth. son Sir Andrew Murray, Lord of Petty and Bothwell (1298-1338), and Wallace becomes sole rebel leader, and by the end of Oct. no English soldiers remain on Scottish soil; on Oct. 18 he invades Northumbria all the way to Durham County, never reaching York, but scaring Longshanks enough to make him swear to destroy Wallace completely; he then recrosses the Tweed River on Christmas; meanwhile Edward I is in Flanders fighting the French, causing him to begin negotiations with Philip IV to free him to kick their kilted butts ASAP; meanwhile after Edward I demands heavy taxes on personal property for the 4th consecutive year, and the barons and the higher clergy protest, along with the middle classes, a coalition led by Archbishop Winchelsea drafts the Norman French Confirmation of the Charters (Confirmatio Cartarum), the most important document since the 1215 Magna Charta, confirming it and other charters, with the provision that no non-feudal levy on personal property can be laid by the crown without a parliamentary grant "by the common assent of all the realm"; the English Parliament of the future is foreshadowed, along with the principle of no taxation without representation; too bad, Longshanks never actually grants the concession, leaving it to his son Edward II as regent, and Pope Clement V later frees Longshanks from his promise in exchange for the right to collect annates in England.

In Mar. 1298 William Wallace is knighted by Robert Bruce the 8th in Tor Wood (Selkirk Forest), and elected guardian of Scotland ("governor of Scotland in name of King John") by the Scottish nobles; out of love of Scotland Wallace fights for the return of ineffective King John Balliol (Toom Tabard).

Scottish Bishop William de Lamberton

In Mar. 1298 after ending the French-English Gascony War (begun 1293) with a truce with Philip IV the Fair of France negotiated by Pope Boniface VIII, requiring him to marry Marguerite of France in return for the key city of Guinne and £15K, Edward I Longshanks returns to England, immediately organizing an army to invade pesky Scotland, moving his govt. to York (until 1304); in Apr. a council of war is held, and when the Scottish magnates fail to appear they are declared to be traitors, and Edward I orders his army to assemble in Roxburgh on June 25, and assembles 28.8K men incl. 3K cavalry, 14.8K infantry, and 11K Welsh longbowmen, marching N in early July to take on pesky rebel Sir William Wallace and his ragtag Scots, who deprive them of provisions along the way by removing all food and pop., causing them to begin starving and rioting at Temple Liston near Edinburgh, ended by the English cavalry killing 80 drunken Welshmen; on July 22 after Edward I decides to fall back to Edinburgh then learns that Wallace is holed-up in Callendar Wood near Falkirk only 13 mi. away to harass their retreat, uttering the soundbyte: "As God lives... they need not pursue me, for I will meet them this day", the First Battle of Falkirk (AKA Eaglais Breac, from Gael. "church of speckled stone") (2nd in 1746) in Stirlingshire 3 mi. S of Grangemouth on the Firth of Forth (22 mi. NE of Glasgow) (near the ruins of the Antonine Wall) sees 6K pesky Scottish freedom fighters (incl. 1K cavalry) take on the stankin' English invaders despite being outnumbered almost 5-1; Robert the Bruce fights on Longshanks' side; Wallace introduces the Schiltron (Sheltron) (Shiltron) (Schiltrom) (Sceld-Trome) (shield wall), a phalanx of 12-ft. pikes ("twice as long as a man") to defend against the English heavy horse (actually a hedgehog of men carrying regular spears pointing outward in a circle, which were used in prior battles, and aren't that great, as horses aren't stupid enough to charge into them, they are too immoble, and missile fire can break them); despite positioning themselves in front of a heavy forest and in front of a marsh, the Scots are overwhelmed with numbers, and after the English longbows are finally brought into position to attack the schiltrons, they score the first great longbow V in warfare; after losing 2K and seeing 2K desert, Wallace escapes with his last 2K into the impenetrable Torwood Forest; the starving English lose 2K, the retreat to Carlisle, in which many desert causing Edward to disband his army and remain on the border until the end of the year, after which he returns to England, pissed off at his disloyal barons; Wallace is forced to resign as guardian of Scotland and flees to France to seek support from Philip IV the Fair and later the pope, becoming a hunted man until his last hurrah in 1305; right after the battle, Bruce (who may or may not have helped Wallace escape from the battlefield) revives his claim for the kingship, burning English-held Ayr Castle in Aug., pissing-off Edward I, who chases him into Carrick, where he goes into hiding after razing his own Turnberry Castle to the ground, then joins the patriotic rebel side in the name of King John Balliol, becoming joint guardian of Scotland with his cousin John III "the Red" Comyn, Lord of Badenoch (1270-1306), son of John II "Black" Comyn (a descendant of Donald Ban) and Eleanor Balliol (eldest daughter of King John Balliol), and husband of Joan de Valence, daughter of William de Valence (an uncle of Edward I), whose Celtic-Norman blood and marital connection makes him a leading candidate for Scottish king, pissing-off Robert the Bruce; meanwhile William (de) Lamberton (-1328) is appointed bishop of St. Andrews by the pope.

About 1300 William I the Lion of Scotland charters the highland capital Inverness (Gael. "mouth of the River Ness") (modern-day pop. 47K) as a royal burgh.

Edward II of England (1284-1327)

In Feb. 1307 after his brothers Thomas and Alexander are betrayed and executed as traitors Wallace-style, Robert the Bruce lands in his homelands at Carrick and begins guerrilla warfare in SW Scotland, doing the hippy hippy shake shake by leading his few hundred troops from the front and defeating the English at the Battle of Glen Trool in Galloway in Apr. and the Battle of Loudon Hill (assisted by Henry Sinclair of Rosslyn, giving him 600 troops) on May 10; lucky for him, on July 7 after launching an invasion of Scotland from Carlisle, Edward I Longshanks (b. 1239) dies in the marshes en route in Burgh-on-Sands (Burgh by Sands) near Carlisle at the "very great age" of 68, leaving the crown heavily in debt; even more lucky, on July 8 his ignorant, incompetent, pampered, gay whimp of a son (the first gay Prince of Wales?) Edward II (Edward of Carnarvon) (1284-1327) becomes the 30th monarch of England (until Jan. 20, 1327) (crowned next Feb. 25), giving the Scots something to cheer about, and women across Scotland are falling in love with because-I-said-so Bruce, who waits till the new king leaves Scotland for England in the summer to take on the pro-Balliol and pro-Comyn Scots in English pay, taking Inverlochy, Urquhart, and other castles of his enemies then razing them and burning their lands; too bad, in the winter Bruce suddenly takes ill, recovering by spring.

Robert I the Bruce of Scotland (1274-1329) The Braining of Sir Henry de Bohun (-1314), June 23, 1314

On June 21, 1314 after gathering a 16K-man army (boycotted by several English earls), Edward II relieves the siege of Edinburgh, then crosses the Bannockburn River after hearing that Stirling Castle, the last major English stronghold in Scotland had agreed to surrender if not relieved by June 24; on June 23 after Robert I chooses the ground, the Battle of Bannockburn sees Scottish king (since 1306) Robert I the Bruce (1274-1329) and an underarmed force of 8K (no Knights Templars led by Sir William "the Crusader" Sinclair of Roslin (1283-30)?) carrying the relics of St. Columba wait for the English force of 16K to approach the woods S of the castle, and surprise them in a marshy field next to the Bannockburn River 2 mi. S of Sterling, using the schiltron to advantage to rout the cavalry vanguard; after the English start out with a charge by the knights, Robert I wows his men and becomes a legend by boning, er, braining English knight Baron Henry de Bohun with a battle-axe after being spotted out in front and being charged, splitting his skull from crown to chin, freaking his brother Humphrey de Bohun, 4th Earl of Hereford (1276-1322), constable of England, who was kept from leading the English army in favor of inept Gilbert de Clare, 8th Earl of Gloucester (b. 1291), who is KIA, ending the male line of the illustrious de Clare family in England, and turning his three sisters into rich debs, Piers Gaveston marrying Margaret de Clare to get her dough and pass for straight, and Hugh le Despenser doing ditto with Eleanor de Queer, er, Clare?; on June 24 (Midsummer's Day) (Feast of the Nativity of St. John) the Scots surprise the English again, attacking them from the woods before they can get out of the marshland into firm open ground, and putting them to flight, causing many to drown in the muck, then chasing fleeing Edward II and despoiling his lavish baggage train; the kilted, bearded, erin-go-braghing Scots then take Stirling Castle and go on to kick the last English butt out of their country, winning Scotland its independence for the next three cents., although Edward II never formally recognizes the Bruce as king; one of the earliest battles at which the skirl of the bagpipes is heard; imprisoned Scottish bishop Robert Wishart is exchanged for the earl of Hertford, and Robert I's wife and daughter are exchanged for English POWs; James "Black" Douglas is knighted by Bruce on the battlefield; Angus (Aonghus) Og Mac Domhnaill, Lord of Islay (-1316), son of Angus Mor and head of Clan Donald (McDonald) receives lands from Robert I for his part in the V, helping his clan pass up rival Clan MacDougall; in Nov. a parliament in Cambuskenneth Abbey near Bannockburn forfeits the lands of Robert I's remaining Anglo-Scottish opponents (supporters of Balliol and Comyn), giving him loot with which to reward his loyal supporters, and creating the "disinherited" class of Scottish nobles, who nurse grudges; Robert I creates the Order of Heridom and the Brothers of the Rosy Cross (later Kilwinning) with lands in Argyllshire; Robert I protects the Templar Order in Scotland, with Templar land administered by the Hospitalers, and the Templar fleet partially integrated into the Scottish fleet; after wiping off his bloody battle-axe, Robert I leads his forces into N England again to pillage and search for loot (until 1315); by now Edward II's inept nephew Duke Thomas of Lancaster, 2nd Earl of Lancaster (1277-1322) virtually rules free-falling England (until 1318), offering feeble resistance to Scottish raids and civil disorders; in June (last Sat.) the annual Ceres Highland Games in Scotland are founded; the Scots win their freedom for almost 400 years (until 1707) - keep those stone and log-throwing skills alive?

In Apr. 1318 the Scots under Robert I retake the port stronghold of Berwick-upon-Tweed (held since 1296) (until 1333), and in Oct. his brother Edward the Bruce (b. 1275) brucely leaves his stronghold in Ulster without him, and on Oct. 14 is KIA at the Battle of Fochart (Faughart) (in the fog?) near Dundalk by Sir John de Bermingham, his body quartered and sent to various towns in Ireland, and his heart sent to Edward II, leaving Robert I with only three illegitimate sons, one illegitimate daughter, and 2-y.-o. grandson Robert Stewart (b. 1316), son of his daughter Marjorie and Walter the Steward, causing the Scottish parliament in Nov. to pass a decree that if he dies without a son his grandson will be crowned, and attempt to hush the murmurs by passing laws correcting some of the land settlement gripes and outlawing murmuring against the king; meanwhile hand-rubbing Edward Balliol comes to the English court after receiving news of Dundalk, and begins the Soules Plot to kill Robert I using pro-Balliol Scottish insiders and place himself on the Scottish throne (ends 1320).

The original Army of the Twelve Monkeys? Early in 1322 Edward II of England recalls his indispensable Pez dispensers Hugh le Despenser Younger and Elder, renewing the Despenser War, now backed by English barons, led by the king's nephew Thomas Plantagenet, 2nd Earl of Lancaster (b. 1277) (eldest son of Edward I's brother Edmund Crouchback) (who had despised Piers Gaveston for calling him "the Fiddler", and was instrumental in getting him executed) at Pontefract, causing the king to take his army N to pursue Lancaster before he can hook up with the Scots; meanwhile in Jan. the 1319 truce with the Scots expires, and they see their chance and invade NE England, with Walter Stewart heading to Richmond, Thomas Randolph, 1st earl of Moray to Darlington, and Sir James "Black" Douglas to Hartlepool; on Mar. 11 Sir Roger d'Amory (b. 1290), an English veteran of the 1314 Battle of Bannockburn (who had been Edward II's favorite until displaced in 1318 by Hugh le Despenser the Younger, making him a bitter enemy of the Despensers) is captured by the king's forces at Tutbury Castle in Staffordshire after capturing Gloucester and burning Bridgenorth, and dies of illness on or before Mar. 14 before they can execute him; on Mar. 16 after the rebels find their path blocked by the forces of Sir Andrew Harclay (Hartley) (1270-1323), the Battle of Boroughbridge on the Ure River 20 mi. NW of York is a V for the king and the Despensers using the novel idea of mounted archers, and his key boy hunk Humphrey VIII de Bohun, 4th Earl of Hereford (b. 1276) KIA by a pike up his anus as he stands on the bridge, his screams causing his men to panic and run; on Mar. 22 after a kangaroo trial Thomas of Lancaster is beheaded at Pontefract Castle (20 mi. SW of York), after which Edward II reclaims his throne and makes Hugh Elder his counselor as well as earl of Winchester, and creates Harclay the earl of Carlisle; Lancaster's army is outlawed, while Lancaster is revered as a martyr and saint, becoming a possible source of the Robin Hood legend?; the laws passed in England during 1311 are repealed at the Parliament of York (containing burgesses and knights, as in 1311) on the basis that they were passed only by the nobles; the Despensers now dominate the king from both ends, beginning the Despenser Tyranny (ends 1326), where they run roughshod over the kingdom and grow rich, esp. at the expense of rich widows, while the younger Despenser becomes the de facto ruler of England, all of which is too much, and turns Isabelle against Edward completely (plus the fact that the younger Despenser raped her)?; meanwhile, although the Scots have returned to Scotland, the king takes their advice and invades Scotland, finding William the Wallace tactics in force, incl. destruction of all foodstuffs, compounded by plague, causing the Earl of Surrey, after one lame cow is finally scrounged up by the starving troops to issue the soundbyte "This is the dearest beef I ever saw; surely it costs a thousand pounds and more"; after destrying Holyrood Abbey near Edinburgh and then starting to return to English, with the Scots in pursuit, on Oct. 14 the "hare before greyhounds" Battle of Old Byland (Byland Moor) (Byland Abbey) in Yorkshire is a deja vu of the 1314 Battle of Bannockburn, with a giant Scot V, during which Queen Isabelle is abandoned by her hubby at Rievaulx Abbey along with his personal belongings, leaving her to escape on her own by a whisker, pissing her off at him more; the Scots now can raid the English borders at will - oh what a man that Wallace was, I wish I could've had a piece of him and been his woo-mun?

On Mar. 3, 1323 after signing a peace treaty with Robert I the Bruce of Scotland without royal sanction, Sir Andrew Harclay (Hartley), Earl of Carlisle (b. 1270), who had been a big hero to Edward II last year, but found it impossible to stop the Scot raiding and had met with Robert I of Scotland to propose peace terms on his own is hanged, drawn, and quartered for treason by order of Edward II; that out of the way, Edward II of England his own truce with Robert I of Scotland, which only lasts four years, but causes the Despenser stock to go down with the public; Pope John XXII recognizes Robert I as king of Scotland.

On July 20, 1332 David II's guardian Earl Thomas Randolph of Moray (b. 1278) dies (poisoned?), and on Aug. 2 Earl Domhnall (Donald) II of Mar (1293-1332) becomes the new guardian (regent), and lasts just over a week; meanwhile Edward de Baliol (Balliol) (1284-1364) invades Scotland, landing in Fife with 2K men and unofficial backing from Edward III, and after many Scots join him he routs Earl Donald of Mar's army on Aug. 12 at the Battle of Dupplin Moor near Perth, killing Earl Donald, then is crowned king of Scotland at Scone on Sept. 24 using the regalia of his daddy John I Balliol, giving Scotland two kings, and beginning the Second War of Scottish Independence (ends 1357); after David II is secured in Dumbarton Castle, new guardian Sir Andrew Murray (de Moray) (Jr.) (1298-1338) of Avoch in Ross (David II's uncle) (son of the Andrew Murray who was KIA in the 1297 Battle of Stirling Bridge) is appointed, but he is captured trying to destroy the bridge over the Tweed River near Roxburgh, and Sir Archibald Douglas (1297-1333) (brother of the late Sir James "Good" Douglas of Braveheart fame), known for a "bludy heart" painted on his chest and shield is appointed guardian; the Bruce magnates regroup and drive Edward Balliol from Scotland in Dec., slaying his only brother Henry Balliol, and Edward flees to the protection of Edward III for a comeback after failing to gain popular Scottish support.

They came from farmlands and chicken coops, hoping to star on their own scratch ticket? In Apr. 1335 the Scottish parliament meets in Darsie near Cupar in Fife, and fail to heal their differences, but do agree on a scorched earth policy, ordering the Scots in the S to seek refuge in the hills with their livestock and moveable goods; by summer the English control S and C Scotland, and in July Edward III comes with a huge army in hopes of finishing the pesky Bruce supporters off, then leaves after failing to force a battle, after which Edward Balliol departs also, leaving David III of Strathbogie, 11th Earl of Atholl (b. 1309) to mop up the pesky rebels, esp. in the NE, and his shadow is so great that it is said that only children at play admit to being King Davy's men, and the Bruce cause reaches its lowest point; meanwhile in Sept. the Scottish parliament meeting in Dumbarton Castle appoints Sir Andrew Murray Jr. (who was ransomed the previous year) as guardian of Scotland again, and he assembles a loyal army of 1K which incl. Sir William Douglas and William Keith, rekindling memories of William Wallace and Robert I the Bruce; he then goes N to the aid of his fighting wife Lady Christina Bruce (de Brus) (1278-1357), sister of Robert I the Bruce, who is being sieged in Kildrummy Castle in Aberdeenshire by an Anglo-Scottish force of 3K led the Earl of Atholl, causing him to raise the siege and march S to meet him; on Nov. 30 (St. Andrews Day) they meet at the Battle of Culblean near the Dee River, which is a big V for the Scots, becoming the turning point in their Second War of Independence; Strathbogie is KIA, along with Walter Comyn, Thomas Comyn, and Edward Balliol becomes a king without a kingdom; Murray spends the winter trying to reduce the remaining English fortresses, while Edward III disposesses (by 1337) over 100 freeholders in S Scotland to break Bruce's support, while Edward Balliol spends the winter of 1335/6 in England "because he does not yet possess in Scotland any castle or town where he could dwell in safety" (Lanercost Chronicle).

In Feb. 1337 Sir Andrew Murray Jr., taking advantage of Edward III's invasion preparations for France, captures Kinclaven Castle near Perth, followed by St. Andrews Castle on Feb. 28, which he captures using his wooden siege tower called Boustour, which he then uses to recapture his own castle in Bothwell in Mar.; he then romps into N England, raiding Cumberland and Northumberland William-Wallace-style; too bad, from this year to 1453 the English began spreading Scotophobia, spreading disdain, fear, and hatred of the Scots, painting them as untamable barbarians.

Jacob van Artevelde (1290-1345)

We can't go on together with suspicious minds? On May 24, 1337 after Philip VI conquers the larger part of the English possessions in France S of the Loire, and comes to the aid of Scotland against England, causing Edward III late in the year to cease leading Scottish campaigns in person and declare war on France over these issues as well as the problem of French control of Flanders (which has become interdependent with England because of the wool trade), using his dormant claim to the French throne through his mother Isabelle (Philip IV's daughter) as a pretext, even though it had been excluded by the French courts under the Salic Law, the 116-year Hundred Years' War begins (ends Oct. 19, 1453), which is characterized by the frequent use of the chevauchee using small groups of horsemen to pillage enemy territory to draw the enemy into a fight; England allies with the Count of Hainault and Holland (Edward's father-in-law), as well as HRE Louis IV the Bavarian (because Philip VI is the protector of new Avignon pope Benedict XII, and prevented any agreement between them over his investiture); the rebelling weavers of Ghent, led by wealthy Flemish brewer Jacob van Artevelde (the Wise Man) (the Brewer of Ghent) (1290-1345) virtually take over Flanders, causing Artevelde to be made capt.-gen. of the city, then welds the Flemish cities into a federation committed to armed neutrality.

King James I (1394-1437) and Queen Joan Beaufort of Scotland (1404-45)

Where the big band used to play? The Scottish king finally gets Beatlemania and becomes an English king clone? On Feb. 2, 1424 (Feb. 12 Old Style) 30-y.-o. James I of Scotland (b. 1394) marries his well-connected love bunny Joan Beaufort (1404-45), niece of Duke Thomas of Exeter and Bishop Henry Beaufort at Southwark Cathedral; they have eight children, incl. James II; after a feast given by Henry Beaufort in Winchester Palace, James I returns to Scotland after 18 years as an English hostage, and is crowned at Scone on May 21, ending anarchy and attempting to rule as a European autocrat like Henry V and the French kings from his showcase Palace of Linlithgow in West Lothian 15 mi. W of Edinburgh while living a lavish lifstyle, which pisses off the hillbilly pop. used to laissez faire and heroes who raise up their kilts and moon the enemy?; meanwhile a Scottish force sieges and burns Alnwick Castle.

In 1431 James I's royal lt. Earl Alexander of Mar is defeated by the Macdonald golden arches clan at the First Battle of Inverlochy Castle (2nd in 1645), causing James I to restore Alexander Macdonald to his lordship of the Isles; meanwhile the Scottish parliament raises another tax to pay the king's ransom, but this time has it kept in a locked box under their control so he can't get at it - and play no-limit credit card Paris Hilton with it?

James II Fiery Face of Scotland (1430-60) Queen Joan Beaufort of Scotland (1404-45) Archibald Douglas, 5th Earl of Douglas (1390-1439)

On Feb. 20, 1437 (Lent) after his nearest male relative Robert Stewart, grandson of Earl Walter Stewart of Atholl lets them into his lodgings in the Dominican convent at Perth, Scottish king (since Apr. 4, 1406) James I (b. 1394) is assassinated by Robert Graham and armed servants of Duke Robert Stewart of Albany, incl. Thomas Chambers, Christopher Chambers, and the two Barclay brothers after he tries to squeeze through a sewer tunnel which he had just had blocked to prevent balls from being lost from his tennis court, causing him to become trapped like a rat until he is stabbed to death; Queen (since Feb. 2, 1424) Joan Beaufort (1404-45) is wounded but escapes, sending word to Edinburgh to remove John Spens, a known Atholl man from guardianship of her 6-y.-o. son Duke James of Rothesay and replace him with trusted John Balfour; she then goes on a revenge tour, getting the papal nuncio Bishop Anthony Altani of Urbino to declare her butchered hubby a martyr at his funeral, then have the conspirators tracked down and given the English-style hanging, drawing, and quartering; she becomes regent of Scotland until 1439 for her and James I's birthmarked son James II (Fiery Face) (1430-60), who on Feb. 21 becomes king of Scotland (until Aug. 3, 1460), and is crowned at Holyrood Abbey (where he was born) on Mar. 25, becoming the first Scottish king not crowned at Scone (too close to Perth); the marriage of James I's sister Margaret Stewart to Archibald, 4th earl of Douglas gives the Douglases a claim to the regency, and they begin ruling Scotland out of Edinburgh, with James II's 1st cousin Archibald Douglas, 5th Earl of Douglas (1390-1439) becoming regent of Scotland and its most powerful man (until 1439); meanwhile the Stewart-Douglas rivalry rages on.

James V of Scotland (1612-42)

In June 1528 16-y.-o. king (since Sept. 9, 1513) James V (1512-42)) escapes from Edinburgh Castle when his foster daddy and chancellor Archibald Douglas, 6th earl of Angus and the latter's uncle (whom he admires) Sir Archibald Douglas of Kilspindie ("Greysteil") (1490-1535) are absent (the latter visiting his mistress in Dundee), and reaches Stirling, where he declares himself of the age of majority and begins his personal rule, kicking Angus and his clique out of the govt., then unsuccessfully sieging the cool Douglas stronghold of Tantallon Castle (built in the late 1300s on a cliff face opposite the Bass looking onto the Firth of Forth 3 mi. SE of North Berwick) in the fall; he snubs the Reformation of Henry VIII and appoints cardinal (last before the Scottish Reformation) David Beaton (1494-1546) as archbishop of Saint Andrews, who gets into a jurisdiction war with Glasgow archbishop Gavin Dunbar (1490-1547); meanwhile he raises church taxes, taking in £72K in the next four years, undermining church power.

Archibald Campbell, 8th Earl and 1st Marquess of Argyll (1607-61)

In Jan. 1645 peace talks at Uxbridge fail, and armistice ends, beginning the Great Scottish Rebellion; after Archibald Campbell, 8th Earl and 1st Marquess of Argyll (1607-61), gov. of Scotland sides with the English Parliament, Charles I holds Earl James Graham of Montrose back from leading a Scottish insurrection until Argyll begins invading England, resulting in Montrose's "year of miracles", as his outnumbered royalist army wins on Feb. 2 at the 2nd Battle of Inverlochy Castle (first in 1431), then takes Aberdeen, Brechin, and Dundee.

Scottish Gen. Sir Tam Dalyell of the Binns (1615-85)

A Pentacle rising plus 666 = ? On Nov. 15, 1666 the Pentland Rising in the Pentland Hills of Lothian, N Scotland led by 900 die-hard Scottish Presbyterian Covenanters begins; on Nov. 2.6K die-hard Charles II supporters of the Scottish Royal Army led by Gen. Sir Thoms "Bloody Tam" Dalyell of the Binns, 1st Baronet (1615-85), "the Muscovite Devil" responds with a massacre at Rullion Green, killing 50+; Presbyterians are ruthlessly suppressed by court order beginning in Dec., and all legislation favoring Presbyterianism is repealed and the episcopacy restored (until 1689).

On Jan. 6, 1692 the chieftain of the Scottish Macdonald (McDonald) clan of Glencoe appears five days late (through no fault of his own) to take the oath of allegiance to William III, causing the king's adviser on Scottish affairs in London to order the clan extirpated, claiming he didn't show up at all; Clan Campbell siding with Clan William murders chief MacIan MacDonald and his Clan Macdonald in the Glencoe Massacre, after first being received as guests and entertained for several days, then turning on them on Feb. 13, slaughtering 280 of 400, with the survivors, incl. women and children escaping to the frozen hills only to die of exposure; the English govt. covers it up, but many Scots are driven into the Jacobite cause, claiming it leads to the rights of the Scots being sold to England in 1707 by the "Parcel of Rogues".

Charles Montagu, 1st Earl of Halifax (1661-1715) Archibald Campbell, 3rd Duke of Argyll (1682-1761)

In Feb. 1706 after having had enough of the pesky Scots, Queen Anne appoints commissioners to effect a union between England and Scotland, and they meet at Westminster for several mo., then present the Treaty of Union to the parliaments of both countries for ratification, proposed by Charles Montagu, 1st Earl of Halifax (1661-1715), and backed by Archibald Campbell, 3rd Duke of Argyll, 1st Earl of Ilay (1682-1761); compensation for Darien is incl.; on June 28 the Scottish parliament meets in Edinburgh and agrees to it on July 22, then waffles until Queen Anne bribes them in Nov. to go with it, with new peerages granted, plus trading privileges to the burgesses, plus rights of the kirk to mollify the clergy; the pop. knows they're being sold out and shows it, causing the queen to send an English army to the Scottish border.

Bonnie Prince Charlie (1720-88)

On July 25, 1745 Roman Catholic "Young Pretender" Charles Edward Stuart (Stewart) (Bonnie Prince Charlie) (1720-88) (grandson of James II) lands on Eriskay Island in Scotland, proclaims his father as James VIII of Scotland and James III of England, and raises the Highlanders, beginning the Second Jacobite Rebellion (Jacobite Rising of 1745); on Sept. 17 the Scots win a V over royalist John Campbell, duke of Argyll (Argyle) at the Battle of Prestopans near Edinburgh; the Scottish army advances as far S as Derby but retreats when no English come to their aid; Bonnie Prince Charlie's landing in Scotland popularizes the song God Save the King/Queen.

Flora MacDonald (1722-90)

Time for the wappenshawing from hell? The last pitched battle on British soil, and it had to be with the *!?!* Scots? The Scottish Gettsburg? On Apr. 16, 1746 the Scottish Jacobite army of 7K Highlanders, led by "Young Pretender" Charles Edward Stuart (Bonnie Prince Charlie) is defeated by 8K British redcoat regulars led by the Duke of Cumberland at the 1-hour Battle of Culloden Moor on Drummossie Muir 6 mi. E of Inverness (not far from Loch Ness and Urquhart Castle), causing chicken Prince Charlie to flee to France with the help of Flora MacDonald (1722-90), becoming the last Stuart effort to reclaim the throne and the end of two cents. of Roman Catholic-Protestant war in England; he abandons 4K troops trying to regroup at Ruthven, telling them to fend for themselves, pissing them off at the yellow "Italian" (raised in Italy); Augustus is made capt.-gen. of the British army; to cement the Union of 1706 the British make a concerted attempt to destroy Scottish culture and language, eradicating the clan system and banning Highland dress (kilt and tartans) and the playing of the bagpipes (supposedly instruments of war) (until 1782), causing many Scots to emigrate, leaving the Highlands beautiful and empty of people; the last executions until WWI take place for POWs of the rebellion in the Tower of London; Highlanders are forced off their ancestral lands, and the culture goes underground, with many Scots scattered around the world (where many become famous inventors and engineers like Scotty on Star Trek?) - rather have a Hawaiian shirt?

Robert Owen (1771-1858)

Extreme Makeover, Industrial Edition? In 1800 British industrialist Robert Owen (1771-1858) takes over the mills in New Lanark, Scotland (below the falls of the Clyde River in S Scotland, 1 mi. S of the Lanarkshire county seat of Lanark), and sets up a utopian socialist community.

On July 21, 1801 (5th anniv. of his death) the first Burns Supper is held in memoriam of Scottish poet Robert Burns by his friends in the Burns Club in Greenock, mostly merchants born in Ayrshire who knew him personally; next year they hold it on Jan. 29, then discover that his birthday is Jan. 25, making it an annual tradition; dinners incl. haggis, Scotch whisky, and recitation of his poetry, with plenty of bagpipes.

'Braveheart' starring Mel Gibson (1956-), 1995

On May 23, 1995 Mel Gibson's Braveheart debuts, starring Gibson as 13th cent. Gaelic-speaking Scottish Celtic hero Sir William Wallace (1272-1305), fighting for his free-ee-ee-dom against mean old Norman English king Edward I Longshanks (1239-1307) (Patrick McGoohan) while wooing two babes, local girl Murron MacClannough (Catherine McCormack) and French-born English supermodel of the 13th cent. Princess Isabelle (Isabella) of France (1295-1358) (Sophie Marceau), and trying to get half-Scottish half-Norman fence-sitter Robert the Bruce (1274-1329) (Angus MacFayden) to join him, only to have it happen too late, after he gets betrayed and martyred; manly Peter Hanly plays gay bud Prince Edward of Wales, who later becomes Edward II (1307-27), David O'Hara plays Mad Stephen of Ireland, and James Robinson II plays young William Wallace; the totally phony reenactment of the 9/11/1297 Battle of Stirling Bridge features 1.6K extras from the Irish Army Reserve; loosely based on the verse history of Blind Harry (1440-92); Gibson puts up $15M of his own money to make it, and it grosses $210M worldwide, sparking an interest in Scottish history among the audience along with a resurgence of Scottish nationalism and interest in Scottish independence among the Scots; "They may take our lives, but they'll never take our free-ee-ee-dom" - Sean Connery's back goes out again?

The True Untold Story of Scotland, the Celts, and Sir William Wallace, by T.L. Winslow (TLW)

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